Monday, July 3, 2017

Latest Scientific Breakthrough of the Subterranean Humanoids

"For the most part, I try to ignore their prayers, but on
occasion, if it gives me some amusement, I grant them
the opposite." -Xoltec, Spider God of Mt. Impossible

1. New dietary supplement* cultivates massive deposits of body fat, superhuman intelligence
2. Effects of all known potions can now be delivered via enchanted daggers (e.g., dagger of healing which cures wounds should target survive a successful hit)
3. Turns out clothing is number one factor in aging process, future bright for extremely long, totally nude lifespans
4. Cheap tin whistles key to controlling oozes, puddings, slimes, and jellies, certain pieces of sheet music now worth vast sums
5. Witches' ashes, when mixed into unguent w/radioactive powder harvested from crushed seeds of common undervegetable, imparts psychic powers when applied topically to exposed brain tissue, brain surgery techniques lag hopelessly behind the promise of this finding
6. Rare apple-shaped fungal caps delicious, only mildly intoxicating, incredibly addictive, the upper crust of subterranean society already lost to daily consumption
7. Giant subterranean worms, previously considered mindless, will perform complex mathematical computations reflexively when presented w/interesting problem, scrawl out equations on floors w/ hideous mouth parts, return immediately to compulsive tunneling
8. Novel combination of acupuncture techniques produce 100% effective mind control, research subjects both cheerful & obedient, report total satisfaction w/lives of total subservience 
9. Giant spider dung, when harvested from specimens conditioned to steady diet of fire bomb beetles, an easily detonated high explosive of stupendous efficacy
10. For some as-yet-unknown reason, exposure to sunlight imparts sanity upon the mad, lunacy upon the lucid, yet another reason to distrust, fear, and loath everything about the (horrible) surface world
11. According to a recent study, prayer does indeed work wonders, but only when one pleads (ad nauseam, another important finding) for the inverse of desired outcome
12. As it happens, certified idiots are capable of memorizing larger number of spells than geniuses, but require extensive guidance in their use (see entry 8, above)

*It's made of people

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