OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Saturday, April 18, 2015

So Your Character is a JACKASS....

Optional rule for D&Dish RPGs: If when rolling 3d6 for the Charisma stat one rolls any three matching numbers on the dice (1-1-1, 2-2-2, etc.), the player must make a saving throw or their character is a JACKASS and must roll on the table below. Of course, a JACKASS with an exceptional Charisma score represents a monumental threat to both the adventuring party and the campaign world they share, and should only be run by a very responsible and cooperative player. A JACKASS may be of any class or alignment.

Note: Unless my math is faulty (always a strong chance), this provision will produce the chance of a JACKASS only 1 in 36 times, which, as we all know, grossly under-represents the real-world ratio of JACKASS to non-JACKASS.

d12
1. Rigid, seemingly arbitrary, occasionally bizarre personal code of conduct cited, chapter and verse, at every opportunity, especially where party's course of action may be affected
2. Goes on at great length about every ache, pain, lingering symptoms of STDs, quality and frequency of bodily functions, reportage pauses for important party business, resumes at every lull
3. Concocts delightful, gently disrespectful nicknames for everyone, persists well beyond period where this might be mildly amusing, comes up with fresh ones, even more insulting, if ordered to desist
4. Whether in the saloon, general store, magic shop, armor showroom, etc., always the first to offer to pick up the tab but, whoops, seems to have left gold pieces in other pantaloons (once again)
5. Considers self master of elocution, never passes up opportunity to lampoon less graceful speech of others, will immediately, thoughtlessly perform imitation of anyone met with unusual regional accent, foreign language, right to their face, somehow believes this endearing, finds self hilarious
7. Always belching and farting, finds self hilarious
8. Strident belief in equality, everyone equally inferior to self, subject certain no one can detect true feelings
9. Seems perfectly charming at first but before long everyone (except subject) realizes s/he doesn't give the tiniest crap about anyone else
10. All empathy reserved for personal use only, can't help laughing, taking inappropriate pleasure when others fall down, get injured in embarrassing ways, suffer humiliations, etc.
11. Gives appearance of pleasant affability until party secures sizable treasure, instantly transforms to irrational greed-hound incapable of understanding why s/he should't be entitled to choices items, lion's share
12. "Just being honest", never fails to announce newly discovered foibles of those around, tells it like it is with shocking lack of sensitivity, values own ideas highly, those of others, not so much, unless undeniably good, in which case they are swiftly, not-so-subtly appropriated

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Zealots in the Underworld

The Executioner of Nul, The Mindless One, following
hostile takeover of cult by Kwanju, an ambitious young
Underworld godling on the rise.

d12
1. Witnesses for the Mindless One demonstrate the serenity of mindlessness in their somber processions, pause to perform complimentary Rite of Lobotomization upon request
2. Flagellants of the Worm Sultan roam at random, armed w/weird ritual punitive flogging devices, deliver brutal beatings to any infidels they meet, enchanted hand-held searchlight-like device reveals religious affiliation of any in its crimson beam
3.  Devotees of the Slime Lords, caked in layers of semi-translucent goo in various stages of drying, implore strangers to bathe in levitating hot tub filled to brim w/Divine Mucus to receive subcutaneous revelations, permanently softens human skin, only continuous reapplication prevents lethal slough
4. Wandering monks of the Beggar God, looking well-fed, clothed, healthier than one might imagine, demand alms, extremely persistent until offered something of value, no matter how modest, which they deliver ASAP to deity's legendary Sacred Hoard
5. Listless acolytes of the Goddess of Malaise may only take action on single day each week, rest of the time they wallow in lethargic condition of holy indolence
6. Levitating monks of Oblivion on tour of sacred holes, pits, chasms, abysses, emit deafening Mantra of Spontaneous Meditation if opposed, induces involuntary state of total relaxation, possible dangerous self-reflection
7. Worshipers of the Feral God eschew technological progress, set out on monkeywrenching campaigns, destroy all but the simplest tools, machines, destabilize bridges, undermine structures, kill dwarfs on sight
8. Forlorn cultists of the Extinct Beetle Pantheon on gloomy ghost-led tour of ancient ruined sites, obsessed with nostalgia for a time they never knew
9. Celebrants of the Rites of Mayhem run amok, venerate chaos deity w/random acts of senselessness, violence, vandalism, set to receive eternal reward if killed while promulgating confusion, terror
10. Tedious positivity spews forth ceaselessly from adherents of the Church of Gleeful Hopelessness, clerics laugh off reality of incomprehensible universe w/variety of delight-inducing enchantments, made available for purchase as part of ministry
11. Robber God's greed-enhanced thief-priests may not accept donations, instead case establishments for future B&E, plan & execute daring, complex heists, steal and hold for ransom towering jewel-encrusted statuary dedicated to rival deities
12. Idiotic humanoids bamboozled by lich in convincing god-drag believe their master best served by killing things and taking stuff, rival clan of idiotic humanoids declared heretics for failure to correctly interpret lich's mad screeds stand by to ambush, loot, and destroy original group

Monday, April 6, 2015

Reaction Table: Underworld Godling


+1 to rolls for acts known to undermine the surface world status quo, well-crafted flattery, bowing, scraping, grovelling, sacrificing blood and/or treasure
-1 to rolls for acts known to support Law and Order, murderhobo activity with negative effect on godling's bottom line, ill-conceived introductory banter, slaying of valued worshipers 

d12
1. How dare you approach my Eminence!? I will effect your utter destruction this instant!
2. Adventurers again? I grant you a moment to fall upon your swords before I devour you all body and soul.
3. Priests, awaken and notify the Famished One for tonight we dine! Anoint this rabble in oils and lavish them with spices.
4. Behold, your minds surrender instantly to my irresistible will. Slay one another for my amusement.
5. Perhaps you'd just like to yield up your golden treasures and get the hell out of here. Oh, wait, leave your hirelings as well, they look just barely fit for consumption.
6. You may worship me but briefly, then remove yourselves from my sight forever. After you deposit your golden treasures in the proper sacrificial receptacle.
7. Report at once to the priesthood for indoctrination, worthy supplicants.
8. Welcome to my domain, wanderers. Rest and recover your strength in my holy radiance. But first you must eat of my flesh. 
9. Your wounds shall be healed! Now begone, fools, resume your wanton spree for my ongoing gratification.
10. Prepare yourself, charming mammals, for an involuntary download of cosmic insight you will find enlightening. . .if your tiny minds are not rent asunder!
11. Revolting mortals, I grant you a single boon, but if I ever smell your filthy little souls again you will crawl before me like worms.
12. You shall be my champions! Stand by for Mass Geas!

Friday, April 3, 2015

Jolly Terrors in the Underworld

d12
1. Titanic evil worm, wicked hearts beating visibly beneath skin w/unprecedented elation, just deposited clutch of eggs beneath Imperial Capitol City, life cycle complete, looks forward to brief, comfortable retirement, sweet oblivion
2. Giant amoeboid in state as close to ecstasy as it can achieve, positively stuffed with entire clan of puny humanoids, partially digested, tiny armaments, loincloths, coins excreted continuously, couldn't possibly pass another thing through semi-permeable cell wall
3. Lich with uncharacteristic spring in otherwise rickety step, whistles merry tune from previous age, en route w/hideous undead entourage to collect winnings after winning bet with dragon
4. Several huge, stupid humanoids stagger, howl with euphoric laughter, pass around sack filled w/psychoactive mushrooms, could at any moment enter cascading psychotic frenzy (which they also enjoy)
5. Evil cave cetacean revels in handy victory in public debate against the Lord of the Cavern Clams in front of Underworld VIPs including long-shot love interest, consultant job offers should be rolling in, considering options, risk averse
6. Gleeful floating eyeball zips to and fro, finally cured of chaos-rot by The Colossal Surgeon, able to once again to enjoy simple pleasures of pain-free levitation
7. Nothing can spoil the mood of the wingless dragon, bloated and slithering at sub-normal speed, has swallowed entirety of rival dragon's golden hoard for transportation back to lair
8. Towering Frankenstein, poorly assembled from cave giant parts, laughs and frolics, final revenge upon creator a complete success, pulverized body dangles like a rag doll from enormous fist
9. Intelligent dinosaur chokes back tears of joy, moved deeply by discovery of time rift leading to Age of Reptiles, temporarily sets aside customary hostility toward all mammals while concocting plan
10. Gigantic ambulatory brain pulsates w/weird delight, just acquired particularly juicy tidbit of cosmic insight from ingested Yeti lama, consuming a human brain after such rare pleasure could only disappoint
11. Massive ape in golden, gem-encrusted war harness, smeared in gore, brains, swollen w/pride, heads back to quarters in company of equally pleased trainers, handlers, after incredible victory in arena, lust for battle completely sated for first time in short, brutal existence
12. Mummified monarch of extinct beetle civilization, pleased as punch w/accidental revivification by sorcerer now in belly, announces resumption of global empire at top of regal voice, issues orders to passersby as they occur to her, temporarily magnanimous toward inferior beings

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Quests by Imperial Command, Unreasonable

Yours is not to reason why.

d12
1. Retrieve the heads of three wicked monarchs after first winning their favor
2. Deliver food, mail, to the Chained Demon Indestructible incarcerated somewhere at the bottom of thought-pacified local dungeon as per unholy pact made by foolish ancestors
3. Reverse climate change on shoestring budget by kidnapping high level wizards necessary as physical components for curative incantation, gas bombs provided
4. Establish relations w/planet-size outer being, present huge golden idol, void-proof viking longship to be launched to distant Gray Galaxy via enchanted trebuchet
5. Carefully collect all huge, strangely attractive eggs of unknown origin that materialized overnight in every grain field, orchard, garden in and around Imperial Capitol City, defeat any who attempt to keep one for themselves
6. Return giant book to proper shelf in trans-cosmic library via handheld dimensional portal device, avoid all contact with The Librarian, in fact, don't even look at it
7. March beyond the edge of the campaign map, report back with findings, captives, samples of goods/resources, prospects for colonization, alternately, determine precise nature of the World's End
8. There is only one way to save the far-flung Allied Islands in this time of imminent calamity: the mega-megalodon must be tamed/used as troop transport
9. Disguise selves as demons, plant bomb at base of recently discovered Stairway to Hell, must pass through the Demi-Hell Casino half way down
10. Proceed through ocean-bottom whirlpool, return with news from the other side of the world
11. Plug the troublesome hole in reality with heap of gold from specific ancient hoard melted into cork-shape, dragon fire required
12. Sorcerer-cabal announces sudden cosmological breakthrough, reveals structural weakness in planar schema: travel to Hell's ninth level, use relic to detach cosmic moorings, set adrift in void away from more popular planes of existence