OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

That's a Weird Place for a Town

d12
1. On the back of  titanic, incredibly slow-moving snake-like reptile en route to legendary breeding ground of world serpents, prophesied to arrive around turn of the next millennium
2. Built into walls of antediluvian coliseum discovered by sea-raiders on recently risen island, now site of bustling pirate's market
3. On stilts above cursed cemetery of the ancients, agents dispatched to harvest inexhaustible supply of relics, processed to remove lingering curses/any evidence of provenance, new coinage minted for trade
4. Atop highest mountain peak, occupied by diminutive goat-riders awaiting messianic return of sky god
5. Built around colossal skeleton of forgotten titan, ribcage houses public square, market place, skull retrofitted into residence of royal families
6. Expert giant bat-wranglers maintain community hanging from ceiling of enormous cave, 1001 uses for guano
7. On top of seemingly abandoned gigantic UFO hovering fifty feet off the ground, ingenious drawbridge-like staircases lowered to authorized visitors, residents lower rope-ladders for personal use
8. Under invisible dome of unknown origin, gate built to seal single gaping crack at base, water bubbles up miraculously from ancient springs, semi-permeable dome provides greenhouse-like effect for farming, essentially siege-proof
9. In the protective mouth of the Great Toad Mother in Bottomless Fen, surfaces and opens up on request of Theocrat, entire population cult fanatics (naturally), extort offerings from nearby cities
10. On uppermost surface of geologically-impossible Lonely Plateau, accessible only by navigating heavily-trapped maze of tunnels
11. On asbestos disk suspended above volcanic vents by single hot air balloon, changes elevation, position at need, extract rare elements from cauldrons below w/long instruments, expert metallurgists hold exclusive supply contracts w/dwarfs
12.  Spectacular iceberg town boasts amazing ice/whalebone-architecture in constant state of flux, maintained by whale-hunters commanded to settle by ice gods, will one day meander south to holy site of apocalypse, illuminated by spermaceti-fueled lamps

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Effects of Passing Through The Dimensional Breach

d12
1. Lose all faith in current religion, slip into nihilistic depression (or become fanatic convert to most convenient/familiar faith if atheist)
2. Eyes leave moorings on elongated, fully prehensile, muscle-sheathed optic nerves, google around ludicrously for duration of interplanar sojourn, strong enough to hold dagger in a pinch
3. Surrounded at all times by distracting visual, auditory hallucinations of tiny winged monkeys, restful sleep out of the question  
4. Downgraded several steps below current position on evolutionary ladder, brow ridge protrudes, uptick in body hair, speak only as Hollywood Frankenstein/Tarzan, forget how to use complex devices/spells
5. New sensory organ like miniature radar dish erupts from crown, begins spinning, roll for new stat: Extra-Dimensional Perception
6. Skull softens, becomes pliable, fore brain swells grotesquely, IQ spikes but ideas frequently terrible, immediately shrinks down upon return but must wear snug helmet forevermore
7. Become convinced that everyone back in home dimension must be secret vampires
8. Lungs force their way out mouth for proper respiration, get all leathery, speech still works but sure sounds unpleasant
9. Permanent metabolic shift (50% gain weight at alarming rate despite sensible diet/exercise regimen, 50% must eat like a shrew and still shrink down to emaciated bare minimum in constant danger of starvation)
10. Transdimensional intoxication as per heavy drinking (1 in 6 chance per hour of passing out), companions must save or deface subject w/obscene graffiti
11. No immediate effect but upon return gold = lethal poison
12. Incontinence

Monday, February 24, 2014

It Came Through The Dimensional Breach

d12.
1. Colossal space-hive loaded w/spectral bees who harvest souls of the living then condense them into super-potent mind-expanding honeys and royal jellies capable of raising the dead
2. Sentient comet looking to complete its life cycle in cataclysmic planet-fall, interior loaded with spores that begin tunneling into mountains/bedrock/ocean bottom, growing rapidly
3. Victorious army of the dinosaurians, having finally conquered an alien dimension after millions of years of struggle, led by Her Serene Majesty the super-genius diplodocus w/eleven heads
4. Small band of immensely powerful beings in outlandish spandex outfits, searching for McGuffin of enormous value to the campaign world, highly resistant to physical force but vulnerable to even the humblest magic
5. Formless mass of incalculable immensity, starting to take shape undeniably similar to the grandest metropolis on the campaign world
6. Flopping lung-like appendages of unknown entity on other side of breach, calamitous respiration beginning to convert atmosphere to undesirable new configuration
7. Giant creeping vines loaded abundantly w/nutritious berries of great variety immediately overtake the region, spreading with alarming speed, world hunger problems seemingly at an end
8. Dirigible operated by cabal of semi-human explorer-wizards searching out worlds suitable for colonization, must refuel engines with magic-absorbing ramscoop, temporarily rendering all spells null and void  
9. Entire ocean's worth of viscous fluid erupts causing massive flooding, followed shortly thereafter by fleet of water beetle-like warships and their utterly confused pirate occupants
10. Giant hand outstretched palm-up accompanied by booming voice demanding speedy delivery of all the kingdom's golden treasures, if refused massive fist shall appear to smash castles, shatter fortifications
11. Destructive jet of super-heated gas precedes arrival of sun-dwellers in cold-proof suits, knocked off course by blind idiot space god, out of dimension-hopping power, must find means of reaching the sun to save it from an unknown solar malady
12. Godzilla-size astronaut staggers forth, stumbles, falls upon Imperial Capitol City, issues dire warning in incomprehensible tongue, succumbs to infestation of giant worm-like parasites now denied a suitable host but willing to improvise

Friday, February 21, 2014

Also Removed by the Remove Curse Spell

"Yes, I believe I can undo the witch's baleful incantation, but I must warn you that some patients experience one or more of the following side-effects..."

If a saving throw is failed, roll 1d4-1 to determine number of side effects, re-roll repeats or irrelevant results.
d12
1. All knowledge of financial affairs, past and present, including current contents of purse
2. Self-confidence, leaving behind a doubt-wracked wretch, patient companions must drag subject to any further adventures
3. Random skill, talent, or ability, becomes impossible to relearn
4. Vision in one eye, hearing in one ear, use of one nostril, feeling on one side of body, ability to taste saltiness/sweetness, leaving only bitterness/sourness, umami unaffected for some reason
5. Love for one's fellow mammals, victim seeks out comfort among the bugs, reptiles and fishes
6. The ability to form and communicate a coherent sentence under stress, i.e. "Go check the door for traps!" becomes "Go dogfish in the banana patch!"
7. Sense of humor, leaving a rigid literal interpretation of everything in its wake
8. Teeth, can be fashioned into interesting necklace for a small additional fee
9. Any remaining dedication to honor and nation, must make saving throw to avoid shouting treasonous remarks when in proximity to authority figures
10. Tolerance to alcohol, subject becomes a one-drink drunk
11. Personal charm, if any, also permanently erases any tattoos, closes piercings, screws up hairdo for life 
12. The will to wear pants

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

What's Up with These Giant Rats?

d12
1. Able to spring frog-like up to thirty feet, glide on webbing between front and back legs as flying squirrel
2. Walk on walls and ceiling as spiders, eight eyes, saliva causes necrotic wound
3. Projectile vomit disease-laden bile in twenty foot arc once per day, but must go lie down afterward
4. Hairless, extra-hideous, hive mind, form great rolling rat balls capable of smashing through dungeon doors
5. Can speak the common tongue but only say things a rat might think plus obscene insults
6. Bipedal, dress in hobbit-like gear, smoke pipes, good with slings and darts, craft lethal anti-humanoid traps
7. Obscured by visible swarms of huge mutant flesh-eating bacteria
8. Pick pockets as master thieves, skitter off w/the shiniest available items, deep warren chamber a remarkable treasure trove accessible only by rat holes
9. Actually really cute and adorable, or maybe that's just their mind-control pheromones
10. Act as watch dogs for hostile dungeon population, flee from all encounters to alert masters, get treats but will betray trainers for anyone w/special treats
11. Instantly extrude a litter of fast-growing ratlings every time they eat an adventurer 
12. Long, spiky bright orange and purple fur, preceded by acrid stench, literally dripping with neurotoxin from hyperactive poison glands, utterly fearless

Monday, February 10, 2014

The Evil Sorcerer's Alter Ego

d12
1. As half-naked torchbearer, spell components secreted in loin cloth, reveals true nature w/pyrotechnic effects, peals of wicked laughter only when object of desire located by adventurers
2. In disguise as visiting high official of respectable local cult sent by home office to catalogue and facilitate return of cult treasures to far off temple for study
3. Never quit day job as Imperial Librarian, accumulates personal library of forbidden texts back at home, replaces originals with fakes full of disinformation cranked out by small army of imp-scribes
4. Pretends to be Evil Deity, frequently descends from the heavens, cloaked by cascading polymorph spells to inspire awe, bewilderment, issues very specific and ever-changing sacrificial requirements always accompanied by half-cogent philosophical screed, cult still modest but growing steadily
5. Lowly thief looking to join the adventuring parties, simulates thiefly responsibilities w/carefully chosen spells, mutters incantations in "thieves' cant", charms the beefiest warrior as personal meat shield, makes off w/choicest treasures
6. Faux-lich: excellent team of makeup artists, maintains lair in prominent dungeon, plays factions off one another, fakes lengthy periods of entombment to attend to surface-world business
7. Assumes likeness of thought-lost heir w/elaborate semi-plausible explanation for disappearance, designs on throne require services of adventurers, multiple seemingly justifiable assassinations
8. As salty old sea-dog spewing continuous stream of ludicrous pirate patois, ostensible captain of trading vessel, offers adventurers passage in exchange for small favor to be followed by ruthless abandonment-at-sea
9. Idle inheritor of vast fortune: famously obsessed collector of rare antiquities, always on the look out for acquisitions specialists, offers generous finder's fee, ensorcels, imprisons successful agents for scientific experiment
10. Soaks down glitterati for all they're worth in guise of health food guru/anti-aging specialist, utterly genuine in fanatical pursuit of the latest and greatest vitality-enhancing regimens
11. Poses as hyper-competent freelance spy/assassin for regional political powers willing to spend outrageous sums to secure services, feeds them half-truths designed to create perpetual tumult
12. Enjoys frequent mind-exchange to body of dashing, refined personal valet, while valet's consciousness puts sorcerer's body through taxing work-out regimen

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

On a Successful Check for a Nonexistent Secret Door

d12
1. Notice tiny, highly insulting graffiti where wall meets floor
2. Discover concealed mouse-hole leading to network of mouse-tunnels that ultimately intersect in vault containing fabulous Lint-Palace of the Demi-Mouse
3. Barely perceptible crack in wall contains perpetual illusion of steamy gymnasium shower room scene
4. Beneath loose flagstone: wicked humanoid's secret collection of prurient engravings of evil
5. Thumb-size hole contains flying leech eggs, explosive hatching triggered by proximate body heat
6. Sliding panel reveals secret booze-stash of besotted wandering monster w/secret shame
7. Behind rock: sickening, overwrought love letter from aristocratic teenybopper to unknown vampire hottie, vial of virgin blood reeking of perfume
8. Section of wall swivels in slightly, stench pours out, must be where the local serial killer hides his victims until dried up and ready for unholy mummification ritual
9. Stuffed in a crack: wandering monster's spare set of dungeon keys
10. Find smashed, abandoned dungeon fairy hive, many wee corpses, dusted in golden pollen, adds up to weight of single coin if somehow collected but of considerable magical potency
11. Hidden camera, cutting-edge 1960's technology
12. Upon close inspection stone walls turn out to be painstakingly molded, painted polystyrene

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Expensive Hirelings

These unique experts require exorbitant sums (left to referee's fiscal policies) to retain but may be well worth it. Strict labor standards forbid them from combat but most will carry torches/treasure for a nominal additional fee.

d12
1. Pitfinder General: wizened ex-fighter in padded wheelchair w/uncanny knack for finding/falling into/somehow surviving pitfalls, solid chance of sixth-sensing other traps as well
2. Imperial underworld surveyor: expert cartographer provides accurate maps of explorations, under orders to report treasures found to Dept. of Revenue but always open to generous bribes
3. Professional volunteer: desperate gambler w/host of lethal collections agents on trail, addicted to pressing luck in questionable circumstances, stands by until needed, bargains for services on case-by-case basis
4. Monster's best friend: repulsive to humans but nigh-irresistibly charismatic to unsavory subhuman types, ogres and giants find him especially amusing
5. Muscle-fists: hands nearly size of head, dislikes carrying treasure but can't be beat for ripping doors off hinges, bending bars, lifting portcullises, etc.
6. Disembodied wizard head no longer able to cast spells but due to irreversible arcane brain damage can intuit translation of any language, comes w/headless zombie porter
7. Professional point man: full-body fungal infection protects from/absorbs/regenerates most damage, lacks any other skills, about as bright as average fungus
8. Human bloodhound: huge nostrils, able to acquire/interpret olfactory information w/astounding skill, smells a bit himself
9. Certified treasure arbitrator: parties w/in-fighting problems might wish to avail themselves of services, offers dead-on assessment, suggests optimal divisions, keeps books, embezzles near-undetectably
10. Ironguts: former imperial food taster able to discern this from that w/no ill effects, 1 in 6 chance of sudden death each day from cumulative effects of innumerable poisonings
11. Bat Ears: turned to bat by witch, reversal semi-successful, hears right through doors, around corners, emits damaging high-frequency shriek if rattled, eats bugs
12. Goldeater: burly mutant with ability to store/retrieve surprising quantities of treasure in digestive tract when discretion is prudent