Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Xenolinguistics: Means of Communication

For when you wish to make chats with alien entities a huge pain in the ass.

1.  Intermittent flashes from single luminous eyeball, may induce seizures in humans of meager constitution
2. Batting of eyelids in elaborate semaphore, only the fullest, lushest human eyelashes intelligible 
3. Color-streaked vomitus spewed in expressive arcs and patterns
4. Rhythmic rattling of ostentatious jewelry
5. Clatter of mandibles modified by drumming on carapace with golden ritual mallets of various sizes
6. Emits/inhales gas capable of transmitting huge amounts of chemically-encoded information, mildly poisonous to humans
7. Standard verbal but statements must be bookended with single sustained high note sung for not less than 60 excruciating seconds, questions require full performance of The Song of Inquiry
8. Grotesque facial contortions bear most of the burden, but sub-verbal grunts and moans add that extra layer of subtlety
9. Entity only comprehends three-dimensional information, requires sculpture, model making to get the gist
10.  Telepathic exchange, images only, humans incapable of filtering out stray thoughts (frequently sexual/violent/lame in nature) and may inadvertently cause grievous offence
11. Beings fire quills back and forth on fibrous tethers loaded with chemical messages, human targets sometimes able to get the drift before perishing of quill wounds
12. Exchange brief text-based messages transmitted and received by claw-held devices, tone of messages frequently misinterpreted sometimes leading to permanent enmity/lethal duels, formerly capable of speech but vocal cords now considered vestigial


  1. Sheer genius! Naturally, I am posting this from my claw-device.