OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Friday, September 4, 2015

Other Hobbies of the Dungeon Overlord

d12
1. Obsession w/personal hygiene spawns intense interest in design, installation of running water, advanced plumbing, drinking fountains, already magnificent, continuously improved lavatory facilities available throughout complex
2. Tinkers w/time-keeping mechanisms, environs decorated w/baroque, hideous glockenspiel clocks, hourglasses, incredible watch collection in secret treasure room, dungeon dressing includes ubiquitous tick-tocks, startling cuckoos
3. Cultivates enormous ant farm for research, exploitation, touching select dungeon walls renders them transparent for ant observation, harvests ant bi-products from egg chamber for processing into vitality tablets, lumbering hulk charged to insert deceased minions/adventurers via chute w/attached wood-chipper
4. Enthusiastic about clothing design, focus on cutting edge high-collared capes, chic damage-proof fabrics, dressing dummies everywhere, frequent visits by purveyors, taste-makers from the Big City
5. Solvent-reeking studio space filled w/huge naturalistic paintings of evil perversity, a fortune in the finest art supplies, enchanted paintbrushes enhance creative process/induce involuntary automatic painting episode lasting 2d12 hours if grasped, captive models housed in menagerie until called upon for often-lethal duties
6. Driven by eldritch dietary theory, cultivates underground garden employing novel thanatosynthesis principle, all manner of weird purple veggies, rigid adherence to experimental diet yields certain weight loss, explosive gastrointestinal distress
7. Developing child-rearing techniques to ensure evil outcomes, tykes suitable for eventual world-domination, relies heavily on impressive baited maze, hideous au pair species created to oversee tests, maintain kidnapped subjects, beneficiaries of unsavory Stockholm Syndrome
8. Master of supernatural forgery: sends fake letters and disinformation to regional potentates to sow entertaining mayhem, issues disturbing missives to adventurers ostensibly from spouses, children, parents, etc. delivered via dungeon-spanning mail service
9. Amateur dramatist stages productions in lavish theater area, secretly plagiarizes brilliant antediluvian bard after discovering oeurve beneath tomb, actors' guild refuses to furnish additional players following several tragic incidents, open auditions ongoing
10. Produces highly ambitious, totally obscene designs for mosaics then painstakingly implemented on walls, floors, ceilings, by industrious, jovial, talkative slave-creatures
11.  Numerous self-luminous cases around dungeon display fully painted miniatures collection, loaded with anti-theft enchantments, hobby room filled by enormous games table with miniatures war game already in progress against extremely patient vampire opponent
12. Occasional cacophonies resound throughout dungeon, traceable to reeking jam room loaded with drums, lutes and things, wind-instruments, bong collection

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Monumental Sculpture in the Underworld


Dressing for Underworld chambers of above-average vastness.

d12
1. Fertility temple of the Extinct Beetle civilization, tremendous iron ovipositor descends from ceiling, huge chromed eggs arranged in maze on sunken floor, seemingly obvious path as viewed from elevated entrance leads to death trap, obfuscated by optical illusion
2. Gigantic 3D sculpture of unknown rune-shape, encrusted w/gleaming semi-precious gemstones, laborious crowbarring required to harvest, if vandalized bitter semi-human ghost of designer materializes, expresses outrage at top of phantasmal lungs
3. Towering bas relief of three-headed dragon stands in human-like pose of utter superiority, heads aimed at spot just before chamber exit between legs but fired off its last blast of lightning ages ago, clever cave giant hides keys in different mouth each day
4. Marble-hewn memorial depicts squad of non-human warriors, noble aspect despite really weird noses, googly eyes, marching towards unknown doom, clutch corroded steel weapons in stone hands, glow dimly if restored, enchanted to destroy monsters now extinct
5. Pack of stone humanoids led on chains by poorly wrought eyeball-and-tentacle outer being like one of those professional dog-walkers 
6. Walk-in replica of pre-human skull with museum displays inside explaining functions, inherent weaknesses of spongy model brain in an unknown language
7. Vast upthrust inhuman fist of polished marble clutching countless tiny humans, surrounded by heaps of tiny humans in various states of brokenness, a real bummer 
8. Huge miniature keep on one side of cavern, shining model citadel on the other, expeditionary force of 6" statues of monster soldiery halfway across chamber
9. 30' tall lightning bug sculpture illuminates cavern with liquid chemicals in abdominal tank, translucent crystal belly may be breached, huge pain in the ass, readily-weaponized fluid sears flesh upon contact 
10. Giant-sized bronze sculpture of caveman in Yuri Gagarin-style spacesuit donning helmet, exudes Classical nobility, an admirable, incredibly ancient, work 
11. Cyclopean, hyper-realistic representation of terrifying, super-badass demons bowing down in unmistakable supplication on either side of gaping passage
12. Titanic three-toed boot stamping on stylized human face (forever)