Monday, April 14, 2014

So You Threw your Drink in the Barbarian's Face...

1. After moment's silent pause, throws drink in your face, laughs mightily
2. No immediate effect, days later fur loincloth cleaning bill arrives via carrier raven
3. Grunts, wipes self, sees a clean patch of skin for the first time in many months, test-sniffs armpits, slips off for long-overdue bath
4. You have just initiated a mandatory drinking competition ending only w/near lethal alcohol poisoning
5. Barbarian leans back, hands behind head, smiling, secure in the knowledge that, according to tribal beliefs, you shall surely perish on your next dungeon expedition
6. You just proposed marriage to barbarian's youngest child (irrevocable)
7. Barbarian immediately leaves in abject humiliation, weeping slightly due to triggered childhood trauma
8. Picks up your smallest companion, proceeds to use as human towel
9. Utters terrifying war howl, beats self around face, neck, chest, kicks up a real froth going on at length, hoping you'll just run away, failing this, reluctantly attacks
10. Retrieves nearest keg, cask, barrel or bottle, proceeds to bludgeon you insensible
11. Raises small metal object to lips, soundlessly blows, previously unseen wolf appears to rip your throat out
12. Laughs, extends hand as if in congratulations for providing such amusement, then kicks you in the crotch while producing battle-axe w/head the size of a coffee table


  1. Awesome. I like that there are a lot of ways it could go instead of just an immediate bar fight. Could you do "So you insulted the table of Dwarves at the bar (one too many short jokes)" ? That situation came up recently in my game and I wasn't sure how they should react.

  2. #6 and #8 are excellent! #7, too. "Triggered childhood trauma." Nice. What is barbarian therapy for PTSD?