Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Dragon: Terroristic Threats

1. Will hunt down and burn the families, friends and acquaintances of any who dare enter lair
2. Will release toxic bile into the water table, perverting it for all time
3. Will topple every tower in the kingdom starting with the tallest
4. Will enter a state of preternatural fecundity, spreading it's vile progeny like a plague upon the land
5. After establishing air supremacy, will burn only most favored crops
6. Will unceasingly bombard royal palaces with its foulest excrement
7. Will take a single virgin each night starting with the most ravishing
8. Will assume the form of a man, rise to the throne, resume dragon form, and set forth to establish empire of open evil
9. Will intercept each and every shipment of wine entering the realm
10. Will intimidate the various regional forces of evil into fealty and embark upon unprecedented campaign of terror and wanton destruction
11. Will self-detonate it's massive inner stores of fire, exploding with the force of a smaller atomic bomb, taking the adventures and everything in the dungeon with it in a final act of defiance
12. Will escape with its hoard to squander ancient treasures on games of chance and other trivial amusements


  1. Dragon as threatened 3rd world dictator... excellent. I think there might be room for a corresponding "whimsical affectations of the dragon". Including such classics as "Abducts moderately well known actresses and directors and forces them to perform its stilted badly written plays" (Kim Jong Il), "Writes and publishes passable post modern fiction" (Gaddaffi), "Has air force of 'dragon riders' who lack riding dragons and instead practice flying by jumping off tables and running about with arms outstretched" (Idi Amin) and "Collects/commissions incredibly tasteless and self glorifying fantasy art and drinks unfashionable wine" (Saddam Hussein).

    1. Fantasy can't hold a candle to straight-up human folly. Thanks, Gusty!