Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Really Very Bad Hirelings

For when the adventurers' fail to employ rigorous employee screening protocols. NPCs in the table appear as unremarkable hireling candidates at first glance.

1. Sandrill the Secret Serial Killer: passes self off as unskilled labor, contrives moment of privacy with party member who fits his profile (see subtable below)
2. Hagbath the Hateful: seethes with self-destructive resentment against adventuring class citing past atrocities, bides time as torchbearer until the party is half way across a rope bridge or similarly compromised
3. Yong-Tsuth, vaguely creepy guy who never says anything until the first significant treasure is recovered, then slowly smiles, revealing rows of shark-like teeth 
4. Tyrion, assassin from the future, sent to rub out the mighty PC warrior (or wizard, thief, war-priest, etc.) fated to trigger the disastrous Next Age of Dinosaurs, death ray projector secreted in sarong
5. Thungo, barbarian with dungeon-triggered psychosis, seeks to re-enter underworld against shaman's advice to face his demons head on, barbarian style; once below: totally bonkers
6. Dox the Dreadful: hollowed-out brain case occupied by crew of tiny parasitic aliens/demons, skull springs open if in grave danger, occupants bail out and attempt to flee
7. Suukor the Clandestine Cannibal: provides perfectly adequate service, cannot resist urge to feast upon human flesh but at least tries to be discrete about it.
8. Unbalanced Aluk: afflicted with earworm-induced vertigo, seems able until first set of stairs, slope, cliff or gradient, then just keeps falling down in increasingly spectacular ways
9. Sheerfy, short term memory loss suffering bearer: dutifully hauls goods/treasure, inevitably leaves something juicy behind after every break, melee
10. Huranth, megalomaniacal man-at-arms: waits for the perfect moment to announce ambitions, attempts to take command of party through rather charismatic speechifying, points out blunders of PC leadership, lampoons PC foibles, issues general mockery (you've earned this one, DM)
11. Turncoat Trantur: will attempt to change sides when faced with any superior force, including those who would kill him without a thought
12. Uurorion, seemingly typical ex-soldier, actually physical manifestation of deity conducting personal audit of PC worshipper/clergy conduct, miraculously survives incidents that leave fellow hirelings lifeless husks, renders suitably harsh judgement at adventure's end

Sandrill the Secret Serial Killer's Victim Profile
1. Savors the termination of those who represent the pure, strong and noble
2. Likes to take out the sketchy ones
3. Enthralled by retiring the greedy
4. Thrills to the death rattles of the holy
5. Thinks he gets to eat the escaping mana of the magical
6. Wants to expand his lucky hobbit's foot collection


  1. Damn cool. Nice job.

  2. My players need those for their next dungeon exploration!

  3. #10 is my favorite ...

    Also, some Sandrill ideas :)
    7. He tends to wear the elf ears for a while after harvest

    8. All he really needs is the dwarf teeth to fill in his missing ones, but they need to stop talking first so he doesn't get infected with their voices.

    9. Those clad in leather are mocking his great work ... a full suite made from "long pig" leather.

    10. The bossy ones need to be taken down a peg.

    11. The full moon will bath the skin of the one who must be culled! (the first night watch with a full moon is going to be messy).