Tuesday, July 4, 2017

The Gods Must Be Jerks

The party cleric receives fresh instructions from Church High Command (delivered via dream, vision, automatic writing, temple courier, church circular, etc.).

1. New dietary restriction forbids the consumption of iron rations, hard tack, or any preserved comestible
2. Clergy forbidden to touch filthy money, theologians busy crafting work-arounds, until they meet w/success, time to hire porters
3. Afterlife cancelled, souls of the faithful to be kept in cosmic cold storage unit until required for next universe
4. After due consideration, human face deemed vulgar, cleric must hand-craft a mask for complete, permanent concealment of features modeled after grotesque visage of deity 
5. Corruption of clergy by wizard magic (including enchanted items) now forbidden, same goes for priestly magic cast by other faiths, only church-sanctioned proprietary protection from evil, etc may be enjoyed
6. New interpretation of god's plan indicates (totally reasonable) phasing out of humanity, sexual mores further restricted: iron underpants issued, reproduction forbidden
7. God no longer interested in this dimension, will be away for extended period, divine apprentice to act as interim deity, stand by for barrage of executive orders (roll 2 more times)
8. Scriptures edited/amended again: mostly trivial but orders issued to return to temple for re-education before end of fiscal year
9. New sensory organ distributed to clergy via automatic update: radar dish grows from pineal gland, vision declared deceptive/wicked, eyes offend, you know what to do
10. After colossal church-wide technical screw up, all clergy must go on all fours to demonstrate proper contrition for period of seven days starting now
11. Good news for once! Distinction between bludgeoning vs. stabbing always questionable, go ahead and spill blood after all, previous commandment rescinded, mace exchange program at all regional temples
12. More good news! Church High Command announces successful prototype of hand-held holy symbol launchers for long-range undead disruption, volunteers needed for field testing


  1. "vision declared deceptive/wicked, eyes offend, you know what to do"

    A+++, could not stop laughing.

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