Sunday, June 25, 2017

Street Wildlife in the Big City

City gardens overrun by gnomes. Citizens advised to
avoid eye-contact, report sightings to Imperial 
Ministry of Pest Control.

Wildlife abatement workers wanted!

1. Bald ravens w/elongated necks roost near saloons, swoop in like vultures to exploit lethal outbreaks of mayhem
2. Disgruntled ex-familiars form gang, launch crime wave featuring collective spell casting, use identity theft to rent tenement dwelling for collective use
3. Tiny swine stampede between trash heaps, overwhelm lone drunks w/numbers, stripped to the bone in minutes
4. Everybody hates sewer apes
5. Load of exotic wood for aristocrat's vanity gazebo project brings species of buzzsaw-faced termites, sound like tiny belt sanders at midnight, sudden building collapses all over town
6. Hateful squirrels spit caustic saliva on passersby, vandalize public spaces w/artistically-placed excrement
7. Anthropomorphic giant rats walk on two legs, run protection rackets, beat the shit out of teamsters to steal sacks of grain, wear hats
8. Plague of gorgeous toucan-like birds perch wherever the hell they want, help themselves to fruit vender's wares, defend their personal space w/hatchet-like beak attacks
9. Body lice abandon their hosts at midnight, get together in the streets for social mixers in their millions
10. Rumor birds mimic human speech, hang around the swanky parts of town, widely disseminate only the juiciest gossip
11. Alley jaguars, exceedingly rare, make effort to only take wicked children, urban-camo fur sought after by fashionistas
12. Nude, hirsute, semi-intelligent gnomes actually boon to city gardens, work their magic by night, record yields consumed in feeding frenzy just prior to harvest

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