Choice Items in the Dungeon Garbage Pit

d12
1. One boot of speed
2. Partially melted and re-hardened enchanted sword, attack bonus negated, still good against creatures only affected by magic weapons
3. Fossilized skull of primordial lich: still crackling w/arcane potency
4. Dented cans of high protein deep dwarf chow
5. Torn trousers w/vial of poison carelessly left in pocket
6. Whale ivory leg prosthetic, magically warded against sea-mammals
7. Half-eaten fruit of the Forbidden Bush of Enlightenment
8. Charred scroll case w/slightly damaged scroll inside (roll once on Unknown Spells)
9. Water damaged ledger partially reveals strained financial situation of nearby dragon
10. Miniature flying saucer, systems deactivated, tiny crew turned to stone after chance encounter
11. Perfectly good false mustache
12. Smashed robot head w/single operational laser-eye

Why They Built that Giant Wall

d12
1. Shield against much-publicized catastrophic flood event that will not occur for another thousand years
2. To protect the Crypts of the Gods from unwanted intrusion
3. To keep the dinosaurs in: inner wall festooned with special anti-lizard weaponry
4. To keep the land's titanic original monarch out: loaded w/warding magic
5. As a barrier against the highly aggressive, intellectually challenged martial society teeming beyond
6. Remnant of continent-encircling anti-magic dome of the ancients
7. To direct lava flows from currently dormant volcano as aqueduct toward enemy cities
8. Following commandment from deity, to divide the people into divergent tribes for an inscrutable purpose
9. Civilization A was all about loud parties and blood sacrifice, civilization B thought the generations-long wall project well worth the effort
10. Gigantic toll wall erected by giants back in their entirely forgotten heyday
11. As a winding temple to once-preeminent snake god, whose vast skeleton remains housed within
12. To permanently isolate hermetic order of yeti ascetics, largely successful, much serenity beyond

Those Blood-curdling Screams off in the Distance are Actually....

d12
1. Shriek-bats in a feeding frenzy
2. Courtship hollers of feral halflings
3. Freshly-hatched cockatrice chicks exercising their lungs
4. Rehearsal for sub-humanoid choir at ramshackle temple to their obscene deity
5. Mimic-apes having a laugh
6. Bored and drunk vampires amusing themselves
7. The sounds of an arcane gateway opening up to a hellish nightmare realm
8. Echoes of metal-on-metal from a giant filing the blade on mammoth axe to a slightly-less-dull edge
9. Agonized yelps of new recruits being "branded in" to bandit organization
10. Ogres enjoying a game of Thumbscrew Challenge
11. Capricious wind-spirit that moves continuously further off trail
12. Genuine final vocalizations of doomed monster-attack victims: sure, you could run off to save them but you'd be far, far too late

Talents on Loan from the Gods: Divine Spells

d12
1. Steely Countenance of Affirmation: morale booster
2. (Involuntary) Bonds of Brotherhood
3. Momentary Cosmic Awareness: requires hours long ritual w/accompanying bells and whistles
4. Rolling Fog Bank of Purification
5. Irresistible Rebuke of the Unclean: sends enemies of patron deity packing, alive or undead
6. Dispel Rage
7. Stupefying Oratory: renders those in earshot insensible, can be kept up as long as speaker's endurance holds out
8. Geyser of Faith: high-pressure jet of blessed fluid surges from the caster's mouth
9. Serenity Ball: glowing heart-shaped bead flies from the caster's hand, detonating at range in a spherical blast of good vibrations
10. Miracle (situational): circumstances dictate effects
11. Prophetic Slumber: provides subject w/oracular dreams
12. Raise Dead, fleeting: lasts 1d6 minutes

Partially Obscured Entries in the Stolen Spellbook

d12
1. Vostaak's Personality Nullifier
2. Involuntary Appetites of the Zombie
3. Sapheles' Spectral Stiletto
4. Gaze of Oblivion
5. Ixlbane's Incessant Annoyance
6. Fleeting Temporal Pause
7. Unsightly Propagation of Flesh
8. Undetectable Thought Intruder
9. Incantation of Arcane Reversal
10. Gholo's Corrosive Vomit
11. Chuloo's Cascading Shards
12. Explosive Geyser of Contagions

Giant Worms of the Underworld

d12
1. Earthquakers: colossal entities, probably immortal, tamper with tectonic plates for inscrutable purposes
2. Magma worms: black plated, incredibly dense, believe selves to be first terrestrial intelligence, gently condescending to newer sentients on the scene
3. Dwarf-eaters: bred by ancient sorcerer w/anti-dwarf bias, prey upon any humanoid but go out of their way for dwarf-flesh, heads like hammerhead sharks bristling w/waving sensillae
4. Worm folk: roughly man-sized when reared up on caterpillar-like sets of hind legs, frail and fragile, mentally enslave more dexterous creatures to do their dirty work
5. Emperor worm: singular being venerated by all thinking worms, who are subject to its mental orders at whim
6. Wind-vomiting worms: quasi-divine leviathans provide the Underworld w/its peculiar weather phenomena
7. Artworms: creators of mad, surreal, non-representational sculpture, sojourn through the solid earth in search of great caverns in need of mind-bending decoration
8. Gold-eaters: miners follow them to mother lodes, thieves follow them to unprotected treasuries, will only stop eating if slain
9. Army worms: appreciable communal intellect, telepathic, martial society bent on conquest for its own sake
10. Servitor worms: bred by dwarfs for mining, ore processing, generally well-behaved, occasionally go rogue at the behest of the Emperor worm
11. Lore-keeper worms: observers of the Underworld, encode their findings in great bas reliefs in their vast library caves
12. Arrow worms: bred by subterraneans as missile weapons that start eating targets upon impact

The Unexpected Dungeon Guest Star

d12
1. Evil warrior and equally wicked men-at-arms on quest to destroy highly desirable magic item
2. Honored sword master from famous school seeks duel worthy of expertise
3. Expert monster wrangler on dungeon safari to bring abominations back alive for roadside attraction
4. Halfling w/gambling addiction and overwhelming debt sneaking around looking for low-hanging fruit: has leads on several possibilities and would happily sucker PCs into doing dirty work
5. Concealed by full plate and closed helm, inhuman tries to pass as the paladin he just killed
6. Humanoid sports team fresh from victory and full of booze carouses w/gaggle of fans
7. Stone giant scholar researching pre-giant history w/bag full of rare books and scrolls
8. Weeping giant butterfly w/death's head markings on black wings: has laid eggs and now laments inevitable end
9. Half-deranged sorcerer polymorphed into cloud of fruit flies seeks arcane assistance
10. Ex-paramour of wealthy old vampire eager to aid would-be plunderers
11. Socially inept warrior w/2-handed sword just might come in handy if PCs tolerate non-stop barrage of insult comedy
12. The Singing Mummy

Weird Bats of the Underworld

d12
1. Sucker bats: the lamprey eel of the Underworld, tolerated by large creatures
2. Man-face bats: normal bats w/maned and bearded human-like heads
3. Vulture bats: huge carrion eaters, viciously defend carcasses
4. Wound seekers: like ravens, attracted to sites of recent battle
5. Stench bats: emit defensive inky cloud of toxic gas when disturbed
6. Large mouth bats: huge filter feeders swoop around dining on aero-prawns and the like
7. Moth bats: mindlessly attracted to light sources, often snuffing out torches
8. Singing bats: fly in complex formations, create mesmerizing harmonies
9. Hover bats: four-winged creatures buzz around like remote control helicopters
10. Assassin bats: picks victim and begins campaign of single attacks, inflicting death by 1000 cuts
11. Spider bats: lost ability to fly, instead scuttle along walls and ceilings, hunting in packs
12. Fluttering things: bat-wings with no bodies, a mystery of the Underworld

Experimental Trope Collider

Instructions:
Roll once on each table, re-rolling until satisfied, insert ampersand, proceed with retroclone project.

Table One
d12
1. Deathtraps
2. Demigods
3. Dwarfs
4. Demonlords
5. Doppelgangers
6. Duels
7. Destroyers
8. Dryads
9. Daggers
10. Dinosaurs
11. Deicide
12. Dastards

Table Two
d12
1. Degenerates
2. Decadence
3. Dirigibles
4. Debauchery
5. Diabolists
6. Desecrators
7. Derangement
8. Damnation
9. Disintegrators
10. Dystopias
11. Doomsday
12. Deep Space

At the Bottom of the Pit

d12
1. Insect-size Oracle of the Pit answers queries on any subject, demands payment in fresh nectar
2. Elaborate headdress w/magic feather of levitation among detritus
3. Swamp of slow digestive enzymes seeping from walls
4. Heap of crumbling bones provides chance of falling damage reduction, airborne cloud of decomposing flesh provides chance of lethal infection upon impact
5. Useless but friendly ghost of previous pit victim
6. Fist-size tunnel to bustling City State of the Rats
7. Hibernating saber tooth badger clogs tunnel to surface
8. Living victim of trap: wizard with broken legs, half-nuts, currently eating pages from spell book
9. Mystical gate to random campaign world
10. Soul-eating astral predator bides time while humming pleasant little tune
11. Victim-eating ant colony commanded by quite chatty psychic queen
12. Extensive adventuring notes carved into wall, final act of mortally wounded rogue

Weird Farmers

d12
1. Dunkel the dirt farmer's got a third eye that sees only the truth
2. Gurter the tiller has few friends, all of them rather credulous ghosts: he can convince them of just about anything
3. Ah-ah, feral master of the plum grove has a single incredibly strong arm growing out of the middle of his chest: he's killed several in arm-wrestling exhibitions
4. Zat the bat herder shares an uncanny bond with the creatures of the night
5. Y'ruk's turnip fields are guarded by huge black stag who may or may not actually breath fire
6. Bro Craglor's secret to bountiful harvests: surrounding fields with circle of gently killed pixies
7. Widowed Zondor Kroom's seven sons wear wraps to conceal their snake-beards
8. Awful Gonofle grows spell components on the side in exchange for zombie night-labor
9. Caloo Barleyfield murders wanderers and scatters their bodies in his fields to encourage swamp-ape soil fertilization
10. Ahkdar's fields go untended since the sinkhole opened up but he's jollier than ever
11. By some unknown innate power Yeeurg the root harvester can speak every known language + several unknown
12. Loaf Landus seems to sleep all day, yet somehow always has the best cart at market, rivals willing to pool their resources for assassination fees

Unexpected Dungeon Boons

d12
1. Map indicating dungeon traps found at bottom of 20' pit filled with poisoned spikes
2. Near-mutinous guardian creatures offer bribe to adventurers to avoid unnecessary unpleasantness
3. Blood-sucking cave bats transmit benign virus that permanently enhances low-light vision
4. High-powered gold magnet dropped by hastily evacuating alchemist
5. Dungeon overlord's passkey carelessly left in lock after extended revelry
6. Pack of relatively wimpy humanoids laden with disproportionate amounts of cash, attempt to make night deposit for some successful dungeon enterprise
7. Managing to survive death ray trap triggers propagation of tissues enhancing strength and endurance upon full healing
8. Dungeon fleas that sense danger to their host, bite like hell when monsters near
9. Dragon contemplating relocation w/fiery hatred for every other dungeon inhabitant, more than happy to point out vulnerabilities
10. Adventurers injured by chaos jelly find upon healing their once-wounded tissues temporarily invulnerable to physical harm
11. Demon, swollen with pride over recent victory, happy to cheer on and indirectly aid adventurers' efforts for entertainment value
12. Dungeon armistice after vicious territorial conflict leaves denizens unprepared, inebriated or otherwise off their guard

Dungeon Plagues

Table One: Pathogen
d12
1. Rot pox: too hideous a fate to describe
2. Exploding fever: temperature spikes then keeps on cooking until extremely unpleasant eruption
3. Zombie itch: turns host into mindless self-scratching machine
4. Brain virus: before roasting the brain w/high fever inverts personality/skews cognition
5. Face-eating bacteria: it ain't pretty
6. Suicide chills: eventually lethal but more frequently ended by victim
7. Death shakes: tremors come on almost instantly after exposure, escalate to grotesque parody of ecstatic dance, followed swiftly by death
8. Wraith germ: attacks point of contact between spirit and body, creating ghost (death)
9. Dysentery of Abject Misery: immobilizes and kills by dehydration/humiliation
10. Blue anguish: subject turns blue and writhes in agony for 1-6 days until deceased
11. Bone Melter: turns skeleton into so much jelly followed by suffocation
12. Shriveling wastes: victim becomes more hideous than the most ancient lich, then snuffs it unceremoniously

Table Two: Vector
d12
1. Dungeon ooze
2. Anything handled by filthy kobolds
3. Vampire blood
4. Kraken excrement
5. Sewer monsters
6. Bat vomit
7. Monster latrine
8. Subterranean pools
9. Bugbear lice
10. Ancient gold coins leftover from plague-eradicated civilization
11. Draconic cerebrospinal fluid
12. Troll mucus

Table Three: Cures (other than Cure Disease spell)
d12
1-2. Huge monetary sacrifice to the god of the wretched
3-4. 24-hour ritual involving free-form dance and large amounts of chicken blood
5-6. Victim must be bled to within inch of life
7-8. Cup of hot poison (50% chance of instant death anyway)
9-10. Subject must be roasted over open flame until half-dead
11-12. Incurable!

Enchanted Conveniences of the Rich and Sorcerous

d12
1. Ever-full goblet of the finest hooch
2. Mind-controlled servants, lobotomized and reprogrammed for maximum efficiency
3. Eight-armed deep tissue massage therapist
4. Magic mouth w/wizard eye feature: automatic scroll & tome reader
5. Hovercouch
6. World's Most Fabulous Lavatory
7. Potion of rock-hard abs
8. Concubine teleportation system
9. Expert mani-pedi homunculi
10. Bottled water elemental health beverage
11. Perfectly-behaved, highly affectionate lap-demon
12. Ensorcelled hair-dos

Fleeing the Dungeon

d12
1. Exhausted swordsman w/multiple arrows in back drags unconscious wizard, bleeding profusely and moaning piteously
2. Cyclops clutching superficially wounded eye, doesn't yet realize he's not blind
3. Gaggle of diminutive humanoids evacuating in a big hurry with whatever personal effects they could grab or stuff in a sack
4. Duo of warriors in mad sprint, currently on fire
5. Thief, barely able to contain glee, with sack full of gems and magical trinkets
6. Vampire in wolf form, cursing venomously
7. Dragon w/one horribly mangled wing in state of shock
8. Pale, sweaty, and trembling fledgling wizard with bag of gold in one hand, blood dripping dagger in the other
9. Stampeding herd of torch bearers and men-at-arms, report former employers dead or captured
10. Large cube jelly making off with dead giant whose head is embedded within after fortuitous critical hit
11. Necromancer disguised as escaped prisoner following coup d'état by underlings
12. All the rats as if from a sinking ship

Dungeon Love Connections

Love is both blind and not particularly bright. But its power to make things weird, even in the darkest subterranean pits, can never be entirely snuffed out. Alas!
Roll once on each table below for traditional one-on-one romance, with additional rolls for love triangles or more complex entanglements.

Table One
d12
1. Blind old troll with walker made of bones
2. Poverty-stricken Dragon needing sugar-parent
3. Doppelganger that got in too deep
4. Exceptionally intelligent subhuman poet
5. Dinosaur man: fugitive from menagerie
6. Melancholy Templar of Chaos
7. Exceedingly amorous intelligent ooze
8. Sorcerer's ghost: post-auto-disintegration
9. Half giant with heart of gold
10. The cutest kobold on record
11. Young surface aristocrat looking for thrills
12. Insomniac vampire: bored and clingy

Table Two
d12
1. Disembodied wizard head
2. Otherwise 100% belligerent physical fitness-obsessed ogre (attacks with barbells)
3. Age-withered high priest of chaos unable to contain urges
4. Evil warrior with tragic B.O.
5. Religious zealot slipping away from values
6. Saber tooth dungeon hound
7. Axe-wielding homicidal maniac w/mostly hidden soft side
8. Cyclops w/monocle and delusional social ambitions putting on airs
9. Agent of Law distracted from mission of assassination
10. Polyamorous dwarf: loves deeply and sincerely but needs to spread it around
11. Psychic for whom love remains a major blind spot
12. Wandering dungeon sage with the hormones of a 16 year old

Love Condition Table
d12
1-2. Exciting and new
3-4. All-consuming passion
5-6. Hit the doldrums: comfortable like an old shoe
7-8. Spats of increasing intensity, jealousy, recriminations
9-10. On the skids: ugly break up imminent
11-12. Unrequited

Underworld Currency

d12
1. Lead coins bearing stamped insignia of underworld overlord
2. Shiny, tumble-polished purple rocks in three sizes
3. Dungeon fairy dust: by weight, kept in silk bags
4. Dragon scales or varying color/quality
5. Heads/skulls, by size, degree of freshness
6. Live snails, by shell color and complexity
7. Ingested globule: value encoded in RNA
8. Rare and precious gas exchange: money balloons
9. Tally bones
10. Intricately embossed tin notes: represent chunks of unrefined ores
11. Sealed ceramic pots containing various denominations of mucks, mires, bog-waters, sloughs and ichors
12. Souls trapped in crystal matrix

Secret Societies in the Big City

d12
1. Fraternity of Cosmic Indifference
2. Aristocrats for a Stratified Society
3. Graft Guild
4. Brotherhood of Cutthroats
5. League of Debauchery
6. Arcane Supremacists
7. Green Panthers
8. Parent's Committee Concerned about Sorcery
9. Sea Dogs and Piratical Ship Workers Local
10. Anti-Riff-Raff League
11. Academy of Good Taste
12. Supra Geniuses For Chaos

Enchanted Missile Weapons of Renown

d12
1. Arrow of Availability: once bonded w/owner, reappears in quiver within a minute of being removed for any reason
2. Throwing knives, artery-seekers: target must save or begin to bleed out if struck
3. Smart boomerang: hits up to 3 enemies/use and returns
4. Ricochet-shot sling bullet (hits up to four targets)
5. Rocket-propelled javelin: single use, accurate up to five times normal range
6. Atlatl of Caveman Strength
7. Throwing axe of appendage severing: random bits go flying on critical hit
8. Crossbow Bolt of Chaos: delivers random mutation on successful hit
9. The crag giant earl's lucky magic boulder of smashing
10. Catapult-load of sleep-inducing pixie dust (made from real ground pixies)
11. Screaming demon ballista bolt of intimidation
12. Holy hurling stone of accuracy: palm sized, smooth, a terrific rock indeed

What's up with the Guy Behaving Mysteriously in the Tavern?

d12
1. Fugitive from justice unused to status and on the brink of losing cool
2. Victim of brain erasure trying to ascertain identity
3. Deviant of some stripe seeking same for dating, possible long-term relationship
4. Undercover operative from government agency monitoring freelance adventurers
5. Reeling from interpretation of recently decoded ancient stele detailing imminent apocalypse
6. Body controlled by sorcerer from remote location for nefarious purposes
7. Troubled by ramifications of recent involuntary enlightenment at the hands of a powerful shaman
8. Early stage brain virus infestation, next stop: full blown delirium
9. Holding incredibly valuable and powerful artifact and looking for a buyer
10. Waiting for contact from crime syndicate, awkwardly working code words into chit-chat
11. Clandestine visitor from another sphere trying to be nonchalant
12. Totally weirded out on black lotus