Saturday, December 31, 2011

Utterances of the Malfunctioning Magic Mouth

1. Divulges personal information of caster
2. Rattles off locations of unguarded treasure
3. Solves math problems with 100% accuracy
4. Topical stand up comedy routine
5. Sings lullaby ad nauseum
6. Repeatedly attempts to place dinner order
7. Warns of nearby traps
8. Dispenses monster-fighting advice straight from the MM
9. Spews incomprehensible gibberish in hysterical tone
10. Babbles a stream of cutsie-pie baby talk
11. Dictates contents of caster's spell book in repeating loop
12. Begins counting down from 100 in voice of 1950's sci-fi robot

Friday, December 30, 2011

Dungeon Audio

1. Ambient grinding of tectonic plates
2. Distant crowd roars in approbation
3. Colossal footfalls draw inexorably nearer
4. Just beyond sight, a chitinous skittering
5. From below: a thunderous collapse
6. A series of staccato reports
7. Echoing voice screams out praise to unknown gods
8. Ahead: the distinctively insane piping of the cube jelly
9. Human-like choir of the highest order
10. Pathetic puppy-like whimper (mating call of the tomb worm)
11. Impossibly, the sound of heavy rain and thunder
12. Unseen orchestra performs selections by Basil Poledouris

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Things Washed Up on a Subterranean Beach

1. Chest full of theatrical costumes
2. Half-filled vial of water breathing potion
3. Dead twin aristocrats shackled together
4. Deranged merfolk beaching themselves
5. Multiple corked bottles with messages reading "Don't bother" and "Too late"
6. The body of a tree-man king
7. A well-sealed cake box (w/ intact cake)
8. Block of ice with frozen ancient astronaut
9. Super-colossal dead whale
10. Abandoned, ancient, yet entirely seaworthy vessel
11. Chest teeming with maggots and disease
12. The Sea God's key ring

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Contents of the Giant's Lunchbox

1. Gnome-salad sandwich
2. Black pudding roll-ups
3. Marinated shriekers
4. A sack of toasted heads
5. Lower half of a dwarf, upper half of an elf
6. A disturbingly large sausage
7. Baked bones (for roughage)
8. Assorted shrubberies
9. Boneless halfling nuggets
10. A barrel of lard with unidentifiable meat chunks
11. Sashimi (actually just a big dead fish)
12. A huge stitched bladder filled with river water
note: roll several times for a well-balanced meal

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Puzzling Documents Found Amongst Personal Effects

1. Diagrams for E-Z pyramid construction: secrets revealed!
2. Ancient vampire's obsessive listing of 1000's of victims (with ratings)
3. Schematic for trans-planar vehicle (pasted together from torn shreds)
4. Receipt for delivery of slaves signed by dragon's proxy
5. Forlorn love letters from known lich in locked and trapped coffer
6. Stacks of paper money from unknown civilization
7. Ancient treatise on the distillation of hard liquor in a demonic script
8. Ledger indicating large payouts to local mercenary leaders
9. Map of walled city with notations on weaknesses, points of entry
10. The 400 page diary of a conspiracy theory-crazed graphomaniac
11. A book of recipes for Mastodons and other Pleistocene-type mammals
12. Log book of arcane experiments (subject: enhancing magical potency of fruit flies)

Monday, December 26, 2011

Strange and Terrible Curses

1. The Beard of Worms
2. Stomach rumblings of evil portent
3. The Hex of Unrelenting Ennui
4. The Implacable Urge of Self-annihilation
5. The Evil Third Eye
6. The Doom of Obscurity
7. Always followed by rats
8. Victories shall be hollow
9. The Unattainable Ambition
10. The Doom of Repeated Public Humiliations
11. The Unpredictable Apoplexy
12. The Repellent Stench Unremovable

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Underworld Festivals and Holy Days

1. The Fortnight of Perpetual Drumming
2. Gibbetfest (The Arbiter Ghost chooses who shall hang)
3. Monster Feast: edible monster hunted and BBQed
4. The Remembrance of Silent Darkness (noise and light: highly offensive)
5. All-Brawlers Eve (followed by the annual Underworld Armistice)
6. Cannibal's Regale
7. Slave's Day of Wanton Liberty (rarely observed these days)
8. Fete of the Not-quite Dead
9. Semi-annual Outcast Purge
10. Ritual Lampooning of the Surface-folk's Gods (excellent costumes)
11. Weaklings Last Gala (followed by Warband Recruitment Day)
12. The Weekend of Unlikely Alliances

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Symptoms of Post-traumatic Delving Disorder

1. Self-medicates with constant flow of mead/ale/black lotus
2. Stirge-mania: bats at shadows, constantly scans ceiling
3. Paralyzing door paranoia: checks for traps at inn, mother's house, etc.
4. Delver's Tremor (often accompanies 1, above)
5. Back stab shock: approach from behind triggers preemptive strike
6. Laughs in the face of death way too much
7. Torch-triggered panic/catatonia
8. Stalact-o-phobia
9. Compulsive ration hoarding
10. Henchman attachment disorder (accompanied by unmanly weeping)
11. Berserker's Regret: tortured by remembrances of friendly fire
12. Sleeps with 10 foot pole

Friday, December 23, 2011

Atypical Items Found in Desk

1. Drawers filled with the bones of small animals
2. A golden false eye
3. A silver hand-sized harp
4. Poison ink in clearly marked bottle
5. Ladies undergarments (giantess size)
6. Receipts from demon for services rendered
7. A seven-fingered glove
8. Very active stinging ant colony
9. Metal box filled with unidentified white powder
10. Paper with designs for unknown flag or device
11. Tiny handcuffs and leg irons (one gross)
12. Dessicated hand wearing cursed ring

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Reports Following Return from Negative Hit Points

1. Meet and greet w/ incarnations of selves past and future
2. Found self waiting in seemingly infinite celestial queue
3. Soundless black pit of oblivion
4. Embodied in form of primitive sub-aqueous jelly
5. Just about to crack the Riddle of Steel
6. Having seen reality for the dream it is, one can never be the same
7. Arrived outside the door to cyclopean mead hall: access denied
8. Almost finished spelling out "Help!" on somebody's Ouija Board
9. Descended esophagus of the Earth Serpent before regurgitated
10. Assailed momentarily by the taunts and jeers of Elysian satyrs
11.  Endured meaningless dialogue w/ mournful spirits in dreary cavern
12. Full tour of the planes of existence: Gygax was right!

Outrageous Attire of the City Folk

1. Clothing decorated with delicately nurtured molds and fungi
2. Full body make-up + loincloth
3. Citizens festoon selves with bunko talismans of every description
4. Ridiculously baroque codpieces
5. A monocle for every occasion
6. Grotesque false noses
7. Peacock-like tail feather arrays
8. Mummified giant spider hats
9. Heavy bondage vibe: black leather, straps, buckles, spikes, dog collars, etc.
10. Men, women and children girded for battle 24/7
11. The measure of a man: mustachio size
12. Lowest caste in hierarchy: the pantsless ones

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Weird Perils in the Forest

1. Genocide war in progress: pixies vs. fairies
2. Pick-pocket squirrels and the Fagin-like treeman who protects/exploits them
3. The Skunk Whisperer and her reeking horde
4. The Leaf-covered Lord lies inert surrounded by worshipful druid/botanists
5. Canopy-dwelling Wise Monkeys
6. Log tower of the giant forester ants
7. Vampire chipmunks
8. Warband of Pygmies and their 9 ft. tall demigod champion
9. The Parliament of Ungulates
10. War profiteer with cargo of tiny weapons
11. Vengeful psychic tree fungus colony looking to hire assassins
12. Hidden enclave of perpetually drunken elves

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Peculiar Laws and Customs of the City Folk

1. Compulsory singing of national anthem/fight song thrice daily
2. Incomprehensibly byzantine dietary restrictions based on astrology
3. Elaborate hand-jive accompanies all social interactions
4. Laughter forbidden: citizens strike themselves instead
5. Spectacle-addled society addicted to staged giant monster combats
6. All laws subject to debate when invoked, crowd adjudicates
7. First bite of food chewed and spat out to honor fallen homies
8. Greeting: slap in the face
9. Everyone wears see-through sarongs,  PDA omnipresent
10. Unspeakable personal hygiene hallmark of high society
11. Mandatory meditation upon sounding of colossal gong
12. Gods venerated before, during and after every conversation

Monday, December 19, 2011

Underworld Sporting Events

1. Poison drinking contest
2. The Chasm Leap
3. Giant spider web escape
4. Live pin bowling
5. The Obstacle Course of Certain Death
6. Abyssal scavenger hunt
7. Ballista bolt catch
8. Nightmare-drawn chariot race
9. Ironskull, the game of withstanding head blows
10. Mad ape wrestling
11. The pudding jump
12. Purple worm rodeo

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Unusual Dungeon Pets

1. Giant paramecium in tank (eats goldfish)
2. Moon cat (lives on ceiling)
3. Herd of micro-horses in scenic terrarium
4. Chimp bodyguard in custom plate armor
5. Overweight giant spider, very friendly, likes to nuzzle
6. Collection of living disembodied heads
7. Dentured ocelot on a leash
8. Pet boulder (a lively conversationalist according to owner)
9. Baluchitherium in specially maintained enviro-cave
10. Giant walking catfish
11. Fully-functional miniature pet volcano
12. Chihuahua/hell-hound hybrid

Totally gratuitous petsploitation pic

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Unfathomable Deities

1. Oon the Enumerator, god of computation
2. Lashetag, the bat-god of blindness
3. Cerebrus, the god of mind
4. The Seven Lords of the Fen
5. Erronius the Sultan of Blunder
6. Lugubrus of the Many Tongues
7. The Lord of Five Fingers
8. Surrus the Wheel God of Progress
9. Grappa the Drunken Healer
10. Praganon of the Word
11. Shagor the Master of Size
12. Blobamus Prime

Monday, December 5, 2011

Unknown Spells

1. Liquefaction of Bone
2. Phran-dahl's Face Eraser
3. Malicious Marring of the Exquisite
4. Excellent Ray of Nudity
5. Oxfam's Handy Head Expander
6. The Stench of Unknown Origin
7. Twelve Dancing Centipedes
8. Xix's Automatic Nervous Breakdown
9. Phreen's Humiliating Rictus
10. Ray of Obsequiousness
11. Fong's Expeditious Beard Lengthener
12. Galadigrius' Esoteric Inquiry

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Dungeon Corpses

1. Dead thief collapsed half-way through a secret door
2. Eleven dead man-apes covered with sucker marks
3. Three dessicated husks of the dwarfish persuasion
4. Human-type creature blasted to tiny bits
5. The head of a hill giant with a message in his teeth
6. Area filled with reeking/disintegrating horror of ichor and tentacles
7. Five bandits and their leader fallen upon own swords
8. Three ornately armored warriors crushed almost flat
9. Two green halfling bodies still clutching their throats
10. Beheaded dragon (loot free)
11. Spear-impaled berserker with sword thrust through face of adjacent berserk
12. Wizard with smoking neck-stump