Monday, August 13, 2018

Mementos on Display in the Dungeon Overlord's Sanctum

Unrelated pic of a man-ape demigod from
Odious Uplands


d12
1. Collection of severed heads, various states of decomposition, lacquered, mounted at eye level, arrangement leads through sanctum to bed/sarcophagus like seductive trail of rose petals (of evil)
2. Giant stone coin takes up whole corner of chamber, currency of extinct weird titan civilization, used in previous epoch by evil sorcerer as down payment to Industrious Humanoids on dungeon construction, stolen back after murderous double-cross (as explained on informational plaque) 
3. Patch of living turf, grass, decorative plants from Overlord's once-bucolic native land (now a blasted hellscape), bathed in magical sunlight, lovingly tended with nice set of garden tools
4. Cheap trophy from adolescence for Best Eviscerator in conspicuously empty trophy case
5. Bleached dragon skull with mother's fabulous magic sword still embedded in cheek, bits of mother still present between teeth, converted to hold candles as per chandelier, suspended above dining table 
6. Entire party of adventurers taxidermied in group action pose on raised dais w/dramatic lighting
7. Bathysphere from adjacent dimension, alien conditions maintained within, occasionally weird faces press up against the foggy porthole, used to be great conversation piece, now Overlord drapes guests' cloaks over it
8. Overlord bronzed own hand, hung it on the wall after it was severed in unholy pact with famous demon (later replaced with animatronic prosthetic)
9. Chunk of frozen lightning on pedestal, gift from over-amorous sorcerer acquaintance
10. Enshrined in display case: rod and whip from evil father's child rearing kit
11. Bodies of all dungeon pets preserved in walk-in freezer, organized in chronological order, get more horrible as time goes on
12. Painstakingly detailed kill diary records history of Overlord's many, many murders, diagrams and hand-scrawled illustrations throughout, left out openly on coffee table to invite perusal

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Dying Utterances, The Wizard

He will not be missed


Battered ruthlessly by the adventurers after losing initiative, the wizard goes down, writhes momentarily in an expanding pool of hit points on the spattered dungeon floor, takes in what must be a final breath, then gestures feebly for you to come closer and heed these final words....

d12
1. "The scroll...teleport coordinates to secret lair...they are trapped....save them...CHOKE"
2. "You must find my daughter...and destroy her before its too late....GAK!"
3. "My turncoat henchman has the keys to the dungeon....URRKKH!"
4. "Do not sell this ring under any circumstances! YOU MUSTN'T....blearghhh..."
5. "They will come for me now....THE DOORWAY! THE DOORWAY! uhhhhh....hhh"
6. "Harvest my brain and take it to the Tower of Science. They will reward you.....(shudder)"
7. "Fools! I was actually Lawful Good...hack...sputter"
8. "The open volume on the pedastal...close it quickly...don't look-k-k-kkkkhhhh"
9. "I'm sure you can't wait to search my body...well go ahead, thieves (explodes)."
10. "Excellent, excellent, the change comes over me now...immortality is mine (eyes turn red)."
11. "I've set my spell book to self destruct unless you answer its three pain-in-the-ass riddles....heh heh...eh...h"
12. "I must tell you (wheeze),,,the demon's (gasp) name..(cough)...his name is...(death rattle)"

Monday, August 6, 2018

Not Actively Trying to Kill You in the Swamp



d12
1. Polite leeches attempt to strike bargain, claim to provide healing of minor wounds in exchange for small blood meals
2. The Bathing Folk loll about listlessly up to their necks in the muck, fish with toes, only say stupid things
3. Methane powered rocket shrimp explode from surface at high velocity when started, then come down gracefully aided by spiraling propeller tails
4. Plumber gnomes wear hip waders, run pipes to and fro beneath the surface to channel mucks, mires, bogwaters, sloughs about for a purpose only they know
5. Hypo-lilies dissuade unwanted approaches with sudden spinning, strobing prismatic emissions
6. There is a protected cove to which a star descends from the heavens each morning to sleep, stars know well and can tell of the past, present, and future with equal alacrity
7. Hidden colony of gastronomes convinced the diverse bounty of the swamp provides greatest culinary adventure
8. Society of intelligent parasites occupies a great burrow, await the return of their ages-gone host, a colossal primordial crocodile, in the meantime they've developed agriculture
9. Sessile in maturity, thousand-tongued frogs are all that stand between biting fly-induced intolerable misery and certain death by biting fly
10. Bog horses: giant catfish follow a predictable daily migratory pattern, don't mind or notice human-sized creatures hopping on board
11. Swamp penguins of stark green and white fling themselves down muddy embankments, spear fish/fight off threats with one of three distinct beak shapes: fauchard, glaive, glaive-guissarme
12. The Mother of All Ducks

Friday, August 3, 2018

(Mostly) Harmless Denizens of the Weird Forest



In the strange lands devoid of squirrel, chipmunk, bunny, mole, vole, mouse, deer, moose, fox, or raccoon.

d12
1. Arboreal armadillos scramble up and down treetrunks with impossible nimbleness
2. Tiny forest pachyderms trumpet and stampede to little effect
3. Wingless pixies swing around from tree to tree like tiny Tarzans
4. Semi-boneless cats slither around swiftly with nominal aid from adorable vestigial paws
5. Tree cucumbers extrude their stomachs rudely, like getting licked by a horse
6. Mouse-sized shell-less turtles in their hordes nibble indiscriminately on this and that, move in concert like flock of birds
7. Brightly hued nectar sipping honey bats abide in their tree-top hives, behavior guided by their noble queen
8. In the fall and winter huge fuzzy cuddly caterpillars gnaw down great oaks beaver-like, in the spring and summer huge kite-winged firefly moths illuminate the wood
9. Monkey-wrench apes descend nightly to obsessively disassemble anything wrought by human hands (including unstitching garments, uncorking wine), then laugh about it until just before dawn
10. Arm-length mantises keep a respectful distance while munching the heads off of wingless pixies, at night they play their wings like violins
11. Forest clams mimic tree fungus until prey animals perch on their open shells, also known to throw surprise muscle punches at humans who get too close/screw up their action
12. Rat-sized stink pigs contentedly oink, reek while scavenging, harbor perverse affection for iron rations

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

I Didn't Know Elves Could Do That



Random Elf Powers
d12
1. Following a full 10 minutes of uninterrupted meditation, able to levitate 6" off ground in lotus position
2. Charm up to 1d4 squirrels, chipmunks, bunnies, mice, moles, voles, shrews, or hamsters (saving throw applies) once daily
3. Glean adequate nutrition from diet of rough vegetation as per grazing herbivore due to 1d4 extra stomachs
4. Adept at semi-useless slight of hand skills i.e. the old coin in the ear trick
5. Command human children once daily (saving throw applies)
6. Start small fires using only dry kindling and their mind
7. Speak with bugs despite their almost complete lack of anything interesting to say
8. Take on convincing human personae as per method actor, but must stay in character all the time like Daniel Day Lewis until insufferable
9. Appear to win arguments with humans using bewildering elf logic
10. When available, able to ride dolphins like Sea World act
11. Change skin, eye, hair color overnight at whim, may also grow super-long beard overnight for dumb laughs
12. Never have to visit the privy