Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Downtime Activities: The Puny Humanoids

1. Devoted to religious pursuits, review of pictogram scriptures for nightly ritual quiz, crafting of graven images, shrieking out extremely unpleasant prayers, weeding out heretics
2. Training for Ironskull event in All-Humanoid Olympiad
3. Giant spider baiting, great fun for all but the lowest caste members who must do the dirty work
4. Aimless tunneling for fun/relaxation, sometimes to intentionally undermine lairs of rivals, leisure tunnels wind their way around the Underworld w/out rhyme or reason
5. Always seeking new/improved cruelties, hand-crafting of novel implements of war/torture
6. Semi-lethal pranks and practical jokes, fluid tribal hierarchy determined by quality, wickedness, hilarity, complexity of these Rube Goldberg machines of pain and humiliation
7. Occupied 24/7 w/reproduction-related activities, impenetrably weird rituals re: same
8. Composition and performance of intricately structured/interminable drum-odes to Chaos
9. The minute they're off duty it's straight to the opium den for long stretches of euphoric languor
10. Plotting total annihilation of medium-size humanoids, brewing up/weaponizing bacterial contagions in filthy laboratories, stockpiling arms, designing/installing death traps in enemy territory
11. Designing/installing pits/snares/deadfalls for dungeon fauna then doing terrible things to them
12. Under direction of ambitious shaman, entirety of tribe engaged in highly organized cataloging of dungeon creatures, habits, descriptions, towards eventual publication as monster manual, publisher lined up in Imperial Capitol City who feels they'll have a best-seller on their tiny, twisted hands, advance copies of the work-in-progress of extreme value

Monday, September 8, 2014

So You Got Captured by the Evil Humanoids...

How careless of you!

1. Regain senses in Underworld slave market in the marked-down/slightly damaged section
2. Live-shipped via slug-drawn sledge to Monster Chow manufacturing facility for processing
3. Tossed in prison cells with lavish food service of surpassing quality, pleasant, stress-free living, attention paid to health, personal hygiene until sufficiently fattened for sale to well-to-do cannibal gourmet
4. Party manacled together into chain gang labor force, must shovel their way out of hopelessly clogged ancient Underworld sewer to have sentences commuted to mere execution
5. Placed in long queue of traitors, cowards, and outlanders to be catapulted into vast Underworld quagmire loaded w/all manner of ooze, slime, pudding, jelly
6. Awaken already in remarkably airy belly of titanic horror-beast worshiped by humanoids
7. Sent to re-education camp for deep immersion reprogramming, to be accepted as humanoid tribe members of child status following successful brain-washing
8. Used as pawns in arms-for-hostages exchange w/agents of corrupt local potentate
9. Human targets: it's kind of like skeet shooting for humanoid archery/spear training
10. Paralysis drug slowly begins to wear off upon deposit into huge food bowl of giant chained abomination
11. Strapped in to elaborate torture devices but due to staffing issues, you'll be serviced one-at-a-time, humanoids don't really want to know anything
12.  Sold to travelling Underworld circus, sink-or-swim training in various death-defying stunts to begin immediately

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Evil Humanoids: The Bitter Truth about Reproduction

1. When biological alarm clock sounds off they go mad, rip themselves in half while laughing maniacally, each half grows into new humanoid
2. They're sloughing off microscopic zygotes all the time, everywhere they go, immediately enter Darwinian struggle for survival, competing viciously w/single-celled organisms, then insects, then small animals until only the hardiest/most ruthless reach full size
3. Release clouds of spores onto dead human bodies upon which humanoids feed/grow like a fungal bloom
4. Nasal cavities occasionally become stuffed up, blow larval humanoids out their noses
5. Steal human children, subject them to rigorous reprogramming, mutagenic baths
6. Random individuals suddenly stricken, swell to gross immensity before exploding, releasing 2d6 fully formed humanoids, immediately ready for action
7. Amputated parts, if watered regularly, grow into new individuals, donors, however, do not regenerate
8. Exposure to rays of harvest moon triggers budding, takes full season to complete during which they must be protected from harm
9. Powdered essence of humanoid sprinkled onto food of another creature initiates parasitic pregnancy in stomach w/predictably gruesome outcome
10. Singular bubbling cauldron in secret location deep in the Underworld, filled w/primordial soup from the dawn of time, spews forth new humanoids by the dozen
11. At the end of humanoid's life cycle head erupts into dandelion-like flower, releases hundreds of seeds into the wind to grow upon tilled soil in lieu of intended crops
12. Annual unholy ritual begins featuring incessant dancing, cacophony of drums, crazed chanting, copious bloodletting, imbibing of mind-bending intoxicants, entirety of population swept up in riotous bacchanal, how, no humanoid can say but by the next day population has increased by 33%  

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Disgorged Contents of the Giant Snake's Stomach

1. Partially digested magic-user, scorched over 75% of body, hand still clutches wand of fireballs, zero charges remaining, other ex-members of adventuring party incinerated nearby
2. Recently swallowed pellets of Giant Snake Chow, embossed Underworld dwarf maker's mark still legible
3. Entire royal wedding party of dungeon pixies, many small treasures of jewelry among the ruins of resplendent garments, decorations, undamaged scroll contains elaborate map indicating table seating arrangements, menu choices for over 100 guests
4. Formerly enchanted suit of plate armor, crushed flat, occupant's whereabouts unknown but a nude paladin stalks the dungeon somewhere in the vicinity
5. Untapped cask of the finest spirits, crumpled bodies of two humanoids who died thirsty, bitter ghosts manifest to lodge complaints about this final indignity
6. Shoe box size all-terrain excursion vehicle, heavily damaged, occupied by tiny alien explorers w/nothing but terrible things to say about the campaign world via wee universal translation device
7. Hollowed-out giant mouse, body cavity filled w/lethal snake poison
8. Troll busy pulling self together after humiliating surprise attack
9. Black pudding w/ossified exterior, apparently some kind of defense mechanism, slowly cracks open to resume oozing about once danger has passed
10. Hollowed-out giant mouse, body cavity filled w/semi-reliable powder of monster control  
11. Entire chain-gang of puny humanoids, devoured like so many sausages, a terrible fate but arguably better than that Underworld dwarf labor-camp
12. Imp enjoyed stomach acid bath, fell fast asleep, yawns, stretches, resumes previously scheduled wicked mayhem

Monday, September 1, 2014

The Underworld Dwarfs Built It

1. Colossal stone marimba hewn from living bedrock using tectonic magic, dwarf musician strikes w/giant mechanical hammers for unbelievably deep bass tones that make dwarfs want to work even harder
2. Titanic projectile launcher, extensible barrel protrudes from hidden mountain vale, fires bullet-shaped, impact-proofed troop transport containers loaded w/shock troopers
3. The Mountain Inside the Mountain: after hollowing, faux-mountain megadungeon constructed inside, most popular tourist destination for underworld dwarfs
4. Underworld transport system of hydraulic elevators, near frictionless tubes w/super-conductor driven high speed passenger capsules, thousands of dwarfs killed in accidents each year but its so damn convenient no one cares
5. The City of Spheres, perfectly round stone buildings on walls, floor, ceiling connected by tubes running in all directions, built for extinct species of genius amoeboids in exchange for accounting services, giant abacus in city center tracks ancient credits/debits, sacred to dwarfs
6. Automatic Dragon Ejection Device, installed in entrances (both grand and secret) to dwarfish properties
7. Moebius pit: opens on floor and ceiling, equal chance of falling in either direction, fall indefinitely, passing through pit room from opposite trap door, damaging collisions possible w/party members falling in other direction, guards alerted by alarm retrieve giant butterfly nets to seize falling prisoners
8. Chemically programmed giant insect brains purchased from wicked sorcerer across the way, loaded into mechanical crawlers laden w/explosives = anti-humanoid assassin drones
9. Air-conditioned hotel in chamber wall high above spectacular lava pits, heat-proof observation decks, romantic vacation destination for underworld honeymooners, staffed by charming, customer-service oriented, semi-indestructible stone boys
10. Resurrection Stone: vast meteor w/dwarf-shaped impression, returns recently dead dwarfs to life if placed within for 24 hours
11. Personality nullification chamber: cut from singular crystal, after initial hours-long treatment brief daily visits on way to work required to sustain desirable effects, skipping sessions leads to unpleasant "coming down with personality"
12.  Earthquake piston: massive device for undermining surface cities, stirring up mayhem, must be disassembled and rebuilt in new locations, this is the only time you see Underworld dwarfs laugh