Random Items: Dungeon Level Nine

d12
1. Just back from the cleaners: wardrobe's worth of human size cult raiment, outrageous, multiply spiked and pronged, towering headgear like baroque cathedrals, in all the most evil colors, hateful devil face masks included
2. Huge, perfectly cut jewels with self-generating spider legs, scamper to avoid capture, bite with gem fangs loaded with virus-like mineral venom, transmutes great swaths of living cells into crystalline slough
3. Skin-bound tourist's phrasebook of Hell, covers many dialects of the Abyss, also includes instructions for producing weird tones and ululations perceptible to Elder Gods using common household items
4. In huge lead box, melted shut: bust of current Chaos Bishop cast in gold, diamond and blue sapphire eyes, neck and shoulders covered in gemstones simulating mail, crafted back when he only had a few facial tentacles
5. Sometimes a giant cigar is just a giant cigar
6. Sorcerer with look of supreme confidence and enviable array of gear turned to stone, subsequently smashed to chunks, dropped scroll amongst the rubble intact, inscribed w/potent chaos-dampening spell
7. Spiked mallet of soul-extinguishing: critical hit indicates direct shot to pineal gland, annihilates soul leaving behind greying remnant, lacking all joie de vivre, looking forward only to oblivion
8. Large black medical bag: huge tube of high potency anti-fungal cream, one dose ointment of regeneration, jar w/rather menacing giant leech that cures disease, sealed envelope containing one inert colony body lice of healing
9. Bejewelled sofa with wicked clawed feet carved from devil bones, upholstered with fabrics woven from precious metals, worth a fortune on secondary market of evil, would look fantastic in wealthy vampire's lair, too bad its on level nine
10. Massive enchanted sacrificial dagger (as short sword), unerringly seeks the heart of opponent once daily but only after time-consuming/embarrassing ritual
11. Soul-powered dungeon hovercraft, seats five w/one more in the automatic ballista turret, not very fuel-efficient
12. Crown of Hell, minor: cloven in two by vorpal sword (shattered, shards everywhere) wielded by mighty paladin (broken, pulverized body nearby), devoid of terrible powers but made from priceless/incredibly rare infernal metals