Monday, May 26, 2014

The Half-Crazed Sailor's Report: The Mermen

1. Latest internecine struggles winding down, merman populations depleted, intruding telepathic cephalopods on verge of take-over, will pit mermen against terrestrial cousins once again among other less intelligible schemes
2. They spend all their time worshiping/proselytizing for their serene-yet-still-disturbing fish god, otherwise languish helplessly enlightened
3. Busy undermining Chief Port of the Imperium's foundations via secret sea-caves
4. Preparing virulent strain of land virus in undersea laboratory facility, scads of abducted humans used as test subjects
5. Year-long religious observance puts them off their game and ripe for conquest while they float meditating in lotus position, the time to strike is now!
6. Economic system rigged to favor top one-percent for decades, inevitable revolt finally in progress, armies controlled by fat cats senselessly annihilate lower castes to maintain order, terror reigns in the deep cities
7. Propagating thick kelp forests to obscure monumental undersea building project of unknown purpose
8. Training domesticated whales (and other sea monsters) for suicide attacks against human shipping concerns
9. Breeding project to create amphibious super-being seems to be going well, giant-sized bipedal half-mer seen striding atop the waves
10. Population hopelessly addicted to hallucinogenic enzyme produced by tiny mollusk, situation groovy but dangerously unstable
11. Booming technological progress has left terrestrial science/sorcery in the dust, sub-sea Manhattan Project nears completion
12. Period of involuntary fecundity doubles population in short span, expansionist regime looking for seaside city to sink/inhabit following sorcerous tsunami


I just noticed this Lulu coupon code for readers in the US:
Grants 25% off on all standard and premium books (and The Dungeon Dozen book, click the cover at the top left of this page). Redeem before May 26th at 11:59pm, doesn't work on ebooks/PDFs.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Dungeon Dozen PDF: Now Available More Places

One of many, many illustrations from The Dungeon Dozen Book/PDF

As of a few hours ago, The Dungeon Dozen PDF is available at RPGnow.

Even more recently, the previously mentioned PDF went live at the d20pfsrd shop.

Please patronize the retailer of your choice!

And finally, I will again remind those purchasers of the book version (see the top left of this page for a link to Lulu), forward me a copy of your Lulu invoice to gurnalon at gmail dot com and I will send you a free copy of the PDF.

Regular bloggery to resume tomorrow. Sorry, folks, but until such time as some heroic publisher swoops in to relieve me of this terrible burden, I MUST SELF-PROMOTE!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014


Now on sale at
Over 200 tables from this site, each bookmarked for ease of use, lavishly illustrated
Just like the book, really, only made of pixels. 

SUPER-IMPORTANT NOTE: If you order or are a member of the exalted class who have already ordered a book version, email your Lulu receipt to me at gurnalon @ gmail dot com and I'll send you a free copy of the PDF.
Thank you!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Forces Under the Sea King's Command

Roll multiple times, commence war against the surface dwellers
1. Radio controlled giant crab shock troopers for amphibious assault, operators housed in arrow-proof carapace cockpit atop shell
2.Elite corps of highly sophisticated octopus swords-masters, spat powerfully onto enemy decks by giant grouper troop transports, abide by rigid Bushido-like code of honor, wear dashing wet-dry scarves
3. Hull piercers: giant mollusks w/reinforced ram-shells, sessile until commanded to attack, expend life energies in explosive launch from strategic ocean floor placements
4. Troop transports: gelatinous spheres, soldiery immune to digestive enzyme, roll up onto beachhead, disgorge payload, commence semi-indiscriminate feeding frenzy
5. Attack-trained giant starfish, stealthily adhere, cling to ships' hulls, gnaw multiple breeches w/steely mouthparts, remain sealed until starfish detach simultaneously for sudden catastrophic hull failure
6. Half-man, half-sea serpent warriors, stronger, speedier, hardier than mermen, capable of serpentine locomotion on land, vicious, hateful, cruel by nature, skilled at arms but poisonous fangs in a pinch
7. Undead-Queequeg has joined the other team, commands crack squad of re-animated harpooners
8. Porpoise crossbowmen, surgically attached human arms, turns out they are hard-wired to be exceptionally expert marksmen, nail targets while arcing majestically through the air, reload underwater
9. Huge bivalves able to jet themselves onto enemy craft, open to deploy amphibious troops
10. Lungfish-men, an evolutionary cul-de-sac, they make war as gleeful expression of fatalistic philosophy, almost extinct which is OK by them
11. Artillery-kraken capable of blasting ink 240', multiple ink sacs hold variety of ammunition (caustic, adhesive, hallucinogenic)
12. Flailwhales

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Potion of Water Breathing: Possible Side-effects

1. Subject develops bulbous, piscine eyes w/associated blank, soulless stare
2. Gill slits form in neck, lungs diminish but remain functional, permanently amphibious
3. Unpleasant fishy personal aroma detectable at 20' for 1d12 days or until vinegar bath
4. Sudden wholehearted devotion to unsavory fish god
5. Skin gets all wrinkled and convoluted for 1d12 hours, there is shrinkage
6. Once back on dry land, hounded incessantly by seagulls
7. Tentacular suckers appear on hands and feet bestowing variety of pros/cons
8. Mollusk brain: familiar mammalian values/thought patterns replaced by sinister alien mindset
9. Uncontrollable urge to adopt aquarium hobby
10. Undersea-sickness: debilitating nausea, loss of equilibrium for potion's duration, subject obscured by clouds of vomit
11. Lungs entirely vestigial, must take up permanent underwater habitation
12. Illusory experience of death by drowning at half potion's duration, actually OK but must be convinced via pain-in-the-ass debate, presentation of empirical evidence

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Ill Met by Sea

1. Trireme loaded w/religious fanatics on pilgrimage to isolated holy site, chanting oarsmen under heavy mind-control make excellent speed, golden effigy of hideous deity displayed on prow as if to tantalize sea-borne adventurers
2. Extremely large open-top vessel festooned w/fruit-bearing vines, blooms, fronds, stalks of every description, a floating garden piloted by doom cultists on mission to renovate remote, currently barren island prior to imminent apocalypse
3. Intelligent cephalopod envoy in safety cage atop orca steed/bodyguard, en route to Chief Port of the Imperium bearing declaration of war against humanity
4. Salty sea dogs cling to timbers from ship smashed by strange water titan still at large, descriptions vary wildly from sailor to sailor
5. Gargantuan whale surfaces, opens mouth revealing sorcerer in repose on baleen, ready to lay geas on rough and tumble adventurer types for a sinister errand
6. Giant human face rises to just below surface, utters entirely unpleasant oracular prediction in bubbling radio announcer voice, sinks into obscurity
7. Seagulls flock over massive merman die-off, surface of water slick w/poisonous residue, nondescript empty barrels float nearby but will soon be extracted by pteranodon under wizard-control
8. Sea-King's miles-long wedding procession visible on ocean floor, illuminated by zillions of enthralled bioluminescent creatures, moratorium against wanton mayhem of any kind, respected by even the meanest sea monsters, violate under pain of death plus gratuitous torture
9. Huge kraken uses a few tentacles to create a distraction on one end of adventurer's craft, seize and remove any treasure aboard with the others
10. Psychic sea serpent sends out distress signal, disguises telepathic voice, pursued by frenzied pack of sharks ensorcelled by rival
11. Heavily armed blue mermen demand toll from any who would cross their stretch of ocean, red mermen show up one mile later, demand even bigger toll or tribute paid in blue merman heads
12. The Towering Pedestrian of the Waves: giant demigod in robes, exudes calm serenity except for flaming eyes, will lower self to communicate w/lesser beings, makes beeline for Imperial Capital City to exact terrible vengeance for past crime

Monday, May 12, 2014

The Sea Witch's War Kit

Roll several times to properly outfit the Sea Witch
1. Break-away canister of attack-trained vampire krill on chain around neck
2. Hypodermic rig loaded w/concentrated healing potion in belt pouch, jams into thigh at need
3. Tiny crossbow mechanism on wrist guard, dart w/25' spool of wire, rigged to shoulder bag full of electric eels
4. Coat of Polyps, shelled anemones arranged as per scale armor, poison tentacles lash out up to 5'
5. Waterproof scrolls filled to capacity w/colorful variety of death spells
6. Vials of various cephalopod inks in bandoleer: caustic, poisonous, of invisibility, repellent, eau de toilette, etc.
7. The Whistle of Whale Speech
8. Obligatory sea-blade of slicing strapped to calf
9. Sea urchin grenades in basket at waist: filled w/unstable gases, bred to explode upon forceful contact sending neurotoxin-tipped spines rocketing in a 20' radius
10. Hooked rope, harness for breaking/riding legendary undead megalodon, Sea Witch hopelessly obsessed, needs adventurer-blood for unholy summoning ritual
11. Enchanted trident, relic of extinct merman civilization, tines launch as torpedoes, adamant warhead slices through armor before detonation
12. Enslaved servitor (see subtable below)

Subtable: The Sea Witch's Enslaved Servitor(s)
1-2. Mutant cuttlefish clings to back, distended body cavity provides high speed propulsion
3-4. Re-animated disembodied hand of sea giant: faithful, obedient, dog-like intellect, rib-crushing strength
5-6. Sea Witch rides pair of evil telepathic dolphins Sea World-style
7-8. School of thousands of tiny angler fish, act in concert to provide transportation, protection, bioluminescence, collectively assume throne-shape for formal occasions
9-10. Giant merman bodyguard/personal attendant, ancient beyond reckoning, last of extinct species, constantly suggesting ways to improve Sea Witch's villainous status
11-12. Human-sized prawn squire/equipment caddy, easily rattled, surrender-prone

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Sunken Treasures and Associated Threats

1. Relic holy to particularly wealthy cult embedded in hide of extremely hateful whale
2. Mummified wizard head in jar, preserved cerebral matter laden w/unknown spells, currently in digestive tract of unusual sea serpent
3. Adamant chest plate, former property of extinct colossus, infested by hibernating giant body lice
4. Giant platinum coin dropped by careless transient space god, cherished by subsequently mutated half-merman/half-shoggoth
5. Viral load in magically sealed flask, airborne contagion w/potential to depopulate the surface, worn around neck on cord by fish-tailed sea angel
6. Titanium antediluvian bank vault (sole architectural remnant of civilization), fully loaded safety deposit boxes, access difficult due to nearby whirlpool connecting to unpleasant alternate campaign world
7. Undersea grove of sea apple trees that impart water-breathing capability if eaten, guarded jealously by evil dolphin farmers
8. Huge enchanted gem in use as false eye by vain kraken, partially blinded by surface dweller harpoon expert and not one to forgive and forget
9. Waterproofed crate filled w/tomes of forbidden knowledge, proximate sea-bottom patrolled by ghost of evil librarian
10. Barrels of liquid resurrection (healing potion of the gods), rumored to have been lost during pre-human epoch, buried under silt stalked by spirit of death in form of shadow shark
11. Formerly popular deity in chains, exiled to sea bottom surrounded by skulls of executed priesthood, location under watch by vicious naval templars of newly preeminent cult
12. Cursed golden obelisk lost en route to ancient imperial coronation, covered w/highly aggressive undead coral polyps of astonishing size

Friday, May 2, 2014

Yeah, but THIS Sea Serpent...

1. Face splits open to reveal cerebral tissues pulsating w/psychic potency, places most intelligent human present under mind-control to act as mouthpiece, issues inscrutable demands (see subtable, below)
2. Exceptionally elusive: surges in from below, cripples isolated ships w/blunt force just to watch them sink, becomes visible momentarily during attacks but eyewitness descriptions vary wildly, immune to spells of detection
3. Begins laughing upon sighting lone vessel, a high-pitched hyena-like cackle, needle toothed fish mouth twisted into hideous smile
4. Rows of extensible oversize flippers allow spectacular leaping/gliding, like right through sails/rigging, onto deck crowded w/tasty humans
5. Head of a wizard, pointy hat w/chinstrap, gesticulates w/tentacle beard, casts variety of maritime spells
6. Escaped prisoner of armored dolphin warriors (in hot pursuit), wants to hide out in ship's hold
7. Giant body of indeterminate length, seems to go on for miles, can throw enough mighty coils to crush a fleet in one go
8. Currently recruiting soldiers for war w/mermen to satisfy personal vendetta, tends domesticated mollusks that produce water-breathing enzyme
9. Announces presence, grants time to board lifeboats before destroying ship
10. Shoots streams of super-heated water, internal boiler-organ explodes violently if slain
11. Commands army of barracuda, on the run from superior forces of intelligent cephalopods
12.  Hopelessly in love w/titanic ancient kraken that compulsively guards treasure-laden graveyard of sunken vessels

Psychic Sea Serpent: Inscrutable Demands
1-2. Just wants to eat a single adventurer, the rest may go on about their business
3-4. Insists all golden treasure be thrown overboard
5-6. Requires detailed information re: regional navies
7-8. Needs human breeding couple, never mind why
9-10. Must have large quantity of lethal poison
11-12. Craves surface delicacies like cake, booze