Friday, August 29, 2014

Downtime Activities: The Troll

1. Fastidious cleansing of dungeon corridors, detritus collected, sorted into heaps according to semi-impenetrable trollish categorization scheme
2. Decorates areas adjacent to lair: skull garden of stacked heads, femur collection presented vertically, perpetual unsatisfied w/results, constant rearrangement required
3. Stalks, sneaks up upon, scares the hell out of lesser humanoids for cheap thrills, upon success emits excruciating peals of hideous high-pitched troll-giggles for hours
4. Enters torpor upon feeding, stares off into space, motionless but for a thin trickle of drool, until agonizing hunger pangs return at last
5. Physical training for flaming pit-leaping competition in upcoming All Humanoid Olympiad
6. Artisanal meat-packing/processing, countless unsavory salamis hang drying from lair ceiling in preparation for annual Underworld Sausage Festival
7. Meandering exploration of dungeon environs, punctuated by experimental attempts to digest novel flora, fauna, unfamiliar inanimate objects
8. Involuntarily swept up in aimless instinctual migratory pattern, must remain constantly on the move like a great white shark of the dungeon, lairs used collectively as way-stations, one almost never encounters the same troll twice
9. Following substantial feasting upon human flesh becomes temporarily gentle, playful as a kitten, but of course it can't last
10. Cultivates impressive yard of reeking, multicolored, bioluminescent molds on walls, floor, ceiling outside lair, groovy psychedelic effect perhaps incongruous w/known trollish savagery
11. Enters state of helpless stupefaction, extrudes stream of countless tiny larval trolls through aperture in neck until only withered husk remains
12. Seeks out and destroys all nearby sources of fire, acid

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The Barbarians Call it "Style"

1. Crude tattoo of totem monster covering at least 25% of available canvas, may only wear armor on remaining 75%
2. Sleeveless half-shirt of passably gleaming mail, snake skin g-string, leather strap straining under weight of lethal ironmongery
3. Thick mammoth-leather armor that covers everything but the naughty bits
4. Human hair & scalp full-body jumpsuit, hair greased to stand on end
5. Necklace made of mummified paws of giant snow-cat, inward pointing claws, tightened before battle
6. Codpiece crafted from pelvic bone of Deinonychus, broad-brimmed straw hat
7. All R&D efforts of tribe seemingly expended upon advanced footwear, stone-age equivalent of high end cross-trainers in all the colors of the rainbow, position/rank in tribe easily determined by degree of splendor
8. Hauberk made from layers of petrified teeth of the woolly land-shark, hair smeared w/reeking fat, shaped in tribute to dorsal fin
9. Outlandishly wide/thick leather belt laden w/death-dealing implements, that's it
10. Cave bear fangs installed in mouth via magical dentistry, tight-fitting bearskin pants
11. Tall black leather helmets festooned w/multitude of small dried pterodactyl wings
12. Unsavory symbiotic arrangement achieved with blood-drinking creeping vine, produces attractive, leafy covering w/some protective value, flowers when spritzed w/blood of enemies which must be provided regularly else the barbarian host be drained