Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Bumpkins of Evil

No one remembers why they made a town here.

1. Bachelor farmer: wears an evil sword, solitary for too long in isolated vale, speaks aloud to not-quite-visible swarms of evil spirits 24/7, they seem to answer or maybe that's just the wind, likes to cook pies, poison wells, abduct the odd lone traveler for a long, scary conversation
2. Travelling salesman acts as advance virgin scout for small town vampire w/particular tastes, hand cart loaded with grain sacks, hard tack, dried exotic fruits, pemmican, hand tools, goblin cocaine
3. Swamp-dwelling weirdo gone half-Gollum but with scads of friends (all amphibians), incredibly stealthy, hunts humans for sport, informs quarry of impending demise via beautifully written letter delivered by wide-mouth frog
4. Hunter-gatherers (of Evil) go about their routines, take time out to don terrifying devil masks for random acts of vandalism, murder, enhanced by nightly consumption of psychedelic liquor
5. Country doctor must murder two innocents for every life saved on his portable operating table
6. Escaped criminal from the big city feigns rusticity, lives alone in off-grid tiny house, receives shipments of imported wines, cheese from salesman (2, above), suspects all of being assassins, favors preemptive strike
7. Expert angler: towering legend in River Town, lands record lunkers like nothin', can't buy a drink, seduces spouses of fellow anglers w/swagger, impressive mustachio, secret bait: live fairies
8. Rustic in furs w/90% incomprehensible dialect of common tongue seems friendly enough until you figure out that he's talking about his contract with the Devil, can get you insider deal
9. Self-created zealot in filthy toga proselytizes relentlessly for religion she made up herself, involves much blood sacrifice/lewdness, bacchanalia scheduled for this Saturday, if no one shows up this time there will be hell to pay
10. Ex-local hero, former warrior gone to lard, never leaves tavern, despises foreigners with immeasurable passion, makes up rumors to incite whatever dim-witted crowds might be interested in hate crime
11. Fur-trapper had to strike terrible bargain w/forest cannibals for operational permissions: surrounding forest now loaded with man-traps of dungeon-style lethality
12. Pedestrian, crazed: he's walked this earth for untold years, maybe immortal, never sits down, barely slows down to bestow his curse (see subtable) then strides on

Curse of the Crazed Pedestrian
1. Everything tastes like iron rations
2. Release repulsive stench upon romantic arousal
3. Develop bunions that resemble campaign world celebrities
4. Followed by hideous bald ravens who squawk a lot
5. New allergy to gold: enter anaphylactic shock if gold w/in 5 feet
6. Sudden, inescapable urge to drop everything, begin from scratch new class/profession regardless of suitability


  1. Allergy to gold...that's a party crasher...

  2. "Release repulsive stench upon romantic arousal..."
    Yeah, that's nothing new fir my half-orc.