Sunday, September 9, 2012

Automatic Evil Army Field Marshal Generator

Instructions: Roll once on each table below, rationalize results, savor fear in players' eyes.

Table A: Draft animal(s)
1. Team of giant stag beetles
2. Giant tortoise outfitted for battle
3. Team of pterodactyls
4. Blind cave Walrus, tremendous, echolocation
5. War rhino
6. Tusked behemoth
7. Giant Stag, black, fire-breathing
8. Team of mule spiders
9. Team of stone boys
10. Demon yak
11. Team of huge warthogs
12. Team of lobotomized muscle dudes

Table B: Conveyance
1. Combat sleigh
2. Battle cart
3. War wagon
4. Armored rickshaw
5. Chariot
6. Sledge
7. Siege tower
8. Train of war wagons
9. Tactical hover platform
10. Attack throne, wheeled
11. Land yacht
12. Panzerkampfwagen E-100, out of fuel

Table C: Rider
1. Two-headed dwarf with lightning powered cat-o-nine tails
2. Praying mantis-man in space armor w/laser gun
3. Frost giant witch w/blazing war fork
4. Huge ape body w/surgically attached head of renowned weapons master
5. Man-shape composed of thousands of bats
6. Wizard brain encased in robot cuttlefish body
7. Four-armed troll in fireproof action suit
8. Impossibly muscled man, radar dish where head should be, rips men asunder w/bare hands
9. Wizard with giant mutant brain under anti-gravity dome to support soft tissue proliferation
10. Cluster of huge floating eyeballs connected by demi-material mist
11. Intelligent evil bear in high-collared cape, dinosaur skull helmet, power ring
12. Giant clockwork warrior in black armor controlled from within by world's most diabolically clever little girl


  1. A war rhino pulling a sledge with a renown weapons master's head on an ape body. Love it.

  2. A flying chariot pulled by a pack of pterodactyls ... with a renown weapons master's head on an ape body, too.
    Maybe that's the thing for evil armies at the moment.

  3. Muscle monster man riding of a beat up panzer pulled by a team of Stone boys. That's pretty fantastic. Were gonzo table, I clap my hands in glee!

  4. Hmm . . . a black, fire-breathing Giant Stag pulling a giant clockwork warrior in black armor (controlled from within by the world's most diabolically clever little girl) in a wheeled attack throne.

    . . . I think I just found my next Big Bad.