Tuesday, February 4, 2014

On a Successful Check for a Nonexistent Secret Door

1. Notice tiny, highly insulting graffiti where wall meets floor
2. Discover concealed mouse-hole leading to network of mouse-tunnels that ultimately intersect in vault containing fabulous Lint-Palace of the Demi-Mouse
3. Barely perceptible crack in wall contains perpetual illusion of steamy gymnasium shower room scene
4. Beneath loose flagstone: wicked humanoid's secret collection of prurient engravings of evil
5. Thumb-size hole contains flying leech eggs, explosive hatching triggered by proximate body heat
6. Sliding panel reveals secret booze-stash of besotted wandering monster w/secret shame
7. Behind rock: sickening, overwrought love letter from aristocratic teenybopper to unknown vampire hottie, vial of virgin blood reeking of perfume
8. Section of wall swivels in slightly, stench pours out, must be where the local serial killer hides his victims until dried up and ready for unholy mummification ritual
9. Stuffed in a crack: wandering monster's spare set of dungeon keys
10. Find smashed, abandoned dungeon fairy hive, many wee corpses, dusted in golden pollen, adds up to weight of single coin if somehow collected but of considerable magical potency
11. Hidden camera, cutting-edge 1960's technology
12. Upon close inspection stone walls turn out to be painstakingly molded, painted polystyrene


  1. "Stone!" *knocks on wall, produces hollow, wooden sound*
    (Red Dwarf outtake)

    I always wondered how the wandering monsters got around the dungeon...