The Dragon: Entirely Reasonable Demands

d12
1. Must be honored with the celebration of elaborate festivals
2. To be depicted upon all regional coinage
3. New song to be composed (and performed) in honor fortnightly
4. Constant stream of tasty virgins
5. Staff of skilled attendants shall be provided for primping/preening
6. Full security force dispatched for (100% guaranteed) hoard protection during hunting trips and other sojourns
7. Monumental architecture/colossal statuary to be erected in image following demolition of offensive depictions of local heroes/deities
8. Crafting of enormous bedazzled crown, set with every conceivable gemstone in grotesque, ostentatious abundance
9. Human sacrifices to be made weekly to draconic deity
10. Nearby dungeon treasuries to be raided, contents delivered (intelligence provided)
11. Knighthood abolished
12. Destruction, subsequent ban of all anti-draconic weaponry

Note: see also The Dragon: Terroristic Threats

The Dragon: Terroristic Threats

d12
1. Will hunt down and burn the families, friends and acquaintances of any who dare enter lair
2. Will release toxic bile into the water table, perverting it for all time
3. Will topple every tower in the kingdom starting with the tallest
4. Will enter a state of preternatural fecundity, spreading it's vile progeny like a plague upon the land
5. After establishing air supremacy, will burn only most favored crops
6. Will unceasingly bombard royal palaces with its foulest excrement
7. Will take a single virgin each night starting with the most ravishing
8. Will assume the form of a man, rise to the throne, resume dragon form, and set forth to establish empire of open evil
9. Will intercept each and every shipment of wine entering the realm
10. Will intimidate the various regional forces of evil into fealty and embark upon unprecedented campaign of terror and wanton destruction
11. Will self-detonate it's massive inner stores of fire, exploding with the force of a smaller atomic bomb, taking the adventures and everything in the dungeon with it in a final act of defiance
12. Will escape with its hoard to squander ancient treasures on games of chance and other trivial amusements

Automatic Weird Dragons

Physical characteristics

Head
d12
1. Smilodon
2. Swan
3. Caiman
4. Eagle
5. Snail
6. T-rex
7. Hippopotamus
8. Lemur
9. Toad
10. Pit bull
11. Housefly
12. Human

Body plan
d12
1. Serpent
2. Centipede
3. Rooster
4. Mantis
5. Quadrupedal anthropoid
6. Hyena
7. Polar bear
8. Peacock
9. Apatosaurus
10. Pangolin
11. Gecko
12. Land whale

Assumptions: all dragons have bat-like wings (often vestigial/merely decorative), scintillant scales, elongated necks and tails

Once amalgamated in the mind's eye, refer to the following tables:

Weird Dragon Breath
The Dragon's State of Mind
The Intelligent Dragon's Current Obsession
Current Favorite Items in the Dragon's Hoard

The Dragon's State of Mind

d12
1. Deep ennui mitigated only by the momentary twinkle of baubles, gewgaws and trinkets (amassed hoard comprised largely of shiny junk)
2. Bestial: if famished eats anything that moves; if sated chiefly concerned with defending territory, 1% chance of being concerned with reproduction
3. Egomaniacal but rather charming: intolerant of any more charming than itself
4. False modesty hides mean streak: likes to play with food, takes prisoners for personal amusement
5. Laconic detachment: Dragon With No Name, minimal dialogue, lots of disdainful grunting, shoots first
6. Ironic bemusement: reflects view that life is just a joke and one should at least try to see the humor in it
7. Scarred, bitter, resents the very cosmos that spawned it
8. Quite upset (see Something has Upset the Ancient Dragon)
9. Dispassionate, clinical yet curious: thinks of life as a science experiment, human data particularly interesting
10. Ablaze with generalized hostility, raging full-on
11. Unflappable: the 007 of dragons
12. Has convinced self of cool, collected condition, but just under the surface pent-up frustrations stand by to explode with volcanic force at the slightest provocation

Current Favorite Items in the Dragon's Hoard

d12
1. Dragon-size, talon-friendly scroll featuring transcriptions of various acknowledged classics of forbidden literature
2. Bejewelled sarcophagus from unknown civilization: intact but inert super-mummy within
3. Masterfully crafted miniature replica of fabled golden dragon temple
4. Nearly complete set of (singed) royal arms and armor from extinct clan displayed on dwarf mannequins in realistic action poses
5. Uncut ruby of astonishing size: likes to play with ideas for possible workings but can't commit
6. Thousands of gold pieces fused by dragon fire into single mass of dubious aesthetic value
7. Gold-dipped skull & tusks of mammoth suspended from the ceiling
8. Giant-king's platinum necklace of office (frequently worn by dragon)
9. Huge crimson diamond: imprisoned demon prince visible within
10. Zeus' false teeth on ornate obsidian stand
11. Hovering opalescent sphere of unknown origin: emits hypnotic white noise
12. Hyper-prism: impossible to count facets due to extra-dimensional nature, under sunlight projects searing heat ray, under moonlight produces cone of reanimation

Something Has Upset the Ancient Dragon

d12
1. Found religion but only just heard of requisite tithe for his income bracket
2. Unable to locate favored bauble, vaporized most of staff in accusatory huff, obsessively searching through hoard again and again
3. Injury to pride due to recent string of humiliating defeats on once-routine sorties against local settlements, still licking numerous arrow wounds
4. Nagging health issues: arthritic joints, wing troubles, diminishing fires, explosive coughing jags
5. Mating trouble: eligible suitors all unsatisfactory in one way or another, can't commit, expecting next contestant any minute
6. Preternatural dragon senses tingle with forebodings of doom, high anxiety, jumpy, trigger-happy
7. Psychological imbalance aggravated by deficiencies in dwarf-based diet: epic irrational rages over anything and everything
8. Hasn't been able to get a good fortnight's sleep in ages due to incessant howling of monster in dragon-inaccessible lair
9. Bamboozled out of nice chunk of hoard by expert confidence trickster
10. Lost huge wager over outcome of leadership change in nearby realm, new administration rumored to favor strong anti-draconic measures
11. Barely survived attempted coup led by demon major domo (dispatched)
12. Disobliging review of achievements in newly published history, ready to launch into obscenity-laced tirade of self-justification should anyone care to listen

The Dragon's Gourmet Night: Menu

d12
1. Man-chowder w/bone meal toast points
2. Catoblepas surprise: kobold tribe baked inside
3. Gently killed warriors, lightly seared: served in their armor in various attack poses
4. Virgin pie
5. Flailsnails braised in pork fat w/bile reduction
6. Team of roast oxen yoked to wagon full of kraken ceviche
7. Soft boiled roc egg over man-hash
8. Unicorn medallions presented uncooked w/individual salt lick
9. Humanoid melange in exotic spices
10. Rustic ape stew
11. Megalodon & giant bivalve paella
12. Exceedingly fresh (live) giant beetle larvae tossed w/garlic in a light vinaigrette

Gourmet Night at the Dragon's Cave: Guest List

d12
1. Dune giant sultan, body guards, travel-size harem toting barrels of exceedingly rare spirits
2. Gaggle of big city idle rich thrill seekers going for the gusto w/their most outlandish binge ever
3. Sphinx w/mummy retainers: launches into ranging monologue, dragon can't get a word in edgewise
4. Dragon's black lotus connection & shabby entourage
5. Fire giant lord and lady: he's a physical disaster after too many years of conquest, she's a ferocious wrecking machine despite demure bearing 
6. Swarm of telepathic giant bats: dining on the ceiling
7. Impatient demon w/places to go humoring dragon for political expediency
8. Vassal ogre king and most of his extended family
9. Cabal of once-human sorcerers embracing their twisted natures
10. Pair of juvenile dragons from neighboring mountain range claiming to seek mentorship, actually casing the joint
11. Rival ancient dragon: after lifetime of territorial disputes w/host, celebrating anniversary of détente with verbal contest of wits
12. Last minute cancellations w/barely plausible excuses: a bitter dinner for one, looking for excuse to unleash pent-up frenzy of destruction

Notes: roll 1d4 times (ignoring other results if you roll a 12), guests wouldn't dream of popping in w/out suitable gifts

The Intelligent Dragon's Current Obsession

d12
1. Development of draconic haute cuisine: has filed talons into precision food prep implements
2. Composition of epic poem celebrating self and accomplishments while minimizing those of rivals, scribes on staff to take dictations
3. Negotiating complex treaties w/two-bit human lords and then gleefully pulling the rug out from under them
4. Dungeon extortion racket: legwork carried out by deputized hench-monsters, doesn't really pay off but provides amusing bedevilment
5. Health and wellness: meditation, (human) juice fast, brutal exercise regimen w/charismatic personal trainer/guru in residence
6. Interior cave design: multi-tiered water features, sculpted and enhanced columns, stalactites and stalagmites, attractive fungi arrangements, etc.
7. Exotic creature husbandry: extensive menagerie maintained by staff of expert monster wranglers
8. Researching theoretical means of draconic space travel, intends to capture moon for dragon-kind
9. Trying hand at designing self-aggrandizing monumental architecture: still hatching schemes to acquire requisite host of slave laborers
10. Amassing preeminent library of esoteric knowledge, several demon librarians on staff, hiring buyers/thieves
11. LARPing w/bored vampire guests and lich acquaintance: likes to play halflings
12. Recently sworn off frivolous obsessions: right back to default treasure hoarding/virgin eating

The Dragon's Formerly Secret Weakness

d12
1. Due to upper respiratory fungal infection breath weapon subject to 50% failure
2. Such a megalomaniacal ass all henchmen and servitors actively plotting coup d'etat
3. Heavy opiate habit after accidentally eating heavily-laden dealer: intense lassitude, skewed priorities
4. Inflamed intestinal blockage from hastily devoured iron-clad warrior: constitutionally compromised
5. Anger management issue: easily provoked into blind rage featuring total loss of reason
6. Quite insane, unpredictable but somewhat suggestible
7. Allergic to fresh cut grasses: exposure induces convulsive sneezes, reduces vision
8. Devoted to fine brandy by the cask, commisioned giant snifter, frequently loaded
9. Actually quite fond of humans: a scholarly authority on the subject eager to test pet theories, readily charmed
10. Severely infected fang: claw, claw, no bite
11. Arrow shaft barely protruding from difficult-to-reach spot on back: an inch away from spine
12. A terror back in the day, now frail with immeasurable age, flames diminished, passions forgotten, stiff w/arthritis, scales dropping off, a shadow of former self

Down the World Dragon's Gullet

d12
1. Enzyme attack! Vessel hull breach in 2d12 minutes
2. Whirlpool: forcefully excretes anything caught within into random world
3. Aggressive phagocytes: attack as giant black puddings
4. Age-withered questing hero and party in iron clad vessel: lost to madness
5. Series of ducts lead to...(see subtable below)
6. Levitating parasitic worm-oracle dispensing trans-planar wisdom
7. Wizard and homonculi crew piloting experimental bathysphere
8. Hygiene cells studded with indigestible treasures
9. Cyst-shrine of the dragon cult
10. Corpse-strewn and blasted battlefield: site of ancient autoimmune malfunction
11. Ruined keep atop crystalline outcropping (devoured centuries ago)
12. Skeletons and other partially digested remains of gods, demi-gods, and heroes

Duct destination subtable
d12
1-2: Heart: violently propelled to next destination (roll again)
3-4: Spleen: exposure to fluids amplifies rage and hate
5-6: Phlegm pits: trapped forever
7-8: Lungs: filled with explosive gasses and gale force winds
9-11: Brain: induces apoplexy in World Dragon w/potentially catastrophic results
12: Colon (Hades-like zone of the mournful dead)

Weird Dragon Breath

1. Cascading waves of time: massively accelerated aging
2. Cone of serenity: save or achieve involuntary enlightenment
3. Blast of revulsion: subject unable to remain in the same physical space as dragon
4. Scintillant ray of hypnosis
5. Cloud of pathogens: 1d6 random diseases attack simultaneously
6. Miasma of resentment: dragon's assailants turn against one another
7. Beam of luck: positive or negative at will
8. Illusion breath: rolls over scene replacing reality with phantasmal nightmare visions, save for mere bewilderment
9. Spatter of digestive enzymes
10. Unstable gasses: torchbearers beware!
11. Cloud of misery: uncontrollable emotional meltdown, save for melancholia
12. Thunder storm breath: lightning, deafening peals, damaging winds propel massive hailstones

The Dragon's Other Prisoners

d12
1. Three former chiefs-of-staff serving life sentences for insolence and poor service
2. The local lord: not previously known to be missing
3. Bound halfling suspended upside-down from ceiling
4. A lawful wizard encased in a life-sustaining plasm
5. Hog-tied hill giant chief in extra-large cell block
6. A still-smoldering fighting man in claw-rent armor
7. The ogre guard captain who got overly ambitious: still retains loyalty of the guard, fomenting insurrection
8. Malevolent mist-being in glass bio-dome: mutters about plans to depopulate the continent
9. The heir of the griffin king awaiting delivery of ransom
10. Sentient beetle-man from the distant past: claims to know a good deal about the future as well
11. A six-dimensional fungus hovering in containment dome
12. Ball-gagged bard weeping (silently) over the shattered remains of lute