Friday, August 31, 2018

Which Gladiator Shall You Face?

Typical.


d12
1. Started off as highly trained warrior princess until kingdom fell to evil empire, captured, much misery later winds up in arena, now rippled muscles like steel bands, stabs, slashes, bludgeons, pummels, chokes, grapples with balletic grace, impeccable technique, fighters marvel at her number of attacks per round
2. Upward thrust tusks of a boar, drools copiously, otherwise tall, lanky, lean, slender, muscle tone like beef jerky, seemingly puny arms imbued w/incredible strength, hurls great stones as giant then moves in for improbably huge cleaver attack
3. Former paladin destroyed by booze, heresy, wears custom tabard emblazoned w/inverted holy symbol but otherwise equipped as filthy knight, spits at gods before each combat, spews curses so poisonous even the sailors raise eyebrows, targets opponent's crotch whenever possible
4. Eye-patched, hook-handed, peg-legged disgraced sea captain, veteran of 1000 combats, tops fan list in "hope they die" category but never does, crowd boos/throws garbage upon appearance, developed original one-handed-harpoon-based martial art, very flashy & intimidating pre-combat display
5. War pope of forbidden religion comes wrapped in red & black vestments, extra-tall hat, pair of holy water sprinklers, goes sleeveless to show off guns
6. Surgeon killed Imperator's son during routine procedure, thrown into arena for speedy end but instead excelled, much better at killing than medicine, fights w/long scalpel, extensive knowledge of nerve clusters, blood vessels, vulnerable anatomical zones
7. Deranged chef fights w/all manner of kitchen gear, saucepans, fillet knife, rolling pin, claims bodies of fallen opponents as condition of fight contract, transforms them into unique culinary creations, devours them w/thrill seeking foodies while watching other combats from box seats
8. Former town constable tried for corruption, given gladiatorial career option, unbroken winning streak due to proprietary dirty fighting techniques of hometown cops
9. The gladiator w/the broken neck, head hangs loosely, lolls from shoulder to shoulder, so distracting it gives all but most experienced warriors momentary pause, more than enough for highly successful sneak attack, moves extremely well for man w/broken neck
10. The Fruit of Order: one of several nearly identical holy executioners who enter arena out of sense of duty to cull population of ne'er-do-wells, dedicated to proposition that humankind must be exterminated in rigorously lawful, state-sponsored fashion, arena combats problematic, but not bad for a start, unfair advantage: holy sword slipped through security
11. The Mesa of Muscle AKA The Human Plateau, hugest man on record, bull neck, massive arms, head-popping hands, unarmed but for length of thick knotted rope used to disarm even sure-handed warriors w/uncanny skill, moves in for signature rib-crushing bear hug
12. Driven by unquenchable death-wish, unrecognizable, amnesiac dragon-burn victim just keeps winning, as if scar tissue were invulnerable to normal weapons, signature battle cry like Yoko Ono


1 comment:

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