OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Sealed in the Antediluvian Vault

d12
1. Sets of fine clothing and other adornments that could only be worn by something shaped like a diplodocus
2. Crystalline Chestplate Unremovable: once donned insinuates itself into the host's tissues, tampering with systems to grant unlimited lifespan
3. Mantle of the Frog Priest: wearer instantly recognized by frogs and toads as supreme overlord, to be fawned over and obeyed to the very limits of their ability to comprehend
4. Fossilized mummy of unbelievably ancient monarch, psyche remains intact and eager for human contact, not at all unbalanced by zillions of years of entombment
5. Enchanted Stone Axe of Bisection: cleaves victim in twain on a critical hit, humans must use two-handed
6. Obsidian flask with arcane stopper: contains sample of primordial soup from the dawn of life, each droplet loaded with bio-materials capable of setting off new Cambrian-type explosion
7. Array of unknown musical instruments built for inhuman hands, each capable of producing different psychiatric effect when sounded
8. Preserved brains of antediluvian celebrities
9. Arrangement of stone stelae each inscribed with a primitive spell (Hold Smilodon, Create Jerky, Magic Bludgeon, Charm Mammoth, Survive Winter etc.)
10. Dessicated corpse of scientist/would-be treasure hunter from the far future, gamma gun still holds one charge, broken time-travel belt
11. Amulet of the Void: allows wearer to survive long sojourns though the cold vacuum of space (works equally well in crushing oceanic depths)
12. Shimmering translucent field holding dinosaur wizard in stasis

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Freelance Dungeon Security

d12
1. Bored aristocrat, masked, eager to put to use life-long martial training while escaping arranged marriage, and loyal gang of expert big city cutthroats with names like Gutshank, Stompo and The Spleener
2. Ool-phla-ah the Slime Wizard and his Oozes for Every Occasion
3. Mr. and Mrs. Sphinx: professional treasure guards, impeccable attention to every detail, charmingly mated for (preternatural) life, annoying habit of destroying other dungeon monsters
4. Trantlebon the Necromancer provides precision infestations of warding ghosts
5. Dungeon fairies roam from hive to hive, monitoring dungeon events and calling forth mighty queen and attack drones from their encystment as needed
6. Tribe of impecunious man-apes aiming to improve the lot of their kind with a little hard currency, dubious morale in combat, but eager to please employers and unsurpassed in natural fawning sycophantry
7. Mind-eater and host of armed victims, essentially mindless but alert, fearless, ferocious thanks to surgical brain-dining
8. Koklar the jolly old demi-god, a relic of bygone days and long since believed destroyed, and host of loyal ninja-like warriors gifted with supernatural lifespans
9. Brotherhood of ogre monks: a real bargain as they refuse to draw pay and labor tirelessly, amassing number of kills required to advance in their order, once achieved they abandon their posts and return to temple
10. The world's stealthiest hill giant martial arts expert, a one-creature army
11. Exceedingly costly arcane system: floating eyeballs link to magic mouths and decorative enchanted sarcophagi that manufacture and store biomechanical wardens, released only at need
12. Ancient vampire with impressive resume and good number of half-vamp underlings give the appearance of competence while draining the wine cellar and embezzling as much as possible before moving on without giving notice

Monday, November 26, 2012

Yes, Even More Potions

d12
1. Potion of Mindless Frenzy: imparts the strength and ferocity of a raging giant while rendering subject intellectually negligible, unable to speak or make even the simplest judgement calls
2. Fizzy Drink of Ocular Autonomy: causes eyeballs to leave their moorings and levitate freely about at user's command so long as spiritual optic nerve remains intact
3. Nostrum of Speedy Recovery: accelerates natural healing tenfold for 1d12 days (caloric requirements, hair and nail growth similiarly affected)
4. Draught of the Giraffe: causes the neck of the imbiber to extend to 10 feet in length for 1d12 minutes
5. Tincture of Unendurable Hideousness: temporarily transmutes head into that of catoblepas
6. Elixir of Instant Elegance: creates the illusion of savior-faire in even the most vulgar individuals
7. Beverage of the Godlings: grants indomitable strength, genius intellect, divine speed, sage-like wisdom, superhuman robustness and preternatural personal allure for a period of 1d12 minutes
8. Potion of the Mighty Blow: swells fist of user Popeye-like for single crushing, knock-out punch
9. Potion of Extra Limbs: allows user to spontaneously generate up to two fully functional extra arms, legs, tentacles, claws, whatever
10. The Devil's Potation: compels good creatures to evil acts and evil creatures to top themselves
11. Potion of Spectral Foetor: user emits repulsive stench that causes flesh-eating undead to helplessly flee
12. The Desperate Measure: drinker able to act at thrice normal speed for one hour then dies

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Flora in the Garden of Death

d12
1. Dead-eyed Susans: crack shots with corrosive pollen loads
2. Hangman's gardenias: giant flowers contract around victim's head to commence strangulation
3. Sarcophagus bulbs: hypnotic pollen compels victims to entomb themselves in hinged bulb as living fertilizer
4. Tulips of terror: impressionistic skulls and nightmare imagery adorn the petals, fragrance induces fear and panic
5. Stench pumpkins: cultivated for use as catapult ammunition by kobolds or other humanoids who live to irritate
6. Eye-seeking pansies: grow from eye sockets of heaped skulls, seeds swarm upon insect-like wings, lodge selves in eyes of victim, who is blinded but at least has a lovely arrangement sprouting from eye-holes
7. Dagger bush: leafless tangle of branches w/huge wicked curving thorns: suddenly spring to fully animate attack when approached
8. Dancing cacti: human-sized and engaged in perpetual choreography, will attempt to drag observers into the ritual
9. Tomb tree: menacing mass of roots at base of trunk parts to reveal natural shelves of corpses within, stored in perfect preservation for an unknown purpose
10. Mimic grass: collectively arranged blades to produce mirror image of observer, respond to command to recall images of past visitors
11. Buzz-saw sunflowers: launches spinning flowers w/razor sharp petals, aims to sever neck of victim (possible symbiotic relationship with 6, above)
12. Venus Soul Trap: fills minds of victims with soothing music and imagery while its tendrils snake up nostrils to remove soul from behind pineal gland

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Unknown City-State: Requirements for Entry

d12
1. Aliens must register with constabulary, wear unattractive brightly colored ID badge at all times
2. Citizen must vouch for each entrant (fortunately, professional vouchers are always nearby)
3. Arms/armor must be checked/exchanged for city-legal weapons (rapier, dagger)
4. Extensive ritual ablutions, decontamination, delousing and body shaving
5. Small sacrifice (according to means) to patron deity and swearing of the Visitor's Oath
6. Small cash payment, coupon book for local shops issued w/tourist's map
7. Men lacking beards denied (false beards offered at numerous kiosks outside walls)
8. All potential visitors must enter protective custody for 12 hour mental health observation
9. Must consume (delicious) potion of docility
10. Extensive medical and arcane screening required due to recent prevalence of shape-shifters
11. Must perform eight hours of community service in return for free entry, according to skills
12. Only humans allowed entry, all others may remain in the stables

Monday, November 19, 2012

In the Dungeon Torture Chamber

d12
1. Chatty fire elemental in brazier loaded w/irons
2. Extensive library featuring tedious volume after volume (ex. full and complete history of the slug men, compiled minutes of the mercantile league's monthly meetings going back decades, genealogy of hyper-prolific halfling clan), podium, megaphone
3. Highly trained torture bard w/100% success rating, enchanted Lute of Excruciation
4. Heap of bodies w/hollowed skulls, brains kept alive in nutrient bath, housed w/in arcane agonizer units
5. Team of highly specialized dungeon fairies w/surgical approach to extracting secrets
6. Temporarily abandoned confessor strapped into torture apparatus, unbroken, much valuable information unrevealed
7. Half-dead giant in huge iron maiden, ready to strike bargain for release and will abide by any terms set
8. Face and lips stretching device for use upon the vain
9. Spiked pit/adjustable bungee cord arrangement
10. Separate holding chambers each w/gated partition, adjacent rooms filled to gills w/rats, scorpions, ravenous giant fleas or etc.
11. Walls adorned with stunning variety of hooks, barbed implements, tongs, pincers, vices, blades of every description, pokers, prodders, whips, bludgeons, an axe for any occasion, hammers, nails, etc. etc.
12. Torture chamber/gymnasium set-up wherein masked inquisitors use spare moments to keep their muscles rippling for maximum efficiency

Sunday, November 18, 2012

In the Dungeon Larder

d12
1. Freshly harvested greens, seeds, roots, tubers, fruits, vegetables: 100% toxic to humans
2. Giant-size tins of potted humanoid meats (unlabeled), two-handed can opener
3. Food processing/juicing device operated by hand crank, collection of tumblers w/glass sipping straws, sieves, sinister-looking valves and rubber tubing, impeccably clean
4. Mothballed full service staff of automatons in formal dress
5. Variety of aquariums/terrariums teeming w/live edible creatures (large juicy insects, mollusks, small nearly featureless furry things, etc.) w/nearby barbecue pit and iron skewers standing by
6. Casks and kegs filled with ichors, blood, bile, and other assorted body fluids
7. Heads aging in closet
8. Rather sparse in the food department, booze selection fully stocked and tastefully chosen
9. Great loaves of dark brown bread cooling on rack, lots of small birds baked in
10. Disturbingly stinky wok, weird mutant fish from unknown depths on ice, not so fresh
11. Yesterday's paella getting ripe and crusty in unwashed vessel, empty liquor bottles scattered about
12. Mortar/pestle, tablet-making apparatus, many jars with powders of every hue, chunks of soft chalky stones, large sacks loaded with coin-sized pills

Thursday, November 15, 2012

The Necromancer's Ultimate Ambition

d12
1. Reanimate sustainable population of prehistoric totalitarian state for use as pre-oppressed pawns in political struggle against new-fangled feudalism
2. Create new sentient ape species infused with soul-matter from departed geniuses for release into the wild
3. Harness soul-energies to power colossal mobile death-wave generator, perpetrate ultimate extortion on powers-that-be
4. Construct planes-faring vessel composed entirely of cadavers whose harnessed undead brains control ship's functions
5. Replicate afterlife conditions in hermetic under-zone for unspeakable experiments
6. Establish personal body-bank of spare parts harvested from the dead: alternate limbs, body plans designed for various usage
7. Cultivate undead plants that produce undead fruits and vegetables to sustain an orderly undead society
8. Bioengineer giant disembodied undead womb for revitalizing meditation/tissue restoration bath
9. Deploy multi-gigaton death ray bomb in order to give death the slip by killing everything at once, to be followed instantly by detonation of reanimation bomb
10. Complete assimilation of knowledge harvested from rejuvenated brains representing every known stage of human history, become world's preeminent smart guy
11. Purge the universe of twisted spirits through combination of liberal dispersal of psychotropic vapors and tedious but indispensable talking therapy
12. Dehydrated zombies in convenient capsule-form

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Less Popular Undead

d12
1. Sword-haunting ghosts: follow around the blade that killed them from owner to owner, pooling talents to terrify and obstruct the actions of user at just the wrong moment
2. Disembodied brain, undead: uses mind control power to gain fresh host bodies for temporary habitation in hollowed-out skull
3. Reanimated muscle men: created using new process to fully revivify and sustain soft tissues, more deadly than skeletons, more efficient (and moderately more educable) than zombies
4. Ghoul, Bone-marrow feeding: sports smilodon-like hollow tusks for extracting favored comestible
5. Ghoul, Mummy-making: harvests the recently dead not for feasting, but for eternal preservation as part of growing mummy army, mustering in the forbidden lands for an unknown purpose
6. Ghost, Cambrian: spectral creatures of pre-ancient provenance and astonishing variety go about their incomprehensible business with no particular interest in the living
7. Snake Vampires: created by sorcerers to combat asp-infestation in ancient cities, subsequent return of blood-drained asps as vampires totally unanticipated, their bite turns humans into bone-marrow feeding ghouls
8. Shade, Ego-Devouring: target the party member most enamored of self
9. Ghost, pathological liar: spews rumors, hints, tips, dire warnings and prognostications, all of which are off-the-cuff fabrications
10. Cord slashers: spectral scalpel-wielding phantoms, take great delight in severing bond between physical body and soul, which they devour, often with no observable effect on victim
11. Ghost, Virus: infectious spiritual microorganism, soul-borne pathogen lethal to all but the most powerful undead
12. Ghoul, Brain-eating genius: assimilates all knowledge encoded in cortex of victim, often quite genteel, utterly reasonable, ambitions unfathomable

Monday, November 12, 2012

It Fell From the Heavens

d12
1. Winged giant, dead: scroll w/dire warning in 100 languages attached to harness on ankle
2. Encysted star god: sloughs off tons of dead outer tissues, gradually recovering from eons-long hibernation, preparing for close examination/evaluation of campaign world
3. Army of space wizards bent on conquest, their dodecahedron-shaped generation ship fatally damaged by collision w/fortuitous comet
4. Huge iron meteor, a crystal matrix encoded with supreme extra-cosmic knowledge at its core, psychics and sorcerers anticipate this event months prior
5. Impenetrable translucent sphere: teeming w/dark spiritual entities imprisoned for half an eternity by the Extinct Gods
6. Colossal apparatus, inoperative, of inscrutable purpose, composed of otherwise unavailable element w/potent trans-physical properties
7. First in a series of nightmare bombs launched through the void by extremely hostile inhabitants of recently discovered sphere
8. Skyscraper-size sword, the carelessly discarded sidearm of some outer god, cleaves through landmark of referee's choice
9. Plague of planetary parasites smash to earth and begin burrowing to the core to feast upon its immeasurable energies, causing tectonic shifts, earthquakes and impromptu volcanism
10. Seed of titanic planet-entangling creeper vine begins immediate skyward growth, seeking first any satellites, then reaching out to nearby worlds, providing a handy means of interplanetary travel even as it lays waste to the current campaign world
11. Chaos rains: condensed droplets stream downward as world passes through mutagenic space cloud, random species totally exterminated, others warped and bent beyond recognition
12. Coprolites of the Gods

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Enchanted Dungeon Equipment

d12
1. Fifty foot rope, smart: obeys simple commands, slithers along with party like friendly snake
2. Backpack of effortlessness: renders items placed within weightless
3. Pitons of security: single blow drives them, giant strength required to remove
4. Flint and steel, eldritch sparking: throws mighty spark ten feet, capable of blinding/causing minor burns/igniting oil
5. Flask of oil, extradimensional: holds up to a gallon of fuel
6. Ten foot pole, extensible: up to twenty feet, also collapses to one foot rod at need
7. Caltrops, fecund: once placed, double in number every ten minutes for one hour
8. Wineskin of inexplicable upgrading: turns water into wine, wine into brandy, brandy into spirits
9. Torch of fiery vengeance:  hurls flame up to ten feet, expands/diminishes on command
10. Grappling hook, self-guided: can serve as improvised magic weapon in a pinch
11. Animate sponge of automatic personal hygiene: every armor-wearing character should have one, at least
12. Rations, Epicurean: utterly austere, rock hard tack imparts illusion of lavish, soul-restoring meal

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Marks of Chaos 3: Ia!

d12
1. Body violently explodes and slowly reintegrates at random intervals
2. Extra-dimensional mouth contains d12 rather large tentacles
3. Changes form every d6 minutes (see subtable A)
4. Extra-sensory organs take up unused real estate on head: fleshy radar dishes, various antennae, less identifiable protuberances
5. Constantly fluctuating size/mass
6. New and different limbs growing in various stages of development
7. Thick viscous ichor perpetually streams from mouth, ears, nose, eyes
8. Deadly black radiations emanate from eyes
9. Speaks in several languages simultaneously on account of all the extra mouths
10. Body composed entirely of eyes of varied provenance
11. Huge horn-like growths adorn head (see subtable B)
12. Body composed of ever shifting multi-spectral light: hypnotic, may induce seizures

Subtable A: Changes in Form
d12
1-2 Giant brain w/spider legs
3-4 Levitating starfish w/single luminous eye
5-6 Housefly
7-8 Winged ape
9-10 Toga-clad youth of dazzling beauty, casting off golden light
11-12 Anthropomorphic red giant star

Subtable B: Head Adornments
1-2 Ram
3-4 Impala
5-6 Moose
7-8 Rhino
9-10 Stag beetle
11-12 Massive coral-like outcropping w/complete ecosystem

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Marks of Chaos 2: Not So Subtle

d12
1. Tentacled lips
2. 1d10 extra digits per hand
3. Mustache of Chaos: several feet long on both sides, completely prehensile, form hand-shapes on ends
4. Blood bursts into flame upon contact with air
5. Poisonous body odor: quite lethal at point blank range
6. Absurdly over-developed musculature, exceedingly veiny and slick with perspiration
7. Body covered with innumerable sets of dragonfly wings: hovers at will
8. Three eyes, one each perceives past, present and future
9. Long-toed prehensile feet: custom footwear required
10. No neck: head levitates above body, capable of independent movement
11. Tapering cone of mist where legs should be
12. Half of body occupies alternate dimension at any given moment

Monday, November 5, 2012

Marks of Chaos 1: Subtle

d12
1. Eyes keep changing color
2. Needle-sharp body hair
3. Slightly peculiar body odor: not particularly offensive, just weird
4. Black blood
5. Exhales barely perceptible white smoke
6. Ice cold skin
7. Nails grow to sharp points if left untrimmed
8. Sheds tears of blood when so moved
9. Teeth made of flint: regular knapping required
10. Small additional mouth on end of tongue, capable of speech
11. Bat ears: hair-do can conceal, if desired
12. Dancing hair

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Wandering Dungeon Jerks (Who Want to Join the Party)

d12
1. Potent magic user who treats everyone in possession of an even slightly less magnificent intellect with disdain and open contempt (favorite quip: "Idiots!")
2. Hyper-macho fighting man way over the acceptable hubris limit, absolutely cannot let stand any perceived slight, will undertake any challenge, preoccupied with mustachio-maintenance
3. Skillful, brazen thief practices pick-pocketry on party before disappearing into shadows only to keep reappearing, emits high pitched, tittering laughter
4. Big mouth warrior spews constant stream of braggadocio, reeks of cologne, wears sleeveless armor to show off rippling muscles (gymnasium rival of 2, above)
5. Treasure sack-laden servitor ape looking for work having just strangled former employer
6. Deposed monarch w/ever-shrinking cadre of loyalists looking to enhance war-chest, stickler for protocol, expects everyone to be constantly genuflecting, etc.
7. Former professional torturer turned dungeon raider, an able warrior who takes unseemly glee in carnage
8.  Kick ass princess with a sword, finally away from oppressive court life, won't listen to anyone about anything
9. Magnanimous Yotch, dungeon real estate agent, needs fresh bodyguards after professional mishap
10. Talking unicorn w/mood disorder on suicidal final war against evil
11. Paladin on perpetual crusade against even seemingly trivial transgressions (perfectly OK with murder hobo lifestyle, so long as the victims are demonstrably evil)
12. Bard

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Triumphs of the Pre-human Civilization

d12
1. Monumental artworks: swirling sculpted mountains, rivers re-routed for aesthetic purposes, engineered zones of decorative volcanism, psychedelic auroras
2. Invention (and subsequent deep interment) of incredibly lethal array of super-weapons
3. Interconnected network of subterranean cities, still half-flooded with toxic mutagenic gases after weird seismic event of eons past
4. Space travel mastered and subsequently abandoned as really bad idea after gaining inkling of what's out there: space fleet scuttled in ocean depths, thrown surface-ward by tectonic shift
5. Anti-gods defenses: titanic gun barrels aimed at the heavens across the globe, massive operations centers for each hidden beneath the earth
6. 100% accurate map of the multiverse, writ large in a massive multi-spherical cavern
7. The Levitating Gardens of Shug-Leth
8. Towering beacon still actively calling down Blind Idiot Space Gods for an unknowable purpose
9. Bio-engineered panoply of hardy, useful plants, also bewildering variety of monsters & terrors
10. The Indestructible Subterranean Museum
11. After achieving total psycho-spiritual enlightenment, embarked upon epoch of constructing colossal space-wasting meditation halls honey-combing mountains, zen gardens taking up all the best real estate, scenic views monopolized by senseless acts of serenity
12. Giant weather control stations in all corners of the Earth continue to manipulate atmospheric conditions, presumably under automated control

Friday, November 2, 2012

Weird Monster Attack Forms

d12
1. Launches semi-detached stomach to envelop and digest prey
2. Uses body as projectile
3. Emits brain-melting waves
4. Exudes digestive enzymes in noxious gaseous cloud
5. Uses telepathic power in attempt to scare foes to death
6. Long-distance suction tentacles speedily pump fluids from target
7. Cakes enemies with blinding accumulation of powder expelled on jets of compressed air
8. Extrudes continuous brood of attack-babies
9. Releases giant, ambulatory phagocytes that retrieve nourishment for the main body
10. Heart-stopping voltage attack
11. Soul-destroying metaphysical ray
12. Caustic, adhesive vomit