Saturday, December 14, 2013

The Lich is Away From its Lair

1. At dungeon entrance, inspecting crate of ancient/forbidden tomes, checking order carefully for any deviation from promised contents/conditions, delivery ogre magically frozen in position by door should order fail to satisfy
2. Taking leisurely stroll through dungeon environment, chatting w/invisible ghost consultant, intelligent monsters in area notably deferential, obedient, flee at the first opportunity
3. In guard area, digesting reports of incursions into dungeon, stroking chin, brushing up on the most horrible spells of death and mayhem from travel grimoire, former captain of the guard a smoking ruin, replacement captain's face drained of color, drenched in flop sweat
4. Conducting tour of dungeon vacancies w/striking, exceedingly well-dressed vampire and hideous half-ape coffin-mule, fondling dark gem of evil, a gift from vampire
5. In lair, but in midst of prolonged astral sojourn, body hovers in lotus position guarded by pack of huge hounds made of molten lead
6. Currently in unknown dimension on initial survey, cosmic gate open in lair, swirling nightmare environment beyond instantly lethal to living beings, highly intelligent, bioluminescent, demi-material bats streaming in, find earthly conditions preferable to their own
7. On trip to nearby metropolis to check in w/real estate agency on bid to purchase private tower w/several subterranean levels in good part of town near marketplace, theater district, carries substantial down payment in gems
8. Romantic tryst in Hell with particularly seductive devil, fated to go terribly wrong, lich will have much spleen to vent upon return
9. Presenting radical breakthrough in depopulation science to conference of evil in nearby abandoned shrine, papers scattered about lair contain just enough hints for adventurers to realize potential threat to every living creature on the planet
10. Scaring the hell out of the humanoids on adjacent dungeon level whose repeated offenses/unnecessary disturbances demonstrate highly deficient sense of boundaries
11. Performing field evaluations of new and improved fireball spells (giant fireball, smart fireball, fireball w/self-extinguishing flourish, etc) on elf-infested forest nearest to dungeon
12. Appointment w/world's most attractive wizard at mountaintop spa for intensive de-shriveling treatment


  1. just dicovered your site... love this stuff!!!
    useful and bloody funny.
    in case you do requests :) ... unexpected effects of levelling up, side effects of nearly failed save throw, why is the dragon sleeping on the hoard?, why those followers/henchmen want to hang out with you, how magic really works.
    all the best

  2. Oh god this is hysterical.
    I just might include undead in my next game so I can pull every one of these stunts.

  3. This is just fantastic!

    I've added it to my Best Reads of the Week series I've been doing to help draw attention to some of the best stuff I've run across. You're welcome to check it out at the following link: