OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Friday, March 27, 2015

Reaction Table: High Level Cleric of Law Required to Raise Dead Associate(s)

+1 to rolls for service to deity or proxies above and beyond call of duty, sizable donation, proper obeisances paid
-1 to rolls for known blasphemies, heresies, blatant deviations from deity's behavioral guidelines, murderhobotry

d12
1. Inquiry results in partial corporeal manifestation of deity for brief, terrifying in-person, finger-wagging rebuke, assurances that any further inquiry will trigger cosmic unpleasantness
2. Cleric issues scathing indictment of PC's dubious conduct, satirical praise for agent of dead PCs destruction, assembled clergy share damn good laugh at party's expense
3. The answer is no but offers services of promising acolyte as replacement for fallen PC (actually a hyper-competent secret operative with agenda no doubt at odds with that of adventurers)
4. Currently unable to provide resurrection but will pay handsomely for opportunity to probe dead PC's innards for divination purposes
5. Sorry, too busy serving actual devotees at the moment, party advised to seek alternate reanimation from jolly necromancer around the bend
6. Deity consulted, plea rejected on technicality, try again in 1d6 weeks, body must be preserved somehow
7. Stacks of paperwork required including full financial disclosure, please allow 1d6 days for processing, body may be stored beneath temple in refrigerated morgue for exorbitant usage charge
8. Revivification approved but on hold until completion of  Pain-in-the-Ass Assignment (see subtable) in addition to standard fees
9. It's a go but due to trade embargo holy herbs and spices required for execution of miracle outrageously overpriced, itemized bill includes fees for candles, incense, ceremonial vestment cleaning, sacrificial animals
(50% chance of Pain-in-the-Ass Assignment, see subtable)
10. Oh very well, but be warned: restored life subject to instant divine revocation without warning should individual violate strict, seemingly arbitrary moral code
11. Subject revived but must swear to wear gaudy insignia of deity, proselytize faith at every opportunity, conduct affairs public and private as paragon of deity's virtues
12. All fees waived but fine print of work order reveals deity now and forever in full possession of the revivified soul, player agency permanently diminished

(Subtable) Pain-in-the-Ass Assignments from the Temple of Law
Note: Temples often farm out tasks to adventurer-types due to behavioral restrictions imposed on clergy by divinity, Temple will deny any involvement and offer no aid in the event of capture, incarceration, execution
d12
1. Retrieve holy object believed stolen by rival Temple of Law and stashed in their treasury
2. Secure support of high level official using Amulet of Involuntary Religious Conversion
3. Assassinate Evil High Priest of Secret Chaos Temple in the Unsavory District across the way
4. Serve notice for Crimes Against the Deity to regional potentate and return with monetary sacrifice
5. Introduce unknown compound into the water supply of neighboring city
6. Dispose of Cursed Object by insinuating it into the possession of rival Temple of Law
7. Provide armed escort for undercover operatives en route to Underworld Chaos Temple
8. Sabotage rival temple's unduly popular annual fete by inciting riot, delivering biting insect swarm
9. Emancipate captive from Old Imperial Dungeon and replace with mindless simulacra w/minimum of bloodshed
10. Perform heretical acts required for fulfillment of prophecy, get out of town forever
11. Collect overdue offerings from wilderness mission dedicated to "civilizing" the "barbarians"
12. Kidnap and beat to w/in inch of life particularly outspoken critic of religion, deliver warning that if satirical public comments continue, party will return to finish the job, make it look like divine retribution

Monday, March 23, 2015

Reaction Table: The Big City Shopkeeper

Note: a mild-to-moderate contempt for customers of any stripe is assumed

+1 to rolls if adventurers are known regional heroes, bothered to take a bath and put on some clean clothes upon entering big city
-1 to rolls for blood-spattered raiment, menacing aspect, dubious associates, bristling with weaponry, carrying empty sacks

d12
1. Fancy sign on door reads "No Adventurer Scum Admitted", incredibly muscular lackeys guard entrance, owner brandishes death ray amulet
2. Refuses to sell, pulls shades, bustles around looking for "gone fishing" sign, lights fuse to rooftop pyrotechnic that summons constabulary
3. Ignores adventurers until unavoidable, pretends to be out of items in plain sight, opens negotiations at three times standard prices
4. Hides cases with high quality items, demands double standard prices and if that's a problem, there's the door
5. Uses enchanted ring to charm first customer through the door, speaks only to charmed individual, issues entirely plausible reasons for price gouging, low grade merchandise
6. Supercilious proprietor activates personal imp to hover over customers, monitor their activities most intrusively, insists upon searching adventurers prior to departure
7. Fallen on hard times, prices slashed but goods noticeably mass-produced crap assembled by exploited foreign humanoid workers, the hilt on that broadsword is already coming unwrapped, battle ax head just fell off despite gentle handling, you're going to have to pay for that
8. Pours complimentary booze for patrons, tall one for self, pricing erratic
9. Begins dickering as soon as someone enters establishment and stops only upon their exit
10. UPSELL, UPSELL, UPSELL, today's special buy: questionable potions from overseas
11. Rolls out the red carpet, issues profuse, undue flattery, opens concealed door to secret sales floor featuring "the good stuff", hints at availability of rare/enchanted items, perspires visibly the whole time, can't wait for the adventurers to leave
12.  Generally polite, accommodating, but pushes recently acquired treasure map to local dungeon of certain death way out of adventurers' league, neglects to mention hive of terror-monsters within

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Knights Gone Rogue in the Underworld: What Happened?

Table One: What Happened?
d12
1. Blackballed from admittance to holy order due to excess of personality, hunts evil alone but unquenchable thirst for companionship persists
2. Exiled from the realm after framed for petty crime by sorcerer, clinically depressed but channeling suicidal ideations into one-knight war against chaos
3. Stripped of rank by usurper after refusing to participate in bloody purge, quests for mythic Death Ray of Redemption believed incorporated into statuary in Underworld chaos temple
4. Court-martialed for treason after sparing the life of defeated cephalopod wizard, death sentence commuted following pledge to throw away life battling Underworld horrors
5. Fled civilization after unbelievably attractive werewolf went public over illicit love affair, contracted incurable lycanthropy in the process, took to the Underworld to forever avoid direct moonlight
6. Brain damaged in heroic melee with hostile colossus totally out of her league, decision-making now highly erratic, pursues the fungus-wizard famous for regeneration magic
7. Adventuring companions grew weary of sanctimony: beaten, poisoned, back-stabbed, stripped of goods, thought dead, deposited in remote Underworld zone, sworn to find/punish turncoats believed on extended treasure-hunt
8. Lost mind after messing around with alien intelligence enhancing device, occasionally brilliant from out of nowhere, mostly incoherent, holy mission/delusional compulsion to locate, destroy as-yet unknown relic of evil, will attempt to eliminate any magic item found to be on the safe side
9. Betrayed by secretly evil wizard, teleported to center of earth, slowly making way back to surface while gathering strength, dubious allies, for eventual assault on wizard's HQ
10. Face burned off by dragon, now masked hero of the Underworld, known to rescue youths of evil but draws line at grown ups
11. Disgraced after drunken, murderous spree at Imperial casino, can never show face in the big city again, seeks atonement via evil-bashing
12. Hung around with crew of murderhobos too long, it rubbed off resulting in unforgivable acts, deity furious, knight sent below to atone with non-stop violence against cults of evil

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Xenolinguistics: Means of Communication



For when you wish to make chats with alien entities a huge pain in the ass.

d12
1.  Intermittent flashes from single luminous eyeball, may induce seizures in humans of meager constitution
2. Batting of eyelids in elaborate semaphore, only the fullest, lushest human eyelashes intelligible 
3. Color-streaked vomitus spewed in expressive arcs and patterns
4. Rhythmic rattling of ostentatious jewelry
5. Clatter of mandibles modified by drumming on carapace with golden ritual mallets of various sizes
6. Emits/inhales gas capable of transmitting huge amounts of chemically-encoded information, mildly poisonous to humans
7. Standard verbal but statements must be bookended with single sustained high note sung for not less than 60 excruciating seconds, questions require full performance of The Song of Inquiry
8. Grotesque facial contortions bear most of the burden, but sub-verbal grunts and moans add that extra layer of subtlety
9. Entity only comprehends three-dimensional information, requires sculpture, model making to get the gist
10.  Telepathic exchange, images only, humans incapable of filtering out stray thoughts (frequently sexual/violent/lame in nature) and may inadvertently cause grievous offence
11. Beings fire quills back and forth on fibrous tethers loaded with chemical messages, human targets sometimes able to get the drift before perishing of quill wounds
12. Exchange brief text-based messages transmitted and received by claw-held devices, tone of messages frequently misinterpreted sometimes leading to permanent enmity/lethal duels, formerly capable of speech but vocal cords now considered vestigial