Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Dungeon Management, Poor

"I don't know where the god damn secret entrance is."

1. Dungeon Overlord has lost master set of keys, now accidentally locked in on level 10 with other denizens, becoming increasingly irritated with one another
2. Approved leave of absence for significant portion of minions just before wave of dungeon plague sweeps over the remainder
3. Following minion insurrection, pressed into duty new humanoid forces difficult to distinguish from one another, turns out half were carrying offspring and need to lie down quite a bit at this point and not too keen on staffing guard rooms
4. Logistical snafu prevents shipment of minion chow from arriving on time, cannibalism now openly discussed
5. Trap equipment failure on level nine due to lax, negligent upkeep, mechanisms jammed with dead adventurers, important security measure now compromised
6. Key dungeon staff embroiled in clique-war, Overlord attempts to intervene but ends up killing scads of them in frenzy of retribution
7. Lackluster hiring practices leads to sub-par magical support services, unreliable non-board certified sorcery
8. Citing incompetence, dragon on level 8 declares itself the new Overlord, demands abdication, has been secretly bribing denizens for months now
9. Failure to allocate necessary funds for weird tadpole extermination weeks ago results in psychedelic giant frog infestation on all levels in pools, streams, basins, etc.
10. Waste materials piling up all over the place after accidental release of experimental caustic war gas destroyed all the omniverous sewer monsters, up to 3 feet deep in some 10 feet-wide corridors
11. Decision to pursue rumored location of powerful relic in previously unknown "11th level", instead delved too deeply and released a horror currently depopulating the dungeon
12. Drunken boasting at annual Dungeon Overlord conference inadvertently reveals location of ingenious secret entrance, now circulated far and wide among scoundrels, ne'er-do-wells, villains, and ultimately adventurers

Monday, July 30, 2018

Dragon Behaviors, Other

1. Compose works of dragon music for human choir, generally variations on the mind-bending reptilian dirges of their forebears, but vary wildly to the trained ear, human critics characterize these works as "unbearable dragon rackets"
2. Coin stacking to incredible heights, gigantic teetering coin castles reflect incredible skill, knocking them over: not recommended
3. Activate instinctual, introspective psychological self-analysis, painstakingly rewire mental arrangement to achieve ultimate draconic serenity over course of decades, abide forever at peace with universe, can only be attempted once hoarding instinct has been spectacularly fulfilled
4.  Craft epic-length seductive mating dances of astonishing complexity, inscrutable to humans, express full range of reptilian emotions, plumb the alien depths of the draconic condition, lots of subtle wing movements
5. Human husbandry: breed human slaves for various pleasing physical traits like prize roosters ("Look at the plumage on that one"), enthusiastic in attempts to attain/maintain misguided theoretical "ideal" conditions for thriving human population ("How charming, they're forming one of their little heirarchies")
6. Write trashy novels inscribed in ancient draconic cuneiform on huge clay tablets with claw-held stylus, devoted to genre work, tales loaded with dragon sex, violence, objectionable humanoid stereotyping
7. Devote selves to martial art of fine-tuning breath weapon: super-fine beams of tremendous range, extra broad cones for short range, machine gun pulse discharges, controlled bursts of lesser destructive power but increased times/day
8. Create claw-hewn sculptures: monumental in scope, jagged, severe, always abstract but give off unmistakeable totalitarian vibe
9. Hobby brewing of virgin blood-based potables, hoard recipes, virgins like gold
10. Pursuit of advanced mathematics, erect colossal abacuses, kidnap, enslave teams of talented human mathematicians (such as there are), eventually able to perform dimension doortime stop, gate, etc. by completing mental equations
11. Attain complete mastery of bodies at cellular level though meditations lasting years, achieve near-immortality, unlock ability to outmatch cephalopods at camouflage, color strobing, artistic rearrangements of scaly epidermis
12. Some dragons keep pets

Thursday, July 26, 2018

The Sorcerer Never Leaves Home without It

Humanoid minions, inability to suffer fools gracefully: the sorcerer's curse

1. Full fifth of booze magically condensed to fit in thumb-sized vial for discrete post-casting stiff ones as needed
2. Semi-animate shrunken head of former mentor for consultation
3. Two sets of goggles: one that magnifies as per binoculars, the other does the opposite
4. Set of normcore regular joe clothing magically folded a zillion times and crammed into tiny chamber in ring like The Flash, unfolds explosively upon utterance of command word
5.  Fake suicide tablet to be deployed with maximum histrionic performance, renders form seemingly lifeless for period of 10 minutes, during which body exudes intolerable stench: a deal breaker for most looters and dungeon predators
6. One potion erases all spells from memory, follow-up potion contains liquefied memorizations of alternate spell set, saving throw vs. involuntary 8 hour nap required
7. Pocket-sized habitarium loaded with fireflies genetically modified to self-immolate like huge match heads upon command
8. Single-use explosive dagger detonates ten seconds after successful stab, works best when embedded in the back of an arch enemy
9. Invisible full-body hazmat suit with invisible filter mask attachment, proof against limited exposures to most slimes, oozes, puddings, jellies, noxious chemicals, airborne spores, etc., underlings die like dogs wondering why the sorcerer seems unaffected: priceless
10. Satchel of false credentials for several identities in each of the major kingdoms with notarized proof of alignment as appropriate
11. 1000 gold piece diamond secreted between cheek and gum
12. Golden crown riven in twain, automatically fuses back into original condition when placed upon the head of rube the sorcerer wants to convince is one of those Hidden Monarchs

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

They Keep it in the Sack with the Other Jewels

1. Odin's blackened thumbnail, lost in domestic dispute with Thor, of inestimable value to collectors of Norse ephemera
2. Keys to working motorcycle with full tank on Dungeon Level 9
3. Tiny gem-encrusted sarcophagus of the Micro-Paleo Pharaoh complete with wee animate mummy (disease-free) who shrieks out for vengeance if released
4. Single platinum coin from million year-old civilization, works in all coin operated machines and always ejects through the change chute
5. Pair of lozenge-shaped Digestive Aids of the Gods, swallowed fragment enough to eliminate need to consume food but kills the subject in a fortnight
6. Super-genius cockroach encased in amber but still more than willing to field questions (telepathically) about science and philosophy
7. Salt shaker-like container loaded with the crystaline Essence of Pure Deliciousness
8. Shard of solid sun fire in heat-proof box, burns like hell if opened
9. Polished stone False Eye of the Gorgon: if installed into empty socket mimics Medusa's gaze
10. Fossilized angel egg (still viable)
11. Hand-sized ingot of totally impervious, utterly unworkable space metal
12. Leather pouch with ounce of stardust within, scintillates brilliantly if sprinkled, causes permanent condition of levitation if ingested (straight up to the heavens unless somehow anchored)

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Found Among the Regular Scrolls

Barbarian heroes of the Odious Uplands, not big readers

1. Semi-accurate map of juicy nearby dungeon now stripped clean of treasures by expedition of famous evil sorcerer, haunted by noxious gas-giants summoned for spite on the way out
2. Rolled canvas with mind-bending original painting by infamous sorcerer of invisible stalker completed just prior to mysterious disappearance
3. Fancy map of the world prior to most recent global catastrophe, if scratched in certain spots with the edge of a coin paint rubs off to reveal precise locations of dungeons, lost treasures
4. Sealed by wax impressed with chief devil's signet (summons mindless devils of vengeance if broken), contract signed in blood between Lord of Hell and Lord of the Next Manor Over
5. Recipe for griddlecakes of temporary invulnerability (served for breakfast, works until lunchtime), must be dressed with syrup derived from ultra-rare iron oak, only known living specimen in Mad Gardener's mountain top greenhouse 
6. Writ of passage through forbidden zone now dividing the realms of Order, signed by evil God Queen herself, presumably still honored by monsters and humanoids that would otherwise annihilate human travelers, potential new trade route!
7. Map indicating position of ancient lost treasure some 500 feet beneath the local Lord's manor (appropriated from previous Lord, now deceased), accessible via unknown shaft concealed beneath floor in busy concubines' chamber
8. List of prominent citizens (including relatives and known associates) believed to be fomenting armed uprising against beloved regional potentate
9. 100% accurate diagram of the Planes of Existence, totally at odds with currently accepted schema
10. Complete plans for manufacture of dungeon hovercraft, technological innovations carefully explained, requires ample supply of antigravistone believed in hoard of prominent dragon
11. Official court papers declaring status as non compos mentis, rights and property forfeit, signed and notarized, name of subject left blank
12. Instructional poster w/pointers for locating, exploiting nerve-cluster known to temporarily reduce dragons to quivering heaps when struck with blunt force at just the right angle