The Oracle has Bad News

d12
1. Despite your 10 ft. pole, you shall perish alone in a pit
2. In the blackest abyss you will understand that man cannot eat gold
3. Mark well your lover, who secretly hungers for the blood of the living
4. Your end comes slowly in the belly of a hungry god
5. Just after your greatest triumph you shall be blasted to tiny bits
6. A short scrawny man, naked but for loincloth and dagger, will totally hand you your ass
7. Those jewels are glass
8. An indescribable horror will be your only companion
9. You shall writhe in perpetual torment in a personal hell of your own choosing
10. You must kill your friends before something worse happens
11. Your own arms and armor shall betray you
12. The oracle has determined you are fated to trigger the apocalypse, pretends the future is too cloudy to read, notifies team of assassins as soon as you leave the premises