OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Commonly Abused Underworld Intoxicants

d12
1. Dried bulb of the devil's lily: taken orally eliminates need to sleep for 2d4 days
2. Cerebrospinal fluid of the mind-bat: imparts random knowledge following short pleasurable coma
3. Black mold spores: snorted for hours-long laughing jags, long term users identifiable by tell-tale nasal staining
4. Extract of dragon bile: mildly impaired users able to go with out food for weeks
5. Skin secretions of the blind cave frog: diluted with brandy for an interesting buzz
6. Deep dwarf bracer: served sizzling hot, caustic black syrup heals wounds and renders the drinker even more dour and taciturn
7. Polychromatic fungi: mild hallucinogen, enables user to see in the dark
8. Hydra's tears: renders subject unconscious for 24 hours, during which they are treated to extremely enjoyable dreams
9. Gray cheese: overwhelms the pleasure centers for 10 minutes, then turns skin stone-gray and deadens emotions (cure: more gray cheese)
10. Extra virgin toadstool oil:  taken sublingually, increases sensory awareness
11. War juice: tincture of white ape adrenal fluids and alcohol, induces battle frenzy/heart attack
12. Liquor of fermented ogre saliva: full blown delirium

Sunday, February 26, 2012

In the Sorcerer's Overnight Bag

d12
1. Vellum document w/official ransom information in several languages
2. Earthenware sphere containing weaponized virus powder in padded box
3. Ogre-musk eau de toilette: predatory monster repellent
4. Mini-scroll and crystal magnifying lens: select High Atlantean readings in microscopic print
5. Sealed glass jar: living tissue specimen in preservative ichor for cloning project
6. Travel-sized surgical kit
7. Pillbox with fast-acting suicide capsules
8. Small bag of bones: illusion conceals emergency gem cache
9. Disassembled death ray pistol: one shot remaining in battery
10. Silk bag w/ fake protection charms: distributes to "allies" for cheap laughs
11. Spare set of outlandish undergarments
12. Small skin-bound volume w/pen and ink: personal log of evil written in invented language

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Dungeon Statuary (Inanimate)


d12
1. Smashed fragments of classical-type statues wired together into startling aggregation of body parts
2. Three-dimensional representation of multi-dimensional entity: staring at shadow causes debilitating sensory bewilderment
3. Megalodon-sized stone jaws of A'chth the All-consuming: heaped with freshly sacrificed comestibles
4. Huge ancient earthenware bowl of unknown provenance set on grand pedestal (recent work): filled with green flames that utterly destroy anything placed inside
5. Colossal fertility idols of the extinct giants
6. Totem pole-like column of unknown creatures topped with a human form: yields disturbing evolutionary facts
7. Incomprehensibly abstract design: magic-enhanced study reveals 3D map of dungeon
8. Ancient king in primitive garb: facial features dead ringer for one of the PCs
9. Bas relief hewn into dungeon wall portrays titanic god-monster emerging from underground and smashing surface civilizations Godzilla-like
10. Stone-carved coin of the realm on pedestal, 12 feet in diameter
11. Henge-sized stone slab inscribed with entire history of extinct people in tiny letters
12. Polished granite dodecahedron surrounded by tiny figures bent in supplication

Friday, February 24, 2012

Benevolent Parasites of the Underworld

d12
1. Cerebral worm: increases intellect, enhances cowardice
2. Detox Tick: palm-sized chigger secretes ichor that nullifies pathogens and poisons
3. Digester ooze: enters stomach, enables host to extract nutrients from most matter
4. Spine dweller: eel-like amphibian incises back, nestles along vertebrae, electrical discharge enhances host's agility
5. Blood swarm: tiny flying arthropods feed upon all gory remnants of melee, cleaning arms and armor
6. Interpreter mite: introduced into ear canal, instantly translates most languages
7. Giant heart fluke: burrows into chest, settles around the heart, produces surges of adrenalin to protect host
8. Pit fleas: saliva blocks pain receptors
9. Love Fungus: grows internally, releases pheromones to attract mates for host, increases personal charm
10. Alien virus: alters host's DNA to produce functional wings, increases caloric requirements ten fold
11. Lung spores: allows respiration in hostile atmospheres/underwater
12. Rockhide: bacterial infection causes skin to harden into armor plates

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Even the Doors are Weird

d12
1. Made of semi-permeable tissue: only organic material may pass through
2. Enchanted talking door w/ service-oriented attitude, only knows about things a door would care about
3. Composed of a living aggregate of insects clinging to one another: strict entrance policy
4. Fashioned of cast iron and set in solid stone with 3 giant deadbolts on the outside
5. Randomly opens and closes w/ damaging force
6. Unauthorized tampering activates hysterical magic mouth alarm: "They're touching me! They're trying to open me!"
7. Door made entirely of doorknobs: must turn correct knobs in succession for entry
8. Carved in shape of ogre face with gaping maw: must be fed for entry
9. Coin slot above handle: 10 gold pieces to unlock (each way)
10. Surface of door has 5 hand-shaped indentations: opens when all are occupied simultaneously
11. Several life-like eyeballs set into door closely scrutinize those in proximity
12. Surface of door inscribed with huge letters reading "You are weak.": combined strength of 4 men required to turn huge knob

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Psychoactive Gems

d12
1. Increases intellect but erodes judgement
2. Induces hypnotic state of suggestibility
3. Bestows the gift of intense paranoia
4. Nullifies emotions
5. Compels owner to seek deepest recesses of the earth
6. Instills unquenchable gem-fever
7. Fans the flames of hatred and bigotry
8. Heightens mood to euphoria and beyond
9. Suppressed urges spectacularly released
10. Eradicates all sense of purpose
11. Imparts (additional) delusions of grandeur
12. Focuses consciousness entirely upon inevitable doom

Monday, February 20, 2012

So you made your save vs. poison....

d12
1. Hands swell to gross immensity
2. Full body numbness: -2 to all physical tasks, bonus to hit points
3. Narcoleptic effect: 1 in 6 chance of involuntary napping/turn
4. Loss of mental acuity: disallows spell casting and other heavy-duty cognitive activities
5. Astonishing gastrointestinal distress: 1 in 6 chance of attack/turn
6. Overtaxed liver produces mind-bending abdominal pain
7. The shakes: -2 to everything requiring manual dexterity
8. Skin changes to random color and hurts like hell
9. Hallucino-vision: -2 to everything requiring visual accuracy, occasionally terrifying
10. Speech center compromised: drunken caveman talk
11. Copious drooling: suavity nullified
12. Brief coma followed by total emotional meltdown w/inconsolable weeping, irrational behavior, sudden freak-outs

Notes: effects last anywhere from 1d4 hours for relatively mild toxins to 1d4 weeks for extremely potent poisons or large doses

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Strange Doings in the Rain Forest

d12
1. Luminous mosquito-like jungle spirits: suck the spells from magic-users
2. The understandably Lost City of Myopia
3. Silken meeting hall of the giant spider collective
4. Bio-sorceress' expedition to catalog extant species: mobile laboratory tests for arcane applications of discoveries
5. The Canopy Highway: thatched, lashed and magically preserved untold centuries ago by vanished race of arboreal engineers
6. Hidden library of the Ape Scholars
7. Heavily armed imperial expedition hunts bio-sorceress (who escaped from previously scheduled public execution): now lost, starving and perishing of disease
8. Psychic monkeys: torment sensitive minds with capricious thought intrusions
9. Extremely elusive clan of humans with prehensile feet and innate arcane abilities
10. Clear cut carrion field w/ herds of wingless giant flies: tended by giant spider proletariat
11. Pharmocopia: stone age enclave of folk w/ unsurpassed knowledge of plant chemistry, among their many achievements: functional immortality
12. Giant spider forces drilling: weaponized spider knights practice charges atop domesticated mantid mounts

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Inside the Giant's Curio Cabinet

d12
1. Interesting selection of (dented) human-sized helmets arranged in order of perceived awesomeness
2. Bag filled with fist-sized pills: headache remedy crafted by ogre witchdoctor
3. Fancy spell book: sub-literate scrawlings throughout, he doodled all over the spell inscriptions
4. Tear-stained ancient ceramic urn containing ashes of giant ancestors
5. Necklace of giant baby teeth strung on cord (gift from mother)
6. Stolen sculpture collection: 100% naked ladies
7. Charmingly naive charcoal self-portraits on stretched skins: concealed within cave bear fur portfolio
8. Cork-stoppered bottle of giant's cologne: indescribably offensive
9. An enchanted buckler (appealingly shiny and reflective) on a crude display stand
10. Giant's emergency dental kit: over sized hammer and vicious-looking pliers rolled in skins
11. Shabbily folded stack of spare large sacks
12. Huge rough-hewn stone dice (dodecahedrons, as it happens)

Friday, February 17, 2012

More Weird Pools

d12
1. The sacred pool of the cave beetle god: surrounded by millions of the tiny zealots in droning prayer
2. The Black Soup of Life: coughs up random embryonic magical beasts
3. The cloning pool: any living thing touching the pool is perfectly cloned in 24 hours *
4. Purple baptismal pond of indelible staining
5. Pool of cold liquid gold: assumes normal state when exposed to sunlight
6. Booze pool: run-off from the deep dwarf distillery
7. Monster oasis: temporary detente between otherwise natural enemies, adventurers not included
8. Translucent predatory protoplasm doing best impression of a pool
9. The pool of growth: any being or object fully immersed permanently doubles in size
10. "Bottomless" pool: trans-dimensional portal
11. The waters of enlightenment: drinking imparts 1d6 minutes of god-like intelligence followed by recuperative coma lasting 1d6 hours
12. Hot Tub of the Gods

* Naturally, the clone will not stop until it has killed and replaced the original

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Messages Intercepted from the Underworld Courier Service

d12
1. Note from kidnapper with instructions for delivery of ransom
2. Order for resupply of foodstuffs for underworld catering service
3. Receipt for powerful magical artifact signed by vampire curator of museum of antiquities
4. Plea for clemency to particularly vicious underworld bigwig
5. Advertising circular for Captain Ossbagh's Freelance Dungeon Muscle service
6. Demand for return of territories improperly seized by troll brotherhood
7. Totally defiant and obscenity-laced response to extortion attempt
8. Request to domestic service for new valet with apologies for former servant's ghastly fate
9. Tear-soaked missive from spurned lover of high-born giantess
10. Tally of losses incurred due to escaped horror and heated request for remuneration
11. Long letter from sorcerer to fellow black arts practitioner detailing necromantic experiments
12. Simple directions to the City of Uttermost Darkness with instructions for avoiding the mind-bending hazards en route

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Puzzling Evidence in the Corridor

d12
1. Shallow hole in wall with debris and broken pick lying nearby
2. An unidentifiable green stain on the floor, smells a bit
3. A still-smoldering torch
4. Heaps of recently deceased rats: not a mark on them
5. Loose flagstones in floor leading nowhere
6. Large "X" carved in wall
7. A half-melted sword
8. Abandoned nests of dungeon swallow colony
9. Very large fragments of purple eggshell
10. Clean bones of small animals arranged into incomprehensible patterns on floor
11. Claw-rent and useless steel chest plate
12. A huge earthenware dish half filled with dirty water

Monday, February 13, 2012

Wandering Dungeon Friendlies

d12
1. Masterless dungeon hound: highly skilled, fond of dwarfs
2. Unguent salesman w/ hulking half-giant bodyguard
3. Extremely charismatic mercenary recruiter w/ sergeant and recent hires
4. Humorless missionaries from the Temple of Neutrality
5. Overfull ogre, picking adventurers from teeth, drunk on stolen wine and quite jolly
6. Escaped chain gang from subterranean dwarf work camp
7. Young nobles in tattered finery, recently vampirized and released to own devices
8. Contingent of arms dealers transporting stock of cheap weapons and reconditioned armor, eager to buy and sell
9. Fungus-man monks: unbelievably serene, supremely self-actualized, totally non-violent and practically unkillable
10. Insufferably pompous paladin and his equally zealous all-sidekick crew
11. A good-natured talking giant snake asking politely for sightings of nearby vermin
12. Dungeon pimp and his foxy stable

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Dungeon Conspiracy Theories

d12
1. Dragons beholden to unknown being from another sphere: hoards just not the same anymore
2. So-called "adventurers" actually death squads of underworld junta
3. The coming apocalypse will destroy the surface world only sending underworld real estate through the roof
4. Strings pulled by cabal of mind-eaters who now know everything
5. The one true god lives at the center of the earth: the path to wisdom runs deep
6. Humans created in vats of ancient underworld sorcerer to usher in age of terror
7. Cube jelly: the secretly sentient masters of the dungeon
8. The surface world is actually hell: adventurers = demons
9. Our small gods war amongst themselves to win approval of the unknown gods above them: after that all bets are off
10. Undead eyes transmit information to secret overlords from an adjacent plane
11. The sky god judges the surface-worlders but cannot see underground
12. All the seemingly mindless monsters of the dungeon actually controlled by a subtle intelligence keen for amusement

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Wandering Treasure

d12
1. Legendary ivory-tusked white under-mammoth
2. Sub-human priests transporting golden sacrifice to temple of the greed god
3. Ogre slaves using rope and greased logs to move stolen platinum pyramid topper to dragon's hoard
4. Beastman soldiery dragging (fully equipped) dead adventurers back to base
5. Heavily armed mercs escort underworld trader making bank deposit
6. Droppings indicate rock-eating worms recently passed through rich lode
7. Extra-deadly giant spider with gem eyes patrolling territory
8. Three tiny UFOs use tractor beams to carry off fully-loaded treasure chest
9. Ensorcelled plutocrats (with jewelry and fat purses) stagger drunkenly toward lair of remote mind-control expert
10. Ransom delivery agents shadowed by squad of assassins
11. Crazed sub-human found bejewelled wand, now afraid to return to lair
12. Badly damaged and resource-depleted adventurers hauling hard-won loot (and corpses of fallen cohorts)

Friday, February 10, 2012

The Dragon's Other Prisoners

d12
1. Three former chiefs-of-staff serving life sentences for insolence and poor service
2. The local lord: not previously known to be missing
3. Bound halfling suspended upside-down from ceiling
4. A lawful wizard encased in a life-sustaining plasm
5. Hog-tied hill giant chief in extra-large cell block
6. A still-smoldering fighting man in claw-rent armor
7. The ogre guard captain who got overly ambitious: still retains loyalty of the guard, fomenting insurrection
8. Malevolent mist-being in glass bio-dome: mutters about plans to depopulate the continent
9. The heir of the griffin king awaiting delivery of ransom
10. Sentient beetle-man from the distant past: claims to know a good deal about the future as well
11. A six-dimensional fungus hovering in containment dome
12. Ball-gagged bard weeping (silently) over the shattered remains of lute

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Dwellers in the Lightless Pits

d12
1. Land-bats
2. Sonar men: unsightly echolocation sensilla replace eyes
3. Feelers: badger-like solitary hunters covered with thin extensible tentacles in place of fur
4. Giant naked mole-rats: aggressively territorial, commanded by psychic queen
5. Behemoth snail: broadcasts fear-inducing stimuli from radar dish-like protuberance on shell
6. Stinkmen: communicate via pheromones, perpetual state of warfare with the Sonar men
7. Terrestrial angler fish
8. The Light Eater: sentient demi-material shadow form, sustains self by consuming photons (or phantasy equivilent)
9. Bioluminescent flying prawns attracted to heat
10. Huge blobs of edible anaerobic bacteria
11. Barnacle fungi: spread themselves by adhering to passersby with strong bio-glue, accumulate rapidly
12. Oh hey, the floor is moving- no, wait, it's just one zillion bugs

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Unpleasant Potion Side-effects

d12
1. Subject faints after use (1d6 minutes), unpredictable spells for remainder of day
2. Immobilizing gastro-intestinal distress after 3d6 minutes
3. Potion effect half-life: diminished effects linger following original duration
4. Potion "flashback": effects suddenly return for 1d6 minutes at random moment
5. Inverse effect follows original duration for equal period
6. Skin of imbiber flushes random colors for 1d6 hours
7. Hair grows uncontrollably for 1d6 days requiring constant maintenance
8. Teeth of subject rapidly decay: breath rendered intolerably foul, reversible only by magical dentistry
9. Instant addiction: subject goes to any length to procure lifetime supply of concoction or close facsimile
10. Abdominal bloating, discomfort and weight gain due to unknown effect on metabolism
11. Subject only able to emit frog-like croaks for 1d6 hours
12. Following effect duration, subject explodes into tiny fragments

Note: Use for potions of suspect manufacture or particularly ancient provenance

Monday, February 6, 2012

Domestics on Duty at the Sorcerer's Tower

d12
1. Trans-dimensional consultant: the ghost of extinct sentient beetle
2. All services performed by host of rejected golem-brides
3. The homonculibrarian
4. Sorcerer's re-animated parents see to daily care and feeding
5. On-staff sycophants rotate shifts to provide 24/7 ego bolstering
6. Pack of highly-trained hench-dogs: total obedience and unconditional love
7. Major Domo: Thoroughly pacified type Q demon in custom butler attire, uses clairvoyance to anticipate needs, teleports to expedite service
8. War Master: retired fighting man under heavy ensorcellment sees to training and deployment of sub-human forces, drunk 75% of waking hours
9. Chief of Treasury shackled to desk and awaiting execution should he not find some way to balance the books
10. Kitchen staff: mind of culinary genius transferred to extremely dexterous body of land kraken
11. Maintenance dept.: disgruntled crew of semi-competent ogres, recently unionized and eager to exercise collective bargaining
12. Scullery shoggoth

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Wandering Underworld Deities

d12
1. Partial corporeal manifestation of Een the All-knowing: broadcasts blinding white light made of information, all present must save or pass out from involuntary download
2. Ytaan the god of discourse: a 12 ft. tall golden man in dapper toga spoiling for debate
3. Grushakh the invisible man-ape demigod: bad ass result of an unholy union between a mighty chief and Kruchtaki the simian goddess of stealth
4. The thousand-winged, innumerably taloned messenger god Urootha on a delivery
5. The Scrutinizing Gaze of Ga: a giant countenance takes shape on a wall, floor, ceiling, rock, etc. and stares intently at those nearby
6. Ssisashi, god of snakes: temporarily occupied with digesting C'chihi the rat god whose still-struggling outline protrudes from Ssisashi's inert coils
7. The Roach Queen: scouting for site of next Holy Infestation
8. Blishnu the Serene: on levitating tour of the underworld, fires bolts of enlightenment from his eye stalks
9. The Lords of the Worm Dance: wave and gyrate in ecstatic ritual, emit rhythmic cacophony that beckons all worms to join in, oblivious to everything but their strange musical pursuits
10. Kurgah the Underworld Excavator: blasts new passages and chambers into the living stone
11. Blaskatal the fire god: investigates the world in the form of charming beggar girl with flaming eyes, undecided on issue of triggering fiery apocalypse
12. Clakatan, Herald of the All-destroyer: a living thunderbolt bellowing out the good news of impending doom to all and sundry

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Useless Hirelings

d12
1. Panic Attack Jack: tunic, sword, 2 in 6 chance of freak out in combat
2. Huroo the mentally deficient yet totally bold and confident torchbearer: loincloth, torches
3. Thuy the Crafty: threadbare toga, boasts of melee skills but requires armament(s), runs off immediately with whatever he is given
4. Typhoid Tujam: hospital gown, dagger, 1 in 6 chance of dying per turn
5. Cleem of the Pukarat people: two-handed sword, breechclout, a barbarian so ferociously savage and given to violence as to be a constant liability
6. Jurusan the Tremulous: leather cuirass, short sword, 3 in 6 chance of dropping his weapon each round in combat
7. Yukant the treasure-hauler: farm hand outfit, pitch fork, mule, provides continuous stream of arguments against everything he's asked to do and every possible course of action
8. Lin Fin the torchbearer/extremely patient doppelganger: wide-brimmed hat, tunic, poisoned dagger
9. Bad Shot Yot: Leather armor, short bow, full quiver, 2 in 6 chance of targeting party member in combat
10. Famished Frajor: sword, shield, leather, eats rations immediately, persistently asks everyone for theirs, wails piteously if denied
11. Brang the despondent barbarian: fur shorts, battle axe, clan wiped out before his eyes as a child, now seeks suicide-by-dungeon at the earliest opportunity
12. Chulanthes the turncoat guide: in cahoots with nearby dungeon personality to deliver party into ambush

Friday, February 3, 2012

Underworld Hunting and Foraging Success Table

d12
1. 2d6 delicious bats
2. 2d4 plump and juicy rats
3. Large sack full of giant insect larvae
4. Bushel of nutritious lichen
5. A dozen giant lizard eggs
6. Small sack full of edible lizards
7. 1d3 giant rock snails
8. 2d4 cave cephalopods
9. 2d20 giant spider hatchlings
10. Several days worth of life-sustaining pool algae
11. 1d6 blind cave fish
12. Several handfuls of glutinous fungi

Note: assumes presence of native guide or trained Underworld Ranger

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Mountaintop Wonders and Perils

d12
1. Incomprehensible discourse of the mountain gods continuously echoes about: causes bewilderment, psychosis
2. Giantess colony: immortal daughters of forgotten gods, keeping alive ancient arts of monumental sculpture and man-hunting
3. Ancient temple to the space gods, constant stream of sorcerers make pilgrimage while attempting to assassinate one another
4. Surface team of deep dwarfs, tectonic engineering division: using explosives to sheer off vast chunks of mountain side
5. The Golf Course of the Gods
6. Yeti ascetics hovering about in lotus position
7. Wind Czars locked in eternal warfare with the Emirs of Stone
8. Sorcerer oversees undead minions construction of iron structure housing giant lenses: hopes to soon destroy moon for a purpose only he understands
9. Avalanche-surfing ice devils
10. Aurora Lethalis: sentient and indiscriminately malevolent
11. Hidden Dionysian society of mountain vintners and their brews: healing, enlightening and intoxicating
12. Prospectors from space have struck rich veins of desirable elements, preparing to signal mothership