Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Why Are There Evil Humanoids?

1. Humans trend toward the pretty damn evil, just not quite evil enough, gods went back to drawing board
2. They came from the future: universe started off pure order and good, slowly but steadily skews towards evil chaos until its terrible, incomprehensible end, evil humanoids time-launched refugees thereof
3. Victims of subterranean radioactive stone, emanations destroy good at metaphysical level
4. Brought into being to act as anti-humans by unpopular deities whose creative input was not requested for original creation scheme, throwing monkey wrench into otherwise charming plan for universe
5. Pawns in depopulation program by wicked aliens: secretly abduct humans in shocking numbers, plant seed of evil in brains, triggers permanent transmutations into various humanoid types, released into the wild as free agents of mayhem
6. Evil humanoids actually ambulatory fungi doing their best imitation of humans (note: all fungi inherently evil), a ruse to be dropped the instant the stars are right
7. Forces of Natural Selection in campaign world strongly favor evil, its a wonder any living beings possess even a scrap of decency
8. First came Primal Chaos, the substance from which all order and good accidentally developed, there is no reason for anything and its silly of you to ask
9. Seed of evil humanoids deposited when comet collides w/campaign world: weird hyper-adaptable space beings chose human-like form as optimum for requisite conquest of planet
10. Personified wickedness released from the Plane of Petulant Vanity by mythic prince: crafted the First Mirror in the Earliest Days, smashed it when reflection failed to live up to hype opening floodgates
11. Hilarious prank of otherwise transcendent cosmic entities unable to shake primitive appreciation of physical comedy, humankind perpetually, pitilessly punked for cheap laughs
12.  Philosophers hoist white flag: quandary of evil humanoid origins declared "unfathomable"

Friday, July 18, 2014

The Dragon's Current Situation

1. Duped by being of even greater evil into series of aerial attacks on military outposts of Law, many untreated arrow wounds, 1d12 enchanted missiles still embedded in crusty hide
2. Bad case of draconic distemper characterized by vomiting, fever, occasional seizures, under care of demonic veterinarian now practicing on premises, sees various other blighted horrors during downtime
3. Driven to distraction by lust for particularly juicy bauble located in proximate dungeon complex, unattainable by dragon due to notable, ever-expanding girth, narrow corridors
4. Depleted of joie de vivre, sleeps more than ever, off chow, no longer enthusiastic about lethal mayhem, accumulation of wealth, treasure heaps disheveled, covered in dust/cobwebs, tablets ordered from alchemist untouched in bottle
5. Obsessed w/outer spheres after close encounter w/UFO, pours vast amounts of treasure into personal space program, retains cadre of science-sorcerers headquartered in lush laboratories near lair
6. Deranged, delusional following head wound delivered by paladin whose mummified corpse the dragon drags around everywhere it goes, engages self in penetrating Socratic dialogues to plumb innermost mysteries careful observation of which could crack the code on hitherto incomprehensible dragon psychology
7. Groggy, cranky, increasingly irrational, overdue for 1d12 year slumber but keeps getting interrupted
8. Flush w/cash after fortuitous encounter w/treasure-laden caravan, gleeful, giddy, ebullient peals of laughter audible from significant distance, in its glory, one will never encounter a dragon more magnanimous
9. Exits lair nightly to continue construction of titanic bird's nest-type structure on nearby mountain peak
10. Putting on airs after decades of savagery, tutors hired, wine collection off to grand start, ostentatious jewel-encrusted headdress commissioned
11. In hock to evil Underworld priest who performed life-saving healing after dragon's encounter w/bad-ass gang of wizards, wings damaged irreparably, amputated, ranges farther and farther from lair on desperate treasure-gathering raids to keep hell-hounds off trail
12. Preoccupied by newly acquired talent for astral projection, rumored to enter stupor for days at a time, mind expanded by visits to new and unusual planes of existence, but not so much that it doesn't note and lust after shiny/enchanted items from each

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Tonight's Special Event in the Underworld Humanoid Lair

1. Funerary ritual in honor of dungeon VIP recently devoured by colossal horror still at large, ubiquitous wailing, gnashing of teeth, somber reenactments of VIP's famous deeds including actual carnage, attendance mandatory as is heavy drinking
2. Spectacular puppet show of the utmost depravity performed by travelling sorcerer and talented shoggoth familiar on annual visit, crowds form early in underused theater chamber to imbibe pre-show potables
3. The Scourging of the Young: rite of passage for fledgling warriors, beaten to w/in inch of life by grizzled veterans while the rest of the clan gets blind drunk
4. Semi-annual military drilling including elaborate war games with nearby tribe of alternate humanoids, there are always fatalities, drinking occurs after closing ceremonies
5. Psychedelic bacchanal in honor of God of Confusion, elite guard remain lucid, distribute psychotopic fungi, everyone else gibbers, paws the air to shoo away hallucinations, cackles hideously, or, worst of all, contributes to berserk cacophony of rhythm instruments
6. Holiday to celebrate God of Illusion, costumes fashioned for months in advance, wizard outfits popular this year, social order temporarily suspended for giant LARP, moderate intoxication encouraged to get everyone loosened up
7. Feast to mock the gods of the surface-men: shoddy effigies of popular deities erected, defiled, cursed, and smashed, coincides w/readiness of seasonal brew
8. High-level negotiations w/representatives of group of bigger, more dangerous humanoids, despite herculean efforts/binge drinking only 20% chance of reaching accord, otherwise inter-dungeon war imminent
9. The Passage of the Elderly: first there's drinking, then all humanoids entering dotage (a slim percentage of the population indeed) give final impassioned speeches before leaping into the flaming maw of the Famished God
10. Coronation of new leadership following bloody coup d'etat, as part of celebration former chief's fine booze supply distributed democratically
11. Bigwigs of Evil inspect lair/assess military capabilities of tribe, humanoid leaders terrified, consumption of liquor forbidden until conclusion of audit
12. Trouble w/booze shipment, all events cancelled, palpable tension at all levels of humanoid social ladder

Monday, July 14, 2014

Some Dragons Keep Pets

1. Flock of cockatrices, dragon immune to petrifaction due to repeat exposure/successful saving throws, uses eggs as daily dietary supplement
2. Underworld scholar embroiled in research on nature of draconic mind, housed in luxurious/book-strewn cage by negotiated arrangement, dragon's vanity tickled by extensive psychological testing, scholar keeps disturbing hypotheses to self
3. Gruuk the Inedible, towering, mighty, mentally negligible woolly Neanderthal raised by dragon from babe after roasting clan, finding woolly flesh unpalatable, pair now shares deep bond, often sleeps curled up w/dragon as per teddy bear but will not hesitate to render intruders into hash
4. Thrill-seeking youth of high caste, infiltrated dragon's lair w/awesome array of enchanted arms/armor, captured and spared by whim, tethered to wall by 30' chain, eats/drinks from filth-encrusted bowls, must relieve self in litter box-like arrangement, occasionally beaten w/rubber hose by servitor-ogres, wretched, suicidal
5. Colossal potted fungus w/charming personality conveyed by numerous fungoid mockeries of the human face speaking in unison, potent spell-casting ability, immobile but nearly impossible to destroy permanently
6. Symbiotic relationship w/ ambulatory giant cave remora taken to next level by long mutually beneficial association
7. Huge ape w/monocle obsessed with stacking coins, arranging other treasures into pleasing museum-like presentations, tallying wealth on great stone and steel abacus, enters berserk murder-frenzy if order disturbed
8. Fourth generation of captive human clan in giant hamster habitat, tubes run all over dragon's lair, fed pellets by automatic dispenser, drink from suspended water bottle, fascinating culture developing around ritual exercise wheel activities, dragon worship
9. Famous warrior, too much of a bad-ass to die after taking claw-through-brain, depends on dragon for care and feeding, areas of brain related to combat still function perfectly
10. Pteranodon w/parrot-like mimic ability, in fancy cage suspended from ceiling, despises dragon but has been faking it for years, biding time until opportunity to fulfill bloodthirsty revenge ambitions arises
11. Giant hermit crabs primp and preen dragon, keep scales tidy, maintain their own small hoard of shiny treasures which the dragon finds endlessly charming
12. Liquid wizard in a bottle displayed on ornate pedestal as object of amusement/playful derision, fully conscious and capable of communicating passionate hatred of dragon, information regarding the dragon's secret weakness

Saturday, July 12, 2014

When the Cleric Cries Out for Divine Intervention

1. Huge fist materializes from the dungeon wall/out of the clouds above/something nearby, gesticulates inscrutably for a moment before presenting emphatic thumbs down
2. Vast swarm of beetles shows up from out of nowhere, spells out "REQUEST DENIED"
3. Chorus of supernaturals audible only to cleric belt out semi-distracting song of affirmation/encouragement, but that's it
4. Deity manifests only to cleric, reads riot act, goes on about pulling self up by bootstraps, cleric prevented from taking action for duration of humiliating dressing down
5. Sudden cacophony of transcosmic laughter from all the other gods
6. Disembodied voice apologizes for inconvenience, invites cleric to file formal petition at nearest temple
7. Independent divine observer forbidden from interfering arrives to record/evaluate cleric's part in whatever calamitous event is occurring
8. White dove appears, alights on cleric's shoulder, whispers "this is your test", departs
9. Vultures/flies/dungeon scavengers arrive in disturbing numbers to await outcome of current circumstance
10. Form letter (Dear insert cleric name here, ) falls from above, explains at length metaphysical necessity of denial
11. Cleric receives vision of luxurious afterlife accommodations secured by previous deeds, alternately, preview of personal hell being prepared for permanent occupation
12. For one incredible moment, cleric takes on likeness/attributes of patron, super-charged w/strength/wits/competence/speed/whatever quality might turn the situation around

+1 for history of absolute piety, obedience to even the most seemingly insignificant tenets of faith, superlative execution pursuant to divine will in the face of insurmountable obstacles, etc.
-1 for any murderhobo-like behavior at odds w/teachings of patron, taking deity's name in vain, failure to remit tithes in timely fashion etc. etc. etc.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Also Hanging Around the Vampire Lord's Underworld Estate

1. Lich-led R&D team of evil sorcerers works around the clock on vampire-positive innovations, sun-blocks, holy symbol-proof glasses, in-crypt remote monitoring devices, garlic detectors
2. Incomprehensible trans-dimensional entity in charge of long-distance mind control/observation, violates civil liberties of those on VL's enemies list
3. Re-animated master chef, crack zombie kitchen crew prepare novel iron-rich comestibles designed for maximum shock and awe
4. Secret aquarium level houses highly intelligent sperm whale vampire and her pod of enthralled husband-drones
5. The world's most entertaining aristocrat-raconteur, still alive due to ever-fascinating repartee, hopelessly addicted to tincture of victim-adrenalin and grain alcohol
6. Flock of demonic blackbirds and their giant-size royal family provide air reconnaissance in exchange for protected nesting sites, the odd soul here and there
7. Genius bacteria in filthy glass jar, bill selves as eldest living things, advise and enlighten via telepathy
8. Envoys of the intelligent cephalopod empire petition VL to allow extradition of vampire sperm whale (4, above)
9. Young Titan prince rendered ineffectual by chronic bitter malaise, currently under VL's cruel experimental psychiatric care
10. Stone-men from adjacent reality enjoy respite from perpetual warfare, seek vampiric mercenary services against fleshy anthropoid enemies
11. Throngs of sub-vampire sycophants suck up VL's largesse, reassuring their host's surprisingly delicate ego as needed, amuse selves in downtime with appalling amateur Grand Guignol theater productions in dedicated performance wing
12. VL's numerous half-mortal offspring scamper about in seemingly eternal pre-adolescence of unchecked depravity and malice

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Currently at War in the Underworld

Combatants (roll twice or thrice or as needed, duplicate results indicate bitter internal struggle)
1. Vampire-lord's bat-riding ape brigade
2. Cult of the Famished God (perpetual warfare required to appease deity's insatiable/unholy appetites)
3. Blind antler-men berserkers, heads adorned w/multi-pronged sensory arrays
4. Surface empire's elite Underworld Rangers
5. Half-stupefied servitors of the Great Levitating Sentient Dodecahedron
6. The lich's undead centipede hoplites, utilize ingenious cavern-modified phalanx tactics
7. Self-immolating suicide troopers of the Lava God
8. Evil sorcerer's mind-controlled legions of fungoid men
9. Warrior-thralls of the towering sentient statue
10. Underworld Trade Guild's private insect army
11. Motley slave army of the Under-pirate Queen
12. No one is better at focusing crazed religious fanaticism into organized fighting forces than Underworld dwarfs

Why They Fight
1. To keep free exchange of gold for slaves unfettered by proposed regulatory treaty
2. Territorial dispute over site of recently discovered explosive mineral deposit
3. For control of singular Spring of Vitality
4. Over occupation of universally cherished, extremely luxurious steam-vent baths of the ancients
5. Simultaneous claim on grazing mines of the gold-vomiters
6. Trade route tolls getting outrageous
7. New deity on the scene, preemptive strike ordered by established Underworld faiths
8. Bank vault of the Extinct Ones revealed after suspect seismic event
9. Slight-stung aristocrat's petty revenge-attack
10. The lesser evil's valiant struggle against the greater evil
11. Mutual indulgence of natural genocidal urges
12. FFRRREEEEEEDOMMM!!! (both sides)

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

What's Up with the Bottomless Pit?

1. Hell's exhaust vent, spews forth occasional gouts of variously offensive, potentially lethal smoke, vapors, gases, really does lead (eventually) to Hell
2. Course of trans-dimensional amusement park-style ride, while falling forever 1% chance of encountering pod full of delighted screaming children of eldritch beings zooming by at astonishing speed
3. Dry bed of extinct interplanetary energy river, former trade route from time before the Sundering of Worlds
4. Soon it will serve its original purpose of excreting incomprehensibly alien life forms into the world, but don't worry, it's all part of the gods' plan
5. Inter-planar "doggie door" left open to allow monstrous alien pets to stretch their ambulatory organs, romp around campaign world
6. Underworld agency uses living things caught in series of sieves as raw materials for deity under construction
7. Massive outer entity died, collapsed into singularity, sank to world's core, hyper-intense gravity increases continuously the further one goes, effects of which endlessly fascinate evil sorcerers everywhere, multiple research projects underway at any given time
8. Left over after reckless detonation of experimental homemade wormhole bomb
9. Actual source of atmosphere on campaign world, stolen from gas giant by works of forgotten Agent of Creation
10. One of innumerable fuel intakes powering spaceship engine in adjacent dimension
11. Gateway to alternate Utopian campaign world of excruciating tedium and an almost complete lack of adventure
12. Esophagus of the Famished God, brain-damaged cultists charged with making sure tasty things get tossed down there 24/7

Friday, July 4, 2014

More Weird Cargo

1. Bathtub-size ceramic bowl w/glass lid obscured by condensation, swamp environment maintained by magic, giant mosquito larvae wriggling hideously within
2. Quasi-lich in coma shipping self to new dungeon lair, travel-sarcophagus protected by lethal glyphs/sigils, tampering triggers magic mouth w/obscenity-laden threats, evil laughter
3. Single giant egg in huge crate, packed for shipping w/luxurious fur-covered pillows
4. Small collection of prototype wizard's robes woven from Kevlar-like fur of armored Pleistocene mammal hidden inside chest of outlandish frocks
5. Cans of gray powder, press for making fist-sized pills, medication to save royal family of evil mountain giants from witch-plague depopulation event
6. Hundreds of aggressive black saplings from Forest of Evil in pots, sacks of enchanted quick-grow fertilizer, smells like Satan's outhouse
7. Alarming number of disassembled siege engines in unmarked crates, designed for use by diminutive soldiery w/tiny hands
8. Locked and chained chests marked by dwarf-runes, order of 250 shock-collars of enslavement
9. Taxidermy of unknown human warriors in ferocious attack poses, each w/real weapons and armor
10. Illegal kraken ink products in several varieties, various bottles, casks: processed for magical inscription, monster repellent, performance-enhancing war drug, intoxicating beverage, cure-all
11. One thousand pounds of salty megalodon-jerky, subterranean dwarfs pay huge money for this stuff
12. Five identical simulacra of regional potentate, heavily sedated

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Why They Abandoned that Derelict Vessel

1. Ship encompassed by supernatural doldrums-zone, absolutely still waters, even oars don't work
2. Crew and passengers abducted by alien intelligence from the deep for temporary scrutiny, application of mind-control, ship anchored, guarded by hard ass sperm whale mercenary w/eye patch, power of speech
3. Entire crew murdered by disgruntled cook w/subtle poisoning skills, cook went mad, starved to death in the crow's nest, ghost abides below, preparing chow
4. Giant centipede eggs en route to overseas gourmand hatch unexpectedly, carry lethal dungeon plague pathogens
5. Pirate crew acquired ornate chest from foreign trader, gleaming amulet of greed among the treasures, currently around neck of dessicated corpse embracing pile of loot, crew reanimates nightly to reenact murder-spree
6. Entirety of crew ascended to heaven after discovery of holy relic on unknown continent, relic gone but ship's log indicates location of treasure-strewn promised land
7. Captivated by antics of fun-loving sea monkeys, crew jumped in the water to join the fun, were immediately eaten by colossal, telepathic coelacanth in symbiotic partnership w/monkeys
8. Crew transformed into sea serpents, recognizable only by their signature sailor hats, by malevolent roving cloud of unbound sorcery
9. All aboard fused into single giant merman by capricious sea god, commanded to disrupt shipping to/from Imperial Port City
10. Taken aboard Atlantean submarine, beaten, hog-tied, fed to sharks, mean letter nailed to mast w/extensive list of consequences for screwing around in Atlantean sphere of influence
11. Malicious spirit materialized on deck w/chessboard, challenged captain, after fortnight-long contest spirit resigned, went berserk, killed everybody
12. Lungfish-men swarmed the decks, soon awash w/blood, now enjoying a bit of cosplay as jolly pirate crew

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Dropping the Discount Bomb

Illustration from the book by Chris Brandt that I kind of want on a t-shirt or on the side of a van.

The Dungeon Dozen book, both hardcover and paperback versions, is now discounted 20% off of its original price. You can save an additional 20% by using the current Lulu coupon code: JFS20
The Lulu offer ends June 30th at 11:59 PM.
Click on the book cover in the upper left corner of this page.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

It's in the Wizard's Pipe


1. Dried fronds of the Primordial Fern, allows wizard to comprehend languages/philosophies of reptiles, amphibians, trilobites, eyes take on creepy reptilian appearance during use
2. Swamp-leaf of the Enshrouding Stench: creates powerful odor that automatically repels most non-intelligent creatures, irritates fellow party members, terminates unwanted romantic entanglements
3. Eggshell of Chimaera: smoke morphs into visual representation of user's thoughts, punishing headache follows
4. Ground bones of Ancestor Wizards: enhances enthusiasm for slaving over mystic tomes, good for pulling all-nighters at need, allows wizard to re-learn forgotten spells w/out rest, but must crash for full 24 hours after single use or drop dead
5. Pine needles of the Cleansing Vapor: brings fresh aroma to otherwise intolerably stinky places, mitigates effects of poisonous gases
6. Weed of Truth: when blown in the face, smoke compels subject to speak only truth but smoker can speak only lies for 1d12 hours
7. Bark of the World Tree: places user in temporary harmony w/nature, enhances awareness of environmental impact of dark sorcery, carbon footprint
8. Potpourri of Coercion: creates pleasant-smelling 10'-diameter cloud of charm (as spell), wizard must take lengthy nap after use
9. Grey-skull green: exhaled upon warrior-types to excite combat-lust, gets them hollering obnoxious jingoistic battle-cries/slogans, smacking each other on sweaty backs, ready to roll
10. Brixbool's volcanic blend: rich, complex flavor, sharp exhale propels impressive/damaging cascade of red-hot embers up to 10'
11. Dried ears of bat: creates smoke of silence, short-lived magical effect useful for blowing on the shoes of thieves, flapping gums of big-mouths etc.
12. Signal fungus: smoking encodes thoughts of user into form of magical azure cloud, travels up to 1 mile to designated recipient, message transmitted if inhaled, can be intercepted

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

More Weird Plants in the Underworld Garden

Note: Plants listed below possess erebosynthetic metabolisms, converting darkness to energy by an unknown and probably unholy process
1. Giant black vines, bean-like pods contain up to six vegetal brains encased in human-like skulls, lash out in self-defense with waves of mind-nullifying telepathy
2. Lurid phosphorescent glue-pot lilies produce a daily dollop of adhesive nectar, creates permanent molecular bond
3. Purple cabbages w/glowing green veins conceal 1d12 torpid cavern pixies, awakened in all of their eldritch malice by the presence of human greed
4. Hell's geraniums collect, produce condensed darkness, the nectar of uttermost night, weaponized into ebon powder by the subtlest subterranean humanoids
5. Giant underdaisies remain closed until swollen by particularly tasty blood sacrifice then bloom explosively releasing hundreds of vampire bats
6. Leafless cave trees produce no fruit but add a certain hideous ambiance with their twisting root-like limbs crisscrossing from floor to ceiling, providing habitat for giant song-birds
7. Sonic succulents cling to all surfaces, issue thunderous defense akin to deranged John Entwhistle bass solo, temporarily deafens humans who approach, cave behemoths dance
8. Thirsty vines maintain the deep red coloration of their majestic levitating bulb by snaking stealthily into wine-skins of passersby, draining them w/astonishing speed, occasionally downing the odd potion as well
9. Cave cows: ambulatory feeding pods attach to central stalk by tether-like tendrils, selectively graze upon less desirable underweeds, trolls milk them to make their terrible cheeses
10. Spectacular iridescent flowers exude powerful fragrance, attractive at a distance, lethal to humans at close range, produces euphoric stupor in giants, dragons, sometimes found in blissful repose nearby
11. Colossal pumpkin-like gourds with thick fibrous shells harvested by humanoids for conversion to domiciles portable via giant lizard-driven sledges
12. 1d12 dwarfs in various stages of development dangle fruit-like from the Dwarfmother Bush, adults maintain a pile of axes and hammers nearby, snapped up instantly by their freshly dropped siblings

Monday, May 26, 2014

The Half-Crazed Sailor's Report: The Mermen

1. Latest internecine struggles winding down, merman populations depleted, intruding telepathic cephalopods on verge of take-over, will pit mermen against terrestrial cousins once again among other less intelligible schemes
2. They spend all their time worshiping/proselytizing for their serene-yet-still-disturbing fish god, otherwise languish helplessly enlightened
3. Busy undermining Chief Port of the Imperium's foundations via secret sea-caves
4. Preparing virulent strain of land virus in undersea laboratory facility, scads of abducted humans used as test subjects
5. Year-long religious observance puts them off their game and ripe for conquest while they float meditating in lotus position, the time to strike is now!
6. Economic system rigged to favor top one-percent for decades, inevitable revolt finally in progress, armies controlled by fat cats senselessly annihilate lower castes to maintain order, terror reigns in the deep cities
7. Propagating thick kelp forests to obscure monumental undersea building project of unknown purpose
8. Training domesticated whales (and other sea monsters) for suicide attacks against human shipping concerns
9. Breeding project to create amphibious super-being seems to be going well, giant-sized bipedal half-mer seen striding atop the waves
10. Population hopelessly addicted to hallucinogenic enzyme produced by tiny mollusk, situation groovy but dangerously unstable
11. Booming technological progress has left terrestrial science/sorcery in the dust, sub-sea Manhattan Project nears completion
12. Period of involuntary fecundity doubles population in short span, expansionist regime looking for seaside city to sink/inhabit following sorcerous tsunami


I just noticed this Lulu coupon code for readers in the US:
Grants 25% off on all standard and premium books (and The Dungeon Dozen book, click the cover at the top left of this page). Redeem before May 26th at 11:59pm, doesn't work on ebooks/PDFs.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Dungeon Dozen PDF: Now Available More Places

One of many, many illustrations from The Dungeon Dozen Book/PDF

As of a few hours ago, The Dungeon Dozen PDF is available at RPGnow.


Even more recently, the previously mentioned PDF went live at the d20pfsrd shop.


Please patronize the retailer of your choice!

And finally, I will again remind those purchasers of the book version (see the top left of this page for a link to Lulu), forward me a copy of your Lulu invoice to gurnalon at gmail dot com and I will send you a free copy of the PDF.

Regular bloggery to resume tomorrow. Sorry, folks, but until such time as some heroic publisher swoops in to relieve me of this terrible burden, I MUST SELF-PROMOTE!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014


Now on sale at Lulu.com
Over 200 tables from this site, each bookmarked for ease of use, lavishly illustrated
Just like the book, really, only made of pixels. 

SUPER-IMPORTANT NOTE: If you order or are a member of the exalted class who have already ordered a book version, email your Lulu receipt to me at gurnalon @ gmail dot com and I'll send you a free copy of the PDF.
Thank you!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Forces Under the Sea King's Command

Roll multiple times, commence war against the surface dwellers
1. Radio controlled giant crab shock troopers for amphibious assault, operators housed in arrow-proof carapace cockpit atop shell
2.Elite corps of highly sophisticated octopus swords-masters, spat powerfully onto enemy decks by giant grouper troop transports, abide by rigid Bushido-like code of honor, wear dashing wet-dry scarves
3. Hull piercers: giant mollusks w/reinforced ram-shells, sessile until commanded to attack, expend life energies in explosive launch from strategic ocean floor placements
4. Troop transports: gelatinous spheres, soldiery immune to digestive enzyme, roll up onto beachhead, disgorge payload, commence semi-indiscriminate feeding frenzy
5. Attack-trained giant starfish, stealthily adhere, cling to ships' hulls, gnaw multiple breeches w/steely mouthparts, remain sealed until starfish detach simultaneously for sudden catastrophic hull failure
6. Half-man, half-sea serpent warriors, stronger, speedier, hardier than mermen, capable of serpentine locomotion on land, vicious, hateful, cruel by nature, skilled at arms but poisonous fangs in a pinch
7. Undead-Queequeg has joined the other team, commands crack squad of re-animated harpooners
8. Porpoise crossbowmen, surgically attached human arms, turns out they are hard-wired to be exceptionally expert marksmen, nail targets while arcing majestically through the air, reload underwater
9. Huge bivalves able to jet themselves onto enemy craft, open to deploy amphibious troops
10. Lungfish-men, an evolutionary cul-de-sac, they make war as gleeful expression of fatalistic philosophy, almost extinct which is OK by them
11. Artillery-kraken capable of blasting ink 240', multiple ink sacs hold variety of ammunition (caustic, adhesive, hallucinogenic)
12. Flailwhales

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Potion of Water Breathing: Possible Side-effects

1. Subject develops bulbous, piscine eyes w/associated blank, soulless stare
2. Gill slits form in neck, lungs diminish but remain functional, permanently amphibious
3. Unpleasant fishy personal aroma detectable at 20' for 1d12 days or until vinegar bath
4. Sudden wholehearted devotion to unsavory fish god
5. Skin gets all wrinkled and convoluted for 1d12 hours, there is shrinkage
6. Once back on dry land, hounded incessantly by seagulls
7. Tentacular suckers appear on hands and feet bestowing variety of pros/cons
8. Mollusk brain: familiar mammalian values/thought patterns replaced by sinister alien mindset
9. Uncontrollable urge to adopt aquarium hobby
10. Undersea-sickness: debilitating nausea, loss of equilibrium for potion's duration, subject obscured by clouds of vomit
11. Lungs entirely vestigial, must take up permanent underwater habitation
12. Illusory experience of death by drowning at half potion's duration, actually OK but must be convinced via pain-in-the-ass debate, presentation of empirical evidence

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Ill Met by Sea

1. Trireme loaded w/religious fanatics on pilgrimage to isolated holy site, chanting oarsmen under heavy mind-control make excellent speed, golden effigy of hideous deity displayed on prow as if to tantalize sea-borne adventurers
2. Extremely large open-top vessel festooned w/fruit-bearing vines, blooms, fronds, stalks of every description, a floating garden piloted by doom cultists on mission to renovate remote, currently barren island prior to imminent apocalypse
3. Intelligent cephalopod envoy in safety cage atop orca steed/bodyguard, en route to Chief Port of the Imperium bearing declaration of war against humanity
4. Salty sea dogs cling to timbers from ship smashed by strange water titan still at large, descriptions vary wildly from sailor to sailor
5. Gargantuan whale surfaces, opens mouth revealing sorcerer in repose on baleen, ready to lay geas on rough and tumble adventurer types for a sinister errand
6. Giant human face rises to just below surface, utters entirely unpleasant oracular prediction in bubbling radio announcer voice, sinks into obscurity
7. Seagulls flock over massive merman die-off, surface of water slick w/poisonous residue, nondescript empty barrels float nearby but will soon be extracted by pteranodon under wizard-control
8. Sea-King's miles-long wedding procession visible on ocean floor, illuminated by zillions of enthralled bioluminescent creatures, moratorium against wanton mayhem of any kind, respected by even the meanest sea monsters, violate under pain of death plus gratuitous torture
9. Huge kraken uses a few tentacles to create a distraction on one end of adventurer's craft, seize and remove any treasure aboard with the others
10. Psychic sea serpent sends out distress signal, disguises telepathic voice, pursued by frenzied pack of sharks ensorcelled by rival
11. Heavily armed blue mermen demand toll from any who would cross their stretch of ocean, red mermen show up one mile later, demand even bigger toll or tribute paid in blue merman heads
12. The Towering Pedestrian of the Waves: giant demigod in robes, exudes calm serenity except for flaming eyes, will lower self to communicate w/lesser beings, makes beeline for Imperial Capital City to exact terrible vengeance for past crime

Monday, May 12, 2014

The Sea Witch's War Kit

Roll several times to properly outfit the Sea Witch
1. Break-away canister of attack-trained vampire krill on chain around neck
2. Hypodermic rig loaded w/concentrated healing potion in belt pouch, jams into thigh at need
3. Tiny crossbow mechanism on wrist guard, dart w/25' spool of wire, rigged to shoulder bag full of electric eels
4. Coat of Polyps, shelled anemones arranged as per scale armor, poison tentacles lash out up to 5'
5. Waterproof scrolls filled to capacity w/colorful variety of death spells
6. Vials of various cephalopod inks in bandoleer: caustic, poisonous, of invisibility, repellent, eau de toilette, etc.
7. The Whistle of Whale Speech
8. Obligatory sea-blade of slicing strapped to calf
9. Sea urchin grenades in basket at waist: filled w/unstable gases, bred to explode upon forceful contact sending neurotoxin-tipped spines rocketing in a 20' radius
10. Hooked rope, harness for breaking/riding legendary undead megalodon, Sea Witch hopelessly obsessed, needs adventurer-blood for unholy summoning ritual
11. Enchanted trident, relic of extinct merman civilization, tines launch as torpedoes, adamant warhead slices through armor before detonation
12. Enslaved servitor (see subtable below)

Subtable: The Sea Witch's Enslaved Servitor(s)
1-2. Mutant cuttlefish clings to back, distended body cavity provides high speed propulsion
3-4. Re-animated disembodied hand of sea giant: faithful, obedient, dog-like intellect, rib-crushing strength
5-6. Sea Witch rides pair of evil telepathic dolphins Sea World-style
7-8. School of thousands of tiny angler fish, act in concert to provide transportation, protection, bioluminescence, collectively assume throne-shape for formal occasions
9-10. Giant merman bodyguard/personal attendant, ancient beyond reckoning, last of extinct species, constantly suggesting ways to improve Sea Witch's villainous status
11-12. Human-sized prawn squire/equipment caddy, easily rattled, surrender-prone