Drunk Jerks With Swords

Random encounters in the saloon

d12
1. Sweaty, brutish lout fresh from the wilderness in owlbear-skin suit, giant moustache, smells like beef jerky, utters continuous hate speech against demihumans/savages/foreigners
2. Tall, slender but w/ sinews like steel bands, mismatched bits of gear and armor from defeated foes, despises holy men and paladins because who do they think they are?
3. Scarred escapee from generations of servitude would gleefully hack member of gentry at any opportunity, froths at any obsequious displays, counsels hirelings/henchmen to abandon their masters, collection of teeth knocked out of noble heads
4. Old warrior, too broke to retire, shrivelled but w/ highly refined murder skills, wracking cough, likes to pick on the weak, issues stream of insult comic jabs until target provoked, hides behind lout in entry 1
5. Bloated creep, trickle of saliva from slack lip, incredibly strong but only good for about a minute of combat before wheezing, challenges big guys to feats of strength w/heavy wagering, trash talk, won't pay out if defeated because victor must have cheated
6. Paranoid fighter w/one giant hand won't stop talking about the red reptilians who actually control everything, takes challenges to world view as personal affront
7. Charred fireball survivor can smell a magic-user a stone's throw away and unwilling to take any chances
8. Barrel-bellied gentleman, plate armor straining to contain ever expanding girth, feels all disputes should be resolved via competitive drinking
9. Constable relieved of duties after questionable handling of arrest would love to vent spleen in violent outburst, but to do so lawfully must be struck first
10. Well-spoken cretin espouses half-baked barroom Social Darwinism, goes on at length about how the poor get what they deserve
11. Famous local outlaw fresh from the tailor in fashionable togs, drops silver indiscriminately, gleefully buys round after round, involuntarily hinting at big score he's not supposed to talk about
12. Beloved hero of the previous decade, once-resplendent martial gear now stained and rusty, a bit weird after the dragon bit his head, staggers into people at random w/jostling force, demands apology, saloon patrons very protective

In the Marketplace

d12
1. Butcher w/variety of Underworld meats, dubious sausages, menacing terrines, weird pâté, will pay bounty for reasonably fresh monster corpses
2. Kiosk occupied by capitalist sorcerer selling horses w/full tack shrunken to chihuahua size, resume full stature upon command, comes with reinforced backpack habitarium, tiny bales of feed, extremely pricey
3. Entirely corrupt Royal Inspectors w/squad of elite soldiers shake down dealers, accept only the juiciest of bribes, add arbitrary transaction fees to deals-in-progress, universal acclaim to any who could make this menace disappear
4. Illegal dungeon intoxicant salesman on home-crafted in-line skates zooms around openly pitching wares, issues obscene gestures to 3, above
5. Gnarly-looking tattooist, shirtless, broad grin reveals decorative faux fangs, shaved hairless but for multi-pronged goatee, inked from crown to crotch in riot of styles, art samples on stretched human skin, audible groans from within tent enclosure
6. Ambush cleric of the mighty god of beat-downs: magically conceals self, beans chosen subject w/mace, subsequently revived in back alley under full proselytizing assault
7. Bearded witch under black tarp will curse enemies for cash, outcomes range from minor skin eruptions to howling madness to lethal afflictions, priced accordingly
8. Foreign vendor sells unusual footwear, mostly mundane w/extremely pointy toes, new line of troll-rubber boots that never wear out, enhance sneakiness
9. Levitating mystic w/brass bowl full of coins, opens eyes and issues single dark oracular statement only if exact change deposited
10. Multiple dealers offer stilts and grotesque papier mâché heads to mark upcoming Festival of the Giants
11. Squad of ex-hirelings w/visible wounds selling off goods from party of adventurers killed by poison gas trap, partial dungeon map among items, other tips available for cash payment, will never ever venture below again
12. Dungeon crawl puppet show, picaresque featuring Quazemax the quasi-lich's underworld conquests, magically enhanced production values, buckets of gore, demographic appears to comprise children/simplest louts and warriors, watching entire program yields 1d12 mostly true dungeon rumors

NPC Encounters: In the City Temple

d12
1. Semi-deranged senior citizen had lengthy conversation with some devil or other through her hovel's only door, many disturbing revelations, next visit promised for midnight
2. Philosopher-mage hostile to all religion about to get removed/killed by temple security, hollers out half-crazed/half-sensible diatribe for the abolition of the gods, claims to have concocted new magical argument that will dispel deities if only it can be delivered on their home turf
3. Gaggle of children of high station under tutelage of supremely dangerous monk get first hand lesson on manipulating the masses, tailed by shadowy bat-winged thralls of powerful witch w/ambitious kidnapping scheme
4. Extremely ancient vampire, seen it all, done it all, now looking to end it all
5. Semi-repentant libertine, still at least partially stupefied by recent binge gets the hard sell from clergy, veteran of expedition to local dungeon, knows location of pain in ass treasure
6. Forest ape of above average intellect trying to get a grip on the concept, convinced religiosity is the key by which human nature will at last become comprehensible, but if not, his fellows are correct, humanity must be destroyed
7. Seasoned assassin fresh from gig, immune from prosecution while on temple grounds, performs ritual cleanse followed by fortnight of fasting/meditation, then its off to whack some corrupt official, could maybe use a hand with house guards for cut of astonishing fee
8. Local nobles making customary obeisances and nominal tithes while looking down noses at common rabble, purses fat with filthy lucre, take one look at the PCs and hop back in their palanquins
9. Human trafficker, heavily armed crew of cutthroats w/covered wagon-load of candidates for human sacrifice must have taken a wrong turn somewhere
10. Enshrouded victim of terrible dungeon plague short on time, short on cash for required healing, survivor of ill-fated expedition to nearby dungeon, will trade underworld secrets/rumors for gold
11. Celebrity guest preacher actually magically disguised agent of chaos ready to unleash powers of mind-control on congregation, then begin killing temple clergy one-by-one
12. Sorcerer, beady eyes streaming bitter tears, seeks absolution for crimes against nature, swears off pursuit of the dark arts, renounces worldly possessions including fully stocked tower loaded with magic items (does not mention host of terrifying abominations at liberty within), tears raiment, self-flagellates before shrivelling like a punctured balloon in a black cloud of foulness

NPC Encounters: In the Palace

d12
1. Impostor noble from distant kingdom imposing on hospitality of court: trickster looking to ingratiate, befriend, romance then bilk, borrow, steal, slither off into the night, always looks sharp: ancient magical toga transmutes into any desired raiment once daily
2. League of Evil Physicians chief prepares operating theater for demonstration of novel surgical techniques featuring judicious use of lab-developed slimes, puddings, and jellies
3. Small time arms dealer trying to make the big time, recent alliance w/shady dwarf clan using slave labor to triple output of cheap knockoffs of legendary dwarf war products, samples look terrific
4. Assassin disguised as greatest pastry chef in the land, works in seclusion to prepare colossal cake for prince's birthday, actually frosting covered nail bomb
5. High priest of burgeoning Underworld cult and motley entourage inflict their beastly company upon court, petitioning for mutual non-aggression pact w/the realm, believed to have scads of bejewelled gifts/bribe monies standing by in chambers
6. Traitorous yet super-competent major domo, belittled by the royals for the final time, dying to inject disruptive mayhem into courtly life, PCs look like just the patsies to get things going
7. Eligible young noble, exceedingly well connected and in line for wealth/power, interested in pursuing brief romance with random PC in a ploy to draw out idle suitors of a more desirous variety, once attention garnered instantly discards PC w/public accusations of unsavory conduct
8. Powerful witch in guise of faith healer/spiritual guru to the young nobles, sows the seeds of subtle mind control for the day when the children will destroy their parents and she will harness the potency of this bloodshed to call down her dark masters from the stars
9. Friend of a friend of a hanger-on to the staff of a major noble, also expert duellist, looking for opportunity to make a big splash to kick off campaign of status elevation
10. Thousand year old demigod, somewhat diminished by age but still tremendously scary, showed up drunk and took a wing of the palace for personal use, the royals would love to be rid of the menace
11. Venerable ex-court vizier, forced into retirement by ambitious apprentice, doddering, forgetting spells, now secretly hiring swords to exact his terrible vengeance
12. Mighty hero of the realm, returned from mind-bending sojourn into some Hell or other, armor crafted of green leviathan chitin, wicked radiant war-cleaver sidearm, refuses to remove helmet or speak, takes nourishment through mouth slit, squire cautions everyone against sudden moves

More Big City Street Weirdos

d12
1. Human obstacle: this hulking fellow, once-great warrior dinged in the helmet by a giant, affable at first, simply will not get out of the way, throngs of city folk sympathetic to his plight give wide berth
2. Artificial sheriff: crude handmade badge of station, tattered raiment in imitation of city constabulary, speech like movie Frankenstein, attempts to place random party member under arrest for crimes indecipherable
3. Lady who SCREEEEAAAMMMSS everything she says, generally gets all the way up in grill before letting loose paranoid diatribe describing current city officials as patsies for vampire cabal
4. Peculiar, slightly smelly fellow with no discernible skills or profession who really wants to be friends very badly, persistent, ingratiating, offers self up as retainer happy to perform the lowliest of tasks
5. Genius street urchin who learned charm person from senile magic user
6. Charming old lady who used to be a badass fighter must eat gold to live, metabolism permanently changed by encounter with the legendary Gold River of the Underworld, she's full of stories but expensive tastes must be indulged
7. Suspiciously pale performer actually controlled by vampire monkey sidekick
8. Ol' Snakepockets: reputable breeder specialising in deadly vipers, literally squirming at all times w/ 2d12 living snakes around neck, up sleeves, in pants, hair, headgear, etc.
9. Mighty-looking beggar warrior w/compulsive gambling issue saving up coppers to get sword out of hock, would appreciate help in exchange for services
10. Street surgeon: expelled from academy for outlandish (frequently correct) theories, highly successful secret practice responsible for refurbishing criminal element, provides healing, cures diseases non-magically, barter system, sewer-level offices stuffed with stolen trinkets/magic items
11. World's smallest halfling:almost a foot tall, massive sideburns, bloated, appears ungainly but scampers like anything, catches rats with teeth, looking for work, voice like James Earl Jones
12. Man under witch's curse: skin perpetually bursts into flames, lives in water filled-barrel, street folk bring him victuals, warm themselves

Random Items: Dungeon Level Ten

d12
1. Enchanted photo-real 3-D portrait of the Dungeon Overlord as a young man/woman/entity, demon-sculpted black frame of evil alone worth small fortune, but would look great over mantle @ adventurer's HQ
2. Parked outside treasure sorting room: large wheeled bin full of clothing, armor, gear stripped from startling number of dead adventurers, highlights include: exciting footwear, unusual equipment, interesting helmets
3.One-third bottle of sour mash whiskey of monster control: works great but unbelievably potent
4. Silver whistle creates imperceptible sound wave that destroys bond between artificially installed animus and flesh/other matter, renders much necromancy null and void, terminally disrupts corporeal undead, single charge remaining
5. Brain-shaped crystal formation, enhances intellect to super-human level when in physical contact, weighs one thousand pounds, floods brain w/crazy ideas
6. Bat-winged jumpsuit w/horned space helmet from member of Hell's Courier Service killed by Dungeon Overlord for delivering bad news, affords excellent protection from weapons, fire & infernal weather, transporter belt w/single button takes wearer to Hell and back, impervious satchel of holding attached
7. Phalanx of inert robo-hoplites w/Corinthian helm of remote control, instruction manual, in gift-wrapped shipping container
8. Gag gift for Dungeon Overlord from subsequently assassinated member of inner circle: aerosol can of paladin repellent, actually sort of works, renders only the pure and noble green around the gills
9. Locked coffer filled with scrolls detailing accumulated research/elaborate plan to import elder being from adjacent dimension, install in the heavens to create permanent eclipse, creatures of the night take over
10. Soul-powered bio-mechanical dungeon excavator, like small rail car on multitude of stubby legs, business end a riot of shovels and picks, hacks out standard 10' dungeon corridor/minute, extrudes rubble as usable masonry, very thirsty for souls indeed
11. Rod of Dungeon Mastery: projects rays that reduce the weak-willed to minion status, compel spirits of the Underworld to reveal mysteries of dungeon ecology, deactivate traps/automated tricks, open doors as per knock spell, multi-horned skull topper gives directions w/gentle voice, warns of self destruct mechanism should the object be taken from the dungeon
12. Dungeon Overlord's experimental super-armor, unfinished but still rather awesome, emits waves of fear, induces supplication, enhances strength/endurance/speed, impervious to anything short of an exploding shell, when out of soul-fuel consumes that of occupant

Random Items: Dungeon Level Nine

d12
1. Just back from the cleaners: wardrobe's worth of human size cult raiment, outrageous, multiply spiked and pronged, towering headgear like baroque cathedrals, in all the most evil colors, hateful devil face masks included
2. Huge, perfectly cut jewels with self-generating spider legs, scamper to avoid capture, bite with gem fangs loaded with virus-like mineral venom, transmutes great swaths of living cells into crystalline slough
3. Skin-bound tourist's phrasebook of Hell, covers many dialects of the Abyss, also includes instructions for producing weird tones and ululations perceptible to Elder Gods using common household items
4. In huge lead box, melted shut: bust of current Chaos Bishop cast in gold, diamond and blue sapphire eyes, neck and shoulders covered in gemstones simulating mail, crafted back when he only had a few facial tentacles
5. Sometimes a giant cigar is just a giant cigar
6. Sorcerer with look of supreme confidence and enviable array of gear turned to stone, subsequently smashed to chunks, dropped scroll amongst the rubble intact, inscribed w/potent chaos-dampening spell
7. Spiked mallet of soul-extinguishing: critical hit indicates direct shot to pineal gland, annihilates soul leaving behind greying remnant, lacking all joie de vivre, looking forward only to oblivion
8. Large black medical bag: huge tube of high potency anti-fungal cream, one dose ointment of regeneration, jar w/rather menacing giant leech that cures disease, sealed envelope containing one inert colony body lice of healing
9. Bejewelled sofa with wicked clawed feet carved from devil bones, upholstered with fabrics woven from precious metals, worth a fortune on secondary market of evil, would look fantastic in wealthy vampire's lair, too bad its on level nine
10. Massive enchanted sacrificial dagger (as short sword), unerringly seeks the heart of opponent once daily but only after time-consuming/embarrassing ritual
11. Soul-powered dungeon hovercraft, seats five w/one more in the automatic ballista turret, not very fuel-efficient
12. Crown of Hell, minor: cloven in two by vorpal sword (shattered, shards everywhere) wielded by mighty paladin (broken, pulverized body nearby), devoid of terrible powers but made from priceless/incredibly rare infernal metals

Random Items: Dungeon Level Eight

d12
1. Huge enchanted syringe crafted for soul-extraction, assembly required, components packed in padded box
2. Floating storage locker, borne aloft by Tenser wave, currently loaded w/relatively valueless tchotchkes from Hell
3. Leviathan ivory scrimshaw depicting pivotal turning points in history of alternative reality
4. Full helm shaped as vulture's head, imparts ability to sense bloodshed, death, decay up to one mile distant
5. Dress jacket with eight decorative tentacles where epaulets should be, obey mental commands of wearer
6. Crate wrapped by tamper-resistant chain of security containing scads of dubious underworld currency, surrounded by recently slain bodies of delivery-humanoids
7. Large glass bottle filled with fist-sized capsules each containing inert ooze, just add copious amounts of water
8. Lock box full of crude medals festooned with skulls (gold, electrum, silver) for various events in upcoming Underworld Games
9. Lead-lined barrel, sealed and ensorcelled, holy symbols of every stripe stored within, awaiting pickup by hazmat disposal humanoids
10. Platinum idol of rearing diplodocus-god, jewel eyes, only half-excavated from stone wall
11. Package marked for delivery to Science Commander of adjacent dungeon complex, peer-reviewed treatise on detecting evil at cellular level, litmus test kit, specimen samples from various underworld horrors
12. Soul-fueled power generator, valve fits syringe (entry 1), several hundred feet of coiled cable w/metal clamps

Random Items: Dungeon Level Seven

d12
1. Scroll of Holding: created by now-senile godling before totally losing it, stores unlimited amounts of information, spells, maps, other documents, contents from far-flung paleogean epochs right up to last Tuesday, no index
2. Small herd of stampeding treasure chests, fully loaded, ambulating upon clockwork horse legs, dispatched to secret summer house of the quasi-lich in adjacent dungeon complex
3. Wand of Transmission: fires bolt of information unerringly, decoded by brain of target who must make a saving throw or forget own name, other vital bits, for 1d12 hours
4. Gentleman's formal attire of Hell, bat-wing bow tie, fiendish spats, freshly cleaned and pressed, sized for twelve foot tall being of robust build, wing holes, smart lines, black-on-red design, fabric woven from wondrous alien metals, weighs a ton
5. Precise ink diagram on good vellum w/notations in thieves' code, burned a bit, trodden on, crumpled, indicates exact locations of 1d4 treasures on level 8
6. Pumpkin-size Golden Apple of the Gods, a single bite instantly increases the intellect if saving throw vs. death succeeds, then roll HERE for good measure
7. Enchanted steel snail shell w/tiny door, magic phrase allows owner and carried equipment to shrink down and take shelter within should that ever seem like a good idea
8. Gong of Supplication (Humanoid): tone precisely mimics signature fanfare of wicked deity, when sounded brings single type of humanoid to knees, wailing and grovelling as one might until ruse discovered
9. Cast iron Codpiece of Protection: gruesome bat-face design, prodigious magical bonus to armor rating but cannot be worn with anything else other than boots and helmet, maybe a cape, or enchantment negated
10. Vial w/1d12 blue and red capsules, if taken causes toxic gas to gush forth prodigiously from mouth as per cloudkill 
11. Large, relatively slow-moving bats w/four wings, bellies stuffed with gems, winging their way to quasi-lich's summer house in adjacent dungeon complex
12. Trained all-weather gelatinous cube: follows commands played on tin whistle, master can be encysted within for effortless transport over land or sea, great storage capacity, secretes acid as desired

Random Items: Dungeon Level Six

d12
1. Miniature scale model of recent dungeon construction in extraordinary detail, placement of some death traps subsequently revised
2. Bag full of feathers from angel wings, razor sharp, stronger than steel, exude palpable aura of goodness repellent to soulless/undead, make for awesome magic arrows
3. Cursed fifty foot rope of treachery: to all appearances of the finest quality, ties/unties self at worst possible moment
4. Smart putty, ensorcelled to adhere to face and alter features to desired arrangement at whim, if attempted more than once/day user must make saving throw or face becomes writhing oozing out-of-control mask of unpleasantness
5. Dust and cobweb obscured solid gold trophy for competitive eating championship awarded to Dungeon Overlord earlier in career
6. Severed head of a fellow with terrible hairdo of chaos and ornate earrings of evil, partial dental appliance contains authentic demon fangs, soul-freezing bite attack paralyzes as ghoul, extractions required for use in most healthy PCs
7. Glass globe w/sentient gas being on elegant pedestal, telepathic, bitter, hateful, eats oxygen, famished, if released will instantly suck the air out of the room
8. Former enemies of the Dungeon Overlord, bodies preserved by dip in liquid gold, removed from public display years ago
9. Still-warm crock of giant centipede gumbo, quite nourishing, diabolically spicy, save vs. gastro-intestinal distress 1d4 hours after consumption
10. Shaman's medicine bag, straps hacked through, spattered with gore, contents interesting (tiny skulls of unknown origin, ancient coins no one collects anymore, new and unusual fungi, a shrunken human foot, stinky resins, assorted dried berries, etc.), seem like they should have some kind of mystic function but add up to a hill of beans
11. Gleaming helm w/large frilly moth-like antennae that sense movement/subtlest shifts in air current to a range of 120 feet
12. Palm size diamond, sentient, telepathic, awakened when cut by forgotten god at the dawn of time, has seen it all, knows it all, starving for attention after long isolation, exceedingly clingy and needy but good with numbers, volunteers to become financial advisor to adventurers

Random Items: Dungeon Level Five

d12
1. Stoppered vial contains balm that causes thick, lustrous hair to sprout abundantly from skin wherever applied
2. Leather bag held down by heap of stones conceals levitating ingot of extra-dimensional metal of astonishing tensile strength and malleability, will ascend into the heavens if left untethered
3. Life size mannequin magically animates upon command and replicates several popular fighting styles for martial training, armed with array of kendo-style weaponry
4. Scroll of Instantaneous Mass Transport, designed for use when things get extremely bad, teleports any within fifteen feet of caster to distant star/campaign world of the game master's choosing
5. Single lens that allows remote viewing of extremely grim and brutal alternate reality wherein, perhaps unbelievably, the PCs are even more horrible people
6. Skull w/enchanted stone spike driven through, if embedded into skull of living subject at precisely the same angle it stimulates and augments latent telekinetic abilities
7. Crate contains carefully packed three foot long scale model of dirigible, fully functional, w/circlet of remote control included, designer's notes indicate payload capacity of up to ten pounds
8.  Hand truck loaded w/unmarked barrels
9. Nearly depleted spool of semi-unbreakable magic thread w/needle tucked in, enchanted small scissors of snipping stuck in the top
10. Lock box containing receipts for massive deposits issued by royal bank of nearest metropolis, ledger, signet ring, enough personal information to pull off identity theft of quasi-lich
11. Scroll scribbled in haste after research breakthrough seems to contain a variant of the disintegrate spell but is actually the arcane equivalent of a cyanide tablet
12. Golden idol of vulgar deity screams obscenities if touched or moved, carries on until dispel magic or equivalent applied

Random Items: Dungeon Level Four

d12
1. Severed hand with ducal signet ring clutching a Wand of Regeneration, single charge remaining
2. Package wrapped in black paper, undelivered gift for wicked youngling contains set of fully articulated action figures of evil, crafted of wood and tin, masterfully painted, tiny implements of war and mayhem included, coupon to send away for ultra rare anti-paladin figure
3. Luminous crystal shard contains single massive electrical charge released by smashing against sufficiently hard object, discharges in thirty foot radius, damage as per lightning bolt
4. Exquisite suit of plate armor on standing display, currently inhabited by colony of hideous dungeon fairies like tiny bat-winged hairless monkeys, swarm attack if disturbed, sabaton articulations seep toxic guano
5. Tremendous meat pie left to cool on industrial-size rack, contents unknown but smells alright, huge golden ring baked in
6. Fabled Adamant Crowbar of Unsolicited Entry, enchanted to pry like nobody's business
7. Corpse copiously hacked and arrowed, obvious false eye sees gold through walls, etc, if in contact with optic nerve
8. The Gong Resounding, hand-size with dainty mallet, devil face painted on, magically amplified, loud as a nearby thunderclap
9. Conical wizard's hat w/decorative skull motif, blood-spattered, ransom gems sewn into apex, pocket also occupied by tiny viper
10. Hermetically sealed box containing chunk of rubbery troll flesh eager to remake itself once exposed to air
11. Toothy segment of dragon jawbone w/sculpted hand grip, enchanted to emit terrifying roar as per dragon when wielded in battle, combat bonus against mammals
12. Glass globe w/highly compressed and positively furious air elemental trapped within

Random Items: Dungeon Level Three

d12
1. Stone tablet inscribed with cuneiform calendar of 100% accuracy, suppressed for religious reasons, could fetch major sum from right buyer or possibly summary execution for sedition if discovered by powers-that-be
2. Bedazzled keepsake box containing sacred bones, locks of humanoid hair, set of pointy baby teeth dipped in gold, swarm of aggressive body lice
3. Notarized document presenting semi-irrefutable evidence of regional monarch's collusion in various crimes against humanity
4. Sword of armor-cleaving: ancient blade enchanted to sheer off opponent's protective gear in single swipe once per day
5. Pages 117-198 of Forbidden Manual of Future Lore, contested translation into common tongue, contains many terrible revelations of events yet to be with direst ramifications for current ruling classes
6. Huge unbreakable leaf from the legendary Tree of Adamant
7. Crate containing sets of parade dress for entire humanoid royal clan for upcoming event, multiple sizes, all stunning in their over-the-top flamboyance, lots of shiny bits, weird juxtapositions of color, maker's mark indicates work of celebrity designer from nearest metropolis
8. Not-quite-colossal stone head, persistently levitates three feet above any surface, holds one thousand pounds before sinking
9. Single plate shoulder piece of missile deflection, enchanted to send missiles astray (2 in 6 chance), negligible effect on overall protection, needs new straps
10. Bone-crushing mace, ensorcelled to render random limb useless on critical hit, must be used two-handed by any creature smaller than ogre-size, great strength required
11. Musical instrument of shining brass, obviously designed to be played by creature with multiple mouths, scads of digits
12. Giant-size coat of exquisite chinchilla-like fur, marred slightly by smear of indelible ink on massive sleeve

Random Items: Dungeon Level Two

d12
1. Leather scroll case, two tickets to the ogre war chiefs' biannual bacchanal inside w/directions
2. Beautifully crafted false devil horns w/gum adhesive, bat wings, tail, array of straps, one application of purple body paint, still in package
3. Ornate ceramic vessel with cork stopper, decorated w/scenes considered quite erotic by certain kinds of underworld humanoids, contains one gallon refined mineral oil, extra slippery
4. Half-full flask of nightmare juice: tiny sip imparts stimulating chills down spine, sense of dread, full measure incapacitates with mind-bending horrors for 1d4 hours, saving throw vs. early retirement to quiet life in the country upon awakening
5. Shiv of shanking: razor-sharp obsidian shard with leather wrapped grip, enchanted for bonus to backstabbery
6. Six extra-large gold coins in black purse, appear to have been minted in Hell, hideous devil face, unholy sigils, inscribed with dire curse, always warm to the touch, hard to spend
7. Discarded corner of sorcerer's mind-enhancing vegan sandwich: boosts IQ a bit but mostly jacks up self-confidence and causes the lips to curl involuntarily into sardonic smirk
8. Humanoid medic's field surgical kit: gnarly scalpels, retractors, pincers, spreaders, variety of toxic powders that may or may not induce unconsciousness, great curved needle and thread, strip of leather w/ bite marks, tubing and tourniquets made from tanned monster arteries, menacingly large scissors
9. Stylish multi-pronged helmet, of the kind practically irresistible to warriors of inflated self-importance, currently infested w/ benevolent parasite
10. Small leather bag with embroidered mushroom insignia: weird loam within produces a new super-nutritious fungal lobe each day if kept moist, stinks though
11. The silent mallet: ensorceled to drive pitons (etc) noiselessly
12. Exploding rations: erupt into ten foot ball of blue flame when bitten

Random Items: Dungeon Level One

d12
1. Near mint collectible humanoid figurine set, each figure engaged in different unspeakable act of evil, wrapped in lamb's wool and packed in special crate from the wicked manufacturer
2. Scuffed brass dungeon compass with stylized dragon embossed on cover, needle always points to the nearest exit
3. Stitched giant's bladder with adjustable metal nozzle, filled with hot pepper mash that sprays forth if squeezed
4. Ancient cube of gold, quite encumbering, 50% chance of being lead with thinnest veneer of gold foil
5. Semi-reliable Blindfold of Trap Awareness, sends shivers down the wearer's spine when traps are near or at random
6. Gems encased in blobs of lead for safe keeping (a troll practice)
7. Trained rat in wooden cage: sniffs out gold in exchange for treats
8. Poorly smelted iron badge with unknown rune: signifies allegiance with specific humanoid tribe
9. Unusual potion imparts unpleasant side effects unless saving throw succeeds
10. Damage-proof scroll case carved of leviathan ivory, bejewelled, decorated with skulls and devils, crumbling scroll inside contains enough fragments of unknown spell for relatively easy restoration
11. Animate disembodied hand on leash, able to follow simple commands
12. Enchanted crystal sword that hits automatically for maximum damage once then shatters into semi-precious shards

Random Dungeon Overlord

d12
1. Marooned outer being established as object of worship, amasses resources needed to activate trans-cosmic distress signal device
2. World's smartest giant engineers scenario to ignite and maintain world's most continuous debauched revelry
3. Demigod of unspeakable evil and malice brought to lowly state by various earthly addictions
4. Failed war leader from remote alien sphere gathering power to give it another go in campaign world, hubris matched only by general incompetence (except in cruelty and combat)
5. Satan himself, visits campaign universe in spare time, just a relaxing hobby
6. Chrononaut from distant past: dinosaur monarch reincarnated as human-type, uniting powers of darkness to topple nauseating reign of mammals
7. Megalomaniac artist/sorcerer w/sensibilities of Hieronymus Bosch/H. R. Giger, plans to use entirety of campaign world as grand living canvas
8. Champion of Law gone rogue/undercover to sow seeds of Charles Mansonian helter-skelter amongst the surface kingdoms, triggering at last perpetually delayed final conflict
9. Just the standard bitter evil royal from surface kingdom fomenting the darkest possible revenge upon righteous usurpers until contracting lycanthropy and grotesquely disfigured by mind-enhancing fungal infection
10. Eldest god, diminished by laws of thermodynamics, attempts to undermine current reality and set new big bang in motion, builds containment module to sustain essence for special guest appearance in rebooted universe
11. Ascendant deity of Moral Relativism in super-impressive mortal guise, maintains terrible dungeon environment as proving ground for philosophical principles, adventurers and monsters mere lab animals in pitiless doctoral dissertation
12. Dead sorcerer's psyche inhabits incredibly muscular new body to resume interrupted unholy schemes and research, bash a few heads for good measure

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Ten

d12
1. Dungeon Overlord's chief of staff, scarred around head where extra brains surgically crammed in, just called onto carpet for constant security breaches, flop sweat, offers unregistered guests cash bribe for immediate departure via secret passage to surface
2. Giant w/sledgehammer hand, sack of huge nails, takes down mummified remains of adventurers from display wall, cart load of freshies ready to go up
3. Renowned master thief in flowing cape, rumors of death greatly exaggerated, following mental collapse believes self to be ancient vampire
4. Wizard (out of spells) with nasty leg wound, recently defrocked cleric on the outs w/deity bleeding from face, drag limp armored form, rather chewed, certain they are pursued by actual Hounds of Hell
5. Dungeon Overlord's personal trainer in colorful skin-tight singlet, headband, vestigial bat wings, impeccably muscled body a high-tension wire, highly aggressive/volatile personality, no appreciable combat skills
6. Eccentric artist from surface, borne aloft by the ever-fluttering silk scarf of hovering, demonic significant other (jet-black, stunningly beautiful, porcupine quills instead of hair), lampoon the foibles of second half of D.O.'s super-armor design team (entry 7)
7. Evil dwarf armorer/engineer stomps around in huff, mutters about contacting union steward to get him out of the super-armor contract (see entry 6), huge adamant slide-rule beheads on critical hit
8. Recently revivified genocide-beetle scientist from ten million years in the past, tech advisor to D.O., oversees disinterment of paleogean death-science laboratory by devolved service beetles
9. Harem manager, towering androgyne, refugee from alien sphere destroyed in arcane incident, ninety-nine problems coming to head simultaneously, shredding documents with curving finger-claws, contemplates options, considering taking job with vampire lord in neighboring dungeon complex, knows semi-direct underworld route, needs bodyguards
10. Ghost of noted ancient philosopher/genius, policy advisor to D.O., insists (with all due politeness) adventurers follow to Overlord's chamber as proof positive of security issues
11. Surface monarch from nation thought to be bastion of good, full regal finery including many sparkling gems and luminous circlet of station, unsightly bite marks on neck (see entry 3), looking for security chief to file complaint
12. D.O.'s deep tissue massage therapist, grotesquely swollen land-kraken w/kindly human-like face, out-of-control drooling problem, tentacles strong enough to rip a man in half, simultaneously able to perform the most delicate of tasks

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Nine

d12
1. Partially stupefied giant, earmarked for cult sacrifice but now making a break for it, shaved, tattooed, diapered, envenomed darts sticking out of all parts north and south
2. The All Henchmen Brigade: loose confederation of various former hirelings gone rogue, opportunistic treasure scavengers, they hate adventurers above all
3. Chained to wall: entire party of adventurers formerly under the command of enlarged paladin on level eight
4. Iron clad Templar of Evil w/highly opinionated sentient greatsword chortles mirthlessly having just won a handsome purse in sadistic office wager
5. Purveyor of dark temple goods unpacks cases from payload area of giant pack ape, in stock: sacrificial blades of every size/shape, wicked skull-emblazoned raiment in assortment of garish colors, hallucinogenic incense, supersized tins of shelf-stable chicken blood, etc
6. Cult loremaster, frail, emaciated, head drooping under weight of giant ram's horns, reads from ambulatory lectern/land squid stacked with exceedingly rare tomes (of Chaos), automatically surprised, knows several death spells
7. Lava-man monarch, not quite sure about converting to cult despite being wined and dined, unimpressed with diabolical organization, more than happy to share opinions with strangers
8. Cult musical director, human shaped w/spider face, decked out in regal finery, paces on ceiling, hums to self composing strange, discordant fanfare for upcoming occasion: material advent of unspeakable deity
9. Crack squad of feral humanoid blowgun experts under command of famously missing surface criminal mastermind, trying to pick up the trial of partially stupefied giant (entry 1)
10. Former official tax collector for dungeon overlord, massive human form but whale skull for a head, huge luminous multifaceted eyes, stripped of authority after accusation of embezzlement, placidly awaits execution
11. Quite powerful sorcerer w/malfunctioning wand of teleportation, was aiming for subterranean kingdom beneath distant island, tries to get bearings without revealing utter cluelessness
12. Hulking cult executioner, mighty arm in sling, attended by faithful axe caddy, seeks out emergency healing in order to complete sacrifices required by ritual already in progress

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Eight

d12
1. Ten foot tall multi-tentacled service creature w/pleasant facial expression balances 2d4 trays loaded with exotic cocktails, glides toward nearby bacchanal, marsupial-like pouch stuffed with tips, unleashes stream of toxic bile if agitated
2. Drunk and disorderly demon princeling, fresh from making public ass of self in front of superiors, could possibly achieve redemption w/particularly tasty human sacrifice were one to present itself
3. Evil dramatist w/transparent skin and leathery wings works frantically on last minute revisions to short piece for imminent performance, reads out parts to self, weeping exasperated acid tears, willing to write in parts for adventurers who have that certain special something 
4. Wily expert thief hides in roast catoblepas carcass left to rest before service, waiting for opportunity to flee the scene w/bejewelled goblet enchanted to transmute wine into lethal poison
5. Enlarged paladin in black greasepaint w/impala horns glued to head pretends to be a demon guest but is sweating off his disguise, improvised faux-evil dialogue not so hot either, ready to create distraction according to plan already abandoned by cohorts
6. Ten foot tall multi-tentacled service creature relieved of duty after finishing off countless leftover beverages, bitter, vengeful, loopy, desperately needs new employers, built up toxic bile ready for discharge at even the slightest provocation
7. Breathless barbarian mouths pithy rebuke to so-called gods, smacking forehead with flat of gore-streaked two-handed sword, working up quite a froth before rushing headlong into battle against forces beyond barbarous comprehension
8. Noted surface sorcerer dripping with rings, talismans, charms, tries to look inconspicuous, whispers instructions to invisible companion, fiddles nervously with luminous wand topped with tiny human-like skulls
9. Horrified local monarch pales visibly reading over fine print on freshly signed contract, equally rattled court vizier attempts to get it together enough to read scroll of teleportation
10. Monster husbandry master attempts emergency surgical intervention on prone and gasping giant horror, recently hacked by barbarian (see entry 7), demonic owner looks on helplessly
11. Dealer with the face of a star-nosed mole readies displays of wicked armaments enchanted to smite the good, lawful, noble
12. High priest of surface temple webbed to corner chants feebly, still unbroken despite obvious abuse, crudely written sign at feet reads "please punch me in the face"

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Seven

d12
1. Big game hunter answering call for same issued by resident quasi-lich who feels proliferation of ropers obscures view of attractive scintillant gas cloud effusing from paleogean fissure, neanderthal side-kick drags cart loaded with specialized anti-monster implements
2. Brewmaster general (half-drunk), muscles like steel bands due to hefting kegs day and night, mighty war-maul ready to smash any who interfere w/deliveries, equally mighty brew-apes (drunk) haul twelve varieties of craft beers and ales, each uniquely horrible
3. Unaccompanied sorcerer in striped raiment: all spells somehow bee-themed (ex: contact other hive, summon giant bee), bits of honeycomb in beard, likes to discuss all things apian pretty much exclusively, insufferable, abandoned by party when caught in web, royal jelly sampler w/variety of magical effects
4. Humanoid executive chef on rampage, tunic spattered w/remnants of deceased kitchen staff, rants in outrageous accent as great cleaver waves around menacingly, needs replacement staff instantly to complete dinner service for dungeon overlord and important guests
5. Necromancer's aide, exceptionally bright humanoid in black lab coat, did a quick loot of late master's chambers after terrible incident (see level six), laden with interesting items in large sack, makes bee-line for buyer on level eight
6. Masterful thief w/two broken legs crawling in shadows following unfortunate dispute with Brewmaster (entry 2), concealed scroll contains partial maps of levels 8-10)
7. Human from surface with fish symbol emblazoned on silk cape, dorsal fin helmet, elbow length black safety gloves, pushes hand truck with sealed leather bags containing live giant leeches for quasi-lich's aquarium
8. Evil gentleman of leisure w/armed-to-the-teeth undead manservant (zombie-like but very spry) makes notes in leather book, working on encyclopedia of underworld phenomena, seems friendly but dispenses nothing but intentionally misleading dungeon lore
9. Highly eligible troll maiden towers over throng of suitors pitching their nauseating woo, most she rebukes with verbal crudities, the more revolting she effortlessly tears limb from limb
10. Monster dentist brandishes official dungeon pass issued by overlord, terrifying tool kit, collection of weird monster teeth, needed for emergency extraction on level 10
11. Dungeon census official, tall and gaunt humanoid with pair of luminous ocular enhancers, takes information of any encountered, notifies tax collector (see level three) via telepathy of any unauthorized looters, carries rod of summary execution, squad of bloodthirsty ghoul attendants in war harness
12. Real estate developer for dungeon overlord, human shaped but covered in glistening ebon scales, blood-red forked tongue waggling provocatively during lulls in conversation, constant unsettling smile, shows empty rooms to vampire looking for new digs