OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Seven

d12
1. Scroll of Holding: created by now-senile godling before totally losing it, stores unlimited amounts of information, spells, maps, other documents, contents from far-flung paleogean epochs right up to last Tuesday, no index
2. Small herd of stampeding treasure chests, fully loaded, ambulating upon clockwork horse legs, dispatched to secret summer house of the quasi-lich in adjacent dungeon complex
3. Wand of Transmission: fires bolt of information unerringly, decoded by brain of target who must make a saving throw or forget own name, other vital bits, for 1d12 hours
4. Gentleman's formal attire of Hell, bat-wing bow tie, fiendish spats, freshly cleaned and pressed, sized for twelve foot tall being of robust build, wing holes, smart lines, black-on-red design, fabric woven from wondrous alien metals, weighs a ton
5. Precise ink diagram on good vellum w/notations in thieves' code, burned a bit, trodden on, crumpled, indicates exact locations of 1d4 treasures on level 8
6. Pumpkin-size Golden Apple of the Gods, a single bite instantly increases the intellect if saving throw vs. death succeeds, then roll HERE for good measure
7. Enchanted steel snail shell w/tiny door, magic phrase allows owner and carried equipment to shrink down and take shelter within should that ever seem like a good idea
8. Gong of Supplication (Humanoid): tone precisely mimics signature fanfare of wicked deity, when sounded brings single type of humanoid to knees, wailing and grovelling as one might until ruse discovered
9. Cast iron Codpiece of Protection: gruesome bat-face design, prodigious magical bonus to armor rating but cannot be worn with anything else other than boots and helmet, maybe a cape, or enchantment negated
10. Vial w/1d12 blue and red capsules, if taken causes toxic gas to gush forth prodigiously from mouth as per cloudkill 
11. Large, relatively slow-moving bats w/four wings, bellies stuffed with gems, winging their way to quasi-lich's summer house in adjacent dungeon complex
12. Trained all-weather gelatinous cube: follows commands played on tin whistle, master can be encysted within for effortless transport over land or sea, great storage capacity, secretes acid as desired

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Six

d12
1. Miniature scale model of recent dungeon construction in extraordinary detail, placement of some death traps subsequently revised
2. Bag full of feathers from angel wings, razor sharp, stronger than steel, exude palpable aura of goodness repellent to soulless/undead, make for awesome magic arrows
3. Cursed fifty foot rope of treachery: to all appearances of the finest quality, ties/unties self at worst possible moment
4. Smart putty, ensorcelled to adhere to face and alter features to desired arrangement at whim, if attempted more than once/day user must make saving throw or face becomes writhing oozing out-of-control mask of unpleasantness
5. Dust and cobweb obscured solid gold trophy for competitive eating championship awarded to Dungeon Overlord earlier in career
6. Severed head of a fellow with terrible hairdo of chaos and ornate earrings of evil, partial dental appliance contains authentic demon fangs, soul-freezing bite attack paralyzes as ghoul, extractions required for use in most healthy PCs
7. Glass globe w/sentient gas being on elegant pedestal, telepathic, bitter, hateful, eats oxygen, famished, if released will instantly suck the air out of the room
8. Former enemies of the Dungeon Overlord, bodies preserved by dip in liquid gold, removed from public display years ago
9. Still-warm crock of giant centipede gumbo, quite nourishing, diabolically spicy, save vs. gastro-intestinal distress 1d4 hours after consumption
10. Shaman's medicine bag, straps hacked through, spattered with gore, contents interesting (tiny skulls of unknown origin, ancient coins no one collects anymore, new and unusual fungi, a shrunken human foot, stinky resins, assorted dried berries, etc.), seem like they should have some kind of mystic function but add up to a hill of beans
11. Gleaming helm w/large frilly moth-like antennae that sense movement/subtlest shifts in air current to a range of 120 feet
12. Palm size diamond, sentient, telepathic, awakened when cut by forgotten god at the dawn of time, has seen it all, knows it all, starving for attention after long isolation, exceedingly clingy and needy but good with numbers, volunteers to become financial advisor to adventurers

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Five

d12
1. Stoppered vial contains balm that causes thick, lustrous hair to sprout abundantly from skin wherever applied
2. Leather bag held down by heap of stones conceals levitating ingot of extra-dimensional metal of astonishing tensile strength and malleability, will ascend into the heavens if left untethered
3. Life size mannequin magically animates upon command and replicates several popular fighting styles for martial training, armed with array of kendo-style weaponry
4. Scroll of Instantaneous Mass Transport, designed for use when things get extremely bad, teleports any within fifteen feet of caster to distant star/campaign world of the game master's choosing
5. Single lens that allows remote viewing of extremely grim and brutal alternate reality wherein, perhaps unbelievably, the PCs are even more horrible people
6. Skull w/enchanted stone spike driven through, if embedded into skull of living subject at precisely the same angle it stimulates and augments latent telekinetic abilities
7. Crate contains carefully packed three foot long scale model of dirigible, fully functional, w/circlet of remote control included, designer's notes indicate payload capacity of up to ten pounds
8.  Hand truck loaded w/unmarked barrels
9. Nearly depleted spool of semi-unbreakable magic thread w/needle tucked in, enchanted small scissors of snipping stuck in the top
10. Lock box containing receipts for massive deposits issued by royal bank of nearest metropolis, ledger, signet ring, enough personal information to pull off identity theft of quasi-lich
11. Scroll scribbled in haste after research breakthrough seems to contain a variant of the disintegrate spell but is actually the arcane equivalent of a cyanide tablet
12. Golden idol of vulgar deity screams obscenities if touched or moved, carries on until dispel magic or equivalent applied

Monday, October 28, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Four

d12
1. Severed hand with ducal signet ring clutching a Wand of Regeneration, single charge remaining
2. Package wrapped in black paper, undelivered gift for wicked youngling contains set of fully articulated action figures of evil, crafted of wood and tin, masterfully painted, tiny implements of war and mayhem included, coupon to send away for ultra rare anti-paladin figure
3. Luminous crystal shard contains single massive electrical charge released by smashing against sufficiently hard object, discharges in thirty foot radius, damage as per lightning bolt
4. Exquisite suit of plate armor on standing display, currently inhabited by colony of hideous dungeon fairies like tiny bat-winged hairless monkeys, swarm attack if disturbed, sabaton articulations seep toxic guano
5. Tremendous meat pie left to cool on industrial-size rack, contents unknown but smells alright, huge golden ring baked in
6. Fabled Adamant Crowbar of Unsolicited Entry, enchanted to pry like nobody's business
7. Corpse copiously hacked and arrowed, obvious false eye sees gold through walls, etc, if in contact with optic nerve
8. The Gong Resounding, hand-size with dainty mallet, devil face painted on, magically amplified, loud as a nearby thunderclap
9. Conical wizard's hat w/decorative skull motif, blood-spattered, ransom gems sewn into apex, pocket also occupied by tiny viper
10. Hermetically sealed box containing chunk of rubbery troll flesh eager to remake itself once exposed to air
11. Toothy segment of dragon jawbone w/sculpted hand grip, enchanted to emit terrifying roar as per dragon when wielded in battle, combat bonus against mammals
12. Glass globe w/highly compressed and positively furious air elemental trapped within

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Three

d12
1. Stone tablet inscribed with cuneiform calendar of 100% accuracy, suppressed for religious reasons, could fetch major sum from right buyer or possibly summary execution for sedition if discovered by powers-that-be
2. Bedazzled keepsake box containing sacred bones, locks of humanoid hair, set of pointy baby teeth dipped in gold, swarm of aggressive body lice
3. Notarized document presenting semi-irrefutable evidence of regional monarch's collusion in various crimes against humanity
4. Sword of armor-cleaving: ancient blade enchanted to sheer off opponent's protective gear in single swipe once per day
5. Pages 117-198 of Forbidden Manual of Future Lore, contested translation into common tongue, contains many terrible revelations of events yet to be with direst ramifications for current ruling classes
6. Huge unbreakable leaf from the legendary Tree of Adamant
7. Crate containing sets of parade dress for entire humanoid royal clan for upcoming event, multiple sizes, all stunning in their over-the-top flamboyance, lots of shiny bits, weird juxtapositions of color, maker's mark indicates work of celebrity designer from nearest metropolis
8. Not-quite-colossal stone head, persistently levitates three feet above any surface, holds one thousand pounds before sinking
9. Single plate shoulder piece of missile deflection, enchanted to send missiles astray (2 in 6 chance), negligible effect on overall protection, needs new straps
10. Bone-crushing mace, ensorcelled to render random limb useless on critical hit, must be used two-handed by any creature smaller than ogre-size, great strength required
11. Musical instrument of shining brass, obviously designed to be played by creature with multiple mouths, scads of digits
12. Giant-size coat of exquisite chinchilla-like fur, marred slightly by smear of indelible ink on massive sleeve

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Two

d12
1. Leather scroll case, two tickets to the ogre war chiefs' biannual bacchanal inside w/directions
2. Beautifully crafted false devil horns w/gum adhesive, bat wings, tail, array of straps, one application of purple body paint, still in package
3. Ornate ceramic vessel with cork stopper, decorated w/scenes considered quite erotic by certain kinds of underworld humanoids, contains one gallon refined mineral oil, extra slippery
4. Half-full flask of nightmare juice: tiny sip imparts stimulating chills down spine, sense of dread, full measure incapacitates with mind-bending horrors for 1d4 hours, saving throw vs. early retirement to quiet life in the country upon awakening
5. Shiv of shanking: razor-sharp obsidian shard with leather wrapped grip, enchanted for bonus to backstabbery
6. Six extra-large gold coins in black purse, appear to have been minted in Hell, hideous devil face, unholy sigils, inscribed with dire curse, always warm to the touch, hard to spend
7. Discarded corner of sorcerer's mind-enhancing vegan sandwich: boosts IQ a bit but mostly jacks up self-confidence and causes the lips to curl involuntarily into sardonic smirk
8. Humanoid medic's field surgical kit: gnarly scalpels, retractors, pincers, spreaders, variety of toxic powders that may or may not induce unconsciousness, great curved needle and thread, strip of leather w/ bite marks, tubing and tourniquets made from tanned monster arteries, menacingly large scissors
9. Stylish multi-pronged helmet, of the kind practically irresistible to warriors of inflated self-importance, currently infested w/ benevolent parasite
10. Small leather bag with embroidered mushroom insignia: weird loam within produces a new super-nutritious fungal lobe each day if kept moist, stinks though
11. The silent mallet: ensorceled to drive pitons (etc) noiselessly
12. Exploding rations: erupt into ten foot ball of blue flame when bitten

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level One

d12
1. Near mint collectible humanoid figurine set, each figure engaged in different unspeakable act of evil, wrapped in lamb's wool and packed in special crate from the wicked manufacturer
2. Scuffed brass dungeon compass with stylized dragon embossed on cover, needle always points to the nearest exit
3. Stitched giant's bladder with adjustable metal nozzle, filled with hot pepper mash that sprays forth if squeezed
4. Ancient cube of gold, quite encumbering, 50% chance of being lead with thinnest veneer of gold foil
5. Semi-reliable Blindfold of Trap Awareness, sends shivers down the wearer's spine when traps are near or at random
6. Gems encased in blobs of lead for safe keeping (a troll practice)
7. Trained rat in wooden cage: sniffs out gold in exchange for treats
8. Poorly smelted iron badge with unknown rune: signifies allegiance with specific humanoid tribe
9. Unusual potion imparts unpleasant side effects unless saving throw succeeds
10. Damage-proof scroll case carved of leviathan ivory, bejewelled, decorated with skulls and devils, crumbling scroll inside contains enough fragments of unknown spell for relatively easy restoration
11. Animate disembodied hand on leash, able to follow simple commands
12. Enchanted crystal sword that hits automatically for maximum damage once then shatters into semi-precious shards

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Random Dungeon Overlord

d12
1. Marooned outer being established as object of worship, amasses resources needed to activate trans-cosmic distress signal device
2. World's smartest giant engineers scenario to ignite and maintain world's most continuous debauched revelry
3. Demigod of unspeakable evil and malice brought to lowly state by various earthly addictions
4. Failed war leader from remote alien sphere gathering power to give it another go in campaign world, hubris matched only by general incompetence (except in cruelty and combat)
5. Satan himself, visits campaign universe in spare time, just a relaxing hobby
6. Chrononaut from distant past: dinosaur monarch reincarnated as human-type, uniting powers of darkness to topple nauseating reign of mammals
7. Megalomaniac artist/sorcerer w/sensibilities of Hieronymus Bosch/H. R. Giger, plans to use entirety of campaign world as grand living canvas
8. Champion of Law gone rogue/undercover to sow seeds of Charles Mansonian helter-skelter amongst the surface kingdoms, triggering at last perpetually delayed final conflict
9. Just the standard bitter evil royal from surface kingdom fomenting the darkest possible revenge upon righteous usurpers until contracting lycanthropy and grotesquely disfigured by mind-enhancing fungal infection
10. Eldest god, diminished by laws of thermodynamics, attempts to undermine current reality and set new big bang in motion, builds containment module to sustain essence for special guest appearance in rebooted universe
11. Ascendant deity of Moral Relativism in super-impressive mortal guise, maintains terrible dungeon environment as proving ground for philosophical principles, adventurers and monsters mere lab animals in pitiless doctoral dissertation
12. Dead sorcerer's psyche inhabits incredibly muscular new body to resume interrupted unholy schemes and research, bash a few heads for good measure

Thursday, October 17, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Ten

d12
1. Dungeon Overlord's chief of staff, scarred around head where extra brains surgically crammed in, just called onto carpet for constant security breaches, flop sweat, offers unregistered guests cash bribe for immediate departure via secret passage to surface
2. Giant w/sledgehammer hand, sack of huge nails, takes down mummified remains of adventurers from display wall, cart load of freshies ready to go up
3. Renowned master thief in flowing cape, rumors of death greatly exaggerated, following mental collapse believes self to be ancient vampire
4. Wizard (out of spells) with nasty leg wound, recently defrocked cleric on the outs w/deity bleeding from face, drag limp armored form, rather chewed, certain they are pursued by actual Hounds of Hell
5. Dungeon Overlord's personal trainer in colorful skin-tight singlet, headband, vestigial bat wings, impeccably muscled body a high-tension wire, highly aggressive/volatile personality, no appreciable combat skills
6. Eccentric artist from surface, borne aloft by the ever-fluttering silk scarf of hovering, demonic significant other (jet-black, stunningly beautiful, porcupine quills instead of hair), lampoon the foibles of second half of D.O.'s super-armor design team (entry 7)
7. Evil dwarf armorer/engineer stomps around in huff, mutters about contacting union steward to get him out of the super-armor contract (see entry 6), huge adamant slide-rule beheads on critical hit
8. Recently revivified genocide-beetle scientist from ten million years in the past, tech advisor to D.O., oversees disinterment of paleogean death-science laboratory by devolved service beetles
9. Harem manager, towering androgyne, refugee from alien sphere destroyed in arcane incident, ninety-nine problems coming to head simultaneously, shredding documents with curving finger-claws, contemplates options, considering taking job with vampire lord in neighboring dungeon complex, knows semi-direct underworld route, needs bodyguards
10. Ghost of noted ancient philosopher/genius, policy advisor to D.O., insists (with all due politeness) adventurers follow to Overlord's chamber as proof positive of security issues
11. Surface monarch from nation thought to be bastion of good, full regal finery including many sparkling gems and luminous circlet of station, unsightly bite marks on neck (see entry 3), looking for security chief to file complaint
12. D.O.'s deep tissue massage therapist, grotesquely swollen land-kraken w/kindly human-like face, out-of-control drooling problem, tentacles strong enough to rip a man in half, simultaneously able to perform the most delicate of tasks

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Nine



d12
1. Partially stupefied giant, earmarked for cult sacrifice but now making a break for it, shaved, tattooed, diapered, envenomed darts sticking out of all parts north and south
2. The All Henchmen Brigade: loose confederation of various former hirelings gone rogue, opportunistic treasure scavengers, they hate adventurers above all
3. Chained to wall: entire party of adventurers formerly under the command of enlarged paladin on level eight
4. Iron clad Templar of Evil w/highly opinionated sentient greatsword chortles mirthlessly having just won a handsome purse in sadistic office wager
5. Purveyor of dark temple goods unpacks cases from payload area of giant pack ape, in stock: sacrificial blades of every size/shape, wicked skull-emblazoned raiment in assortment of garish colors, hallucinogenic incense, supersized tins of shelf-stable chicken blood, etc
6. Cult loremaster, frail, emaciated, head drooping under weight of giant ram's horns, reads from ambulatory lectern/land squid stacked with exceedingly rare tomes (of Chaos), automatically surprised, knows several death spells
7. Lava-man monarch, not quite sure about converting to cult despite being wined and dined, unimpressed with diabolical organization, more than happy to share opinions with strangers
8. Cult musical director, human shaped w/spider face, decked out in regal finery, paces on ceiling, hums to self composing strange, discordant fanfare for upcoming occasion: material advent of unspeakable deity
9. Crack squad of feral humanoid blowgun experts under command of famously missing surface criminal mastermind, trying to pick up the trial of partially stupefied giant (entry 1)
10. Former official tax collector for dungeon overlord, massive human form but whale skull for a head, huge luminous multifaceted eyes, stripped of authority after accusation of embezzlement, placidly awaits execution
11. Quite powerful sorcerer w/malfunctioning wand of teleportation, was aiming for subterranean kingdom beneath distant island, tries to get bearings without revealing utter cluelessness
12. Hulking cult executioner, mighty arm in sling, attended by faithful axe caddy, seeks out emergency healing in order to complete sacrifices required by ritual already in progress

Monday, October 14, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Eight



d12
1. Ten foot tall multi-tentacled service creature w/pleasant facial expression balances 2d4 trays loaded with exotic cocktails, glides toward nearby bacchanal, marsupial-like pouch stuffed with tips, unleashes stream of toxic bile if agitated
2. Drunk and disorderly demon princeling, fresh from making public ass of self in front of superiors, could possibly achieve redemption w/particularly tasty human sacrifice were one to present itself
3. Evil dramatist w/transparent skin and leathery wings works frantically on last minute revisions to short piece for imminent performance, reads out parts to self, weeping exasperated acid tears, willing to write in parts for adventurers who have that certain special something 
4. Wily expert thief hides in roast catoblepas carcass left to rest before service, waiting for opportunity to flee the scene w/bejewelled goblet enchanted to transmute wine into lethal poison
5. Enlarged paladin in black greasepaint w/impala horns glued to head pretends to be a demon guest but is sweating off his disguise, improvised faux-evil dialogue not so hot either, ready to create distraction according to plan already abandoned by cohorts
6. Ten foot tall multi-tentacled service creature relieved of duty after finishing off countless leftover beverages, bitter, vengeful, loopy, desperately needs new employers, built up toxic bile ready for discharge at even the slightest provocation
7. Breathless barbarian mouths pithy rebuke to so-called gods, smacking forehead with flat of gore-streaked two-handed sword, working up quite a froth before rushing headlong into battle against forces beyond barbarous comprehension
8. Noted surface sorcerer dripping with rings, talismans, charms, tries to look inconspicuous, whispers instructions to invisible companion, fiddles nervously with luminous wand topped with tiny human-like skulls
9. Horrified local monarch pales visibly reading over fine print on freshly signed contract, equally rattled court vizier attempts to get it together enough to read scroll of teleportation
10. Monster husbandry master attempts emergency surgical intervention on prone and gasping giant horror, recently hacked by barbarian (see entry 7), demonic owner looks on helplessly
11. Dealer with the face of a star-nosed mole readies displays of wicked armaments enchanted to smite the good, lawful, noble
12. High priest of surface temple webbed to corner chants feebly, still unbroken despite obvious abuse, crudely written sign at feet reads "please punch me in the face"

Saturday, October 12, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Seven

d12
1. Big game hunter answering call for same issued by resident quasi-lich who feels proliferation of ropers obscures view of attractive scintillant gas cloud effusing from paleogean fissure, neanderthal side-kick drags cart loaded with specialized anti-monster implements
2. Brewmaster general (half-drunk), muscles like steel bands due to hefting kegs day and night, mighty war-maul ready to smash any who interfere w/deliveries, equally mighty brew-apes (drunk) haul twelve varieties of craft beers and ales, each uniquely horrible
3. Unaccompanied sorcerer in striped raiment: all spells somehow bee-themed (ex: contact other hive, summon giant bee), bits of honeycomb in beard, likes to discuss all things apian pretty much exclusively, insufferable, abandoned by party when caught in web, royal jelly sampler w/variety of magical effects
4. Humanoid executive chef on rampage, tunic spattered w/remnants of deceased kitchen staff, rants in outrageous accent as great cleaver waves around menacingly, needs replacement staff instantly to complete dinner service for dungeon overlord and important guests
5. Necromancer's aide, exceptionally bright humanoid in black lab coat, did a quick loot of late master's chambers after terrible incident (see level six), laden with interesting items in large sack, makes bee-line for buyer on level eight
6. Masterful thief w/two broken legs crawling in shadows following unfortunate dispute with Brewmaster (entry 2), concealed scroll contains partial maps of levels 8-10)
7. Human from surface with fish symbol emblazoned on silk cape, dorsal fin helmet, elbow length black safety gloves, pushes hand truck with sealed leather bags containing live giant leeches for quasi-lich's aquarium
8. Evil gentleman of leisure w/armed-to-the-teeth undead manservant (zombie-like but very spry) makes notes in leather book, working on encyclopedia of underworld phenomena, seems friendly but dispenses nothing but intentionally misleading dungeon lore
9. Highly eligible troll maiden towers over throng of suitors pitching their nauseating woo, most she rebukes with verbal crudities, the more revolting she effortlessly tears limb from limb
10. Monster dentist brandishes official dungeon pass issued by overlord, terrifying tool kit, collection of weird monster teeth, needed for emergency extraction on level 10
11. Dungeon census official, tall and gaunt humanoid with pair of luminous ocular enhancers, takes information of any encountered, notifies tax collector (see level three) via telepathy of any unauthorized looters, carries rod of summary execution, squad of bloodthirsty ghoul attendants in war harness
12. Real estate developer for dungeon overlord, human shaped but covered in glistening ebon scales, blood-red forked tongue waggling provocatively during lulls in conversation, constant unsettling smile, shows empty rooms to vampire looking for new digs

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Six

d12
1. Gibbering warrior w/crazy eyes carries on about "the mouth in the shadows" while wandering aimlessly dragging 50' rope tied into hangman's noose
2. Powerful sorcerer, stripped of goods, nude but for sigil-inscribed underpants, huge bruised knot on forehead, still groggy after suffering recent KO at the hands of fellow adventurers
3. Ghost of former cleric just wants to talk for a minute about the good news, new revelation: the gods can (and must) be killed
4. Deeply evil but entirely reasonable witch wrapping up spell component gathering mission to nether corners of level, loaded w/various psychoactive fungi, willing to trade for interesting eldritchery
5. Radical cave giant in open revolt against dungeon powers-that-be issues rousing semi-intelligible political speech to any within earshot, will not be exploited again by dungeon autocracy, will hurl boulders only for the betterment of fellow underworld terrors
6. Unintentionally summoned demon chews necromancer haunch while taking leisurely walking tour of interesting dungeon locales
7. Paladin in semi-gleaming mail staggers a bit but looks fine until he raises his visor and its plain to see he's a walking dungeon plague vector
8. Noble surface-aristocrat-turned-expert-assassin on mission to destroy the radical cave giant (entry 5), but may actually agree w/rudimentary populism
9. Slight human form seems to be wearing shaggy sweater, no wait, its made of zillions of living chaos mosquitoes but don't worry, the being assures, they only eat a little
10. Radiant angelic form nailed to floor by iron spike through foot, bats eyelashes, politely asks for assistance
11. Wizard w/perhaps the tallest conical hat on record tries to bamboozle last healing potion from pair of wary fighters with carefully worded rationales, the lot of them multiply punctured by tiny bites of some kind
12. Warrior w/prehensile mustache, sole survivor of total party kill, willing to share location of museum loaded w/bejewelled statuary, doesn't mention that its also a breeding ground for weird chimera

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Five

d12
1. Tall fellow in high-collared black cloak looks like he wants to parley but then frog-like extensible tongue studded with razor-sharp obsidian starts darting about
2. Experimental horse-man (man-head grafted sloppily onto pony-body): escaped from lab, in search of man-horse last seen on level four and good sorcerer/surgeon
3. Noted sorcerer/surgeon, recently trampled (by entry 2), in state of general discombobulation, levitating at top speed on iron disk, every death spell available on the tip of tongue
4. General of recognizable surface force, practically aglow with enchanted arms/armor, en route to level ten under protection of brother-sister bodyguard team, each sibling master of complimentary martial art
5. World bodybuilding champion of the cave giants sporting truly staggering physique, in repose on litter borne by a platoon of ogres, eating elf-heads like grapes, separate platoon hauls portable workout rig, pretty sure everyone he sees is a big fan
6. Humanoid in hazmat suit w/insignia of sorcerer (see entry 3) runs about in a panic opening doors and screaming about "imminent core melt-down in the humanimal amalgamator"
7. Expert burglar suffering from magical amnesia can't recall where he got the face-melting wand, but doesn't feel at all comfortable about holding on to it
8. Smug warlock major domo leads crew of headless kung-fu zombies bearing broken body of escaped former paramour of celebrity witch, moving towards level four
9. Sword master from famous surface duelling school, identity shrouded by magic, hell bent on proposing marriage to medusa in nearby lair, ritual suicide blade oiled and ready in the event of rejection
10. Lone barbarian, unarmed after losing battle with pack of sphinx-dogs, lurks in shadows waiting for someone to amble by w/a huge axe or something
11. Gill-man Homeland Security Chief in dapper jellyfish leather parade dress, surrounded by personal guard, nervously makes way toward level ten anticipating assassination attempt at any moment
12. Pre-human king of antediluvian provenance, accidentally freed from stony imprisonment by interlopers from surface, flexes restored muscles by kicking the ass of anyone who happens by while mental faculties slowly come back on-line

Sunday, October 6, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Four

d12
1. Three identical clones of unknown wizard, naked but for bloodstained hands, flee madly from crime scene, beards still dripping with amniotic fluid, each have terrible eyes
2. Slender human with horse head, huge flaming glaive, stitches and staples visible at ragged neckline, totes bale of hay, satchel of sugar cubes, unable to speak but taps out messages with feet
3. Freelance torturer nervously brandishing official letter from dungeon overlord heads toward level ten to begin gig, cart load of implements hauled by undead manservant
4. High priest of heinous underworld cult in tattered vestments on deity-mandated apology tour after years of mismanagement/malfeasance
5. Gill-man police detective in jellyfish leather uniform and fluid-filled glass helmet hunts gill-man assassin last seen on level two
6. Giant termite queen of surprising intellect scopes out possible sites for depositing one zillion eggs
7. Warlock with magic rope and squad of charmed humanoids, tracks movements of escaped horse-head experiment (entry 2) with extreme caution
8. Victorian gentleman explorer from adjacent dimension seeks blacksmith to repair mole-tank abandoned on level five, just unloaded revolver into dog-sized miniature sphinx to excellent effect but currently unarmed
9. Barbarian w/quite impressive mutton-chops, countless arrows and spears protruding from fur-clad body, left for dead by party, wears ring of regeneration and will be coming around any moment
10. Former lawful warrior reincarnated as hideous dungeon pixie leaves dungeon in disgust via secret exit, complains bitterly about fellow dungeoneers, now exploring level 5
11. Purveyor of fine poisons with case handcuffed to wrist, escorted to celebrity witch's lair by squad of towering headless zombies
12. Synthetic humanoid, rejected for unanticipated level of hubris, escaped mass extermination then came across bodies of adventurers killed suddenly by poison gas, now wears cloak of concealment, carries stiletto enchanted to ignore armor, 2d4 exploding gems, small fortune in gold

Friday, October 4, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Three

d12
1. Psychic sculptor: telekinetically operates rather fearsome hammer and chisel, tags dungeon walls w/obscene bas relief
2. Celebrity witch rides headless giant bat at top speed through corridors pursued by throng of gibbering humanoid fans, clearly delighted with attention
3. Delivery-giant in smart uniform puzzles over location to drop off pallet load of canned processed human meat product
4. Exhausted but still hyper-competent humanoid gladiator w/bag full of personally severed heads looks for crooked and currently missing underworld bookie to settle accounts
5. Official tax collector for the dungeon overlord: massive humanoid with giant glowing multifaceted eyes, black armor of wrought meteoric iron, posse of heavily armed leech men, adventurers commanded to instantly remit thief tax calculated on the spot by quick visual assessment of means
6. Paladin in fire-blackened plate, once-glorious hairdo burned to scalp, eyebrowless, formerly booming basso voice reduced to choked whisper, smiles crazily and keeps repeating "it wasn't a dragon!"
7. Typically precocious dark elf children, clad in superb chitin mail, armed to teeth, scamper about setting experimental man-traps for a school project despite feeble protestations by local humanoids too terrified to fully assert themselves
8. Teleportation specialist wizard and gaggle of expert cut-throats congratulate one another on recent victory against troll, squabble about loot division
9. Human mercenary in skin tight action suit w/ rapier, dagger, armor-piercing specialist of the utmost skill, leads frail bald human in stained hospital gown w/power to detect gold at 120 feet
10. Dungeon serial killer concealed by magic-enhanced camouflage bides time waiting for ideal victim, can remain motionless for hours
11.The Sword of Inquiry, intelligent relic w/personality of a chat show host, cruises the dungeon under its own power of levitation, freed from locked trunk in troll hoard by adventuring crew (see entry 8), willing to team up with the right warrior but only after extensive interview process
12. Expert monster wrangler in safari outfit meets w/ghoulish dungeon banker to discuss security options for proposed branch, site currently infested with entirely disposable humanoid population

Thursday, October 3, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Two

d12
1. Magic-user w/flaming beard howls with mad laughter, barely able to walk, propped up by several sabre-toothed ape servitors, en route to level ten in great haste, adventuring rabble quite beneath contempt
2. Ogre field medic carrying black doctor's bag, extensive surface-war experience, will exchange dicey healing skills for cash, loves to dicker while patients bleed out
3. Underworld ranger moves noiselessly through dungeon on courier mission for petty boss, cuts down any who even momentarily impede progress, wax-sealed scroll contains pathetic plea for a couple of days worth of black lotus tar
4. The Masked Pamphleteer: exceedingly nimble, all-concealing ninja-like garb, glass globes filled with poison gas, flits about distributing latest anti-dungeon-hierarchy screed, slipping them beneath doors, leaving piles by watering holes, at pit bottom, etc.
5. Disembodied troll head painstakingly lips and tongues its way back to level three to rejoin the rest of its body, presumably still locked in combat with teleportation specialist and armed associates
6. Intelligent cephalopod in tank on litter borne by squad of fishman warriors discusses alliance with humanoid field marshals planning coup
7. Evil faith healer from underworld temple offers services in exchange for oaths of fealty/monetary sacrifice, cautions all re: highly unreliable new-fangled battlefield medicine as practiced by ogre (see entry 2)
8. Warrior with face melted by eldritch sorcery staggers to and fro senselessly, has no mouth but would love to warn adventurers of mind-bending dangers on level three
9. Intelligent giant lizard capable of speech attempts to convince adventurers to exterminate nearby colony of giant beetles with taste for intelligent lizard eggs, beetles keep getting more intelligent with every devoured clutch
10. Evil merchant with two black eyes and blood streaming from nose staggers in a panic, carrying on about ruination, fleeing confrontation w/extremely dissatisfied vampire customer, travel sack loaded with concentrated wealth
11. Multi-talented entertainer with cadre of hangers-on dragging trunks full of costumes, musical instruments, theatrical props, flees toward secret passage to surface, subject to summary execution following seditious portrayal of dungeon overlord
12. Gill-man in jellyfish leather togs and fluid-filled glass dome helmet w/wicked black trident walks razor-tusked walrus on retractable tether while chatting with star-struck gaggle of humanoid royals about assassinating intelligent cephalopod from entry 6.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level One

d12
1. High level wizard in full regalia, torn, blood-spattered, black-feathered arrows in back, out of spells, dazed and desperate, clutches still-smoking wand of fireballs with single charge remaining
2. Mystic levitating in lotus position, zooms through dungeon in search of (presumed dead) acolyte charmed into joining band of upstart scoundrels, issues brief but trenchant verbal dressing-down to any adventurers
3. Furious pirate captain w/squad of the vilest sea-dogs conducts brutal search for pick-pocket who slithered below with enchanted sextant, cutlasses drip with vital fluids of the last one to refuse questioning
4. Ogre with new found culinary passion has no interest in dispatching surface dwellers despite extremely ferocious appearance, will trade notched war axe for wine/spices/cooking equipment, found dead body of acolyte (see entry 2) and wants to do something really special with it
5. Impaled warrior still on feet despite near-total blood loss thinks he remembers where he dropped a sack of huge gems
6. Junior thieves hide in shadows while moving silently having stolen the kobold czar's silver circlet as part of an initiation ritual, unfortunately for them the relic glows powerfully through any wrapping
7. Mayor of nearby town in false mustache and cloak w/giant bodyguard (hairless and mute but just rippling with bone-cracking muscles), dismissed from latest mandatory secret meeting with dungeon overlord, human sacrifice demands doubled
8. Barbarian w/gore-smeared bastard sword goes to great lengths to get adventurers to indicate direction of exit while concealing total bewilderment, suggestions that he might be lost illicit foaming over-reaction
9. Quite powerful witch from across the way (accompanied by pair of towering headless kung-fu zombies) awaits arrival of local celebrity witch, irritation increases with each passing minute
10. Knight with crumpled helm and caved-in cuirass crawls toward the exit muttering about the "fist from below"
11. Thief concealing enchanted sextant (see entry 3) rushes to lower levels to meet underworld connections, knows secret way through the Corridor of Twenty Traps
12. Swarm of dark elf children tethered together by neck-harnesses scamper about snake-like having escaped their keeper, a ghastly troll hag now desperate enough to ask surface folk for assistance