OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Zealots in the Streets

d12
1. Trio of totally nude, heavily muscled missionaries, complete mythic story arc of terrible deity encoded in highly detailed pictogram tattoos covering 99.9% of their bodies, presented with much ritual posing and flexing
2. Gaggle of black sarong-clad death worshippers hurrying off to nearby shrine for massive auto-annihilation ceremony
3. Flagellites of extremely ascetic order give each other shots across the shins w/wicked bamboo implements while chanting on interminably
4. Thooloo's Witnesses politely inform all encountered of imminent doom and inescapable damnation, distribute pamphlets loaded with scary woodcuts
5. Acolytes of the Beatdown God twist their mustachios, roll up their sleeves, command passersby to put up their dukes and settle things like men i.e. no-holds-barred bare knuckle brawling sans unmanly war implements
6. Priestess of Aggrox the Axe Lord more than willing to demonstrate the superiority of her faith using the legendary Axe of Helm-Cleaving punctuated judiciously w/volleys of throwing axes of certain disarmament
7. Jolly Templar of the Cosmic Brewmaster wears barrel on back, dispenses pints in exchange for a short song of praise for deity, monkey sidekick w/waterskin backpack washes mugs, juggles, dances amusingly to songs
8. Outfitted in flipper and fin-adorned wetsuits w/begoggled pope hats, underworld sea god devotees harangue pedestrians w/promises of eternal holiday at Undersea-side resort/temple
9. Haughty missionaries of the God of Conspicuous Consumption drip w/expensive-looking baubles, too snooty to proselytize to adventuring riff-raff
10. Unholy combination of busker/bard/cleric of the beauty god yodel out super-catchy devotionals with insidiously memorable hooks, saving throw vs. throwing contribution into lute case
11. Demi-material missionary ghosts roam about, issue reports of full afterlife satisfaction for the faithful should they devote their remaining days to serving Paxamamnon the Colossal Sculptor of Worlds, single commandment: destroy all sorcerers
12. Yyrgh the Celestial Organizer requires a golden pyramid for unexplainable reasons, his shaved, oiled, yellow toga-clad worshippers must accumulate building materials by taking on menial jobs like torchbearer, treasure-hauler, legitimately earned gold delivered to convenient pyramid-shaped depositories throughout city

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Xenophobia in the Underworld

For use determining reactions when PCs encounter isolated or little known beings in the abyssal depths of the Underworld

d12
1. You can trust a surface man's word, but gee are they powerful delicious/nutritious
2. All surface dwellers hated in descending order by height, the tall produce the staunchest fear and loathing, wee ones might be alright
3. Surface humans certainly reek to high heaven, but otherwise its anyone's guess, judge them on an individual basis
4. The creatures from above are so evil they think they're good! Destroy them before they can pollute your mind with their insane philosophies
5. Only a metal hat of some kind can save you from the surface people's mind control powers, shoot them from a distance and keep moving
6. Humans are blind, stupid, cruel, and greedy, but you can bamboozle them into extremely lopsided deals to minimize unpleasantness
7. Those from the outer crust have many admirable qualities but living under the open sky allows unfathomable entities from the void to warp their minds
8. They only come for one reason: our wealth, and they will do anything, absolutely anything no matter how terrible, to get it
9. The surface folk are fools, patsies of the gods, to be pitied but exterminated swiftly
10. Every time you kill a human an angel gets its wings
11. While unarguably hideous to view, with the appropriate training regimen, humans can make perfectly serviceable slaves, bait them with treasure and try to take them alive
12. Adventurers happen to match descriptions of prophesied harbingers of death god's imminence: fear, supplication

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The Lich is Away From its Lair

d12
1. At dungeon entrance, inspecting crate of ancient/forbidden tomes, checking order carefully for any deviation from promised contents/conditions, delivery ogre magically frozen in position by door should order fail to satisfy
2. Taking leisurely stroll through dungeon environment, chatting w/invisible ghost consultant, intelligent monsters in area notably deferential, obedient, flee at the first opportunity
3. In guard area, digesting reports of incursions into dungeon, stroking chin, brushing up on the most horrible spells of death and mayhem from travel grimoire, former captain of the guard a smoking ruin, replacement captain's face drained of color, drenched in flop sweat
4. Conducting tour of dungeon vacancies w/striking, exceedingly well-dressed vampire and hideous half-ape coffin-mule, fondling dark gem of evil, a gift from vampire
5. In lair, but in midst of prolonged astral sojourn, body hovers in lotus position guarded by pack of huge hounds made of molten lead
6. Currently in unknown dimension on initial survey, cosmic gate open in lair, swirling nightmare environment beyond instantly lethal to living beings, highly intelligent, bioluminescent, demi-material bats streaming in, find earthly conditions preferable to their own
7. On trip to nearby metropolis to check in w/real estate agency on bid to purchase private tower w/several subterranean levels in good part of town near marketplace, theater district, carries substantial down payment in gems
8. Romantic tryst in Hell with particularly seductive devil, fated to go terribly wrong, lich will have much spleen to vent upon return
9. Presenting radical breakthrough in depopulation science to conference of evil in nearby abandoned shrine, papers scattered about lair contain just enough hints for adventurers to realize potential threat to every living creature on the planet
10. Scaring the hell out of the humanoids on adjacent dungeon level whose repeated offenses/unnecessary disturbances demonstrate highly deficient sense of boundaries
11. Performing field evaluations of new and improved fireball spells (giant fireball, smart fireball, fireball w/self-extinguishing flourish, etc) on elf-infested forest nearest to dungeon
12. Appointment w/world's most attractive wizard at mountaintop spa for intensive de-shriveling treatment

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

What the Lich Wants


d12
1. Driven by insatiable worldly passions, amasses treasure to fund construction of monumental pleasure-pyramid, collects artifacts/relics, hoards gems/jewelry/doo-dads/trinkets, surrounds self w/nubile young servants, throws lavish parties of evil, no display of wealth too ostentatious
2. This lich has a revenge list a mile long and cannot rest until visiting a uniquely tasty catastrophe upon every entrant, often including next of kin, entire family trees
3. General disgust with the gods, devils, demons, pretty much everyone fuels perpetual research towards a means of escaping Gygaxian cosmological schema forever
4. Despite decisive victory over death itself, the lich's mind has gone all dark and hopeless, sets plans in motion to render all the world into colossal mausoleum, brews plagues, chemical weapons, broods of murder monsters, abides alone in elaborate tomb complex loaded w/specially commissioned self-aggrandizing artworks
5. Just wants to finish sweeping series of novels set millions of years in the past, era of hegemony of the extinct intelligent beetles, editing thirtieth draft of manuscript, instantly destroys any who would break his concentration
6. Only world-wide recognition and the approbation of evil peers can make up for a childhood of neglect, psychologically compelled to become a household name by any means necessary and to the exclusion of any other agenda, given to random acts of public terror, also takes credit for unattributed mayhem, frequent press releases delivered by demonic courier service
7. Time spent concocting, applying to self, mastering every conceivable super-power duplicable by wizardry, before embarking upon career as trans-cosmic hero
8. Seeks to acquire political power via behind-the-scenes machinations, unholy alliances, espionage, assassinations, blackmail, intimidation, and use said power to plunge region into perpetual state of senseless conflict just for the sheer entertainment value
9. Sickened by the lameness of the human species, labors ceaselessly to restore an extinct nonhuman race to its rightful place of world supremacy
10. Compiling knowledge from across gulfs of time into single comprehensive resource, encoded into crystalline matrix and accessible only by psychic powers, travels frequently, squad of high level magic user lackeys keep watch over subterranean research facility
11. Nearly complete space rocket will soon carry the lich, vampire entourage to planet in the Black Galaxy perfectly suited to eternal unlife
12. Must complete trans-cosmic power beam caster to cut heavenly realm of the gods from moorings w/the material world, setting the menaces adrift in the void, never again to trouble humankind

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Wandering Clergy and their Holy Implements



1. Supreme Lawgiver of Ooyosh, Pillar of Order, multi-pronged pope hat, robe of interlocked steel plates, mallet of redemption, on deity-mandated mission to harvest souls, converts must sign stack of forms, make immediate 10% tithe, travels with barrister/accountant sidekick
2. Father Flailarm of Nul the Mindless God, fully articulated steel prosthetic right arm ending in brutal flail of nullification, emits stream of dogma centered around destroying your own personality, a feat he seems to have pulled off supremely well
3. Goshimi the ever-chanting Wind Bishop must never relent from ritual chatter to dissuade the wind god from initiating long-promised Tornado Apocalypse, mashes enemies of the sky lords w/enchanted boomerang of catastrophe
4. Sister Shuyang of the Hermetic Order of Hloo-hloo, maintains icy distance, speaks sparingly in the quietest of whispers, avoids eye contact, but would join the adventurers for a chance to wallop evil with her stark bludgeon of removal
5. Hyrkon, initiate of the worm god, granted moustache mandibles for piety in word and deed, raiment tattered, half-starved, recently completed lengthy Underworld vision quest, emerged in unknown territory, lost, confused, seemingly abandoned by deity, bashes enemies of the worm-state with the writhing maul
6. Chaos Pontiff, muscled mass equivalent to small pony, wrapped mummy-like in dripping black cloth from head to toe due to unsightly skin mutation, giant gleaming eight-pointed crown, brandishes Yyr and Yur, twin demon-clubs carved from ebony w/elaborate bat wing/skull/tentacle design that transmute into extremely aggressive shoggoth forms on command
7. Al-kala-aq, quest-mullah of Ogos the Eternal relentlessly pursues the devil Uugruncht, former Ambassador from Hell, follows up new clues wherever the adventurers might be going, 2 in 6 chance of sudden preemptive devil attack per day, smacks evil w/iron rod of exorcism
8. Minister Mulkavar of a highly communicative deity of Law, plain black farmer's togs w/extremely broad brimmed hat, receives new revelatory broadcasts 1d2 times daily, convulses during divine download, soils raiment, begins extensive reportage after recovery, cracks the skeptical with sanctifying mace of clarity
9. Hishak Tithecollector, urban-camo-shrouded cutthroat/Cardinal of thieves' cult, divine powers of stealth, brings down massive cosh of ambush only from behind
10. Kuunthar-Ak, war shaman of the nearly extinct forest culture, once-serene deity now twisted to dark vengeance, issues Chewbacca-like aggro-howl before smiting the establishment w/deadly rod cut from the sole-surviving eternal oak
11. Yeti Lama, levitates in lotus position, unmatched serenity, speaks in nothing but koans, significant healing/curing powers given free of charge, utterly unimpressed with adventurers but may join a party just to teach them a lesson, smites nothing but wears stylish amulet of mental intrusion
12. Bruuthor, barbarian priest of Bor the callous mountain god, bearer of the mighty truncheon of dispersal, chants a lot, actively discourages others from worship of deity due to total lack of interest in humanity, Bor on his mountain does not care

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Purpose of the Enchanted Key

d12
1. Deactivates all dungeon deathtraps when turned in security box on deepest dungeon level
2. For enchanted giant manacles restraining super-powerful/insane demigod
3. Activates/deactivates magical giant robot, keyhole in back of head, right behind stag beetle-like mandibles of steel
4. Ignition key for self-propelled mine cart of the tinker dwarfs, huge payload capacity, capable of breakneck speeds, poor cornering ability
5. Invisible keyhole in wall opens door to DMs pet alternate campaign setting
6. Opens lock box containing secret instructions left by extinct star-dwellers to prevent otherwise imminent galactic collision
7. Unlocks magical cage imprisoning relatively minor corporeal manifestation of death god
8. Grants access to the most magnificent lavatory facilities yet conceived
9. Opens padlock securing chains around cabinet loaded with priceless collectible torture implements from ancient culture of unsurpassed sadism
10. Inserting into keyhole on boulder activates metamorphosis into animate bodyguard of stone
11. Fits in any keyhole, locks permanently if turned
12. Toggles good/evil setting for biomechanical mind-enhancing implant in sorcerer's head

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

On Pain of Death

To combat player indecision/lassitude, the local monarch has a mandatory dungeon mission.

d12
1. Find the dungeon's deepest well, extract and return with one bucket-full of the primordial goo at well bottom
2. Princeling telepathically calls out for aid, stuck in a covered pit in a hallway filled with same on third level
3. Deliver ransom to Dungeon Overlord and retrieve hostage (royal chef of surpassing talent), time is of the essence!
4. Discover entrances and map entirety of level three in preparation for mass assault by Royal Commandos, remain undetected, no witnesses
5. Give the quasi-lich his powerful ancient relic back stat so he'll cool it with the plagues and curses
6. Capture and return with previously unknown species of ooze for important arcane research project
7. Assassinate turncoat court vizier currently in the employ of Dungeon Overlord
8. Deliver flowers and chocolate to medusa for love-sick bachelor monarch, she will be the one who wears her snakes in elaborate braided updo
9. Steal single tooth from venerable dragon on level eight without awakening the menace, good news: magical anesthetic, teeth falling out anyway, not-so-good: dragon worshipped by humanoid cult famous for vigilance, dedication to duty
10. Negotiate contract with mercenary band of bloodthirsty humanoids on level two, do not alert rival humanoids on level one
11. Sow seeds of insurrection by revealing captured plans of Dungeon Overlord to various factions noted as "entirely expendable", limit looting, slay only as necessary
12. Deposit arcane explosive device on deepest dungeon level then get the hell out

Monday, November 25, 2013

ONLY DRAGONS GET CRITICAL HIT TABLES!

WARNING: GROSS

Claw, claw
d12
1. Swipe smashes jaw, pulps face, power of speech temporarily destroyed, even magical healing cannot restore the PC to original beauty
2. All raiment/armor rent, subject left totally nude, humiliated
3. Flung 12d12 feet in random direction, additional plummeting damage
4. Seized in claw and squeezed for double damage, bones mashed, innards liquefied in one round unless PC somehow effects escape
5. Carotid artery and jugular vein simultaneously compromised resulting in spectacular jetting bleed out in 3 rounds
6. Claw enters mouth, exits brain-case, instant death
7. Disemboweled with intestines tangled in claw, double damage, its a hell of position to be in
8. Claws impale chest, saving throw or instant death, otherwise dragged around or smashed into comrades until somehow dislodged
9. 1d4 random limbs go flying off
10. Dragon punch: instant KO, two black eyes, broken nose, PC hurtles off into space, smashing into any solid object in trajectory for additional damage
11. Stomp out: subject smashed to ground, extra damage if wearing stiff armor, 1d4 limbs broken
12. Sliced clean through, subject split from crown to crotch, momentary pause for final utterance before falling to pieces

Bite
d12
1. Single fang through the brain, if victim survives: personality, mental capacities permanently changed
2. Dragon gets a good grinding chew in before letting go, double damage
3. Bites off the hand/arm holding the weapon/magic item of greatest use against the dragon, swallows hard, grins
4. Limb seized, victim flung into ceiling (if outdoors, smashed into the ground) for extra bonus impact damage
5. Bitten around torso, victim must somehow escape the next round or be chomped in half
6. Snips off random limb and down the hatch quick as you like
7. Victim impaled on fang and stuck fast, dragon gets automatic claw, claw attack to shed the attachment
8. The old bite and shake: no one ever survives that but PCs are special so you get a saving throw, success indicates double damage
9. Takes a huge chunk out of neck and shoulder, bleed out in three rounds
10. Face raked with rasped tongue, flesh sheered off leaving only skull and goggling eyes
11. Swallowed whole, straight down the gullet, could possibly trigger involuntary eruption of breath weapon, otherwise it's off to the gizzard for a sound thrashing
12. Head bitten off, chewed, spat out at comrades' feet

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Wandering Sorcerers

d12
1. Vulnok the Vain: mirrored shades, luxurious blond hair swept up into shape of conical wizard's hat, rides in majestic pose atop the shoulders of his powerful dwarf bearer in fashionable armor, spell book loaded w/arcane beauty aids
2. Hyrantides the Tremulous: wears living cloak of protection fashioned of self-repairing fungi, anticipates incoming blows and bunches up to reduce damage to host, hat and shoulders covered with growth of miniature shriekers triggered by penetration of personal space
3. Eeyika-ah, the Master of Levitation: legs shrivelled from disuse, train of gear follows along behind in mid-air, in constant deep meditative state, speaks from mystic second mouth in forehead
4. Proposus the Pliable: extensible rubber-like arms can conduct business up to 20' away, snake around in the air to form mystic signs and sigils of power
5. Frokulon of Frand: animate beard, provides gestural component to spell casting, unfurls scrolls, makes notations in spell book, hands free to get stabby with twin ebon demon-daggers
6. K'lolos the Cursed: jaw and mouth resemble that of shark, must eat unbelievable quantities of human flesh to sustain sorcerous might, travels with personal chef liberated from Cannibal Isle and pressed into service, must collect and consume large number of perfectly pure hearts and brains unsullied by wickedness for cure, logbook shows good progress but still long way to go
7. Veletrix the Green: half-man, half-vegetable as a result of successful bid to extend natural life, if human half killed by violence constantly regenerating veg half takes over gleefully to exact vengeance on all meat-devils
8. Gorofrond Oozefriend: guarded by faithful gelatinous sphere that self-inflates into escape dirigible upon command, may vomit up rainbow choice of variety of oozes for every occasion thrice daily
9. Eendros the Calamity-weaver: handsome, youthful head transplanted onto towering mummy body, speaks in garbled mishmash of tongues, knows all the death spells, can throw blocks of masonry as hill giant
10. Thruun Boltrider: obsessed with lightning spells, entire spell-book loaded with variations on the theme, thick rubber gloves/boots, eyes crackle with electricity, nervous around water
11. Mad Murthrin: involuntarily projects demi-material hallucinations, surrounded by swirling cloud of tiny demonic advisers issuing put-downs, seems friendly but lashes out without warning
12. Tundolu Two-heads: first head wears wizard hat, second head gagged and blindfolded, if blindfold removed issues bolts of reality-tearing energy that rapidly tunnel through to adjacent dimensions, if un-gagged hollers obscenity-laden revelations re: the true nature of the universe

Thursday, November 21, 2013

On The King's Highway

d12
1. Mounted messenger, half-crazed, at full gallop bearing entirely false report of zombie apocalypse
2. Wagon train full of circus performers led by the World's Tallest Halfling, bearer of enchanted monster-repelling amulet
3. Broken mercenary war band, barely enough men on their feet to bear the fallen upon their shields, unconscious wizard employer in critical condition, returning to HQ to extract payment from next of kin
4. Royal archaeologist and swarm of grad students excavate section of road where, if their wild extrapolations from scanty physical evidence are correct, the bones and legendary war-kit of an ancient hero remain undisturbed
5. Battle-nurse in gleaming mail w/enchanted bludgeon of purification travels w/squad of armed aides to site of duel to save the life of stricken noble
6. Stampeding war-horses with only the smoldering hips and legs of their riders remaining
7. Creaking wooden wagon-tower drawn by huge cat, self-luminous green witch in black leather peers out from battlement, gleefully accosts passersby, hands out boons or banes at whim
8. Culinary wizard in mystic robes, extra-tall chef hat, sets out for famine-struck province to proliferate hardy edible fungus, current generation produces semi-disturbing side-effects
9. Public health official returning from investigation of plague outbreak in the grain-producing provinces, doesn't feel so hot himself
10. Wicked sorcerer wearing aviators goggles and scarf test pilots all-terrain necro-mobile propelled by scads of disembodied human legs, performance exceeds expectations, emits howls of self-satisfied laughter
11. Famous demigod seething with rage after learning of human mother's horrible fate: devoured by divine father, en route to holy mountain to destroy the terrifying old man, welcomes any brave enough to come along
12. Disgraced former Dungeon Overlord w/ragtag band of various monsters, slithers off after disastrous raid by super-powerful adventurers, seeks cozy little cave complex in the country in need of strong leadership

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Drunk Jerks With Swords

Random encounters in the saloon

d12
1. Sweaty, brutish lout fresh from the wilderness in owlbear-skin suit, giant moustache, smells like beef jerky, utters continuous hate speech against demihumans/savages/foreigners
2. Tall, slender but w/ sinews like steel bands, mismatched bits of gear and armor from defeated foes, despises holy men and paladins because who do they think they are?
3. Scarred escapee from generations of servitude would gleefully hack member of gentry at any opportunity, froths at any obsequious displays, counsels hirelings/henchmen to abandon their masters, collection of teeth knocked out of noble heads
4. Old warrior, too broke to retire, shrivelled but w/ highly refined murder skills, wracking cough, likes to pick on the weak, issues stream of insult comic jabs until target provoked, hides behind lout in entry 1
5. Bloated creep, trickle of saliva from slack lip, incredibly strong but only good for about a minute of combat before wheezing, challenges big guys to feats of strength w/heavy wagering, trash talk, won't pay out if defeated because victor must have cheated
6. Paranoid fighter w/one giant hand won't stop talking about the red reptilians who actually control everything, takes challenges to world view as personal affront
7. Charred fireball survivor can smell a magic-user a stone's throw away and unwilling to take any chances
8. Barrel-bellied gentleman, plate armor straining to contain ever expanding girth, feels all disputes should be resolved via competitive drinking
9. Constable relieved of duties after questionable handling of arrest would love to vent spleen in violent outburst, but to do so lawfully must be struck first
10. Well-spoken cretin espouses half-baked barroom Social Darwinism, goes on at length about how the poor get what they deserve
11. Famous local outlaw fresh from the tailor in fashionable togs, drops silver indiscriminately, gleefully buys round after round, involuntarily hinting at big score he's not supposed to talk about
12. Beloved hero of the previous decade, once-resplendent martial gear now stained and rusty, a bit weird after the dragon bit his head, staggers into people at random w/jostling force, demands apology, saloon patrons very protective

Saturday, November 16, 2013

In the Marketplace

d12
1. Butcher w/variety of Underworld meats, dubious sausages, menacing terrines, weird pâté, will pay bounty for reasonably fresh monster corpses
2. Kiosk occupied by capitalist sorcerer selling horses w/full tack shrunken to chihuahua size, resume full stature upon command, comes with reinforced backpack habitarium, tiny bales of feed, extremely pricey
3. Entirely corrupt Royal Inspectors w/squad of elite soldiers shake down dealers, accept only the juiciest of bribes, add arbitrary transaction fees to deals-in-progress, universal acclaim to any who could make this menace disappear
4. Illegal dungeon intoxicant salesman on home-crafted in-line skates zooms around openly pitching wares, issues obscene gestures to 3, above
5. Gnarly-looking tattooist, shirtless, broad grin reveals decorative faux fangs, shaved hairless but for multi-pronged goatee, inked from crown to crotch in riot of styles, art samples on stretched human skin, audible groans from within tent enclosure
6. Ambush cleric of the mighty god of beat-downs: magically conceals self, beans chosen subject w/mace, subsequently revived in back alley under full proselytizing assault
7. Bearded witch under black tarp will curse enemies for cash, outcomes range from minor skin eruptions to howling madness to lethal afflictions, priced accordingly
8. Foreign vendor sells unusual footwear, mostly mundane w/extremely pointy toes, new line of troll-rubber boots that never wear out, enhance sneakiness
9. Levitating mystic w/brass bowl full of coins, opens eyes and issues single dark oracular statement only if exact change deposited
10. Multiple dealers offer stilts and grotesque papier mâché heads to mark upcoming Festival of the Giants
11. Squad of ex-hirelings w/visible wounds selling off goods from party of adventurers killed by poison gas trap, partial dungeon map among items, other tips available for cash payment, will never ever venture below again
12. Dungeon crawl puppet show, picaresque featuring Quazemax the quasi-lich's underworld conquests, magically enhanced production values, buckets of gore, demographic appears to comprise children/simplest louts and warriors, watching entire program yields 1d12 mostly true dungeon rumors

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

NPC Encounters: In the City Temple

d12
1. Semi-deranged senior citizen had lengthy conversation with some devil or other through her hovel's only door, many disturbing revelations, next visit promised for midnight
2. Philosopher-mage hostile to all religion about to get removed/killed by temple security, hollers out half-crazed/half-sensible diatribe for the abolition of the gods, claims to have concocted new magical argument that will dispel deities if only it can be delivered on their home turf
3. Gaggle of children of high station under tutelage of supremely dangerous monk get first hand lesson on manipulating the masses, tailed by shadowy bat-winged thralls of powerful witch w/ambitious kidnapping scheme
4. Extremely ancient vampire, seen it all, done it all, now looking to end it all
5. Semi-repentant libertine, still at least partially stupefied by recent binge gets the hard sell from clergy, veteran of expedition to local dungeon, knows location of pain in ass treasure
6. Forest ape of above average intellect trying to get a grip on the concept, convinced religiosity is the key by which human nature will at last become comprehensible, but if not, his fellows are correct, humanity must be destroyed
7. Seasoned assassin fresh from gig, immune from prosecution while on temple grounds, performs ritual cleanse followed by fortnight of fasting/meditation, then its off to whack some corrupt official, could maybe use a hand with house guards for cut of astonishing fee
8. Local nobles making customary obeisances and nominal tithes while looking down noses at common rabble, purses fat with filthy lucre, take one look at the PCs and hop back in their palanquins
9. Human trafficker, heavily armed crew of cutthroats w/covered wagon-load of candidates for human sacrifice must have taken a wrong turn somewhere
10. Enshrouded victim of terrible dungeon plague short on time, short on cash for required healing, survivor of ill-fated expedition to nearby dungeon, will trade underworld secrets/rumors for gold
11. Celebrity guest preacher actually magically disguised agent of chaos ready to unleash powers of mind-control on congregation, then begin killing temple clergy one-by-one
12. Sorcerer, beady eyes streaming bitter tears, seeks absolution for crimes against nature, swears off pursuit of the dark arts, renounces worldly possessions including fully stocked tower loaded with magic items (does not mention host of terrifying abominations at liberty within), tears raiment, self-flagellates before shrivelling like a punctured balloon in a black cloud of foulness

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

NPC Encounters: In the Palace

d12
1. Impostor noble from distant kingdom imposing on hospitality of court: trickster looking to ingratiate, befriend, romance then bilk, borrow, steal, slither off into the night, always looks sharp: ancient magical toga transmutes into any desired raiment once daily
2. League of Evil Physicians chief prepares operating theater for demonstration of novel surgical techniques featuring judicious use of lab-developed slimes, puddings, and jellies
3. Small time arms dealer trying to make the big time, recent alliance w/shady dwarf clan using slave labor to triple output of cheap knockoffs of legendary dwarf war products, samples look terrific
4. Assassin disguised as greatest pastry chef in the land, works in seclusion to prepare colossal cake for prince's birthday, actually frosting covered nail bomb
5. High priest of burgeoning Underworld cult and motley entourage inflict their beastly company upon court, petitioning for mutual non-aggression pact w/the realm, believed to have scads of bejewelled gifts/bribe monies standing by in chambers
6. Traitorous yet super-competent major domo, belittled by the royals for the final time, dying to inject disruptive mayhem into courtly life, PCs look like just the patsies to get things going
7. Eligible young noble, exceedingly well connected and in line for wealth/power, interested in pursuing brief romance with random PC in a ploy to draw out idle suitors of a more desirous variety, once attention garnered instantly discards PC w/public accusations of unsavory conduct
8. Powerful witch in guise of faith healer/spiritual guru to the young nobles, sows the seeds of subtle mind control for the day when the children will destroy their parents and she will harness the potency of this bloodshed to call down her dark masters from the stars
9. Friend of a friend of a hanger-on to the staff of a major noble, also expert duellist, looking for opportunity to make a big splash to kick off campaign of status elevation
10. Thousand year old demigod, somewhat diminished by age but still tremendously scary, showed up drunk and took a wing of the palace for personal use, the royals would love to be rid of the menace
11. Venerable ex-court vizier, forced into retirement by ambitious apprentice, doddering, forgetting spells, now secretly hiring swords to exact his terrible vengeance
12. Mighty hero of the realm, returned from mind-bending sojourn into some Hell or other, armor crafted of green leviathan chitin, wicked radiant war-cleaver sidearm, refuses to remove helmet or speak, takes nourishment through mouth slit, squire cautions everyone against sudden moves

Monday, November 11, 2013

More Big City Street Weirdos

d12
1. Human obstacle: this hulking fellow, once-great warrior dinged in the helmet by a giant, affable at first, simply will not get out of the way, throngs of city folk sympathetic to his plight give wide berth
2. Artificial sheriff: crude handmade badge of station, tattered raiment in imitation of city constabulary, speech like movie Frankenstein, attempts to place random party member under arrest for crimes indecipherable
3. Lady who SCREEEEAAAMMMSS everything she says, generally gets all the way up in grill before letting loose paranoid diatribe describing current city officials as patsies for vampire cabal
4. Peculiar, slightly smelly fellow with no discernible skills or profession who really wants to be friends very badly, persistent, ingratiating, offers self up as retainer happy to perform the lowliest of tasks
5. Genius street urchin who learned charm person from senile magic user
6. Charming old lady who used to be a badass fighter must eat gold to live, metabolism permanently changed by encounter with the legendary Gold River of the Underworld, she's full of stories but expensive tastes must be indulged
7. Suspiciously pale performer actually controlled by vampire monkey sidekick
8. Ol' Snakepockets: reputable breeder specialising in deadly vipers, literally squirming at all times w/ 2d12 living snakes around neck, up sleeves, in pants, hair, headgear, etc.
9. Mighty-looking beggar warrior w/compulsive gambling issue saving up coppers to get sword out of hock, would appreciate help in exchange for services
10. Street surgeon: expelled from academy for outlandish (frequently correct) theories, highly successful secret practice responsible for refurbishing criminal element, provides healing, cures diseases non-magically, barter system, sewer-level offices stuffed with stolen trinkets/magic items
11. World's smallest halfling:almost a foot tall, massive sideburns, bloated, appears ungainly but scampers like anything, catches rats with teeth, looking for work, voice like James Earl Jones
12. Man under witch's curse: skin perpetually bursts into flames, lives in water filled-barrel, street folk bring him victuals, warm themselves

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Ten

d12
1. Enchanted photo-real 3-D portrait of the Dungeon Overlord as a young man/woman/entity, demon-sculpted black frame of evil alone worth small fortune, but would look great over mantle @ adventurer's HQ
2. Parked outside treasure sorting room: large wheeled bin full of clothing, armor, gear stripped from startling number of dead adventurers, highlights include: exciting footwear, unusual equipment, interesting helmets
3.One-third bottle of sour mash whiskey of monster control: works great but unbelievably potent
4. Silver whistle creates imperceptible sound wave that destroys bond between artificially installed animus and flesh/other matter, renders much necromancy null and void, terminally disrupts corporeal undead, single charge remaining
5. Brain-shaped crystal formation, enhances intellect to super-human level when in physical contact, weighs one thousand pounds, floods brain w/crazy ideas
6. Bat-winged jumpsuit w/horned space helmet from member of Hell's Courier Service killed by Dungeon Overlord for delivering bad news, affords excellent protection from weapons, fire & infernal weather, transporter belt w/single button takes wearer to Hell and back, impervious satchel of holding attached
7. Phalanx of inert robo-hoplites w/Corinthian helm of remote control, instruction manual, in gift-wrapped shipping container
8. Gag gift for Dungeon Overlord from subsequently assassinated member of inner circle: aerosol can of paladin repellent, actually sort of works, renders only the pure and noble green around the gills
9. Locked coffer filled with scrolls detailing accumulated research/elaborate plan to import elder being from adjacent dimension, install in the heavens to create permanent eclipse, creatures of the night take over
10. Soul-powered bio-mechanical dungeon excavator, like small rail car on multitude of stubby legs, business end a riot of shovels and picks, hacks out standard 10' dungeon corridor/minute, extrudes rubble as usable masonry, very thirsty for souls indeed
11. Rod of Dungeon Mastery: projects rays that reduce the weak-willed to minion status, compel spirits of the Underworld to reveal mysteries of dungeon ecology, deactivate traps/automated tricks, open doors as per knock spell, multi-horned skull topper gives directions w/gentle voice, warns of self destruct mechanism should the object be taken from the dungeon
12. Dungeon Overlord's experimental super-armor, unfinished but still rather awesome, emits waves of fear, induces supplication, enhances strength/endurance/speed, impervious to anything short of an exploding shell, when out of soul-fuel consumes that of occupant

Monday, November 4, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Nine

d12
1. Just back from the cleaners: wardrobe's worth of human size cult raiment, outrageous, multiply spiked and pronged, towering headgear like baroque cathedrals, in all the most evil colors, hateful devil face masks included
2. Huge, perfectly cut jewels with self-generating spider legs, scamper to avoid capture, bite with gem fangs loaded with virus-like mineral venom, transmutes great swaths of living cells into crystalline slough
3. Skin-bound tourist's phrasebook of Hell, covers many dialects of the Abyss, also includes instructions for producing weird tones and ululations perceptible to Elder Gods using common household items
4. In huge lead box, melted shut: bust of current Chaos Bishop cast in gold, diamond and blue sapphire eyes, neck and shoulders covered in gemstones simulating mail, crafted back when he only had a few facial tentacles
5. Sometimes a giant cigar is just a giant cigar
6. Sorcerer with look of supreme confidence and enviable array of gear turned to stone, subsequently smashed to chunks, dropped scroll amongst the rubble intact, inscribed w/potent chaos-dampening spell
7. Spiked mallet of soul-extinguishing: critical hit indicates direct shot to pineal gland, annihilates soul leaving behind greying remnant, lacking all joie de vivre, looking forward only to oblivion
8. Large black medical bag: huge tube of high potency anti-fungal cream, one dose ointment of regeneration, jar w/rather menacing giant leech that cures disease, sealed envelope containing one inert colony body lice of healing
9. Bejewelled sofa with wicked clawed feet carved from devil bones, upholstered with fabrics woven from precious metals, worth a fortune on secondary market of evil, would look fantastic in wealthy vampire's lair, too bad its on level nine
10. Massive enchanted sacrificial dagger (as short sword), unerringly seeks the heart of opponent once daily but only after time-consuming/embarrassing ritual
11. Soul-powered dungeon hovercraft, seats five w/one more in the automatic ballista turret, not very fuel-efficient
12. Crown of Hell, minor: cloven in two by vorpal sword (shattered, shards everywhere) wielded by mighty paladin (broken, pulverized body nearby), devoid of terrible powers but made from priceless/incredibly rare infernal metals

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Eight

d12
1. Huge enchanted syringe crafted for soul-extraction, assembly required, components packed in padded box
2. Floating storage locker, borne aloft by Tenser wave, currently loaded w/relatively valueless tchotchkes from Hell
3. Leviathan ivory scrimshaw depicting pivotal turning points in history of alternative reality
4. Full helm shaped as vulture's head, imparts ability to sense bloodshed, death, decay up to one mile distant
5. Dress jacket with eight decorative tentacles where epaulets should be, obey mental commands of wearer
6. Crate wrapped by tamper-resistant chain of security containing scads of dubious underworld currency, surrounded by recently slain bodies of delivery-humanoids
7. Large glass bottle filled with fist-sized capsules each containing inert ooze, just add copious amounts of water
8. Lock box full of crude medals festooned with skulls (gold, electrum, silver) for various events in upcoming Underworld Games
9. Lead-lined barrel, sealed and ensorcelled, holy symbols of every stripe stored within, awaiting pickup by hazmat disposal humanoids
10. Platinum idol of rearing diplodocus-god, jewel eyes, only half-excavated from stone wall
11. Package marked for delivery to Science Commander of adjacent dungeon complex, peer-reviewed treatise on detecting evil at cellular level, litmus test kit, specimen samples from various underworld horrors
12. Soul-fueled power generator, valve fits syringe (entry 1), several hundred feet of coiled cable w/metal clamps

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Seven

d12
1. Scroll of Holding: created by now-senile godling before totally losing it, stores unlimited amounts of information, spells, maps, other documents, contents from far-flung paleogean epochs right up to last Tuesday, no index
2. Small herd of stampeding treasure chests, fully loaded, ambulating upon clockwork horse legs, dispatched to secret summer house of the quasi-lich in adjacent dungeon complex
3. Wand of Transmission: fires bolt of information unerringly, decoded by brain of target who must make a saving throw or forget own name, other vital bits, for 1d12 hours
4. Gentleman's formal attire of Hell, bat-wing bow tie, fiendish spats, freshly cleaned and pressed, sized for twelve foot tall being of robust build, wing holes, smart lines, black-on-red design, fabric woven from wondrous alien metals, weighs a ton
5. Precise ink diagram on good vellum w/notations in thieves' code, burned a bit, trodden on, crumpled, indicates exact locations of 1d4 treasures on level 8
6. Pumpkin-size Golden Apple of the Gods, a single bite instantly increases the intellect if saving throw vs. death succeeds, then roll HERE for good measure
7. Enchanted steel snail shell w/tiny door, magic phrase allows owner and carried equipment to shrink down and take shelter within should that ever seem like a good idea
8. Gong of Supplication (Humanoid): tone precisely mimics signature fanfare of wicked deity, when sounded brings single type of humanoid to knees, wailing and grovelling as one might until ruse discovered
9. Cast iron Codpiece of Protection: gruesome bat-face design, prodigious magical bonus to armor rating but cannot be worn with anything else other than boots and helmet, maybe a cape, or enchantment negated
10. Vial w/1d12 blue and red capsules, if taken causes toxic gas to gush forth prodigiously from mouth as per cloudkill 
11. Large, relatively slow-moving bats w/four wings, bellies stuffed with gems, winging their way to quasi-lich's summer house in adjacent dungeon complex
12. Trained all-weather gelatinous cube: follows commands played on tin whistle, master can be encysted within for effortless transport over land or sea, great storage capacity, secretes acid as desired

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Six

d12
1. Miniature scale model of recent dungeon construction in extraordinary detail, placement of some death traps subsequently revised
2. Bag full of feathers from angel wings, razor sharp, stronger than steel, exude palpable aura of goodness repellent to soulless/undead, make for awesome magic arrows
3. Cursed fifty foot rope of treachery: to all appearances of the finest quality, ties/unties self at worst possible moment
4. Smart putty, ensorcelled to adhere to face and alter features to desired arrangement at whim, if attempted more than once/day user must make saving throw or face becomes writhing oozing out-of-control mask of unpleasantness
5. Dust and cobweb obscured solid gold trophy for competitive eating championship awarded to Dungeon Overlord earlier in career
6. Severed head of a fellow with terrible hairdo of chaos and ornate earrings of evil, partial dental appliance contains authentic demon fangs, soul-freezing bite attack paralyzes as ghoul, extractions required for use in most healthy PCs
7. Glass globe w/sentient gas being on elegant pedestal, telepathic, bitter, hateful, eats oxygen, famished, if released will instantly suck the air out of the room
8. Former enemies of the Dungeon Overlord, bodies preserved by dip in liquid gold, removed from public display years ago
9. Still-warm crock of giant centipede gumbo, quite nourishing, diabolically spicy, save vs. gastro-intestinal distress 1d4 hours after consumption
10. Shaman's medicine bag, straps hacked through, spattered with gore, contents interesting (tiny skulls of unknown origin, ancient coins no one collects anymore, new and unusual fungi, a shrunken human foot, stinky resins, assorted dried berries, etc.), seem like they should have some kind of mystic function but add up to a hill of beans
11. Gleaming helm w/large frilly moth-like antennae that sense movement/subtlest shifts in air current to a range of 120 feet
12. Palm size diamond, sentient, telepathic, awakened when cut by forgotten god at the dawn of time, has seen it all, knows it all, starving for attention after long isolation, exceedingly clingy and needy but good with numbers, volunteers to become financial advisor to adventurers

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Five

d12
1. Stoppered vial contains balm that causes thick, lustrous hair to sprout abundantly from skin wherever applied
2. Leather bag held down by heap of stones conceals levitating ingot of extra-dimensional metal of astonishing tensile strength and malleability, will ascend into the heavens if left untethered
3. Life size mannequin magically animates upon command and replicates several popular fighting styles for martial training, armed with array of kendo-style weaponry
4. Scroll of Instantaneous Mass Transport, designed for use when things get extremely bad, teleports any within fifteen feet of caster to distant star/campaign world of the game master's choosing
5. Single lens that allows remote viewing of extremely grim and brutal alternate reality wherein, perhaps unbelievably, the PCs are even more horrible people
6. Skull w/enchanted stone spike driven through, if embedded into skull of living subject at precisely the same angle it stimulates and augments latent telekinetic abilities
7. Crate contains carefully packed three foot long scale model of dirigible, fully functional, w/circlet of remote control included, designer's notes indicate payload capacity of up to ten pounds
8.  Hand truck loaded w/unmarked barrels
9. Nearly depleted spool of semi-unbreakable magic thread w/needle tucked in, enchanted small scissors of snipping stuck in the top
10. Lock box containing receipts for massive deposits issued by royal bank of nearest metropolis, ledger, signet ring, enough personal information to pull off identity theft of quasi-lich
11. Scroll scribbled in haste after research breakthrough seems to contain a variant of the disintegrate spell but is actually the arcane equivalent of a cyanide tablet
12. Golden idol of vulgar deity screams obscenities if touched or moved, carries on until dispel magic or equivalent applied

Monday, October 28, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Four

d12
1. Severed hand with ducal signet ring clutching a Wand of Regeneration, single charge remaining
2. Package wrapped in black paper, undelivered gift for wicked youngling contains set of fully articulated action figures of evil, crafted of wood and tin, masterfully painted, tiny implements of war and mayhem included, coupon to send away for ultra rare anti-paladin figure
3. Luminous crystal shard contains single massive electrical charge released by smashing against sufficiently hard object, discharges in thirty foot radius, damage as per lightning bolt
4. Exquisite suit of plate armor on standing display, currently inhabited by colony of hideous dungeon fairies like tiny bat-winged hairless monkeys, swarm attack if disturbed, sabaton articulations seep toxic guano
5. Tremendous meat pie left to cool on industrial-size rack, contents unknown but smells alright, huge golden ring baked in
6. Fabled Adamant Crowbar of Unsolicited Entry, enchanted to pry like nobody's business
7. Corpse copiously hacked and arrowed, obvious false eye sees gold through walls, etc, if in contact with optic nerve
8. The Gong Resounding, hand-size with dainty mallet, devil face painted on, magically amplified, loud as a nearby thunderclap
9. Conical wizard's hat w/decorative skull motif, blood-spattered, ransom gems sewn into apex, pocket also occupied by tiny viper
10. Hermetically sealed box containing chunk of rubbery troll flesh eager to remake itself once exposed to air
11. Toothy segment of dragon jawbone w/sculpted hand grip, enchanted to emit terrifying roar as per dragon when wielded in battle, combat bonus against mammals
12. Glass globe w/highly compressed and positively furious air elemental trapped within

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Three

d12
1. Stone tablet inscribed with cuneiform calendar of 100% accuracy, suppressed for religious reasons, could fetch major sum from right buyer or possibly summary execution for sedition if discovered by powers-that-be
2. Bedazzled keepsake box containing sacred bones, locks of humanoid hair, set of pointy baby teeth dipped in gold, swarm of aggressive body lice
3. Notarized document presenting semi-irrefutable evidence of regional monarch's collusion in various crimes against humanity
4. Sword of armor-cleaving: ancient blade enchanted to sheer off opponent's protective gear in single swipe once per day
5. Pages 117-198 of Forbidden Manual of Future Lore, contested translation into common tongue, contains many terrible revelations of events yet to be with direst ramifications for current ruling classes
6. Huge unbreakable leaf from the legendary Tree of Adamant
7. Crate containing sets of parade dress for entire humanoid royal clan for upcoming event, multiple sizes, all stunning in their over-the-top flamboyance, lots of shiny bits, weird juxtapositions of color, maker's mark indicates work of celebrity designer from nearest metropolis
8. Not-quite-colossal stone head, persistently levitates three feet above any surface, holds one thousand pounds before sinking
9. Single plate shoulder piece of missile deflection, enchanted to send missiles astray (2 in 6 chance), negligible effect on overall protection, needs new straps
10. Bone-crushing mace, ensorcelled to render random limb useless on critical hit, must be used two-handed by any creature smaller than ogre-size, great strength required
11. Musical instrument of shining brass, obviously designed to be played by creature with multiple mouths, scads of digits
12. Giant-size coat of exquisite chinchilla-like fur, marred slightly by smear of indelible ink on massive sleeve

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level Two

d12
1. Leather scroll case, two tickets to the ogre war chiefs' biannual bacchanal inside w/directions
2. Beautifully crafted false devil horns w/gum adhesive, bat wings, tail, array of straps, one application of purple body paint, still in package
3. Ornate ceramic vessel with cork stopper, decorated w/scenes considered quite erotic by certain kinds of underworld humanoids, contains one gallon refined mineral oil, extra slippery
4. Half-full flask of nightmare juice: tiny sip imparts stimulating chills down spine, sense of dread, full measure incapacitates with mind-bending horrors for 1d4 hours, saving throw vs. early retirement to quiet life in the country upon awakening
5. Shiv of shanking: razor-sharp obsidian shard with leather wrapped grip, enchanted for bonus to backstabbery
6. Six extra-large gold coins in black purse, appear to have been minted in Hell, hideous devil face, unholy sigils, inscribed with dire curse, always warm to the touch, hard to spend
7. Discarded corner of sorcerer's mind-enhancing vegan sandwich: boosts IQ a bit but mostly jacks up self-confidence and causes the lips to curl involuntarily into sardonic smirk
8. Humanoid medic's field surgical kit: gnarly scalpels, retractors, pincers, spreaders, variety of toxic powders that may or may not induce unconsciousness, great curved needle and thread, strip of leather w/ bite marks, tubing and tourniquets made from tanned monster arteries, menacingly large scissors
9. Stylish multi-pronged helmet, of the kind practically irresistible to warriors of inflated self-importance, currently infested w/ benevolent parasite
10. Small leather bag with embroidered mushroom insignia: weird loam within produces a new super-nutritious fungal lobe each day if kept moist, stinks though
11. The silent mallet: ensorceled to drive pitons (etc) noiselessly
12. Exploding rations: erupt into ten foot ball of blue flame when bitten

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Random Items: Dungeon Level One

d12
1. Near mint collectible humanoid figurine set, each figure engaged in different unspeakable act of evil, wrapped in lamb's wool and packed in special crate from the wicked manufacturer
2. Scuffed brass dungeon compass with stylized dragon embossed on cover, needle always points to the nearest exit
3. Stitched giant's bladder with adjustable metal nozzle, filled with hot pepper mash that sprays forth if squeezed
4. Ancient cube of gold, quite encumbering, 50% chance of being lead with thinnest veneer of gold foil
5. Semi-reliable Blindfold of Trap Awareness, sends shivers down the wearer's spine when traps are near or at random
6. Gems encased in blobs of lead for safe keeping (a troll practice)
7. Trained rat in wooden cage: sniffs out gold in exchange for treats
8. Poorly smelted iron badge with unknown rune: signifies allegiance with specific humanoid tribe
9. Unusual potion imparts unpleasant side effects unless saving throw succeeds
10. Damage-proof scroll case carved of leviathan ivory, bejewelled, decorated with skulls and devils, crumbling scroll inside contains enough fragments of unknown spell for relatively easy restoration
11. Animate disembodied hand on leash, able to follow simple commands
12. Enchanted crystal sword that hits automatically for maximum damage once then shatters into semi-precious shards

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Random Dungeon Overlord

d12
1. Marooned outer being established as object of worship, amasses resources needed to activate trans-cosmic distress signal device
2. World's smartest giant engineers scenario to ignite and maintain world's most continuous debauched revelry
3. Demigod of unspeakable evil and malice brought to lowly state by various earthly addictions
4. Failed war leader from remote alien sphere gathering power to give it another go in campaign world, hubris matched only by general incompetence (except in cruelty and combat)
5. Satan himself, visits campaign universe in spare time, just a relaxing hobby
6. Chrononaut from distant past: dinosaur monarch reincarnated as human-type, uniting powers of darkness to topple nauseating reign of mammals
7. Megalomaniac artist/sorcerer w/sensibilities of Hieronymus Bosch/H. R. Giger, plans to use entirety of campaign world as grand living canvas
8. Champion of Law gone rogue/undercover to sow seeds of Charles Mansonian helter-skelter amongst the surface kingdoms, triggering at last perpetually delayed final conflict
9. Just the standard bitter evil royal from surface kingdom fomenting the darkest possible revenge upon righteous usurpers until contracting lycanthropy and grotesquely disfigured by mind-enhancing fungal infection
10. Eldest god, diminished by laws of thermodynamics, attempts to undermine current reality and set new big bang in motion, builds containment module to sustain essence for special guest appearance in rebooted universe
11. Ascendant deity of Moral Relativism in super-impressive mortal guise, maintains terrible dungeon environment as proving ground for philosophical principles, adventurers and monsters mere lab animals in pitiless doctoral dissertation
12. Dead sorcerer's psyche inhabits incredibly muscular new body to resume interrupted unholy schemes and research, bash a few heads for good measure

Thursday, October 17, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Ten

d12
1. Dungeon Overlord's chief of staff, scarred around head where extra brains surgically crammed in, just called onto carpet for constant security breaches, flop sweat, offers unregistered guests cash bribe for immediate departure via secret passage to surface
2. Giant w/sledgehammer hand, sack of huge nails, takes down mummified remains of adventurers from display wall, cart load of freshies ready to go up
3. Renowned master thief in flowing cape, rumors of death greatly exaggerated, following mental collapse believes self to be ancient vampire
4. Wizard (out of spells) with nasty leg wound, recently defrocked cleric on the outs w/deity bleeding from face, drag limp armored form, rather chewed, certain they are pursued by actual Hounds of Hell
5. Dungeon Overlord's personal trainer in colorful skin-tight singlet, headband, vestigial bat wings, impeccably muscled body a high-tension wire, highly aggressive/volatile personality, no appreciable combat skills
6. Eccentric artist from surface, borne aloft by the ever-fluttering silk scarf of hovering, demonic significant other (jet-black, stunningly beautiful, porcupine quills instead of hair), lampoon the foibles of second half of D.O.'s super-armor design team (entry 7)
7. Evil dwarf armorer/engineer stomps around in huff, mutters about contacting union steward to get him out of the super-armor contract (see entry 6), huge adamant slide-rule beheads on critical hit
8. Recently revivified genocide-beetle scientist from ten million years in the past, tech advisor to D.O., oversees disinterment of paleogean death-science laboratory by devolved service beetles
9. Harem manager, towering androgyne, refugee from alien sphere destroyed in arcane incident, ninety-nine problems coming to head simultaneously, shredding documents with curving finger-claws, contemplates options, considering taking job with vampire lord in neighboring dungeon complex, knows semi-direct underworld route, needs bodyguards
10. Ghost of noted ancient philosopher/genius, policy advisor to D.O., insists (with all due politeness) adventurers follow to Overlord's chamber as proof positive of security issues
11. Surface monarch from nation thought to be bastion of good, full regal finery including many sparkling gems and luminous circlet of station, unsightly bite marks on neck (see entry 3), looking for security chief to file complaint
12. D.O.'s deep tissue massage therapist, grotesquely swollen land-kraken w/kindly human-like face, out-of-control drooling problem, tentacles strong enough to rip a man in half, simultaneously able to perform the most delicate of tasks

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Nine



d12
1. Partially stupefied giant, earmarked for cult sacrifice but now making a break for it, shaved, tattooed, diapered, envenomed darts sticking out of all parts north and south
2. The All Henchmen Brigade: loose confederation of various former hirelings gone rogue, opportunistic treasure scavengers, they hate adventurers above all
3. Chained to wall: entire party of adventurers formerly under the command of enlarged paladin on level eight
4. Iron clad Templar of Evil w/highly opinionated sentient greatsword chortles mirthlessly having just won a handsome purse in sadistic office wager
5. Purveyor of dark temple goods unpacks cases from payload area of giant pack ape, in stock: sacrificial blades of every size/shape, wicked skull-emblazoned raiment in assortment of garish colors, hallucinogenic incense, supersized tins of shelf-stable chicken blood, etc
6. Cult loremaster, frail, emaciated, head drooping under weight of giant ram's horns, reads from ambulatory lectern/land squid stacked with exceedingly rare tomes (of Chaos), automatically surprised, knows several death spells
7. Lava-man monarch, not quite sure about converting to cult despite being wined and dined, unimpressed with diabolical organization, more than happy to share opinions with strangers
8. Cult musical director, human shaped w/spider face, decked out in regal finery, paces on ceiling, hums to self composing strange, discordant fanfare for upcoming occasion: material advent of unspeakable deity
9. Crack squad of feral humanoid blowgun experts under command of famously missing surface criminal mastermind, trying to pick up the trial of partially stupefied giant (entry 1)
10. Former official tax collector for dungeon overlord, massive human form but whale skull for a head, huge luminous multifaceted eyes, stripped of authority after accusation of embezzlement, placidly awaits execution
11. Quite powerful sorcerer w/malfunctioning wand of teleportation, was aiming for subterranean kingdom beneath distant island, tries to get bearings without revealing utter cluelessness
12. Hulking cult executioner, mighty arm in sling, attended by faithful axe caddy, seeks out emergency healing in order to complete sacrifices required by ritual already in progress

Monday, October 14, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Eight



d12
1. Ten foot tall multi-tentacled service creature w/pleasant facial expression balances 2d4 trays loaded with exotic cocktails, glides toward nearby bacchanal, marsupial-like pouch stuffed with tips, unleashes stream of toxic bile if agitated
2. Drunk and disorderly demon princeling, fresh from making public ass of self in front of superiors, could possibly achieve redemption w/particularly tasty human sacrifice were one to present itself
3. Evil dramatist w/transparent skin and leathery wings works frantically on last minute revisions to short piece for imminent performance, reads out parts to self, weeping exasperated acid tears, willing to write in parts for adventurers who have that certain special something 
4. Wily expert thief hides in roast catoblepas carcass left to rest before service, waiting for opportunity to flee the scene w/bejewelled goblet enchanted to transmute wine into lethal poison
5. Enlarged paladin in black greasepaint w/impala horns glued to head pretends to be a demon guest but is sweating off his disguise, improvised faux-evil dialogue not so hot either, ready to create distraction according to plan already abandoned by cohorts
6. Ten foot tall multi-tentacled service creature relieved of duty after finishing off countless leftover beverages, bitter, vengeful, loopy, desperately needs new employers, built up toxic bile ready for discharge at even the slightest provocation
7. Breathless barbarian mouths pithy rebuke to so-called gods, smacking forehead with flat of gore-streaked two-handed sword, working up quite a froth before rushing headlong into battle against forces beyond barbarous comprehension
8. Noted surface sorcerer dripping with rings, talismans, charms, tries to look inconspicuous, whispers instructions to invisible companion, fiddles nervously with luminous wand topped with tiny human-like skulls
9. Horrified local monarch pales visibly reading over fine print on freshly signed contract, equally rattled court vizier attempts to get it together enough to read scroll of teleportation
10. Monster husbandry master attempts emergency surgical intervention on prone and gasping giant horror, recently hacked by barbarian (see entry 7), demonic owner looks on helplessly
11. Dealer with the face of a star-nosed mole readies displays of wicked armaments enchanted to smite the good, lawful, noble
12. High priest of surface temple webbed to corner chants feebly, still unbroken despite obvious abuse, crudely written sign at feet reads "please punch me in the face"

Saturday, October 12, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Seven

d12
1. Big game hunter answering call for same issued by resident quasi-lich who feels proliferation of ropers obscures view of attractive scintillant gas cloud effusing from paleogean fissure, neanderthal side-kick drags cart loaded with specialized anti-monster implements
2. Brewmaster general (half-drunk), muscles like steel bands due to hefting kegs day and night, mighty war-maul ready to smash any who interfere w/deliveries, equally mighty brew-apes (drunk) haul twelve varieties of craft beers and ales, each uniquely horrible
3. Unaccompanied sorcerer in striped raiment: all spells somehow bee-themed (ex: contact other hive, summon giant bee), bits of honeycomb in beard, likes to discuss all things apian pretty much exclusively, insufferable, abandoned by party when caught in web, royal jelly sampler w/variety of magical effects
4. Humanoid executive chef on rampage, tunic spattered w/remnants of deceased kitchen staff, rants in outrageous accent as great cleaver waves around menacingly, needs replacement staff instantly to complete dinner service for dungeon overlord and important guests
5. Necromancer's aide, exceptionally bright humanoid in black lab coat, did a quick loot of late master's chambers after terrible incident (see level six), laden with interesting items in large sack, makes bee-line for buyer on level eight
6. Masterful thief w/two broken legs crawling in shadows following unfortunate dispute with Brewmaster (entry 2), concealed scroll contains partial maps of levels 8-10)
7. Human from surface with fish symbol emblazoned on silk cape, dorsal fin helmet, elbow length black safety gloves, pushes hand truck with sealed leather bags containing live giant leeches for quasi-lich's aquarium
8. Evil gentleman of leisure w/armed-to-the-teeth undead manservant (zombie-like but very spry) makes notes in leather book, working on encyclopedia of underworld phenomena, seems friendly but dispenses nothing but intentionally misleading dungeon lore
9. Highly eligible troll maiden towers over throng of suitors pitching their nauseating woo, most she rebukes with verbal crudities, the more revolting she effortlessly tears limb from limb
10. Monster dentist brandishes official dungeon pass issued by overlord, terrifying tool kit, collection of weird monster teeth, needed for emergency extraction on level 10
11. Dungeon census official, tall and gaunt humanoid with pair of luminous ocular enhancers, takes information of any encountered, notifies tax collector (see level three) via telepathy of any unauthorized looters, carries rod of summary execution, squad of bloodthirsty ghoul attendants in war harness
12. Real estate developer for dungeon overlord, human shaped but covered in glistening ebon scales, blood-red forked tongue waggling provocatively during lulls in conversation, constant unsettling smile, shows empty rooms to vampire looking for new digs

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Six

d12
1. Gibbering warrior w/crazy eyes carries on about "the mouth in the shadows" while wandering aimlessly dragging 50' rope tied into hangman's noose
2. Powerful sorcerer, stripped of goods, nude but for sigil-inscribed underpants, huge bruised knot on forehead, still groggy after suffering recent KO at the hands of fellow adventurers
3. Ghost of former cleric just wants to talk for a minute about the good news, new revelation: the gods can (and must) be killed
4. Deeply evil but entirely reasonable witch wrapping up spell component gathering mission to nether corners of level, loaded w/various psychoactive fungi, willing to trade for interesting eldritchery
5. Radical cave giant in open revolt against dungeon powers-that-be issues rousing semi-intelligible political speech to any within earshot, will not be exploited again by dungeon autocracy, will hurl boulders only for the betterment of fellow underworld terrors
6. Unintentionally summoned demon chews necromancer haunch while taking leisurely walking tour of interesting dungeon locales
7. Paladin in semi-gleaming mail staggers a bit but looks fine until he raises his visor and its plain to see he's a walking dungeon plague vector
8. Noble surface-aristocrat-turned-expert-assassin on mission to destroy the radical cave giant (entry 5), but may actually agree w/rudimentary populism
9. Slight human form seems to be wearing shaggy sweater, no wait, its made of zillions of living chaos mosquitoes but don't worry, the being assures, they only eat a little
10. Radiant angelic form nailed to floor by iron spike through foot, bats eyelashes, politely asks for assistance
11. Wizard w/perhaps the tallest conical hat on record tries to bamboozle last healing potion from pair of wary fighters with carefully worded rationales, the lot of them multiply punctured by tiny bites of some kind
12. Warrior w/prehensile mustache, sole survivor of total party kill, willing to share location of museum loaded w/bejewelled statuary, doesn't mention that its also a breeding ground for weird chimera

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Five

d12
1. Tall fellow in high-collared black cloak looks like he wants to parley but then frog-like extensible tongue studded with razor-sharp obsidian starts darting about
2. Experimental horse-man (man-head grafted sloppily onto pony-body): escaped from lab, in search of man-horse last seen on level four and good sorcerer/surgeon
3. Noted sorcerer/surgeon, recently trampled (by entry 2), in state of general discombobulation, levitating at top speed on iron disk, every death spell available on the tip of tongue
4. General of recognizable surface force, practically aglow with enchanted arms/armor, en route to level ten under protection of brother-sister bodyguard team, each sibling master of complimentary martial art
5. World bodybuilding champion of the cave giants sporting truly staggering physique, in repose on litter borne by a platoon of ogres, eating elf-heads like grapes, separate platoon hauls portable workout rig, pretty sure everyone he sees is a big fan
6. Humanoid in hazmat suit w/insignia of sorcerer (see entry 3) runs about in a panic opening doors and screaming about "imminent core melt-down in the humanimal amalgamator"
7. Expert burglar suffering from magical amnesia can't recall where he got the face-melting wand, but doesn't feel at all comfortable about holding on to it
8. Smug warlock major domo leads crew of headless kung-fu zombies bearing broken body of escaped former paramour of celebrity witch, moving towards level four
9. Sword master from famous surface duelling school, identity shrouded by magic, hell bent on proposing marriage to medusa in nearby lair, ritual suicide blade oiled and ready in the event of rejection
10. Lone barbarian, unarmed after losing battle with pack of sphinx-dogs, lurks in shadows waiting for someone to amble by w/a huge axe or something
11. Gill-man Homeland Security Chief in dapper jellyfish leather parade dress, surrounded by personal guard, nervously makes way toward level ten anticipating assassination attempt at any moment
12. Pre-human king of antediluvian provenance, accidentally freed from stony imprisonment by interlopers from surface, flexes restored muscles by kicking the ass of anyone who happens by while mental faculties slowly come back on-line

Sunday, October 6, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Four

d12
1. Three identical clones of unknown wizard, naked but for bloodstained hands, flee madly from crime scene, beards still dripping with amniotic fluid, each have terrible eyes
2. Slender human with horse head, huge flaming glaive, stitches and staples visible at ragged neckline, totes bale of hay, satchel of sugar cubes, unable to speak but taps out messages with feet
3. Freelance torturer nervously brandishing official letter from dungeon overlord heads toward level ten to begin gig, cart load of implements hauled by undead manservant
4. High priest of heinous underworld cult in tattered vestments on deity-mandated apology tour after years of mismanagement/malfeasance
5. Gill-man police detective in jellyfish leather uniform and fluid-filled glass helmet hunts gill-man assassin last seen on level two
6. Giant termite queen of surprising intellect scopes out possible sites for depositing one zillion eggs
7. Warlock with magic rope and squad of charmed humanoids, tracks movements of escaped horse-head experiment (entry 2) with extreme caution
8. Victorian gentleman explorer from adjacent dimension seeks blacksmith to repair mole-tank abandoned on level five, just unloaded revolver into dog-sized miniature sphinx to excellent effect but currently unarmed
9. Barbarian w/quite impressive mutton-chops, countless arrows and spears protruding from fur-clad body, left for dead by party, wears ring of regeneration and will be coming around any moment
10. Former lawful warrior reincarnated as hideous dungeon pixie leaves dungeon in disgust via secret exit, complains bitterly about fellow dungeoneers, now exploring level 5
11. Purveyor of fine poisons with case handcuffed to wrist, escorted to celebrity witch's lair by squad of towering headless zombies
12. Synthetic humanoid, rejected for unanticipated level of hubris, escaped mass extermination then came across bodies of adventurers killed suddenly by poison gas, now wears cloak of concealment, carries stiletto enchanted to ignore armor, 2d4 exploding gems, small fortune in gold

Friday, October 4, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Three

d12
1. Psychic sculptor: telekinetically operates rather fearsome hammer and chisel, tags dungeon walls w/obscene bas relief
2. Celebrity witch rides headless giant bat at top speed through corridors pursued by throng of gibbering humanoid fans, clearly delighted with attention
3. Delivery-giant in smart uniform puzzles over location to drop off pallet load of canned processed human meat product
4. Exhausted but still hyper-competent humanoid gladiator w/bag full of personally severed heads looks for crooked and currently missing underworld bookie to settle accounts
5. Official tax collector for the dungeon overlord: massive humanoid with giant glowing multifaceted eyes, black armor of wrought meteoric iron, posse of heavily armed leech men, adventurers commanded to instantly remit thief tax calculated on the spot by quick visual assessment of means
6. Paladin in fire-blackened plate, once-glorious hairdo burned to scalp, eyebrowless, formerly booming basso voice reduced to choked whisper, smiles crazily and keeps repeating "it wasn't a dragon!"
7. Typically precocious dark elf children, clad in superb chitin mail, armed to teeth, scamper about setting experimental man-traps for a school project despite feeble protestations by local humanoids too terrified to fully assert themselves
8. Teleportation specialist wizard and gaggle of expert cut-throats congratulate one another on recent victory against troll, squabble about loot division
9. Human mercenary in skin tight action suit w/ rapier, dagger, armor-piercing specialist of the utmost skill, leads frail bald human in stained hospital gown w/power to detect gold at 120 feet
10. Dungeon serial killer concealed by magic-enhanced camouflage bides time waiting for ideal victim, can remain motionless for hours
11.The Sword of Inquiry, intelligent relic w/personality of a chat show host, cruises the dungeon under its own power of levitation, freed from locked trunk in troll hoard by adventuring crew (see entry 8), willing to team up with the right warrior but only after extensive interview process
12. Expert monster wrangler in safari outfit meets w/ghoulish dungeon banker to discuss security options for proposed branch, site currently infested with entirely disposable humanoid population

Thursday, October 3, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Two

d12
1. Magic-user w/flaming beard howls with mad laughter, barely able to walk, propped up by several sabre-toothed ape servitors, en route to level ten in great haste, adventuring rabble quite beneath contempt
2. Ogre field medic carrying black doctor's bag, extensive surface-war experience, will exchange dicey healing skills for cash, loves to dicker while patients bleed out
3. Underworld ranger moves noiselessly through dungeon on courier mission for petty boss, cuts down any who even momentarily impede progress, wax-sealed scroll contains pathetic plea for a couple of days worth of black lotus tar
4. The Masked Pamphleteer: exceedingly nimble, all-concealing ninja-like garb, glass globes filled with poison gas, flits about distributing latest anti-dungeon-hierarchy screed, slipping them beneath doors, leaving piles by watering holes, at pit bottom, etc.
5. Disembodied troll head painstakingly lips and tongues its way back to level three to rejoin the rest of its body, presumably still locked in combat with teleportation specialist and armed associates
6. Intelligent cephalopod in tank on litter borne by squad of fishman warriors discusses alliance with humanoid field marshals planning coup
7. Evil faith healer from underworld temple offers services in exchange for oaths of fealty/monetary sacrifice, cautions all re: highly unreliable new-fangled battlefield medicine as practiced by ogre (see entry 2)
8. Warrior with face melted by eldritch sorcery staggers to and fro senselessly, has no mouth but would love to warn adventurers of mind-bending dangers on level three
9. Intelligent giant lizard capable of speech attempts to convince adventurers to exterminate nearby colony of giant beetles with taste for intelligent lizard eggs, beetles keep getting more intelligent with every devoured clutch
10. Evil merchant with two black eyes and blood streaming from nose staggers in a panic, carrying on about ruination, fleeing confrontation w/extremely dissatisfied vampire customer, travel sack loaded with concentrated wealth
11. Multi-talented entertainer with cadre of hangers-on dragging trunks full of costumes, musical instruments, theatrical props, flees toward secret passage to surface, subject to summary execution following seditious portrayal of dungeon overlord
12. Gill-man in jellyfish leather togs and fluid-filled glass dome helmet w/wicked black trident walks razor-tusked walrus on retractable tether while chatting with star-struck gaggle of humanoid royals about assassinating intelligent cephalopod from entry 6.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level One

d12
1. High level wizard in full regalia, torn, blood-spattered, black-feathered arrows in back, out of spells, dazed and desperate, clutches still-smoking wand of fireballs with single charge remaining
2. Mystic levitating in lotus position, zooms through dungeon in search of (presumed dead) acolyte charmed into joining band of upstart scoundrels, issues brief but trenchant verbal dressing-down to any adventurers
3. Furious pirate captain w/squad of the vilest sea-dogs conducts brutal search for pick-pocket who slithered below with enchanted sextant, cutlasses drip with vital fluids of the last one to refuse questioning
4. Ogre with new found culinary passion has no interest in dispatching surface dwellers despite extremely ferocious appearance, will trade notched war axe for wine/spices/cooking equipment, found dead body of acolyte (see entry 2) and wants to do something really special with it
5. Impaled warrior still on feet despite near-total blood loss thinks he remembers where he dropped a sack of huge gems
6. Junior thieves hide in shadows while moving silently having stolen the kobold czar's silver circlet as part of an initiation ritual, unfortunately for them the relic glows powerfully through any wrapping
7. Mayor of nearby town in false mustache and cloak w/giant bodyguard (hairless and mute but just rippling with bone-cracking muscles), dismissed from latest mandatory secret meeting with dungeon overlord, human sacrifice demands doubled
8. Barbarian w/gore-smeared bastard sword goes to great lengths to get adventurers to indicate direction of exit while concealing total bewilderment, suggestions that he might be lost illicit foaming over-reaction
9. Quite powerful witch from across the way (accompanied by pair of towering headless kung-fu zombies) awaits arrival of local celebrity witch, irritation increases with each passing minute
10. Knight with crumpled helm and caved-in cuirass crawls toward the exit muttering about the "fist from below"
11. Thief concealing enchanted sextant (see entry 3) rushes to lower levels to meet underworld connections, knows secret way through the Corridor of Twenty Traps
12. Swarm of dark elf children tethered together by neck-harnesses scamper about snake-like having escaped their keeper, a ghastly troll hag now desperate enough to ask surface folk for assistance

Monday, September 30, 2013

Wandering Vampires

d12
1. Gyrnos of Antedeluvia, vampire sage: so ancient/hideous he stays enshrouded by ebon wrappings, dedicated to accumulation of knowledge but also very very thirsty, allows adventurers to bargain for lives by telling him something he doesn't already know, zero sense of humor remaining
2. Trio of blood sucking dolts: hapless goofballs in mortal life, still mentally negligible in undeath, sleep crammed into single coffin they carry around with them, duped by even the most ludicrous ruse
3. Sister Zrinlava: former high priestess of lawful cult now cruising around the underworld in full-blown spiritual crisis, begs any adventurer-clergy for purification while weeping pitifully, inevitable failure followed by explosive rage
4. Yolo Tensalian, once a thief: skills honed by centuries of aimless pick-pocketry, carries random assortment of recently harvested treasures w/special emphasis on key-rings, not averse to parley for own amusement, devastating back-of-the-neck attack
5. Bat-face Boros: unable to fully master shape change ability, attempts to compensate by maintaining impeccably fashion forward image, collection of baroque masks, feeds only upon the stunningly beautiful
6. Dr. Satirion: in guise of benevolent wandering phlebotomist, exchanges valuable dungeon tips for pints, 50% chance of feeding frenzy if anyone actually agrees to terms
7. Gaggle of recently created vampires, bored aristocrats from nearest metropolis, search in vain for master who regrets this particular binge deeply, dodges them and will pay adventurers to see to their destruction
8. The Vampire Connoisseur: may choose to feed upon party member in exquisite physical condition but most filthy murderhoboes beneath consideration, eager to make finger-wagging presentation complete with diet and exercise recommendations to improve health and render blood suitable for consumption
9. Mujisto, vampire politician: silver-tongued devil travels from domain to domain, outlining semi-visionary plans for uniting factions into unstoppable coalition, burgeoning fan-base, assassinating him wins favor with evil princelings and petty bosses
10. Prala the former scullery maid: just wants to follow the party around meekly until such time as one of them perishes, then savage feeding, thorough tidying
11. Strax, art vampire: locked into obsessive behavioral cycle where he roams the underworld fiefdoms, indulges tyrants and top-dogs with self-aggrandizing portraiture, then eats them, lately word has gotten around, perhaps the party would like a group shot to commemorate their delve?
12. Blargon the Vampire Barbarian: naked but for fur action shorts, iron thews visible through semi-translucent skin crisscrossed with scars, gore-soaked battle axe, easily offended

Friday, September 27, 2013

Knights Best Avoided

d12
1. Sir Blagdor the Irrepressible: hyper-alert for anything remotely resembling a challenge, likes to strip off armor for bare-knuckle brawling, Greco-Roman wrestling, wears bejewelled championship girdle of ogre power
2. The Knight of Green Malaise, cursed to constantly exude verdant mist of somnolence, emerges from preternatural lassitude whenever PC warriors begin to come into their strength and need knocking down a peg or two, returns to mystic lair for a good fortnight's slumber
3. Sir Chandox, clandestine relationship with shipping guild and several other commercial enterprises, pursues quests as suggested by board of trustees to maximize war profiteering opportunities
4. Sir Orostu, the elephant-riding knight: serves the Lords of the Savannah and honors them by challenging all comers to exceedingly lopsided jousts, Guanto the elephant wields massive flail w/trunk
5. Ignossus of the Waxing Moon: very tall, slender, hairless and gray w/pale yellow armor, claims to act on behalf of lunar monarchy to defeat and demoralize earth men, spouts off about coming invasion and makes elegant arguments for humankind to just throw in the towel
6. Sir Farsifal the Lecherous: clumsy practitioner of courtly love, instantly smitten by undying devotion again and again, ruthlessly terminates perceived rivals, enemies everywhere
7. Sir Nosar the hill giant knight: created by highly irresponsible monarch just to increase regional mayhem, clad in fabulously huge custom plate, jousts unmounted, notches in ebon club indicate unmatched duelling record
8.  The Knight Impostor: unknown champion of chaos w/illusionist ally, huge collection of helmets, shows up in guise of famous knights (or PC warriors) to sow confusion and sully reputations
9. Sir Hedrick the Clueless: incredible self-confidence matched only by intellectual limitations, seldom comprehends current situation but always pretends to, famously gullible, hapless patsy in many outrages engineered by the wicked, speech consists entirely of catchphrases picked up over the years
10. Sir Throndos, Champion of the Accused: misguided sense of justice, demands trial by arms to prove innocence of even the demonstrably evil, really quite good at most types of fighting
11. Sir Haknoth the Insufferable: humility snuffed out by unbroken string of victories, you know he's boasting wildly if his lips are moving, trolling for duels 24/7, colossal mace, bad breath
12. The Dead Knight: seemingly animated by pure devotion to duty, continues to serve crown and country despite having fallen in battle long, long ago, martial skill unaffected by advanced state of decomposition

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Just Getting In the Dungeon is Brutal

d12
1. Must drain chalice of hot poison for magical entry, saving throw required
2. Via the Queen's magic mirror which leads to the dragon's magic mirror, wherever he's keeping it these days
3. Teleported in by anointing head with the blood of the Ogre Czar
4. Pass through permanent dimension door at the top of a 1000 meter tree
5. Locate dungeon door only in dream state induced by exceedingly rare cave fungus that grows on hell hound droppings
6. Leap through the top floor window in the Spider-lich's spire
7. Mega-swarm of moon moths provide lift to cloud door if first charmed by series of elaborate rituals w/plenty of dancing and blood sacrifice
8. Navigate reeking sewer-maze beneath the city of extinct titans
9. Only known entrance at the base of inverted pyramid on the moon
10. An arch-devil must agree to show you the way
11. Unlocked door in the wall of cavern thousands of feet beneath the ocean surface, ancestral burial ground of the intelligent cephalopods
12. Monumental excavation effort requiring huge labor force toiling night and day for months, all the while terror-mummies claw their way up from the deep sands

Monday, September 23, 2013

It's in the Unmarked Barrel

d12
1. Pickled adventurer, fully equipped, reactivated by removal from (reusable) suspension-brine
2. Dwarf hands in aspic intended for delivery to ogre pot-luck
3. Shrieker spores: enough to choke several dungeons with the fungal menaces
4. Black pudding! No, wait, its just super-condensed balsamic-type vinegar, sweet, unctuous, worth a small fortune to the right buyer
5. Super-premium virgin blood, slightly clotted
6. Preserved cave fish, theoretically edible but the unholy stench sticks to everything it touches pretty much forever
7. Shelf-stable red dragon bile, entire barrel dipped in wax, immolates on exposure to air
8. Maturing red pepper mash of the most blisteringly spicy variety
9. Thirty-seven ancient ghosts, imprisoned with enchanted sigils on inside of lid
10. Hemlock fizz intercepted en route to philosophers' convention
11. Powdered quick-dry cement with cask of activator fluid nearby
12. Fermented cave mollusk beverage used by stone giants for its mild hallucinogenic propeties, humans who sample the brew sit down and never get up again

Saturday, September 21, 2013

NPC Encounters: Deep Forest

d12
1. Yarth Creedle, famous bounty hunter with 100% success record: lost, starving, delusional, seeking elusive pixie war criminal for a faerie tribunal, grill full of gold teeth, rod of fugitive detection out of charges
2. The Levitating Hermit: singular power of geas to compel tough-looking strangers to seek his wayward hermit-bride on the far side of the forest, homebrewed potion to cure her current state of murderous insanity
3. Ungbelly the panacea purveyor: half-pixie snake oil salesman with cart full of random potions, cure-alls, balms, salves, unguents, got high on own supply, abandoned by hirelings, hiding from vicious goblin creditors
4. Blang the intelligent T-rex: distended skull with Frankensteinian scars/bolts/staples, network of paths beaten into hunting grounds surrounding fancy bower bird-like nest, attempts communication using chewed log as stylus for drawing in dirt, only requires one party member or beast of burden in exchange for safe passage
5. Epimentus the All-Wise: clad only in his own expansive beard, charismatic guru to gaggle of tree house dwelling hunter-gatherers (city folk swept up in back to nature movement), recently fallen on hard times, needs cutthroats to assist in maintaining communal harmony by silencing doubters
6. Aquedayn Slowneedle: lives in petrified tree trunk, able to divine future through automatic tattooing on knowledge seekers, the more information desired, the greater percentage of the body must be inked, 100% chance of infection
7. Vivishek: toga clad philosopher ape, leaps onto scene spoiling for a good debate, has variety of spells ready to augment his arguments
8. Buzhwa Tightpurse: merchant prince abducted by bugbears, chewed through bonds to escape, tattered finery corroborates claims of opulence, offers hefty reward for escort to nearby metropolis where he will assassinate his father for failure to pay ransom in a timely fashion
9. Juku: man born with prehensile tail, left society in disgust following lifelong persecution by tail-haters, taken in by forest apes but recently left them in disgust as well, seeks thrills, deadly accuracy with blowgun
10. Halulla, high priestess to gaggle of peace-loving nudist vegetarians in thrall to petty forest deity, subsist by gathering herbs from supernaturally fertile zone protected by giant ring of anti-monster brambles, deity requires single human sacrifice monthly to become one with the loam via transubstantiation ritual
11. Jumwal the forest imp: three feet tall, six feet w/conical wizard hat, travelling salesman of stuff taken from lost caravans, rides/protected by charmed giant python loaded with crates, yodels out musical price list while cruising along fearlessly
12. Okham the Razor: super-competent assassin drummed out of guild and marked for death following violation of needlessly complex regulations, sent by Hofnor Tightpurse to preemptively rub out his missing son (see entry 8)