Thursday, August 30, 2012

The Unexpected Dungeon Guest Star

1. Evil warrior and equally wicked men-at-arms on quest to destroy highly desirable magic item
2. Honored sword master from famous school seeks duel worthy of expertise
3. Expert monster wrangler on dungeon safari to bring abominations back alive for roadside attraction
4. Halfling w/gambling addiction and overwhelming debt sneaking around looking for low-hanging fruit: has leads on several possibilities and would happily sucker PCs into doing dirty work
5. Concealed by full plate and closed helm, inhuman tries to pass as the paladin he just killed
6. Humanoid sports team fresh from victory and full of booze carouses w/gaggle of fans
7. Stone giant scholar researching pre-giant history w/bag full of rare books and scrolls
8. Weeping giant butterfly w/death's head markings on black wings: has laid eggs and now laments inevitable end
9. Half-deranged sorcerer polymorphed into cloud of fruit flies seeks arcane assistance
10. Ex-paramour of wealthy old vampire eager to aid would-be plunderers
11. Socially inept warrior w/2-handed sword just might come in handy if PCs tolerate non-stop barrage of insult comedy
12. The Singing Mummy

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Weird Bats of the Underworld

1. Sucker bats: the lamprey eel of the Underworld, tolerated by large creatures
2. Man-face bats: normal bats w/maned and bearded human-like heads
3. Vulture bats: huge carrion eaters, viciously defend carcasses
4. Wound seekers: like ravens, attracted to sites of recent battle
5. Stench bats: emit defensive inky cloud of toxic gas when disturbed
6. Large mouth bats: huge filter feeders swoop around dining on aero-prawns and the like
7. Moth bats: mindlessly attracted to light sources, often snuffing out torches
8. Singing bats: fly in complex formations, create mesmerizing harmonies
9. Hover bats: four-winged creatures buzz around like remote control helicopters
10. Assassin bats: picks victim and begins campaign of single attacks, inflicting death by 1000 cuts
11. Spider bats: lost ability to fly, instead scuttle along walls and ceilings, hunting in packs
12. Fluttering things: bat-wings with no bodies, a mystery of the Underworld

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Experimental Trope Collider

Roll once on each table, re-rolling until satisfied, insert ampersand, proceed with retroclone project.

Table One
1. Deathtraps
2. Demigods
3. Dwarfs
4. Demonlords
5. Doppelgangers
6. Duels
7. Destroyers
8. Dryads
9. Daggers
10. Dinosaurs
11. Deicide
12. Dastards

Table Two
1. Degenerates
2. Decadence
3. Dirigibles
4. Debauchery
5. Diabolists
6. Desecrators
7. Derangement
8. Damnation
9. Disintegrators
10. Dystopias
11. Doomsday
12. Deep Space

Sunday, August 26, 2012

At the Bottom of the Pit

1. Insect-size Oracle of the Pit answers queries on any subject, demands payment in fresh nectar
2. Elaborate headdress w/magic feather of levitation among detritus
3. Swamp of slow digestive enzymes seeping from walls
4. Heap of crumbling bones provides chance of falling damage reduction, airborne cloud of decomposing flesh provides chance of lethal infection upon impact
5. Useless but friendly ghost of previous pit victim
6. Fist-size tunnel to bustling City State of the Rats
7. Hibernating saber tooth badger clogs tunnel to surface
8. Living victim of trap: wizard with broken legs, half-nuts, currently eating pages from spell book
9. Mystical gate to random campaign world
10. Soul-eating astral predator bides time while humming pleasant little tune
11. Victim-eating ant colony commanded by quite chatty psychic queen
12. Extensive adventuring notes carved into wall, final act of mortally wounded rogue

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Weird Farmers

1. Dunkel the dirt farmer's got a third eye that sees only the truth
2. Gurter the tiller has few friends, all of them rather credulous ghosts: he can convince them of just about anything
3. Ah-ah, feral master of the plum grove has a single incredibly strong arm growing out of the middle of his chest: he's killed several in arm-wrestling exhibitions
4. Zat the bat herder shares an uncanny bond with the creatures of the night
5. Y'ruk's turnip fields are guarded by huge black stag who may or may not actually breath fire
6. Bro Craglor's secret to bountiful harvests: surrounding fields with circle of gently killed pixies
7. Widowed Zondor Kroom's seven sons wear wraps to conceal their snake-beards
8. Awful Gonofle grows spell components on the side in exchange for zombie night-labor
9. Caloo Barleyfield murders wanderers and scatters their bodies in his fields to encourage swamp-ape soil fertilization
10. Ahkdar's fields go untended since the sinkhole opened up but he's jollier than ever
11. By some unknown innate power Yeeurg the root harvester can speak every known language + several unknown
12. Loaf Landus seems to sleep all day, yet somehow always has the best cart at market, rivals willing to pool their resources for assassination fees

Friday, August 24, 2012

Unexpected Dungeon Boons

1. Map indicating dungeon traps found at bottom of 20' pit filled with poisoned spikes
2. Near-mutinous guardian creatures offer bribe to adventurers to avoid unnecessary unpleasantness
3. Blood-sucking cave bats transmit benign virus that permanently enhances low-light vision
4. High-powered gold magnet dropped by hastily evacuating alchemist
5. Dungeon overlord's passkey carelessly left in lock after extended revelry
6. Pack of relatively wimpy humanoids laden with disproportionate amounts of cash, attempt to make night deposit for some successful dungeon enterprise
7. Managing to survive death ray trap triggers propagation of tissues enhancing strength and endurance upon full healing
8. Dungeon fleas that sense danger to their host, bite like hell when monsters near
9. Dragon contemplating relocation w/fiery hatred for every other dungeon inhabitant, more than happy to point out vulnerabilities
10. Adventurers injured by chaos jelly find upon healing their once-wounded tissues temporarily invulnerable to physical harm
11. Demon, swollen with pride over recent victory, happy to cheer on and indirectly aid adventurers' efforts for entertainment value
12. Dungeon armistice after vicious territorial conflict leaves denizens unprepared, inebriated or otherwise off their guard

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Dungeon Plagues

Table One: Pathogen
1. Rot pox: too hideous a fate to describe
2. Exploding fever: temperature spikes then keeps on cooking until extremely unpleasant eruption
3. Zombie itch: turns host into mindless self-scratching machine
4. Brain virus: before roasting the brain w/high fever inverts personality/skews cognition
5. Face-eating bacteria: it ain't pretty
6. Suicide chills: eventually lethal but more frequently ended by victim
7. Death shakes: tremors come on almost instantly after exposure, escalate to grotesque parody of ecstatic dance, followed swiftly by death
8. Wraith germ: attacks point of contact between spirit and body, creating ghost (death)
9. Dysentery of Abject Misery: immobilizes and kills by dehydration/humiliation
10. Blue anguish: subject turns blue and writhes in agony for 1-6 days until deceased
11. Bone Melter: turns skeleton into so much jelly followed by suffocation
12. Shriveling wastes: victim becomes more hideous than the most ancient lich, then snuffs it unceremoniously

Table Two: Vector
1. Dungeon ooze
2. Anything handled by filthy kobolds
3. Vampire blood
4. Kraken excrement
5. Sewer monsters
6. Bat vomit
7. Monster latrine
8. Subterranean pools
9. Bugbear lice
10. Ancient gold coins leftover from plague-eradicated civilization
11. Draconic cerebrospinal fluid
12. Troll mucus

Table Three: Cures (other than Cure Disease spell)
1-2. Huge monetary sacrifice to the god of the wretched
3-4. 24-hour ritual involving free-form dance and large amounts of chicken blood
5-6. Victim must be bled to within inch of life
7-8. Cup of hot poison (50% chance of instant death anyway)
9-10. Subject must be roasted over open flame until half-dead
11-12. Incurable!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Enchanted Conveniences of the Rich and Sorcerous

1. Ever-full goblet of the finest hooch
2. Mind-controlled servants, lobotomized and reprogrammed for maximum efficiency
3. Eight-armed deep tissue massage therapist
4. Magic mouth w/wizard eye feature: automatic scroll & tome reader
5. Hovercouch
6. World's Most Fabulous Lavatory
7. Potion of rock-hard abs
8. Concubine teleportation system
9. Expert mani-pedi homunculi
10. Bottled water elemental health beverage
11. Perfectly-behaved, highly affectionate lap-demon
12. Ensorcelled hair-dos

Monday, August 20, 2012

Fleeing the Dungeon

1. Exhausted swordsman w/multiple arrows in back drags unconscious wizard, bleeding profusely and moaning piteously
2. Cyclops clutching superficially wounded eye, doesn't yet realize he's not blind
3. Gaggle of diminutive humanoids evacuating in a big hurry with whatever personal effects they could grab or stuff in a sack
4. Duo of warriors in mad sprint, currently on fire
5. Thief, barely able to contain glee, with sack full of gems and magical trinkets
6. Vampire in wolf form, cursing venomously
7. Dragon w/one horribly mangled wing in state of shock
8. Pale, sweaty, and trembling fledgling wizard with bag of gold in one hand, blood dripping dagger in the other
9. Stampeding herd of torch bearers and men-at-arms, report former employers dead or captured
10. Large cube jelly making off with dead giant whose head is embedded within after fortuitous critical hit
11. Necromancer disguised as escaped prisoner following coup d'état by underlings
12. All the rats as if from a sinking ship

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Dungeon Love Connections

Love is both blind and not particularly bright. But its power to make things weird, even in the darkest subterranean pits, can never be entirely snuffed out. Alas!
Roll once on each table below for traditional one-on-one romance, with additional rolls for love triangles or more complex entanglements.

Table One
1. Blind old troll with walker made of bones
2. Poverty-stricken Dragon needing sugar-parent
3. Doppelganger that got in too deep
4. Exceptionally intelligent subhuman poet
5. Dinosaur man: fugitive from menagerie
6. Melancholy Templar of Chaos
7. Exceedingly amorous intelligent ooze
8. Sorcerer's ghost: post-auto-disintegration
9. Half giant with heart of gold
10. The cutest kobold on record
11. Young surface aristocrat looking for thrills
12. Insomniac vampire: bored and clingy

Table Two
1. Disembodied wizard head
2. Otherwise 100% belligerent physical fitness-obsessed ogre (attacks with barbells)
3. Age-withered high priest of chaos unable to contain urges
4. Evil warrior with tragic B.O.
5. Religious zealot slipping away from values
6. Saber tooth dungeon hound
7. Axe-wielding homicidal maniac w/mostly hidden soft side
8. Cyclops w/monocle and delusional social ambitions putting on airs
9. Agent of Law distracted from mission of assassination
10. Polyamorous dwarf: loves deeply and sincerely but needs to spread it around
11. Psychic for whom love remains a major blind spot
12. Wandering dungeon sage with the hormones of a 16 year old

Love Condition Table
1-2. Exciting and new
3-4. All-consuming passion
5-6. Hit the doldrums: comfortable like an old shoe
7-8. Spats of increasing intensity, jealousy, recriminations
9-10. On the skids: ugly break up imminent
11-12. Unrequited

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Underworld Currency

1. Lead coins bearing stamped insignia of underworld overlord
2. Shiny, tumble-polished purple rocks in three sizes
3. Dungeon fairy dust: by weight, kept in silk bags
4. Dragon scales or varying color/quality
5. Heads/skulls, by size, degree of freshness
6. Live snails, by shell color and complexity
7. Ingested globule: value encoded in RNA
8. Rare and precious gas exchange: money balloons
9. Tally bones
10. Intricately embossed tin notes: represent chunks of unrefined ores
11. Sealed ceramic pots containing various denominations of mucks, mires, bog-waters, sloughs and ichors
12. Souls trapped in crystal matrix

Friday, August 17, 2012

Secret Societies in the Big City

1. Fraternity of Cosmic Indifference
2. Aristocrats for a Stratified Society
3. Graft Guild
4. Brotherhood of Cutthroats
5. League of Debauchery
6. Arcane Supremacists
7. Green Panthers
8. Parent's Committee Concerned about Sorcery
9. Sea Dogs and Piratical Ship Workers Local
10. Anti-Riff-Raff League
11. Academy of Good Taste
12. Supra Geniuses For Chaos

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Enchanted Missile Weapons of Renown

1. Arrow of Availability: once bonded w/owner, reappears in quiver within a minute of being removed for any reason
2. Throwing knives, artery-seekers: target must save or begin to bleed out if struck
3. Smart boomerang: hits up to 3 enemies/use and returns
4. Ricochet-shot sling bullet (hits up to four targets)
5. Rocket-propelled javelin: single use, accurate up to five times normal range
6. Atlatl of Caveman Strength
7. Throwing axe of appendage severing: random bits go flying on critical hit
8. Crossbow Bolt of Chaos: delivers random mutation on successful hit
9. The crag giant earl's lucky magic boulder of smashing
10. Catapult-load of sleep-inducing pixie dust (made from real ground pixies)
11. Screaming demon ballista bolt of intimidation
12. Holy hurling stone of accuracy: palm sized, smooth, a terrific rock indeed

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

What's up with the Guy Behaving Mysteriously in the Tavern?

1. Fugitive from justice unused to status and on the brink of losing cool
2. Victim of brain erasure trying to ascertain identity
3. Deviant of some stripe seeking same for dating, possible long-term relationship
4. Undercover operative from government agency monitoring freelance adventurers
5. Reeling from interpretation of recently decoded ancient stele detailing imminent apocalypse
6. Body controlled by sorcerer from remote location for nefarious purposes
7. Troubled by ramifications of recent involuntary enlightenment at the hands of a powerful shaman
8. Early stage brain virus infestation, next stop: full blown delirium
9. Holding incredibly valuable and powerful artifact and looking for a buyer
10. Waiting for contact from crime syndicate, awkwardly working code words into chit-chat
11. Clandestine visitor from another sphere trying to be nonchalant
12. Totally weirded out on black lotus

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Missing or Dead Gods Scheduled to Make Comeback

1. Lord of the Dinosaurs: ready to give it another go after notable prehistoric setback
2. Ancient god of harvests: trapped in arid dimension by upstart currently in power, remaining cultists planning rescue operation
3. Ith-plp-ah-ah, deity of the intelligent cephalopods: almost finished regenerating after passing through digestive tract of cosmic megalodon
4. Perpetually perishing and resurrecting Lord of the Martyrs on the scene yet again
5. God of vengeance: nearly completed eon of trans-cosmic score settling, ready to rekindle following in native realm
6. Deity abandoned by worshippers spent eon nursing wounded ego somewhere in the void, recently convinced by more successful member of pantheon to make spectacular return, offering two-for-one spells to prospective clerics
7. Sun God went super-nova and died, reborn as black hole god: readying press release to announce alarming agenda
8. The Cloned Lord: return not exactly a surprise
9. Once popular among the intelligent beetles of a bygone epoch, the scarab god finally finished molting into sleek new anthropoid form
10. Careless titan made off w/enchanted halberd embedded in the vampire god's black heart
11. The Cloven God: halves arrived at power-sharing compromise and requisite theological justifications, once again ready for business
12. Hrikikichi the Cockroach God: rumors of extermination greatly exaggerated

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The Lich's Current Love Interest

1. Rosy-cheeked young offspring of yeoman farmer, embodies all the qualities long since sloughed off by the lich
2. Spouse of prominent regional leader
3. Dragon w/human mind trapped within
4. Irrational fixation on particularly ravishing subhuman, causing shame, guilt and abundant inner conflict
5. Extremely charming and evil halfling
6. Heretical obsession with arch bishop of Church of Law
7. Memory of long-deceased heir to antediluvian monarchy, soul unavailable for reincarnation
8. Saves up love to lavish upon animate mummified cats
9. Devoted to incredibly decrepit senior citizen of astonishing longevity
10. Love-struck at first sight by the most charismatic PC (in the event of a tie, the lich just can't decide which one to love more)
11. Ghost of a pre-human scientist
12. Anything that moves

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Gigantic Monsters

1. Marmodon: incredibly huge marmoset, dines exclusively on human heads
2. Blue Terror: gigantic aerial cousin to Portuguese man-of-war
3. Thrazenor: enormous stone-like anthropoid, seizes lightning from the sky
4. The Cloud: malevolent living vapor, snuffs out entire villages leaving dessicated corpses in wake
5. Sky serpent: mammoth polychromatic flying snake, only certain gods know origin, hunting aerial creatures to extinction
6. Mountain snail: more the size of a large hill, really; "shell" composed of boulders cemented together by snail mortar
7. Earth Strider: titanic daddy longlegs, re-animated, hollowed out and used as mobile dungeon lair by lich
8. The Great Unspeakable: single tapering tentacle rises high above base of four stout ambulation tentacles, roams randomly, seeks other gigantic monsters to wrestle
9. Death Sage: giant hideous human-like head with spider legs, spews aphorisms and historical data while smashing through city walls
10. Titanoclops: towering bipedal fungus w/single complex eye that projects destructive energy wave
11. The Forest Eater: fifty foot tall man-shape w/locust head spews corrosive black ichor to aid in digesting old growth forests
12. The Colossal Ghost of Old Laser Breath

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Tiny Dungeon Menaces

1. Immortal Queen of All Ants and her army of 1000 demi-god offspring
2. Miniature UFOs on exploratory mission: based on early findings, invasion postponed indefinitely
3. Armor-eating microorganisms: spread via contact with strangely tarnished enchanted chest plate
4. Hell's own airborne virus: outrageous perspiration and evil thoughts mark onset of infection followed swiftly by black vomit and development of demonic features
5. Ration stealing pocket-apes: non-aggressive, but bite like hell to avoid capture
6. Alarm crickets: bred by intelligent dungeon monsters to chirp loudly when approached by strangers
7. Micro-pudding: slips into boot and starts digesting foot, exudes anaesthetic ichor to mask operations
8. Stealth pixies: sneak into adventurers' packs, uncork potions, defecate on rations, chew scrolls, etc.
9. Ear canal-seeking demons of mimicry: use voices of fellow adventurers to promote paranoiac mayhem
10. Rat lords: palm size humanoids command normal rats to acquire food and treasure, ride out in force astride rodent mounts
11. Archery bugs: defend castle-like hive on dungeon wall with hails of toothpick-size projectiles
12. The Littlest Apparition

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Raise Dead: Weird Side Effects

1. Stress-induced catatonia: saving throw each combat/traumatic situation
2. Speaks 1d6 random new languages, forgets 1d4 previously known
3. Daily temporary random limb paralysis (1d4, 1: l. arm 2: r. arm 3 l. leg 4 r. leg)
4. Hears whispers from the spirit realm
5. Believes self to be reincarnated as a duck (or something equally absurd), despite all evidence to the contrary
6. Heavy conversion experience to deity represented by presiding cleric, featuring full-on zealotry, unsurpassed fanaticism
7. Food requirement doubled, no longer requires sleep
8. Ability to detach spirit from corporeal form at will
9. Detects spirit-world disturbances, undead at range
10. Super-heroic courage of the fatalistic self-sacrificing variety
11. Molts: must slough off and regenerate soft tissues one weekend/month
12. Stench of the dead: attracts flies, vermin

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Underworld Entertainments

1. Headless dance troupe under psychic control of mind-eater choreographer
2. Recitation of ghastly epic poem by obese ogre noted for exceedingly well-moderated vocal tones
3. Subterranean ape acrobats directed with roared commands by massive and unmoving bull ape: prefer to be paid in food
4. Subhuman chief's bi-annual abomination hunt: 100's of stone implement equipped contestants swarm about in frenzy, hoping to win substantial reward
5. After eleven months of dour taciturnity grey dwarfs celebrate month-long Festival of Mayhem
6. Spellbinding oratory available weekly at regional Temples of Chaos
7. Slug-man dramatists perform days-long tragedies w/elaborate SPFX provided by company wizard
8. Subhumans jam nightly on variety of stone & bone rhythm instruments while deranged on fermented ogre saliva brew
9. Vampire entrepreneur leads wagon-train zoo, charges modest fee for subterraneans to ogle such semi-unknown surface creatures as unicorns, ducks, halflings
10. Oral storytelling time w/the eons-addled dragon who never shuts up: 1 in 6 chance of uttering useful information, 1 in 20 audience members absent-mindedly devoured
11. Disembodied head chorus, witch doctor conductor: not really meant for human ears, an acquired taste
12. Spectacular public executions, jazzed up for maximum entertainment value: ex. live cave wall "action painting" using condemned prisoners and trebuchet 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Yeah, But THIS Vampire...

1. Transmutes at need into black ooze form
2. Drinks only the blood of halflings
3. Has swollen to gross immensity after gorging on village
4. Emits hypnotic vapor cloud from mouth
5. Takes the shape of a giant chigger
6. Sucks blood from toothed orifices on palms
7. Is the size of a horsefly
8. Must sleep for a fortnight
9. Can only be killed thusly
10. Repelled by recitation of verse
11. Has 20ft. long prehensile blood-sucking tongue
12. Will leave you alone if you can beat it in a strictly moderated tournament-style miniatures wargame

Note: 200th post! I figured on running out of gas about 150 posts ago. Onward!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Rustic Folkways of the Subsistence Farmers

1. The measure of a man: beard length and fullness, mustachio optional, bachelor farmers rock wicked muttonchops
2. Active distrust for city-folk, organizations and institutions
3. War and fighting viewed as ways of slacking off
4. Witchcraft and magic use publicly regarded as unclean (unless, if secretly employed, it might help the harvest)
5. If it don't scare the herd-beasts...
6. Primogeniture rigidly enforced, younger siblings considered expendable
7. Leery of monetary exchange as too theoretical, prefer barter
8. Characteristically chew vast plugs of mildly psychoactive herb, much expectoration, jolliness
9. Stoical temperance widespread and rigidly socially reinforced, much glowering, seriousness
10. Strict seasonal lifestyle: intense periods of labor alternate w/weeks of full-time revelry
11. Ecstatic religiosity, intense piety, temple worship rarely shirked lest the harvest suffer
12. Devoted to pie

Friday, August 3, 2012

Automatic Weird Dragons

Physical characteristics

1. Smilodon
2. Swan
3. Caiman
4. Eagle
5. Snail
6. T-rex
7. Hippopotamus
8. Lemur
9. Toad
10. Pit bull
11. Housefly
12. Human

Body plan
1. Serpent
2. Centipede
3. Rooster
4. Mantis
5. Quadrupedal anthropoid
6. Hyena
7. Polar bear
8. Peacock
9. Apatosaurus
10. Pangolin
11. Gecko
12. Land whale

Assumptions: all dragons have bat-like wings (often vestigial/merely decorative), scintillant scales, elongated necks and tails

Once amalgamated in the mind's eye, refer to the following tables:

Weird Dragon Breath
The Dragon's State of Mind
The Intelligent Dragon's Current Obsession
Current Favorite Items in the Dragon's Hoard

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Dungeon Relocations

1. Medusa secretly flees befouled relationship with duplicitous demigod, bringing only what she could cram in her overnight bag 
2. Vampire couple and coterie of half-vampire minions hauling wagon w/coffins, pots of native soil
3. Horde of subhumans displaced by spike in subterranean dinosaur population: roll hideous stone idols on greased logs
4. Dragon's real estate agent scouts for luxury lair-away-from-home
5. Brood of recently-hatched giant spiders: egg-sack mates or no, cannibalize one another as they seek lairs of their own
6. Necromancer w/train of zombies overburdened by eldritch collectibles
7. Troupe of ogre musicians skipping out on the rent
8. Company of evil mercenaries w/new customer: taking sweet time, 50% chance of drunken bivouac
9. Witch followed by magically animated worldly possessions
10. Caravan of slug-men and team of headless lizards (under psychic control) transport vats of vital ichors, carefully packed crates of slug-man eggs
11. Forlorn god-like abomination leads remaining flock of cultists, equally downcast, after losing out to wildly popular new deity in former locale
12. Unlikely mix of dungeon creatures evacuate en mass as from Warner Bros. Tasmanian Devil (tm).

Note: Due to frayed nerves, suppressed anxiety and stressors inherent in relocating, reactions to adventurers skew heavily toward hostility