Over-the-Counter Dungeon Unguents

d12
1. Dragon balm: temporarily (like 10 minutes) reduces damage from heat/flame
2. Giant bug repellent: 75% effective against giant beetles, centipedes, and spiders
3. Gill wax: stuffed in nostrils, temporarily allows water breathing
4. Oil of command: temporarily improves charisma and smells awesome
5. Ol' Fashioned exercise ointment : loosens muscles for temporary dexterity bonus, reeks offensively, burns like hell
6. Bite lather: rubbed into poisoned wounds, arrests progress of most toxins
7. War wax: applied to full body, hardens on skin temporarily reducing combat damage
8. Barbarian's balm: temporarily reduces damage from cold/ice
9. Oil of invincibility: increases morale for all allies within smelling distance of the anointed
10. Skull wax: applied to freshly shaved head, offers short-term protection from psycho-spiritual attack
11. Salve of silence: often applied to shoes, noisy armor
12. Berserk's butter: slathered on before combat, acts as analgesic, allowing subject to fight 3 rounds after "death"

Note: These items range in price from the merely costly to the extremely exorbitant. Availability limited by random die roll.

Wasteland Attractions

d12
1. Travelling gruel salesman: protected from harm by invisible spirits of former customers
2. Wizard's fireball/lightning bolt practice range and retreat
3. Paleogean quarry currently worked by hulking mummies (aided by unseen monstrosities below ground)
4. Pilgrimage of the Death God's acolytes seeking the ultimate enlightenment
5. Lizard farm and tannery operated by degenerate clan
6. Horde of vicious sub-humans with camel-like humps
7. Mighty lord and company gathering sub-human specimens for unspecified experiments
8. Clandestine fossil hunting expedition funded by sorcerer's league, concealed by massive illusions
9. Heavily fortified supply depot of the Imperial army: they shoot first, questions later
10. Mad wizard's experimental dirigible facility
11. Cliff aerie of the condor-dogs
12. Procession of hulking mummies carrying massive blocks of granite to pyramid construction site

Special Contents of the Smuggler's Hold

d12
1. Sealed canisters containing sentient gas beings from another sphere
2. Plague-infested corpses dipped in wax
3. Abundant gold plated idols for forbidden cult: possession = automatic death penalty
4. Delicacies for the mountain giant's annual fete: human blood sausage, catoblepas pastrami, pickled halflings, etc.
5. The Prophetical Stele of the Yeti
6. Catatonic virgins earmarked for unspeakable sorcerous ritual
7. Lead crate containing black meteorite w/ campaign-destroying powers
8. Large shipment of arms and armor for cult insurrectionists
9. Three of the four fragments of the legendary Sword of Sundering (w/ map to final piece, instructions for agents, suicide capsules)
10. Complete furnishings for vampire's lair: vampire included
11. Emperor's monthly supply of illegal male performance-enhancing elixir
12. Bodies of the actual smugglers, replaced by simulacrums directed by distant psychic intelligence

As requested by Mattias

Beyond the Cosmic Portal

d12
1. Translucent bubble adrift on the tides of space
2. Surface of a strange planet bathed in caustic super-heated gasses
3. The Moon Library (librarians: inverted rugose cones on shocks of hair-like tendrils w/ reading monocles for single eye spot)
4. A small rocky island in the Acid Sea kingdom of the Siliconians
5. Mind-bending trans-planar vortex
6. Wind swept plateau with dome: private spell component greenhouse
7. Box seats for the pre-creation God War
8. Cushy habitarium in the menagerie of the Colossal Spacemen
9. The demi-plane of Pure Effect
10. The offices of Hell's quartermaster general
11. Storage closet in Sorcerer's Guild subterranean laboratory complex
12. Pleistocene Island

Phantasmal Irritants

d12
1. A swarm of ghost bees
2. The extremely polite haunt who just wants to talk for hours and hours
3. The phantom mime: fortunately appears trapped in invisible cube of some kind
4. Spirit sage who dispenses unsound advice dressed up for maximum plausibility
5. Gloomy shades of viking-types who cannot locate Valhalla and would like precise directions
6. Continuously baying pack of friendly spectral hounds
7. The pacifist poltergeist obsessed with making attacks go astray
8. Mournful spirits of philosophers debate cosmic minutia while seemingly unable to comprehend their own deaths
9. Pack of disembodied accountants follows adventurers constantly measuring cash flow, inventory (rations, torches, healing potions, etc.)
10. Trickster spirit promises to lead to treasure but delivers only the most extreme dangers
11. The undead critic: follows party pointing out foibles, missteps and screw-ups which it finds terribly amusing
12. Apparition of bard nearly done with epic poem, looking for feedback

I Tell You I Saw It Near the Steam Vents!

d12
1. A crew of grey dwarfs installing unknown metal device with pipes running into the earth
2. Giant viruses ambulating about spider-like
3. Huge balloon-like creatures bearing platoons of strange pale warriors in their claws
4. Towering columns of molds and lichens tended by shell-less land mollusks
5. Fire giants taking a steam, served cocktails by stone boys
6. Mating rituals of chthonic worms
7. Hatchery of the stone boys and their indescribable queen
8. Heavily armed carapace men astride war trilobites
9. Men with hideously convoluted skin (like Chinese Shar Peis) chanting and dancing in a frenzy
10. Innumerable white lizards crawling forth in waves, devouring everything in path
11. Gigantic crystalline structures visibly growing, attracting attention from undesirables
12. A colossal man-form made of scintillating vapors, glowering menacingly toward the city

Features of the Pleistocene Island

d12
1. Titanothere-driven city on colossal stone wheels
2. Smilodon-riding sub-goblins
3. The mountain of 10,000 terraces
4. The invulnerable caveman who walks through the air
5. Benevolent wandering reptile-man missionaries of the Old Religion
6. War between the wooly rhino matriarchy and the host of the mammoth lord
7. Flightless bird-riding proto-kobolds
8. Giant cave halflings
9. Levitating pyramid: yeti holy site reachable only by esoteric transcendental discipline
10. A viking-style longship converted into lodging for neanderthal clan equipped with rusty viking-style gear
11. Hovering platform of the sky gods: plainly visible in good weather, UFOs come and go routinely
12. Abandoned terrestrial bio-lab of the sky gods from which all manner of strange and terrible creatures stagger forth to menace the world

Hard Times for the City Folk

d12
1. Extortion by coven of powerful witches: sudden virgin depletion
2. City foundations undermined by unknown giant worm species
3. Virulent new strain of bread mold: mass psychedelic freak out
4. Currently inert titan slowly awakening beneath capitol dome
5. Giants handily defeat city guard, set up shabby encampment w/in walls, working on new city charter
6. Workers uprising: garbage piling up, mass shortages, city guard refusing to carry out heinous new measures
7. Recent slave mutiny put down by draconian measures: former duties undertaken by city guard, now also near revolt
8. Poor attack strategy by city guard = black pudding infestation, population has grown used to it
9. Preeminent local temple goes all Spanish Inquisition
10. The stars are right: significant % of population now openly evil cultists, mad bacchanalia ensues
11. Ancient king returns from perpetual underworld quest, fulfilling prophecy, but reincarnated in the body of otyugh
12. Ruling class (and known associates thereof) summarily executed: chaos reigns, new beggar king crowned

Underworld River Vessels

d12
1. Ogre-powered pole barge laden with surface loot
2. Fishing boat w/ giant water beetles trained to retrieve prey
3. Casino boat protected by treaties, neutral ground for all factions, run by extremely dangerous vampire
4. Oil rig-style facility: refines river-bottom sludge into orc chow
5. Algae harvesting skimmers crewed by carapace men
6. Floating temple to the river god: aggressively seeks contributions, filled with zealot-marines
7. Haunted trireme on eternal oddysey: morose spirits of famous heroes of the past
8. Pleisiosaur-riding river knights, love to joust among themselves
9. Giant squid-propelled speed boat pirates
10. Adjustable bridge boat operated by wealthy troll clan
11. Lost and demoralized viking types searching for open sea
12. Reptile men atop giant turtle amphibious assault vessel, shell modified with battlements, arrow slits, tail ramp

Also: The Halfling's Codpiece (dinghy): abandoned

Stuff in a Chest

d12
1. Casks of distilled longevity potion and fancy shot glasses
2. Six sets of formal evening wear (various sizes)
3. A giant gold tooth w/ traces of fresh blood
4. Stone age cult relics, fetishes and shamanic gear
5. Disguise kit w/ wigs, false mustaches/beards, official badges/identification
6. Colony of live bats (chewed aperture in rear of chest)
7. Radioactive meteorite: danger of death/mutation
8. Collection of shrunken alien heads
9. Disorganized notes and papers re: exploration of alternate worlds via dream journeying (upon thorough study = total bunk)
10. Hundreds of keys of all shapes and sizes
11. A completely insane dungeon fairy w/food dish, water dispenser and exercise wheel
12. Beautifully carved miniature wooden representations of each party member

Uncanny Effects of Blunt Force Trauma to the Head

d12
1. Religious experience resulting in conversion (random god/outer being/entity)
2. Total personality inversion: passionately loathes former friends, thinks enemies may have had the right idea, etc.
3. Temporary alignment shift (3d6 days): suppressed urges bubble to surface
4. Vision of the immediate future (roll for % accuracy): its never good news
5. Senses hidden dangers (4 in 6): presence of traps, etc. triggers mild seizure
6. Detects lies/treachery (4 in 6): overwhelming shivers down spine
7. Smells emotions of those in close proximity
8. Unknown telekinetic talent revealed, must lie down after use
9. Suddenly excellent at math, reduced to caveman speech
10. Loses all inhibitions, poor impulse control
11. Speaks exclusively in ancient/unknown languages, often prophetically
12. Blinded by daylight, sees perfectly in total darkness

Note: effects undone by any subsequent blunt force trauma to the head of equal or greater magnitude

Strangeness on the Savanna

d12
1. Alpha predator: titanoswine
2. The 100 year migration of the Tortoise Riders: constantly halting for religious observances
3. The strong and noble Impala Men: sketchy on morale, not so bright, eschew weaponry for horn attacks
4. Lost and desperate viking-types searching for a sea
5. Malign clouds: looming and menacing, effects strictly psychological
6. The stampede of the semi-invisible herd beasts
7. Ancient thatched tower: shunned and thoroughly haunted
8.  Pillaging grass sailors on their miraculous land schooner
9. Ascetic pilgrims toward the end of their death march, tailed by the Hyena King and his extended family
10. Full moon creates astral bridge to moon prairie
11. Lonely sentient trees: communicate via symbiotic ant colony courier service
12. Capricious brush fire spirits: 50% likely to instruct newcomers on vital savanna lore, 50% likely to encircle and incinerate

Underworld Cash Crops

d12
1. Ghoulsbane: repels minor undead when smoked profusely, highly addictive
2. Potted Shrieker: lair security device, bred to discern strangers
3. Optic Flora: microscopic plants grow on optic nerve, grants infravision
4. Iron nettles: barbed armor, anti-monster fencing
5. Exploding pods: impact sensitive, launches hail of seed-shrapnel
6. Death spores: airborne poison harvested from giant toadstools
7. Thermolichen: produces berry-like protrusion that when crushed emits heat
8. Levitating fungi: tethered to large objects/loads for transportation
9. Breadcaps: nutritionally complete fungus, deadly poison unless processed
10. Stenchmold: repels reptiles, dinosaurs and dragons, attracts oozes
11. Retchwort: first use: neutralizes most toxins, second use: lethal
12. A rich panoply of psychoactive molds, spores and fungi, carefully bred for effects ranging from the subtlest mood elevation to the most harrowing mind bending delirium (widespread use among kobolds suspected)

Weird Menace in the Watery Deeps

d12
1. Flesh-eating Little Mermaids
2. Sub-sirens that call fools to the crushing depths
3. Ruined headquarters of the Amphibious League: biologically altered wizards
4. Coral City of the highly intelligent, desperately envious but ultimately impotent cephalopods
5. Super-colony of enlightened jelly
6. Liquid mercury beings and their incomprehensible machinations
7. Vile and despicable eel-men, sadistic toadies of the deep
8. The Sea-lich and her polyp army
9. Forbidden kelp forest of the Deep Elves
10. The Sessile Lords: collectors of knowledge, dispensers of wisdom
11. Moby Dicks
12. The Single-celled God

Underworld Afflictions

d12
1. Dungeon Itch: mind-bending full body itch, spell casting impossible
2. Mail Rot: starts as obscene stench under armor, advances until tissues slough off
3. Cavern Fever: mounting compulsion to return to surface
4. Ration Starvation: depleted of vital nutrients, weakens, looks terrible
5. Medusa's Blight: skin slowly hardens, hampering movement
6. Troll Flesh: develops green seeping pustules
7. Grave foot: hobbles rapidly, untreated feet blacken and fall off
8. Hill Giant's Hiccups: irrepressible, unpredictable, very loud
9. Berserk's Bane: fever induces spontaneous battle rages + incessant sweating & crazy affect
10. Deep dysentery: explosive onset, severe dehydration, must drain every wineskin to stave off death
11. Tomb Robber's Lung: wracking cough, sensitivity to torch smoke
12. Delver's Blues: turns blue, dies (rapid onset, highly contagious, draconian measures required to halt outbreak)

Pesky Dungeon Infestations

d12
1. Alchemy mites: eat gold, excrete lead
2. Scintillating mold: hypnotic effect when viewed, trolls watch it for hours
3. Rock eating bacteria: excavation bio-tool gone feral, undermines walls, floors etc.
4. Stone slime: as green slime but perfectly camouflaged
5. Black widow super colony
6. Cadaver ants: dissect corpses to bring into huge nest, store gold in deep chambers
7. Primordial fleas (thumb sized): inert until activated by body heat
8. Whimpering toadstools: like shriekers, only merely annoying
9. Necrophagic fungus: consumes soft tissues, adheres to skeleton for locomotion, keeps adding new skeletons to it's mass until it becomes a vast centipede-like horror
10. Blink lice: short range teleportation
11. Highly aggressive intestinal worms (rope sized), any host will do
12. Microscopic arcanaphagic flora: enter lungs, eat spells

Cult Imperatives of the City Folk

d12
1. Daily blood tithe: collected by sub-sect of holy phlebotomists
2. Wear very tall shoes, everything on stilts, anything that touches earth: unclean
3. Only permissible nourishment: thrice-blessed health porridge
4. Vow of loquaciousness
5. Customary after-dinner holy hallucinogen
6. Daily recitation of litanies against hope, contentment and peace
7. Seduce infidels as much as possible
8. Secretly commit petty evil daily
9. Honor the hours of public nudity
10. Mass pilgrimage to underworld holy site: city guard excluded
11. Be kind to infidels, beat the crap out of sinners
12. Weekly ablutions in the bile of the swamp lord

Gonzo Bio-weaponry

d12
1. Radiates death energies from empty eye sockets
2. Expels caustic phlegm from mystic third nostril
3. Effects hypno-strobe from translucent skin
4. Lashes out with extensible razor-tongue
5. Releases gale-force winds from iris-like orifice
6. Emits super-heated gas from funnel-shaped protuberance
7. Fires explosive projectiles from blunderbuss-like protrusion
8. Projects disintegration ray from single horn
9. Launches guided missiles from dorsal spines
10. Spews digestive juices from abdominal fissure
11. Flings hails of barbed poisonous quills from scalp
12. Casts waves of mind-destroying black energy from exposed brain

Wandering Dungeon Mysteries

d12
1. Slithering animate rope with hangman's noose
2. 1d12 mindless clones of wizard near starvation
3. Flying ink inscriptions: escaped entries from spell book
4. Skeleton dancers giving wandering performance
5. Free-roaming continual light spell
6. Ensorceled thieves giving out gold and gems to passersby
7. Disembodied hand compulsively opening doors
8. The ghost of an intelligent sword (adds bonus to attack of ally)
9. Spirit-eating phantasmal predator
10. Rapidly exiting man-like creature made from gold pieces
11. Phalanx of floating shields and spears
12. Re-animated roast ox on spear-like spit

Less Popular Magic Items

d12
1. Brazier of Infinite Imps: new imp arises every 10 minutes
2. Helm of Obscuration: proof against psychic attacks, temporarily blinds/deafens
3. Wand of Filth, Dust and Cobwebs
4. Potion of Levitation, effect permanent
5. Flask of Instant Intoxication: lasts entire game session
6. Magic Shield w/ mouth motif: screams out "RED ALERT!" when monsters near
7. Boots of Silence and Severe Blistering
8. Helm of Foreknowledge: imparts suicidal ideations
9. The Pot of Porridge Inexhaustible
10. The Panic Blade (save or flee)
11. Circlet of Inconsolable Weeping
12. Resplendent Pantaloons of Flamboyance

It's on the Ceiling!

d12
1. d100 Swords of Damocles
2. City of the Intellectual Bats
3. Manhole-like trap door to maintenance level
4. Tapestry of webs depicting events in spider history
5. Stalactite pueblo dwellers: evil dungeon fairies
6. Adventurers impaled on barbed spikes
7. The furniture: nailed up by prankster
8. Alarming amount of dripping water and muddy seepage
9. Pulsating illumination from strange glass tubes in metal fixtures
10. Shriekers!
11. Eyes (d1000)
12. Hand-chiseled diagram of dungeon level

Cheap Dungeon Gross-outs

d12
1. The rotting pantry of the deceased hoarder-gourmet
2. Orc lavatory (as in battle, they frequently miss)
3. The Vampire Lady's champagne fountain of blood
4. The bulimic otyugh
5. Count Sadisto's skin collection showroom
6. Blood-vomiting devil children
7. The compulsory banquet of heads
8. Offal that walks like a man
9. The Inside-outers
10. Colossal turd w/ human bones in
11. Cursed folk whose organs explode forth upon the slightest touch
12. Pit trap filled with...

d12
1-2. decomposing bodies
3-4. bacterial soup
5-6. leeches
7-8. raw sewage
9-10. hungry ticks
11-12. semi-coagulated monster blood

Oddities of the Swamp

d12
1. Cursed clan of amphibious dwarfs and their ruined city
2. Giant ceolacanth-like lungfish
3. Pocket-sized black puddings everywhere
4. Giant water beetle transportation and their fen-halfling masters
5. Saber-toothed fen rats
6. Flightless giant mosquitoes (feed upon swamp rhinos)
7. Tubers from giant cattail: increases vitality
8. All-knowing marsh pixie lives in mouth of colossal catfish
9. Semi-divine Wisetoad atop giant lily pad
10. Perpetually collapsing Underswamp
11. House-barge of the swamp-hag sister wives and their unholy brood
12. The Croc Rider, merciless masked avenger of the bog

Unexpected Sarcophagus Contents

d12
1. Staked vampire spouses in necrotic embrace
2. Six imp-sized mummies
3. Fully animate mold-man
4. Temporarily torpid crypt ooze
5. Ash and scorching indicates fire from within
6. Ancient king's body dipped in gold
7. Extremely patient ghost awaiting transition
8. Breaking seal releases centuries-old death howl
9. A lush bed of purple night blossoms (wilts immediately)
10. Note in archaic script: "Subject 13 removed to lab"
11. Human-type skeleton with dinosaur's skull
12. Fully equipped adventurer in stasis

Ill-advised Magical Researches

d12
1. Sky Chariot (engines burn sacrifices to wind gods)
2. The Mana-rod (installed in brain)
3. Alchemy toward malleable solid demon-fire
4. Project: The sword that can split the atom
5. Hybrid: chimeroblepas
6. Mind-meld with dormant volcano god
7. Force field dome sans air supply
8. Spell: Ray of Treachery
9. Potion of Permanent Enslavement
10. Giant beacon to the star gods
11. Spell: Dispel Avarice
12. Project: Terraform Hell

Famous Swords and Current Whereabouts

d12
1. Hronar's Holy Brand: non-lethally embedded in demon lord
2. Chimera's Bane: at bottom of subterranean lake
3. Axmeek's Silver Avenger: lost in the Entropy Pits
4. Weirdblade: presumed eaten by serpent-dragon
5. Hrotha's Toothpick: favorite piece of loot in Frost Giant Treasury
6. The Crimson Khopesh of Aantroch: enshrined in distant temple
7. Urgontha, the Hammer of Chaos: in explosive caldera
8. Arbiter, Lawbringer of the Balance: beneath base of pyramid
9. The Great Divider: stuck in mountain's peak, constantly struck by lightning
10. Cleaver of Lies: entombed w/ revered ancient king
11. The Hairsplitter: on mantle at big city lawyer's club
12. The Sword of Form and Essence: in the Philosopher's Cave

Underworld Accommodations

d12
1. Web hostel of the lawful spiders
2. Otch the Opportunistic Ogre's Stone Hut Rental
3. Guest caves of the man-ape philosopher king
4. Servant's quarters in the City of the Blind
5. Temporary encystment in giant stasis flowers
6. Temple of Neutrality (shackles/leg-irons required during stay)
7. Grey Dwarfs labor camp (room/board exchanged for 12-hour shift)
8. The Inn at the Stone Lord's Sub-citadel
9. Questing knight's embattled sanctuary
10. Slime Lodge of the sympathetic slug-folk
11. Worm-man nomads: extreme hospitality
12. Drone harem of the Yeti Queen (always hiring)

This two-bed unit offers ammenities such as hand-hewn

stone beds, a fungus and vermin-free environment, and a

better than 50% chance of making it through the night. 

Dungeon Delusions

d12
Subject believes...
1. Trapped in simulacrum body, real body somewhere near
2. Anybody who looks lawful must be chaotic and vice versa
3. Inheritor of deceased god's former flock/powers
4. Pixies control other party members
5. Foes can only be stopped by special song
6. Rations = poison
7. All will soon be killed by crushing air pressure in the deeps
8. Human blood = life-sustaining elixir
9. Only by betraying allies can one escape the wrath of the gods
10. Must escape dungeon, the only way out is down
11. Exposing self will aid others spiritually
12. Hysterical...
d6
1. Blindness
2. Deafness
3. Loss of touch
4. Olfactory disability
5. Loss of taste
6. All five

Note regarding the d6 subtable: I'm allowed to break my own rules, you know.

The Lich's Guest List

d12
1. The Queen of the Sewer and her revolting hangers-on
2. Count Hluhlu: incomprehensible outer being posing as aristocrat
3. The pre-human ghost cabal
4. The Dastardly Gourmet and his menu of mind-control
5. Field Marshall Vlok the hill giant genius and his mixed-giant entourage
6. The godfather of organized banditry (incognito)
7. Vilizatra, The Perilous Grand Dame (she-mummy using cosmetic illusions)
8. The Face Stealer: identity thief of highest ambition
9. The Think Tank: 12 linked wizard heads in anti-necrotic soup
10. Autocrat X, the unknown lord (rules additional kingdom as The Lord in the Mask)
11. Mighty Kukrakka, the cephalopod king's ambassador
12. The astral form of Adolf Hitler

note: roll several times and assume they all hate each other equally

Unfamiliar Familiars

d12
1. Hive of hornets worn as hat
2. Koi in magical glass sphere on end of staff
3. Huge leech on small of back
4. Hermit crab with steel shell
5. Large spider under clothes
6. Benevolent stomach-dwelling parasite
7. Pocket-sized clone of self
8. Sentient fungal infection
9. Talking spell book w/ego and intelligence as magic sword
10. Collective intelligence of body lice
11. Smilodon
12. Highly sophisticated sub-aqueous jelly in flask