Blog-o-versary and other announcements

From Secret Party House of the Hill Giant Playboy, coming soon.

The Dungeon Dozen turned one year old this month. It's been a fun year and I'd like to express my gratitude to everyone who's taken the time to read, comment and/or help me promote this blog. To celebrate I'm taking a short break to recharge the ol' batteries and attend to some other pressing and not-so-pressing matters, including a short adventure I hope to post here on or around the 25th as a holiday gift to readers.
Also, THE REQUEST LINES ARE OPEN! If you have any ideas/wants/needs for a d12 table please suggest away in the comments and I'll do what I can to deliver once I get back on the stick.
Thanks again, everyone!

The Dragon: Entirely Reasonable Demands

d12
1. Must be honored with the celebration of elaborate festivals
2. To be depicted upon all regional coinage
3. New song to be composed (and performed) in honor fortnightly
4. Constant stream of tasty virgins
5. Staff of skilled attendants shall be provided for primping/preening
6. Full security force dispatched for (100% guaranteed) hoard protection during hunting trips and other sojourns
7. Monumental architecture/colossal statuary to be erected in image following demolition of offensive depictions of local heroes/deities
8. Crafting of enormous bedazzled crown, set with every conceivable gemstone in grotesque, ostentatious abundance
9. Human sacrifices to be made weekly to draconic deity
10. Nearby dungeon treasuries to be raided, contents delivered (intelligence provided)
11. Knighthood abolished
12. Destruction, subsequent ban of all anti-draconic weaponry

Note: see also The Dragon: Terroristic Threats

Featured on the Wilderness Map

d12
1. Colossal Spruce: towering evergreen, cult of druids worship gigantic pine cone growing several hundred feet up as nascent deity
2. Iron Mountain: massive meteorite, possible trigger of ancient apocalypse, sole source of heavy metals, riddled with mines, source of perpetual conflict between powers
3. Slag Lands: ever shifting islands on sea of lava, populated by warring sub-species of cinder-men, league of sorcerers maintains network of hovering laboratories
4. Ruins of the Formerly Levitating City: crash landed on Pleistocene Island
5. Homoncumulus clouds: zone covered by continuously renewing imp-shaped formations said to be the ghost-forms of dead devils
6. Megastorm Valley: vast swath of wind-ravaged ruin, path of constant Red Spot of Jupiter-type perma-storm
7. Artificial Ocean: greatest achievement of extinct merman civilization
8. Quakelands: zone beset by continuous seismic tumult, landscape reduced to jumble of friction-polished boulders
9. Pockmarked Plain: riddled by unpredictable colossal sinkholes leading to fiery center of the earth
10. Glass Dunes: site of ancient partial corporeal manifestation of the sun god, mandatory pilgrimage undertaken by sun-worshippers
11. Castle of Salt: cursed by easily offended gods, structure and everything within (including population, livestock) transmuted into statues of sodium
12. Great Barrier Wall

Weird Waters

d12
1. Lake of Infinite Depth: nexus point with water world in distant galaxy
2. Phlegmatic River: emerges from great cavern, flows to vast sinkhole, renders any who touch its waters indifferent
3. Levitating Sea: hovers at consistent 1000 feet, predatory giant jellyfish troll the land for prey
4. Spring of Infertility: waters much sought after by those conspiring to end bloodlines
5. Stagnant River: broad and deep, it just sits there growing ever stinkier
6. Straight of Standing Waves: ever-tempting as a shortcut, unbelievably treacherous, several maps available indicating meandering paths of relative survivability
7. The Silent Cataract: boat-rending rapids hiding around a bend like a booby-trap
8. The Devil's Stewpot: hot spring-fed pools teeming with unpleasant proto-life
9. Fen of Euphoria: waters impart perpetual state of dopey bliss, intestinal parasites
10. Reservoir of the Gods: fills vast caldera of extinct, Everest-size volcano
11. Carnivorous Marsh: teeming w/visible bacteria, act collectively to lunge at passersby
12. Pond of Chaos: home to the world's tiniest kraken and other wee horrors

The Dragon: Terroristic Threats

d12
1. Will hunt down and burn the families, friends and acquaintances of any who dare enter lair
2. Will release toxic bile into the water table, perverting it for all time
3. Will topple every tower in the kingdom starting with the tallest
4. Will enter a state of preternatural fecundity, spreading it's vile progeny like a plague upon the land
5. After establishing air supremacy, will burn only most favored crops
6. Will unceasingly bombard royal palaces with its foulest excrement
7. Will take a single virgin each night starting with the most ravishing
8. Will assume the form of a man, rise to the throne, resume dragon form, and set forth to establish empire of open evil
9. Will intercept each and every shipment of wine entering the realm
10. Will intimidate the various regional forces of evil into fealty and embark upon unprecedented campaign of terror and wanton destruction
11. Will self-detonate it's massive inner stores of fire, exploding with the force of a smaller atomic bomb, taking the adventures and everything in the dungeon with it in a final act of defiance
12. Will escape with its hoard to squander ancient treasures on games of chance and other trivial amusements

Recently Swallowed by the Mile-long Serpent

d12
1. The only cleric capable of restoring the monarch to mental and physical health
2. Several heads of state thought to be at secret meeting
3. Wagon full of wine barrels desperately needed for local festival
4. Demigod's arms and armor worn by (deceased) impostor
5. Total population of migratory herd beasts including the prophesied sacred calf
6. Band of heroes hidden inside a giant wooden mouse
7. Caravan transporting sacred relic for holy day festivities in capitol city
8. Stone sarcophagus containing mummy of ancient king that will plague the living with 1000 curses should the seal be broken
9. Crash-landed flying saucer containing envoys from advanced civilization w/dire warning re: imminent arrival of blind idiot space gods
10. Entire tower of an infamous sorcerer rumored to have made revolutionary breakthroughs in arcane arts and sciences
11. The royal librarian and a great swath of the royal collection including several invaluable/irreplaceable volumes
12. Pirate vessel and ship's compliment, just made port following extremely profitable reign of terror

Under the Evil Wizard's Hat

d12
1. Extra brains in tapering elongated skull cone
2. Small sack strapped to head containing emergency ransom in gems
3. Is that a turban? No, it's a hive of highly aggressive stun bees
4. Another face that laughs hideously when revealed
5. Waving tendrils fully capable of spell casting functions when hands indisposed
6. 2d12 bats
7. Self-destruct mechanism
8. Shiny shaved pate inscribed with tattoo containing elaborate funerary instructions
9. Imp familiar meditating in lotus position
10. Coiled spitting cobra, inert until hat lifted
11. Huge third eye that projects ray of insanity and sees into other dimensions
12. Awesome hairdo

Wandering Panhandlers

d12
1. Emaciated ogre, master of an unknown mystical discipline, levitates in lotus position over carpet with a few copper coins on it
2. Evil bard busker plays dirty song parodies lampooning surface world mores for spare change collected in ridiculous many-plumed hat
3. Abandoned dungeon pets (evil hounds w/spiked collars, sabre tooth monkeys in charming outfits, two-headed cats etc.), their moist, imploring eyes burn holes through the hearts of sympathetic characters
4. Ousted dungeon boss and surviving cronies wander miserably, pleading for aid and arms with which to exact revenge upon the new hierarchy
5. Humanoid victims of a weird dungeon plague look to any and all for assistance, even if it is only the release of oblivion
6. Surviving clergy from a sacked dungeon temple, their raiment torn, stripped of valuable icons, faces streaked with bitter tears, shamefully question their god's omnipotence while self-flagellating, ask only for hard tack
7. Clinically depressed leprechaun, naked but for once-glorious pantaloons, tells sad tale of ruination and would gladly accept anything that might add sparkle to his otherwise empty pot
8. Master thief and assassin who lost both hands in botched attempt at disabling green slime trap will hide in shadows for food
9. Fledgling adventurer, the sole survivor of a doomed expedition, is about to die of thirst
10. Impecunious man apes unable to obtain employment lie around in a stinky heap surrounded by empty bottles calling out to passersby for aid in keeping their bender going
11. Vampire initiate of ascetic cult asks for only a few drops of blood to sustain itself while closing in on full enlightenment
12. Vagabond kobolds camp in the middle of the corridor so you can't avoid their incessant pleas

In the Saloon

d12
1. Depraved cretins w/strong sense of entitlement (2d4)
2. Tavern sage holds down corner of bar: answers simple questions for a drink, buy a round for the house for more complex inquiries
3. Surly drunks embittered by years of being surly (2d4)
4. Some guy who's really loud and thinks he's hilarious
5. Raucous gaggle of pickpockets emboldened by drink
6. Black lotus addicts waiting around for their connection to show, rather edgy
7. The guy who has strident opinions on anything he happens to overhear, not a particularly deep thinker
8. Pack of ruthless, armed-to-the-teeth dwarfs celebrating successful delve
9. Inebriated laborers fomenting uprising, much speechifying and little regard for alternate opinions
10. Tattoo artist plying trade in well-lit corner: save vs. infectious diseases, heavily inked sycophants openly question the machismo of the un-inked
11. None of the regular patrons mess with the strangely lumpy hooded figure at the out-of-the-way table who orders and downs ale after ale, would rather feign a fainting spell than even acknowledge the existence of this perpetually thirsty entity
12. Off-duty assassins amusing themselves by subtly pitting various patrons against one another then sitting back to enjoy the ensuing mayhem

When You're Starving in the Dungeon

d12
1. Rumor has it amber dungeon mold is edible, delicious even
2. Moderately edible dungeon lichens, once washed, chopped, pulverized, sieved, fried
3. Leather armor (used), soaked in wine for a long time
4. Gathering an accumulation of semi-fresh dead bats will do for a while
5. Herds of extremely alert tiny deer are rumored to roam the deeps, some kind of blind and great patience required
6. Goblin cheese, a euphemism for some unmentionable aspect of their biology, edible but only just, reeks with an unparalleled potency, pretty good spread on black bread with lots of onion and mustard seed
7. Giant beetle grubs can be found underneath loose flagstones
8. Rats work, but often carry weird parasites, sometimes benevolent
9. Bocanite, a semi digestible element in many dungeon walls, visible only to some dwarfs
10. Notable delvers claim giant centipede legs are a delicacy fit for a king's banquet hall
11. The excrement of elusive dungeon ungulates (basically just processed moss and lichens) provides a good bit of fiber
12. Sometimes it comes down to whether you hired that extra torchbearer

Living MacGuffins Missing in the Dungeon

d12
1. Narcotics dealer hoping to corner market makes bold move to meet the subterranean source, addicts, particularly those of high station, frantic
2. Zealot priest of God of the Rosy Outlook and rather large re-consecration crew of lay members, indispensible VIPs among them, heading down to facilitate salvation of the denizens with much pomp
3. The whole village woke up one morning in a trance, disappeared into the depths of the earth
4. Faction of cultists in midst of bitter theological schism set fire to their temple in town and vanished below with their sacred treasures
5. Children of the noblesse, dressed in improvised dungeoneering get ups, carried away with make believe
6. The cat that ate the rat that ate the Queen's soul, last seen scampering toward dungeon entrance
7. Animate disembodied head of wizard containing unknown spells spirited off into the darkness by cavern apes
8. Royal architect w/full knowledge of secret castle defences disappeared into dungeon in the company of rabble of thieves and cutthroats
9. Child prophesied to be of the utmost future importance kidnapped by genteel demon with excellent penmanship
10. Dangerous, seditious holy man of newly popular mystery cult said to be baptizing converts in underground river
11. Betrothed of local monarch gone to join harem of amorous and exceedingly charismatic lich
12. Genius brewer, innovator of many new beers and ales, linchpin of local economy, abducted by deep dwarfs for compulsory servitude in their corporate beverage production industry

Sealed in the Antediluvian Vault

d12
1. Sets of fine clothing and other adornments that could only be worn by something shaped like a diplodocus
2. Crystalline Chestplate Unremovable: once donned insinuates itself into the host's tissues, tampering with systems to grant unlimited lifespan
3. Mantle of the Frog Priest: wearer instantly recognized by frogs and toads as supreme overlord, to be fawned over and obeyed to the very limits of their ability to comprehend
4. Fossilized mummy of unbelievably ancient monarch, psyche remains intact and eager for human contact, not at all unbalanced by zillions of years of entombment
5. Enchanted Stone Axe of Bisection: cleaves victim in twain on a critical hit, humans must use two-handed
6. Obsidian flask with arcane stopper: contains sample of primordial soup from the dawn of life, each droplet loaded with bio-materials capable of setting off new Cambrian-type explosion
7. Array of unknown musical instruments built for inhuman hands, each capable of producing different psychiatric effect when sounded
8. Preserved brains of antediluvian celebrities
9. Arrangement of stone stelae each inscribed with a primitive spell (Hold Smilodon, Create Jerky, Magic Bludgeon, Charm Mammoth, Survive Winter etc.)
10. Dessicated corpse of scientist/would-be treasure hunter from the far future, gamma gun still holds one charge, broken time-travel belt
11. Amulet of the Void: allows wearer to survive long sojourns though the cold vacuum of space (works equally well in crushing oceanic depths)
12. Shimmering translucent field holding dinosaur wizard in stasis

Freelance Dungeon Security

d12
1. Bored aristocrat, masked, eager to put to use life-long martial training while escaping arranged marriage, and loyal gang of expert big city cutthroats with names like Gutshank, Stompo and The Spleener
2. Ool-phla-ah the Slime Wizard and his Oozes for Every Occasion
3. Mr. and Mrs. Sphinx: professional treasure guards, impeccable attention to every detail, charmingly mated for (preternatural) life, annoying habit of destroying other dungeon monsters
4. Trantlebon the Necromancer provides precision infestations of warding ghosts
5. Dungeon fairies roam from hive to hive, monitoring dungeon events and calling forth mighty queen and attack drones from their encystment as needed
6. Tribe of impecunious man-apes aiming to improve the lot of their kind with a little hard currency, dubious morale in combat, but eager to please employers and unsurpassed in natural fawning sycophantry
7. Mind-eater and host of armed victims, essentially mindless but alert, fearless, ferocious thanks to surgical brain-dining
8. Koklar the jolly old demi-god, a relic of bygone days and long since believed destroyed, and host of loyal ninja-like warriors gifted with supernatural lifespans
9. Brotherhood of ogre monks: a real bargain as they refuse to draw pay and labor tirelessly, amassing number of kills required to advance in their order, once achieved they abandon their posts and return to temple
10. The world's stealthiest hill giant martial arts expert, a one-creature army
11. Exceedingly costly arcane system: floating eyeballs link to magic mouths and decorative enchanted sarcophagi that manufacture and store biomechanical wardens, released only at need
12. Ancient vampire with impressive resume and good number of half-vamp underlings give the appearance of competence while draining the wine cellar and embezzling as much as possible before moving on without giving notice

Yes, Even More Potions

d12
1. Potion of Mindless Frenzy: imparts the strength and ferocity of a raging giant while rendering subject intellectually negligible, unable to speak or make even the simplest judgement calls
2. Fizzy Drink of Ocular Autonomy: causes eyeballs to leave their moorings and levitate freely about at user's command so long as spiritual optic nerve remains intact
3. Nostrum of Speedy Recovery: accelerates natural healing tenfold for 1d12 days (caloric requirements, hair and nail growth similiarly affected)
4. Draught of the Giraffe: causes the neck of the imbiber to extend to 10 feet in length for 1d12 minutes
5. Tincture of Unendurable Hideousness: temporarily transmutes head into that of catoblepas
6. Elixir of Instant Elegance: creates the illusion of savior-faire in even the most vulgar individuals
7. Beverage of the Godlings: grants indomitable strength, genius intellect, divine speed, sage-like wisdom, superhuman robustness and preternatural personal allure for a period of 1d12 minutes
8. Potion of the Mighty Blow: swells fist of user Popeye-like for single crushing, knock-out punch
9. Potion of Extra Limbs: allows user to spontaneously generate up to two fully functional extra arms, legs, tentacles, claws, whatever
10. The Devil's Potation: compels good creatures to evil acts and evil creatures to top themselves
11. Potion of Spectral Foetor: user emits repulsive stench that causes flesh-eating undead to helplessly flee
12. The Desperate Measure: drinker able to act at thrice normal speed for one hour then dies

Flora in the Garden of Death

d12
1. Dead-eyed Susans: crack shots with corrosive pollen loads
2. Hangman's gardenias: giant flowers contract around victim's head to commence strangulation
3. Sarcophagus bulbs: hypnotic pollen compels victims to entomb themselves in hinged bulb as living fertilizer
4. Tulips of terror: impressionistic skulls and nightmare imagery adorn the petals, fragrance induces fear and panic
5. Stench pumpkins: cultivated for use as catapult ammunition by kobolds or other humanoids who live to irritate
6. Eye-seeking pansies: grow from eye sockets of heaped skulls, seeds swarm upon insect-like wings, lodge selves in eyes of victim, who is blinded but at least has a lovely arrangement sprouting from eye-holes
7. Dagger bush: leafless tangle of branches w/huge wicked curving thorns: suddenly spring to fully animate attack when approached
8. Dancing cacti: human-sized and engaged in perpetual choreography, will attempt to drag observers into the ritual
9. Tomb tree: menacing mass of roots at base of trunk parts to reveal natural shelves of corpses within, stored in perfect preservation for an unknown purpose
10. Mimic grass: collectively arranged blades to produce mirror image of observer, respond to command to recall images of past visitors
11. Buzz-saw sunflowers: launches spinning flowers w/razor sharp petals, aims to sever neck of victim (possible symbiotic relationship with 6, above)
12. Venus Soul Trap: fills minds of victims with soothing music and imagery while its tendrils snake up nostrils to remove soul from behind pineal gland

Unknown City-State: Requirements for Entry

d12
1. Aliens must register with constabulary, wear unattractive brightly colored ID badge at all times
2. Citizen must vouch for each entrant (fortunately, professional vouchers are always nearby)
3. Arms/armor must be checked/exchanged for city-legal weapons (rapier, dagger)
4. Extensive ritual ablutions, decontamination, delousing and body shaving
5. Small sacrifice (according to means) to patron deity and swearing of the Visitor's Oath
6. Small cash payment, coupon book for local shops issued w/tourist's map
7. Men lacking beards denied (false beards offered at numerous kiosks outside walls)
8. All potential visitors must enter protective custody for 12 hour mental health observation
9. Must consume (delicious) potion of docility
10. Extensive medical and arcane screening required due to recent prevalence of shape-shifters
11. Must perform eight hours of community service in return for free entry, according to skills
12. Only humans allowed entry, all others may remain in the stables

In the Dungeon Torture Chamber

d12
1. Chatty fire elemental in brazier loaded w/irons
2. Extensive library featuring tedious volume after volume (ex. full and complete history of the slug men, compiled minutes of the mercantile league's monthly meetings going back decades, genealogy of hyper-prolific halfling clan), podium, megaphone
3. Highly trained torture bard w/100% success rating, enchanted Lute of Excruciation
4. Heap of bodies w/hollowed skulls, brains kept alive in nutrient bath, housed w/in arcane agonizer units
5. Team of highly specialized dungeon fairies w/surgical approach to extracting secrets
6. Temporarily abandoned confessor strapped into torture apparatus, unbroken, much valuable information unrevealed
7. Half-dead giant in huge iron maiden, ready to strike bargain for release and will abide by any terms set
8. Face and lips stretching device for use upon the vain
9. Spiked pit/adjustable bungee cord arrangement
10. Separate holding chambers each w/gated partition, adjacent rooms filled to gills w/rats, scorpions, ravenous giant fleas or etc.
11. Walls adorned with stunning variety of hooks, barbed implements, tongs, pincers, vices, blades of every description, pokers, prodders, whips, bludgeons, an axe for any occasion, hammers, nails, etc. etc.
12. Torture chamber/gymnasium set-up wherein masked inquisitors use spare moments to keep their muscles rippling for maximum efficiency

In the Dungeon Larder

d12
1. Freshly harvested greens, seeds, roots, tubers, fruits, vegetables: 100% toxic to humans
2. Giant-size tins of potted humanoid meats (unlabeled), two-handed can opener
3. Food processing/juicing device operated by hand crank, collection of tumblers w/glass sipping straws, sieves, sinister-looking valves and rubber tubing, impeccably clean
4. Mothballed full service staff of automatons in formal dress
5. Variety of aquariums/terrariums teeming w/live edible creatures (large juicy insects, mollusks, small nearly featureless furry things, etc.) w/nearby barbecue pit and iron skewers standing by
6. Casks and kegs filled with ichors, blood, bile, and other assorted body fluids
7. Heads aging in closet
8. Rather sparse in the food department, booze selection fully stocked and tastefully chosen
9. Great loaves of dark brown bread cooling on rack, lots of small birds baked in
10. Disturbingly stinky wok, weird mutant fish from unknown depths on ice, not so fresh
11. Yesterday's paella getting ripe and crusty in unwashed vessel, empty liquor bottles scattered about
12. Mortar/pestle, tablet-making apparatus, many jars with powders of every hue, chunks of soft chalky stones, large sacks loaded with coin-sized pills

The Necromancer's Ultimate Ambition

d12
1. Reanimate sustainable population of prehistoric totalitarian state for use as pre-oppressed pawns in political struggle against new-fangled feudalism
2. Create new sentient ape species infused with soul-matter from departed geniuses for release into the wild
3. Harness soul-energies to power colossal mobile death-wave generator, perpetrate ultimate extortion on powers-that-be
4. Construct planes-faring vessel composed entirely of cadavers whose harnessed undead brains control ship's functions
5. Replicate afterlife conditions in hermetic under-zone for unspeakable experiments
6. Establish personal body-bank of spare parts harvested from the dead: alternate limbs, body plans designed for various usage
7. Cultivate undead plants that produce undead fruits and vegetables to sustain an orderly undead society
8. Bioengineer giant disembodied undead womb for revitalizing meditation/tissue restoration bath
9. Deploy multi-gigaton death ray bomb in order to give death the slip by killing everything at once, to be followed instantly by detonation of reanimation bomb
10. Complete assimilation of knowledge harvested from rejuvenated brains representing every known stage of human history, become world's preeminent smart guy
11. Purge the universe of twisted spirits through combination of liberal dispersal of psychotropic vapors and tedious but indispensable talking therapy
12. Dehydrated zombies in convenient capsule-form

Less Popular Undead

d12
1. Sword-haunting ghosts: follow around the blade that killed them from owner to owner, pooling talents to terrify and obstruct the actions of user at just the wrong moment
2. Disembodied brain, undead: uses mind control power to gain fresh host bodies for temporary habitation in hollowed-out skull
3. Reanimated muscle men: created using new process to fully revivify and sustain soft tissues, more deadly than skeletons, more efficient (and moderately more educable) than zombies
4. Ghoul, Bone-marrow feeding: sports smilodon-like hollow tusks for extracting favored comestible
5. Ghoul, Mummy-making: harvests the recently dead not for feasting, but for eternal preservation as part of growing mummy army, mustering in the forbidden lands for an unknown purpose
6. Ghost, Cambrian: spectral creatures of pre-ancient provenance and astonishing variety go about their incomprehensible business with no particular interest in the living
7. Snake Vampires: created by sorcerers to combat asp-infestation in ancient cities, subsequent return of blood-drained asps as vampires totally unanticipated, their bite turns humans into bone-marrow feeding ghouls
8. Shade, Ego-Devouring: target the party member most enamored of self
9. Ghost, pathological liar: spews rumors, hints, tips, dire warnings and prognostications, all of which are off-the-cuff fabrications
10. Cord slashers: spectral scalpel-wielding phantoms, take great delight in severing bond between physical body and soul, which they devour, often with no observable effect on victim
11. Ghost, Virus: infectious spiritual microorganism, soul-borne pathogen lethal to all but the most powerful undead
12. Ghoul, Brain-eating genius: assimilates all knowledge encoded in cortex of victim, often quite genteel, utterly reasonable, ambitions unfathomable

It Fell From the Heavens

d12
1. Winged giant, dead: scroll w/dire warning in 100 languages attached to harness on ankle
2. Encysted star god: sloughs off tons of dead outer tissues, gradually recovering from eons-long hibernation, preparing for close examination/evaluation of campaign world
3. Army of space wizards bent on conquest, their dodecahedron-shaped generation ship fatally damaged by collision w/fortuitous comet
4. Huge iron meteor, a crystal matrix encoded with supreme extra-cosmic knowledge at its core, psychics and sorcerers anticipate this event months prior
5. Impenetrable translucent sphere: teeming w/dark spiritual entities imprisoned for half an eternity by the Extinct Gods
6. Colossal apparatus, inoperative, of inscrutable purpose, composed of otherwise unavailable element w/potent trans-physical properties
7. First in a series of nightmare bombs launched through the void by extremely hostile inhabitants of recently discovered sphere
8. Skyscraper-size sword, the carelessly discarded sidearm of some outer god, cleaves through landmark of referee's choice
9. Plague of planetary parasites smash to earth and begin burrowing to the core to feast upon its immeasurable energies, causing tectonic shifts, earthquakes and impromptu volcanism
10. Seed of titanic planet-entangling creeper vine begins immediate skyward growth, seeking first any satellites, then reaching out to nearby worlds, providing a handy means of interplanetary travel even as it lays waste to the current campaign world
11. Chaos rains: condensed droplets stream downward as world passes through mutagenic space cloud, random species totally exterminated, others warped and bent beyond recognition
12. Coprolites of the Gods

Enchanted Dungeon Equipment

d12
1. Fifty foot rope, smart: obeys simple commands, slithers along with party like friendly snake
2. Backpack of effortlessness: renders items placed within weightless
3. Pitons of security: single blow drives them, giant strength required to remove
4. Flint and steel, eldritch sparking: throws mighty spark ten feet, capable of blinding/causing minor burns/igniting oil
5. Flask of oil, extradimensional: holds up to a gallon of fuel
6. Ten foot pole, extensible: up to twenty feet, also collapses to one foot rod at need
7. Caltrops, fecund: once placed, double in number every ten minutes for one hour
8. Wineskin of inexplicable upgrading: turns water into wine, wine into brandy, brandy into spirits
9. Torch of fiery vengeance:  hurls flame up to ten feet, expands/diminishes on command
10. Grappling hook, self-guided: can serve as improvised magic weapon in a pinch
11. Animate sponge of automatic personal hygiene: every armor-wearing character should have one, at least
12. Rations, Epicurean: utterly austere, rock hard tack imparts illusion of lavish, soul-restoring meal

Marks of Chaos 3: Ia!

d12
1. Body violently explodes and slowly reintegrates at random intervals
2. Extra-dimensional mouth contains d12 rather large tentacles
3. Changes form every d6 minutes (see subtable A)
4. Extra-sensory organs take up unused real estate on head: fleshy radar dishes, various antennae, less identifiable protuberances
5. Constantly fluctuating size/mass
6. New and different limbs growing in various stages of development
7. Thick viscous ichor perpetually streams from mouth, ears, nose, eyes
8. Deadly black radiations emanate from eyes
9. Speaks in several languages simultaneously on account of all the extra mouths
10. Body composed entirely of eyes of varied provenance
11. Huge horn-like growths adorn head (see subtable B)
12. Body composed of ever shifting multi-spectral light: hypnotic, may induce seizures

Subtable A: Changes in Form
d12
1-2 Giant brain w/spider legs
3-4 Levitating starfish w/single luminous eye
5-6 Housefly
7-8 Winged ape
9-10 Toga-clad youth of dazzling beauty, casting off golden light
11-12 Anthropomorphic red giant star

Subtable B: Head Adornments
1-2 Ram
3-4 Impala
5-6 Moose
7-8 Rhino
9-10 Stag beetle
11-12 Massive coral-like outcropping w/complete ecosystem

Marks of Chaos 2: Not So Subtle

d12
1. Tentacled lips
2. 1d10 extra digits per hand
3. Mustache of Chaos: several feet long on both sides, completely prehensile, form hand-shapes on ends
4. Blood bursts into flame upon contact with air
5. Poisonous body odor: quite lethal at point blank range
6. Absurdly over-developed musculature, exceedingly veiny and slick with perspiration
7. Body covered with innumerable sets of dragonfly wings: hovers at will
8. Three eyes, one each perceives past, present and future
9. Long-toed prehensile feet: custom footwear required
10. No neck: head levitates above body, capable of independent movement
11. Tapering cone of mist where legs should be
12. Half of body occupies alternate dimension at any given moment

Marks of Chaos 1: Subtle

d12
1. Eyes keep changing color
2. Needle-sharp body hair
3. Slightly peculiar body odor: not particularly offensive, just weird
4. Black blood
5. Exhales barely perceptible white smoke
6. Ice cold skin
7. Nails grow to sharp points if left untrimmed
8. Sheds tears of blood when so moved
9. Teeth made of flint: regular knapping required
10. Small additional mouth on end of tongue, capable of speech
11. Bat ears: hair-do can conceal, if desired
12. Dancing hair

Wandering Dungeon Jerks (Who Want to Join the Party)

d12
1. Potent magic user who treats everyone in possession of an even slightly less magnificent intellect with disdain and open contempt (favorite quip: "Idiots!")
2. Hyper-macho fighting man way over the acceptable hubris limit, absolutely cannot let stand any perceived slight, will undertake any challenge, preoccupied with mustachio-maintenance
3. Skillful, brazen thief practices pick-pocketry on party before disappearing into shadows only to keep reappearing, emits high pitched, tittering laughter
4. Big mouth warrior spews constant stream of braggadocio, reeks of cologne, wears sleeveless armor to show off rippling muscles (gymnasium rival of 2, above)
5. Treasure sack-laden servitor ape looking for work having just strangled former employer
6. Deposed monarch w/ever-shrinking cadre of loyalists looking to enhance war-chest, stickler for protocol, expects everyone to be constantly genuflecting, etc.
7. Former professional torturer turned dungeon raider, an able warrior who takes unseemly glee in carnage
8.  Kick ass princess with a sword, finally away from oppressive court life, won't listen to anyone about anything
9. Magnanimous Yotch, dungeon real estate agent, needs fresh bodyguards after professional mishap
10. Talking unicorn w/mood disorder on suicidal final war against evil
11. Paladin on perpetual crusade against even seemingly trivial transgressions (perfectly OK with murder hobo lifestyle, so long as the victims are demonstrably evil)
12. Bard

Triumphs of the Pre-human Civilization

d12
1. Monumental artworks: swirling sculpted mountains, rivers re-routed for aesthetic purposes, engineered zones of decorative volcanism, psychedelic auroras
2. Invention (and subsequent deep interment) of incredibly lethal array of super-weapons
3. Interconnected network of subterranean cities, still half-flooded with toxic mutagenic gases after weird seismic event of eons past
4. Space travel mastered and subsequently abandoned as really bad idea after gaining inkling of what's out there: space fleet scuttled in ocean depths, thrown surface-ward by tectonic shift
5. Anti-gods defenses: titanic gun barrels aimed at the heavens across the globe, massive operations centers for each hidden beneath the earth
6. 100% accurate map of the multiverse, writ large in a massive multi-spherical cavern
7. The Levitating Gardens of Shug-Leth
8. Towering beacon still actively calling down Blind Idiot Space Gods for an unknowable purpose
9. Bio-engineered panoply of hardy, useful plants, also bewildering variety of monsters & terrors
10. The Indestructible Subterranean Museum
11. After achieving total psycho-spiritual enlightenment, embarked upon epoch of constructing colossal space-wasting meditation halls honey-combing mountains, zen gardens taking up all the best real estate, scenic views monopolized by senseless acts of serenity
12. Giant weather control stations in all corners of the Earth continue to manipulate atmospheric conditions, presumably under automated control

Weird Monster Attack Forms

d12
1. Launches semi-detached stomach to envelop and digest prey
2. Uses body as projectile
3. Emits brain-melting waves
4. Exudes digestive enzymes in noxious gaseous cloud
5. Uses telepathic power in attempt to scare foes to death
6. Long-distance suction tentacles speedily pump fluids from target
7. Cakes enemies with blinding accumulation of powder expelled on jets of compressed air
8. Extrudes continuous brood of attack-babies
9. Releases giant, ambulatory phagocytes that retrieve nourishment for the main body
10. Heart-stopping voltage attack
11. Soul-destroying metaphysical ray
12. Caustic, adhesive vomit

Flesh for the Witch Queen

In lieu of a standard-issue d12 table, tonight's offering comes in the form of a Halloweeny one-page adventure (12 rooms in there, though).
Download at once!  While its still Halloween!
Flesh for the Witch Queen

Yeah, but THESE Zombies....

d12
1. Labor tirelessly on a colossal beehive-like structure of unknown design and purpose
2. Only devour other types of undead
3. Erupt with pressurized jets of noxious gases when punctured
4. Are so vastly ancient, their tissues so dessicated by time, they can only move a total of a few feet per day of unceasing effort
5. Walk effortlessly on walls and ceiling
6. Restrain and carry off living subjects for the necromancer's unspeakable experiments
7. Emit a constant barrage of literally mind-bending shrieks
8. Arise from the mass graves of great battle on each anniversary for grim reenactment
9. Carry the house of their strange master on their innumerable backs
10. Actively seek out select individuals for relentless pursuit and destruction, ignoring all others
11. Comprise the entire population of an otherwise normal fishing village, going about their daily routines as if nothing has happened
12. Have plenty to say on the deplorable conditions of the afterlife, if only someone would listen

Yeah, but THIS Mummy...

"I'm Nophru-Ka the Ancient Lord,
and I endorse this message."

d12
1. Lashes out with extensible bandage to bind and entangle foes
2. Dribbles a trail of tiny black puddings from dessicated lips
3. Intends to reclaim time-lost dominion by presenting ancient but progressive policies and entirely sensible arguments to the land's current occupants
4. Upon awakening urgently seeks out those of high station to impart ancient prophecies of the utmost importance to the present day
5. Must restore its tissues in fortnightly baths of the purest virgin blood
6. Seeks out a party of bold adventurers to join, offering knowledge of untapped treasure troves from bygone eras
7. Makes immediate war upon all living things with no exceptions (yes, even plants) until extermination complete or destroyed
8. Crumbled into bits and pieces ages ago, all of which attack the living to the best of their ability
9. Reeks so offensively it could literally kill someone of fragile constitution
10. Upon revival sets itself to the task for which it was created: pyramid building
11. Lathered with fireproof embalming goo
12. Has hill giant size hands for manually decapitating tomb robbers

More Unknown Spells

d12
1. Charm of Advantageous Auto-Decapitation: caster's head detaches from body at will and floats around independently
2. Create Monkey Tail: recipient temporarily grows strong prehensile tail, able to wield weapons, aid in climbing, balance
3. Stench of Sorcery: non-magical creatures shy from caster as if from some supernatural menace
4. Incantation of Temporary Depravity: conjures up the Mr. Hyde lurking within target
5. Divine Emulation: allows caster to give the impression of immortal status, radiate light, float above the ground, adds celestial effect to voice, etc.
6. Sympathetic Countenance: induces feelings of pity, protectiveness, or benign indifference in the otherwise hostile
7. Bogus Divination: allows caster to convince others of ability to forecast future events
8. Invoke Epiphany: trained upon a troubled mind, provokes psychological breakthrough, reducing the judiciously chosen target to useless heap of self-recrimination
9. Unobtrusive Mental Probe: a targeted form of mind reading, allowing caster to extract specific piece of information from target's mind
10. Conjuration of Celebratory Enhancements: produces goodly amounts of perfectly acceptable booze
11. Wizard's Rations: produces one dozen nutritious food replacement pills, each good for one day's requirements
12. Mustachio of the Gods: creates supremely masculine facial adornment on the target styled in manner of the caster's choosing

Cursed Items Most Terrible

d12
1. Spear of Undue Enthusiasm: terrific attack and damage bonus, user must continually resist urge to immediately shriek out battle cry and attack any enemy, regardless of numbers/advantage/etc.
2. Raygun of Instantaneous Exploding: erupts in blinding white hot blast followed by mushroom cloud when triggered, players duly warned off science-fantasy tropes
3. Bracers of Inconsolable Weeping: provide outstanding protection, but user slowly succumbs to despair until collapsing into disconsolate heap
4. Arrows of Collateral Damage: on a successful attack, does maximum damage to randomly determined comrade (or self, if alone)
5. Wand of Lightning and Amnesia: discharge renders the user as tabula rasa
6. Boots of Speed and Self-destruction: if, while zooming around, user approaches a cliff/high castle wall/etc. they must resist urge to fling themselves to oblivion
7. Helm of Impromptu Public Speaking: provides excellent cranial security but compels the wearer to make feelings known loudly and at all the wrong moments
8. Gleaming Mail of Utter Immobility: once donned, paralyzes muscles of wearer until removed by associates/enemies
9. Rod of Instant Megalomania: enhances charisma and self opinion to preternatural level, equally diminishing regard for fellows
10. Ring of Vanishing: wearer rendered invisible because of instant teleportation to unpleasant dimension of the referee's choice
11. Executioner's Axe of Unintentional Beheading: successful attack severs head from shoulders of randomly determined person w/in range
12. Girdle of Continuous Constriction: grants significant bonus to physical strength while gradually crushing innards

While the PCs Toiled Underground

d12
1. The sun has dimmed: civilization scrambles, anarchic panic imminent, vampires rub hands in anticipatory glee
2. Sudden inexplicable arcane feedback renders all magic users not shielded beneath the earth irretrievably insane
3. Nightmare plague crawls up from the bowels of the earth, sweeps across continent
4. Homo Superior shows up, announces primacy: fully half the human population reveal themselves as the nature's new ruling class
5. New gods arrive, kick the crap out of some of the old standbys as example, begin massive purge of clergy, embark upon campaign of terror
6. International tumult in strategic zone rears ugly head, sets powers that be into apoplexy of saber-rattling, back pedalling and marshaling of every available force, martial law declared
7. Accidental penetration of subterranean cryogenic suspension menagerie triggers latest return of the dinosaurs who turn out to be not half as stupid as previously believed
8. Terror grips the city-state as robots from the future start teleporting in and murdering seemingly random individuals
9. Witch Queen shocks the world with demonstration of eldritch arsenal, air supremacy and list of unpleasant demands
10. The dead rise from their graves: totally uninterested in devouring the flesh of the living, they instead attempt to re-occupy former residences, make withdrawals from banking establishments, join the queue for bread at the bakery, show up for work, etc.
11. Reality breach! Planar collision swallows up opposite half of world, interdimensional invasion forces muster at ever-encroaching borderline, physical laws become increasingly unreliable
12. Sorry adventurers! Gold reduced to symbolic status, stripped of monetary value in favor of entirely imaginary state currency, declared property of the state, confiscated for secret stockpile

Items on the Witch's Utility Belt

d12
1. Capsules filled with weaponized green slime powder
2. Small sack of rabid vampire bats conditioned to swarm, bite and obscure on command
3. Miniature quiver w/bundles of throwing needles envenomed with dream toxin
4. Ornate gorgon-bone snuff box with dose of powerful witch stimulant
5. Case of surgical implements of the finest quality
6. Roll of living twine capable of independent action
7. Wicked curved dagger with refillable reservoir of poison in pommel
8. Animate, levitating homunculus skull on twenty foot tether
9. Wineskin filled with fermented blood cordial
10. Pulsating adrenal gland of the swamp leviathan
11. Extra high-luminosity candles for Jack-O-Lantern
12.Satchel of child jerky and bone meal hard tack

Patrons Now Hiring: Assassins

d12
1. Enterprising extra-dimensional visitor looking to replace ruling class with androids
2. Under-appreciated demigod needs a hero shortage so he can fill the gap w/own exploits
3. Super rich plutocrat would like extensive list of dissenting voices permanently silenced
4. Demon in guise as messianic prophet requires extermination of kings, queens, emirs, autocrats, popes, lords, presidents, etc. for proper chaos to ensue
5. Wealthy serial killer currently chained to dungeon wall hiring by proxy (extremely well-paid agents) to ensure completion of bucket list
6. Dragon seeks to employ super-assassin or team to whack rival dragon and retrieve favored items from hoard
7. Chief god of the pantheon needs illegitimate offspring out of the way before his celestial wife finds out the extent of his philandering
8. Sorcerer hopes to attain supremacy by annihilating competitors and ascertaining their secrets
9. Symbolic leader of anarchist insurgency thought to actually be secret cabal, now scattered to numerous wilderness hiding places: not a single one can be suffered to live
10. Charlatan high priest needs idle threats issued publicly as "unholy curse" cunningly carried out to avoid career-destroying humiliation
11. Star chamber of research sorcerers have cracked code that will abolish chaos from the universe and prevent destruction of the (campaign) world: they (and their work) must never be seen again
12. Prognostication indicates incredibly dire future should certain individuals not yet born attain adulthood: for the sake of the nation, their parents must die

Underworld Wilderness Dressing: Living

d12
1. Ceiling rats scramble about overhead, occasionally dropping into hoods, backpacks, etc.
2. Gas-bag jellies harmlessly bobbling around zapping insects with electrical discharge
3. Dungeon magpies: highly intelligent but wits short-circuited by shiny objects
4. Disturbingly large pillbugs creep out of unseen hidey-holes to haul away the recent dead
5. Shell-less giant tortoises, extremely poisonous secretions made the shell redundant
6. Juggernaut cockroaches, non-aggressive, but natural defenses include reeking offensively and mimicking voices of nearby sentient creatures
7. Impoverished horde of dungeon pixies begging for alms, generous donors receive impromptu musical performance with astonishing production values
8. Research team taking various readings for sorcerer/scientist, interested in PC answers to a short survey
9. Giant hermit crabs disguised as huge boulders
10. Wall-adhered polyps of unknown origin: ooze a bit, occasionally whine
11. Red cavern weed: thermosynthetic, cluster around natural (and otherwise) heat sources, fronds wave around as if in stiff breeze
12. Troll head (quite alive) sticking out from underneath rubble of collapsed column

Instant Chimera

Table One: Body
d12
1. Crocodile
2. T-rex
3. Giant porcupine
4. Rhino
5. Moose
6. Sasquatch
7. Ooze
8. Hill Giant
9. Giant slug
10. Colossal mantis
11. Cave bear
12. Giant ape

Table Two: Head (roll as desired for additional heads)
d12
1. Flaming impala skull
2. Rabid pit bull
3. Snapping turtle
4. Vampire bat
5. Lamprey
6. Triceratops
7. Great white shark
8. Dragonfly nymph
9. Bighorn ram
10. The most vicious newt imaginable
11. Spider
12. Devil

Table Three: Special power
d12
1. Ray of withering
2. Flaming bile
3. Searing eyebeams
4. Enveloped by corrosive cloud
5. Weeps poison tears
6. Head(s) can separate from body, attack independently
7. Sings hypnotic ditties
8. Launches teeth as exploding projectiles
9. Impenetrable hide
10. Emits darkness
11. Blood transmits lethal disease
12. Gaze causes heads to explode

Street Weirdos in the Big City

d12
1. Defrocked cleric of chaos w/tentacle beard rants and raves re: the end times (w/100% accuracy as it turns out)
2. The Outdoor Librarian: has books/scrolls/tablets/etchings/etc. on wide range of outré subjects stashed in nooks and crannies throughout city
3. Filthy, reeking, besotted ex-bard, knows a song on most every subject, lucid only for brief window each day
4. Huge ex-magic user, cast permanent enlarge on self before dedicating life to perpetual bender
5. The Human Pincushion: totally unharmed by slicing or stabbing attacks, likes to dare fighters to unarmored duels w/heavy wagering
6. High level pimp (ftr/mu/th), deranged on bad black lotus, on rampage of extreme random aggression
7. Man wearing armor made from street detritus wears stack of helms simultaneously, one of which is rather special
8. Former style consultant to the rich and famous gone psycho-killer using sewing needles dipped in nerve toxin
9. Ascetic panhandlers levitate in lotus position while calling out for alms telepathically
10. Emaciated ogre wearing false beard/heavy cloak to avoid detection sells items on blanket after secretly devouring former owners
11. Retired warrior of supreme talent renounced violence after religious awakening/mental breakdown, proselytizes to fighters relentlessly (if in any way wounded, goes completely berserk, killing everyone in sight with improvised weapons)
12. The Masked Agitator shrieks out anti-plutocratic screeds to all and sundry until city guard summoned, continues lecture while eviscerating pawns of the system then disappears into the night

Assassins for Hire

d12
1. Strangely long-limbed man in black wrappings: wrangler of deadly spiders and snakes
2. The world's most dangerous boy: ninja-like abilities, wisdom beyond his years, managed by evil stage father (semi-retired necromancer)
3. The Neck Snapper: heavily muscled thug with gargantuan hands and steel-trap mind
4. Master chef, creator of the most tempting, sophisticated and entirely deadly comestibles
5. Ascetic follower of the Black Pantheon, naked but for the briefest loinclout, expert practitioner of the Lethal Grasp
6. Dream shaman: coaxes living spirits into the shadow realm while they sleep, leaving a perfectly intact corpse with no discernible cause of death
7. Dandy, drunkard, raconteur, Lothario, unbelievable prodigy with the poisoned dart
8. Serial killer dedicated to self-mastery, highly talented but only 50% chance proposed victim will tickle fancy, otherwise will target potential employer at unspecified future time
9. Elaborately masked woman of delicate features and obvious refinement, extremely expensive: effects kills by entirely mysterious means
10. Master of 17 Weapons, never leaves home without genius weapons caddy/tactical advisor
11. Suspiciously tall-turbaned mental athlete with perpetually bugging eyes: kills using only mind, must focus on target for period of not less than one month
12. Stranglebeard the Hirsute Killer: gifted from birth w/fully animate (and freakishly copious) body hair

Yeah, but the gaze of THIS cockatrice...

d12
1. Turns you to gold
2. Makes you a helpless thrall in service of the incomprehensible whims of the cockatrice
3. Nullifies cerebral tissues, leaving primal lizard brain 100% in charge
4. Melts bone
5. Disintegrates as per spell
6. Induces groovy attitude towards fellow creatures, inculcates a yearning for peace, love, tranquility
7. Reduces most sentient beings to blubbering heaps of inconsolable sadness, dwarfs go berserk and kill everything they see
8. Destroys good at metaphysical level, good creatures become evil, evil creatures purified of vestigial goodness
9. Turns you into random inert gas, sentient
10. Triggers and amplifies latent self-destructive urges, subject attempts to fall on own sword, sets off for nearest cliff/high tower, takes advantage of any available lethal options
11. Turns you into an adorable forest creature
12. Renders subject permanently incapable of reproduction, which both pleases and amuses the cockatrice a great deal indeed

Unpleasant Callers at the Adventurers' HQ

d12
1. Pre-dawn intrusion by drunk dungeon acquaintance w/axe to grind (possibly former hireling) and equally loaded gang of armed miscreants
2. Medium tortured by spirits of deceased enemies of PCs who will not rest while denied full airing of grievances
3. Hired assassins making clean sweep of possible loose cannons before employers attempt uprising against current powers-that-be
4. Bearer of bad tidings: in what might be a case of mistaken identity, messenger reports grisly murder of far flung PC relative
5. Government officials, accompanied by special attachment of elite warriors, come to inform PCs of revocation of adventuring licenses for some obscure political reason
6. Dark-robed and masked royal innoculators distribute mandatory anti-plague injections in response to outbreak, refusal results in arrest, imprisonment in wretched quarantine zone
7. Gang of youthful troublemakers vying for entrance into criminal organization, go out of their way to gain entry in hopes of securing an impressive trophy
8. Adventure tax collectors w/squad of bloodthirsty mercenaries present papers authorizing full audit, search and seizure
9. Gaggle of blissed-out religious fanatics called upon by unmentionable deity to convert PCs to cult if its the last thing they do
10. Candidates for trivial local offices (pauper council, alms department chief, street pudding abatement man) going door to door delivering their tiresome pitches
11. Salesman and shills attempting to move new and improved adventuring equipment at premium prices, high end mountaineering gear, specialized weapons and tools, 10, 11, and 12 foot poles, etc.
12. Debt collectors looking for previous occupants of residence, highly sceptical of PCs claims of identity, prepared for rough stuff as necessary

Stuck in the Giant Spider's Web

d12
1. Husk of princeling dripping with semi-preserved, jewel-studded finery
2. Half-dead troll repeatedly bitten and stubbornly regenerating: spider, once thrilled with perpetually renewable food source, now seeking means to be rid of the rather unpalatable menace
3. Dead dungeon philosopher clutching manuscript proving conclusively that polytheist notion of the universe is elaborate charade carried out by singular malevolent supreme intelligence
4. Spell book inscribed with 1d4 unknown spells
5. Abandoned chainmail bikini
6. Evil sorcerer awaiting aid from diabolical associates, preserved in some kind of spider-proof time bubble after failing saving throw vs. poison
7. Groggy but unconquered cave giant half-covered in webs, poisoned several times but going down swinging
8. Envoy from surface empire bearing communique hinting at treacherous alliance with dungeon faction and plan for extermination of unpopular human populations for political gain
9. Disembodied head of wizard with pteranodon-like wings where ears should be, not quite dead
10. Ghost of dead adventurer that believes itself stuck in web, happy to be convinced otherwise
11. Spider's collection of mummified exes, imminent approach of current suitors in pheromone stupor
12. Dessicated halfling with magic ring of unknown provenance on chain around neck

Fear-Induced Freak Outs

d12
1. Flee unceasingly in beeline toward home and hearth while crying out for maternal assistance
2. Self-flagellating frenzy before collapsing into fetal position
3. Utterly berserk: attacks everyone and everything until victory or death
4. Infectious stampeding: unstable teammates, henchmen and hirelings must save or follow suit
5. Soil undergarments, google-eyed, gaping fright paralysis
6. Apoplexy w/heavy nose bleed, chance of death by shock
7. Fainting w/chance of permanent condition
8. Tries to bury self in earth
9. Hysterical shrieking and impotent flailing
10. Weeping and gnashing w/pathetic clinging to legs of others
11. Falls to knees, pleading desperately to wide range of gods for salvation despite any preexisting religious convictions
12. Only immediate restraint by fellows can prevent subject from embarking upon campaign of self-destruction

Level Drain! Or Perhaps You'd Rather Take Your Chances

I actually deeply admire this man.

d12
1. Intelligence drain: neural overload permanently damages cognition
2. Shrivelling tissues: shrinks muscle mass, impairs strength and stamina
3. System crash: slip into recuperative coma (1d6 hours) while operating system reboots
4. Temporary insanity of the helplessly babbling variety (1d6 hours), may be warded off by heavy drinking
5. Hair turns white, blind panic (1d6 minutes), permanent terror of the undead
6. Withered aspect: each successful attack propels victim's appearance one step closer toward Keith Richards'
7. Soul destroyed: ramifications of soulless condition to be determined by referee
8. Pluses Shall Be Splintered: magic item/weapon permanently expends enchantment protecting character from harm (roll again if no item in possession)
9. Spectral fading: subject gradually becomes transparent, left untreated, fades away entirely
10. Rendered emotionally null and void: joie de vivre measurably diminished, food turns to ashes in mouth, getting drunk just enhances melancholy, save to avoid self-destructive ideations
11. Wight lung: starts w/hacking cough rapidly followed by wheezing, swiftly accompanied by gurgling and gasping, abrupt fatal suffocation (if left untreated)
12. Become temporary thrall of attacking entity (until either thrall or master is destroyed)

Secret Monsters in the Big City

d12
1. Wyvern in sub-mansion cavern flown nightly by half-crazed masked plutocrat waging war on vagrancy
2. Demigod, virtually unrecognizable: enjoying protracted period of seclusion as unkempt perpetual saloon patron, goes on monthly rampages with astonishing body counts
3. Vampire w/seat on city council and impeccable record of gentility
4. Small population of invisible ghouls, known only to the elite, survivors of previous civilization with enough secret knowledge to safely demand human flesh required for sustenance
5. Dragon magically shackled and imprisoned beneath palace, supplies raw materials for sorcery: blood, bile, ichor, shed scales and talons
6. Squadron of gargoyles wait in silent hope for an attempt to breach castle keep's defenses
7. Lich remains at large in royal library, magically disguised/concealed: alternately helpful with research projects and capriciously deadly should patrons offend his literary sensibilities
8. Inn's cellar houses colossal black pudding, handles waste disposal and provides active ingredient for salty black bread offered free w/purchase of drink
9. Expert armorer to the rich and famous assisted by magically enslaved clan of fire dwarfs awaiting opportunity to avenge themselves by burning city to the ground
10. City Vice Czar actually half-devil overcompensating and only able to contain Jack the Ripper tendencies for so long
11. Real child-eating witch slinks from gutter to roof top, replacing devoured tykes with identical soulless ones who bide time until adulthood when all hell breaks loose
12. Artist of stupendous talent actually terrifically self-involved demon more interested in approbation than overt evil

Wanted: Dead or Alive in the Big City

d12
1. For treason: highly satirical bard with broad fan-base among the city's youth
2. For blasphemy: gaggle of impish street waifs who seem to delight in defacing holy sites
3. For adultery: wanton spouse of city official, now in hiding w/one of many lovers
4. For loan racketeering: extremely clever and elusive Masked Money-changer, protected by hired assassins
5. For illegal arms dealing: former dwarf lord with connections living in exile in thieves' quarter
6. For kidnapping: giant chambered nautiloid w/mind control powers operating in city sewers
7. For unlawful sorcery: recently sacked sub-vizier, popular astrologer to the upper classes
8. For ESP-detected thought crimes: high priest of minor chaos temple
9. For molestation of a person of greater social station: Gandhi-like hero to the underclasses
10. For extortion: entirety of local shipping guild, services being replaced by navy
11. For failure to honor holy days: retired war hero notable for outspoken skepticism
12. For tax evasion: occupants of the rather scary looking ancient mansion on the hill, surrounded by beast-populated moat w/semi-human figures patrolling grounds by night

Odd Jobs for Fast Cash in the Big City

d12
1. Cult offers handsome bounty for clandestine desecration of rival temples
2. Short stint as muscle for criminal organization involved in negotiations w/similar group regarding overlapping territory
3. City government hiring freelance tax collectors for difficult accounts, paid by commission
4. Sewer patrol looking for assistance in cesspit pudding abatement
5. Temporary executioners sought after blood-soaked riot in city prisons simultaneously reduced staffing and sent death penalty cases through the roof
6. Brutal sadists needed for construction foremen positions, experience with whip a plus
7. Rewards available for list of known criminals still at large (bounty hunting licensing fee deducted from first capture)
8. Per diem workers needed for morning cleanup of high-mayhem streets/districts (Ambush Lane, Murder Street, Hell's Bunker, etc.) during festival season: bring your own high boots, strong stomach
9. Grave diggers always needed
10. City exterminators bolstering crews due to rampant urban stirge infestation
11. Black lotus dealer needs lesson taught to upstart competitors
12. Phlebotomists in employ of genteel vampire buying blood by the pint

Who or What is the Puppet Master Behind The Man-Ape Menace?

d12
1. Chaotic demigod scraping the bottom of the barrel for the easily awed
2. Evolution-obsessed sorcerer testing super-man-ape prototypes in minor raids
3. Mutant man-ape genius with nation-building ambition, venerated by fellows w/messianic fervor, uniting population one clan at a time
4. Quasi-lich: disembodied animus of antediluvian man-ape shaman
5. Highly charismatic human cleric, defrocked for heresy by major cult, w/talent for talking down and plans for new Holy Empire
6. Dinosaur ghost incites man-apes to wanton violence using dream projection, instigating the chaos prophesied to precede latest Age of Reptiles
7. Enterprising gaggle of impecunious halflings via rigged up talking idol: spews real smoke and flames when unappeased by sacrifices of golden treasures
8. Hypnotic worm-beings native to underworld demand fresh delivery of surface delicacies obtainable (to man-apes) only by mischief
9. Big city plutocrats pay off man-ape chiefs with deliveries of substandard food to harry the underclasses outside the city walls, reinforcing dependency on plutocrat controlled armed forces and willingness to fork over additional taxes
10. Wicked noble, ousted from office by lawful lord, seeks to control enough man-ape clans to execute construction of new stronghold, raiding for capital
11. Outbreak of intelligent brain virus with power of mind control: man-apes steal raw materials for spaceship manufacture
12. Dwarf arms dealers making a killing selling to both sides

Things in the Giant Carnivorous Bowerbird's Display

Bowerbirds: I was totally ignorant until enlightened by David Attenborough

d12
1. Awesome center piece: missing fragment of powerful artifact, much sought after by variety of factions
2. Carefully arranged stacks of human-type skulls
3. Pair of extra-large gongs of various description, each fit for the most opulent palace
4. Stone tablets inscribed w/scientific knowledge recorded by prehumans naturally talented in astrophysics
5. Tastefully scattered heaps of golden treasures
6. Dessicated husks of giant spiders in menacing poses
7. Polearms of every stripe jammed into the ground business end up
8. Huge feathers plucked from the carcasses of rival males
9. Stacks of plate armor, shields: slightly worse for wear
10. Wagon wheels and axles upon which unfortunate travellers spin secured by lengths of flowering vines
11. Entrails of various origin dangling from bower superstructure
12. Imperial army helmets in semi-circular design, sorted by rank

Current Occupants of the Ancient King's Tomb

d12
1. Secret meeting place for halfling conspirators: plot calls for bloody uprising against snooty plutocrats back in the shire, equitable redistribution of wealth, many small instruments of war stockpiled
2. Escapees from imperial chain gang holing up for the night: murderous wretches willing to do anything to avoid capture up to and including bearing torches and 10' poles for pitiless adventurers
3. Powerful mystic enduring year long fast while levitating in lotus position, somewhat irritated if disturbed
4. Troll with unpleasant proclivity for crafting and displaying dolls fashioned from the remains of his victims
5. Lone hill giant, former chief ousted in coup led by dastardly rival, fomenting vengeance while lying on belly in cramped crypt
6. Refitted into shabby temple to chaos gods by man-apes just getting into the religion thing
7. Spiritual infestation by hateful shades of those slaughtered in purges during the ancient king's reign
8. Annexed by predatory subterranean worms for use as larder: filled to the brim w/underworld prey creatures living (for freshness) and dead
9. Clutch of very large eggs of unknown provenance
10. Gaggle of transient performers: lost and on the verge of starvation, numbers reduced due to monster predation, still up for putting on a show at a moments notice
11. God of the Rats: crazed wizard bearing ancient king's crown and scepter, worshipped as a god by great hordes of permanently ensorceled giant rats, carry him around crowd surfing style, see to every need
12. Undead form of the ancient king, subject to instant destruction if he leaves the crypt, but perfectly amicable, talkative and totally uninterested in devouring the flesh of the living

Under the Floorboards of the Abandoned Shack

d12
1. Service entrance to the goblin bowling alley
2. Trap door to secret chaos temple doing the hard sell w/local man-ape population: great stockpiles of poor iron weapons, great vats of the thinnest gruel, crude unholy symbols and idols for free distribution
3. Crop of psio-active fungi and slug-man farmer in the employ of wealthy sorcerer
4. Refugee encampment of displaced dungeon pixies in search of new digs, starving, wretched, still vicious
5. Mouldering skeletons and earth-bound spirits: victims of long dead serial killer whose hateful spirit still stalks the countryside
6. Sizable fragment of clay tablet w/cuneiform directions to ancient king's burial mound, tantalizing descriptions of royal grave goods, dire warnings about undead crocodiles
7. Shaft descends, terminates in vast water-filled cavern, ceiling marred by rather large claw marks
8. Disused access tunnel to gray dwarf mine shaft, breached from below and filled with lethal gas
9. 1d12 ghouls sleeping off a bout of epic gluttony, upside: you've found the missing couriers!
10. Indescribable stench emanating from peculiar iridescent stain in the earth: demi-living remains of extradimensional entity, still capable of possessing minds for its own amusement
11. Heavy stone slab covering crypt w/desecrated sarcophagus containing inert vampire w/stake through heart
12. Deceased super-hero's underground headquarters

Eldritch Side-kicks

d12
1. Grim squire of the Anti-paladin: does most of his master's fighting with his mighty extensible barbed tentacles
2. High Priest's butler, unaffiliated with any religion, ready, willing and able to carry out Machiavellian imperatives behind the scenes
3. Youthful ward of the Masked Sorcerer, highly skilled in magically-assisted backstabbery
4. Dragon's attendant/bodyguard: bright young troll ruthlessly conditioned to respond instantly and decisively to widely varied sets of stimuli
5. Man-ape chief's pampered war-gorilla-on-a-leash
6. Junior associates of the lich: coven of extremely venerable magic users clinging so frail they must use magic for everything e.g. Tenser's Floating Hospital Bed
7. Wizard-king's faithful hound w/human head (harvested from deceased favored servant)
8. Vampire plutocrat's personal stylist/victim acquisition specialist: unpaid internship w/the possibility of full vampirization following probationary period
9. Master thief's squadron of imp associates, former servitors of evil wizard yielded to thief in extortion scheme
10. Dwarf lord's enlightened giant badger, eternally grateful for rescue from demon's menagerie
11. Demon prince never leaves home without infernally-engineered man-servant/scholar/master chef/omnilinguist/martial arts expert
12. Stalwart if otherwise nondescript man-at-arms, alerted to dangers and morale bolstered by ever-vigilant ghost parents

Dungeon Geniuses

d12
1. Telepathic giant spider with preternatural charm and persuasiveness: does what spiders do but with 100% cooperation from all fellow denizens subject to bamboozlement
2. Caveman who split the atom using only advanced mathematics of his own invention: hunted by sorcerers seeking to exploit talents
3. Stone giant sculptor of undeniable originality and talent, gallery after gallery of breathtaking non-representational works hewn from marble and granite
4. Dungeon pixie of exceptional intellect, arcane mastery equal to magic user of the highest order, has tiny spell book crammed full of unique spells
5. Man-ape with mutant cerebral development: covered vast cavern walls with incredibly elaborate pictographs of his Rube Goldberg machine-based technological breakthroughs, exiled from clan for aberrant nerdiness
6. Living vapor, coalesced just after the origin of the universe, currently incarcerated by wizard: 99% of knowing the answer to any given question, wants its freedom
7. Slug-man w/magically enhanced intelligence acts as oracle, using superior logic and reason to predict future outcomes with a high degree of reliability
8. Brilliantly insightful serpent man prophet spreads salvation with the swords of his disciples
9. Flesh golem with half a brain hemisphere online: now that its creator is dead, dedicated to elucidating the post-human condition through poetry
10. Giant siliconian worm: consumed crashed alien spacecraft and subsequently assimilated the knowledge of digested computer banks, loaded with cosmic wisdom
11. Escaped scholar/tutor lich, created by sorcerer as research assistant, now obsessed its own unfulfilled academic ambitions
12. Ogre that always wanted to be smart found ring w/three wishes, two remaining

Ravaging the Local Grain Fields

d12
1. The mother of all locusts
2. Nocturnal visitations by the Sky-herd
3. Airborne squadrons of witches distributing shrivel-dust: campaigning for human sacrifice arrangement w/local authorities
4. Cabal of farmhands led by doppelganger incognito as labor agitator
5. Life-syphoning divine embryo gestating in the earth's crust: attended by cultists via secret network of tunnels
6. Blight spirits cackling gleefully in mockery of humanity's efforts to get it together
7. Herbivorous puddings camouflaged by wheat-like waving tendrils
8. Sorcerer requires one zillion calories to feed experimental brood of super-soldiers
9. Mass influx of famished refugees from neighboring fiefdom beset by devil's curse
10. Plague of crows led by enlightened individual of unusual size: coordinated attacks against all comers
11. Rats w/bat wings, escapees from sorcerer's bio-lab
12. The earth itself revolts, denying sustenance to its overpopulous children, the gods impotent, catastrophe imminent, sorcerers set to task of large scale dimensional evacuation

Spanning the Underworld Chasm

d12
1. Giant arcing termite nest complete with miniature ecosystem (fungi, lichens, giant aphids, micro-puddings, etc.)
2. 3-rope bridge hastily contrived and abandoned by adventuring party now dead to a man
3. Sturdy bridge crafted from single dried stalk of titanic fungus
4. Gondola suspended on steel cables operated by winch and pulley system, currently occupied by crazed cannibalistic hermit
5. Mechanical toll-drawbridge/mini-fortress full of murder holes, manned by exceedingly well-armed deep dwarf clan
6. Trolls just use the catapults on either side
7. Rope guided para-sailing gear & magical wind generator stored inside nigh-impregnable lockers
8. There's this semi-friendly giant with an excellent throwing arm
9. Fossilized mythic-sized spiderweb left over from the eldest days
10. Rough bridge of volcanic rock: composed of self-sacrificed bodies of countless lava-men
11. Shimmering spectral arch made of ever-howling ghosts and soul-matter fused and shaped by a wicked sorcerer thinking only of his own convenience
12. Coils of a primordial dragon petrified by the powers of its victorious demigod rival, stairs and footpaths worn in after centuries of use, said to predate the chasm itself

Helms to Astonish

d12
1. Closed helm featuring faceplate shaped as grotesque caricature of cherubic infant face, enchanted to emit piercing wails that disrupt enemies as confusion spell
2. Black steel skull cap w/ bat ears, grants wearer echolocation sense at will
3. Huge bronze dome fashioned in the image of convoluted cerebral tissues: enhances intellect, allows comprehension of ancient languages
4. Scorpion-shaped helm w/animated stinger that fires 3 unerring magic missiles daily
5. Steel cap of occular enhancement: array of monocles mounted on multiple swivel arms provide variety of optical lenses (telescopic, microscopic, night vision, see invisible, etc.)
6. Turtle shell helm of cowardice: enchantment allows user to disappear into the confines of extra-dimensional shell, protected as globe of invulnerability
7. Architect's helm: obelisk-shaped, grants ability to intuit layout of structures, sense thickness of walls, inclines/declines, enhances secret door detection, etc.
8. Helm of Mastery: steel eyeball encloses head, projects mind-control rays from hypno-wheel iris
9. Truth helm: shaped as Devo energy dome, wearer automatically detects lies/deception/sees through obfuscation
10. Invisible helm: separated from ancient hero's suit of invisible plate, gives appearance of headlessness
11. Closed helm w/elongated pig snout: allows wearer to smell through doors, detect truffles
12. Live armadillo-like creature clings tenaciously to head, gives tactical advice, provides encouragement, sacrifices self to protect wearer from otherwise deadly blow

Hireling Reactions 3: Massive Casualties

d12
1. Even grimmer determination
2. Buoyed by fatalistic mores, now more fatalistic than ever
3. Frankly, just happy to be alive
4. Steady, but makes note to renegotiate contract
5. Visibly shaken, sweaty, pale, +1 to future rolls
6. Alternately skittish and morose, given to speechifying on the senselessness of it all
7. Barely able to contain mounting urge to flee, "Game over, man!"
8. Bitter, issues scathing criticism of leadership
9. Uncontrollable outpouring of grief/horror w/much wailing and gnashing
10. Gives notice of immediate retirement, turns in crappy equipment given by PCs
11. Deserts at first opportunity
12. Total defiance, mutiny

Die modifiers:
+1 to roll if treated with typical disregard by employers
-1 to roll if mollified by inspirational oratory by charismatic PC

Hireling Reactions 2: Sudden Riches

d12
1. Suitably impressed w/employer's dungeon acumen: loyalty assured
2. Joyful, ebullient fist-pumping in expectation of juicy bonus
3. Selfless, dispassionate demeanor conceals dissatisfaction w/current contract
4. Visibly drooling w/enhanced avarice
5. Believes self deserving of magic item for troubles
6. Open grumbling about wages/risk ratio
7. Actively looking for opportunity to steal
8. Demands raise, discrete union talk w/fellow retainers
9. Feels it imperative to cancel the rest of the mission to assure safe return w/loot
10. Conspiratorial muttering and scheming, foments mutiny
11. Treasure fever: prepared to fight for fair share and then some
12. Murderous gold madness

Die modifiers:
+1 to roll if callously denied wage enhancement after striking it rich, ill treatment by employers
-1 to roll if contract clearly specifies payment terms in the event of heaps of treasure

Hireling Reactions 1: Mind-bending Terror

d12
1. Laughs heartily in the face of cosmic horror
2. Steady as she goes, admirably composed
3. Holding it together, but just barely
4. Bug-eyed and flabbergasted for 1d6 minutes
5. Brief loss of bodily function control
6. Senseless gibbering for 1d6 minutes
7. Slack-jawed catatonia for 1d6 minutes
8. Must be slapped to stop screaming
9. Bereft of reason for 1d6 minutes
10. Blind, unceasing flight toward familiar territory, will murder anyone in the way
11. Howling madness of the permanently disabling variety
12. Drops stone dead of fright

Die modifiers:
 +1 to roll if exposed to prior terrors, casualties, brazen meat-shielding of other hirelings
-1 to roll if equally terrified of employer, substantial bonus to wages offered

Army of Evil 4: Special Forces

d12
1. Anti-wizard assassin squad, magically hasted and invisible
2. Freelance dragon and his platoon of pterosaur myrmidons
3. Subterranean worm commandos
4. Kamikaze giant bats w/bellies full of alchemist's fire
5. Catapult-launched ogre paratroopers
6. Trebuchet-launched trolls (no parachutes required)
7. Anti-hero long range barbed net launcher crew
8. Giant frogs that leap behind enemy lines, disgorge cackling imp saboteurs
9. Broomstick riders transmitting mass curses while remaining just beyond missile range
10. Warrior giants temporarily polymorphed into normal infantrymen
11. Snake-haired gorgon w/company of blind bodyguards
12. Mercenary samurai of preternatural speed and skill: has already switched sides several times and may actually be engineering this whole battle for his own purposes

Army of Evil 3: Cavalry and Air Support

d12
1. Devil-baboon javelin experts astride armored smilodons
2. Tricera-turtles w/shell payload area loaded with evil pixie stormtroopers
3. Giant bats with sonic paralysis attack and gremlin bombardiers
4. Battle-imps riding giant sidewinders
5. Flying polyps that extrude mobile semi-independent attack cysts
6. Tusked pachyderms piloted by spider archers
7. Winged man-devils brandishing extremely long lances enchanted with magic missiles
8. Unmanned drones operated by wizard recently returned from the 21st century
9. Chaos crows w/random breath weapon and four sets of talons
10. Aerosquid squadrons releasing clouds of corrosive gaseous ink
11. Debased, brain-washed Valkyries riding foul bat-winged reanimate steeds
12. Sorcerers in uniform pointy hats and high-collared capes flying in formation, brains swollen with the wickedest war spells

Army of Evil 2: Heavy Infantry

d12
1. Rabid bull apes with chain mail tunics and war bludgeons
2. Highly trained and disciplined phalanx of ogres in full hoplite gear
3. Bipedal chaos bears in field plate w/mammoth steel battle claws
4. Iron clad evil war priests w/unholy water sprinklers
5. Disgraced paladins deranged by mind-control drugs
6. Veteran Battle Shoggoth, genocide division
7. Hard-bitten division of armored simulacrae of famous champions of good
8. Stone giant whirling dervishes with full plate leg armor: much leaping and stomping
9. Corrosive, incendiary living vapors from another sphere who delight in wanton slaughter
10. Once-noble knights from the half-forgotten golden age of humanity (shabbily reanimated)
11. Owlbears in shock-training collars operated remotely by specialist wranglers
12. Bamboozled spaceship troopers shunted in from alternate dimension

Army of Evil 1: Light Infantry

d12
1. Man-ape shock troopers w/armor-piercing war picks
2. Magically anesthetized berserkers
3. Hypnotized peasants
4. Wave after wave of jolly stone boys singing lively war chanties
5. Hollow men who explode on contact
6. Fire breathing apes unleashed from airdropped crates
7. Man-devils with pitchfork and shield
8. Berserker zombies
9. Flaming hounds
10. Ragtag assembly of brigands, bandits and ne'er-do-wells
11. Graduating class of evil acolytes
12. One zillion magically hastened army ants

What are Those Strange Lights in the Forest?

d12
1. Assembled ghosts of those who perished bitterly in these woods collectively ignite forest fire via pyrokinesis
2. Prancing ogres w/jars full of fireflies conduct some kind of unpleasant mating ritual
3. Lantern light filtered through a preternatural fog that cascades from the mouth of the singular lantern-bearer
4. Luminous floating brains, agents of observation from another dimension, probe their surroundings w/dancing arcs of electricity
5. Slender gray anthropoids emit pulsating lights from their enormous eyes, hypnotizing and enslaving forest creatures for some evil purpose
6. Procession of man-apes led by glowing spirit guides stagger toward their debased version of the promised land
7. Lightning squirrels dealing w/predators in their signature style
8. Flashes emanate from depths of recently opened colossal worm tunnel
9. Intermittent space-time portals crackling in and out of existence in random locations, created from without by an unknown agency
10. Pixie swarm suffers from strange communicable disease, final stage: spontaneous combustion
11. Multiple roving wizard eyes search high and low for an object of vital importance
12. Spell-battle rages between rival insect wizards

What's up at the Underworld Chaos Temple?

d12
1. Closed for repairs after raid by Deep Dwarf Agnostic Jihad
2. Secret unholy ritual in progress, no admittance, heavy guard
3. Open worship featuring mind-bending oratory of chaos, not particularly uplifting
4. Emergency sacrifice required, heavily armed squads hunt for itinerant sentients
5. Partial corporeal manifestation of deity: high priestess expected to be consumed following string of recent screw ups
6. Annual opening of the gates to hellish nightmare plane of unspeakable deity for import/export
7. Implosion imminent! licence revoked by deity after heretical activities by clergy, temple to be destroyed utterly via singularity
8. Infidel attack/looting in progress
9. Temple-wide mandatory fortnight of fasting and meditation
10. War priest seminary training underway: mace practice, human sacrifice class using dummies
11. Desperate times: starving priests, denied powers by disapproving divinity, beg for food and mournfully cry out for salvation
12. Observance of Underworld holy day (see Underworld Festivals and Holy Days)

Automatic Evil Army Field Marshal Generator

Instructions: Roll once on each table below, rationalize results, savor fear in players' eyes.

Table A: Draft animal(s)
d12
1. Team of giant stag beetles
2. Giant tortoise outfitted for battle
3. Team of pterodactyls
4. Blind cave Walrus, tremendous, echolocation
5. War rhino
6. Tusked behemoth
7. Giant Stag, black, fire-breathing
8. Team of mule spiders
9. Team of stone boys
10. Demon yak
11. Team of huge warthogs
12. Team of lobotomized muscle dudes

Table B: Conveyance
d12
1. Combat sleigh
2. Battle cart
3. War wagon
4. Armored rickshaw
5. Chariot
6. Sledge
7. Siege tower
8. Train of war wagons
9. Tactical hover platform
10. Attack throne, wheeled
11. Land yacht
12. Panzerkampfwagen E-100, out of fuel

Table C: Rider
d12
1. Two-headed dwarf with lightning powered cat-o-nine tails
2. Praying mantis-man in space armor w/laser gun
3. Frost giant witch w/blazing war fork
4. Huge ape body w/surgically attached head of renowned weapons master
5. Man-shape composed of thousands of bats
6. Wizard brain encased in robot cuttlefish body
7. Four-armed troll in fireproof action suit
8. Impossibly muscled man, radar dish where head should be, rips men asunder w/bare hands
9. Wizard with giant mutant brain under anti-gravity dome to support soft tissue proliferation
10. Cluster of huge floating eyeballs connected by demi-material mist
11. Intelligent evil bear in high-collared cape, dinosaur skull helmet, power ring
12. Giant clockwork warrior in black armor controlled from within by world's most diabolically clever little girl

So You Ate the Fruit of the Forbidden Bush of Enlightenment

d12
1. Immediately vomit like never before, no further effects
2. Pass out for 1d6 hours, floods of 100% accurate prophetical dreams, awaken spewing mish-mash of half-remembered gobbledygook that's no good to anybody
3. Lose control of all bodily functions for 1d6 hours of continual embarrassment
4. Become public spectacle of euphoric derangement for 1d6 hours
5. Total memory loss for 1d6 hours
6. Stupefaction w/drooling and sub-verbal muttering for 1d6 hours
7. No immediate effect, but haunted by mind-bending nightmares for remainder of life
8. Hair falls out, skull swells to accommodate expanding brain mass, intellect ascends to super-human levels for 1d6 hours
9. Permanent boost in wisdom but forever plagued by paranoid ideations
10. Intellect and wisdom permanently improved, targeted for divine retribution by obscure deity
11. Instant total enlightenment: head explodes in blinding flash and resounding thunderclap
12. Momentary total cosmic awareness: referee hands over all pertinent game information for rigidly timed speed perusal