Tuesday, December 2, 2014

YEAH, but THIS Manticore...

1. Will spare anyone willing to endure a lengthy reading of it's original poetry
2. Worshiped as (evil) deity by pride of sentient lions w/subtly human-like faces
3. Poison from variant scorpion-like tail acts as healing potion when administered in tiny doses, full stinger injection induces "death by healing" as tissues of victim redouble grotesquely until appalling cellular crash
4. Savage fangs, throat-rending claws and everything but eats only cake, swoons if presented one of surpassing quality
5. Looking to extract bribes of gold, jewels, must amass fortune to pay off blood debt to dragon
6. Ravishingly beautiful human face, desperately wants a kiss, if you kiss it w/sincere empathy it will (80%) transmute into original identity of ancient monarch, or (20%) bite your face off
7. Overwhelming instinct to protect children, everyone else can go to hell
8. Lusts for wizard flesh, blood, and spell-laden brains
9. Reads a lot, has awesome library, a master of trivia, spellbinding raconteur, at some point in conversation spine-covered tail lashes out, taking it upon itself to initiate lethal mayhem
10. Recently elected representative of dungeon guardians in wage talks with Dungeon Overlord, anticipates imminent assassination
11. Under blackmail threat by troll who witnessed illicit tryst between manticore and Dungeon Overlord's significant other, now must hunt for insatiable troll mouths as well as own
12. Has waited patiently for uncounted years for arrival of prophesied champion who will ride manticore into battle

Sunday, November 30, 2014

What the Well-Dressed Dragon is Wearing this Season

1. Pictogram tattoos covering wing-membranes depicting self-congratulatory episodes from dragon's career, small army of tattoo artists often imprisoned nearby
2. Sealed, tinted goggles, nostril plugs linked by tubes to air tanks on back ostensibly for extreme high altitude exploration missions, but look so cool they've caught on
3. False fangs of titan ivory, elaborately scrimshawed w/various symbols of death/power, must be removed for comprehensible speech
4. Stylish, if frequently unnecessary, bejeweled eye patch
5. Timeless elegance of simple necklace of paladin skulls
6. Cast-iron wrecking ball on tail-extending prosthetic in variety of pleasing/spiky shapes
7. Claws painted in baroque detail by kidnapped artist who, by way of Stockholm syndrome/strange simpatico, has become dragon's only true friend
8. Grand Pope-style hat, encrusted with shiny bits, affixed to jaw by strap, size indicates expansiveness of lair
9. Woven gold body-stocking gives the luxurious feel of sleeping atop heap of riches w/out all the disorderly mess
10. Decorative body harness of giant reptile leather, polished steel plates situated over vital areas add protective value to otherwise encumbering get-up
11. It's all about epaulets this season
12. Offensive overdose of highly objectionable dinosaur-musk cologne, completely eradicates tell-tale dragon stench, but at what cost?

Monday, November 24, 2014

Mere Hours Remain

Lulu is running a half-price sale on hardcovers that ends today, and I really should have mentioned this sooner (though I found out late in the game anyway), but for heaven's sake anybody who might enjoy a handsome hardcover copy of the Dungeon Dozen book should JUMP AT THIS CHANCE! AT ONCE! LINK BELOW!

Enter coupon code HC50 on the checkout page to get the discount.

In related news, production work has begun on the Dungeon Dozen Volume Two, which is exciting for me, but a long slog lies ahead, so I won't be mentioning it much until we begin closing on on completion.

Also, if you haven't yet, make sure you check out my new all-monster blog, They Stalk the Underworld.


Monday, October 20, 2014

Name That Barbarian!

1. Bloodlips of the Depleted Hills
2. Hazmax the Arch-decapitator
3. Groat Yanbrine, warrior of the Undesirable Valley
4. Ahk Thunderbowels of the Marginlands
5. Howling Yowk, Registered Berserk
6. Ogle-Eye the Wasteland Observer
7. Moag the Spleen Collector
8. Calambur, Last Son of Starvation Hollow
9. Khoog of Wretchland, King-throttler
10. Quatrox the Remorseless, Slayer of Fools
11. Ugos Cleaverhand, Bastard Son of the Axe God
12. Bear-No-One-Understands

Sunday, October 5, 2014

DANGER: New Blog Approaching Your Perimeter

Hey folks, I'm not abandoning the Dozen anytime soon, but to keep things fresh for myself I've started a new blog to share and warehouse my ever-growing list of dubious creatures and malevolent entities, including many of the weirdos and creeps hinted-at in various Dungeon Dozen entries. Please check it out.


Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Downtime Activities: The Puny Humanoids

1. Devoted to religious pursuits, review of pictogram scriptures for nightly ritual quiz, crafting of graven images, shrieking out extremely unpleasant prayers, weeding out heretics
2. Training for Ironskull event in All-Humanoid Olympiad
3. Giant spider baiting, great fun for all but the lowest caste members who must do the dirty work
4. Aimless tunneling for fun/relaxation, sometimes to intentionally undermine lairs of rivals, leisure tunnels wind their way around the Underworld w/out rhyme or reason
5. Always seeking new/improved cruelties, hand-crafting of novel implements of war/torture
6. Semi-lethal pranks and practical jokes, fluid tribal hierarchy determined by quality, wickedness, hilarity, complexity of these Rube Goldberg machines of pain and humiliation
7. Occupied 24/7 w/reproduction-related activities, impenetrably weird rituals re: same
8. Composition and performance of intricately structured/interminable drum-odes to Chaos
9. The minute they're off duty it's straight to the opium den for long stretches of euphoric languor
10. Plotting total annihilation of medium-size humanoids, brewing up/weaponizing bacterial contagions in filthy laboratories, stockpiling arms, designing/installing death traps in enemy territory
11. Designing/installing pits/snares/deadfalls for dungeon fauna then doing terrible things to them
12. Under direction of ambitious shaman, entirety of tribe engaged in highly organized cataloging of dungeon creatures, habits, descriptions, towards eventual publication as monster manual, publisher lined up in Imperial Capitol City who feels they'll have a best-seller on their tiny, twisted hands, advance copies of the work-in-progress of extreme value

Monday, September 8, 2014

So You Got Captured by the Evil Humanoids...

How careless of you!

1. Regain senses in Underworld slave market in the marked-down/slightly damaged section
2. Live-shipped via slug-drawn sledge to Monster Chow manufacturing facility for processing
3. Tossed in prison cells with lavish food service of surpassing quality, pleasant, stress-free living, attention paid to health, personal hygiene until sufficiently fattened for sale to well-to-do cannibal gourmet
4. Party manacled together into chain gang labor force, must shovel their way out of hopelessly clogged ancient Underworld sewer to have sentences commuted to mere execution
5. Placed in long queue of traitors, cowards, and outlanders to be catapulted into vast Underworld quagmire loaded w/all manner of ooze, slime, pudding, jelly
6. Awaken already in remarkably airy belly of titanic horror-beast worshiped by humanoids
7. Sent to re-education camp for deep immersion reprogramming, to be accepted as humanoid tribe members of child status following successful brain-washing
8. Used as pawns in arms-for-hostages exchange w/agents of corrupt local potentate
9. Human targets: it's kind of like skeet shooting for humanoid archery/spear training
10. Paralysis drug slowly begins to wear off upon deposit into huge food bowl of giant chained abomination
11. Strapped in to elaborate torture devices but due to staffing issues, you'll be serviced one-at-a-time, humanoids don't really want to know anything
12.  Sold to travelling Underworld circus, sink-or-swim training in various death-defying stunts to begin immediately

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Evil Humanoids: The Bitter Truth about Reproduction

1. When biological alarm clock sounds off they go mad, rip themselves in half while laughing maniacally, each half grows into new humanoid
2. They're sloughing off microscopic zygotes all the time, everywhere they go, immediately enter Darwinian struggle for survival, competing viciously w/single-celled organisms, then insects, then small animals until only the hardiest/most ruthless reach full size
3. Release clouds of spores onto dead human bodies upon which humanoids feed/grow like a fungal bloom
4. Nasal cavities occasionally become stuffed up, blow larval humanoids out their noses
5. Steal human children, subject them to rigorous reprogramming, mutagenic baths
6. Random individuals suddenly stricken, swell to gross immensity before exploding, releasing 2d6 fully formed humanoids, immediately ready for action
7. Amputated parts, if watered regularly, grow into new individuals, donors, however, do not regenerate
8. Exposure to rays of harvest moon triggers budding, takes full season to complete during which they must be protected from harm
9. Powdered essence of humanoid sprinkled onto food of another creature initiates parasitic pregnancy in stomach w/predictably gruesome outcome
10. Singular bubbling cauldron in secret location deep in the Underworld, filled w/primordial soup from the dawn of time, spews forth new humanoids by the dozen
11. At the end of humanoid's life cycle head erupts into dandelion-like flower, releases hundreds of seeds into the wind to grow upon tilled soil in lieu of intended crops
12. Annual unholy ritual begins featuring incessant dancing, cacophony of drums, crazed chanting, copious bloodletting, imbibing of mind-bending intoxicants, entirety of population swept up in riotous bacchanal, how, no humanoid can say but by the next day population has increased by 33%  

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Disgorged Contents of the Giant Snake's Stomach

1. Partially digested magic-user, scorched over 75% of body, hand still clutches wand of fireballs, zero charges remaining, other ex-members of adventuring party incinerated nearby
2. Recently swallowed pellets of Giant Snake Chow, embossed Underworld dwarf maker's mark still legible
3. Entire royal wedding party of dungeon pixies, many small treasures of jewelry among the ruins of resplendent garments, decorations, undamaged scroll contains elaborate map indicating table seating arrangements, menu choices for over 100 guests
4. Formerly enchanted suit of plate armor, crushed flat, occupant's whereabouts unknown but a nude paladin stalks the dungeon somewhere in the vicinity
5. Untapped cask of the finest spirits, crumpled bodies of two humanoids who died thirsty, bitter ghosts manifest to lodge complaints about this final indignity
6. Shoe box size all-terrain excursion vehicle, heavily damaged, occupied by tiny alien explorers w/nothing but terrible things to say about the campaign world via wee universal translation device
7. Hollowed-out giant mouse, body cavity filled w/lethal snake poison
8. Troll busy pulling self together after humiliating surprise attack
9. Black pudding w/ossified exterior, apparently some kind of defense mechanism, slowly cracks open to resume oozing about once danger has passed
10. Hollowed-out giant mouse, body cavity filled w/semi-reliable powder of monster control  
11. Entire chain-gang of puny humanoids, devoured like so many sausages, a terrible fate but arguably better than that Underworld dwarf labor-camp
12. Imp enjoyed stomach acid bath, fell fast asleep, yawns, stretches, resumes previously scheduled wicked mayhem

Monday, September 1, 2014

The Underworld Dwarfs Built It

1. Colossal stone marimba hewn from living bedrock using tectonic magic, dwarf musician strikes w/giant mechanical hammers for unbelievably deep bass tones that make dwarfs want to work even harder
2. Titanic projectile launcher, extensible barrel protrudes from hidden mountain vale, fires bullet-shaped, impact-proofed troop transport containers loaded w/shock troopers
3. The Mountain Inside the Mountain: after hollowing, faux-mountain megadungeon constructed inside, most popular tourist destination for underworld dwarfs
4. Underworld transport system of hydraulic elevators, near frictionless tubes w/super-conductor driven high speed passenger capsules, thousands of dwarfs killed in accidents each year but its so damn convenient no one cares
5. The City of Spheres, perfectly round stone buildings on walls, floor, ceiling connected by tubes running in all directions, built for extinct species of genius amoeboids in exchange for accounting services, giant abacus in city center tracks ancient credits/debits, sacred to dwarfs
6. Automatic Dragon Ejection Device, installed in entrances (both grand and secret) to dwarfish properties
7. Moebius pit: opens on floor and ceiling, equal chance of falling in either direction, fall indefinitely, passing through pit room from opposite trap door, damaging collisions possible w/party members falling in other direction, guards alerted by alarm retrieve giant butterfly nets to seize falling prisoners
8. Chemically programmed giant insect brains purchased from wicked sorcerer across the way, loaded into mechanical crawlers laden w/explosives = anti-humanoid assassin drones
9. Air-conditioned hotel in chamber wall high above spectacular lava pits, heat-proof observation decks, romantic vacation destination for underworld honeymooners, staffed by charming, customer-service oriented, semi-indestructible stone boys
10. Resurrection Stone: vast meteor w/dwarf-shaped impression, returns recently dead dwarfs to life if placed within for 24 hours
11. Personality nullification chamber: cut from singular crystal, after initial hours-long treatment brief daily visits on way to work required to sustain desirable effects, skipping sessions leads to unpleasant "coming down with personality"
12.  Earthquake piston: massive device for undermining surface cities, stirring up mayhem, must be disassembled and rebuilt in new locations, this is the only time you see Underworld dwarfs laugh

Friday, August 29, 2014

Downtime Activities: The Troll

1. Fastidious cleansing of dungeon corridors, detritus collected, sorted into heaps according to semi-impenetrable trollish categorization scheme
2. Decorates areas adjacent to lair: skull garden of stacked heads, femur collection presented vertically, perpetual unsatisfied w/results, constant rearrangement required
3. Stalks, sneaks up upon, scares the hell out of lesser humanoids for cheap thrills, upon success emits excruciating peals of hideous high-pitched troll-giggles for hours
4. Enters torpor upon feeding, stares off into space, motionless but for a thin trickle of drool, until agonizing hunger pangs return at last
5. Physical training for flaming pit-leaping competition in upcoming All Humanoid Olympiad
6. Artisanal meat-packing/processing, countless unsavory salamis hang drying from lair ceiling in preparation for annual Underworld Sausage Festival
7. Meandering exploration of dungeon environs, punctuated by experimental attempts to digest novel flora, fauna, unfamiliar inanimate objects
8. Involuntarily swept up in aimless instinctual migratory pattern, must remain constantly on the move like a great white shark of the dungeon, lairs used collectively as way-stations, one almost never encounters the same troll twice
9. Following substantial feasting upon human flesh becomes temporarily gentle, playful as a kitten, but of course it can't last
10. Cultivates impressive yard of reeking, multicolored, bioluminescent molds on walls, floor, ceiling outside lair, groovy psychedelic effect perhaps incongruous w/known trollish savagery
11. Enters state of helpless stupefaction, extrudes stream of countless tiny larval trolls through aperture in neck until only withered husk remains
12. Seeks out and destroys all nearby sources of fire, acid

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The Barbarians Call it "Style"

1. Crude tattoo of totem monster covering at least 25% of available canvas, may only wear armor on remaining 75%
2. Sleeveless half-shirt of passably gleaming mail, snake skin g-string, leather strap straining under weight of lethal ironmongery
3. Thick mammoth-leather armor that covers everything but the naughty bits
4. Human hair & scalp full-body jumpsuit, hair greased to stand on end
5. Necklace made of mummified paws of giant snow-cat, inward pointing claws, tightened before battle
6. Codpiece crafted from pelvic bone of Deinonychus, broad-brimmed straw hat
7. All R&D efforts of tribe seemingly expended upon advanced footwear, stone-age equivalent of high end cross-trainers in all the colors of the rainbow, position/rank in tribe easily determined by degree of splendor
8. Hauberk made from layers of petrified teeth of the woolly land-shark, hair smeared w/reeking fat, shaped in tribute to dorsal fin
9. Outlandishly wide/thick leather belt laden w/death-dealing implements, that's it
10. Cave bear fangs installed in mouth via magical dentistry, tight-fitting bearskin pants
11. Tall black leather helmets festooned w/multitude of small dried pterodactyl wings
12. Unsavory symbiotic arrangement achieved with blood-drinking creeping vine, produces attractive, leafy covering w/some protective value, flowers when spritzed w/blood of enemies which must be provided regularly else the barbarian host be drained

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Previously Unknown Islands

1. Abandoned Isle: formerly occupied by self-contained civilization of geniuses, developed space program, flew the coop leaving empty fast-food joints, doo-dad factories, apartment buildings, subsequently taken over by idiotic crab-men who've trashed everything
2. Totality of island given over to insect megalopolis, towering skyline of high-rise termite-nest-like structures, zillions of tiny intelligent insects, armed forces thereof employ bio-lasers from weird organs growing out of heads
3. Colossal floating black pudding, torpid, sports complete parasite-based ecosystem
4. Abundance Island: tangle of the lushest vegetation, blooms of every stripe, inexhaustible supplies of fruit, mammoth beanstalks ascend beyond the heavens, horrors occasionally descend
5. Zen garden island: impeccably maintained grounds cover entirety of land mass, awesome feng shui grants bonuses to any who hang around for a while, constant upkeep performed by small population of fully self-actualized masters who welcome all but reserve the right to annihilate despoilers w/unbelievable kung fu powers
6. Emperor's Secret Party Island: Las Vegas-like amenities provided by host of permanent staff,  each devoted cultists of the Lords of Debauchery, every conceivable vice indulged, small fortune in gold to qualify for entry, must be exchanged colorful ceramic disks, the local currency
7. Island w/giant crater converted by indigenous people into vast arena, countless gladiatorial contests unfold 24/7, outcomes of which interpreted by priesthood to decide matters in every aspect of life
8. Ghost Isle: utterly destroyed by ancient society's super-weapon testing program, angry island manifests capriciously to bewilder sailors, launches phantasmal galleons loaded w/hideous undead marines to scare the hell out of/destroy any who approach
9. Barren stone island carved by ancients into single enormous statue in honor of believed-imminent incomprehensible outer entity, yes, just gazing upon this monumental work can drive one to howling lunacy
10. Perfect Utopia Isle: surrounded by impenetrable 100 ft. wall to keep intruders out, populace in, many towers w/death ray broadcasters standing by for long-range preemptive destruction of potential interlopers, the only way to keep a Utopia going
11. Island of the Kraken-hunting Apes: Kong-size ape society w/material culture, wear kraken-beak helms, togas, dwell in vast Parthenon-like structure, sail outriggers to abyssal ocean zones, dive singly w/huge daggers in teeth for sub-aqueous prey
12. Animism Island: every last thing imbued w/anthropomorphic personality, a terrible, terrible place

Sunday, July 27, 2014

The Paladin Has a Damn Good Reason for Seizing your Treasure

Wandering paladins (an ever-present danger for adventurers operating in and around civilized lands) go about their business with preternatural moral certitude, would rather perish than skew an iota from deity-sanctioned duty, and generally operate in concert with a good number of well-armed ironclad lackeys.

1. Fundraising efforts by temple of Law declared mandatory by righteous monarch
2. Humanitarian crisis in neighboring duchy supersedes petty self-enrichment
3. New murderhobo tax on the books, required 40% forfeiture due upon encounter w/paladin
4. Fines levied for unlicensed treasure hunting in a forbidden zone
5. Damages due for last village the PCs happened to burn down
6. Paladin recognizes party loot as precisely the treasures reported stolen from lost caravan
7. Obscure provision in ancient regional legal code designates all dungeon treasures property of nearest landed gentry who may grant finder's fees, but don't hold your breath
8. The Devil's gold must be purified of evil back at the temple before safe for general use, a very serious matter of public safety
9. Paladin former acquaintance of NPC the adventurers killed for no particularly compelling reason, compensation due to surviving family members
10. Coins no longer legal tender, will exchange for new paper money
11. Illegal alien tax, PCs may avoid by providing proof of citizenship, local address, names and addresses of parents, two witnesses (not party members)
12. New revelation transmitted to paladin in dream: money the root of all evil, all gold must be gathered, transformed into towering statues of patron deity

Saturday, July 26, 2014

What the Underworld Sorcerer Requires

1. Tissue specimen from the Slumbering God at the bottom of musical troll-haunted, cacophonous Yarling Crevasse
2. Test pilots for all-terrain Underworld Excursion Vehicle, fully loaded w/latest anti-monster technology, planned shakedown run crosses Black Ooze River, over broken surface of Great Lichen Plain, back around through gas-filled Choking Caverns
3. Missing page to be snagged from the only other extant copy of mystic tome in secret library of exceedingly evil rival sorcerer from across the way, currently lording it over intellectually negligible gnat-people
4. Brain of irrelevant Underworld potentate immune to disease, preferable alive, preservation kit provided if dead, rules dwindling plague-devastated population from crumbling tower teetering on precipice of crater filled w/digestive enzymes
5. Death mask of obscure ancient potentate found w/in the Ziggurat on the Ceiling, required for fancy dress occasion on infernal plane
6. Sample of Primal Chaos at the core of the world, chaosometer and entropy-proof suits provided
7. The Flutter of hummingbird wings, bottled, mountaintop gale, in a sack, the shattered self-opinion of an Underworld queen, distilled
8. Fingerprints (clear and free of smudges) of frost giant prince on lam from own people, hiding out in citadel of the blind antler-men
9. Delivery of gifts, close encounters of the third kind with recently discovered Underworld humanoid society in obscure cavern system beyond the Molten Playground of the Stone Boys
10. Live capture of unique giant lizard w/alchemical digestive process last seen in the Dead Giant Jungle
11. Return of sorcerer's love interest, a magic-user of equal potency, mind-controlled slave of notable humanoid oligarch (fortune bilked from pathetic gnat-men in ongoing extortion racket), lives in palatial home like giant hornet's nest hung from ceiling, accessible by giant bats
12.  Temporary distraction of freshly-spawned, semi-indestructible Underworld chaos-godling w/strong attraction to sorcery until more permanent solution developed, super-potent enchanted relic offered as bait, if it happens to stumble into a bottomless pit, so much the better

Thursday, July 24, 2014

A Golden Opportunity for the Impecunious

The Antler-men of the Underworld insist you
download your copy this instant.

For a period of time I leave intentionally vague, the PDF version of The Dungeon Dozen book is yours for whatever you wish to pay (Pay What You Want they call it over on RPGNow), including zilch. Be certain to avail yourself of this chance BUT DO NOT DELAY! TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!

<------------------ click on the RPGNow button in the column to the left to get yours today

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Wandering Monsters Encountered Each Other: Dungeon Level One

We'll never know why sorcerers can't resist
 crossbreeding owls with everything

On a failed roll for wandering monsters, check again to see if they encounter one another in nearby dungeon area, alert players to various noises, stenches that result.
Roll once on each table, or twice on individual table at whim, adjudicate results of unexpected contact

Table One: Humans and the Like
1. Warpack of puny humanoids, armed to teeth, search for rumored evil hobbit assassins but minimally enthusiastic due to crappy pay, poor benefits package
2. Noble paladin w/damn good reason for seizing treasures already captured/coveted by PCs, led by very bossy talking enchanted sword of the utmost lawful goodness, six jittery men-at-arms
3. Invisible necromancer in a huff about vandalized zombie servitors rushes back to lair, carries on heated conversation w/self
4. Supremely overconfident surface wizard of means hauled around in palanquin surrounded by scads of charmed hirelings
5. Berserkers calming down after zombie beheading spree, dripping sweat, gore spattered, guzzle booze from wine skins
6. Puny humanoid body-builders en route to gymnasium discuss feats of strength past and future
7. Evil hobbits hired to assassinate necromancer try to remain unseen while attempting to flee the dungeon
8. Lone troll w/enormous appetite after grueling bit of regeneration slums it on level one in search of easy chow, sick and tired of combat, seeks parlay where possible
9. Blind sword master w/encyclopedic knowledge of proximate dungeon levels, returning to extract pay from necromancer after mission to level three, issues challenge for single combat to any w/sword
10. Intelligent apes from nearby cave system carry great burlap sacks, hunt puny humanoids
11. Evil priest and squad of action acolytes lead chain gang of surface humans earmarked for cult sacrifice on level three
12. Warriors of entirely different evil cult roam corridors hoping to ambush, seize sacrifice candidates from priest in entry 11 for their own unspeakable deity

Table Two: Dungeon Predators/Scavengers/Idiots
1.  Weird giant rats
2.Owlsnakes hungry for giant rats, no matter how weird
3. Recently decapitated zombies stagger around at random flailing blindly at anything
4. Large transparent ooze w/two struggling humans inside busy looking for private spot to digest cult warriors that took wrong turn
5. Stench beetle shoots first, doesn't bother w/questions, sticky aromatic fluid accurate up to 30' (see subtable)
6. Huge spiders that travel by casting webs, swinging from ceiling like that comic book character, venom dissolves troll flesh like acid
7. Intact zombies armed w/heads of decapitated fellows still capable of bite attacks
8. Ceiling-crawling dungeon leeches as long as your arm, several bloated w/caustic troll blood
9. Giant army ants drag dead cultists to nearby mound
10. Flightless pteradactyls w/massive talons search for carrion
11. Giant cave salamander w/spiked tail like stegosaurus makes beeline for stagnant pool on level two
12. Skeletons of deceased acrobats w/moves like Jackie Chan on hunt for evil hobbit assassins

Stench Beetle Aroma Table (characters hit by blast must contend w/overwhelming malignant odor for 1d12 hours)
1-2. Offensive cologne overdose
3-4. Hot garbage
5-6. Sickly sweet smell of death
7-8. Sizzling bacon (attracts monsters/gluttonous humans)
9-10. Satan's outhouse
11-12. 1000 neglected litter boxes

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Why Are There Evil Humanoids?

1. Humans trend toward the pretty damn evil, just not quite evil enough, gods went back to drawing board
2. They came from the future: universe started off pure order and good, slowly but steadily skews towards evil chaos until its terrible, incomprehensible end, evil humanoids time-launched refugees thereof
3. Victims of subterranean radioactive stone, emanations destroy good at metaphysical level
4. Brought into being to act as anti-humans by unpopular deities whose creative input was not requested for original creation scheme, throwing monkey wrench into otherwise charming plan for universe
5. Pawns in depopulation program by wicked aliens: secretly abduct humans in shocking numbers, plant seed of evil in brains, triggers permanent transmutations into various humanoid types, released into the wild as free agents of mayhem
6. Evil humanoids actually ambulatory fungi doing their best imitation of humans (note: all fungi inherently evil), a ruse to be dropped the instant the stars are right
7. Forces of Natural Selection in campaign world strongly favor evil, its a wonder any living beings possess even a scrap of decency
8. First came Primal Chaos, the substance from which all order and good accidentally developed, there is no reason for anything and its silly of you to ask
9. Seed of evil humanoids deposited when comet collides w/campaign world: weird hyper-adaptable space beings chose human-like form as optimum for requisite conquest of planet
10. Personified wickedness released from the Plane of Petulant Vanity by mythic prince: crafted the First Mirror in the Earliest Days, smashed it when reflection failed to live up to hype opening floodgates
11. Hilarious prank of otherwise transcendent cosmic entities unable to shake primitive appreciation of physical comedy, humankind perpetually, pitilessly punked for cheap laughs
12.  Philosophers hoist white flag: quandary of evil humanoid origins declared "unfathomable"

Friday, July 18, 2014

The Dragon's Current Situation

1. Duped by being of even greater evil into series of aerial attacks on military outposts of Law, many untreated arrow wounds, 1d12 enchanted missiles still embedded in crusty hide
2. Bad case of draconic distemper characterized by vomiting, fever, occasional seizures, under care of demonic veterinarian now practicing on premises, sees various other blighted horrors during downtime
3. Driven to distraction by lust for particularly juicy bauble located in proximate dungeon complex, unattainable by dragon due to notable, ever-expanding girth, narrow corridors
4. Depleted of joie de vivre, sleeps more than ever, off chow, no longer enthusiastic about lethal mayhem, accumulation of wealth, treasure heaps disheveled, covered in dust/cobwebs, tablets ordered from alchemist untouched in bottle
5. Obsessed w/outer spheres after close encounter w/UFO, pours vast amounts of treasure into personal space program, retains cadre of science-sorcerers headquartered in lush laboratories near lair
6. Deranged, delusional following head wound delivered by paladin whose mummified corpse the dragon drags around everywhere it goes, engages self in penetrating Socratic dialogues to plumb innermost mysteries careful observation of which could crack the code on hitherto incomprehensible dragon psychology
7. Groggy, cranky, increasingly irrational, overdue for 1d12 year slumber but keeps getting interrupted
8. Flush w/cash after fortuitous encounter w/treasure-laden caravan, gleeful, giddy, ebullient peals of laughter audible from significant distance, in its glory, one will never encounter a dragon more magnanimous
9. Exits lair nightly to continue construction of titanic bird's nest-type structure on nearby mountain peak
10. Putting on airs after decades of savagery, tutors hired, wine collection off to grand start, ostentatious jewel-encrusted headdress commissioned
11. In hock to evil Underworld priest who performed life-saving healing after dragon's encounter w/bad-ass gang of wizards, wings damaged irreparably, amputated, ranges farther and farther from lair on desperate treasure-gathering raids to keep hell-hounds off trail
12. Preoccupied by newly acquired talent for astral projection, rumored to enter stupor for days at a time, mind expanded by visits to new and unusual planes of existence, but not so much that it doesn't note and lust after shiny/enchanted items from each

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Tonight's Special Event in the Underworld Humanoid Lair

1. Funerary ritual in honor of dungeon VIP recently devoured by colossal horror still at large, ubiquitous wailing, gnashing of teeth, somber reenactments of VIP's famous deeds including actual carnage, attendance mandatory as is heavy drinking
2. Spectacular puppet show of the utmost depravity performed by travelling sorcerer and talented shoggoth familiar on annual visit, crowds form early in underused theater chamber to imbibe pre-show potables
3. The Scourging of the Young: rite of passage for fledgling warriors, beaten to w/in inch of life by grizzled veterans while the rest of the clan gets blind drunk
4. Semi-annual military drilling including elaborate war games with nearby tribe of alternate humanoids, there are always fatalities, drinking occurs after closing ceremonies
5. Psychedelic bacchanal in honor of God of Confusion, elite guard remain lucid, distribute psychotopic fungi, everyone else gibbers, paws the air to shoo away hallucinations, cackles hideously, or, worst of all, contributes to berserk cacophony of rhythm instruments
6. Holiday to celebrate God of Illusion, costumes fashioned for months in advance, wizard outfits popular this year, social order temporarily suspended for giant LARP, moderate intoxication encouraged to get everyone loosened up
7. Feast to mock the gods of the surface-men: shoddy effigies of popular deities erected, defiled, cursed, and smashed, coincides w/readiness of seasonal brew
8. High-level negotiations w/representatives of group of bigger, more dangerous humanoids, despite herculean efforts/binge drinking only 20% chance of reaching accord, otherwise inter-dungeon war imminent
9. The Passage of the Elderly: first there's drinking, then all humanoids entering dotage (a slim percentage of the population indeed) give final impassioned speeches before leaping into the flaming maw of the Famished God
10. Coronation of new leadership following bloody coup d'etat, as part of celebration former chief's fine booze supply distributed democratically
11. Bigwigs of Evil inspect lair/assess military capabilities of tribe, humanoid leaders terrified, consumption of liquor forbidden until conclusion of audit
12. Trouble w/booze shipment, all events cancelled, palpable tension at all levels of humanoid social ladder

Monday, July 14, 2014

Some Dragons Keep Pets

1. Flock of cockatrices, dragon immune to petrifaction due to repeat exposure/successful saving throws, uses eggs as daily dietary supplement
2. Underworld scholar embroiled in research on nature of draconic mind, housed in luxurious/book-strewn cage by negotiated arrangement, dragon's vanity tickled by extensive psychological testing, scholar keeps disturbing hypotheses to self
3. Gruuk the Inedible, towering, mighty, mentally negligible woolly Neanderthal raised by dragon from babe after roasting clan, finding woolly flesh unpalatable, pair now shares deep bond, often sleeps curled up w/dragon as per teddy bear but will not hesitate to render intruders into hash
4. Thrill-seeking youth of high caste, infiltrated dragon's lair w/awesome array of enchanted arms/armor, captured and spared by whim, tethered to wall by 30' chain, eats/drinks from filth-encrusted bowls, must relieve self in litter box-like arrangement, occasionally beaten w/rubber hose by servitor-ogres, wretched, suicidal
5. Colossal potted fungus w/charming personality conveyed by numerous fungoid mockeries of the human face speaking in unison, potent spell-casting ability, immobile but nearly impossible to destroy permanently
6. Symbiotic relationship w/ ambulatory giant cave remora taken to next level by long mutually beneficial association
7. Huge ape w/monocle obsessed with stacking coins, arranging other treasures into pleasing museum-like presentations, tallying wealth on great stone and steel abacus, enters berserk murder-frenzy if order disturbed
8. Fourth generation of captive human clan in giant hamster habitat, tubes run all over dragon's lair, fed pellets by automatic dispenser, drink from suspended water bottle, fascinating culture developing around ritual exercise wheel activities, dragon worship
9. Famous warrior, too much of a bad-ass to die after taking claw-through-brain, depends on dragon for care and feeding, areas of brain related to combat still function perfectly
10. Pteranodon w/parrot-like mimic ability, in fancy cage suspended from ceiling, despises dragon but has been faking it for years, biding time until opportunity to fulfill bloodthirsty revenge ambitions arises
11. Giant hermit crabs primp and preen dragon, keep scales tidy, maintain their own small hoard of shiny treasures which the dragon finds endlessly charming
12. Liquid wizard in a bottle displayed on ornate pedestal as object of amusement/playful derision, fully conscious and capable of communicating passionate hatred of dragon, information regarding the dragon's secret weakness

Saturday, July 12, 2014

When the Cleric Cries Out for Divine Intervention

1. Huge fist materializes from the dungeon wall/out of the clouds above/something nearby, gesticulates inscrutably for a moment before presenting emphatic thumbs down
2. Vast swarm of beetles shows up from out of nowhere, spells out "REQUEST DENIED"
3. Chorus of supernaturals audible only to cleric belt out semi-distracting song of affirmation/encouragement, but that's it
4. Deity manifests only to cleric, reads riot act, goes on about pulling self up by bootstraps, cleric prevented from taking action for duration of humiliating dressing down
5. Sudden cacophony of transcosmic laughter from all the other gods
6. Disembodied voice apologizes for inconvenience, invites cleric to file formal petition at nearest temple
7. Independent divine observer forbidden from interfering arrives to record/evaluate cleric's part in whatever calamitous event is occurring
8. White dove appears, alights on cleric's shoulder, whispers "this is your test", departs
9. Vultures/flies/dungeon scavengers arrive in disturbing numbers to await outcome of current circumstance
10. Form letter (Dear insert cleric name here, ) falls from above, explains at length metaphysical necessity of denial
11. Cleric receives vision of luxurious afterlife accommodations secured by previous deeds, alternately, preview of personal hell being prepared for permanent occupation
12. For one incredible moment, cleric takes on likeness/attributes of patron, super-charged w/strength/wits/competence/speed/whatever quality might turn the situation around

+1 for history of absolute piety, obedience to even the most seemingly insignificant tenets of faith, superlative execution pursuant to divine will in the face of insurmountable obstacles, etc.
-1 for any murderhobo-like behavior at odds w/teachings of patron, taking deity's name in vain, failure to remit tithes in timely fashion etc. etc. etc.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Also Hanging Around the Vampire Lord's Underworld Estate

1. Lich-led R&D team of evil sorcerers works around the clock on vampire-positive innovations, sun-blocks, holy symbol-proof glasses, in-crypt remote monitoring devices, garlic detectors
2. Incomprehensible trans-dimensional entity in charge of long-distance mind control/observation, violates civil liberties of those on VL's enemies list
3. Re-animated master chef, crack zombie kitchen crew prepare novel iron-rich comestibles designed for maximum shock and awe
4. Secret aquarium level houses highly intelligent sperm whale vampire and her pod of enthralled husband-drones
5. The world's most entertaining aristocrat-raconteur, still alive due to ever-fascinating repartee, hopelessly addicted to tincture of victim-adrenalin and grain alcohol
6. Flock of demonic blackbirds and their giant-size royal family provide air reconnaissance in exchange for protected nesting sites, the odd soul here and there
7. Genius bacteria in filthy glass jar, bill selves as eldest living things, advise and enlighten via telepathy
8. Envoys of the intelligent cephalopod empire petition VL to allow extradition of vampire sperm whale (4, above)
9. Young Titan prince rendered ineffectual by chronic bitter malaise, currently under VL's cruel experimental psychiatric care
10. Stone-men from adjacent reality enjoy respite from perpetual warfare, seek vampiric mercenary services against fleshy anthropoid enemies
11. Throngs of sub-vampire sycophants suck up VL's largesse, reassuring their host's surprisingly delicate ego as needed, amuse selves in downtime with appalling amateur Grand Guignol theater productions in dedicated performance wing
12. VL's numerous half-mortal offspring scamper about in seemingly eternal pre-adolescence of unchecked depravity and malice

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Currently at War in the Underworld

Combatants (roll twice or thrice or as needed, duplicate results indicate bitter internal struggle)
1. Vampire-lord's bat-riding ape brigade
2. Cult of the Famished God (perpetual warfare required to appease deity's insatiable/unholy appetites)
3. Blind antler-men berserkers, heads adorned w/multi-pronged sensory arrays
4. Surface empire's elite Underworld Rangers
5. Half-stupefied servitors of the Great Levitating Sentient Dodecahedron
6. The lich's undead centipede hoplites, utilize ingenious cavern-modified phalanx tactics
7. Self-immolating suicide troopers of the Lava God
8. Evil sorcerer's mind-controlled legions of fungoid men
9. Warrior-thralls of the towering sentient statue
10. Underworld Trade Guild's private insect army
11. Motley slave army of the Under-pirate Queen
12. No one is better at focusing crazed religious fanaticism into organized fighting forces than Underworld dwarfs

Why They Fight
1. To keep free exchange of gold for slaves unfettered by proposed regulatory treaty
2. Territorial dispute over site of recently discovered explosive mineral deposit
3. For control of singular Spring of Vitality
4. Over occupation of universally cherished, extremely luxurious steam-vent baths of the ancients
5. Simultaneous claim on grazing mines of the gold-vomiters
6. Trade route tolls getting outrageous
7. New deity on the scene, preemptive strike ordered by established Underworld faiths
8. Bank vault of the Extinct Ones revealed after suspect seismic event
9. Slight-stung aristocrat's petty revenge-attack
10. The lesser evil's valiant struggle against the greater evil
11. Mutual indulgence of natural genocidal urges
12. FFRRREEEEEEDOMMM!!! (both sides)

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

What's Up with the Bottomless Pit?

1. Hell's exhaust vent, spews forth occasional gouts of variously offensive, potentially lethal smoke, vapors, gases, really does lead (eventually) to Hell
2. Course of trans-dimensional amusement park-style ride, while falling forever 1% chance of encountering pod full of delighted screaming children of eldritch beings zooming by at astonishing speed
3. Dry bed of extinct interplanetary energy river, former trade route from time before the Sundering of Worlds
4. Soon it will serve its original purpose of excreting incomprehensibly alien life forms into the world, but don't worry, it's all part of the gods' plan
5. Inter-planar "doggie door" left open to allow monstrous alien pets to stretch their ambulatory organs, romp around campaign world
6. Underworld agency uses living things caught in series of sieves as raw materials for deity under construction
7. Massive outer entity died, collapsed into singularity, sank to world's core, hyper-intense gravity increases continuously the further one goes, effects of which endlessly fascinate evil sorcerers everywhere, multiple research projects underway at any given time
8. Left over after reckless detonation of experimental homemade wormhole bomb
9. Actual source of atmosphere on campaign world, stolen from gas giant by works of forgotten Agent of Creation
10. One of innumerable fuel intakes powering spaceship engine in adjacent dimension
11. Gateway to alternate Utopian campaign world of excruciating tedium and an almost complete lack of adventure
12. Esophagus of the Famished God, brain-damaged cultists charged with making sure tasty things get tossed down there 24/7

Friday, July 4, 2014

More Weird Cargo

1. Bathtub-size ceramic bowl w/glass lid obscured by condensation, swamp environment maintained by magic, giant mosquito larvae wriggling hideously within
2. Quasi-lich in coma shipping self to new dungeon lair, travel-sarcophagus protected by lethal glyphs/sigils, tampering triggers magic mouth w/obscenity-laden threats, evil laughter
3. Single giant egg in huge crate, packed for shipping w/luxurious fur-covered pillows
4. Small collection of prototype wizard's robes woven from Kevlar-like fur of armored Pleistocene mammal hidden inside chest of outlandish frocks
5. Cans of gray powder, press for making fist-sized pills, medication to save royal family of evil mountain giants from witch-plague depopulation event
6. Hundreds of aggressive black saplings from Forest of Evil in pots, sacks of enchanted quick-grow fertilizer, smells like Satan's outhouse
7. Alarming number of disassembled siege engines in unmarked crates, designed for use by diminutive soldiery w/tiny hands
8. Locked and chained chests marked by dwarf-runes, order of 250 shock-collars of enslavement
9. Taxidermy of unknown human warriors in ferocious attack poses, each w/real weapons and armor
10. Illegal kraken ink products in several varieties, various bottles, casks: processed for magical inscription, monster repellent, performance-enhancing war drug, intoxicating beverage, cure-all
11. One thousand pounds of salty megalodon-jerky, subterranean dwarfs pay huge money for this stuff
12. Five identical simulacra of regional potentate, heavily sedated

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Why They Abandoned that Derelict Vessel

1. Ship encompassed by supernatural doldrums-zone, absolutely still waters, even oars don't work
2. Crew and passengers abducted by alien intelligence from the deep for temporary scrutiny, application of mind-control, ship anchored, guarded by hard ass sperm whale mercenary w/eye patch, power of speech
3. Entire crew murdered by disgruntled cook w/subtle poisoning skills, cook went mad, starved to death in the crow's nest, ghost abides below, preparing chow
4. Giant centipede eggs en route to overseas gourmand hatch unexpectedly, carry lethal dungeon plague pathogens
5. Pirate crew acquired ornate chest from foreign trader, gleaming amulet of greed among the treasures, currently around neck of dessicated corpse embracing pile of loot, crew reanimates nightly to reenact murder-spree
6. Entirety of crew ascended to heaven after discovery of holy relic on unknown continent, relic gone but ship's log indicates location of treasure-strewn promised land
7. Captivated by antics of fun-loving sea monkeys, crew jumped in the water to join the fun, were immediately eaten by colossal, telepathic coelacanth in symbiotic partnership w/monkeys
8. Crew transformed into sea serpents, recognizable only by their signature sailor hats, by malevolent roving cloud of unbound sorcery
9. All aboard fused into single giant merman by capricious sea god, commanded to disrupt shipping to/from Imperial Port City
10. Taken aboard Atlantean submarine, beaten, hog-tied, fed to sharks, mean letter nailed to mast w/extensive list of consequences for screwing around in Atlantean sphere of influence
11. Malicious spirit materialized on deck w/chessboard, challenged captain, after fortnight-long contest spirit resigned, went berserk, killed everybody
12. Lungfish-men swarmed the decks, soon awash w/blood, now enjoying a bit of cosplay as jolly pirate crew

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Dropping the Discount Bomb

Illustration from the book by Chris Brandt that I kind of want on a t-shirt or on the side of a van.

The Dungeon Dozen book, both hardcover and paperback versions, is now discounted 20% off of its original price. You can save an additional 20% by using the current Lulu coupon code: JFS20
The Lulu offer ends June 30th at 11:59 PM.
Click on the book cover in the upper left corner of this page.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

It's in the Wizard's Pipe


1. Dried fronds of the Primordial Fern, allows wizard to comprehend languages/philosophies of reptiles, amphibians, trilobites, eyes take on creepy reptilian appearance during use
2. Swamp-leaf of the Enshrouding Stench: creates powerful odor that automatically repels most non-intelligent creatures, irritates fellow party members, terminates unwanted romantic entanglements
3. Eggshell of Chimaera: smoke morphs into visual representation of user's thoughts, punishing headache follows
4. Ground bones of Ancestor Wizards: enhances enthusiasm for slaving over mystic tomes, good for pulling all-nighters at need, allows wizard to re-learn forgotten spells w/out rest, but must crash for full 24 hours after single use or drop dead
5. Pine needles of the Cleansing Vapor: brings fresh aroma to otherwise intolerably stinky places, mitigates effects of poisonous gases
6. Weed of Truth: when blown in the face, smoke compels subject to speak only truth but smoker can speak only lies for 1d12 hours
7. Bark of the World Tree: places user in temporary harmony w/nature, enhances awareness of environmental impact of dark sorcery, carbon footprint
8. Potpourri of Coercion: creates pleasant-smelling 10'-diameter cloud of charm (as spell), wizard must take lengthy nap after use
9. Grey-skull green: exhaled upon warrior-types to excite combat-lust, gets them hollering obnoxious jingoistic battle-cries/slogans, smacking each other on sweaty backs, ready to roll
10. Brixbool's volcanic blend: rich, complex flavor, sharp exhale propels impressive/damaging cascade of red-hot embers up to 10'
11. Dried ears of bat: creates smoke of silence, short-lived magical effect useful for blowing on the shoes of thieves, flapping gums of big-mouths etc.
12. Signal fungus: smoking encodes thoughts of user into form of magical azure cloud, travels up to 1 mile to designated recipient, message transmitted if inhaled, can be intercepted

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

More Weird Plants in the Underworld Garden

Note: Plants listed below possess erebosynthetic metabolisms, converting darkness to energy by an unknown and probably unholy process
1. Giant black vines, bean-like pods contain up to six vegetal brains encased in human-like skulls, lash out in self-defense with waves of mind-nullifying telepathy
2. Lurid phosphorescent glue-pot lilies produce a daily dollop of adhesive nectar, creates permanent molecular bond
3. Purple cabbages w/glowing green veins conceal 1d12 torpid cavern pixies, awakened in all of their eldritch malice by the presence of human greed
4. Hell's geraniums collect, produce condensed darkness, the nectar of uttermost night, weaponized into ebon powder by the subtlest subterranean humanoids
5. Giant underdaisies remain closed until swollen by particularly tasty blood sacrifice then bloom explosively releasing hundreds of vampire bats
6. Leafless cave trees produce no fruit but add a certain hideous ambiance with their twisting root-like limbs crisscrossing from floor to ceiling, providing habitat for giant song-birds
7. Sonic succulents cling to all surfaces, issue thunderous defense akin to deranged John Entwhistle bass solo, temporarily deafens humans who approach, cave behemoths dance
8. Thirsty vines maintain the deep red coloration of their majestic levitating bulb by snaking stealthily into wine-skins of passersby, draining them w/astonishing speed, occasionally downing the odd potion as well
9. Cave cows: ambulatory feeding pods attach to central stalk by tether-like tendrils, selectively graze upon less desirable underweeds, trolls milk them to make their terrible cheeses
10. Spectacular iridescent flowers exude powerful fragrance, attractive at a distance, lethal to humans at close range, produces euphoric stupor in giants, dragons, sometimes found in blissful repose nearby
11. Colossal pumpkin-like gourds with thick fibrous shells harvested by humanoids for conversion to domiciles portable via giant lizard-driven sledges
12. 1d12 dwarfs in various stages of development dangle fruit-like from the Dwarfmother Bush, adults maintain a pile of axes and hammers nearby, snapped up instantly by their freshly dropped siblings

Monday, May 26, 2014

The Half-Crazed Sailor's Report: The Mermen

1. Latest internecine struggles winding down, merman populations depleted, intruding telepathic cephalopods on verge of take-over, will pit mermen against terrestrial cousins once again among other less intelligible schemes
2. They spend all their time worshiping/proselytizing for their serene-yet-still-disturbing fish god, otherwise languish helplessly enlightened
3. Busy undermining Chief Port of the Imperium's foundations via secret sea-caves
4. Preparing virulent strain of land virus in undersea laboratory facility, scads of abducted humans used as test subjects
5. Year-long religious observance puts them off their game and ripe for conquest while they float meditating in lotus position, the time to strike is now!
6. Economic system rigged to favor top one-percent for decades, inevitable revolt finally in progress, armies controlled by fat cats senselessly annihilate lower castes to maintain order, terror reigns in the deep cities
7. Propagating thick kelp forests to obscure monumental undersea building project of unknown purpose
8. Training domesticated whales (and other sea monsters) for suicide attacks against human shipping concerns
9. Breeding project to create amphibious super-being seems to be going well, giant-sized bipedal half-mer seen striding atop the waves
10. Population hopelessly addicted to hallucinogenic enzyme produced by tiny mollusk, situation groovy but dangerously unstable
11. Booming technological progress has left terrestrial science/sorcery in the dust, sub-sea Manhattan Project nears completion
12. Period of involuntary fecundity doubles population in short span, expansionist regime looking for seaside city to sink/inhabit following sorcerous tsunami


I just noticed this Lulu coupon code for readers in the US:
Grants 25% off on all standard and premium books (and The Dungeon Dozen book, click the cover at the top left of this page). Redeem before May 26th at 11:59pm, doesn't work on ebooks/PDFs.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Dungeon Dozen PDF: Now Available More Places

One of many, many illustrations from The Dungeon Dozen Book/PDF

As of a few hours ago, The Dungeon Dozen PDF is available at RPGnow.


Even more recently, the previously mentioned PDF went live at the d20pfsrd shop.


Please patronize the retailer of your choice!

And finally, I will again remind those purchasers of the book version (see the top left of this page for a link to Lulu), forward me a copy of your Lulu invoice to gurnalon at gmail dot com and I will send you a free copy of the PDF.

Regular bloggery to resume tomorrow. Sorry, folks, but until such time as some heroic publisher swoops in to relieve me of this terrible burden, I MUST SELF-PROMOTE!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014


Now on sale at Lulu.com
Over 200 tables from this site, each bookmarked for ease of use, lavishly illustrated
Just like the book, really, only made of pixels. 

SUPER-IMPORTANT NOTE: If you order or are a member of the exalted class who have already ordered a book version, email your Lulu receipt to me at gurnalon @ gmail dot com and I'll send you a free copy of the PDF.
Thank you!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Forces Under the Sea King's Command

Roll multiple times, commence war against the surface dwellers
1. Radio controlled giant crab shock troopers for amphibious assault, operators housed in arrow-proof carapace cockpit atop shell
2.Elite corps of highly sophisticated octopus swords-masters, spat powerfully onto enemy decks by giant grouper troop transports, abide by rigid Bushido-like code of honor, wear dashing wet-dry scarves
3. Hull piercers: giant mollusks w/reinforced ram-shells, sessile until commanded to attack, expend life energies in explosive launch from strategic ocean floor placements
4. Troop transports: gelatinous spheres, soldiery immune to digestive enzyme, roll up onto beachhead, disgorge payload, commence semi-indiscriminate feeding frenzy
5. Attack-trained giant starfish, stealthily adhere, cling to ships' hulls, gnaw multiple breeches w/steely mouthparts, remain sealed until starfish detach simultaneously for sudden catastrophic hull failure
6. Half-man, half-sea serpent warriors, stronger, speedier, hardier than mermen, capable of serpentine locomotion on land, vicious, hateful, cruel by nature, skilled at arms but poisonous fangs in a pinch
7. Undead-Queequeg has joined the other team, commands crack squad of re-animated harpooners
8. Porpoise crossbowmen, surgically attached human arms, turns out they are hard-wired to be exceptionally expert marksmen, nail targets while arcing majestically through the air, reload underwater
9. Huge bivalves able to jet themselves onto enemy craft, open to deploy amphibious troops
10. Lungfish-men, an evolutionary cul-de-sac, they make war as gleeful expression of fatalistic philosophy, almost extinct which is OK by them
11. Artillery-kraken capable of blasting ink 240', multiple ink sacs hold variety of ammunition (caustic, adhesive, hallucinogenic)
12. Flailwhales

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Potion of Water Breathing: Possible Side-effects

1. Subject develops bulbous, piscine eyes w/associated blank, soulless stare
2. Gill slits form in neck, lungs diminish but remain functional, permanently amphibious
3. Unpleasant fishy personal aroma detectable at 20' for 1d12 days or until vinegar bath
4. Sudden wholehearted devotion to unsavory fish god
5. Skin gets all wrinkled and convoluted for 1d12 hours, there is shrinkage
6. Once back on dry land, hounded incessantly by seagulls
7. Tentacular suckers appear on hands and feet bestowing variety of pros/cons
8. Mollusk brain: familiar mammalian values/thought patterns replaced by sinister alien mindset
9. Uncontrollable urge to adopt aquarium hobby
10. Undersea-sickness: debilitating nausea, loss of equilibrium for potion's duration, subject obscured by clouds of vomit
11. Lungs entirely vestigial, must take up permanent underwater habitation
12. Illusory experience of death by drowning at half potion's duration, actually OK but must be convinced via pain-in-the-ass debate, presentation of empirical evidence

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Ill Met by Sea

1. Trireme loaded w/religious fanatics on pilgrimage to isolated holy site, chanting oarsmen under heavy mind-control make excellent speed, golden effigy of hideous deity displayed on prow as if to tantalize sea-borne adventurers
2. Extremely large open-top vessel festooned w/fruit-bearing vines, blooms, fronds, stalks of every description, a floating garden piloted by doom cultists on mission to renovate remote, currently barren island prior to imminent apocalypse
3. Intelligent cephalopod envoy in safety cage atop orca steed/bodyguard, en route to Chief Port of the Imperium bearing declaration of war against humanity
4. Salty sea dogs cling to timbers from ship smashed by strange water titan still at large, descriptions vary wildly from sailor to sailor
5. Gargantuan whale surfaces, opens mouth revealing sorcerer in repose on baleen, ready to lay geas on rough and tumble adventurer types for a sinister errand
6. Giant human face rises to just below surface, utters entirely unpleasant oracular prediction in bubbling radio announcer voice, sinks into obscurity
7. Seagulls flock over massive merman die-off, surface of water slick w/poisonous residue, nondescript empty barrels float nearby but will soon be extracted by pteranodon under wizard-control
8. Sea-King's miles-long wedding procession visible on ocean floor, illuminated by zillions of enthralled bioluminescent creatures, moratorium against wanton mayhem of any kind, respected by even the meanest sea monsters, violate under pain of death plus gratuitous torture
9. Huge kraken uses a few tentacles to create a distraction on one end of adventurer's craft, seize and remove any treasure aboard with the others
10. Psychic sea serpent sends out distress signal, disguises telepathic voice, pursued by frenzied pack of sharks ensorcelled by rival
11. Heavily armed blue mermen demand toll from any who would cross their stretch of ocean, red mermen show up one mile later, demand even bigger toll or tribute paid in blue merman heads
12. The Towering Pedestrian of the Waves: giant demigod in robes, exudes calm serenity except for flaming eyes, will lower self to communicate w/lesser beings, makes beeline for Imperial Capital City to exact terrible vengeance for past crime

Monday, May 12, 2014

The Sea Witch's War Kit

Roll several times to properly outfit the Sea Witch
1. Break-away canister of attack-trained vampire krill on chain around neck
2. Hypodermic rig loaded w/concentrated healing potion in belt pouch, jams into thigh at need
3. Tiny crossbow mechanism on wrist guard, dart w/25' spool of wire, rigged to shoulder bag full of electric eels
4. Coat of Polyps, shelled anemones arranged as per scale armor, poison tentacles lash out up to 5'
5. Waterproof scrolls filled to capacity w/colorful variety of death spells
6. Vials of various cephalopod inks in bandoleer: caustic, poisonous, of invisibility, repellent, eau de toilette, etc.
7. The Whistle of Whale Speech
8. Obligatory sea-blade of slicing strapped to calf
9. Sea urchin grenades in basket at waist: filled w/unstable gases, bred to explode upon forceful contact sending neurotoxin-tipped spines rocketing in a 20' radius
10. Hooked rope, harness for breaking/riding legendary undead megalodon, Sea Witch hopelessly obsessed, needs adventurer-blood for unholy summoning ritual
11. Enchanted trident, relic of extinct merman civilization, tines launch as torpedoes, adamant warhead slices through armor before detonation
12. Enslaved servitor (see subtable below)

Subtable: The Sea Witch's Enslaved Servitor(s)
1-2. Mutant cuttlefish clings to back, distended body cavity provides high speed propulsion
3-4. Re-animated disembodied hand of sea giant: faithful, obedient, dog-like intellect, rib-crushing strength
5-6. Sea Witch rides pair of evil telepathic dolphins Sea World-style
7-8. School of thousands of tiny angler fish, act in concert to provide transportation, protection, bioluminescence, collectively assume throne-shape for formal occasions
9-10. Giant merman bodyguard/personal attendant, ancient beyond reckoning, last of extinct species, constantly suggesting ways to improve Sea Witch's villainous status
11-12. Human-sized prawn squire/equipment caddy, easily rattled, surrender-prone

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Sunken Treasures and Associated Threats

1. Relic holy to particularly wealthy cult embedded in hide of extremely hateful whale
2. Mummified wizard head in jar, preserved cerebral matter laden w/unknown spells, currently in digestive tract of unusual sea serpent
3. Adamant chest plate, former property of extinct colossus, infested by hibernating giant body lice
4. Giant platinum coin dropped by careless transient space god, cherished by subsequently mutated half-merman/half-shoggoth
5. Viral load in magically sealed flask, airborne contagion w/potential to depopulate the surface, worn around neck on cord by fish-tailed sea angel
6. Titanium antediluvian bank vault (sole architectural remnant of civilization), fully loaded safety deposit boxes, access difficult due to nearby whirlpool connecting to unpleasant alternate campaign world
7. Undersea grove of sea apple trees that impart water-breathing capability if eaten, guarded jealously by evil dolphin farmers
8. Huge enchanted gem in use as false eye by vain kraken, partially blinded by surface dweller harpoon expert and not one to forgive and forget
9. Waterproofed crate filled w/tomes of forbidden knowledge, proximate sea-bottom patrolled by ghost of evil librarian
10. Barrels of liquid resurrection (healing potion of the gods), rumored to have been lost during pre-human epoch, buried under silt stalked by spirit of death in form of shadow shark
11. Formerly popular deity in chains, exiled to sea bottom surrounded by skulls of executed priesthood, location under watch by vicious naval templars of newly preeminent cult
12. Cursed golden obelisk lost en route to ancient imperial coronation, covered w/highly aggressive undead coral polyps of astonishing size

Friday, May 2, 2014

Yeah, but THIS Sea Serpent...

1. Face splits open to reveal cerebral tissues pulsating w/psychic potency, places most intelligent human present under mind-control to act as mouthpiece, issues inscrutable demands (see subtable, below)
2. Exceptionally elusive: surges in from below, cripples isolated ships w/blunt force just to watch them sink, becomes visible momentarily during attacks but eyewitness descriptions vary wildly, immune to spells of detection
3. Begins laughing upon sighting lone vessel, a high-pitched hyena-like cackle, needle toothed fish mouth twisted into hideous smile
4. Rows of extensible oversize flippers allow spectacular leaping/gliding, like right through sails/rigging, onto deck crowded w/tasty humans
5. Head of a wizard, pointy hat w/chinstrap, gesticulates w/tentacle beard, casts variety of maritime spells
6. Escaped prisoner of armored dolphin warriors (in hot pursuit), wants to hide out in ship's hold
7. Giant body of indeterminate length, seems to go on for miles, can throw enough mighty coils to crush a fleet in one go
8. Currently recruiting soldiers for war w/mermen to satisfy personal vendetta, tends domesticated mollusks that produce water-breathing enzyme
9. Announces presence, grants time to board lifeboats before destroying ship
10. Shoots streams of super-heated water, internal boiler-organ explodes violently if slain
11. Commands army of barracuda, on the run from superior forces of intelligent cephalopods
12.  Hopelessly in love w/titanic ancient kraken that compulsively guards treasure-laden graveyard of sunken vessels

Psychic Sea Serpent: Inscrutable Demands
1-2. Just wants to eat a single adventurer, the rest may go on about their business
3-4. Insists all golden treasure be thrown overboard
5-6. Requires detailed information re: regional navies
7-8. Needs human breeding couple, never mind why
9-10. Must have large quantity of lethal poison
11-12. Craves surface delicacies like cake, booze

Monday, April 28, 2014

Aloof in the Underworld

Underworld entities that couldn't care less about you or your interests.

1. Bouldermen: great rocks cursed w/startling intelligence, telepathic, sessile, ambitious long-term planners but must wait for forces of nature/incredibly strong creatures to effect travel, if smashed become intelligent heap of stones
2. Uurx the Impervious, immortal giant w/thick, lustrous coat of crimson fur, the softest, coziest, cuddliest imaginable, cannot be harmed physically or by magic, totally non-violent, roams the Underworld in search of non-existent mate
3. The Invisible Spectators: loiter near lairs of lethal monsters and terrors hoping for adventurers to happen by for a dust-up, issue rousing applause during melee (always supporting the monsters) but admire fierce combatants, in event of TPK they respectfully return uneaten portions of bodies to surface
4. Pure intellect embodied in colossal fungal bloom filling vast chamber, essentially death-proof, pulsates a good deal, automatically seizes the minds of any sentient beings w/in 150' but readily discards as boring/pointless, powerful telepathic broadcast just makes very rude comments in very loud psychic voice
5. Time bats flick back and forth in timestream, hover hummingbird-like, no interest in surroundings whatsoever, brain-scrambling trans-dimensional echolocation accompanies random arrival/departure.
6. Semi-divine giant black cave swallows w/feathers like plate armor swoop in, issue stunning wing-buffets, pin adventurers w/preternaturally mighty feet, seize all coils of rope (prefer 50'), gently release and its off to improve the nest
7. The Demi-material Horde: cast out of native dimension, indistinct humanoid shadows armed to the teeth w/shadow weapons, drill constantly, await arrival of sorcerer-messiah to make them fully material at which point they will destroy everything
8. The cold fires: levitating balls of blue flame roam the Underworld collecting information, will trade rumor for rumor which they dispense w/dispassionate objectivity, if proffered rumor seems lame, off they go on their way
9. Dejected deity, giant-size human w/head cradled in hands, blazing halo, gleaming platinum lute broken and cast aside, from time to time shakes tremendous fist at cold uncaring cosmos but otherwise unwilling to share feelings, acid tears endanger any nearby
10. Gigantic cave urchins extend their neurotoxin-pumping quills whenever approached by anything, an uncontrollable reflex, so no one ever gets close enough to hear their whispered poetry
11. The miles-long eyeless serpent keeps most of its mass down a bottomless pit, titanic head lolls about mouth agape, probably a good idea to throw some food in there as one passes by, many Underworld residents toss in their dead
12. Diseased demon-lord wracked by chills, exploding boils, streams foul oily sweat, projectile vomits poison at random intervals but still unbelievably powerful, must eat of divine flesh for cure, unless you've got some you may wish to get the hell out the way

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Underworld Agents of Mayhem

1. Thrill-seeking daredevil humanoid in crash helmet sets the bar high for observing rivals w/wild rodeo-like ride on back of feral titano-swine
2. Gung the world's most muscular giant, dressed in wrestling singlet, carries variety of exercise boulders in huge net, stops any who cross his path to impress them with feats of strength, hair-trigger temper
3. Evil dwarf engineering team on union-mandated binge-drinking break, have huge section of cavern wall removed, installing duct-work, entire section of Underworld taped off as construction zone
4. Ingenious, hard-working humanoid pyromaniacs search for new and interesting targets for spectacular arson, train of bearers haul accelerants, black powder, range of colorful pyrotechnics
5. Utterly exhausted dragon in advanced state of decrepitude, scales dropping, toothless, flames diminished to parody of former potency, devoid of hoard after unfortunate string of gambling failures, looking for a suitable place to shuffle off mortal coil, followed at safe distance by variety of assassins, vengeance-takers in heated debate
6. No one has ever seen an angel looking quite this deranged, dragging a huge flaming sword, howling with grief one second, raging the next, emitting peals of mirthless laughter the one after that
7. Trolls on a bender stagger about bellowing nonsense, bellies bloated to gross immensity, mouths occluded by froth/foam, black eyes closed to slits, out of booze, politely inquire about more wine from any they meet
8. Ogre wranglers on Underworld ape hunt haul cart w/steel cage already loaded w/berserk four-armed albino chimps, offer apes for sale, insanely cruel ape training kit included
9. Wandering collection of confused/hostile beings from across time, recently freed from stony imprisonment when ancient medusa sisters senselessly murdered one another over the love of a surface man, also recently de-stoned
10. Subterranean barbarians engage in ritual brawl before mass marriage ceremony unites survivors in clan merger
11. Swarm of rabid bats on tour of Underworld, biting everything they see for no good reason, leaving confusion/misery in their wake
12. Powerful sorcerer on verge of (wildly incorrect) Darwin-like breakthrough catalogs Underworld finches via invisibility and night-vision binoculars, laden w/valuable/interesting gear, protected by ferocious bound demon, also invisible

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Wretches of the Underworld

1. Subsistence bat farmers, rig elaborate nets around ceiling, scurry off to low tunnels when threatened, hosts to many highly transmissible malignancies
2. The talentless humanoids, living embodiments of incompetence, but incredibly physically resilient, extremely hard to kill
3. Impoverished ex-nobility of Subterranean Metropolis, stripped of station by usurper of superior evil power, raiment in tatters, on verge of starvation, abandoned by all but the most broken underlings
4. Herds of humanoids earmarked for mass sacrifice to incomprehensible outer entity, migrate toward unholy site, subject to perpetual brain-dampening rays projected by mysterious levitating eyes
5. Emaciated humanoids w/giant shoulder bags, downcast and forlorn, the dung-collectors go about their unending labors for an unknown purpose
6. Failed soldiery of some dark lord or other, arms abandoned on battlefield, rueful rudderless wanderers lacking aims, undeserving of pleasures
7. The slug hunters, almost perfect natural camouflage in Underworld environment, must forage constantly, feed continuously, mutter philosophically
8. Flightless vulture-men, long curved necks, incisors protrude beak-like, hairless, reek of gore/decay, pick up party's trail, follow at safe distance, consume fruits of adventurers' labor
9. The eaters of stone, bloated gray humanoids with little to fear, unpalatable to most predators they chew and digest unceasingly, inadvertently creating new connections between subterranean realms
10. Slime harvesters, scaly human-like creatures w/wee tiny heads and little ambition, armed with pole-spatulas and earthenware jars, probe stagnant pools mirthlessly, trade their accumulations to powerful ooze-wizard for valueless tokens, trinkets, arcane bamboozlement
11. Mutinied hirelings, torchbearers, hangers-on, lost, out of provisions, contemplating cannibalism, former employers' possessions divided among them, sarong-clad bearer wears blood-spattered wizard's hat
12. The whipping boys, bred by beings of utmost evil for spontaneous expressions of cruelty, population buoyed by unfortunate fecundity

Monday, April 21, 2014

Unfortunate Side-effects of Invisibility

1. Permanent invisible head
2. Subject forevermore appears in unflattering lighting
3. Remains 90% transparent when again visible, on the plus side immune to laser attack
4. Emits dim radiance for 1d12 hours after spell wears off
5. Visage obscured by pixelated static, never quite returns to original resolution
6. Ghastly flop sweat, exudes uncharacteristic stench, quite noticeable up to 15' away
7. Following spell's duration, reflection no longer appears in mirrors, pools, etc.
8. Everything tastes terrible for 1d12 days
9. When again visible, subject appears as hideous revenant for 1d12 hours
10. Voice becomes incredibly loud, booming even at a whisper, for duration of spell
11. Eyes remain invisible for 1d12 hours but see invisible things
12. Unanticipated relapse at a time and place of the referee's choosing

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Hidden Inside the Giant Egg

1. Encysted sorcerer in final stage of metamorphosis into lich, would hate to be bothered at this sensitive time
2. Tremendous mosquito-thing tasked by forgotten gods to drink blood of currently popular deities upon completion of gestation
3. The Yolk of Resurrection, proper dosage unknown, overdose creates murderous abomination
4. Fetal demigod, half-man, half-dinosaur w/Armageddon-triggering agenda that must wait until conclusion of season of drunken carousing and attainment of full dino-size
5. Great flock of demon blackbirds, if released will fly to stratosphere and cause indefinite eclipse
6. Highly explosive, entirely unstable chemical fluid, enough to blow up a castle, must be handled with extreme care
7. 10,000 semi-intelligent poisonous serpents currently busy with cannibalizing one another but eager to expand ambitions
8. Inert reptilian Chrononaut floating in amniotic fluid w/helpful information from antediluvian lords re: imminent return of pre-human civilization
9. Dragon made entirely of smoke, speeds off to awaken alarming number of previously unknown dragons
10. Breaking shell reveals mystic portal to much more terrible campaign world
11. Huge telepathic infant tortoise with complete knowledge of world history, talent for predicting future events but only after feasting upon human flesh
12. Campaign world-threatening sentient storm compressed, imprisoned in semi-impervious shell by joint effort of recognized pantheon, more than ready to burst onto the scene

Saturday, April 19, 2014

What Today's Well-dressed Sorcerer is Wearing: Raiment

1. Simple white toga, necklace of fresh flowers, self-affixed bracers of living snakes
2. Head-to-toe mummy-like wrappings, bandages cured in healing potion for automatic first aid
3. Faux-Napoleonic general's uniform, writhing squid epaulets, outrageously huge bicorne hat w/golden comet pin, festooned w/medals, ribbons commemorating sorcerous achievements
4. Underworld-camouflage jumpsuit, bandoleers of spell-components in flasks
5. Dragon-skin vest, g-string, thigh-high black leather boots
6. Fuzzy Huxtable-style sweater, knee-length, embroidered w/stars, planets, secured by think leather girdle w/huge bronze sun buckle
7.  Full length red and yellow robes in wicked fire design, bound minor elementals provide SPFX: high-collared cape of cold fire
8. Tunic of scintillant copper feathers from rare semi-impervious flightless giant bird
9. Owlbear skin cape w/optional beaked hood, black leotard underneath
10. Male: super long beard-as-garment, female: hairdo-as-garment, both belted at waist, sculpted into position w/flame-retardant gel
11. Skin-tight snakeskin spandex body-suit, long scarf of the fluffiest white fur, black rubber gloves
12. Bathrobe and slippers, shoulder holster for pipe, smoking supplies

Thursday, April 17, 2014

What Today's Well-dressed Sorcerer is Wearing: Headgear

1. Black cranial dome secured by stout leather chinstrap w/large, ever-flapping bat wings, swell to giant size upon command for one emergency flight per day
2. Animate turban capable of lashing out in anger, holding weapon/objects, fully unraveling into snake-like servitor creature
3. Transparent dome-style space helmet, tubes connect to backpack tank w/compressed/enslaved air elemental providing inexhaustible oxygen supply
4. Miniature step pyramid built permanently atop scalp, if spattered w/blood tiny portal opens into diminutive plane of Hell, minimally capable wee demons emerge to do bidding
5. Silver skullcap w/ever-spinning, 100% locally accurate orrery atop
6. Best available crash-test helmet from 21st century Earth, crafted of space-age polymers that provide immunity to psychic intrusion due to previously unknown quirk of psy-chemistry
7. The Wig of 1000 Hairdos: changes hair style, color, length upon command, baseline do: huge greasy pompadour
8. Tank-like gun turret atop rounded cone hat, capable of independent targeting, limited ammunition, must be manned by 3 imp crew for full functionality, imp chow/ammo prohibitively expensive to all but the most pecunious
9. Silver skullcap w/spectacular working Tesla coil, discharges full-strength lightning bolt once per day, unlimited taser-like zaps at targets w/in 10'
10. Blue-black standard wizard hat w/fully animated 3-D outer space display, stars, planets, comets, galaxies set to their inexorable courses
11. Elaborate, roughly conical headdress made entirely of detachable daggers balanced for throwing
12. Head-portable spell component garden and small mammal familiar terrarium

Monday, April 14, 2014

So You Threw your Drink in the Barbarian's Face...

1. After moment's silent pause, throws drink in your face, laughs mightily
2. No immediate effect, days later fur loincloth cleaning bill arrives via carrier raven
3. Grunts, wipes self, sees a clean patch of skin for the first time in many months, test-sniffs armpits, slips off for long-overdue bath
4. You have just initiated a mandatory drinking competition ending only w/near lethal alcohol poisoning
5. Barbarian leans back, hands behind head, smiling, secure in the knowledge that, according to tribal beliefs, you shall surely perish on your next dungeon expedition
6. You just proposed marriage to barbarian's youngest child (irrevocable)
7. Barbarian immediately leaves in abject humiliation, weeping slightly due to triggered childhood trauma
8. Picks up your smallest companion, proceeds to use as human towel
9. Utters terrifying war howl, beats self around face, neck, chest, kicks up a real froth going on at length, hoping you'll just run away, failing this, reluctantly attacks
10. Retrieves nearest keg, cask, barrel or bottle, proceeds to bludgeon you insensible
11. Raises small metal object to lips, soundlessly blows, previously unseen wolf appears to rip your throat out
12. Laughs, extends hand as if in congratulations for providing such amusement, then kicks you in the crotch while producing battle-axe w/head the size of a coffee table

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Freelance Dungeon Missions: Higher Level

1. Impersonate summoned zombie horde, stagger into depths, gain access to semi-indestructible necromancer's sanctum, exterminate unholy offspring, inject villain w/sterilizing serum to prevent future abominations
2. Seal chaos-breech detected on level 8, scroll containing Zzanzz's Hermetic Hyper-cube included, material component required: life-essences of 100 enemies of humankind, man-portable essence-extractor unit provided
3. Conquer deathtrap-filled hallway connecting dungeon level to unknown subterranean wilderness, 10,000 gp budget for project
4. Administer eldritch/chemical agent to dormant caldera on lava level, get the hell out, but not before locating and warning double agent lich, possibly polymorphed somewhere in the dungeon
5. Escort testy Imperial specialist VIPs to site of recent archaeological discovery on level 7, set up/maintain defensible perimeter for duration of dig, orders dictate they must not be stopped no matter how stupid their schemes appear
6. Serve notice to dragon of inheritance and noble title in Imperial Capitol City due to puzzling proviso in deceased aristocrat's final orders
7. Return cursed treasure stolen by previous adventurers to cache of gleeful underworld deity all set to begin new curse-free phase of existence
8. Find and secure subterranean route between known dungeons for strategic use, Imperial cartographer provided
9. Infiltrate Underworld cult as faux-lay members (arcane prophylactics against mind-control provided), determine threat level, gather intelligence for coming military intervention, discretely assassinate traitorous surface folk
10. Ambush and destroy dungeon expedition of regional hero now believed to be enemy of the state, en route to site of powerful relic on level 9
11. Deliver NPC, body loaded w/arcane explosives, transcosmic toxins, for sacrifice to The Famished God
12. Oversee/provide security for top secret corridor-widening project to free neutral dragon no longer able to leave chamber after decades-long growth spurt

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Freelance Dungeon Missions: Mid-Level

1. Locate, bargain w/uniquely colossal troll, believed sessile, fills entirety of chamber, for specimen of living flesh
2. Assassinate arms dealer in trade partnership w/Underworld forces while en route to subterranean shipping company HQ
3. Exchange tiny abomination incarcerated in enchanted vessel, captured familiar of dungeon sorcerer, for living brain of court vizier, embodied in earth golem's mass, currently under mental control
4. Spike shut all three doors leading to level four, monitor, do not release other adventurers trapped w/in no matter what they say
5. Release plague-infested fleas on dungeon level five, anti-flea garments provided
6. Enter crypts, festoon w/holy symbols of every conceivable stripe until its like Christmas morning in there, anoint w/variety of blessed oils, ignite plethora of incenses, re-seal until further notice
7. Enter crypts, introduce experimental new undead-eating predatory ape species, re-seal until further notice, must see to care and gruesome feeding of caged creatures until deployment
8. Make full study of dimensional anomaly detected on dungeon level four, one daring PC secret "volunteer" to cross inter-dimensional barrier and return, outcome to be determined THUSLY
9. Scatter lair w/items implicating undesirable cult/nation/organization, awaken ancient dragon, get the hell out
10. PCs made Imperial Notaries, proceed to vampire lair, obtain signature for divorce papers from unnamed aristocrat
11. Hew giant cables w/loaned enchanted ax, shut down power to evil dwarf foundry, steal specimen of new alloy
12. Annual Imperial Dungeon Graffiti Challenge

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Friday, April 4, 2014

The Evil Sorcerer's Greatest Weakness

1. Dedicated to Underworld booze (see Subtable below), has a stiff one at the customary hour then keeps right on having them, gets meaner as the night wears on, fiddles threateningly w/pair of live fireballs like Captain Queeg
2. Irresistible passion for wagering: deep debts to several dragons, must make saving throw to avoid juicy bets offered, maintains permanent dimensional gate to 1970's Las Vegas, solid gold 2d6 necklace gives luck bonus to sorcerer when 7-12 rolled in combat
3. Following recent personality breakthrough, maintains jam-packed social calendar, obsessed w/gaining and maintaining new acquaintances, retains personal dance instructor, eschews current evil spell research in favor of voluminous correspondence
4. Considers self grand gourmet, really packing on the extra lbs., so concerned w/freshness of ingredients has converted good portion of spell component garden to artisanal produce, lair infested w/dangerous yeasty pastry-oozes, wears chef hat emblazoned w/stars, planets
5. Adrenalin junky: forever dropping everything to scale tasty peaks w/no magical precautions, loves cliff diving, wears fake mustachio as regional chariot racing champion, habitually taunts gods/demons
6. The ladies/gents: maintains multiple relationships, several housed secretly in various areas of lair, always juggling, intruding adventurers secondary concern at best
7. Bad with money: great at manipulating underpinnings of reality, can't make a decent investment to save life, semi-indestructible trans-dimensional repo-men en route to lair
8. Compulsive hoarding: lair jam-packed w/teetering piles of collectibles/dubious impulse purchases, dead familiars buried under heaps of arcana/decaying trash, whole place stinks to high heaven, difficulty retaining staff
9. Extreme vanity: employs entourage of stylists, hair & makeup experts, tailors, designers of evil,  many weird enchanted mirrors throughout lair, several rooms in complex dedicated to wardrobe, collection of magical haberdashery
10. Total disregard for personal hygiene, combined w/deleterious physical effects of meddling w/forces beyond comprehension, very unpleasant personal aroma, teeth scattered about where they fell, streaked and torn wizardly raiment
11. Crippling assassination paranoia: spends preponderance of time concocting anti-assassination spells, charms, talismans, dismissed/wrongfully executed staff w/any talent,competence, prefers to be surrounded by trustworthy idiots, skeletons, zombies, extremely jumpy, trigger happy
12. Enfeebling lassitude: years of wrestling w/cosmic forces wear a body out, lacks strength to lift hand from side w/out powerful stimulants, hauled by servitors on travel couch, faints a lot

Underworld Booze Subtable
1-2. Cave Lightning straight from the home distillery
3-4. Coffin Varnish, brewed by trolls, temporarily arrests regeneration
5-6. Jolly, flavorless lichen ale, one must throw back continuous stream of the stuff to catch/maintain buzz
7-8. Pit juice on the rocks, collected from glands of demon magically chained to wall
9-10. Devil's Slough & soda, several cases in collection, according to markings over 10,000 years old
11-12. Hellwater, straight, 12 ounces of catoblepas milk chaser to minimize internal combustion

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