So You Threw your Drink in the Barbarian's Face...

d12
1. After moment's silent pause, throws drink in your face, laughs mightily
2. No immediate effect, days later fur loincloth cleaning bill arrives via carrier raven
3. Grunts, wipes self, sees a clean patch of skin for the first time in many months, test-sniffs armpits, slips off for long-overdue bath
4. You have just initiated a mandatory drinking competition ending only w/near lethal alcohol poisoning
5. Barbarian leans back, hands behind head, smiling, secure in the knowledge that, according to tribal beliefs, you shall surely perish on your next dungeon expedition
6. You just proposed marriage to barbarian's youngest child (irrevocable)
7. Barbarian immediately leaves in abject humiliation, weeping slightly due to triggered childhood trauma
8. Picks up your smallest companion, proceeds to use as human towel
9. Utters terrifying war howl, beats self around face, neck, chest, kicks up a real froth going on at length, hoping you'll just run away, failing this, reluctantly attacks
10. Retrieves nearest keg, cask, barrel or bottle, proceeds to bludgeon you insensible
11. Raises small metal object to lips, soundlessly blows, previously unseen wolf appears to rip your throat out
12. Laughs, extends hand as if in congratulations for providing such amusement, then kicks you in the crotch while producing battle-axe w/head the size of a coffee table

Freelance Dungeon Missions: Higher Level

d12
1. Impersonate summoned zombie horde, stagger into depths, gain access to semi-indestructible necromancer's sanctum, exterminate unholy offspring, inject villain w/sterilizing serum to prevent future abominations
2. Seal chaos-breech detected on level 8, scroll containing Zzanzz's Hermetic Hyper-cube included, material component required: life-essences of 100 enemies of humankind, man-portable essence-extractor unit provided
3. Conquer deathtrap-filled hallway connecting dungeon level to unknown subterranean wilderness, 10,000 gp budget for project
4. Administer eldritch/chemical agent to dormant caldera on lava level, get the hell out, but not before locating and warning double agent lich, possibly polymorphed somewhere in the dungeon
5. Escort testy Imperial specialist VIPs to site of recent archaeological discovery on level 7, set up/maintain defensible perimeter for duration of dig, orders dictate they must not be stopped no matter how stupid their schemes appear
6. Serve notice to dragon of inheritance and noble title in Imperial Capitol City due to puzzling proviso in deceased aristocrat's final orders
7. Return cursed treasure stolen by previous adventurers to cache of gleeful underworld deity all set to begin new curse-free phase of existence
8. Find and secure subterranean route between known dungeons for strategic use, Imperial cartographer provided
9. Infiltrate Underworld cult as faux-lay members (arcane prophylactics against mind-control provided), determine threat level, gather intelligence for coming military intervention, discretely assassinate traitorous surface folk
10. Ambush and destroy dungeon expedition of regional hero now believed to be enemy of the state, en route to site of powerful relic on level 9
11. Deliver NPC, body loaded w/arcane explosives, transcosmic toxins, for sacrifice to The Famished God
12. Oversee/provide security for top secret corridor-widening project to free neutral dragon no longer able to leave chamber after decades-long growth spurt

Freelance Dungeon Missions: Mid-Level

d12
1. Locate, bargain w/uniquely colossal troll, believed sessile, fills entirety of chamber, for specimen of living flesh
2. Assassinate arms dealer in trade partnership w/Underworld forces while en route to subterranean shipping company HQ
3. Exchange tiny abomination incarcerated in enchanted vessel, captured familiar of dungeon sorcerer, for living brain of court vizier, embodied in earth golem's mass, currently under mental control
4. Spike shut all three doors leading to level four, monitor, do not release other adventurers trapped w/in no matter what they say
5. Release plague-infested fleas on dungeon level five, anti-flea garments provided
6. Enter crypts, festoon w/holy symbols of every conceivable stripe until its like Christmas morning in there, anoint w/variety of blessed oils, ignite plethora of incenses, re-seal until further notice
7. Enter crypts, introduce experimental new undead-eating predatory ape species, re-seal until further notice, must see to care and gruesome feeding of caged creatures until deployment
8. Make full study of dimensional anomaly detected on dungeon level four, one daring PC secret "volunteer" to cross inter-dimensional barrier and return, outcome to be determined THUSLY
9. Scatter lair w/items implicating undesirable cult/nation/organization, awaken ancient dragon, get the hell out
10. PCs made Imperial Notaries, proceed to vampire lair, obtain signature for divorce papers from unnamed aristocrat
11. Hew giant cables w/loaned enchanted ax, shut down power to evil dwarf foundry, steal specimen of new alloy
12. Annual Imperial Dungeon Graffiti Challenge

HORN-TOOTIN' BEYOND THIS POINT
Here's a Lulu coupon code for those interested in the book I'm selling (see image at top of left-hand column), good for 20% off your Lulu order (see image at top of left-hand column) until midnight of April 10:
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The Evil Sorcerer's Greatest Weakness

d12
1. Dedicated to Underworld booze (see Subtable below), has a stiff one at the customary hour then keeps right on having them, gets meaner as the night wears on, fiddles threateningly w/pair of live fireballs like Captain Queeg
2. Irresistible passion for wagering: deep debts to several dragons, must make saving throw to avoid juicy bets offered, maintains permanent dimensional gate to 1970's Las Vegas, solid gold 2d6 necklace gives luck bonus to sorcerer when 7-12 rolled in combat
3. Following recent personality breakthrough, maintains jam-packed social calendar, obsessed w/gaining and maintaining new acquaintances, retains personal dance instructor, eschews current evil spell research in favor of voluminous correspondence
4. Considers self grand gourmet, really packing on the extra lbs., so concerned w/freshness of ingredients has converted good portion of spell component garden to artisanal produce, lair infested w/dangerous yeasty pastry-oozes, wears chef hat emblazoned w/stars, planets
5. Adrenalin junky: forever dropping everything to scale tasty peaks w/no magical precautions, loves cliff diving, wears fake mustachio as regional chariot racing champion, habitually taunts gods/demons
6. The ladies/gents: maintains multiple relationships, several housed secretly in various areas of lair, always juggling, intruding adventurers secondary concern at best
7. Bad with money: great at manipulating underpinnings of reality, can't make a decent investment to save life, semi-indestructible trans-dimensional repo-men en route to lair
8. Compulsive hoarding: lair jam-packed w/teetering piles of collectibles/dubious impulse purchases, dead familiars buried under heaps of arcana/decaying trash, whole place stinks to high heaven, difficulty retaining staff
9. Extreme vanity: employs entourage of stylists, hair & makeup experts, tailors, designers of evil,  many weird enchanted mirrors throughout lair, several rooms in complex dedicated to wardrobe, collection of magical haberdashery
10. Total disregard for personal hygiene, combined w/deleterious physical effects of meddling w/forces beyond comprehension, very unpleasant personal aroma, teeth scattered about where they fell, streaked and torn wizardly raiment
11. Crippling assassination paranoia: spends preponderance of time concocting anti-assassination spells, charms, talismans, dismissed/wrongfully executed staff w/any talent,competence, prefers to be surrounded by trustworthy idiots, skeletons, zombies, extremely jumpy, trigger happy
12. Enfeebling lassitude: years of wrestling w/cosmic forces wear a body out, lacks strength to lift hand from side w/out powerful stimulants, hauled by servitors on travel couch, faints a lot

Underworld Booze Subtable
1d12
1-2. Cave Lightning straight from the home distillery
3-4. Coffin Varnish, brewed by trolls, temporarily arrests regeneration
5-6. Jolly, flavorless lichen ale, one must throw back continuous stream of the stuff to catch/maintain buzz
7-8. Pit juice on the rocks, collected from glands of demon magically chained to wall
9-10. Devil's Slough & soda, several cases in collection, according to markings over 10,000 years old
11-12. Hellwater, straight, 12 ounces of catoblepas milk chaser to minimize internal combustion

THE PLUGGERY BELOW
Here's a new Lulu coupon code, the kind you could use to purchase the book for sale on the upper left:
FM303
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When Two Sorcerers Love Each Other Very Much

Sorcerer's Offspring Table
d12
1. Levitating infant that spits up lightning bolts, skin glows within 20' of magic items
2. Two-headed chimera w/each parent's head, one breathes fire, the other emits blasts withering criticism
3. Huge, black stone-skinned manticore that has her mother's eyes
4. Child seems standard-issue until titanic growth spurt kicks in, approaches Godzilla-size by adulthood
5. Head replaced by unknown sensory array, 3 brains in chest cavity loaded w/psychic powers
6. Tyke has requisite talent, charisma, burning ambition to become World Autocrat, plans afoot by grammar school
7. Medusoid w/advanced aesthetic sense but little regard for human life, driven by need to create works of art for the ages featuring zillions of people turned to stone
8. Born as full-grown adult, head filled with contents of both parental spell books
9. Sea serpent of preternatural fecundity, escapes from parents at earliest opportunity for nearest body of water, immediately begins laying clutch after clutch of eggs
10. Bat-winged serpent w/father's smile, flammable blood disorder
11. Mist-child seems to dissipate immediately but actually congeals later into parricidal doppelganger
12. Duodecaplets

Emergency Underworld Set Pieces

d12
1. Magma-powered demon foundry w/open lava trenches, random steam venting, giant pipes and tubes, demons in mechanized work suits, enslaved super-dense core-dwarfs who go supernova when they die releasing hundreds of dwarf-spores
2. Lord of the Underswamp's fortress, built atop back of titanic amphibious whale, inert but vivified in times of great need, obeys fortress' ruler but only controllable w/unbroken concentration
3. Scale replica of campaign map in 5' hexes, phantasmal representations of evil forces deployed to play out nightmare scenario, wee armies reorganize to launch full scale assault on interlopers
4. Vast, treasure-strewn hall w/colossal disembodied human eye hovering at peak of arched ceiling of mirrors, reflected ocular beams blast friend or foe indiscriminately, multiple parties from variant time streams arrive for simultaneous looting
5. Dinosaur weighing station of the giant subterranean herdsmen, even after generations of husbandry dinosaurs remain only modestly domesticated
6. Sorcerer's lair carved out on, around, and between fossilized bones of cyclopean ur-dragon whose unfathomable consciousness splintered into many and varied spiritual manifestations both malevolent and benign
7. Subterranean dictator's bastion at heart of death-trap filled maze, currently besieged by two distinct evil factions in revolt, human wave tactics failing against fiendish traps, suffering massive casualties
8. Enormous chamber carved into lush welcoming facility for interdimensional arrival of blind idiot space god, towering chalice half-filled with requisite sacrificial fluids, billboard-size unholy symbols crafted from bones, hundreds of cultists in non-stop Busby Berkeley musical number w/bloodletting
9. Lowest level of dungeon a giant bowl-shaped chamber at the bottom of which is the Black Hole to the Eleventh Sphere, divided into concentric rings w/increasing gravitational pull towards center
10. Tumbling dodecahedron room with random gravity shift from plane to plane, meditation chamber of the Dungeon Overlord
11. Space-mad sorcerer's underground rocket propulsion laboratory: tanks loaded w/explosive fuels, proving ground w/ready-to-launch prototypes aimed at miles-long shafts, moth-balled manned-projectile launchers, experimental elevators of varied speed and power, mummified brains of past geniuses magically probed for insights
12.Active nesting site of enormous chthonic worms, half-stupefied brood-mothers lay coffin-size eggs by the hundreds, random hatching, drone-worms deposit heaps of half-dead prey for famished hatchlings, this is where you hide the really awesome treasure

Freelance Dungeon Missions: First Level

d12
1. Monitor, trap stirges to obtain fresh blood sample from troll in nearby chamber for sorcerer's use
2. Retrieve one particular zombie from necromancer's entourage, an ex-VIP, for possible resurrection
3. Locate, subdue dungeon rats (powder of stupefaction provided), release following installation of enchanted seeing-eye devices
4. Procure certain tome for Imperial Historical Society from excellent library of illiterate ogre partial to brandy, preposterous faux-intellectual discourse
5. Sneak in, introduce powerful psychedelic agent into dungeon well used by humanoids to loosen them up for arrival of prominent high priest w/company of acolytes on heavily-armed evangelical tour
6. Pose as warlock's new personal stylist, hangers-on from Imperial Capitol City, gain access to sanctum, make off with research notes, ruin hairdo
7. Seek, destroy weird dungeon unicorn of versatile fecundity, blamed for profusion of hybrid monsters in nearby wilderness, before it can propagate again
8. Make way to location of talking statue, pose series of carefully worded questions from sealed scroll provided by patron, collect riches in subsequently revealed secret treasury, patron just wants any rings
9. Provide stealthy reconnaissance of dungeon level, mark doors w/various colors of invisible paint to indicate contents (monster, monster & treasure, etc.), prepare way for band of more experienced delvers
10. Plant evidence of recent spate of political assassinations in doppelganger lair (as noted by prior expedition) get out before notable hero's staged discovery
11. Pacify, secure secondary entrance for use as escape route by more experienced, painfully superior group of adventurers embroiled in lucrative dungeon crawl
12. Scatter shrieker spores around complex, administer quick-grow potion, trigger shrieker chain reaction, several units of Imperial archers, infantry standing by outside dungeon entrance to annihilate evacuees

Cats of the Underworld

d12
1. Blind naked cave tigers, waving sensillae obscure vestigial eyespots, use powerful psychic influence to induce sentient beings to do their hunting for them while they loll around in their reeking holes
2. Vampire cats: lynx-size w/bat wings, no interest in human prey, swoop in on giant rats, drain them of blood, release them as vampire-rats who in turn bedevil adventurers
3. Goldfang the Great, legendary giant smilodon who stalks Underworld killing for sport, former pet of deceased sorcerer, involuntarily responds to set of commands in correct language, extra-long sabers actually only gilded, chipped, peeling, not as awesome a treasure as rumored
4. Amphibious pool-dwelling ambush cat, frog-like skin slicked w/paralytic slime, wait submerged for passersby to gain surprise, claw, claw, bite, drown
5. Sabreclaws, rear up on mighty haunches to rake with extensible claws like bundles of short swords, males fight strangely ritualized duels to decide territorial disputes, enjoy fencing w/swordsmen
6. Felis Domesticus Giganticus: wide variety of breeds cultivated by subterranean giants, gentle and loving, liable to pick up adventurers by scruff of neck and spirit off for well-meaning-but-still-damaging rasping tongue bath
7. Angler cat: dangles bioluminescent protuberance to attract giant subterranean moths, other prey, hideous oversize mouth, sometimes become fascinated with humans and light the way for a while
8. Huge war cats, highly intelligent, rhino-like natural armor plating, self-organize in militaristic hierarchy, conduct frequent drills, consume purple worms with relish
9. Monkey-like stalactite cats swing overhead on elongated prehensile tails of terrific strength, stalking stirges, hauling piercers out of their shells
10. Cyclops-cats: huge single eye transmits powerful psychic commands, prey literally surrender, turn themselves in for processing, decorate lairs w/shiny stuff taken from victims
11. Green jaguars of the fungal forest lair in mushroom cap hollows, single tube-like tentacle in place of mouth, covered in toadstools instead of fur, regenerate like trolls, prey upon slimes, puddings, oozes, and jellies
12. Vulture cats, grotesquely elongated bodies, long snaky necks and tapered heads ever-plastered w/gore, gather in wake of adventurers' explorations, take pains to remain just beyond vision but jealously attack if you search the bodies

Interdungeon Connectivity

For when you need The Stench-Pits Beneath Verbotenburg to be accessible from level eight of The Forbidden Laboratory Facility of Hazmax the Unstable

d12
1. Maze-like tunnels in constant state of flux burrowed by giant stone-ants cursed with perpetual gold fever by the earth gods, smell gold w/in 100', relentlessly pursue treasure laden adventurers, constantly loading random dungeon rooms w/debris in lieu of ant-hill
2. Sorcerer w/bio-mechanical mole machine and array of detection spells made trips from one juicy treasury to the next, leaving 10'round passages in wake, huge scorched zone where mech-mole finally blew up
3. Wicked iron-dwarfs tunnel up from below, install magma pipeline, extort tribute from dungeon powers-that-be with threats of molten doom, deep hub accesses several dungeons
4. Everyone knows colossal chthonic worms, compelled by the gods to forever circle the earth in subterranean orbit, often inadvertently chew connections between disparate dungeons, can't be stopped, worm-prediction sorcery, constant repairs just the cost of doing business
5. UFO materialized in evil wizard's lair on deep level instead of expected demon, used disintegration field to bore its way to freedom, but not before intersecting with nearby complex, disintegrating the Dungeon Overlord in the process, creating frantic power vacuum situation w/much backstabbery and preemptive striking among the factions
6. No one knows why the migratory laser-trolls blast their why from dungeon to dungeon, probably something to do with their complex reproductive cycle, too gross to contemplate
7. Very friendly giant sentient fish in mythic underground river willing to swallow adventurers, transport to adjacent dungeon, regurgitate, no payment required, they just love to do it
8. System of totally automatic superconductor-propelled subway cars link many known underworld sites, left over from earlier civilization, 65% of routes still in perfect working order, 35% lead to catastrophic plunge to earth's core or some such lethal end
9. Roots of mythic world tree penetrate several underground locales in their meanderings, retreat from sources of evil/eldritch unpleasantness, spiraling passages left behind
10. Looks like a 10' deep pit, false bottom opens into corkscrew chute that launches any who enter into an hours-long amusement park thrill ride terminating in neighboring dungeon's prison level, multiple saving throws required to avoid dizzy discombobulation w/severe vomiting
11. Monstrous Dungeon Overlord maintains permanent arcane gate between private chamber and well-appointed trysting place in other complex for hook-ups w/foxy gynosphynx
12. Adventurers encysted in adamant sphere, loaded into lava tube, outflow in lowest level of next-dungeon-over, evil dwarf pit crew at destination stand by to extract, collect other half of exorbitant fee


ALSO: be advised that the current coupon for Lulu gives a 20% discount to orders, like for instance The Dungeon Dozen book I'm hawking over there in the column at left. Enter WAFFLESAY20 on the Lulu checkout page to get the discount.

AND: Thank you to everyone who has ordered the book so far!

Inside the Titanic Bivalve Shell

d12
1. Miniature civilization of the intelligent lobsters, towers of carefully manipulated coral, cultivated fields of sea vegetation feed schools of domesticated fish, majestic compost heap where dead fish ferment subtly, security provided by mercenary squid w/polychromatic signal inks, vast bloated lobster queen lords over domain from spiral-shell tower
2. Subdivided into dungeonesque rooms, halls, corridors by aqua-dwarfs as depository for wealth, strong force of shock troopers on permanent watch on site, interior loaded w/deadly traps
3. Refurbished into merman dance hall complete with angler fish light show, variety of psycho-active toxins delivered via specialized stingray w/hypodermic barbs, strange sub-aqueous music provided by sea hag who plays trained puffer fish array
4. Lair of the amphibious dragon w/agoraphobia and his shipwreck collection arranged in tidy display
5. Vast swarms of harpoon-launching crab species warring w/giant scavenger sea-worms over rotting remains of titanic clam god, former occupant of shell, killed by rival deity after boasting of invulnerability, the more god-flesh they eat, the smarter they get
6. Coliseum seating installed, now active sea monster arena, operated by tribe of mermen ruled by money-hungry sea hag building expensive lair in surface wilderness area
7. Secret headquarters of wizard w/ring of kraken control, full of the monsters feeding, resting, awaiting orders, impressive houseboat in air pocket at top of shell, successful extortion racket along trade routes
8. Parliament of the Sea Demons meets here fortnightly, enacts legislation pertaining to inter-sea-faction trade, edicts enforced by extremely powerful Deep Fiend marshals, sea peoples lives in fear of surprise inspections, new and innovative taxes, impressment into armies of evil
9. Arcane bubble inside houses lair of mighty Sorcerer/Pirate Lord and crew in possession of U-boat stolen from 20th century earth
10. Heaped wreckage from entire ancient human city thought merely washed away by tsunami but actually dragged under by now-dead and decayed gigantic mollusk under orders from some forgotten god, golden treasures/other artifacts scattered about, thousands of bitter ghosts impotently dig through rubble for lost loved ones
11. Sea-god's home-away-from-home/swinging bachelor pad, usually occupied by variously hideous slacker demigods still living off the old man's largess
12. Colossal pseudopod of quite-alive occupant poised to instantly render any and all would-be invaders into hash

THIS BLOG HAD A BABY AND IT'S A BOOK

This is the cover folks.

 NOW ON SALE! 

• Available in hardcover and paperback editions
• 222 pages
• 200+ random tables (primarily from the first year or so of this blog)
• Chock full of black and white dungeon illustrations by Chris Brandt, John Larrey, Stefan Poag and myself
• TWO, count 'em, TWO indices for your convenience

Please proceed at once to Lulu.com by following the links below:

Swanky Hardcover Edition

Still-awesome Paperback Edition

I will also release a PDF edition once complete.

A Note:

My hope is to use the revenue from these books as a kind of Kickstarter (I elected to avoid inflicting one of those upon you kind people) to finance the production of future Dungeon Dozen volumes and other projects. To complete this book I had to rely upon the generosity of friends, I'd love to be able to pay for layout services on the next one. 

"We Search the Dead Ogre King's Body"

d12
1. Mostly depleted sack of elf-jerky, several keepsake braided dwarf-beards jammed in as well
2. Ruined lucky charm necklace of dessicated pixies strung on leather thong, tragically severed during battle w/adventurers
3. Pustule-control unguent in open jar, getting crusty, burns like hell, leaves skin free of unsightly blemishes, scorched, inflamed
4. Levitating cave remora attached to upper thigh, lashes out w/defensive sucker-bite if menaced
5. Jawbone of an Ass +1, fossilized: weapon of ancient mystic power, allows user to smite at thrice normal frequency in combat
6. Loin cloth of exquisite furs, marred slightly by crude stitchery, stinky
7. Coin purse crafted of tanned barbarian hide, loose change inside includes incredibly rare, ancient coin from pre-human civilization, highly sought after by collectors
8. Half-gallon of noxious hill giant repellent in sealed sheep's bladder
9. Sphere of polished lapis lazuli used as false eye, hard to get out
10. Pot of war balm, spread generously on chest, vapors enhance rage/hate
11. Fur belt pouch contains three nose ring options: one wrought of gold w/decorative tentacle array, another of silver w/devil face motif, the last a simple diamond nose-stud
12. Seven golden goblin skulls woven into towering hairdo, hopelessly entangled in gnarly ogre dreadlocks

"We Search the Lich's Body"

d12
1. Enchanted personal deodorizer in crystal spritz bottle, eliminates tough odors wherever applied
2. Anti-necrotic body balm in stoppered ceramic vial, maker's mark on bottom traceable to thought-trustworthy society of wizards in Imperial Capitol City
3. Hand-scrawled map w/directions to treasure cache in nearby mountaintop cave, guardians noted include bribed bat-winged dwarfs, continuous flow of oozes, slimes, puddings vomited up by intelligent giant mollusk
4.  Bag full of magically sustained living faces for disguise purposes, collection features missing regional noblesse, other celebrities, variety of inconspicuous types
5. Love letter from outer being, mortal reader's sanity imperiled by detailed, explicit descriptions of desired demi-material pleasures
6. High-collared black cape that flutters irregardless of breeze, ludicrous length, mirrors hand gestures for enhanced dramatic effect, knocks swords out of warriors' hands on a successful hit, acts as parachute at need
7. Pocket-sized portraits of variously eldritch offspring, large red X's drawn through those the lich was forced to exterminate
8. Satchel containing variety of signet rings collected from local potentates
9. Case holds syringe w/heroic dose of thought-stimulant, designed to be plunged through skull for direct application to pineal gland
10. Dragon bone bi-focal spectacles, grant microscopic/telescopic vision, generally worn forgotten on forehead
11.Fancy bento box w/self-cooling ensorcellment, loaded w/living-but-torpid tiny pixies bred for enhanced life-essence deliciousness in various sushi-like presentations, lightly pickled poisonous herbs, face-melting horseradish shavings
12. Key to safety deposit box in nearest branch of Imperial bank, contains phylactery

"We Search the Dead Emperor's Body"

d12
1. Aperture in raiment allows speedy deployment of dagger strapped to chest, automatically coated in deadly venom by enchanted sheath
2. Last will and testament, instructions for transition of power in the event of assassination, embossed in tiny print upon adamant amulet w/unbreakable chain
3. The most comfy pair of socks imaginable woven from the incredibly soft and dense chest fur of the recently missing Yeti Lama
4. Ceremonial toga w/emperor survival kit sewn into hem, includes food pellets, tiny evaporated cure-all potion flask, lip balm, matchstick-sized signal flare, fifth of bourbon in flexible tube, suicide pills 
5. Perforation-proof head-to-toe bodysuit, transparent
6. Key to secret library in palace containing filed reports of spy service agents, has the dirty on everyone of importance
7. Ring of Underling Control
8. Fake beard, moustache hidden in reversible undergarment
9. Lump under skin on ribcage: huge diamond emergency fund, surgical kit hidden in belt
10. Eyedropper filled w/distilled vital essences of 1000 children, single drop under tongue arrests aging process, heals wounds/afflictions, larger doses dangerous to lethal
11. Elaborate crown held fast by animate insect legs seemingly just part of baroque design, if forcible removal attempted central eye motif blasts out spell of instant death, 10' radius
12. Bejewelled ring w/button-triggered barb that administers dose of condensed potion of seduction

"We Search the Dead God's Body"

d12
1. Rune-inscribed satchel contains bones of god's progenitors, seethes w/mystic potency, manifold arcane uses, worth a fortune
2. Unfinished notes toward a new revelation, correlating the contents of which can lead only to madness
3. Wotan's Little Helpers: fist-sized Tablets of Virility, demi-material concoction lethal to humans at all but the tiniest dosage, subjects who survive initial shock develop range of super-powers for 1d12 days then burn out their systems, perish horribly
4. Personal log of romantic entanglements/conquests, text confirms/denies identities of numerous campaign world demigods
5. Invisible Circlet of Cosmic Awareness: melts human brains faster than you can say "Eureka!"
6. Sealed ichor specimen marked for delivery to Divine Physician
7. Huge ring set w/crystal ball, if gazed upon reveals mind-bending truths but viewer must make saving throw or become involuntarily enraptured, eschewing food and drink until unconsciousness/death sets in
8. Necklace made from teeth of the hydra, in gift-wrapped box, designated for some unspeakably hideous gorgon or other
9. Key ring of infinite keys, always seems to have the key you're looking for, requires god-like strength to lift, tethered to god's belt by the Retractable Cord Unbreakable
10. Crystal thumb drive loaded w/entirety of spells once available to dead god's clergy, several experimental new enchantments for beta testing
11. Scintillant Undergarments of Protection, woven from the golden fur of the Sky Chinchilla, insanely comfortable, filth-proof, provides bonus against attacks, if donned by mortal may never be removed
12. Divine Lice, aggressive

Encounters in Dinosaur Country

d12
1. Highly intelligent rat-like mammals offer food, shelter in vast network of tunnels, attempt to recruit adventurers to anti-dinosaur insurgency, operatives needed for dino egg destruction missions
2. Wounded messenger pteranodon takes nutrition in river, for the moment unable to resume flight to nearest citadel, leg-bags heavily laden w/correspondence scrolls detailing findings of sorcerer on extended survey of region's flora and fauna, many strange and terrible revelations
3. Paleo-dwarf dealers in local products (saurian repellent, viable eggs, lightly enchanted obsidian projectile points, dino-leather goods, etc.) move cautiously by day, hunker down beneath spiny lean-tos by night
4. Longship crew of Vikings minus recently devoured chief and bravest thanes whose paltry remains still smoulder in distant pyre, can't shake off effects of involuntary trans-dimensional transfer, craft long-hafted polearms, scramble for other anti-dinosaur defenses using found materials but lack good ideas, cry out to Odin & Co. for salvation
5. Diplodocus-riding hill giant knights in glistening gray dino-plate mail joust to the death, winner claims only available lady in waiting, a hideous prize eight feet taller than either combatant, twice as powerful, leans on apatosaurus femur club awaiting outcome
6. Ankylosaur hit squad act in concert to hunt down and overwhelm predators (or other perceived threats such as adventurers) in prolonged pre-emptive strike to make lands safe for herbivores, leave a bloody trail of bashed and stomped out saurians in their wake
7. Famous sorcerers from all corners of the campaign world arrive and depart w/surprising frequency, seek and obtain obscure paleo-botanical spell components, occasionally stop one another for exchange of information and/or final accounting of old rivalries in lethal dual
8. Vast flocks of compsognathuses majestically surge over the plains like flightless migratory birds or schools of fish, bamboozling larger predators with hypnotic patterns of movement, fall upon huge prey animals like piranha
9. Golden skinned humanoids in black togas, space helmets occasionally rise from beneath the earth in impenetrable transparent spheres, passively observe events w/out even the slightest sympathy for the plight of anyone especially adventurers
10. Wise and noble carnosaur clan exploit and control herds of herbivores shepherd-like, show beginnings of material culture, build great mounds, erect standing stones for inscrutable religious reasons, communicate simple messages telepathically
11. Rich nobles from nearest big city get their kicks on high-budget big game hunt w/gaggle of barbarian guides and personal staff, specially crafted wheeled ballistae launch poisoned bolts, reeking colognes, cooking fires, obnoxious behavior telegraph position to all and sundry, half drunk by lunchtime, a disaster waiting to happen
12. Handful of gore-spattered steampunk types, miles from crash site of dirigible disabled by inter-planar chaos storm, pursued by predators and picked off one by one, stupefied by trauma, goggles shattered and askew, haberdashery shredded, clockwork doodads useless, leather breeches breached, trench coats truncated, plead for assistance through haze of bitter tears

In the Abandoned Watchtower

d12
1. Amorphous demi-material entity shunted in from adjacent dimension fills entirety of tower, uses stone structure for protection as per hermit crab, demands aid for return to home telepathically but due to hopeless language barrier just projects incomprehensible nightmares/hallucinations into fragile human minds
2. Giant beehive, floors subdivided into hexagonal cells, queen occupies vault below, worker bees swarm, kill any creatures nearby, masticate and dump near tower to fertilize surrounding garden of immense, preternaturally beautiful blooms
3. Ghosts of long-dead former occupants remain vigilant, send off incorporeal riders w/reports to extinct city-state, unaware of current condition, offer lodging to travelling adventurers, pantry items past sell-by date
4. Magical seal applied ages ago in desperation during disastrous siege proved watertight, tower and dungeon beneath gradually filled w/rainwater, developed self-contained ecosystem featuring squid-like aqueous fungi of dim but measurable intellect, piranha-men locked in Darwinian struggle
5. Retrofitted into inn and hostel for creatures of evil, echoes of unsavory dance music emanate forth into the wee hours, troll bouncers, witch proprietor, bitter humanoids turned away at door plot vengeance
6. Occluded by accumulation of giant spider webs, colony surges forth in scrambling waves for nightly hunt, once-abundant prey in surrounding lands now depleted, increasing number of mysteriously depopulated villages in region
7. Nesting site for flock of undead vultures, hunker down during daylight, search for carrion by night guided by red searchlight beams from empty eye sockets
8. Extremely large giant tore off roofing, uses as personal rubbish bin, filled w/partially chewed knights, large sacks of bones, broken clubs, vast soiled/hopelessly threadbare garments, stolen goods and items too small for giant's use, smashed spitefully
9. Colossal serpent in deep torpor coils within, bloated mass occupies most of the interior, rouses from slumber if exposed to sunlight by opening doors, shutters, first act upon awakening: projectile vomits half-digested tribe of humanoids
10. Gustus Greengills and his band of Jolly Banditos moved in a while back, utilize secret tunnel entrance exclusively, allied necromancer provides permanent obscuring fog, zombie/skeleton platoon to throw off local constabulary by giving appearance of active haunting
11. Evil dwarf engineers conduct preliminary testing of new siege weapons (black powder-charged battering pistons, giant grappling hook launcher/winch apparatus for pulling down walls, etc.), feeble but active resistance provided by debased humanoids sheltering within, exceedingly rare/terrible peals of dwarf laughter resound throughout area
12. Sorcerers gather for annual conclave, await arrival of keynote speaker from alien plane, actually entity planning to consume attendees, process and extrude them as single titanic super-sorcerer capable of world-wide conquest to precede annexation from beyond

Ambush on the Road in Humanoid Country

d12
1. Headhunters w/blowguns, nerve toxin-tipped darts, special decapitating shamshirs, conceal themselves en masse under dirt in roadside ditch, desperate to meet monthly head quota or face unspeakable hardships from their merciless deity, will attempt to parlay w/powerful party for a reasonable percentage of available heads
2. Cube of magical darkness created by shaman sticks out like sore thumb during daylight hours but hides unexpected number of diminutive assailants forming humanoid pyramid
3. Cliff-jumping cannibals launch daring daytime bungee attack to secure daily supply of man-flesh, sproing back to cliff top with speared victims
4. Humanoid big game hunters lurk behind obscuring wall of foliage, waiting for prey but more than happy to provide lethal surprise for travelling adventurers, surrounding area doused liberally w/harvested megafauna stench-gland concentrate, just walking through the stuff creates possibility of attracting unwanted amorous monster attention
5. Squad of berserks dispatched to intercept band of rival humanoids but unable to suppress pent up war-enthusiasm, give away off-road position w/savage, if premature, chimp-like shrieks of aggression
6. Dapper highwaymanoids demand treasure but not overly greedy/bloodthirsty, would be satisfied by sufficiently fabulous garments, shiny trinkets they could add to their personal displays
7. Primitive trebuchet atop roadside hill launches platoon of winged humanoids armed w/lances towards potential victims at astonishing velocity
8. Talented mimic calls out for aid in aristocratic voice/dialect, leads potential rescuers towards huge concealed net on ground manned by murderous cohorts
9. Heavily armed humanoids lie around the road in convincing scene of faux-slaughter aided by buckets of fake blood, stage weapons, artificial limbs acquired from massacred travelling theatre troop
10. Human operator of large ox-driven wagon actually dead, manipulated muppet-like by scads of humanoids hiding under tarpaulin
11. Roadside shrine featuring large statue of patron god of travellers: hollowed out, riddled with murder holes, cult fanatics within only attack if passersby fail to make suitable offering
12. Wee humanoids disguised as school children lost in the wilderness, convincing until you get up close and notice their masks of real human face-leather

That's a Weird Place for a Town

d12
1. On the back of  titanic, incredibly slow-moving snake-like reptile en route to legendary breeding ground of world serpents, prophesied to arrive around turn of the next millennium
2. Built into walls of antediluvian coliseum discovered by sea-raiders on recently risen island, now site of bustling pirate's market
3. On stilts above cursed cemetery of the ancients, agents dispatched to harvest inexhaustible supply of relics, processed to remove lingering curses/any evidence of provenance, new coinage minted for trade
4. Atop highest mountain peak, occupied by diminutive goat-riders awaiting messianic return of sky god
5. Built around colossal skeleton of forgotten titan, ribcage houses public square, market place, skull retrofitted into residence of royal families
6. Expert giant bat-wranglers maintain community hanging from ceiling of enormous cave, 1001 uses for guano
7. On top of seemingly abandoned gigantic UFO hovering fifty feet off the ground, ingenious drawbridge-like staircases lowered to authorized visitors, residents lower rope-ladders for personal use
8. Under invisible dome of unknown origin, gate built to seal single gaping crack at base, water bubbles up miraculously from ancient springs, semi-permeable dome provides greenhouse-like effect for farming, essentially siege-proof
9. In the protective mouth of the Great Toad Mother in Bottomless Fen, surfaces and opens up on request of Theocrat, entire population cult fanatics (naturally), extort offerings from nearby cities
10. On uppermost surface of geologically-impossible Lonely Plateau, accessible only by navigating heavily-trapped maze of tunnels
11. On asbestos disk suspended above volcanic vents by single hot air balloon, changes elevation, position at need, extract rare elements from cauldrons below w/long instruments, expert metallurgists hold exclusive supply contracts w/dwarfs
12.  Spectacular iceberg town boasts amazing ice/whalebone-architecture in constant state of flux, maintained by whale-hunters commanded to settle by ice gods, will one day meander south to holy site of apocalypse, illuminated by spermaceti-fueled lamps

Effects of Passing Through The Dimensional Breach

d12
1. Lose all faith in current religion, slip into nihilistic depression (or become fanatic convert to most convenient/familiar faith if atheist)
2. Eyes leave moorings on elongated, fully prehensile, muscle-sheathed optic nerves, google around ludicrously for duration of interplanar sojourn, strong enough to hold dagger in a pinch
3. Surrounded at all times by distracting visual, auditory hallucinations of tiny winged monkeys, restful sleep out of the question  
4. Downgraded several steps below current position on evolutionary ladder, brow ridge protrudes, uptick in body hair, speak only as Hollywood Frankenstein/Tarzan, forget how to use complex devices/spells
5. New sensory organ like miniature radar dish erupts from crown, begins spinning, roll for new stat: Extra-Dimensional Perception
6. Skull softens, becomes pliable, fore brain swells grotesquely, IQ spikes but ideas frequently terrible, immediately shrinks down upon return but must wear snug helmet forevermore
7. Become convinced that everyone back in home dimension must be secret vampires
8. Lungs force their way out mouth for proper respiration, get all leathery, speech still works but sure sounds unpleasant
9. Permanent metabolic shift (50% gain weight at alarming rate despite sensible diet/exercise regimen, 50% must eat like a shrew and still shrink down to emaciated bare minimum in constant danger of starvation)
10. Transdimensional intoxication as per heavy drinking (1 in 6 chance per hour of passing out), companions must save or deface subject w/obscene graffiti
11. No immediate effect but upon return gold = lethal poison
12. Incontinence

It Came Through The Dimensional Breach

d12.
1. Colossal space-hive loaded w/spectral bees who harvest souls of the living then condense them into super-potent mind-expanding honeys and royal jellies capable of raising the dead
2. Sentient comet looking to complete its life cycle in cataclysmic planet-fall, interior loaded with spores that begin tunneling into mountains/bedrock/ocean bottom, growing rapidly
3. Victorious army of the dinosaurians, having finally conquered an alien dimension after millions of years of struggle, led by Her Serene Majesty the super-genius diplodocus w/eleven heads
4. Small band of immensely powerful beings in outlandish spandex outfits, searching for McGuffin of enormous value to the campaign world, highly resistant to physical force but vulnerable to even the humblest magic
5. Formless mass of incalculable immensity, starting to take shape undeniably similar to the grandest metropolis on the campaign world
6. Flopping lung-like appendages of unknown entity on other side of breach, calamitous respiration beginning to convert atmosphere to undesirable new configuration
7. Giant creeping vines loaded abundantly w/nutritious berries of great variety immediately overtake the region, spreading with alarming speed, world hunger problems seemingly at an end
8. Dirigible operated by cabal of semi-human explorer-wizards searching out worlds suitable for colonization, must refuel engines with magic-absorbing ramscoop, temporarily rendering all spells null and void  
9. Entire ocean's worth of viscous fluid erupts causing massive flooding, followed shortly thereafter by fleet of water beetle-like warships and their utterly confused pirate occupants
10. Giant hand outstretched palm-up accompanied by booming voice demanding speedy delivery of all the kingdom's golden treasures, if refused massive fist shall appear to smash castles, shatter fortifications
11. Destructive jet of super-heated gas precedes arrival of sun-dwellers in cold-proof suits, knocked off course by blind idiot space god, out of dimension-hopping power, must find means of reaching the sun to save it from an unknown solar malady
12. Godzilla-size astronaut staggers forth, stumbles, falls upon Imperial Capitol City, issues dire warning in incomprehensible tongue, succumbs to infestation of giant worm-like parasites now denied a suitable host but willing to improvise

Also Removed by the Remove Curse Spell

"Yes, I believe I can undo the witch's baleful incantation, but I must warn you that some patients experience one or more of the following side-effects..."

If a saving throw is failed, roll 1d4-1 to determine number of side effects, re-roll repeats or irrelevant results.
d12
1. All knowledge of financial affairs, past and present, including current contents of purse
2. Self-confidence, leaving behind a doubt-wracked wretch, patient companions must drag subject to any further adventures
3. Random skill, talent, or ability, becomes impossible to relearn
4. Vision in one eye, hearing in one ear, use of one nostril, feeling on one side of body, ability to taste saltiness/sweetness, leaving only bitterness/sourness, umami unaffected for some reason
5. Love for one's fellow mammals, victim seeks out comfort among the bugs, reptiles and fishes
6. The ability to form and communicate a coherent sentence under stress, i.e. "Go check the door for traps!" becomes "Go dogfish in the banana patch!"
7. Sense of humor, leaving a rigid literal interpretation of everything in its wake
8. Teeth, can be fashioned into interesting necklace for a small additional fee
9. Any remaining dedication to honor and nation, must make saving throw to avoid shouting treasonous remarks when in proximity to authority figures
10. Tolerance to alcohol, subject becomes a one-drink drunk
11. Personal charm, if any, also permanently erases any tattoos, closes piercings, screws up hairdo for life 
12. The will to wear pants

What's Up with These Giant Rats?

d12
1. Able to spring frog-like up to thirty feet, glide on webbing between front and back legs as flying squirrel
2. Walk on walls and ceiling as spiders, eight eyes, saliva causes necrotic wound
3. Projectile vomit disease-laden bile in twenty foot arc once per day, but must go lie down afterward
4. Hairless, extra-hideous, hive mind, form great rolling rat balls capable of smashing through dungeon doors
5. Can speak the common tongue but only say things a rat might think plus obscene insults
6. Bipedal, dress in hobbit-like gear, smoke pipes, good with slings and darts, craft lethal anti-humanoid traps
7. Obscured by visible swarms of huge mutant flesh-eating bacteria
8. Pick pockets as master thieves, skitter off w/the shiniest available items, deep warren chamber a remarkable treasure trove accessible only by rat holes
9. Actually really cute and adorable, or maybe that's just their mind-control pheromones
10. Act as watch dogs for hostile dungeon population, flee from all encounters to alert masters, get treats but will betray trainers for anyone w/special treats
11. Instantly extrude a litter of fast-growing ratlings every time they eat an adventurer 
12. Long, spiky bright orange and purple fur, preceded by acrid stench, literally dripping with neurotoxin from hyperactive poison glands, utterly fearless

The Evil Sorcerer's Alter Ego

d12
1. As half-naked torchbearer, spell components secreted in loin cloth, reveals true nature w/pyrotechnic effects, peals of wicked laughter only when object of desire located by adventurers
2. In disguise as visiting high official of respectable local cult sent by home office to catalogue and facilitate return of cult treasures to far off temple for study
3. Never quit day job as Imperial Librarian, accumulates personal library of forbidden texts back at home, replaces originals with fakes full of disinformation cranked out by small army of imp-scribes
4. Pretends to be Evil Deity, frequently descends from the heavens, cloaked by cascading polymorph spells to inspire awe, bewilderment, issues very specific and ever-changing sacrificial requirements always accompanied by half-cogent philosophical screed, cult still modest but growing steadily
5. Lowly thief looking to join the adventuring parties, simulates thiefly responsibilities w/carefully chosen spells, mutters incantations in "thieves' cant", charms the beefiest warrior as personal meat shield, makes off w/choicest treasures
6. Faux-lich: excellent team of makeup artists, maintains lair in prominent dungeon, plays factions off one another, fakes lengthy periods of entombment to attend to surface-world business
7. Assumes likeness of thought-lost heir w/elaborate semi-plausible explanation for disappearance, designs on throne require services of adventurers, multiple seemingly justifiable assassinations
8. As salty old sea-dog spewing continuous stream of ludicrous pirate patois, ostensible captain of trading vessel, offers adventurers passage in exchange for small favor to be followed by ruthless abandonment-at-sea
9. Idle inheritor of vast fortune: famously obsessed collector of rare antiquities, always on the look out for acquisitions specialists, offers generous finder's fee, ensorcels, imprisons successful agents for scientific experiment
10. Soaks down glitterati for all they're worth in guise of health food guru/anti-aging specialist, utterly genuine in fanatical pursuit of the latest and greatest vitality-enhancing regimens
11. Poses as hyper-competent freelance spy/assassin for regional political powers willing to spend outrageous sums to secure services, feeds them half-truths designed to create perpetual tumult
12. Enjoys frequent mind-exchange to body of dashing, refined personal valet, while valet's consciousness puts sorcerer's body through taxing work-out regimen

On a Successful Check for a Nonexistent Secret Door

d12
1. Notice tiny, highly insulting graffiti where wall meets floor
2. Discover concealed mouse-hole leading to network of mouse-tunnels that ultimately intersect in vault containing fabulous Lint-Palace of the Demi-Mouse
3. Barely perceptible crack in wall contains perpetual illusion of steamy gymnasium shower room scene
4. Beneath loose flagstone: wicked humanoid's secret collection of prurient engravings of evil
5. Thumb-size hole contains flying leech eggs, explosive hatching triggered by proximate body heat
6. Sliding panel reveals secret booze-stash of besotted wandering monster w/secret shame
7. Behind rock: sickening, overwrought love letter from aristocratic teenybopper to unknown vampire hottie, vial of virgin blood reeking of perfume
8. Section of wall swivels in slightly, stench pours out, must be where the local serial killer hides his victims until dried up and ready for unholy mummification ritual
9. Stuffed in a crack: wandering monster's spare set of dungeon keys
10. Find smashed, abandoned dungeon fairy hive, many wee corpses, dusted in golden pollen, adds up to weight of single coin if somehow collected but of considerable magical potency
11. Hidden camera, cutting-edge 1960's technology
12. Upon close inspection stone walls turn out to be painstakingly molded, painted polystyrene

Expensive Hirelings

These unique experts require exorbitant sums (left to referee's fiscal policies) to retain but may be well worth it. Strict labor standards forbid them from combat but most will carry torches/treasure for a nominal additional fee.

d12
1. Pitfinder General: wizened ex-fighter in padded wheelchair w/uncanny knack for finding/falling into/somehow surviving pitfalls, solid chance of sixth-sensing other traps as well
2. Imperial underworld surveyor: expert cartographer provides accurate maps of explorations, under orders to report treasures found to Dept. of Revenue but always open to generous bribes
3. Professional volunteer: desperate gambler w/host of lethal collections agents on trail, addicted to pressing luck in questionable circumstances, stands by until needed, bargains for services on case-by-case basis
4. Monster's best friend: repulsive to humans but nigh-irresistibly charismatic to unsavory subhuman types, ogres and giants find him especially amusing
5. Muscle-fists: hands nearly size of head, dislikes carrying treasure but can't be beat for ripping doors off hinges, bending bars, lifting portcullises, etc.
6. Disembodied wizard head no longer able to cast spells but due to irreversible arcane brain damage can intuit translation of any language, comes w/headless zombie porter
7. Professional point man: full-body fungal infection protects from/absorbs/regenerates most damage, lacks any other skills, about as bright as average fungus
8. Human bloodhound: huge nostrils, able to acquire/interpret olfactory information w/astounding skill, smells a bit himself
9. Certified treasure arbitrator: parties w/in-fighting problems might wish to avail themselves of services, offers dead-on assessment, suggests optimal divisions, keeps books, embezzles near-undetectably
10. Ironguts: former imperial food taster able to discern this from that w/no ill effects, 1 in 6 chance of sudden death each day from cumulative effects of innumerable poisonings
11. Bat Ears: turned to bat by witch, reversal semi-successful, hears right through doors, around corners, emits damaging high-frequency shriek if rattled, eats bugs
12. Goldeater: burly mutant with ability to store/retrieve surprising quantities of treasure in digestive tract when discretion is prudent

Also in the Mad Wizard's Menagerie

d12
1. Glass dome containing mated pair of hovering jellyfish with human mouths, capable of startling mimicry, otherwise sing unfathomable chanteys in two-part harmony
2. Furry iguana-like reptile in refrigerated snow globe w/notepad and stylus, reads and writes several languages, over series of notes re: rescue from wizard makes claim of innate cartographic mastery
3. Disembodied brain in vat no longer remembers former identity, uses telepathy to request speedy termination
4. Still-defiant Yuri Gagarin in tattered spacesuit in lush habitarium, chained to wall, beaten half to death, depressed human female, latest attempted breeding partner, also present
5. Tank filled with tiny starfish-like creatures swarming around miniature rocket-shaped building project, beings consume gravel substrate of tank, extrude needed parts, still require human adrenal glands for fuel
6. Magical zero gravity sphere houses hive of void bees whose hypnotic movements enhance human intelligence if viewed for prolonged period
7. Cage, appointed stylishly, detains seemingly motionless body of world's oldest lich, conscious on couch, alert but no longer able to do anything but slowly desiccate
8. Just a cute little mouse in a terrarium that periodically vomits up a massive black pudding, automatic suction tubes swoop in to incarcerate puddings in huge sub-surface tank
9. The eldest dwarf, a literal living fossil almost entirely mineral now, sits unrestrained in open display, occasionally muttering history lessons in outrageous accent
10. Phosphorescent vapor-being, native to distant gas giant, can transmute matter on molecular level but requires fresh soul-stuff as nourishment
11. Completely friendly owlbear on long chain will forcibly (if lovingly) attempt beak-to-mouth feeding of passersby w/half-digested chow from nightmarish slough-trough
12. Goose that lays high explosive eggs

Weird Giant Generator

For use if inclined to generate weird giants. Roll once on each table, purée results into suitable menace.

Table One: Head
d12
1. Great bulgy eyes, ever googling, telescopic/microscopic vision, squints to perceive events in several dimensions/heavenly realms, offers occasional unsolicited reports
2. Huge bat ears, detects butterfly wing flapping on adjacent continent
3. Jaws work sideways, insect style, but otherwise human, speaks well, very inquisitive
4. Saber-toothed Neanderthal
5. Monocular, multiply horned, shark-like teeth
6. Like Max Schreck as Nosferatu
7. Quite stunning example of human-like beauty, fabulous hairdo, black eyes filled with stars
8. Tyrannosaurus head
9. Protruding rodent buck teeth, can chew through most anything at terrifying rate
10. Hideous mosquito head, harpoon-shaped proboscis, blood drain attack
11. Only burning eyes visible through shaggy caveman hairdo, incredible beard hosts complete ecosystem
12. Tremendous gaping but disturbingly toothless mouth swallows whole, emits stone-shattering hollers heard 'round the world

Table Two: Body type/size
d12
1. 30' in height, impossibly spindly as normal human stretched skyward by pitiless deities, astonishing strength and flexibility
2. 12' tall, nude w/smattering of woad, rippling with steely muscles from head to toe, veins writhe about visibly, savagely bites own hand to enter utterly berserk combat frenzy
3. Like a bipedal woolly mammoth w/opposable thumbs
4. Human proportions but 20' tall, clad in impeccably tailored finery on the bleeding edge of style
5. Bloated and swollen as if about to burst, 17' tall, naked but for custom skull codpiece
6. 36' of naked, green-glowing skeleton
7. 12' Frankensteinian w/huge heavy heeled boots, ill-fitting sport coat, stagger-lopes at surprising speed
8. 35' tall, 4 arms, 4 legs, roll for additional head
9. 18' clad all in found ironmongery fashioned of bits of armor, shields gathered from fallen foes
10. 99' of sickly, emaciated form draped in hospital gown stained grotesquely
11. Like a hairless 25' gorilla in a chainmail speedo
12. 40' tall Andre the Giant at peak of muttonchop period

Table Three: Additional oddity
d12
1. Survived crash landing of colossal UFO in polar reaches but brain damaged/gone feral
2. Literally thunderous footfall an innate magical special effect
3. 2d12 personalities vying for control
4. Cursed to wander from city to city begging for alms between destructive sprees
5. Involuntarily howls obscenities so you always know when he's coming
6. Terrified of small dogs for some reason, screams like proverbial school girl, assumes fetal position, whimpers pathetically
7. Unable to control lust for golden treasure the sight of which triggers childlike fascination, readily manipulable
8. Believes self to be incarnation of primal god of wrath, demands immediate fealty, works hard to maintain semi-permanent state of fury
9. Demi-material, 50% resistant to physical attacks, able to disintegrate/reintegrate in new location at will once daily
10. Automatic mind control: standard giant types, generally travels with motley crew (2d12 mixed giants)
11. Must constantly feed as shrew, carries huge reeking feedbag of various dead things
12. Swells to even grosser immensity if angered following brief, agonizing transformation period

Encounters on the Veldt

d12
1. Nomadic clan of humans w/20' extensible/retractable necks: live rough in the bush, armed with stone-tipped pikes, javelins, clad in red togas, sleep in shifts behind manned pike-wall, do not hunt but "borrow" blood and milk from giant mammals for sustenance
2. Lion-sized saber-toothed prairie dogs, construct massive house-mounds connected by miles of tunnels, engineer ambush tunnels to take prey, protect territory ferociously
3. Trade caravan hauling fruits of civilization, led by famous war hero/ex-dungeoneer, old drunken lout but still high level, giant wagons feature palisade walls bristling w/ballistae, 50 crossbowmen
4. Towering bison men tote titan-bone clubs, tend the herds, plot migratory patterns, speak common tongue haltingly but w/intensity of purpose
5. Bald, turf-eating titanotheres drool strong digestive acids, tend to stomp out bipeds as a preventative measure
6. The Colossal Pachyderm, immortal, all-knowing, trumpets out nightly prophecy, great ivory tusks said to molt every century or so, could be any time now
7. Speed-burrowing gopher-men pay a bounty in uncut diamonds for saber-toothed prairie dog heads
8. Hostile spirits w/huge grotesque heads scamper, dance atop the tall grass, call thunder from the clouds to set the rhythm, improvised lyrics viciously satirize adventurers
 9. Herd of tiny deer w/highly developed intellects only speak in numbers, automatically perform any calculation mentioned in presence, take great collective pride in eluding predators w/ruses of ever increasing complexity
10. Sessile but totally impervious Tortoise Lord, half-buried in mountain of sediment, issues great gouts of fire-breath capable of destroying targets several hexes away if convinced of its necessity
11. Ghost tyrannosaur stalks its ancient hunting grounds, delights in scaring hell out of intruders, capable of deadly demi-material manifestation only in proximity to clutch of fossilized eggs
12. Slaver birds, archaeopteryx-like but capable of hauling off human-sized creatures, take captives back to nest for period of terrible Skinnerian re-education then sell broken souls to pitiless traders

A Rumor of Dungeons

d12
1. Vast, yeti ghost-haunted cavern covered in obscene cave paintings allows access to Underworld via mystic doorway that must be constructed of enshrined cave bear skulls
2. Active ooze hive festers under the city, empties into nearby river/lake/sea, visited by famous sorcerer who departed atop perfectly obedient colossal pudding-steed
3. Death row convicts attempting escape tunnelled into unknown chamber, their dessicated corpses appeared on the courthouse steps at daybreak
4. Reasonably sane captain of the watch insists silver hatch appears beneath city wall only when in direct light of full moon, swears invisible things come out
5. Cult membership of the God of Plenty make fortnightly journey to underground complex in adjacent wilderness under the cover of night, never speak of it to outsiders
6. Unpleasant music emanates from farmer's recently dug well
7. Prince's pyramid project halted by lack of shipments from new quarry, trusted captain dispatched to investigate w/soldiery, not a peep
8. Sorcerer's griffin-borne aerial survey detects huge, ornately camouflaged mountain top chimney spewing forth weird gases
9. Rocket-shaped wizard's tower takes off, sub-surface floors left unattended, someone should at least strip the plumbing
10. Dragon moved in to proximate cavern not to plague the land in fulfillment of dire prophecy as is the prevailing wisdom, but rather to jealously guard secret entrance to antediluvian culture's treasure vaults
11. The Fetid Sewers of the Ancients drain into another world
12. War-gangs of ogres and mixed-humanoid lackeys loot frontier towns seemingly emboldened by smart attire, beautifully crafted garments/armor, chaotic evil chic, shields emblazoned with device of  the Tailor Below

Frozen in the Giant Block of Ice

d12
1. Severed head of monarch still believed to reign over nearby realm, gleaming crown included 
2. Indescribably beautiful corpse of human ancestor provides definitive proof of devolution, arms and armor of dazzling craftsmanship still in mint condish
3. Ancient vampire imprisoned by mythic heroes of the previous age: spent countless centuries perfecting delicious scheme of vengeance upon humanity, will immediately launch stage one the moment some idiot thaws her out
4. Huge, self-luminous apple: bestows god-like intelligence and/or fatal brain hemorrhage w/a single bite
5. Demigod still sleeping off epic bacchanal: encased in ice by trickster deity, incapacitated by equally epic hangover if freed
6. Massive diamond: actually a disembodied demon brain, subtle mind-control powers target the weak up to fifty feet away
7. Hapless missionaries of particularly obnoxious sect, thrown overboard in icy seas, divine intervention denied at the crucial moment, plenty of informative tracts, no treasure
8. Water elemental criminal mastermind: indistinguishable from surrounding ice but sorcerer patsy sticks out like sore thumb w/that bejewelled girdle, stylish low cut tunic reveals exceptionally hairy chest festooned w/ensorcelled amulets
9. Fully operational UFO: crash landed before able to transmit order to destroy the campaign world to home planet, pilots in stasis, can be magically/accidentally revived, lots of shiny, precious space metal parts
10. Intact corpse of alien sorcerer: bristles w/magical baubles, flash frozen while casting massive death spell, lethal energies released if ice block compromised
11. Demon-Fire Boomerang of Infinite Explosions: burns dimly w/in block, glowing sigil on ice surface flashes "Danger: Do Not Release!" in every conceivable language
12. Purple blob at block's center: shrunken, inert sun-eater called down from the void, bound by long-dead sorcerer to exploit latent potency, radiates magic of unprecedented magnitude, if freed will eat the sun

In the Ice Queen's Palace

d12
1. An army of rejected suitors, their frozen bodies positioned for use as furniture
2. Decorative liquid nitrogen indoor river feature w/spectacular faux waterfall effect
3. Free-roving sentient mists flash freeze intruders then interrogate telepathically
4. Fully bipedal polar bears in cobalt armor guard key doors and junctions, wield wicked war-forks, ferocious loyalty may be compromised by offer of fresh sea lion meat
5. Captivating icicle arrangement on ceiling shines and sparkles, save or stand fascinated as they suddenly launch toward the viewer in a single machine gun-like burst
6. Amphitheater with skating rink features performance by sword-shod troll of surprising grace, unruly audience of shaggy snow devils throw frozen vegetables
7. Personal igloo of queen's special advisor: The Lich of the North
8. Service zombies w/personal coal ovens installed in abdomen, utility belt featuring bag of coal, various pokers and little shovel on ring, flask of accelerant, bundle of wooden matches
9. Werewalrus in mortal guise as suave aristocrat w/terrific mustachio, stunning in layer after layer of the most opulent furs, requires the express written permission of The Ice Queen before feasting on human flesh
10. The Well of Absolute Zero
11. Colossal apparatus with giant radar-like dish aimed due south, storing psychic energy from ancient polar race in suspended animation until ready to unleash wave of preternatural cold upon Imperial Capital City
12. The Yeti Lama levitates in lotus position, invited to party ages ago, still hanging around, occasionally mutters koans, finds itself endlessly amusing

NOW WITH ORGANIZATION

Jeff Russell of the Blessings of the Dice Gods blog has, out of the immeasurable kindness of his heart, begun to create a linked index of Dungeon Dozen entries, broken down into helpful categories.
This is the kind of work that I'd rather throw myself down a flight of stairs than tackle, being both insanely busy right now and innately lazy, so I am in his debt.

Check it out here: http://blessingsofthedicegods.blogspot.com/p/dungeon-dozen-fan-index.html

The Giants Are Up To Something

d12
1. Depopulating and clear-cutting an elf forest, processing timber to construct the world's biggest party barn
2. Taking up surprise submarine river piracy through clever use of new snorkel technology
3. Several competing giant factions in arms race, kidnapping/enslaving dwarfs, stealing/stockpiling metals for bigger/better arms and armor, you should see the stone giant czar in his insanely ornate field plate
4. Entered symbiotic relationship with Underworld brain-eaters who call the shots, organizing into well-oiled machine, secluded fertile valley seized, pacified, ready to begin domesticating humans
5. Synthetic giant growth hormone derived from enzymes in titan bile, trade w/titan requires great volumes of gold, turns out giants willing to do anything to get even bigger
6. Building a colossal fortified bridge over strategic mountain pass for an unknown purpose
7. Thoughtless sorcerer's experimental ray of fecundity creates population explosion, many hungry mouths to feed, forays launched to strip surrounding countryside of wealth
8. Towering new god reveals itself spectacularly, normally indifferent giants suddenly explode into full on zealotry, begin work on vast temple, mandated holy site: Imperial Capitol City
9. Giant chief visited by ghost of ancient reptile man, initiates expedition to steamy jungle to begin process of taming the dinosaurs
10. Transforming secluded vale into world's biggest earthwork fortification, stockpiling foodstuffs in anticipation of massed hostile forces emanating from the Underworld
11. Premonitions of looming catastrophe drive mass giant migration to sea shore, whereupon they will somehow build their cyclopean escape-ark, possibly by lashing together the entirety of the Imperial Navy
12. Someone told them eating wizards makes you smarter

They Haunt the Caves

d12
1. Spirits of cavemen, kicked out of afterlife after hostile takeover of their Celestial Plains by more sophisticated modern deities, drum, chant, make a racket, subject slick city dwellers to obscene verbal abuse
2. Ghost of wizard, combusted spontaneously after unexpected arcane energy surge but suspects treachery, assumes adventurers are royal investigators and is quite prepared to give a full statement
3. Disembodied psyches of sentient slime creatures from the dawn of time ooze about mournfully, gurgle pathetically, hurl impotent threats in their untranslatable language of flatulence
4. Spelunker's soul remains stuck in tight crevice, thought he could free himself by lopping off limb, bled to death, still calls out for assistance
5. Spectral torchbearer eaten by giant lobster (long since deceased) swims around subterranean pool keeping watch over his bones and scaring the hell out of passersby
6. Ghosts of dishonored vikings, barred from entry to Valhalla, joylessly sing a mead-hall tune while trying to spruce up the place
7. Angry spirits of the earthbound dead cluster here, awaiting some kind of ghostly messiah to lead them on a tour of vengeance upon the living, standing room only
8. Spectre of UFO pilot refuses to acknowledge responsibility for own demise after disastrous attempt at cavern navigation, fragments of space-metal hull scattered about, cave walls, floors, ceiling show evidence of super-heated explosion
9. Phantasmal kings whose thrones were usurped by lusty barbarians over the ages cluster around a table-like rock talking about the old days and fomenting vengeance upon all rural, muscular, sword-wielding, sandal-clad conquerors
10. Apparition of hill giant, lured into eating a pie full of poison by thieves, rejected for afterlife service by wicked deity for supreme stupidity, mutters about tricky adventurers and things like "fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice..uh..me can't get fooled again..."
11. Gaggle of incorporeal executed intellectuals, subject of a imperial purge many years ago, seem perfectly content to chew the fat with anyone other than each other, ask leading questions, play devil's advocate just to sustain the conversation
12. Ghostly presence of murdered Dungeon Overlord more than willing to reveal location of former dominion and many of the secrets therein, if only the PCs would make a blood-pact to destroy his traitorous successor

Someone Tipped Off the Humanoids

d12
1. Humanoids staying w/cousins nearby, all portable wealth removed, monster husbandry expert stays back to release the watch puddings
2. Hired horde of lesser humanoids use guerrilla tactics to harass and deplete party while still en route to dungeon, paid upfront w/treasures formerly up for grabs on level one
3. Fake beards distributed, objects of open evil hidden, humanoids pretend to be clan of industrious dwarfs
4. Entrances festooned with tripwires, pressure plates, hastily covered pits and holes, barbed projectiles protrude from door slits, precariously balanced buckets totter over doorways, a huge pain in the ass
5. Main dungeon entrance rigged for lethal collapse, suicide trooper on duty, other entrances under heavy guard
6. Gas masks distributed (w/strategic exclusions, esp. that owlbear), level magically flooded with deadly vapors, tribe now permanently in debt to sorcerer from below
7. Wandering sorcerer employed to create hallucinatory terrain, misdirects adventurers to cave lair of terrible abomination they probably can't handle, sorcerer does terrific work, slaves haul all humanoid treasures back to tower
8. Sub-overlord notified, trio of medusae from unknown third level take up guard position formerly occupied by relatively wimpy humanoid watch
9. Dungeon entrance slick w/oil, sentries ordered to apply torches only after majority of party enters flame zone, 4 in 6 chance of sentry over-excitement
10. Humanoids massed by entrances, worked up into a lather by non-stop chanting and imbibing of fortifying beverages, ready to encircle and annihilate the party before they even reach the door
11. Entrance unguarded, rooms empty but for comfy chairs and tables with open bottles of wine (2 in 6 chance of poison/bottle), humanoids bide time in secret hidey-holes beneath flooring
12. Humanoids get enormous Chinese New Year-style dragon puppet out of moth balls, rig smoke bombs/pyrotechnics, prepare to bedazzle, scare hell out of adventurers while archers do their work from concealment

Zealots in the Streets

d12
1. Trio of totally nude, heavily muscled missionaries, complete mythic story arc of terrible deity encoded in highly detailed pictogram tattoos covering 99.9% of their bodies, presented with much ritual posing and flexing
2. Gaggle of black sarong-clad death worshippers hurrying off to nearby shrine for massive auto-annihilation ceremony
3. Flagellites of extremely ascetic order give each other shots across the shins w/wicked bamboo implements while chanting on interminably
4. Thooloo's Witnesses politely inform all encountered of imminent doom and inescapable damnation, distribute pamphlets loaded with scary woodcuts
5. Acolytes of the Beatdown God twist their mustachios, roll up their sleeves, command passersby to put up their dukes and settle things like men i.e. no-holds-barred bare knuckle brawling sans unmanly war implements
6. Priestess of Aggrox the Axe Lord more than willing to demonstrate the superiority of her faith using the legendary Axe of Helm-Cleaving punctuated judiciously w/volleys of throwing axes of certain disarmament
7. Jolly Templar of the Cosmic Brewmaster wears barrel on back, dispenses pints in exchange for a short song of praise for deity, monkey sidekick w/waterskin backpack washes mugs, juggles, dances amusingly to songs
8. Outfitted in flipper and fin-adorned wetsuits w/begoggled pope hats, underworld sea god devotees harangue pedestrians w/promises of eternal holiday at Undersea-side resort/temple
9. Haughty missionaries of the God of Conspicuous Consumption drip w/expensive-looking baubles, too snooty to proselytize to adventuring riff-raff
10. Unholy combination of busker/bard/cleric of the beauty god yodel out super-catchy devotionals with insidiously memorable hooks, saving throw vs. throwing contribution into lute case
11. Demi-material missionary ghosts roam about, issue reports of full afterlife satisfaction for the faithful should they devote their remaining days to serving Paxamamnon the Colossal Sculptor of Worlds, single commandment: destroy all sorcerers
12. Yyrgh the Celestial Organizer requires a golden pyramid for unexplainable reasons, his shaved, oiled, yellow toga-clad worshippers must accumulate building materials by taking on menial jobs like torchbearer, treasure-hauler, legitimately earned gold delivered to convenient pyramid-shaped depositories throughout city

Xenophobia in the Underworld

For use determining reactions when PCs encounter isolated or little known beings in the abyssal depths of the Underworld

d12
1. You can trust a surface man's word, but gee are they powerful delicious/nutritious
2. All surface dwellers hated in descending order by height, the tall produce the staunchest fear and loathing, wee ones might be alright
3. Surface humans certainly reek to high heaven, but otherwise its anyone's guess, judge them on an individual basis
4. The creatures from above are so evil they think they're good! Destroy them before they can pollute your mind with their insane philosophies
5. Only a metal hat of some kind can save you from the surface people's mind control powers, shoot them from a distance and keep moving
6. Humans are blind, stupid, cruel, and greedy, but you can bamboozle them into extremely lopsided deals to minimize unpleasantness
7. Those from the outer crust have many admirable qualities but living under the open sky allows unfathomable entities from the void to warp their minds
8. They only come for one reason: our wealth, and they will do anything, absolutely anything no matter how terrible, to get it
9. The surface folk are fools, patsies of the gods, to be pitied but exterminated swiftly
10. Every time you kill a human an angel gets its wings
11. While unarguably hideous to view, with the appropriate training regimen, humans can make perfectly serviceable slaves, bait them with treasure and try to take them alive
12. Adventurers happen to match descriptions of prophesied harbingers of death god's imminence: fear, supplication

The Lich is Away From its Lair

d12
1. At dungeon entrance, inspecting crate of ancient/forbidden tomes, checking order carefully for any deviation from promised contents/conditions, delivery ogre magically frozen in position by door should order fail to satisfy
2. Taking leisurely stroll through dungeon environment, chatting w/invisible ghost consultant, intelligent monsters in area notably deferential, obedient, flee at the first opportunity
3. In guard area, digesting reports of incursions into dungeon, stroking chin, brushing up on the most horrible spells of death and mayhem from travel grimoire, former captain of the guard a smoking ruin, replacement captain's face drained of color, drenched in flop sweat
4. Conducting tour of dungeon vacancies w/striking, exceedingly well-dressed vampire and hideous half-ape coffin-mule, fondling dark gem of evil, a gift from vampire
5. In lair, but in midst of prolonged astral sojourn, body hovers in lotus position guarded by pack of huge hounds made of molten lead
6. Currently in unknown dimension on initial survey, cosmic gate open in lair, swirling nightmare environment beyond instantly lethal to living beings, highly intelligent, bioluminescent, demi-material bats streaming in, find earthly conditions preferable to their own
7. On trip to nearby metropolis to check in w/real estate agency on bid to purchase private tower w/several subterranean levels in good part of town near marketplace, theater district, carries substantial down payment in gems
8. Romantic tryst in Hell with particularly seductive devil, fated to go terribly wrong, lich will have much spleen to vent upon return
9. Presenting radical breakthrough in depopulation science to conference of evil in nearby abandoned shrine, papers scattered about lair contain just enough hints for adventurers to realize potential threat to every living creature on the planet
10. Scaring the hell out of the humanoids on adjacent dungeon level whose repeated offenses/unnecessary disturbances demonstrate highly deficient sense of boundaries
11. Performing field evaluations of new and improved fireball spells (giant fireball, smart fireball, fireball w/self-extinguishing flourish, etc) on elf-infested forest nearest to dungeon
12. Appointment w/world's most attractive wizard at mountaintop spa for intensive de-shriveling treatment

What the Lich Wants

d12
1. Driven by insatiable worldly passions, amasses treasure to fund construction of monumental pleasure-pyramid, collects artifacts/relics, hoards gems/jewelry/doo-dads/trinkets, surrounds self w/nubile young servants, throws lavish parties of evil, no display of wealth too ostentatious
2. This lich has a revenge list a mile long and cannot rest until visiting a uniquely tasty catastrophe upon every entrant, often including next of kin, entire family trees
3. General disgust with the gods, devils, demons, pretty much everyone fuels perpetual research towards a means of escaping Gygaxian cosmological schema forever
4. Despite decisive victory over death itself, the lich's mind has gone all dark and hopeless, sets plans in motion to render all the world into colossal mausoleum, brews plagues, chemical weapons, broods of murder monsters, abides alone in elaborate tomb complex loaded w/specially commissioned self-aggrandizing artworks
5. Just wants to finish sweeping series of novels set millions of years in the past, era of hegemony of the extinct intelligent beetles, editing thirtieth draft of manuscript, instantly destroys any who would break his concentration
6. Only world-wide recognition and the approbation of evil peers can make up for a childhood of neglect, psychologically compelled to become a household name by any means necessary and to the exclusion of any other agenda, given to random acts of public terror, also takes credit for unattributed mayhem, frequent press releases delivered by demonic courier service
7. Time spent concocting, applying to self, mastering every conceivable super-power duplicable by wizardry, before embarking upon career as trans-cosmic hero
8. Seeks to acquire political power via behind-the-scenes machinations, unholy alliances, espionage, assassinations, blackmail, intimidation, and use said power to plunge region into perpetual state of senseless conflict just for the sheer entertainment value
9. Sickened by the lameness of the human species, labors ceaselessly to restore an extinct nonhuman race to its rightful place of world supremacy
10. Compiling knowledge from across gulfs of time into single comprehensive resource, encoded into crystalline matrix and accessible only by psychic powers, travels frequently, squad of high level magic user lackeys keep watch over subterranean research facility
11. Nearly complete space rocket will soon carry the lich, vampire entourage to planet in the Black Galaxy perfectly suited to eternal unlife
12. Must complete trans-cosmic power beam caster to cut heavenly realm of the gods from moorings w/the material world, setting the menaces adrift in the void, never again to trouble humankind

Wandering Clergy and their Holy Implements

1. Supreme Lawgiver of Ooyosh, Pillar of Order, multi-pronged pope hat, robe of interlocked steel plates, mallet of redemption, on deity-mandated mission to harvest souls, converts must sign stack of forms, make immediate 10% tithe, travels with barrister/accountant sidekick
2. Father Flailarm of Nul the Mindless God, fully articulated steel prosthetic right arm ending in brutal flail of nullification, emits stream of dogma centered around destroying your own personality, a feat he seems to have pulled off supremely well
3. Goshimi the ever-chanting Wind Bishop must never relent from ritual chatter to dissuade the wind god from initiating long-promised Tornado Apocalypse, mashes enemies of the sky lords w/enchanted boomerang of catastrophe
4. Sister Shuyang of the Hermetic Order of Hloo-hloo, maintains icy distance, speaks sparingly in the quietest of whispers, avoids eye contact, but would join the adventurers for a chance to wallop evil with her stark bludgeon of removal
5. Hyrkon, initiate of the worm god, granted moustache mandibles for piety in word and deed, raiment tattered, half-starved, recently completed lengthy Underworld vision quest, emerged in unknown territory, lost, confused, seemingly abandoned by deity, bashes enemies of the worm-state with the writhing maul
6. Chaos Pontiff, muscled mass equivalent to small pony, wrapped mummy-like in dripping black cloth from head to toe due to unsightly skin mutation, giant gleaming eight-pointed crown, brandishes Yyr and Yur, twin demon-clubs carved from ebony w/elaborate bat wing/skull/tentacle design that transmute into extremely aggressive shoggoth forms on command
7. Al-kala-aq, quest-mullah of Ogos the Eternal relentlessly pursues the devil Uugruncht, former Ambassador from Hell, follows up new clues wherever the adventurers might be going, 2 in 6 chance of sudden preemptive devil attack per day, smacks evil w/iron rod of exorcism
8. Minister Mulkavar of a highly communicative deity of Law, plain black farmer's togs w/extremely broad brimmed hat, receives new revelatory broadcasts 1d2 times daily, convulses during divine download, soils raiment, begins extensive reportage after recovery, cracks the skeptical with sanctifying mace of clarity
9. Hishak Tithecollector, urban-camo-shrouded cutthroat/Cardinal of thieves' cult, divine powers of stealth, brings down massive cosh of ambush only from behind
10. Kuunthar-Ak, war shaman of the nearly extinct forest culture, once-serene deity now twisted to dark vengeance, issues Chewbacca-like aggro-howl before smiting the establishment w/deadly rod cut from the sole-surviving eternal oak
11. Yeti Lama, levitates in lotus position, unmatched serenity, speaks in nothing but koans, significant healing/curing powers given free of charge, utterly unimpressed with adventurers but may join a party just to teach them a lesson, smites nothing but wears stylish amulet of mental intrusion
12. Bruuthor, barbarian priest of Bor the callous mountain god, bearer of the mighty truncheon of dispersal, chants a lot, actively discourages others from worship of deity due to total lack of interest in humanity, Bor on his mountain does not care

Purpose of the Enchanted Key

d12
1. Deactivates all dungeon deathtraps when turned in security box on deepest dungeon level
2. For enchanted giant manacles restraining super-powerful/insane demigod
3. Activates/deactivates magical giant robot, keyhole in back of head, right behind stag beetle-like mandibles of steel
4. Ignition key for self-propelled mine cart of the tinker dwarfs, huge payload capacity, capable of breakneck speeds, poor cornering ability
5. Invisible keyhole in wall opens door to DMs pet alternate campaign setting
6. Opens lock box containing secret instructions left by extinct star-dwellers to prevent otherwise imminent galactic collision
7. Unlocks magical cage imprisoning relatively minor corporeal manifestation of death god
8. Grants access to the most magnificent lavatory facilities yet conceived
9. Opens padlock securing chains around cabinet loaded with priceless collectible torture implements from ancient culture of unsurpassed sadism
10. Inserting into keyhole on boulder activates metamorphosis into animate bodyguard of stone
11. Fits in any keyhole, locks permanently if turned
12. Toggles good/evil setting for biomechanical mind-enhancing implant in sorcerer's head

On Pain of Death

To combat player indecision/lassitude, the local monarch has a mandatory dungeon mission.

d12
1. Find the dungeon's deepest well, extract and return with one bucket-full of the primordial goo at well bottom
2. Princeling telepathically calls out for aid, stuck in a covered pit in a hallway filled with same on third level
3. Deliver ransom to Dungeon Overlord and retrieve hostage (royal chef of surpassing talent), time is of the essence!
4. Discover entrances and map entirety of level three in preparation for mass assault by Royal Commandos, remain undetected, no witnesses
5. Give the quasi-lich his powerful ancient relic back stat so he'll cool it with the plagues and curses
6. Capture and return with previously unknown species of ooze for important arcane research project
7. Assassinate turncoat court vizier currently in the employ of Dungeon Overlord
8. Deliver flowers and chocolate to medusa for love-sick bachelor monarch, she will be the one who wears her snakes in elaborate braided updo
9. Steal single tooth from venerable dragon on level eight without awakening the menace, good news: magical anesthetic, teeth falling out anyway, not-so-good: dragon worshipped by humanoid cult famous for vigilance, dedication to duty
10. Negotiate contract with mercenary band of bloodthirsty humanoids on level two, do not alert rival humanoids on level one
11. Sow seeds of insurrection by revealing captured plans of Dungeon Overlord to various factions noted as "entirely expendable", limit looting, slay only as necessary
12. Deposit arcane explosive device on deepest dungeon level then get the hell out