OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Under the Floorboards of the Abandoned Shack

d12
1. Service entrance to the goblin bowling alley
2. Trap door to secret chaos temple doing the hard sell w/local man-ape population: great stockpiles of poor iron weapons, great vats of the thinnest gruel, crude unholy symbols and idols for free distribution
3. Crop of psio-active fungi and slug-man farmer in the employ of wealthy sorcerer
4. Refugee encampment of displaced dungeon pixies in search of new digs, starving, wretched, still vicious
5. Mouldering skeletons and earth-bound spirits: victims of long dead serial killer whose hateful spirit still stalks the countryside
6. Sizable fragment of clay tablet w/cuneiform directions to ancient king's burial mound, tantalizing descriptions of royal grave goods, dire warnings about undead crocodiles
7. Shaft descends, terminates in vast water-filled cavern, ceiling marred by rather large claw marks
8. Disused access tunnel to gray dwarf mine shaft, breached from below and filled with lethal gas
9. 1d12 ghouls sleeping off a bout of epic gluttony, upside: you've found the missing couriers!
10. Indescribable stench emanating from peculiar iridescent stain in the earth: demi-living remains of extradimensional entity, still capable of possessing minds for its own amusement
11. Heavy stone slab covering crypt w/desecrated sarcophagus containing inert vampire w/stake through heart
12. Deceased super-hero's underground headquarters

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Eldritch Side-kicks

d12
1. Grim squire of the Anti-paladin: does most of his master's fighting with his mighty extensible barbed tentacles
2. High Priest's butler, unaffiliated with any religion, ready, willing and able to carry out Machiavellian imperatives behind the scenes
3. Youthful ward of the Masked Sorcerer, highly skilled in magically-assisted backstabbery
4. Dragon's attendant/bodyguard: bright young troll ruthlessly conditioned to respond instantly and decisively to widely varied sets of stimuli
5. Man-ape chief's pampered war-gorilla-on-a-leash
6. Junior associates of the lich: coven of extremely venerable magic users clinging so frail they must use magic for everything e.g. Tenser's Floating Hospital Bed
7. Wizard-king's faithful hound w/human head (harvested from deceased favored servant)
8. Vampire plutocrat's personal stylist/victim acquisition specialist: unpaid internship w/the possibility of full vampirization following probationary period
9. Master thief's squadron of imp associates, former servitors of evil wizard yielded to thief in extortion scheme
10. Dwarf lord's enlightened giant badger, eternally grateful for rescue from demon's menagerie
11. Demon prince never leaves home without infernally-engineered man-servant/scholar/master chef/omnilinguist/martial arts expert
12. Stalwart if otherwise nondescript man-at-arms, alerted to dangers and morale bolstered by ever-vigilant ghost parents

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dungeon Geniuses

d12
1. Telepathic giant spider with preternatural charm and persuasiveness: does what spiders do but with 100% cooperation from all fellow denizens subject to bamboozlement
2. Caveman who split the atom using only advanced mathematics of his own invention: hunted by sorcerers seeking to exploit talents
3. Stone giant sculptor of undeniable originality and talent, gallery after gallery of breathtaking non-representational works hewn from marble and granite
4. Dungeon pixie of exceptional intellect, arcane mastery equal to magic user of the highest order, has tiny spell book crammed full of unique spells
5. Man-ape with mutant cerebral development: covered vast cavern walls with incredibly elaborate pictographs of his Rube Goldberg machine-based technological breakthroughs, exiled from clan for aberrant nerdiness
6. Living vapor, coalesced just after the origin of the universe, currently incarcerated by wizard: 99% of knowing the answer to any given question, wants its freedom
7. Slug-man w/magically enhanced intelligence acts as oracle, using superior logic and reason to predict future outcomes with a high degree of reliability
8. Brilliantly insightful serpent man prophet spreads salvation with the swords of his disciples
9. Flesh golem with half a brain hemisphere online: now that its creator is dead, dedicated to elucidating the post-human condition through poetry
10. Giant siliconian worm: consumed crashed alien spacecraft and subsequently assimilated the knowledge of digested computer banks, loaded with cosmic wisdom
11. Escaped scholar/tutor lich, created by sorcerer as research assistant, now obsessed its own unfulfilled academic ambitions
12. Ogre that always wanted to be smart found ring w/three wishes, two remaining

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Ravaging the Local Grain Fields

d12
1. The mother of all locusts
2. Nocturnal visitations by the Sky-herd
3. Airborne squadrons of witches distributing shrivel-dust: campaigning for human sacrifice arrangement w/local authorities
4. Cabal of farmhands led by doppelganger incognito as labor agitator
5. Life-syphoning divine embryo gestating in the earth's crust: attended by cultists via secret network of tunnels
6. Blight spirits cackling gleefully in mockery of humanity's efforts to get it together
7. Herbivorous puddings camouflaged by wheat-like waving tendrils
8. Sorcerer requires one zillion calories to feed experimental brood of super-soldiers
9. Mass influx of famished refugees from neighboring fiefdom beset by devil's curse
10. Plague of crows led by enlightened individual of unusual size: coordinated attacks against all comers
11. Rats w/bat wings, escapees from sorcerer's bio-lab
12. The earth itself revolts, denying sustenance to its overpopulous children, the gods impotent, catastrophe imminent, sorcerers set to task of large scale dimensional evacuation

Monday, September 24, 2012

Spanning the Underworld Chasm

d12
1. Giant arcing termite nest complete with miniature ecosystem (fungi, lichens, giant aphids, micro-puddings, etc.)
2. 3-rope bridge hastily contrived and abandoned by adventuring party now dead to a man
3. Sturdy bridge crafted from single dried stalk of titanic fungus
4. Gondola suspended on steel cables operated by winch and pulley system, currently occupied by crazed cannibalistic hermit
5. Mechanical toll-drawbridge/mini-fortress full of murder holes, manned by exceedingly well-armed deep dwarf clan
6. Trolls just use the catapults on either side
7. Rope guided para-sailing gear & magical wind generator stored inside nigh-impregnable lockers
8. There's this semi-friendly giant with an excellent throwing arm
9. Fossilized mythic-sized spiderweb left over from the eldest days
10. Rough bridge of volcanic rock: composed of self-sacrificed bodies of countless lava-men
11. Shimmering spectral arch made of ever-howling ghosts and soul-matter fused and shaped by a wicked sorcerer thinking only of his own convenience
12. Coils of a primordial dragon petrified by the powers of its victorious demigod rival, stairs and footpaths worn in after centuries of use, said to predate the chasm itself

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Helms to Astonish


d12
1. Closed helm featuring faceplate shaped as grotesque caricature of cherubic infant face, enchanted to emit piercing wails that disrupt enemies as confusion spell
2. Black steel skull cap w/ bat ears, grants wearer echolocation sense at will
3. Huge bronze dome fashioned in the image of convoluted cerebral tissues: enhances intellect, allows comprehension of ancient languages
4. Scorpion-shaped helm w/animated stinger that fires 3 unerring magic missiles daily
5. Steel cap of occular enhancement: array of monocles mounted on multiple swivel arms provide variety of optical lenses (telescopic, microscopic, night vision, see invisible, etc.)
6. Turtle shell helm of cowardice: enchantment allows user to disappear into the confines of extra-dimensional shell, protected as globe of invulnerability
7. Architect's helm: obelisk-shaped, grants ability to intuit layout of structures, sense thickness of walls, inclines/declines, enhances secret door detection, etc.
8. Helm of Mastery: steel eyeball encloses head, projects mind-control rays from hypno-wheel iris
9. Truth helm: shaped as Devo energy dome, wearer automatically detects lies/deception/sees through obfuscation
10. Invisible helm: separated from ancient hero's suit of invisible plate, gives appearance of headlessness
11. Closed helm w/elongated pig snout: allows wearer to smell through doors, detect truffles
12. Live armadillo-like creature clings tenaciously to head, gives tactical advice, provides encouragement, sacrifices self to protect wearer from otherwise deadly blow

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Hireling Reactions 3: Massive Casualties

d12
1. Even grimmer determination
2. Buoyed by fatalistic mores, now more fatalistic than ever
3. Frankly, just happy to be alive
4. Steady, but makes note to renegotiate contract
5. Visibly shaken, sweaty, pale, +1 to future rolls
6. Alternately skittish and morose, given to speechifying on the senselessness of it all
7. Barely able to contain mounting urge to flee, "Game over, man!"
8. Bitter, issues scathing criticism of leadership
9. Uncontrollable outpouring of grief/horror w/much wailing and gnashing
10. Gives notice of immediate retirement, turns in crappy equipment given by PCs
11. Deserts at first opportunity
12. Total defiance, mutiny

Die modifiers:
+1 to roll if treated with typical disregard by employers
-1 to roll if mollified by inspirational oratory by charismatic PC

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Hireling Reactions 2: Sudden Riches

d12
1. Suitably impressed w/employer's dungeon acumen: loyalty assured
2. Joyful, ebullient fist-pumping in expectation of juicy bonus
3. Selfless, dispassionate demeanor conceals dissatisfaction w/current contract
4. Visibly drooling w/enhanced avarice
5. Believes self deserving of magic item for troubles
6. Open grumbling about wages/risk ratio
7. Actively looking for opportunity to steal
8. Demands raise, discrete union talk w/fellow retainers
9. Feels it imperative to cancel the rest of the mission to assure safe return w/loot
10. Conspiratorial muttering and scheming, foments mutiny
11. Treasure fever: prepared to fight for fair share and then some
12. Murderous gold madness

Die modifiers:
+1 to roll if callously denied wage enhancement after striking it rich, ill treatment by employers
-1 to roll if contract clearly specifies payment terms in the event of heaps of treasure

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Hireling Reactions 1: Mind-bending Terror

d12
1. Laughs heartily in the face of cosmic horror
2. Steady as she goes, admirably composed
3. Holding it together, but just barely
4. Bug-eyed and flabbergasted for 1d6 minutes
5. Brief loss of bodily function control
6. Senseless gibbering for 1d6 minutes
7. Slack-jawed catatonia for 1d6 minutes
8. Must be slapped to stop screaming
9. Bereft of reason for 1d6 minutes
10. Blind, unceasing flight toward familiar territory, will murder anyone in the way
11. Howling madness of the permanently disabling variety
12. Drops stone dead of fright

Die modifiers:
 +1 to roll if exposed to prior terrors, casualties, brazen meat-shielding of other hirelings
-1 to roll if equally terrified of employer, substantial bonus to wages offered

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Army of Evil 4: Special Forces

d12
1. Anti-wizard assassin squad, magically hasted and invisible
2. Freelance dragon and his platoon of pterosaur myrmidons
3. Subterranean worm commandos
4. Kamikaze giant bats w/bellies full of alchemist's fire
5. Catapult-launched ogre paratroopers
6. Trebuchet-launched trolls (no parachutes required)
7. Anti-hero long range barbed net launcher crew
8. Giant frogs that leap behind enemy lines, disgorge cackling imp saboteurs
9. Broomstick riders transmitting mass curses while remaining just beyond missile range
10. Warrior giants temporarily polymorphed into normal infantrymen
11. Snake-haired gorgon w/company of blind bodyguards
12. Mercenary samurai of preternatural speed and skill: has already switched sides several times and may actually be engineering this whole battle for his own purposes

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Army of Evil 3: Cavalry and Air Support

d12
1. Devil-baboon javelin experts astride armored smilodons
2. Tricera-turtles w/shell payload area loaded with evil pixie stormtroopers
3. Giant bats with sonic paralysis attack and gremlin bombardiers
4. Battle-imps riding giant sidewinders
5. Flying polyps that extrude mobile semi-independent attack cysts
6. Tusked pachyderms piloted by spider archers
7. Winged man-devils brandishing extremely long lances enchanted with magic missiles
8. Unmanned drones operated by wizard recently returned from the 21st century
9. Chaos crows w/random breath weapon and four sets of talons
10. Aerosquid squadrons releasing clouds of corrosive gaseous ink
11. Debased, brain-washed Valkyries riding foul bat-winged reanimate steeds
12. Sorcerers in uniform pointy hats and high-collared capes flying in formation, brains swollen with the wickedest war spells

Friday, September 14, 2012

Army of Evil 2: Heavy Infantry

d12
1. Rabid bull apes with chain mail tunics and war bludgeons
2. Highly trained and disciplined phalanx of ogres in full hoplite gear
3. Bipedal chaos bears in field plate w/mammoth steel battle claws
4. Iron clad evil war priests w/unholy water sprinklers
5. Disgraced paladins deranged by mind-control drugs
6. Veteran Battle Shoggoth, genocide division
7. Hard-bitten division of armored simulacrae of famous champions of good
8. Stone giant whirling dervishes with full plate leg armor: much leaping and stomping
9. Corrosive, incendiary living vapors from another sphere who delight in wanton slaughter
10. Once-noble knights from the half-forgotten golden age of humanity (shabbily reanimated)
11. Owlbears in shock-training collars operated remotely by specialist wranglers
12. Bamboozled spaceship troopers shunted in from alternate dimension

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Army of Evil 1: Light Infantry

d12
1. Man-ape shock troopers w/armor-piercing war picks
2. Magically anesthetized berserkers
3. Hypnotized peasants
4. Wave after wave of jolly stone boys singing lively war chanties
5. Hollow men who explode on contact
6. Fire breathing apes unleashed from airdropped crates
7. Man-devils with pitchfork and shield
8. Berserker zombies
9. Flaming hounds
10. Ragtag assembly of brigands, bandits and ne'er-do-wells
11. Graduating class of evil acolytes
12. One zillion magically hastened army ants

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

What are Those Strange Lights in the Forest?

d12
1. Assembled ghosts of those who perished bitterly in these woods collectively ignite forest fire via pyrokinesis
2. Prancing ogres w/jars full of fireflies conduct some kind of unpleasant mating ritual
3. Lantern light filtered through a preternatural fog that cascades from the mouth of the singular lantern-bearer
4. Luminous floating brains, agents of observation from another dimension, probe their surroundings w/dancing arcs of electricity
5. Slender gray anthropoids emit pulsating lights from their enormous eyes, hypnotizing and enslaving forest creatures for some evil purpose
6. Procession of man-apes led by glowing spirit guides stagger toward their debased version of the promised land
7. Lightning squirrels dealing w/predators in their signature style
8. Flashes emanate from depths of recently opened colossal worm tunnel
9. Intermittent space-time portals crackling in and out of existence in random locations, created from without by an unknown agency
10. Pixie swarm suffers from strange communicable disease, final stage: spontaneous combustion
11. Multiple roving wizard eyes search high and low for an object of vital importance
12. Spell-battle rages between rival insect wizards

Monday, September 10, 2012

What's up at the Underworld Chaos Temple?

d12
1. Closed for repairs after raid by Deep Dwarf Agnostic Jihad
2. Secret unholy ritual in progress, no admittance, heavy guard
3. Open worship featuring mind-bending oratory of chaos, not particularly uplifting
4. Emergency sacrifice required, heavily armed squads hunt for itinerant sentients
5. Partial corporeal manifestation of deity: high priestess expected to be consumed following string of recent screw ups
6. Annual opening of the gates to hellish nightmare plane of unspeakable deity for import/export
7. Implosion imminent! licence revoked by deity after heretical activities by clergy, temple to be destroyed utterly via singularity
8. Infidel attack/looting in progress
9. Temple-wide mandatory fortnight of fasting and meditation
10. War priest seminary training underway: mace practice, human sacrifice class using dummies
11. Desperate times: starving priests, denied powers by disapproving divinity, beg for food and mournfully cry out for salvation
12. Observance of Underworld holy day (see Underworld Festivals and Holy Days)

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Automatic Evil Army Field Marshal Generator

Instructions: Roll once on each table below, rationalize results, savor fear in players' eyes.

Table A: Draft animal(s)
d12
1. Team of giant stag beetles
2. Giant tortoise outfitted for battle
3. Team of pterodactyls
4. Blind cave Walrus, tremendous, echolocation
5. War rhino
6. Tusked behemoth
7. Giant Stag, black, fire-breathing
8. Team of mule spiders
9. Team of stone boys
10. Demon yak
11. Team of huge warthogs
12. Team of lobotomized muscle dudes

Table B: Conveyance
d12
1. Combat sleigh
2. Battle cart
3. War wagon
4. Armored rickshaw
5. Chariot
6. Sledge
7. Siege tower
8. Train of war wagons
9. Tactical hover platform
10. Attack throne, wheeled
11. Land yacht
12. Panzerkampfwagen E-100, out of fuel

Table C: Rider
d12
1. Two-headed dwarf with lightning powered cat-o-nine tails
2. Praying mantis-man in space armor w/laser gun
3. Frost giant witch w/blazing war fork
4. Huge ape body w/surgically attached head of renowned weapons master
5. Man-shape composed of thousands of bats
6. Wizard brain encased in robot cuttlefish body
7. Four-armed troll in fireproof action suit
8. Impossibly muscled man, radar dish where head should be, rips men asunder w/bare hands
9. Wizard with giant mutant brain under anti-gravity dome to support soft tissue proliferation
10. Cluster of huge floating eyeballs connected by demi-material mist
11. Intelligent evil bear in high-collared cape, dinosaur skull helmet, power ring
12. Giant clockwork warrior in black armor controlled from within by world's most diabolically clever little girl

Saturday, September 8, 2012

So You Ate the Fruit of the Forbidden Bush of Enlightenment

d12
1. Immediately vomit like never before, no further effects
2. Pass out for 1d6 hours, floods of 100% accurate prophetical dreams, awaken spewing mish-mash of half-remembered gobbledygook that's no good to anybody
3. Lose control of all bodily functions for 1d6 hours of continual embarrassment
4. Become public spectacle of euphoric derangement for 1d6 hours
5. Total memory loss for 1d6 hours
6. Stupefaction w/drooling and sub-verbal muttering for 1d6 hours
7. No immediate effect, but haunted by mind-bending nightmares for remainder of life
8. Hair falls out, skull swells to accommodate expanding brain mass, intellect ascends to super-human levels for 1d6 hours
9. Permanent boost in wisdom but forever plagued by paranoid ideations
10. Intellect and wisdom permanently improved, targeted for divine retribution by obscure deity
11. Instant total enlightenment: head explodes in blinding flash and resounding thunderclap
12. Momentary total cosmic awareness: referee hands over all pertinent game information for rigidly timed speed perusal

Friday, September 7, 2012

Choice Items in the Dungeon Garbage Pit

d12
1. One boot of speed
2. Partially melted and re-hardened enchanted sword, attack bonus negated, still good against creatures only affected by magic weapons
3. Fossilized skull of primordial lich: still crackling w/arcane potency
4. Dented cans of high protein deep dwarf chow
5. Torn trousers w/vial of poison carelessly left in pocket
6. Whale ivory leg prosthetic, magically warded against sea-mammals
7. Half-eaten fruit of the Forbidden Bush of Enlightenment
8. Charred scroll case w/slightly damaged scroll inside (roll once on Unknown Spells)
9. Water damaged ledger partially reveals strained financial situation of nearby dragon
10. Miniature flying saucer, systems deactivated, tiny crew turned to stone after chance encounter
11. Perfectly good false mustache
12. Smashed robot head w/single operational laser-eye

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Why They Built that Giant Wall

d12
1. Shield against much-publicized catastrophic flood event that will not occur for another thousand years
2. To protect the Crypts of the Gods from unwanted intrusion
3. To keep the dinosaurs in: inner wall festooned with special anti-lizard weaponry
4. To keep the land's titanic original monarch out: loaded w/warding magic
5. As a barrier against the highly aggressive, intellectually challenged martial society teeming beyond
6. Remnant of continent-encircling anti-magic dome of the ancients
7. To direct lava flows from currently dormant volcano as aqueduct toward enemy cities
8. Following commandment from deity, to divide the people into divergent tribes for an inscrutable purpose
9. Civilization A was all about loud parties and blood sacrifice, civilization B thought the generations-long wall project well worth the effort
10. Gigantic toll wall erected by giants back in their entirely forgotten heyday
11. As a winding temple to once-preeminent snake god, whose vast skeleton remains housed within
12. To permanently isolate hermetic order of yeti ascetics, largely successful, much serenity beyond

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Those Blood-curdling Screams off in the Distance are Actually....

d12
1. Shriek-bats in a feeding frenzy
2. Courtship hollers of feral halflings
3. Freshly-hatched cockatrice chicks exercising their lungs
4. Rehearsal for sub-humanoid choir at ramshackle temple to their obscene deity
5. Mimic-apes having a laugh
6. Bored and drunk vampires amusing themselves
7. The sounds of an arcane gateway opening up to a hellish nightmare realm
8. Echoes of metal-on-metal from a giant filing the blade on mammoth axe to a slightly-less-dull edge
9. Agonized yelps of new recruits being "branded in" to bandit organization
10. Ogres enjoying a game of Thumbscrew Challenge
11. Capricious wind-spirit that moves continuously further off trail
12. Genuine final vocalizations of doomed monster-attack victims: sure, you could run off to save them but you'd be far, far too late

Monday, September 3, 2012

Talents on Loan from the Gods: Divine Spells

d12
1. Steely Countenance of Affirmation: morale booster
2. (Involuntary) Bonds of Brotherhood
3. Momentary Cosmic Awareness: requires hours long ritual w/accompanying bells and whistles
4. Rolling Fog Bank of Purification
5. Irresistible Rebuke of the Unclean: sends enemies of patron deity packing, alive or undead
6. Dispel Rage
7. Stupefying Oratory: renders those in earshot insensible, can be kept up as long as speaker's endurance holds out
8. Geyser of Faith: high-pressure jet of blessed fluid surges from the caster's mouth
9. Serenity Ball: glowing heart-shaped bead flies from the caster's hand, detonating at range in a spherical blast of good vibrations
10. Miracle (situational): circumstances dictate effects
11. Prophetic Slumber: provides subject w/oracular dreams
12. Raise Dead, fleeting: lasts 1d6 minutes

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Partially Obscured Entries in the Stolen Spellbook

d12
1. Vostaak's Personality Nullifier
2. Involuntary Appetites of the Zombie
3. Sapheles' Spectral Stiletto
4. Gaze of Oblivion
5. Ixlbane's Incessant Annoyance
6. Fleeting Temporal Pause
7. Unsightly Propagation of Flesh
8. Undetectable Thought Intruder
9. Incantation of Arcane Reversal
10. Gholo's Corrosive Vomit
11. Chuloo's Cascading Shards
12. Explosive Geyser of Contagions

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Giant Worms of the Underworld

d12
1. Earthquakers: colossal entities, probably immortal, tamper with tectonic plates for inscrutable purposes
2. Magma worms: black plated, incredibly dense, believe selves to be first terrestrial intelligence, gently condescending to newer sentients on the scene
3. Dwarf-eaters: bred by ancient sorcerer w/anti-dwarf bias, prey upon any humanoid but go out of their way for dwarf-flesh, heads like hammerhead sharks bristling w/waving sensillae
4. Worm folk: roughly man-sized when reared up on caterpillar-like sets of hind legs, frail and fragile, mentally enslave more dexterous creatures to do their dirty work
5. Emperor worm: singular being venerated by all thinking worms, who are subject to its mental orders at whim
6. Wind-vomiting worms: quasi-divine leviathans provide the Underworld w/its peculiar weather phenomena
7. Artworms: creators of mad, surreal, non-representational sculpture, sojourn through the solid earth in search of great caverns in need of mind-bending decoration
8. Gold-eaters: miners follow them to mother lodes, thieves follow them to unprotected treasuries, will only stop eating if slain
9. Army worms: appreciable communal intellect, telepathic, martial society bent on conquest for its own sake
10. Servitor worms: bred by dwarfs for mining, ore processing, generally well-behaved, occasionally go rogue at the behest of the Emperor worm
11. Lore-keeper worms: observers of the Underworld, encode their findings in great bas reliefs in their vast library caves
12. Arrow worms: bred by subterraneans as missile weapons that start eating targets upon impact