Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Just About to Overrun the Wilderness Outpost

1. An army of tiny children's skeletons
2. Puny humanoids, joyous following a particularly fecund nesting season, unconsciously obey biological imperative to control population by flinging themselves into poorly considered battle
3. Disgruntled cavemen, furious over desecration of hunting grounds by intruders from civilization, muster while awaiting arrival of shaman w/titanic mastodon under holy hypnosis
4. Unprecedented gathering of slimes, oozes, puddings, jellies attracted by arrival at outpost of adventurers bearing unknown relic stolen from the Underworld
5. Company of particularly mighty barbarians rendered 100% obedient from inhalation of malign, immortal, sentient gas cloud from adjacent dimension, trapped by cosmic incident, profoundly bored, seeks entertainment via toying w/humans, engineering perpetual mayhem
6. Witch demands return of artifact stolen while on sabbatical, permanent thunderstorm positioned over outpost in otherwise cloudless sky, horde of previously-harmless forest creatures stand by to go over the walls, outpost leader orders all known adventurers hauled in for questioning, light torture
7. Following brutal exile from the Big City, entirety of metropolitan underclass, well-armed after picking over recent battlefield en route, demand entry/succor or desperate/hopeless battle
8. Refugees from neighboring, even more poorly funded, recently overrun outpost, forced into encampment outside the walls at the mercy of wandering monsters during prolonged vetting period, have had just about enough of this treatment
9. One million snakes as per Serpent God's orders, deliver cold vengeance: dissed by outpost leader when only 2nd level, Serpent God forgets nothing, forgives never
10. As feared, bandit clans finally united under highly ambitious, charismatic barbarian who systematically beat the shit out of each petty bandit lord one by one until they swore fealty, now strongholds, forts, keeps, castles must stand and deliver
11. Six-person crew of crashed spaceship seek sheltered spot to repair escape craft, near-invulnerable in powered armor, death rays mow down men-at-arms at will, zero regard for human life, just not interested
12. Half of outposts' own forces attack from within, subject to destructive madness after consuming delicious experimental food product purchased from subterranean humanoids

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Street Wildlife in the Big City

City gardens overrun by gnomes. Citizens advised to
avoid eye-contact, report sightings to Imperial 
Ministry of Pest Control.

Wildlife abatement workers wanted!

1. Bald ravens w/elongated necks roost near saloons, swoop in like vultures to exploit lethal outbreaks of mayhem
2. Disgruntled ex-familiars form gang, launch crime wave featuring collective spell casting, use identity theft to rent tenement dwelling for collective use
3. Tiny swine stampede between trash heaps, overwhelm lone drunks w/numbers, stripped to the bone in minutes
4. Everybody hates sewer apes
5. Load of exotic wood for aristocrat's vanity gazebo project brings species of buzzsaw-faced termites, sound like tiny belt sanders at midnight, sudden building collapses all over town
6. Hateful squirrels spit caustic saliva on passersby, vandalize public spaces w/artistically-placed excrement
7. Anthropomorphic giant rats walk on two legs, run protection rackets, beat the shit out of teamsters to steal sacks of grain, wear hats
8. Plague of gorgeous toucan-like birds perch wherever the hell they want, help themselves to fruit vender's wares, defend their personal space w/hatchet-like beak attacks
9. Body lice abandon their hosts at midnight, get together in the streets for social mixers in their millions
10. Rumor birds mimic human speech, hang around the swanky parts of town, widely disseminate only the juiciest gossip
11. Alley jaguars, exceedingly rare, make effort to only take wicked children, urban-camo fur sought after by fashionistas
12. Nude, hirsute, semi-intelligent gnomes actually boon to city gardens, work their magic by night, record yields consumed in feeding frenzy just prior to harvest

Friday, June 23, 2017

Rumors, Fake

By policy, the Emperor Lich spews forth falsehoods at every opportunity

1. The emperor's policy quadrupling anti-monster spending the only thing that keeps borderlands from falling to the forces of chaos (f)
2. The jolly wizard's tower under construction just beyond the end of the ancient road is a good place to shelter on your way to the dungeon (f)
3. Local adventuring gear purveyor carries items of word-class craftsmanship, prices considered competitive empire-wide (f)
4. Iron rations deemed excellent for long term consumption by Imperial Ministry of Comestibles (f)
5. Local sword smith is so damn good even his most humble wares equivalent to magic weapons, each tested on genuine, semi-impervious demon skin (f)
6. Don't be fooled by dungeon sorcerer: he's always shirtless, sometimes pantsless, overdeveloped thews lumpy & veiny, crisscrossed with scars, misty with sweat, square-cut black mane, carries a two-handed sword that is actually a wand (f)
7. The bandit lord is a fiercely independent free spirit and friend to the common man, not at all in the thrall of obscure Underworld godling (f)
8. The old gods are stone dead now, their temples to be raised, church coffers forfeit, thanks to heroic intervention by new official state deity (f)
9. All the seers, mystics, shamans, priests, soothsayers, mediums, psychics had the same dream last night: terrifying visions of nightmare future society shared by human, elf, orc, halfling, goblin, giant, dragon and dwarf in peace and equality (f)
10. Huge shipment of potions from overseas alchemists consortium due any day now on under-protected ship travelling incognito (f)
11. Subterranean humanoid psychics tampered with local adventurers' guild elections, newly installed puppet guild overlord immediately tightens rules and regulations governing Underworld Exploration License-holders (f)
12. The nearby dungeon is ideally suited for fledgling adventurers just setting out to make their fortunes (f)

Saturday, June 17, 2017

City of the Subterranean Humanoids: Breaking News

"If we ever hope to destroy our enemies utterly, we must
unite as a people. The ban on political assassinations, though
unpopular in certain quarters, can only help in our progress
 towards a more civil discourse in city-state government"
- Supreme Overlord Kurobulon II
1. Exchange student program with Science Fungoids off to difficult start, Cathedral of Inquiry quarantined after explosive fungal bloom, intelligentsia 90% wiped out, sudden vacuum in academia creates opportunity for sophists, charlatans, crackpots
2. Rich vampires in town with load of treasure for an unknown purpose, lodging with aristocrats, heavy security presence, surface human trafficking assures populace of relative safety from random attack
3. Contact lost with sister city near the Reverse Waterfall, under siege by blind antler men offended by some unknown transgression, sages, interpreters struggle to figure out what the hell is going on
4. New status symbol: re-educated stone boys on sale for exorbitant fees from sorcerer's firm, so far they remain cheerful and obedient, crafts guild cannot keep up with fancy palanquin orders, moribund anthracite coal (stone boy chow) market spikes
5. Lava festival at public Flow Park in full swing despite unexplained boom in fire lizard population, safety assured by city government, attendance encouraged, freelance explorers needed to probe dormant tubes
6. Dignitaries in town representing The Other Subterranean Humanoids pretend to bargain in good faith, peace process facilitated by impartial interlocutors chosen from popular chaos cults with vested interest in ongoing conflict
7. Franchise temple of the Mindless God sacked by adventurer scum from the surface world, all passes revoked, visiting surface folk detained for interrogation, travel ban enacted, citizens advised to submit to mental probe on demand from cult officials
8. Newly tamed giant pill bugs comprise city waste management program, rumor has it rogue bugs tunneled throughout city (breaching private residences, vaults, tombs), uptick in missing humanoid cases
9. City-wide megadance scheduled for next week, streets/neighborhoods organize routine with one another, rehearsals underway at all hours, Supreme Overlord to observe entire population in synchronized action from vantage point atop winged platform, foreigners in town encouraged to participate, but must shell out gold on ludicrous outfits
10. Food trend sweeps city from the upper class on down: rare cave mollusks imported from Steam Vents, served on the half-shell, mild hallucinogenic properties provoke unwanted enlightenment in soldier classes, government cracks down but many rich folks are already addicted
11. Burning of the dead once again mandatory after swarm of undead emerged from popular bottomless pit burial site, new taxes levied to finance ambitious pit cap project
12. Time-honored practice of political assassination outlawed following ascension of charismatic sorcerer to Supreme Overlord station, rival assassins guilds unite in protest, threaten to assassinate indiscriminately until tradition restored, bureaucrats bemoan this softening of the culture while laying off food tasters, doubles, anti-assassination specialists

Monday, June 12, 2017


A voter declines to participate in exit poll. 

The subterranean humanoids, burned by generations of rule by an increasingly insane super-rich aristocracy, decide to give democracy a whirl.

Supreme Overlord Election Results
1. The most physically attractive candidate wins by keeping mouth shut, relying on pure sex appeal
2. Witch with strong maternal instincts convinces populace of need for guidance from an authority beyond the petty concerns of clan and faction, proposes defense updates including impenetrable dome of darkness, will bolster fecundity with new emphasis on loosening sexual mores, swinging bacchanals
3. Huge lump of alien fungus capable of speech and convincing mimicry of intelligence, bio-logarithms generate semi-impenetrable yet competent-sounding pronouncements, responses, voters approve of extreme outsider status
4. The General runs on a platform of prejudice, hostility, aggression, greed, immediate war with neighbors to bolster short term economic concerns, will put languid, decadent population back to work or on the march
5. Wizard from the surface world offers favorable trade agreement with human empires, import novel goods, foodstuffs, slaves, favorable export deal for Underspirits, wicked Underworld arms, highly addictive , ultimately lethal smokable fungi crop
6. Blowhard with 18 Charisma runs on pure bullshit, intimidation, rages against false intellectual tyranny of the smarty-pants class, knows how to handle aristocrats, private army: ostensibly bodyguards but straight up goons poised for Night of the Long Knives-style action
7. High priest of the Worm Sultan makes a hell of an impression with live endorsement appearance by the godling itself
8. The Master Inquisitor of Nul the Mindless God sways the vote with demonstrations of the blessings of mindlessness, economic boon of massive construction contracts paid for entirely by cult monies (fabulous temple to be installed in center of subterranean city following demolition of temples to rival gods)
9. Zealot of obscure godling of the downtrodden fans flames of class resentment, within hours of election mass decapitation of the rich begins, very loosely organized redistribution of wealth follows
10. Traditionalist candidate promises a return to hard-ass asceticism/ultra-violence of the good old days, "a cuirass and sword for every child", each morning begun by marching up and down the square
11. Familiar old aristocrat wins by a landslide of "better the devil we know" sentiment
12. Roll twice more: popular vote goes to first result, electoral college goes to second, both sides immediately activate assassins and attempt simultaneous purge

The Opposition Reacts
1-2. Multiple assassins activated to be followed by bloody purge
2. Factions left out in the cold engineer immediate civil disobedience to be followed by bloody rioting
3. Public smear campaign, dirt dredged up (or made up) and spilled all over the public square, legal case made for impeachment
5. Temporary shocked paralysis, impotent hand-wringing
6. Consumed by in-fighting, recriminations, murderous self-destruction inevitable

Saturday, June 10, 2017

The Dragon has a Powerful Hankering

Once a dragon gets an idea in its head, the notion will see fruition even if it takes a thousand years.
Even if it has to seek out and employ wretched human adventurers.

1. Got a sudden taste for pork and its going to take a lot, like all of it in the realm delivered quickly no matter the cost, when sated see subtable below
2. Needs a change of pace from all the hoarding, looking to hire temporary treasure guardians (subject to extreme vetting by freelance sorcerers), will depart to unexplored territories with human cartographers, scribes, away team housed in dragon-portable trailer
3. Not in it for the money anymore: ego-stroking and fawning veneration, that's what really matters, seeks silver-tongued devils for several full time positions
4. Would feel much better knowing world-famous Anti-dragon Relic, heirloom of royal family, was safely locked away or better yet tossed into a volcano
5. Wants a gigantic castle designed with dragon accessibility in mind for once and a fabulous view, close to urban center, never mind the cost, that's what giant piles of gold are for
6. Lusts after fashion-forward cape and bejeweled harness by the hippest designer in the big city
7. After severe withering following conflict with now-deceased magic-user, must have prosthetic forefoot, preferably mecha, of the finest craftsmanship and up to rigorous aesthetic standard, already hoarding raw materials
8. Fascinated by dolphins as romanticized by visiting sage, envisions forging bonds of brotherhood in common fight against wretched humans, must book temporary lodgings seaside (by proxy)
9. Hoard overload must be reduced if it is going to fit into the fashionable new off-grid tiny lair, will trade gold for gems, low-end magical trinkets & large collection of weird taxidermy for sale
10. In order to traverse the cold vacuum of space, a little-known draconic biological imperative that only afflicts the truly ancient, requires carefully designed space helmet or custom ensorcellment to that effect
11. Needs something to break out of lingering miserable mood, that thing is a heroic dose of sea serpent venom which dragons metabolize like alcohol
12. Yearns for restoration of lost youth, assembling interdisciplinary team, needs ancient stela from lost city, pages from volume in the Forbidden Library, rare ingredients available only deep beneath the Mountains of Mourning, liquefied lich or vampire

The Dragon's Next Craving
1. The stinkiest cheeses in the land
2. Steak and kidney pie, writ large
3. BBQ potentates, like so many chicken wings
4. Pickled dudes
5. Sweagledactyl (like turducken, but swan/eagle/pterosaur)
6. Back to straight up virgins

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Cultural Quirks of the Subterranean Humanoids

It's grim.

1. An artsy bunch: when not engaged in standard mayhem they stay busy crafting hideous decorative objects in all media from any available materials, some produce skillful depictions of skulls, implements of war, terrifying monsters that clutter every wall and horizontal surface, others extemporize hateful lyrics to relentlessly unpleasant newly improvised tunes
2. Practice daily ritual bath in vat filled with tiny filth-eating insects, renders humanoids fresh and clean, feels funky
3. Money composed of gold caltrops, silver axe heads, copper projectile points, IOUs written in blood, secured by suicide pledge
4. By ancient treaty, each city ruled by council of elders from neighboring city that hates their guts
5. When indebted, they say thank you by murdering someone you hate
6. Coming of age ritual involves getting lost in the wilderness for 1d6+2 years, if caught before this time elapses: summary execution
7. Potentate recently ordered use of perishable Underfruit as legal tender to bolster short term spending
8. Excellent, highly productive builders but saddled with aesthetic sensibilities of honeybees, its all endless stacks of hexagonal cells
9. It takes a village to ensure that all the children are properly pre-traumatized to prepare for hardass martial lifestyle
10. Casual eugenics program starting to pay off, population down but healthy, muscular, just-brainy-enough, and thirsty for conquest
11. Just short of death sentence: conscription into Literary Corps, forced to learn to read for lifetime of hellish scholarship
12. Mores hammer home the point: life sucks, death will be awesome, but no one is allowed to die until they perform 12 services to the state

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Atop the Tallest Peak

1. Peak sheared off, set aside, columns inserted, peak replaced creating roofed space, ruined city within, Samson-like fellow among weird occupants, if so moved could single-handedly bring the whole thing down
2. Lair of the Lethal Guru, first attained peace, then total enlightenment, followed swiftly by cosmic psychopathy, welcomes pilgrims, murders them one-by-one like slasher movie killer
3. Heap of massive stone platonic solids in roughly conical arrangement, gaps infested with giant bacteria, fed upon by bat-winged aero-trolls, great danger, no treasure
4. Colossal stone easy chair, stack of unfinished scriptures (incomprehensible god-jottings, doodles, diagrams), tree trunk-size Stylus of Revelation retains powerful enchantments
5. Nesting site of giant mountain vulture flock, great communal nests woven from thorny brush protrude from all sides, dishonored remains of famous adventurers await proper burial within, to approach peak one must first pass through the toxic vulture shit zone
6. Playground of the Ice Children: delighted laughter audible on approach, fun comes to instant halt upon arrival of intruders, upon closer examination the swing set is made of frozen people!
7. The Ancient Ones replaced summit with monumental rotating gun turret w/single barrel, fires ray of enlightenment, single charge remaining, range limited only by the curvature of the earth, worshipped by gun cultists who must undertake pilgrimage to bask in its awesomeness
8. Titanic stone tyrannosaurus head symbolizes monotheistic deity once universally venerated, interminable peace and harmony ended by judicious detonation of neutron bomb by early mammal terrorists, mummified reptile clergy still at their posts
9. The Forbidden Library: operated by wizard cult, near-complete collection including prehistoric stone texts,send forth invisible servants to acquire newly published works/to reclaim overdue materials, borrowing privileges granted following completion of pain-in-the-ass quest
10. Peak honeycombed with thousands of Tombs of Horrors, final destination for wizards and liches of the highest station for most of known history, permanent encampment of building contractors forever installing or refurbishing, random funeral parties
11. Vast vault now occupied by giant cuttlefish made of magical silver in a pool filled with its own digestive fluids, must absorb nutrition transdermally, only uses human-like mouth to dispense semi-reliable prophesies with which to lure visitors poolside
12. Extinct caldera carved into stadium wherein paleogean giants held their Olympic-style games, secret hoard of giant-size platinum, gold, electrum, silver, and copper medals rumored stashed somewhere inside, roar of phantasmal crowd audible for miles around, ever-present danger of giant ghost jocks

Monday, June 5, 2017

More Darwinian Struggle in the Underworld

They will not rest until their enemy is defeated utterly!

1. Cabal of necromancers in need of constant supply of fresh corpses versus popular new cult with business ties to sepulcher builders guild, dedicated to elaborate funerary practises and secure interment for future resurrection event
2. Legitimate royal line of subterranean humanoids versus Subterranean Humanoids for a Democratic Society following failed purge
3. Cerebral puddings versus mindless yet strangely united slimes, oozes, and jellies for prime feeding grounds
4. Formal rivals of nearly forgotten pantheon versus upstart neo-godlings, evil high priests on both sides work overtime on conscription, mass bamboozlements, seizing loot for war chests
5. Subterranean humanoid adults versus their own children following declaration of independence by new generation born with next-wave evolutionary features including advanced enlightenment, blank stare, soulless eyes, astonishing viciousness
6. Levitating gold-eaters intruding from adjacent sphere versus tabulator giants (huge, musclebound, terrific at math but otherwise mentally negligible) with controlling interest in Underworld Mint
7. Colossal semi-intelligent naked cave buffalo versus giant talking sword beaked hummingbirds over animus incurred over the course of long symbiotic relationship
8. Private waste management firms of the subterranean humanoids versus one another for gigs
9. Trans-planar sentients' League of Beautification versus mutant humanoids' Union of Vandals
10. Cult of the Terror God versus itself in schism over interpretation of scripture, specifically proper cultivation of fear in day-to-day dealings with others
11. Giant cave crustaceans versus giant cave mollusks, just another outbreak of hostilities fueled by their eternal natural enmity
12. Evil wizard obsessed with monster ecology versus evil wizard obsessed with fiendish traps, puzzles, and riddles, minions/allies/dupes make proxy war on one another, invisible stalkers everywhere