Previously Unknown Islands

d12
1. Abandoned Isle: formerly occupied by self-contained civilization of geniuses, developed space program, flew the coop leaving empty fast-food joints, doo-dad factories, apartment buildings, subsequently taken over by idiotic crab-men who've trashed everything
2. Totality of island given over to insect megalopolis, towering skyline of high-rise termite-nest-like structures, zillions of tiny intelligent insects, armed forces thereof employ bio-lasers from weird organs growing out of heads
3. Colossal floating black pudding, torpid, sports complete parasite-based ecosystem
4. Abundance Island: tangle of the lushest vegetation, blooms of every stripe, inexhaustible supplies of fruit, mammoth beanstalks ascend beyond the heavens, horrors occasionally descend
5. Zen garden island: impeccably maintained grounds cover entirety of land mass, awesome feng shui grants bonuses to any who hang around for a while, constant upkeep performed by small population of fully self-actualized masters who welcome all but reserve the right to annihilate despoilers w/unbelievable kung fu powers
6. Emperor's Secret Party Island: Las Vegas-like amenities provided by host of permanent staff,  each devoted cultists of the Lords of Debauchery, every conceivable vice indulged, small fortune in gold to qualify for entry, must be exchanged colorful ceramic disks, the local currency
7. Island w/giant crater converted by indigenous people into vast arena, countless gladiatorial contests unfold 24/7, outcomes of which interpreted by priesthood to decide matters in every aspect of life
8. Ghost Isle: utterly destroyed by ancient society's super-weapon testing program, angry island manifests capriciously to bewilder sailors, launches phantasmal galleons loaded w/hideous undead marines to scare the hell out of/destroy any who approach
9. Barren stone island carved by ancients into single enormous statue in honor of believed-imminent incomprehensible outer entity, yes, just gazing upon this monumental work can drive one to howling lunacy
10. Perfect Utopia Isle: surrounded by impenetrable 100 ft. wall to keep intruders out, populace in, many towers w/death ray broadcasters standing by for long-range preemptive destruction of potential interlopers, the only way to keep a Utopia going
11. Island of the Kraken-hunting Apes: Kong-size ape society w/material culture, wear kraken-beak helms, togas, dwell in vast Parthenon-like structure, sail outriggers to abyssal ocean zones, dive singly w/huge daggers in teeth for sub-aqueous prey
12. Animism Island: every last thing imbued w/anthropomorphic personality, a terrible, terrible place

The Paladin Has a Damn Good Reason for Seizing your Treasure

Wandering paladins (an ever-present danger for adventurers operating in and around civilized lands) go about their business with preternatural moral certitude, would rather perish than skew an iota from deity-sanctioned duty, and generally operate in concert with a good number of well-armed ironclad lackeys.

d12
1. Fundraising efforts by temple of Law declared mandatory by righteous monarch
2. Humanitarian crisis in neighboring duchy supersedes petty self-enrichment
3. New murderhobo tax on the books, required 40% forfeiture due upon encounter w/paladin
4. Fines levied for unlicensed treasure hunting in a forbidden zone
5. Damages due for last village the PCs happened to burn down
6. Paladin recognizes party loot as precisely the treasures reported stolen from lost caravan
7. Obscure provision in ancient regional legal code designates all dungeon treasures property of nearest landed gentry who may grant finder's fees, but don't hold your breath
8. The Devil's gold must be purified of evil back at the temple before safe for general use, a very serious matter of public safety
9. Paladin former acquaintance of NPC the adventurers killed for no particularly compelling reason, compensation due to surviving family members
10. Coins no longer legal tender, will exchange for new paper money
11. Illegal alien tax, PCs may avoid by providing proof of citizenship, local address, names and addresses of parents, two witnesses (not party members)
12. New revelation transmitted to paladin in dream: money the root of all evil, all gold must be gathered, transformed into towering statues of patron deity

What the Underworld Sorcerer Requires

d12
1. Tissue specimen from the Slumbering God at the bottom of musical troll-haunted, cacophonous Yarling Crevasse
2. Test pilots for all-terrain Underworld Excursion Vehicle, fully loaded w/latest anti-monster technology, planned shakedown run crosses Black Ooze River, over broken surface of Great Lichen Plain, back around through gas-filled Choking Caverns
3. Missing page to be snagged from the only other extant copy of mystic tome in secret library of exceedingly evil rival sorcerer from across the way, currently lording it over intellectually negligible gnat-people
4. Brain of irrelevant Underworld potentate immune to disease, preferable alive, preservation kit provided if dead, rules dwindling plague-devastated population from crumbling tower teetering on precipice of crater filled w/digestive enzymes
5. Death mask of obscure ancient potentate found w/in the Ziggurat on the Ceiling, required for fancy dress occasion on infernal plane
6. Sample of Primal Chaos at the core of the world, chaosometer and entropy-proof suits provided
7. The Flutter of hummingbird wings, bottled, mountaintop gale, in a sack, the shattered self-opinion of an Underworld queen, distilled
8. Fingerprints (clear and free of smudges) of frost giant prince on lam from own people, hiding out in citadel of the blind antler-men
9. Delivery of gifts, close encounters of the third kind with recently discovered Underworld humanoid society in obscure cavern system beyond the Molten Playground of the Stone Boys
10. Live capture of unique giant lizard w/alchemical digestive process last seen in the Dead Giant Jungle
11. Return of sorcerer's love interest, a magic-user of equal potency, mind-controlled slave of notable humanoid oligarch (fortune bilked from pathetic gnat-men in ongoing extortion racket), lives in palatial home like giant hornet's nest hung from ceiling, accessible by giant bats
12.  Temporary distraction of freshly-spawned, semi-indestructible Underworld chaos-godling w/strong attraction to sorcery until more permanent solution developed, super-potent enchanted relic offered as bait, if it happens to stumble into a bottomless pit, so much the better

A Golden Opportunity for the Impecunious

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The Wandering Monsters Encountered Each Other: Dungeon Level One

We'll never know why sorcerers can't resist
 crossbreeding owls with everything

On a failed roll for wandering monsters, check again to see if they encounter one another in nearby dungeon area, alert players to various noises, stenches that result.
Roll once on each table, or twice on individual table at whim, adjudicate results of unexpected contact

Table One: Humans and the Like
d12
1. Warpack of puny humanoids, armed to teeth, search for rumored evil hobbit assassins but minimally enthusiastic due to crappy pay, poor benefits package
2. Noble paladin w/damn good reason for seizing treasures already captured/coveted by PCs, led by very bossy talking enchanted sword of the utmost lawful goodness, six jittery men-at-arms
3. Invisible necromancer in a huff about vandalized zombie servitors rushes back to lair, carries on heated conversation w/self
4. Supremely overconfident surface wizard of means hauled around in palanquin surrounded by scads of charmed hirelings
5. Berserkers calming down after zombie beheading spree, dripping sweat, gore spattered, guzzle booze from wine skins
6. Puny humanoid body-builders en route to gymnasium discuss feats of strength past and future
7. Evil hobbits hired to assassinate necromancer try to remain unseen while attempting to flee the dungeon
8. Lone troll w/enormous appetite after grueling bit of regeneration slums it on level one in search of easy chow, sick and tired of combat, seeks parlay where possible
9. Blind sword master w/encyclopedic knowledge of proximate dungeon levels, returning to extract pay from necromancer after mission to level three, issues challenge for single combat to any w/sword
10. Intelligent apes from nearby cave system carry great burlap sacks, hunt puny humanoids
11. Evil priest and squad of action acolytes lead chain gang of surface humans earmarked for cult sacrifice on level three
12. Warriors of entirely different evil cult roam corridors hoping to ambush, seize sacrifice candidates from priest in entry 11 for their own unspeakable deity

Table Two: Dungeon Predators/Scavengers/Idiots
d12
1.  Weird giant rats
2.Owlsnakes hungry for giant rats, no matter how weird
3. Recently decapitated zombies stagger around at random flailing blindly at anything
4. Large transparent ooze w/two struggling humans inside busy looking for private spot to digest cult warriors that took wrong turn
5. Stench beetle shoots first, doesn't bother w/questions, sticky aromatic fluid accurate up to 30' (see subtable)
6. Huge spiders that travel by casting webs, swinging from ceiling like that comic book character, venom dissolves troll flesh like acid
7. Intact zombies armed w/heads of decapitated fellows still capable of bite attacks
8. Ceiling-crawling dungeon leeches as long as your arm, several bloated w/caustic troll blood
9. Giant army ants drag dead cultists to nearby mound
10. Flightless pteradactyls w/massive talons search for carrion
11. Giant cave salamander w/spiked tail like stegosaurus makes beeline for stagnant pool on level two
12. Skeletons of deceased acrobats w/moves like Jackie Chan on hunt for evil hobbit assassins

Stench Beetle Aroma Table (characters hit by blast must contend w/overwhelming malignant odor for 1d12 hours)
d12
1-2. Offensive cologne overdose
3-4. Hot garbage
5-6. Sickly sweet smell of death
7-8. Sizzling bacon (attracts monsters/gluttonous humans)
9-10. Satan's outhouse
11-12. 1000 neglected litter boxes

Why Are There Evil Humanoids?

d12
1. Humans trend toward the pretty damn evil, just not quite evil enough, gods went back to drawing board
2. They came from the future: universe started off pure order and good, slowly but steadily skews towards evil chaos until its terrible, incomprehensible end, evil humanoids time-launched refugees thereof
3. Victims of subterranean radioactive stone, emanations destroy good at metaphysical level
4. Brought into being to act as anti-humans by unpopular deities whose creative input was not requested for original creation scheme, throwing monkey wrench into otherwise charming plan for universe
5. Pawns in depopulation program by wicked aliens: secretly abduct humans in shocking numbers, plant seed of evil in brains, triggers permanent transmutations into various humanoid types, released into the wild as free agents of mayhem
6. Evil humanoids actually ambulatory fungi doing their best imitation of humans (note: all fungi inherently evil), a ruse to be dropped the instant the stars are right
7. Forces of Natural Selection in campaign world strongly favor evil, its a wonder any living beings possess even a scrap of decency
8. First came Primal Chaos, the substance from which all order and good accidentally developed, there is no reason for anything and its silly of you to ask
9. Seed of evil humanoids deposited when comet collides w/campaign world: weird hyper-adaptable space beings chose human-like form as optimum for requisite conquest of planet
10. Personified wickedness released from the Plane of Petulant Vanity by mythic prince: crafted the First Mirror in the Earliest Days, smashed it when reflection failed to live up to hype opening floodgates
11. Hilarious prank of otherwise transcendent cosmic entities unable to shake primitive appreciation of physical comedy, humankind perpetually, pitilessly punked for cheap laughs
12.  Philosophers hoist white flag: quandary of evil humanoid origins declared "unfathomable"

The Dragon's Current Situation

d12
1. Duped by being of even greater evil into series of aerial attacks on military outposts of Law, many untreated arrow wounds, 1d12 enchanted missiles still embedded in crusty hide
2. Bad case of draconic distemper characterized by vomiting, fever, occasional seizures, under care of demonic veterinarian now practicing on premises, sees various other blighted horrors during downtime
3. Driven to distraction by lust for particularly juicy bauble located in proximate dungeon complex, unattainable by dragon due to notable, ever-expanding girth, narrow corridors
4. Depleted of joie de vivre, sleeps more than ever, off chow, no longer enthusiastic about lethal mayhem, accumulation of wealth, treasure heaps disheveled, covered in dust/cobwebs, tablets ordered from alchemist untouched in bottle
5. Obsessed w/outer spheres after close encounter w/UFO, pours vast amounts of treasure into personal space program, retains cadre of science-sorcerers headquartered in lush laboratories near lair
6. Deranged, delusional following head wound delivered by paladin whose mummified corpse the dragon drags around everywhere it goes, engages self in penetrating Socratic dialogues to plumb innermost mysteries careful observation of which could crack the code on hitherto incomprehensible dragon psychology
7. Groggy, cranky, increasingly irrational, overdue for 1d12 year slumber but keeps getting interrupted
8. Flush w/cash after fortuitous encounter w/treasure-laden caravan, gleeful, giddy, ebullient peals of laughter audible from significant distance, in its glory, one will never encounter a dragon more magnanimous
9. Exits lair nightly to continue construction of titanic bird's nest-type structure on nearby mountain peak
10. Putting on airs after decades of savagery, tutors hired, wine collection off to grand start, ostentatious jewel-encrusted headdress commissioned
11. In hock to evil Underworld priest who performed life-saving healing after dragon's encounter w/bad-ass gang of wizards, wings damaged irreparably, amputated, ranges farther and farther from lair on desperate treasure-gathering raids to keep hell-hounds off trail
12. Preoccupied by newly acquired talent for astral projection, rumored to enter stupor for days at a time, mind expanded by visits to new and unusual planes of existence, but not so much that it doesn't note and lust after shiny/enchanted items from each

Tonight's Special Event in the Underworld Humanoid Lair

d12
1. Funerary ritual in honor of dungeon VIP recently devoured by colossal horror still at large, ubiquitous wailing, gnashing of teeth, somber reenactments of VIP's famous deeds including actual carnage, attendance mandatory as is heavy drinking
2. Spectacular puppet show of the utmost depravity performed by travelling sorcerer and talented shoggoth familiar on annual visit, crowds form early in underused theater chamber to imbibe pre-show potables
3. The Scourging of the Young: rite of passage for fledgling warriors, beaten to w/in inch of life by grizzled veterans while the rest of the clan gets blind drunk
4. Semi-annual military drilling including elaborate war games with nearby tribe of alternate humanoids, there are always fatalities, drinking occurs after closing ceremonies
5. Psychedelic bacchanal in honor of God of Confusion, elite guard remain lucid, distribute psychotopic fungi, everyone else gibbers, paws the air to shoo away hallucinations, cackles hideously, or, worst of all, contributes to berserk cacophony of rhythm instruments
6. Holiday to celebrate God of Illusion, costumes fashioned for months in advance, wizard outfits popular this year, social order temporarily suspended for giant LARP, moderate intoxication encouraged to get everyone loosened up
7. Feast to mock the gods of the surface-men: shoddy effigies of popular deities erected, defiled, cursed, and smashed, coincides w/readiness of seasonal brew
8. High-level negotiations w/representatives of group of bigger, more dangerous humanoids, despite herculean efforts/binge drinking only 20% chance of reaching accord, otherwise inter-dungeon war imminent
9. The Passage of the Elderly: first there's drinking, then all humanoids entering dotage (a slim percentage of the population indeed) give final impassioned speeches before leaping into the flaming maw of the Famished God
10. Coronation of new leadership following bloody coup d'etat, as part of celebration former chief's fine booze supply distributed democratically
11. Bigwigs of Evil inspect lair/assess military capabilities of tribe, humanoid leaders terrified, consumption of liquor forbidden until conclusion of audit
12. Trouble w/booze shipment, all events cancelled, palpable tension at all levels of humanoid social ladder

Some Dragons Keep Pets

d12
1. Flock of cockatrices, dragon immune to petrifaction due to repeat exposure/successful saving throws, uses eggs as daily dietary supplement
2. Underworld scholar embroiled in research on nature of draconic mind, housed in luxurious/book-strewn cage by negotiated arrangement, dragon's vanity tickled by extensive psychological testing, scholar keeps disturbing hypotheses to self
3. Gruuk the Inedible, towering, mighty, mentally negligible woolly Neanderthal raised by dragon from babe after roasting clan, finding woolly flesh unpalatable, pair now shares deep bond, often sleeps curled up w/dragon as per teddy bear but will not hesitate to render intruders into hash
4. Thrill-seeking youth of high caste, infiltrated dragon's lair w/awesome array of enchanted arms/armor, captured and spared by whim, tethered to wall by 30' chain, eats/drinks from filth-encrusted bowls, must relieve self in litter box-like arrangement, occasionally beaten w/rubber hose by servitor-ogres, wretched, suicidal
5. Colossal potted fungus w/charming personality conveyed by numerous fungoid mockeries of the human face speaking in unison, potent spell-casting ability, immobile but nearly impossible to destroy permanently
6. Symbiotic relationship w/ ambulatory giant cave remora taken to next level by long mutually beneficial association
7. Huge ape w/monocle obsessed with stacking coins, arranging other treasures into pleasing museum-like presentations, tallying wealth on great stone and steel abacus, enters berserk murder-frenzy if order disturbed
8. Fourth generation of captive human clan in giant hamster habitat, tubes run all over dragon's lair, fed pellets by automatic dispenser, drink from suspended water bottle, fascinating culture developing around ritual exercise wheel activities, dragon worship
9. Famous warrior, too much of a bad-ass to die after taking claw-through-brain, depends on dragon for care and feeding, areas of brain related to combat still function perfectly
10. Pteranodon w/parrot-like mimic ability, in fancy cage suspended from ceiling, despises dragon but has been faking it for years, biding time until opportunity to fulfill bloodthirsty revenge ambitions arises
11. Giant hermit crabs primp and preen dragon, keep scales tidy, maintain their own small hoard of shiny treasures which the dragon finds endlessly charming
12. Liquid wizard in a bottle displayed on ornate pedestal as object of amusement/playful derision, fully conscious and capable of communicating passionate hatred of dragon, information regarding the dragon's secret weakness

When the Cleric Cries Out for Divine Intervention

d12
1. Huge fist materializes from the dungeon wall/out of the clouds above/something nearby, gesticulates inscrutably for a moment before presenting emphatic thumbs down
2. Vast swarm of beetles shows up from out of nowhere, spells out "REQUEST DENIED"
3. Chorus of supernaturals audible only to cleric belt out semi-distracting song of affirmation/encouragement, but that's it
4. Deity manifests only to cleric, reads riot act, goes on about pulling self up by bootstraps, cleric prevented from taking action for duration of humiliating dressing down
5. Sudden cacophony of transcosmic laughter from all the other gods
6. Disembodied voice apologizes for inconvenience, invites cleric to file formal petition at nearest temple
7. Independent divine observer forbidden from interfering arrives to record/evaluate cleric's part in whatever calamitous event is occurring
8. White dove appears, alights on cleric's shoulder, whispers "this is your test", departs
9. Vultures/flies/dungeon scavengers arrive in disturbing numbers to await outcome of current circumstance
10. Form letter (Dear insert cleric name here, ) falls from above, explains at length metaphysical necessity of denial
11. Cleric receives vision of luxurious afterlife accommodations secured by previous deeds, alternately, preview of personal hell being prepared for permanent occupation
12. For one incredible moment, cleric takes on likeness/attributes of patron, super-charged w/strength/wits/competence/speed/whatever quality might turn the situation around

Modifiers:
+1 for history of absolute piety, obedience to even the most seemingly insignificant tenets of faith, superlative execution pursuant to divine will in the face of insurmountable obstacles, etc.
-1 for any murderhobo-like behavior at odds w/teachings of patron, taking deity's name in vain, failure to remit tithes in timely fashion etc. etc. etc.

Also Hanging Around the Vampire Lord's Underworld Estate

d12
1. Lich-led R&D team of evil sorcerers works around the clock on vampire-positive innovations, sun-blocks, holy symbol-proof glasses, in-crypt remote monitoring devices, garlic detectors
2. Incomprehensible trans-dimensional entity in charge of long-distance mind control/observation, violates civil liberties of those on VL's enemies list
3. Re-animated master chef, crack zombie kitchen crew prepare novel iron-rich comestibles designed for maximum shock and awe
4. Secret aquarium level houses highly intelligent sperm whale vampire and her pod of enthralled husband-drones
5. The world's most entertaining aristocrat-raconteur, still alive due to ever-fascinating repartee, hopelessly addicted to tincture of victim-adrenalin and grain alcohol
6. Flock of demonic blackbirds and their giant-size royal family provide air reconnaissance in exchange for protected nesting sites, the odd soul here and there
7. Genius bacteria in filthy glass jar, bill selves as eldest living things, advise and enlighten via telepathy
8. Envoys of the intelligent cephalopod empire petition VL to allow extradition of vampire sperm whale (4, above)
9. Young Titan prince rendered ineffectual by chronic bitter malaise, currently under VL's cruel experimental psychiatric care
10. Stone-men from adjacent reality enjoy respite from perpetual warfare, seek vampiric mercenary services against fleshy anthropoid enemies
11. Throngs of sub-vampire sycophants suck up VL's largesse, reassuring their host's surprisingly delicate ego as needed, amuse selves in downtime with appalling amateur Grand Guignol theater productions in dedicated performance wing
12. VL's numerous half-mortal offspring scamper about in seemingly eternal pre-adolescence of unchecked depravity and malice

Currently at War in the Underworld

Combatants (roll twice or thrice or as needed, duplicate results indicate bitter internal struggle)
d12
1. Vampire-lord's bat-riding ape brigade
2. Cult of the Famished God (perpetual warfare required to appease deity's insatiable/unholy appetites)
3. Blind antler-men berserkers, heads adorned w/multi-pronged sensory arrays
4. Surface empire's elite Underworld Rangers
5. Half-stupefied servitors of the Great Levitating Sentient Dodecahedron
6. The lich's undead centipede hoplites, utilize ingenious cavern-modified phalanx tactics
7. Self-immolating suicide troopers of the Lava God
8. Evil sorcerer's mind-controlled legions of fungoid men
9. Warrior-thralls of the towering sentient statue
10. Underworld Trade Guild's private insect army
11. Motley slave army of the Under-pirate Queen
12. No one is better at focusing crazed religious fanaticism into organized fighting forces than Underworld dwarfs

Why They Fight
d12
1. To keep free exchange of gold for slaves unfettered by proposed regulatory treaty
2. Territorial dispute over site of recently discovered explosive mineral deposit
3. For control of singular Spring of Vitality
4. Over occupation of universally cherished, extremely luxurious steam-vent baths of the ancients
5. Simultaneous claim on grazing mines of the gold-vomiters
6. Trade route tolls getting outrageous
7. New deity on the scene, preemptive strike ordered by established Underworld faiths
8. Bank vault of the Extinct Ones revealed after suspect seismic event
9. Slight-stung aristocrat's petty revenge-attack
10. The lesser evil's valiant struggle against the greater evil
11. Mutual indulgence of natural genocidal urges
12. FFRRREEEEEEDOMMM!!! (both sides)

What's Up with the Bottomless Pit?

d12
1. Hell's exhaust vent, spews forth occasional gouts of variously offensive, potentially lethal smoke, vapors, gases, really does lead (eventually) to Hell
2. Course of trans-dimensional amusement park-style ride, while falling forever 1% chance of encountering pod full of delighted screaming children of eldritch beings zooming by at astonishing speed
3. Dry bed of extinct interplanetary energy river, former trade route from time before the Sundering of Worlds
4. Soon it will serve its original purpose of excreting incomprehensibly alien life forms into the world, but don't worry, it's all part of the gods' plan
5. Inter-planar "doggie door" left open to allow monstrous alien pets to stretch their ambulatory organs, romp around campaign world
6. Underworld agency uses living things caught in series of sieves as raw materials for deity under construction
7. Massive outer entity died, collapsed into singularity, sank to world's core, hyper-intense gravity increases continuously the further one goes, effects of which endlessly fascinate evil sorcerers everywhere, multiple research projects underway at any given time
8. Left over after reckless detonation of experimental homemade wormhole bomb
9. Actual source of atmosphere on campaign world, stolen from gas giant by works of forgotten Agent of Creation
10. One of innumerable fuel intakes powering spaceship engine in adjacent dimension
11. Gateway to alternate Utopian campaign world of excruciating tedium and an almost complete lack of adventure
12. Esophagus of the Famished God, brain-damaged cultists charged with making sure tasty things get tossed down there 24/7

More Weird Cargo

d12
1. Bathtub-size ceramic bowl w/glass lid obscured by condensation, swamp environment maintained by magic, giant mosquito larvae wriggling hideously within
2. Quasi-lich in coma shipping self to new dungeon lair, travel-sarcophagus protected by lethal glyphs/sigils, tampering triggers magic mouth w/obscenity-laden threats, evil laughter
3. Single giant egg in huge crate, packed for shipping w/luxurious fur-covered pillows
4. Small collection of prototype wizard's robes woven from Kevlar-like fur of armored Pleistocene mammal hidden inside chest of outlandish frocks
5. Cans of gray powder, press for making fist-sized pills, medication to save royal family of evil mountain giants from witch-plague depopulation event
6. Hundreds of aggressive black saplings from Forest of Evil in pots, sacks of enchanted quick-grow fertilizer, smells like Satan's outhouse
7. Alarming number of disassembled siege engines in unmarked crates, designed for use by diminutive soldiery w/tiny hands
8. Locked and chained chests marked by dwarf-runes, order of 250 shock-collars of enslavement
9. Taxidermy of unknown human warriors in ferocious attack poses, each w/real weapons and armor
10. Illegal kraken ink products in several varieties, various bottles, casks: processed for magical inscription, monster repellent, performance-enhancing war drug, intoxicating beverage, cure-all
11. One thousand pounds of salty megalodon-jerky, subterranean dwarfs pay huge money for this stuff
12. Five identical simulacra of regional potentate, heavily sedated

Why They Abandoned that Derelict Vessel

d12
1. Ship encompassed by supernatural doldrums-zone, absolutely still waters, even oars don't work
2. Crew and passengers abducted by alien intelligence from the deep for temporary scrutiny, application of mind-control, ship anchored, guarded by hard ass sperm whale mercenary w/eye patch, power of speech
3. Entire crew murdered by disgruntled cook w/subtle poisoning skills, cook went mad, starved to death in the crow's nest, ghost abides below, preparing chow
4. Giant centipede eggs en route to overseas gourmand hatch unexpectedly, carry lethal dungeon plague pathogens
5. Pirate crew acquired ornate chest from foreign trader, gleaming amulet of greed among the treasures, currently around neck of dessicated corpse embracing pile of loot, crew reanimates nightly to reenact murder-spree
6. Entirety of crew ascended to heaven after discovery of holy relic on unknown continent, relic gone but ship's log indicates location of treasure-strewn promised land
7. Captivated by antics of fun-loving sea monkeys, crew jumped in the water to join the fun, were immediately eaten by colossal, telepathic coelacanth in symbiotic partnership w/monkeys
8. Crew transformed into sea serpents, recognizable only by their signature sailor hats, by malevolent roving cloud of unbound sorcery
9. All aboard fused into single giant merman by capricious sea god, commanded to disrupt shipping to/from Imperial Port City
10. Taken aboard Atlantean submarine, beaten, hog-tied, fed to sharks, mean letter nailed to mast w/extensive list of consequences for screwing around in Atlantean sphere of influence
11. Malicious spirit materialized on deck w/chessboard, challenged captain, after fortnight-long contest spirit resigned, went berserk, killed everybody
12. Lungfish-men swarmed the decks, soon awash w/blood, now enjoying a bit of cosplay as jolly pirate crew