Saturday, March 31, 2012

Security Measures at the Sorcerer's Tower

1. Selectively permeable mobile defensive wall of aero-plankton
2. Security chief: totally nude, deaf, blind and ancient master of unarmed combat enshrouded in magical darkness and silence
3. Underground brain controls extensible tentacle array, variously armed, network of tubes provides access to all points
4. Trained bull rhinos w/above average tactical cunning patrol grounds 24/7
5. Encircling garden of giant hypno-flowers tended by giant dragonflies
6. Hundreds of evil pixie knights astride vicious war-chihuahuas flinging bombs of bewilderment
7. Identity check point w/bio-engineered olfactory sensor creature checking aroma profiles
8. Perimeter wall of animate zombie flesh
9. Field of death spore fungi land mines
10. Moat of liquid nitrogen
11. Magnetic field projector capable of wrenching armor from the bodies of aggressors
12. Wall of lightning provided by captive wizard locked in time loop

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Non-combatants of the Underworld

1. The Deep Surveyors: subterranean cult on never-ending mission to accurately map entirety of underworld for an incomprehensible purpose
2. The philosophers of stone: serene and immovable
3. Mathematically inclined sessile mollusk men, the living calculators of the deeps, in constant consultation with sorcerers, engineers and contractors
4. Bioluminescent stench farmers: inscrutible artistes of odor
5. Mentally-deficient and extremely cowardly scavenger men who flee before any foe, regardless of perceived strength
6. Body builders of the deeps: so busy continuously flexing, lifting giant stones, bending steel, and admiring each other they remain oblivious to most everything
7. Fur devils: so cute and cuddly even hungry predators leave them alone, totally non-violent but entirely evil
8. Recorder beasts: masses of goggling eyeballs scuttling around on spider legs, do nothing but take in information, excrete crystalline matrices of encoded data, easily slain
9. Halfling-sized bug men: master builders of underground cities, will not fight, but hire excellent security forces
10. Gorgeous ones: demi-human race of uncanny dark beauty that primps and preens to the exclusion of all other activities
11. Giant floating angel fish of the gas-pocket caverns
12. Self-flagellating Death God worshippers locked in bitter struggle for enlightenment via protracted auto-annihilation

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Symbiosis in the Dungeon

1. Charlatan evil high priest delivers sacrifices of flock to hovering eye in exchange for timely use of ray powers
2. Ghouls hide in giant snake's belly until prey cornered, emerge suddenly and paralyze extra victim for snake
3. Giant beetles dispose of bodies for assassins' guild who lavish them with TLC
4. Subhumans employ giant ape for erecting monoliths in exchange for fresh maidens
5. Orcs gain near-invulnerability from aggressive and disfiguring body fungi infestation
6. Dragon sustains jellies with waste/leftovers in exchange for cash horde cleansing and protection
7. Pudding lives in gut of land kraken as digestive aid
8. Ogres feed flightless cave vultures, benefit from their heightened senses and squawks of alarm
9. Manticore serves as mount of devil for protection/choice victims
10. Sorcerer feeds sphinx magic for service as research aid
11. Hydra and chimera enjoy strange multi-headed kinship and mutual protection
12. Dungeon fairies lead bamboozled prey to giant spiders in exchange for bolts of spider silk building material

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Disastrous/Abandoned Projects of the Gods

1. Cosmic stairway: construction terminated somewhere in the ionosphere due to budgetary constraints, now used as draconic nesting site
2. Pyramid shaped world: proposed resting place for immortal souls until discovery that properties of attendant black star instantly rendered spirits irretrievably insane and evil
3. The Sky Forest: soil cloud too unstable, taken over by airborne fungi, now giant lumpy mass acrawl with terrifying symbiotes
4. Sapient dinosaurs: upon release into creation exposed themselves as potential threat to divine authority, extinction event carried out preemptively
5. Experimental two-element pocket universe: Teardrop World suspended in a sphere of air
6. The Cavern of Alternative Physical Laws
7. The Lost Republic of Sentient Vegetables: left to own devices by the gods due to lack of interest, now reduced to tiny deep jungle enclave, inadvertently passed on the gift/curse of intellect to several deep jungle herbivore species
8. United Pantheons grand meeting hall: desecrated and destroyed by members of intentionally excluded pantheon, now inhabited by their monstrous offspring
9. Multidimensional observatory: ruined and flooded during inter-pantheon cold war, recently raised in suspect seismic event
10. Maximum Security Penitentiary of the Gods
11. Orbiting Pleasure Dome: crashed to earth following particularly massive bacchanal
12. Trans-planar God-Ark: decommissioned and scuttled following the discovery of the more-nearly omniscient Trans-gods

Monday, March 26, 2012

Pain in the Ass Treasures

1. Fully loaded treasure chest magnetically adhered to distant ceiling
2. Pot of gold magically suspended over yawning chasm
3. Platinum meteorite beckons from bottom of monster-infested subterranean lake
4. Famous magic spear sticking out of understandably irritated tyrannosaur
5. Bejewelled statue stored at bottom of deep spiked pit
6. Diamond-studded earring adorning ear of giant ape monarch
7. Fancy jewelled collar on attack-trained wyvern
8. Adamant statue brandishing powerful artifact in unshakable grip
9. Huge diamond on rocky outcropping in center of vast lava pool
10. Fire giant lord w/platinum dental grill
11. Tirelessly animate solid gold cheetah running loose
12. Jewels scattered over beach patrolled by amphibious orca

Sunday, March 25, 2012

The Gastric Obstruction that Killed the Colossal Worm

1. Several ingots of alien metal of unknown provenance
2. Compressed mass of an ocean-going vessel
3. Complete set of mining equipment for small work crew
4. Magical glaive embedded in duodenum
5. A jewel-studded throne
6. Heavily pitted and corroded enchanted shield
7. Weird fluke-like parasite (fluent in several languages) swollen to gross immensity
8. Half-digested but still actively aggressive demon
9. Anaphylactic shock induced by previously unknown dwarf allergy
10. A tangled pair of war-chariots laden with various implements of violence
11. A magically protected wardrobe filled with pointy hats and robes
12. Shouldn't have eaten the guy in the ornately spiked field plate

Friday, March 23, 2012

Vengeful Shades

1. Warrior w/numerous arrows in back mutters about being elected point man
2. Disembodied head of court jester inaudibly gasps out lame one-liners
3. Ghoul-chewed cleric now bitter heretic after turn undead failure
4. Aristocratic form frothing from mouth clutches empty flask (definitely not the healing potion he ordered)
5. King brandishing cloven crown roars out curses against barbarian usurpers
6. Spectral wizard smouldering from fouled up fireball
7. Once beautiful green slime-covered maiden screams out her angst
8. Heroic warrior form speaks through slit in throat
9. Sorceress head on skeleton body rants about being left behind and eaten by rats
10. Perfectly flat ghost (crushed in dead fall trap) hates professional adventurers
11. Several pieces of thief float about recounting terminal "scouting ahead" mission
12. Posthumously unionized gaggle of ex-torchbearers seek former employers to file formal complaints

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Ill-tidings from the Cleric's Patron Deity

1. Disapproves of recent activities: tithe doubled until further notice
2. Enlightenment enhancement required: fasting, meditation, self flagellation recommended
3. Order to meditate on particularly mind-bending paradox, issue report on findings
4. Bad connection: 1d4 extra hours of meditation required to restore powers
5. Message delivered by proxy: deity not available at this time, restores low level spells only
6. Dogma redaction: error discovered, new dogma to follow
7. New covenant: sea change on divine level triggers total reexamination of cult requirements
8. Brace for hostile takeover attempt from unknown pantheon
9. Automatic writing assignment, addendum to scriptures required for new converts, deadline: tomorrow
10. Adjustment to proselytizing requirement: now thrice daily
11. New arch-enemy revealed, holy war immanent
12. Total loss of contact: god missing and feared destroyed

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

This Dungeon Has Weird Floors

1. Translucent material with swirling phantasms beneath
2. Stretched reptile hide
3. Cushy fungi carpet
4. Covered in thick layer of a very fine white powder (instantly airborne)
5. Hot to the touch, protective footwear required
6. Slightly bouncy: enhances jumps once mastered
7. Complex mosaic filled w/ancient coded messages
8. Acid-polished to near-frictionless condition
9. Deep semi-circular groove worn down center
10. Undulates rhythmically
11. Cunning tile arrangement produces optical illusion of tilt
12. Randomly semi-permeable

Monday, March 19, 2012

Surprisingly Helpful Hirelings

1. Darx the fletcher: constantly making new & improved arrows out of found materials
2. Munn the torchbearer/unemployed cartographer
3. Man-at-arms Zim: trained under famous chef (killed by Zim in an unfortunate incident), capable of making rations into a memorable dining experience
4. Wahu the wary: detects traps/secret doors with latent psychic powers
5. Keen-eyed Kruun: more likely than average to spot objects of value
6. Brill the bat-whisperer
7. Switt the suddenly self-sacrificing: will fling self between master and incoming dangers
8. Moogumbo the spear carrier: generous with hand-crafted juju bags of protection
9. Frix the fleet-footed: an exceptionally fast sprinter
10. Corgo the cognizant: able to remember important detail forgotten by adventurers
11. Cosmopolitan Cruin: knows one language unknown to adventurers
12. Man-at-arms Flang: never leaves home w/out at least three doses of his mother's mystical tonic of healing

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Wilderness Bivouac: Report from First Watch

1. Echoes of strange semi-musical pipings in the distance
2. Sudden gust of wind carried strong smell of smoke, diminished rapidly as wind changed again
3. Spectral figure appeared near perimeter, muttered unpleasantly to itself, vanished
4. All quiet until stroke of lightning momentarily revealed countless menacing silhouettes nearby
5. Huge luminous disc crossed sky, hovered briefly over encampment (hireling missing)
6. Ambient outdoor noises instantly silenced, as if the wilderness itself was listening for something, resumed after brief period of ineffable terror
7. At one point the night-baying of some predator specifically mentioned party member by name
8. Harassed by flying insects that produce a noise like mocking laughter
9. Thick fog rolled in obscuring everything, seemed to contain tortured faces, dissipated rapidly
10. Shooting stars fell in unprecedented numbers in the intended direction of the expedition
11. Procession of thousands of rats passed by harmlessly
12. The earth trembled slightly w/scraping sounds from deep below ground, now silent because its listening to us right now...

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Yeah, But THIS Troll...

1. Proselytizes for the troll god by offering sacramental samples of its flesh (see subtable below)
2. Has one head controlling three troll bodies (two of which are headless)
3. Speaks several languages, attempts to rationally demonstrate why adventurers should sell him one or more party members
4. Bleeds healing potion
5. Produces new heads/limbs when severed as per hydra
6. Continuously bellows out song of derangement
7. Multiplies via dismemberment
8. Has vestigial bat wings, shafts of crimson light radiating from eyes and exhales black smoke
9. Regenerates imperfectly: current form is semi-ambulatory mash-up of extra limbs, organs, heads, eyes, etc.
10. Is so rubbery it literally bounces everywhere like a rubber ball
11. Is ashamed of its own nakedness, would trade much to be outfitted as sophisticated urbanite
12. Just ate a 500 year old cask of spirits, suddenly plunged into deep introspection, searching for mirror to stare into awaiting epiphany of self-knowledge

Subtable: Effects of Consuming Sacramental Troll-flesh
1-2 Grow unsightly troll nose (smell troll-prey up to 10 miles distant)
3-4 Develop trollish appetites
5-6 Hair changes into shock of spiny bristles
7-8 Skin becomes green rubber-hide
9-10 Congratulations! You now regenerate.
11-12 Transformation to troll form complete in 72 hours

Friday, March 16, 2012

More Wonders of the Underworld

1. The Abyssal Caldera: sight of multiplanar collision and consequent reality breakdown
2. Great Migration of the Cave Worms: annual event marked by festivals and strange observances
3. Non-Euclidean complex of the multi-dimensional ones
4. Niagara-size waterfall that goes up
5. Cave-sepulchre of dead gods: super-powerful agents of divine decomposition pose chief threat 
6. Sculpted halls of the art-beetles (extinct): baroque alien aesthetic mildly mind-bending
7. Mountain of bones, personal collection of the death god
 8. The Grand Chasm: staggeringly vast, spanned only by the Gondola of Peril
9. Mecca of the giants: near-continual stream of giant pilgrims
10. Ruined war-demon factory and test arena: access forbidden by sentry-tribe of subhumans
11. Hanging garden of slimes, puddings, jellies and ooze
12. Life-size statue of incomprehensible god Thloo-huloo exposed by tidal cycle of the Lightless Sea

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Oracle has Bad News

1. Despite your 10 ft. pole, you shall perish alone in a pit
2. In the blackest abyss you will understand that man cannot eat gold
3. Mark well your lover, who secretly hungers for the blood of the living
4. Your end comes slowly in the belly of a hungry god
5. Just after your greatest triumph you shall be blasted to tiny bits
6. A short scrawny man, naked but for loincloth and dagger, will totally hand you your ass
7. Those jewels are glass
8. An indescribable horror will be your only companion
9. You shall writhe in perpetual torment in a personal hell of your own choosing
10. You must kill your friends before something worse happens
11. Your own arms and armor shall betray you
12. The oracle has determined you are fated to trigger the apocalypse, pretends the future is too cloudy to read, notifies team of assassins as soon as you leave the premises

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Obstacles and Hazards Indicated on the Treasure Map

1. The Exploding Fen
2. Tombland: landscape dominated by towering cairns of an extinct sentient species
3. Ferociously defended grazing lands of the bison men
4. The Great Mother Pudding
5. Head-hunter infested banks of Shark River
6. Blighted plain: a blasted moonscape teeming with ghosts
7. Semi-impassable Razor Cliff and the Poison Jungle beyond
8. Fog bank of bewilderment
9. Barrier rift featuring vertical ecology (alpha predator: giant dragonflies)
10. Savages whose stock-in-trade is man-leather
11. Plateau of extreme elevation, passable by strapping oneself to specially adapted snow beasts
12. Steaming lava plain: mating grounds of the fire elementals

Monday, March 12, 2012

Recent Edicts from the Usurper King

1. Harvest festival cancelled due to mandatory training for unexpected launch of industrial revolution
2. Based on horrifying reports, construction to begin on new giant anti-monster walls w/huge extensible spikes, press gangs dispatched to round up workers
3. Exorbitant new adventurer tax to be levied on ne'er-do-wells entering city gates
4. Sunday shall henceforth be known as Gambling Day, observances at all local temples
5. Thieves' Guild officially disbanded, mass executions scheduled
6. Merrymaking now enforced by law
7. Strange and terrible new patron deity named, non-affiliated temples to burn
8. Commemorative statues of U.K. to be erected throughout city, summary execution of all vandals
9. Now hiring: thugs and cutthroats sought for band of elite enforcers
10. Highly-trained security ogres assigned to every corner to ensure public safety
11. Switch to silver standard announced, gold must be turned in to nearest collection station
12. Miss Usurper pageant to be held, entrants chosen by public beauty inspectors, up to 100 winners will be selected for compulsory harem duty

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Weird Underworld Locales

1. The Invisible City
2. Fungus Island on the Sea of Protoplasm
3. The Halls of Tedium (devoid of both monsters and treasure)
4. Divine Singularity (The Swollen God has gone supernova and collapsed)
5. Worm land: ruled by the immortal Lord Fluke
6. Pocket solar system in 0-G spherical cavern
7. The University of Madness
8. Time-slip River: upstream = back in time and vice versa
9. Dissolute Sea: entropic demi-matter, adamant-hulled vessel required
10. Hidden Retreat of the Blind Cave Philosophers: perpetually debating the laws of chaos
11. Spirit cauldron: boiling over with spiritual remnants and fragmented files
12. Fertile chasm: seething chaos-fueled engine of creation continuously spews forth novel life forms

Saturday, March 10, 2012

The Witch Doctor's Utility Belt

1. Shrunken head array: selections span available sentient species, ensorcelled variously (see subtable below)
2. Obsidian mind-control belt buckle with pulsating gem
3. Juju-loaded sling stones, sling enchanted for accuracy
4. Carefully stored tissue specimens from various enemies
5. Bottled spirit of malice
6. Customizable effigies w/a variety of miniature torture devices
7. Tubes filled with various powdered stupefying agents: nasal delivery system
8. Petrified dragon dung: wards off many hostile spirits
9. Bag of divining bones: remains of tiny unknown hominids
10. Astonishing variety of hand-held rhythm instruments
11. Exploding smoke capsules: many colors/pyrotechnic effects
12. Secreted flask of sanity-restoring hard liquor

Subtable: shrunken head powers
1-2  Emits deafening scream
3-4  Eyes snap open, blast out death rays
5-6  Hypno-gas cascades from mouth
7-8  Floats about psychically relaying sensory data
9-10  Serves as spiritual/transdimensional translator
11-12  Bites like hell

Friday, March 9, 2012

Down the World Dragon's Gullet

1. Enzyme attack! Vessel hull breach in 2d12 minutes
2. Whirlpool: forcefully excretes anything caught within into random world
3. Aggressive phagocytes: attack as giant black puddings
4. Age-withered questing hero and party in iron clad vessel: lost to madness
5. Series of ducts lead to...(see subtable below)
6. Levitating parasitic worm-oracle dispensing trans-planar wisdom
7. Wizard and homonculi crew piloting experimental bathysphere
8. Hygiene cells studded with indigestible treasures
9. Cyst-shrine of the dragon cult
10. Corpse-strewn and blasted battlefield: site of ancient autoimmune malfunction
11. Ruined keep atop crystalline outcropping (devoured centuries ago)
12. Skeletons and other partially digested remains of gods, demi-gods, and heroes

Duct destination subtable
1-2: Heart: violently propelled to next destination (roll again)
3-4: Spleen: exposure to fluids amplifies rage and hate
5-6: Phlegm pits: trapped forever
7-8: Lungs: filled with explosive gasses and gale force winds
9-11: Brain: induces apoplexy in World Dragon w/potentially catastrophic results
12: Colon (Hades-like zone of the mournful dead)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Underworld Transport and Hauling

1. Colossal centipede: operated by sub-human* masters of arthropod husbandry, moves like clockwork between feeding stations (cargo only)
2. All-terrain beetles: up to 4 riders, operated by bio-joystick in thorax
3. Snail-driven sledges of the neutral slug-folk: cargo only, insured, reliable, extremely slow
4. The Lava Schooner
5. Paleogean network of suction tubes: 25% chance of disastrous malfunction/use
6. Flying polyp: enterprising sorcerer makes slave entity available for speedy deliveries (living cargo must submit to temporary encystment), fees exorbitant in the extreme
7. Sarcophagus-shaped transmat booths: relics of a lost civilization, touching glyphs on the inside dictates destination
8. Stone-wheeled land barge powered by pedalling galley apes
9. Ogre-driven rickshaws
10. Train of giant ants: queen deploys her forces in exchange for surface delicacies/magic
11. Underworld Excursion Vehicle (UEV): life's work of underworld-obsessed sorcerer/scientist, provides protection from attacks/elements, array of defensive weaponry (e. g. fireball turret), bio-engine fueled by concentrated food pellets

*Subterranean human: the hairless, chalk-white skinned men native to the underworld

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Gonzo Footwear

1. Boots of automatic fleeing: sense precariousness of wearer's life energies, force involuntary retreat at need
2. Shock socks: walking for one hour in these outlandish woolen garments grants a single lethal static discharge
3. Sandals of recklessness: magically induces feelings of invulnerability
4. Slippers of panache: impeccable leather shoes instantly grant considerable charisma bonus
5. Mukluks of  Imperviousness: protective guardian spirits woven right in to elaborate design
6. Galarund's Galoshes: wearer able to safely walk on (w/out sinking) any type of mire, sludge, slough, mud, muck or morass
7. Crystal boots: besides looking awesome they repel spells of evil intent and enhance helpful magics
8. Radiant moccasins of non-conformity: provide magical light and bolster personal idiosyncrasies of wearer
9. Combat cleats: allows for attack bonus due to sure-footed stability and raking kick attacks
10. Hip-waders of protection: remain dry and comfortable even in a deluge of biblical proportion
11. Shoes of Hades: Bat-winged patent-leather loafers allow entrance into the realm of the dead
12. Laser-pumps

Monday, March 5, 2012

Near the Hovering Archipelago

1. Cloud terraces of the Wind Sultans
2. Locust-like swarms of sky krill
3. Ram scoop-feeding aero-rays
4. Gas-bladder jellies w/ miles-long tentacles
5. Demi-material sky manse of the alien observers 
6. Web-parasailing giant spiders
7. League of sorcerer's dirigible laboratory
8. Way station for the Sun Chariot
9. Cloud-hive of the hornet-men
10. Domain of Miasmus the Mist Lord
11. Sky mine of the bat-winged dwarfs
12. Air elemental's bacchanal: where hurricanes are born

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Weird Dragon Breath

1. Cascading waves of time: massively accelerated aging
2. Cone of serenity: save or achieve involuntary enlightenment
3. Blast of revulsion: subject unable to remain in the same physical space as dragon
4. Scintillant ray of hypnosis
5. Cloud of pathogens: 1d6 random diseases attack simultaneously
6. Miasma of resentment: dragon's assailants turn against one another
7. Beam of luck: positive or negative at will
8. Illusion breath: rolls over scene replacing reality with phantasmal nightmare visions, save for mere bewilderment
9. Spatter of digestive enzymes
10. Unstable gasses: torchbearers beware!
11. Cloud of misery: uncontrollable emotional meltdown, save for melancholia
12. Thunder storm breath: lightning, deafening peals, damaging winds propel massive hailstones

Friday, March 2, 2012

Quick Cultural Quirks: The Barbarian

1. Cycle of moon dictates bathing schedule
2. Strong oral tradition = a monotonous chant for every occasion
3. Ritual smoking of the pipe before, during or after just about every activity (special equipment: pipe holster)
4. Belief that monies are essentially unsavory, must be spent as quickly as gained
5. Will only fight to the death, easily insulted to boot
6. Blood-bond ritual mandatory for all true comrades-at-arms
7. Minor self-mutilation as penance for surviving defeat
8. Once a blade is drawn, it is dishonored by returning to sheath unbloodied
9. Shades of fallen foes haunt the victor forever: attributes all misfortune to shade interference
10. Only a fortnightly naked moon dance lasting several hours can control bad juju build-up
11. Driven to continually challenge others to athletic competitions
12. Native tongue composed of animalistic hoots and hollers (battle-cry: chimp-like shrieking)

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Additional Nuisances in the Frozen Wastes

1. Militaristic society of ice fairies hatching scheme to purify region by magically depopulating it
2. Ancient army of a forgotten culture frozen in its tracks while on the march (trajectory points to ruined city)
3. Hunting grounds of the wooly tyrannosaur (prey:  the ferocious land walrus who in turn feed upon ice lemmings)
4. Elevated outpost of the imperial war-tobogganeers
5. Frost giants rounding up mammoth calves to train
6. Crevasse entrance to the Forbidden Pleasure Dome of the Snow Gods
7. Towering snow colony of the giant white magpies (collectors of bright and shiny objects)
8. Lost City of the Glacierites: blue-skinned denizens devolved remnant of an advanced pre-human civilization
9. Recently escaped fire giants flee pursuing Glacierites captors while slowly perishing of exposure
10. Ice labyrinth of the deranged cryomancer
11. Volcanic steam garden: populated by savage wooly neanderthals
12. Ghost pack of the Wolf King who once ruled these lands