OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Zealots in the Streets

d12
1. Trio of totally nude, heavily muscled missionaries, complete mythic story arc of terrible deity encoded in highly detailed pictogram tattoos covering 99.9% of their bodies, presented with much ritual posing and flexing
2. Gaggle of black sarong-clad death worshippers hurrying off to nearby shrine for massive auto-annihilation ceremony
3. Flagellites of extremely ascetic order give each other shots across the shins w/wicked bamboo implements while chanting on interminably
4. Thooloo's Witnesses politely inform all encountered of imminent doom and inescapable damnation, distribute pamphlets loaded with scary woodcuts
5. Acolytes of the Beatdown God twist their mustachios, roll up their sleeves, command passersby to put up their dukes and settle things like men i.e. no-holds-barred bare knuckle brawling sans unmanly war implements
6. Priestess of Aggrox the Axe Lord more than willing to demonstrate the superiority of her faith using the legendary Axe of Helm-Cleaving punctuated judiciously w/volleys of throwing axes of certain disarmament
7. Jolly Templar of the Cosmic Brewmaster wears barrel on back, dispenses pints in exchange for a short song of praise for deity, monkey sidekick w/waterskin backpack washes mugs, juggles, dances amusingly to songs
8. Outfitted in flipper and fin-adorned wetsuits w/begoggled pope hats, underworld sea god devotees harangue pedestrians w/promises of eternal holiday at Undersea-side resort/temple
9. Haughty missionaries of the God of Conspicuous Consumption drip w/expensive-looking baubles, too snooty to proselytize to adventuring riff-raff
10. Unholy combination of busker/bard/cleric of the beauty god yodel out super-catchy devotionals with insidiously memorable hooks, saving throw vs. throwing contribution into lute case
11. Demi-material missionary ghosts roam about, issue reports of full afterlife satisfaction for the faithful should they devote their remaining days to serving Paxamamnon the Colossal Sculptor of Worlds, single commandment: destroy all sorcerers
12. Yyrgh the Celestial Organizer requires a golden pyramid for unexplainable reasons, his shaved, oiled, yellow toga-clad worshippers must accumulate building materials by taking on menial jobs like torchbearer, treasure-hauler, legitimately earned gold delivered to convenient pyramid-shaped depositories throughout city

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Xenophobia in the Underworld

For use determining reactions when PCs encounter isolated or little known beings in the abyssal depths of the Underworld

d12
1. You can trust a surface man's word, but gee are they powerful delicious/nutritious
2. All surface dwellers hated in descending order by height, the tall produce the staunchest fear and loathing, wee ones might be alright
3. Surface humans certainly reek to high heaven, but otherwise its anyone's guess, judge them on an individual basis
4. The creatures from above are so evil they think they're good! Destroy them before they can pollute your mind with their insane philosophies
5. Only a metal hat of some kind can save you from the surface people's mind control powers, shoot them from a distance and keep moving
6. Humans are blind, stupid, cruel, and greedy, but you can bamboozle them into extremely lopsided deals to minimize unpleasantness
7. Those from the outer crust have many admirable qualities but living under the open sky allows unfathomable entities from the void to warp their minds
8. They only come for one reason: our wealth, and they will do anything, absolutely anything no matter how terrible, to get it
9. The surface folk are fools, patsies of the gods, to be pitied but exterminated swiftly
10. Every time you kill a human an angel gets its wings
11. While unarguably hideous to view, with the appropriate training regimen, humans can make perfectly serviceable slaves, bait them with treasure and try to take them alive
12. Adventurers happen to match descriptions of prophesied harbingers of death god's imminence: fear, supplication

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The Lich is Away From its Lair

d12
1. At dungeon entrance, inspecting crate of ancient/forbidden tomes, checking order carefully for any deviation from promised contents/conditions, delivery ogre magically frozen in position by door should order fail to satisfy
2. Taking leisurely stroll through dungeon environment, chatting w/invisible ghost consultant, intelligent monsters in area notably deferential, obedient, flee at the first opportunity
3. In guard area, digesting reports of incursions into dungeon, stroking chin, brushing up on the most horrible spells of death and mayhem from travel grimoire, former captain of the guard a smoking ruin, replacement captain's face drained of color, drenched in flop sweat
4. Conducting tour of dungeon vacancies w/striking, exceedingly well-dressed vampire and hideous half-ape coffin-mule, fondling dark gem of evil, a gift from vampire
5. In lair, but in midst of prolonged astral sojourn, body hovers in lotus position guarded by pack of huge hounds made of molten lead
6. Currently in unknown dimension on initial survey, cosmic gate open in lair, swirling nightmare environment beyond instantly lethal to living beings, highly intelligent, bioluminescent, demi-material bats streaming in, find earthly conditions preferable to their own
7. On trip to nearby metropolis to check in w/real estate agency on bid to purchase private tower w/several subterranean levels in good part of town near marketplace, theater district, carries substantial down payment in gems
8. Romantic tryst in Hell with particularly seductive devil, fated to go terribly wrong, lich will have much spleen to vent upon return
9. Presenting radical breakthrough in depopulation science to conference of evil in nearby abandoned shrine, papers scattered about lair contain just enough hints for adventurers to realize potential threat to every living creature on the planet
10. Scaring the hell out of the humanoids on adjacent dungeon level whose repeated offenses/unnecessary disturbances demonstrate highly deficient sense of boundaries
11. Performing field evaluations of new and improved fireball spells (giant fireball, smart fireball, fireball w/self-extinguishing flourish, etc) on elf-infested forest nearest to dungeon
12. Appointment w/world's most attractive wizard at mountaintop spa for intensive de-shriveling treatment

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

What the Lich Wants


d12
1. Driven by insatiable worldly passions, amasses treasure to fund construction of monumental pleasure-pyramid, collects artifacts/relics, hoards gems/jewelry/doo-dads/trinkets, surrounds self w/nubile young servants, throws lavish parties of evil, no display of wealth too ostentatious
2. This lich has a revenge list a mile long and cannot rest until visiting a uniquely tasty catastrophe upon every entrant, often including next of kin, entire family trees
3. General disgust with the gods, devils, demons, pretty much everyone fuels perpetual research towards a means of escaping Gygaxian cosmological schema forever
4. Despite decisive victory over death itself, the lich's mind has gone all dark and hopeless, sets plans in motion to render all the world into colossal mausoleum, brews plagues, chemical weapons, broods of murder monsters, abides alone in elaborate tomb complex loaded w/specially commissioned self-aggrandizing artworks
5. Just wants to finish sweeping series of novels set millions of years in the past, era of hegemony of the extinct intelligent beetles, editing thirtieth draft of manuscript, instantly destroys any who would break his concentration
6. Only world-wide recognition and the approbation of evil peers can make up for a childhood of neglect, psychologically compelled to become a household name by any means necessary and to the exclusion of any other agenda, given to random acts of public terror, also takes credit for unattributed mayhem, frequent press releases delivered by demonic courier service
7. Time spent concocting, applying to self, mastering every conceivable super-power duplicable by wizardry, before embarking upon career as trans-cosmic hero
8. Seeks to acquire political power via behind-the-scenes machinations, unholy alliances, espionage, assassinations, blackmail, intimidation, and use said power to plunge region into perpetual state of senseless conflict just for the sheer entertainment value
9. Sickened by the lameness of the human species, labors ceaselessly to restore an extinct nonhuman race to its rightful place of world supremacy
10. Compiling knowledge from across gulfs of time into single comprehensive resource, encoded into crystalline matrix and accessible only by psychic powers, travels frequently, squad of high level magic user lackeys keep watch over subterranean research facility
11. Nearly complete space rocket will soon carry the lich, vampire entourage to planet in the Black Galaxy perfectly suited to eternal unlife
12. Must complete trans-cosmic power beam caster to cut heavenly realm of the gods from moorings w/the material world, setting the menaces adrift in the void, never again to trouble humankind

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Wandering Clergy and their Holy Implements



1. Supreme Lawgiver of Ooyosh, Pillar of Order, multi-pronged pope hat, robe of interlocked steel plates, mallet of redemption, on deity-mandated mission to harvest souls, converts must sign stack of forms, make immediate 10% tithe, travels with barrister/accountant sidekick
2. Father Flailarm of Nul the Mindless God, fully articulated steel prosthetic right arm ending in brutal flail of nullification, emits stream of dogma centered around destroying your own personality, a feat he seems to have pulled off supremely well
3. Goshimi the ever-chanting Wind Bishop must never relent from ritual chatter to dissuade the wind god from initiating long-promised Tornado Apocalypse, mashes enemies of the sky lords w/enchanted boomerang of catastrophe
4. Sister Shuyang of the Hermetic Order of Hloo-hloo, maintains icy distance, speaks sparingly in the quietest of whispers, avoids eye contact, but would join the adventurers for a chance to wallop evil with her stark bludgeon of removal
5. Hyrkon, initiate of the worm god, granted moustache mandibles for piety in word and deed, raiment tattered, half-starved, recently completed lengthy Underworld vision quest, emerged in unknown territory, lost, confused, seemingly abandoned by deity, bashes enemies of the worm-state with the writhing maul
6. Chaos Pontiff, muscled mass equivalent to small pony, wrapped mummy-like in dripping black cloth from head to toe due to unsightly skin mutation, giant gleaming eight-pointed crown, brandishes Yyr and Yur, twin demon-clubs carved from ebony w/elaborate bat wing/skull/tentacle design that transmute into extremely aggressive shoggoth forms on command
7. Al-kala-aq, quest-mullah of Ogos the Eternal relentlessly pursues the devil Uugruncht, former Ambassador from Hell, follows up new clues wherever the adventurers might be going, 2 in 6 chance of sudden preemptive devil attack per day, smacks evil w/iron rod of exorcism
8. Minister Mulkavar of a highly communicative deity of Law, plain black farmer's togs w/extremely broad brimmed hat, receives new revelatory broadcasts 1d2 times daily, convulses during divine download, soils raiment, begins extensive reportage after recovery, cracks the skeptical with sanctifying mace of clarity
9. Hishak Tithecollector, urban-camo-shrouded cutthroat/Cardinal of thieves' cult, divine powers of stealth, brings down massive cosh of ambush only from behind
10. Kuunthar-Ak, war shaman of the nearly extinct forest culture, once-serene deity now twisted to dark vengeance, issues Chewbacca-like aggro-howl before smiting the establishment w/deadly rod cut from the sole-surviving eternal oak
11. Yeti Lama, levitates in lotus position, unmatched serenity, speaks in nothing but koans, significant healing/curing powers given free of charge, utterly unimpressed with adventurers but may join a party just to teach them a lesson, smites nothing but wears stylish amulet of mental intrusion
12. Bruuthor, barbarian priest of Bor the callous mountain god, bearer of the mighty truncheon of dispersal, chants a lot, actively discourages others from worship of deity due to total lack of interest in humanity, Bor on his mountain does not care