OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Monday, March 31, 2014

Freelance Dungeon Missions: First Level

d12
1. Monitor, trap stirges to obtain fresh blood sample from troll in nearby chamber for sorcerer's use
2. Retrieve one particular zombie from necromancer's entourage, an ex-VIP, for possible resurrection
3. Locate, subdue dungeon rats (powder of stupefaction provided), release following installation of enchanted seeing-eye devices
4. Procure certain tome for Imperial Historical Society from excellent library of illiterate ogre partial to brandy, preposterous faux-intellectual discourse
5. Sneak in, introduce powerful psychedelic agent into dungeon well used by humanoids to loosen them up for arrival of prominent high priest w/company of acolytes on heavily-armed evangelical tour
6. Pose as warlock's new personal stylist, hangers-on from Imperial Capitol City, gain access to sanctum, make off with research notes, ruin hairdo
7. Seek, destroy weird dungeon unicorn of versatile fecundity, blamed for profusion of hybrid monsters in nearby wilderness, before it can propagate again
8. Make way to location of talking statue, pose series of carefully worded questions from sealed scroll provided by patron, collect riches in subsequently revealed secret treasury, patron just wants any rings
9. Provide stealthy reconnaissance of dungeon level, mark doors w/various colors of invisible paint to indicate contents (monster, monster & treasure, etc.), prepare way for band of more experienced delvers
10. Plant evidence of recent spate of political assassinations in doppelganger lair (as noted by prior expedition) get out before notable hero's staged discovery
11. Pacify, secure secondary entrance for use as escape route by more experienced, painfully superior group of adventurers embroiled in lucrative dungeon crawl
12. Scatter shrieker spores around complex, administer quick-grow potion, trigger shrieker chain reaction, several units of Imperial archers, infantry standing by outside dungeon entrance to annihilate evacuees

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Cats of the Underworld

d12
1. Blind naked cave tigers, waving sensillae obscure vestigial eyespots, use powerful psychic influence to induce sentient beings to do their hunting for them while they loll around in their reeking holes
2. Vampire cats: lynx-size w/bat wings, no interest in human prey, swoop in on giant rats, drain them of blood, release them as vampire-rats who in turn bedevil adventurers
3. Goldfang the Great, legendary giant smilodon who stalks Underworld killing for sport, former pet of deceased sorcerer, involuntarily responds to set of commands in correct language, extra-long sabers actually only gilded, chipped, peeling, not as awesome a treasure as rumored
4. Amphibious pool-dwelling ambush cat, frog-like skin slicked w/paralytic slime, wait submerged for passersby to gain surprise, claw, claw, bite, drown
5. Sabreclaws, rear up on mighty haunches to rake with extensible claws like bundles of short swords, males fight strangely ritualized duels to decide territorial disputes, enjoy fencing w/swordsmen
6. Felis Domesticus Giganticus: wide variety of breeds cultivated by subterranean giants, gentle and loving, liable to pick up adventurers by scruff of neck and spirit off for well-meaning-but-still-damaging rasping tongue bath
7. Angler cat: dangles bioluminescent protuberance to attract giant subterranean moths, other prey, hideous oversize mouth, sometimes become fascinated with humans and light the way for a while
8. Huge war cats, highly intelligent, rhino-like natural armor plating, self-organize in militaristic hierarchy, conduct frequent drills, consume purple worms with relish
9. Monkey-like stalactite cats swing overhead on elongated prehensile tails of terrific strength, stalking stirges, hauling piercers out of their shells
10. Cyclops-cats: huge single eye transmits powerful psychic commands, prey literally surrender, turn themselves in for processing, decorate lairs w/shiny stuff taken from victims
11. Green jaguars of the fungal forest lair in mushroom cap hollows, single tube-like tentacle in place of mouth, covered in toadstools instead of fur, regenerate like trolls, prey upon slimes, puddings, oozes, and jellies
12. Vulture cats, grotesquely elongated bodies, long snaky necks and tapered heads ever-plastered w/gore, gather in wake of adventurers' explorations, take pains to remain just beyond vision but jealously attack if you search the bodies

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Interdungeon Connectivity

For when you need The Stench-Pits Beneath Verbotenburg to be accessible from level eight of The Forbidden Laboratory Facility of Hazmax the Unstable

d12
1. Maze-like tunnels in constant state of flux burrowed by giant stone-ants cursed with perpetual gold fever by the earth gods, smell gold w/in 100', relentlessly pursue treasure laden adventurers, constantly loading random dungeon rooms w/debris in lieu of ant-hill
2. Sorcerer w/bio-mechanical mole machine and array of detection spells made trips from one juicy treasury to the next, leaving 10'round passages in wake, huge scorched zone where mech-mole finally blew up
3. Wicked iron-dwarfs tunnel up from below, install magma pipeline, extort tribute from dungeon powers-that-be with threats of molten doom, deep hub accesses several dungeons
4. Everyone knows colossal chthonic worms, compelled by the gods to forever circle the earth in subterranean orbit, often inadvertently chew connections between disparate dungeons, can't be stopped, worm-prediction sorcery, constant repairs just the cost of doing business
5. UFO materialized in evil wizard's lair on deep level instead of expected demon, used disintegration field to bore its way to freedom, but not before intersecting with nearby complex, disintegrating the Dungeon Overlord in the process, creating frantic power vacuum situation w/much backstabbery and preemptive striking among the factions
6. No one knows why the migratory laser-trolls blast their why from dungeon to dungeon, probably something to do with their complex reproductive cycle, too gross to contemplate
7. Very friendly giant sentient fish in mythic underground river willing to swallow adventurers, transport to adjacent dungeon, regurgitate, no payment required, they just love to do it
8. System of totally automatic superconductor-propelled subway cars link many known underworld sites, left over from earlier civilization, 65% of routes still in perfect working order, 35% lead to catastrophic plunge to earth's core or some such lethal end
9. Roots of mythic world tree penetrate several underground locales in their meanderings, retreat from sources of evil/eldritch unpleasantness, spiraling passages left behind
10. Looks like a 10' deep pit, false bottom opens into corkscrew chute that launches any who enter into an hours-long amusement park thrill ride terminating in neighboring dungeon's prison level, multiple saving throws required to avoid dizzy discombobulation w/severe vomiting
11. Monstrous Dungeon Overlord maintains permanent arcane gate between private chamber and well-appointed trysting place in other complex for hook-ups w/foxy gynosphynx
12. Adventurers encysted in adamant sphere, loaded into lava tube, outflow in lowest level of next-dungeon-over, evil dwarf pit crew at destination stand by to extract, collect other half of exorbitant fee


ALSO: be advised that the current coupon for Lulu gives a 20% discount to orders, like for instance The Dungeon Dozen book I'm hawking over there in the column at left. Enter WAFFLESAY20 on the Lulu checkout page to get the discount.

AND: Thank you to everyone who has ordered the book so far!

Monday, March 24, 2014

Inside the Titanic Bivalve Shell

d12
1. Miniature civilization of the intelligent lobsters, towers of carefully manipulated coral, cultivated fields of sea vegetation feed schools of domesticated fish, majestic compost heap where dead fish ferment subtly, security provided by mercenary squid w/polychromatic signal inks, vast bloated lobster queen lords over domain from spiral-shell tower
2. Subdivided into dungeonesque rooms, halls, corridors by aqua-dwarfs as depository for wealth, strong force of shock troopers on permanent watch on site, interior loaded w/deadly traps
3. Refurbished into merman dance hall complete with angler fish light show, variety of psycho-active toxins delivered via specialized stingray w/hypodermic barbs, strange sub-aqueous music provided by sea hag who plays trained puffer fish array
4. Lair of the amphibious dragon w/agoraphobia and his shipwreck collection arranged in tidy display
5. Vast swarms of harpoon-launching crab species warring w/giant scavenger sea-worms over rotting remains of titanic clam god, former occupant of shell, killed by rival deity after boasting of invulnerability, the more god-flesh they eat, the smarter they get
6. Coliseum seating installed, now active sea monster arena, operated by tribe of mermen ruled by money-hungry sea hag building expensive lair in surface wilderness area
7. Secret headquarters of wizard w/ring of kraken control, full of the monsters feeding, resting, awaiting orders, impressive houseboat in air pocket at top of shell, successful extortion racket along trade routes
8. Parliament of the Sea Demons meets here fortnightly, enacts legislation pertaining to inter-sea-faction trade, edicts enforced by extremely powerful Deep Fiend marshals, sea peoples lives in fear of surprise inspections, new and innovative taxes, impressment into armies of evil
9. Arcane bubble inside houses lair of mighty Sorcerer/Pirate Lord and crew in possession of U-boat stolen from 20th century earth
10. Heaped wreckage from entire ancient human city thought merely washed away by tsunami but actually dragged under by now-dead and decayed gigantic mollusk under orders from some forgotten god, golden treasures/other artifacts scattered about, thousands of bitter ghosts impotently dig through rubble for lost loved ones
11. Sea-god's home-away-from-home/swinging bachelor pad, usually occupied by variously hideous slacker demigods still living off the old man's largess
12. Colossal pseudopod of quite-alive occupant poised to instantly render any and all would-be invaders into hash

Saturday, March 22, 2014

THIS BLOG HAD A BABY AND IT'S A BOOK

This is the cover folks.

 NOW ON SALE! 

  • Available in hardcover and paperback editions
  • 222 pages
  • 200+ random tables (primarily from the first year or so of this blog)
  • Chock full of black and white dungeon illustrations by Chris Brandt, John Larrey, Stefan Poag and myself
  • TWO, count 'em, TWO indices for your convenience

Please proceed at once to Lulu.com by following the links below:



I will also release a PDF edition once complete.


A Note:
My hope is to use the revenue from these books as a kind of Kickstarter (I elected to avoid inflicting one of those upon you kind people) to finance the production of future Dungeon Dozen volumes and other projects. To complete this book I had to rely upon the generosity of friends, I'd love to be able to pay for layout services on the next one. 





Thursday, March 20, 2014

"We Search the Dead Ogre King's Body"

d12
1. Mostly depleted sack of elf-jerky, several keepsake braided dwarf-beards jammed in as well
2. Ruined lucky charm necklace of dessicated pixies strung on leather thong, tragically severed during battle w/adventurers
3. Pustule-control unguent in open jar, getting crusty, burns like hell, leaves skin free of unsightly blemishes, scorched, inflamed
4. Levitating cave remora attached to upper thigh, lashes out w/defensive sucker-bite if menaced
5. Jawbone of an Ass +1, fossilized: weapon of ancient mystic power, allows user to smite at thrice normal frequency in combat
6. Loin cloth of exquisite furs, marred slightly by crude stitchery, stinky
7. Coin purse crafted of tanned barbarian hide, loose change inside includes incredibly rare, ancient coin from pre-human civilization, highly sought after by collectors
8. Half-gallon of noxious hill giant repellent in sealed sheep's bladder
9. Sphere of polished lapis lazuli used as false eye, hard to get out
10. Pot of war balm, spread generously on chest, vapors enhance rage/hate
11. Fur belt pouch contains three nose ring options: one wrought of gold w/decorative tentacle array, another of silver w/devil face motif, the last a simple diamond nose-stud
12. Seven golden goblin skulls woven into towering hairdo, hopelessly entangled in gnarly ogre dreadlocks

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

"We Search the Lich's Body"

d12
1. Enchanted personal deodorizer in crystal spritz bottle, eliminates tough odors wherever applied
2. Anti-necrotic body balm in stoppered ceramic vial, maker's mark on bottom traceable to thought-trustworthy society of wizards in Imperial Capitol City
3. Hand-scrawled map w/directions to treasure cache in nearby mountaintop cave, guardians noted include bribed bat-winged dwarfs, continuous flow of oozes, slimes, puddings vomited up by intelligent giant mollusk
4.  Bag full of magically sustained living faces for disguise purposes, collection features missing regional noblesse, other celebrities, variety of inconspicuous types
5. Love letter from outer being, mortal reader's sanity imperiled by detailed, explicit descriptions of desired demi-material pleasures
6. High-collared black cape that flutters irregardless of breeze, ludicrous length, mirrors hand gestures for enhanced dramatic effect, knocks swords out of warriors' hands on a successful hit, acts as parachute at need
7. Pocket-sized portraits of variously eldritch offspring, large red X's drawn through those the lich was forced to exterminate
8. Satchel containing variety of signet rings collected from local potentates
9. Case holds syringe w/heroic dose of thought-stimulant, designed to be plunged through skull for direct application to pineal gland
10. Dragon bone bi-focal spectacles, grant microscopic/telescopic vision, generally worn forgotten on forehead
11.Fancy bento box w/self-cooling ensorcellment, loaded w/living-but-torpid tiny pixies bred for enhanced life-essence deliciousness in various sushi-like presentations, lightly pickled poisonous herbs, face-melting horseradish shavings
12. Key to safety deposit box in nearest branch of Imperial bank, contains phylactery

Monday, March 17, 2014

"We Search the Dead Emperor's Body"

d12
1. Aperture in raiment allows speedy deployment of dagger strapped to chest, automatically coated in deadly venom by enchanted sheath
2. Last will and testament, instructions for transition of power in the event of assassination, embossed in tiny print upon adamant amulet w/unbreakable chain
3. The most comfy pair of socks imaginable woven from the incredibly soft and dense chest fur of the recently missing Yeti Lama
4. Ceremonial toga w/emperor survival kit sewn into hem, includes food pellets, tiny evaporated cure-all potion flask, lip balm, matchstick-sized signal flare, fifth of bourbon in flexible tube, suicide pills 
5. Perforation-proof head-to-toe bodysuit, transparent
6. Key to secret library in palace containing filed reports of spy service agents, has the dirty on everyone of importance
7. Ring of Underling Control
8. Fake beard, moustache hidden in reversible undergarment
9. Lump under skin on ribcage: huge diamond emergency fund, surgical kit hidden in belt
10. Eyedropper filled w/distilled vital essences of 1000 children, single drop under tongue arrests aging process, heals wounds/afflictions, larger doses dangerous to lethal
11. Elaborate crown held fast by animate insect legs seemingly just part of baroque design, if forcible removal attempted central eye motif blasts out spell of instant death, 10' radius
12. Bejewelled ring w/button-triggered barb that administers dose of condensed potion of seduction

Friday, March 14, 2014

"We Search the Dead God's Body"

d12
1. Rune-inscribed satchel contains bones of god's progenitors, seethes w/mystic potency, manifold arcane uses, worth a fortune
2. Unfinished notes toward a new revelation, correlating the contents of which can lead only to madness
3. Wotan's Little Helpers: fist-sized Tablets of Virility, demi-material concoction lethal to humans at all but the tiniest dosage, subjects who survive initial shock develop range of super-powers for 1d12 days then burn out their systems, perish horribly
4. Personal log of romantic entanglements/conquests, text confirms/denies identities of numerous campaign world demigods
5. Invisible Circlet of Cosmic Awareness: melts human brains faster than you can say "Eureka!"
6. Sealed ichor specimen marked for delivery to Divine Physician
7. Huge ring set w/crystal ball, if gazed upon reveals mind-bending truths but viewer must make saving throw or become involuntarily enraptured, eschewing food and drink until unconsciousness/death sets in
8. Necklace made from teeth of the hydra, in gift-wrapped box, designated for some unspeakably hideous gorgon or other
9. Key ring of infinite keys, always seems to have the key you're looking for, requires god-like strength to lift, tethered to god's belt by the Retractable Cord Unbreakable
10. Crystal thumb drive loaded w/entirety of spells once available to dead god's clergy, several experimental new enchantments for beta testing
11. Scintillant Undergarments of Protection, woven from the golden fur of the Sky Chinchilla, insanely comfortable, filth-proof, provides bonus against attacks, if donned by mortal may never be removed
12. Divine Lice, aggressive

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Encounters in Dinosaur Country

d12
1. Highly intelligent rat-like mammals offer food, shelter in vast network of tunnels, attempt to recruit adventurers to anti-dinosaur insurgency, operatives needed for dino egg destruction missions
2. Wounded messenger pteranodon takes nutrition in river, for the moment unable to resume flight to nearest citadel, leg-bags heavily laden w/correspondence scrolls detailing findings of sorcerer on extended survey of region's flora and fauna, many strange and terrible revelations
3. Paleo-dwarf dealers in local products (saurian repellent, viable eggs, lightly enchanted obsidian projectile points, dino-leather goods, etc.) move cautiously by day, hunker down beneath spiny lean-tos by night
4. Longship crew of Vikings minus recently devoured chief and bravest thanes whose paltry remains still smoulder in distant pyre, can't shake off effects of involuntary trans-dimensional transfer, craft long-hafted polearms, scramble for other anti-dinosaur defenses using found materials but lack good ideas, cry out to Odin & Co. for salvation
5. Diplodocus-riding hill giant knights in glistening gray dino-plate mail joust to the death, winner claims only available lady in waiting, a hideous prize eight feet taller than either combatant, twice as powerful, leans on apatosaurus femur club awaiting outcome
6. Ankylosaur hit squad act in concert to hunt down and overwhelm predators (or other perceived threats such as adventurers) in prolonged pre-emptive strike to make lands safe for herbivores, leave a bloody trail of bashed and stomped out saurians in their wake
7. Famous sorcerers from all corners of the campaign world arrive and depart w/surprising frequency, seek and obtain obscure paleo-botanical spell components, occasionally stop one another for exchange of information and/or final accounting of old rivalries in lethal dual
8. Vast flocks of compsognathuses majestically surge over the plains like flightless migratory birds or schools of fish, bamboozling larger predators with hypnotic patterns of movement, fall upon huge prey animals like piranha
9. Golden skinned humanoids in black togas, space helmets occasionally rise from beneath the earth in impenetrable transparent spheres, passively observe events w/out even the slightest sympathy for the plight of anyone especially adventurers
10. Wise and noble carnosaur clan exploit and control herds of herbivores shepherd-like, show beginnings of material culture, build great mounds, erect standing stones for inscrutable religious reasons, communicate simple messages telepathically
11. Rich nobles from nearest big city get their kicks on high-budget big game hunt w/gaggle of barbarian guides and personal staff, specially crafted wheeled ballistae launch poisoned bolts, reeking colognes, cooking fires, obnoxious behavior telegraph position to all and sundry, half drunk by lunchtime, a disaster waiting to happen
12. Handful of gore-spattered steampunk types, miles from crash site of dirigible disabled by inter-planar chaos storm, pursued by predators and picked off one by one, stupefied by trauma, goggles shattered and askew, haberdashery shredded, clockwork doodads useless, leather breeches breached, trench coats truncated, plead for assistance through haze of bitter tears

Saturday, March 8, 2014

In the Abandoned Watchtower

d12
1. Amorphous demi-material entity shunted in from adjacent dimension fills entirety of tower, uses stone structure for protection as per hermit crab, demands aid for return to home telepathically but due to hopeless language barrier just projects incomprehensible nightmares/hallucinations into fragile human minds
2. Giant beehive, floors subdivided into hexagonal cells, queen occupies vault below, worker bees swarm, kill any creatures nearby, masticate and dump near tower to fertilize surrounding garden of immense, preternaturally beautiful blooms
3. Ghosts of long-dead former occupants remain vigilant, send off incorporeal riders w/reports to extinct city-state, unaware of current condition, offer lodging to travelling adventurers, pantry items past sell-by date
4. Magical seal applied ages ago in desperation during disastrous siege proved watertight, tower and dungeon beneath gradually filled w/rainwater, developed self-contained ecosystem featuring squid-like aqueous fungi of dim but measurable intellect, piranha-men locked in Darwinian struggle
5. Retrofitted into inn and hostel for creatures of evil, echoes of unsavory dance music emanate forth into the wee hours, troll bouncers, witch proprietor, bitter humanoids turned away at door plot vengeance
6. Occluded by accumulation of giant spider webs, colony surges forth in scrambling waves for nightly hunt, once-abundant prey in surrounding lands now depleted, increasing number of mysteriously depopulated villages in region
7. Nesting site for flock of undead vultures, hunker down during daylight, search for carrion by night guided by red searchlight beams from empty eye sockets
8. Extremely large giant tore off roofing, uses as personal rubbish bin, filled w/partially chewed knights, large sacks of bones, broken clubs, vast soiled/hopelessly threadbare garments, stolen goods and items too small for giant's use, smashed spitefully
9. Colossal serpent in deep torpor coils within, bloated mass occupies most of the interior, rouses from slumber if exposed to sunlight by opening doors, shutters, first act upon awakening: projectile vomits half-digested tribe of humanoids
10. Gustus Greengills and his band of Jolly Banditos moved in a while back, utilize secret tunnel entrance exclusively, allied necromancer provides permanent obscuring fog, zombie/skeleton platoon to throw off local constabulary by giving appearance of active haunting
11. Evil dwarf engineers conduct preliminary testing of new siege weapons (black powder-charged battering pistons, giant grappling hook launcher/winch apparatus for pulling down walls, etc.), feeble but active resistance provided by debased humanoids sheltering within, exceedingly rare/terrible peals of dwarf laughter resound throughout area
12. Sorcerers gather for annual conclave, await arrival of keynote speaker from alien plane, actually entity planning to consume attendees, process and extrude them as single titanic super-sorcerer capable of world-wide conquest to precede annexation from beyond

Friday, March 7, 2014

Ambush on the Road in Humanoid Country

d12
1. Headhunters w/blowguns, nerve toxin-tipped darts, special decapitating shamshirs, conceal themselves en masse under dirt in roadside ditch, desperate to meet monthly head quota or face unspeakable hardships from their merciless deity, will attempt to parlay w/powerful party for a reasonable percentage of available heads
2. Cube of magical darkness created by shaman sticks out like sore thumb during daylight hours but hides unexpected number of diminutive assailants forming humanoid pyramid
3. Cliff-jumping cannibals launch daring daytime bungee attack to secure daily supply of man-flesh, sproing back to cliff top with speared victims
4. Humanoid big game hunters lurk behind obscuring wall of foliage, waiting for prey but more than happy to provide lethal surprise for travelling adventurers, surrounding area doused liberally w/harvested megafauna stench-gland concentrate, just walking through the stuff creates possibility of attracting unwanted amorous monster attention
5. Squad of berserks dispatched to intercept band of rival humanoids but unable to suppress pent up war-enthusiasm, give away off-road position w/savage, if premature, chimp-like shrieks of aggression
6. Dapper highwaymanoids demand treasure but not overly greedy/bloodthirsty, would be satisfied by sufficiently fabulous garments, shiny trinkets they could add to their personal displays
7. Primitive trebuchet atop roadside hill launches platoon of winged humanoids armed w/lances towards potential victims at astonishing velocity
8. Talented mimic calls out for aid in aristocratic voice/dialect, leads potential rescuers towards huge concealed net on ground manned by murderous cohorts
9. Heavily armed humanoids lie around the road in convincing scene of faux-slaughter aided by buckets of fake blood, stage weapons, artificial limbs acquired from massacred travelling theatre troop
10. Human operator of large ox-driven wagon actually dead, manipulated muppet-like by scads of humanoids hiding under tarpaulin
11. Roadside shrine featuring large statue of patron god of travellers: hollowed out, riddled with murder holes, cult fanatics within only attack if passersby fail to make suitable offering
12. Wee humanoids disguised as school children lost in the wilderness, convincing until you get up close and notice their masks of real human face-leather