NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Six

d12
1. Gibbering warrior w/crazy eyes carries on about "the mouth in the shadows" while wandering aimlessly dragging 50' rope tied into hangman's noose
2. Powerful sorcerer, stripped of goods, nude but for sigil-inscribed underpants, huge bruised knot on forehead, still groggy after suffering recent KO at the hands of fellow adventurers
3. Ghost of former cleric just wants to talk for a minute about the good news, new revelation: the gods can (and must) be killed
4. Deeply evil but entirely reasonable witch wrapping up spell component gathering mission to nether corners of level, loaded w/various psychoactive fungi, willing to trade for interesting eldritchery
5. Radical cave giant in open revolt against dungeon powers-that-be issues rousing semi-intelligible political speech to any within earshot, will not be exploited again by dungeon autocracy, will hurl boulders only for the betterment of fellow underworld terrors
6. Unintentionally summoned demon chews necromancer haunch while taking leisurely walking tour of interesting dungeon locales
7. Paladin in semi-gleaming mail staggers a bit but looks fine until he raises his visor and its plain to see he's a walking dungeon plague vector
8. Noble surface-aristocrat-turned-expert-assassin on mission to destroy the radical cave giant (entry 5), but may actually agree w/rudimentary populism
9. Slight human form seems to be wearing shaggy sweater, no wait, its made of zillions of living chaos mosquitoes but don't worry, the being assures, they only eat a little
10. Radiant angelic form nailed to floor by iron spike through foot, bats eyelashes, politely asks for assistance
11. Wizard w/perhaps the tallest conical hat on record tries to bamboozle last healing potion from pair of wary fighters with carefully worded rationales, the lot of them multiply punctured by tiny bites of some kind
12. Warrior w/prehensile mustache, sole survivor of total party kill, willing to share location of museum loaded w/bejewelled statuary, doesn't mention that its also a breeding ground for weird chimera

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Five

d12
1. Tall fellow in high-collared black cloak looks like he wants to parley but then frog-like extensible tongue studded with razor-sharp obsidian starts darting about
2. Experimental horse-man (man-head grafted sloppily onto pony-body): escaped from lab, in search of man-horse last seen on level four and good sorcerer/surgeon
3. Noted sorcerer/surgeon, recently trampled (by entry 2), in state of general discombobulation, levitating at top speed on iron disk, every death spell available on the tip of tongue
4. General of recognizable surface force, practically aglow with enchanted arms/armor, en route to level ten under protection of brother-sister bodyguard team, each sibling master of complimentary martial art
5. World bodybuilding champion of the cave giants sporting truly staggering physique, in repose on litter borne by a platoon of ogres, eating elf-heads like grapes, separate platoon hauls portable workout rig, pretty sure everyone he sees is a big fan
6. Humanoid in hazmat suit w/insignia of sorcerer (see entry 3) runs about in a panic opening doors and screaming about "imminent core melt-down in the humanimal amalgamator"
7. Expert burglar suffering from magical amnesia can't recall where he got the face-melting wand, but doesn't feel at all comfortable about holding on to it
8. Smug warlock major domo leads crew of headless kung-fu zombies bearing broken body of escaped former paramour of celebrity witch, moving towards level four
9. Sword master from famous surface duelling school, identity shrouded by magic, hell bent on proposing marriage to medusa in nearby lair, ritual suicide blade oiled and ready in the event of rejection
10. Lone barbarian, unarmed after losing battle with pack of sphinx-dogs, lurks in shadows waiting for someone to amble by w/a huge axe or something
11. Gill-man Homeland Security Chief in dapper jellyfish leather parade dress, surrounded by personal guard, nervously makes way toward level ten anticipating assassination attempt at any moment
12. Pre-human king of antediluvian provenance, accidentally freed from stony imprisonment by interlopers from surface, flexes restored muscles by kicking the ass of anyone who happens by while mental faculties slowly come back on-line

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Four

d12
1. Three identical clones of unknown wizard, naked but for bloodstained hands, flee madly from crime scene, beards still dripping with amniotic fluid, each have terrible eyes
2. Slender human with horse head, huge flaming glaive, stitches and staples visible at ragged neckline, totes bale of hay, satchel of sugar cubes, unable to speak but taps out messages with feet
3. Freelance torturer nervously brandishing official letter from dungeon overlord heads toward level ten to begin gig, cart load of implements hauled by undead manservant
4. High priest of heinous underworld cult in tattered vestments on deity-mandated apology tour after years of mismanagement/malfeasance
5. Gill-man police detective in jellyfish leather uniform and fluid-filled glass helmet hunts gill-man assassin last seen on level two
6. Giant termite queen of surprising intellect scopes out possible sites for depositing one zillion eggs
7. Warlock with magic rope and squad of charmed humanoids, tracks movements of escaped horse-head experiment (entry 2) with extreme caution
8. Victorian gentleman explorer from adjacent dimension seeks blacksmith to repair mole-tank abandoned on level five, just unloaded revolver into dog-sized miniature sphinx to excellent effect but currently unarmed
9. Barbarian w/quite impressive mutton-chops, countless arrows and spears protruding from fur-clad body, left for dead by party, wears ring of regeneration and will be coming around any moment
10. Former lawful warrior reincarnated as hideous dungeon pixie leaves dungeon in disgust via secret exit, complains bitterly about fellow dungeoneers, now exploring level 5
11. Purveyor of fine poisons with case handcuffed to wrist, escorted to celebrity witch's lair by squad of towering headless zombies
12. Synthetic humanoid, rejected for unanticipated level of hubris, escaped mass extermination then came across bodies of adventurers killed suddenly by poison gas, now wears cloak of concealment, carries stiletto enchanted to ignore armor, 2d4 exploding gems, small fortune in gold

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Three

d12
1. Psychic sculptor: telekinetically operates rather fearsome hammer and chisel, tags dungeon walls w/obscene bas relief
2. Celebrity witch rides headless giant bat at top speed through corridors pursued by throng of gibbering humanoid fans, clearly delighted with attention
3. Delivery-giant in smart uniform puzzles over location to drop off pallet load of canned processed human meat product
4. Exhausted but still hyper-competent humanoid gladiator w/bag full of personally severed heads looks for crooked and currently missing underworld bookie to settle accounts
5. Official tax collector for the dungeon overlord: massive humanoid with giant glowing multifaceted eyes, black armor of wrought meteoric iron, posse of heavily armed leech men, adventurers commanded to instantly remit thief tax calculated on the spot by quick visual assessment of means
6. Paladin in fire-blackened plate, once-glorious hairdo burned to scalp, eyebrowless, formerly booming basso voice reduced to choked whisper, smiles crazily and keeps repeating "it wasn't a dragon!"
7. Typically precocious dark elf children, clad in superb chitin mail, armed to teeth, scamper about setting experimental man-traps for a school project despite feeble protestations by local humanoids too terrified to fully assert themselves
8. Teleportation specialist wizard and gaggle of expert cut-throats congratulate one another on recent victory against troll, squabble about loot division
9. Human mercenary in skin tight action suit w/ rapier, dagger, armor-piercing specialist of the utmost skill, leads frail bald human in stained hospital gown w/power to detect gold at 120 feet
10. Dungeon serial killer concealed by magic-enhanced camouflage bides time waiting for ideal victim, can remain motionless for hours
11.The Sword of Inquiry, intelligent relic w/personality of a chat show host, cruises the dungeon under its own power of levitation, freed from locked trunk in troll hoard by adventuring crew (see entry 8), willing to team up with the right warrior but only after extensive interview process
12. Expert monster wrangler in safari outfit meets w/ghoulish dungeon banker to discuss security options for proposed branch, site currently infested with entirely disposable humanoid population

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level Two

d12
1. Magic-user w/flaming beard howls with mad laughter, barely able to walk, propped up by several sabre-toothed ape servitors, en route to level ten in great haste, adventuring rabble quite beneath contempt
2. Ogre field medic carrying black doctor's bag, extensive surface-war experience, will exchange dicey healing skills for cash, loves to dicker while patients bleed out
3. Underworld ranger moves noiselessly through dungeon on courier mission for petty boss, cuts down any who even momentarily impede progress, wax-sealed scroll contains pathetic plea for a couple of days worth of black lotus tar
4. The Masked Pamphleteer: exceedingly nimble, all-concealing ninja-like garb, glass globes filled with poison gas, flits about distributing latest anti-dungeon-hierarchy screed, slipping them beneath doors, leaving piles by watering holes, at pit bottom, etc.
5. Disembodied troll head painstakingly lips and tongues its way back to level three to rejoin the rest of its body, presumably still locked in combat with teleportation specialist and armed associates
6. Intelligent cephalopod in tank on litter borne by squad of fishman warriors discusses alliance with humanoid field marshals planning coup
7. Evil faith healer from underworld temple offers services in exchange for oaths of fealty/monetary sacrifice, cautions all re: highly unreliable new-fangled battlefield medicine as practiced by ogre (see entry 2)
8. Warrior with face melted by eldritch sorcery staggers to and fro senselessly, has no mouth but would love to warn adventurers of mind-bending dangers on level three
9. Intelligent giant lizard capable of speech attempts to convince adventurers to exterminate nearby colony of giant beetles with taste for intelligent lizard eggs, beetles keep getting more intelligent with every devoured clutch
10. Evil merchant with two black eyes and blood streaming from nose staggers in a panic, carrying on about ruination, fleeing confrontation w/extremely dissatisfied vampire customer, travel sack loaded with concentrated wealth
11. Multi-talented entertainer with cadre of hangers-on dragging trunks full of costumes, musical instruments, theatrical props, flees toward secret passage to surface, subject to summary execution following seditious portrayal of dungeon overlord
12. Gill-man in jellyfish leather togs and fluid-filled glass dome helmet w/wicked black trident walks razor-tusked walrus on retractable tether while chatting with star-struck gaggle of humanoid royals about assassinating intelligent cephalopod from entry 6.

NPC Encounters: Dungeon Level One

d12
1. High level wizard in full regalia, torn, blood-spattered, black-feathered arrows in back, out of spells, dazed and desperate, clutches still-smoking wand of fireballs with single charge remaining
2. Mystic levitating in lotus position, zooms through dungeon in search of (presumed dead) acolyte charmed into joining band of upstart scoundrels, issues brief but trenchant verbal dressing-down to any adventurers
3. Furious pirate captain w/squad of the vilest sea-dogs conducts brutal search for pick-pocket who slithered below with enchanted sextant, cutlasses drip with vital fluids of the last one to refuse questioning
4. Ogre with new found culinary passion has no interest in dispatching surface dwellers despite extremely ferocious appearance, will trade notched war axe for wine/spices/cooking equipment, found dead body of acolyte (see entry 2) and wants to do something really special with it
5. Impaled warrior still on feet despite near-total blood loss thinks he remembers where he dropped a sack of huge gems
6. Junior thieves hide in shadows while moving silently having stolen the kobold czar's silver circlet as part of an initiation ritual, unfortunately for them the relic glows powerfully through any wrapping
7. Mayor of nearby town in false mustache and cloak w/giant bodyguard (hairless and mute but just rippling with bone-cracking muscles), dismissed from latest mandatory secret meeting with dungeon overlord, human sacrifice demands doubled
8. Barbarian w/gore-smeared bastard sword goes to great lengths to get adventurers to indicate direction of exit while concealing total bewilderment, suggestions that he might be lost illicit foaming over-reaction
9. Quite powerful witch from across the way (accompanied by pair of towering headless kung-fu zombies) awaits arrival of local celebrity witch, irritation increases with each passing minute
10. Knight with crumpled helm and caved-in cuirass crawls toward the exit muttering about the "fist from below"
11. Thief concealing enchanted sextant (see entry 3) rushes to lower levels to meet underworld connections, knows secret way through the Corridor of Twenty Traps
12. Swarm of dark elf children tethered together by neck-harnesses scamper about snake-like having escaped their keeper, a ghastly troll hag now desperate enough to ask surface folk for assistance

Wandering Vampires

d12
1. Gyrnos of Antedeluvia, vampire sage: so ancient/hideous he stays enshrouded by ebon wrappings, dedicated to accumulation of knowledge but also very very thirsty, allows adventurers to bargain for lives by telling him something he doesn't already know, zero sense of humor remaining
2. Trio of blood sucking dolts: hapless goofballs in mortal life, still mentally negligible in undeath, sleep crammed into single coffin they carry around with them, duped by even the most ludicrous ruse
3. Sister Zrinlava: former high priestess of lawful cult now cruising around the underworld in full-blown spiritual crisis, begs any adventurer-clergy for purification while weeping pitifully, inevitable failure followed by explosive rage
4. Yolo Tensalian, once a thief: skills honed by centuries of aimless pick-pocketry, carries random assortment of recently harvested treasures w/special emphasis on key-rings, not averse to parley for own amusement, devastating back-of-the-neck attack
5. Bat-face Boros: unable to fully master shape change ability, attempts to compensate by maintaining impeccably fashion forward image, collection of baroque masks, feeds only upon the stunningly beautiful
6. Dr. Satirion: in guise of benevolent wandering phlebotomist, exchanges valuable dungeon tips for pints, 50% chance of feeding frenzy if anyone actually agrees to terms
7. Gaggle of recently created vampires, bored aristocrats from nearest metropolis, search in vain for master who regrets this particular binge deeply, dodges them and will pay adventurers to see to their destruction
8. The Vampire Connoisseur: may choose to feed upon party member in exquisite physical condition but most filthy murderhoboes beneath consideration, eager to make finger-wagging presentation complete with diet and exercise recommendations to improve health and render blood suitable for consumption
9. Mujisto, vampire politician: silver-tongued devil travels from domain to domain, outlining semi-visionary plans for uniting factions into unstoppable coalition, burgeoning fan-base, assassinating him wins favor with evil princelings and petty bosses
10. Prala the former scullery maid: just wants to follow the party around meekly until such time as one of them perishes, then savage feeding, thorough tidying
11. Strax, art vampire: locked into obsessive behavioral cycle where he roams the underworld fiefdoms, indulges tyrants and top-dogs with self-aggrandizing portraiture, then eats them, lately word has gotten around, perhaps the party would like a group shot to commemorate their delve?
12. Blargon the Vampire Barbarian: naked but for fur action shorts, iron thews visible through semi-translucent skin crisscrossed with scars, gore-soaked battle axe, easily offended

Knights Best Avoided

d12
1. Sir Blagdor the Irrepressible: hyper-alert for anything remotely resembling a challenge, likes to strip off armor for bare-knuckle brawling, Greco-Roman wrestling, wears bejewelled championship girdle of ogre power
2. The Knight of Green Malaise, cursed to constantly exude verdant mist of somnolence, emerges from preternatural lassitude whenever PC warriors begin to come into their strength and need knocking down a peg or two, returns to mystic lair for a good fortnight's slumber
3. Sir Chandox, clandestine relationship with shipping guild and several other commercial enterprises, pursues quests as suggested by board of trustees to maximize war profiteering opportunities
4. Sir Orostu, the elephant-riding knight: serves the Lords of the Savannah and honors them by challenging all comers to exceedingly lopsided jousts, Guanto the elephant wields massive flail w/trunk
5. Ignossus of the Waxing Moon: very tall, slender, hairless and gray w/pale yellow armor, claims to act on behalf of lunar monarchy to defeat and demoralize earth men, spouts off about coming invasion and makes elegant arguments for humankind to just throw in the towel
6. Sir Farsifal the Lecherous: clumsy practitioner of courtly love, instantly smitten by undying devotion again and again, ruthlessly terminates perceived rivals, enemies everywhere
7. Sir Nosar the hill giant knight: created by highly irresponsible monarch just to increase regional mayhem, clad in fabulously huge custom plate, jousts unmounted, notches in ebon club indicate unmatched duelling record
8.  The Knight Impostor: unknown champion of chaos w/illusionist ally, huge collection of helmets, shows up in guise of famous knights (or PC warriors) to sow confusion and sully reputations
9. Sir Hedrick the Clueless: incredible self-confidence matched only by intellectual limitations, seldom comprehends current situation but always pretends to, famously gullible, hapless patsy in many outrages engineered by the wicked, speech consists entirely of catchphrases picked up over the years
10. Sir Throndos, Champion of the Accused: misguided sense of justice, demands trial by arms to prove innocence of even the demonstrably evil, really quite good at most types of fighting
11. Sir Haknoth the Insufferable: humility snuffed out by unbroken string of victories, you know he's boasting wildly if his lips are moving, trolling for duels 24/7, colossal mace, bad breath
12. The Dead Knight: seemingly animated by pure devotion to duty, continues to serve crown and country despite having fallen in battle long, long ago, martial skill unaffected by advanced state of decomposition

Just Getting In the Dungeon is Brutal

d12
1. Must drain chalice of hot poison for magical entry, saving throw required
2. Via the Queen's magic mirror which leads to the dragon's magic mirror, wherever he's keeping it these days
3. Teleported in by anointing head with the blood of the Ogre Czar
4. Pass through permanent dimension door at the top of a 1000 meter tree
5. Locate dungeon door only in dream state induced by exceedingly rare cave fungus that grows on hell hound droppings
6. Leap through the top floor window in the Spider-lich's spire
7. Mega-swarm of moon moths provide lift to cloud door if first charmed by series of elaborate rituals w/plenty of dancing and blood sacrifice
8. Navigate reeking sewer-maze beneath the city of extinct titans
9. Only known entrance at the base of inverted pyramid on the moon
10. An arch-devil must agree to show you the way
11. Unlocked door in the wall of cavern thousands of feet beneath the ocean surface, ancestral burial ground of the intelligent cephalopods
12. Monumental excavation effort requiring huge labor force toiling night and day for months, all the while terror-mummies claw their way up from the deep sands

It's in the Unmarked Barrel

d12
1. Pickled adventurer, fully equipped, reactivated by removal from (reusable) suspension-brine
2. Dwarf hands in aspic intended for delivery to ogre pot-luck
3. Shrieker spores: enough to choke several dungeons with the fungal menaces
4. Black pudding! No, wait, its just super-condensed balsamic-type vinegar, sweet, unctuous, worth a small fortune to the right buyer
5. Super-premium virgin blood, slightly clotted
6. Preserved cave fish, theoretically edible but the unholy stench sticks to everything it touches pretty much forever
7. Shelf-stable red dragon bile, entire barrel dipped in wax, immolates on exposure to air
8. Maturing red pepper mash of the most blisteringly spicy variety
9. Thirty-seven ancient ghosts, imprisoned with enchanted sigils on inside of lid
10. Hemlock fizz intercepted en route to philosophers' convention
11. Powdered quick-dry cement with cask of activator fluid nearby
12. Fermented cave mollusk beverage used by stone giants for its mild hallucinogenic propeties, humans who sample the brew sit down and never get up again

NPC Encounters: Deep Forest

d12
1. Yarth Creedle, famous bounty hunter with 100% success record: lost, starving, delusional, seeking elusive pixie war criminal for a faerie tribunal, grill full of gold teeth, rod of fugitive detection out of charges
2. The Levitating Hermit: singular power of geas to compel tough-looking strangers to seek his wayward hermit-bride on the far side of the forest, homebrewed potion to cure her current state of murderous insanity
3. Ungbelly the panacea purveyor: half-pixie snake oil salesman with cart full of random potions, cure-alls, balms, salves, unguents, got high on own supply, abandoned by hirelings, hiding from vicious goblin creditors
4. Blang the intelligent T-rex: distended skull with Frankensteinian scars/bolts/staples, network of paths beaten into hunting grounds surrounding fancy bower bird-like nest, attempts communication using chewed log as stylus for drawing in dirt, only requires one party member or beast of burden in exchange for safe passage
5. Epimentus the All-Wise: clad only in his own expansive beard, charismatic guru to gaggle of tree house dwelling hunter-gatherers (city folk swept up in back to nature movement), recently fallen on hard times, needs cutthroats to assist in maintaining communal harmony by silencing doubters
6. Aquedayn Slowneedle: lives in petrified tree trunk, able to divine future through automatic tattooing on knowledge seekers, the more information desired, the greater percentage of the body must be inked, 100% chance of infection
7. Vivishek: toga clad philosopher ape, leaps onto scene spoiling for a good debate, has variety of spells ready to augment his arguments
8. Buzhwa Tightpurse: merchant prince abducted by bugbears, chewed through bonds to escape, tattered finery corroborates claims of opulence, offers hefty reward for escort to nearby metropolis where he will assassinate his father for failure to pay ransom in a timely fashion
9. Juku: man born with prehensile tail, left society in disgust following lifelong persecution by tail-haters, taken in by forest apes but recently left them in disgust as well, seeks thrills, deadly accuracy with blowgun
10. Halulla, high priestess to gaggle of peace-loving nudist vegetarians in thrall to petty forest deity, subsist by gathering herbs from supernaturally fertile zone protected by giant ring of anti-monster brambles, deity requires single human sacrifice monthly to become one with the loam via transubstantiation ritual
11. Jumwal the forest imp: three feet tall, six feet w/conical wizard hat, travelling salesman of stuff taken from lost caravans, rides/protected by charmed giant python loaded with crates, yodels out musical price list while cruising along fearlessly
12. Okham the Razor: super-competent assassin drummed out of guild and marked for death following violation of needlessly complex regulations, sent by Hofnor Tightpurse to preemptively rub out his missing son (see entry 8)

Terrible Eyes

d12
1. Emit constant shower of blinding sparks as arc welder when enraged
2. Float around independent of head on extra-long optic nerves
3. Cast visible rays in cone allowing all present to see through objects and beings like shared X-ray vision
4. Literally smoldering, red embers falling and putting unsightly holes in villainous attire
5. Eye sockets dilate hideously, eyes roll back, pie plate size hypno-disks lock in place and activate
6. Huge eyes, dual voices emanating from great pupils opening and closing like mouths
7. Flash with high intensity light in strobe patterns, inducing delirium, seizure
8. Crackling with arcs of electricity that lock onto and track those targeted for death-dealing
9. Rainbow-hued beams cascade forth, reducing those struck to a giddy lethargy
10. From ragged empty sockets weird fog spews forth unceasingly
11. Stream with perpetual tears of self-pity that burn like acid
12. Deep shimmering pools of highly contagious despair

Synthetic Humanoids 3: The Outer Crust

Once you've got the weird head sorted and have monkeyed around with the general body plan to taste, one must consider matters of presentation.

d12
1. Nigh-impenetrable exoskeletal containment suit
2. Exceedingly flamboyant pirate outfits
3. Up-to-the-minute setting-appropriate fashions by the world's hottest designers
4. Old school superheroic outfit (with cape) emblazoned with insignia of master (exterior underpants optional)
5. Martian-style war harness w/assortment of the latest and greatest in death-dealing technology
6. Naked but for a thoroughly-stocked utility belt
7. Extremely pointy-toed steel shoes, extensible
8. Torn and filthy rags to serve as constant reminder of their wretched servitude
9. White hazmat coveralls with black rubber gloves and booties
10. G-string and bandoliers
11. Razor-sharp steel bristles from epidermis like shaggy fur
12. Jack Kirby shorts

Synthetic Humanoids 2: Body Plan Alterations

Having arrived at an agreeable weird head, the bio-sorcerer must next decide upon what fearsome alterations to impose upon the standard human body plan.

d12
1.  Eight human arms radiating from torso, no legs, galloping palms nearly noiseless, rears up for combat w/ up to six weapons, burst into rousing applause when victorious
2. Grossly elongated torso for snaky maneuverability, disorienting opponents, whip-like attacks
3. Standard body plan but rippling with grotesquely huge muscles, visibly throbbing blood vessels, perpetual mist of perspiration
4. One giant mantis arm to seize you, one human arm to eviscerate you with a scimitar
5. Standard arms and torso, 10d10 tentacles instead of legs, incredibly speedy over land and sea
6. Top half: as per standard, bottom half: lobster
7. Standard human-shape but composed of single colossal cell, distorts shape only at need, semi-permeable cell wall extrudes attack organelles 
8.  2d4 headless human bodies controlled by single disembodied, levitating head (alter original weird head to taste)
9. Spring-like leg extensions allow for explosive leaps as grasshopper/flea
10. Four short legs for enhanced stability plus swivel hip for 360 degree attacks
11. Unnaturally long slender limbs, emaciated trunk, composed of high density tissues for astonishing strength
12. Shrunken, withered, almost vestigial human form, hovers via leathery wings flapping hummingbird-style, puny hands just capable of operating short bow/raygun/Walther PPK

Enchanted Armor, Unusual

d12
1. Mail composed of living steel shelled crabs: gift of the sea gods, crabs lock together, shifting position on host to repel blows collectively
2. Bound stone elemental exo-skeleton: enhances strength, endurance, weighs a literal ton
3. Cloak of rat skulls: loaded with weaponry-warding fetish magic, usable by sorcerers
4. Black pudding jump suit: subspecies bred by perfectly sensible sorcerer, burns like hell going on, but once attuned to wearer provides protection from attacks, damages enemy weapons, proof against cold
5. Suit of mail crafted from the 100 magic spear points that pierced the first dragon: superior protection but dragons attack wearer on sight
6. Magic lacquer derived from titan bone marrow must be applied to skin in no fewer than 100 layers, remains flexible but many times stronger than steel, completely transparent
7. Symbiotic briers: thorns penetrate the host, drawing forth nourishment, thick vines wrap limbs/torso, poisonous thorns extend outward
8. Chest plate and greaves sculpted from the fossilized bones of extinct antediluvian reptile, boosts strength and resentment for all that still lives
9. Birny of scales from the wise trout of the great river: enhances intellect, charm, allows wearer to swim with piscine speed and agility
10. Multiple full-body dips in the rendered wax of the moon-bee (with artful sculpting around joints) offers ablative armor, simulates low gravity leaping and loping
11. Scale armor made of chrome leaves of the Cosmic Shrub offer superb protection until autumn when they rust and slough off
12. Mail fashioned of ringlets of angel hair: turns the swords of those of ill intent, radiates light, constricts painfully should wearer attempt an evil act

Synthetic Humanoids 1: Weird Heads

A templar of the Mindless God NUL, head replaced by aerial to recieve
orders transmitted from temple, no independent thinking required.

 

Bio-sorcerers sometimes replace the standard human head for purposes of sensory enhancement, additional attack forms, remote control or just to freak people out.

d12
1. Extensible aerial receiver
2. Elaborately antlered stag skull (flames optional)
3. Thousands of waving sensillae
4. Rotating radar dish
5. Polished steel ball crackling with electricity
6. Tentacular array with mouth-ends
7. Glass dome filled with swirling semi-opaque gases
8. Human-style head mounted upside down
9. Single retractable slug-like eye stalk
10. Slavering, toothless earthworm head
11. Bio-luminescent searchlight (swivels 360 degrees)
12. Old school black and white television set with fuzzy image of creator's face, tinny speakers howling with the cruel laughter of the totally unhinged science-wizard

Random Underworld Ecosystem Part Three

Sprinkle With Predators

d12
1. Cavern-filling apex ooze: central mass controls seemingly independent oozes that hunt and return w/partially digested offerings
2. Pack hunting giant armored shrews: armadillo-like defensive shells, perpetually famished, relentless hunters, use intimate knowledge of cave layout to encircle prey
3. Colossal blind floating phagocytes: always ravenous due to caloric requirements of anti-gravity organelles
4. Naked flightless birds: super-dense beaks take up most of head, shatter stone with ease, excavate nests in cave walls, "doors" made gluing rubble with saliva, crystal-studded eggs sought after by sorcerers
5. Shark slugs: drop onto prey from walls or ceiling, adhere to prey with sticky slime, massive toothy jaws
6. Giant hairless bears: huge bat-like ears, vestigial eye spots, echolocation, scimitar-sized retractable claws
7. Shambling gourmets: tall, lanky, ghoulish humanoids in kitchen attire with super-refined culinary aesthetic, always seek fresh/interesting stock for their terrible pantries, autocratic rule by 12' tall executive chef
8. Flesh eating giant apes with semi-domesticated captive population of black puddings in ancient crystal vats used for digestive assistance on otherwise inedible prey
9. Vampiric cave anemones: house bodies deep in cave walls, send out mile-long feeding tentacles, anesthetic saliva delays detection by victim
10. Gas jet propelled cave echidnae: launch themselves at prey, barbed spines kill smaller prey on impact, attach to larger beasts for prolonged parasitism
11. Pit pummelers: like bipedal rhinos with disproportionately huge fists and tiny stupid heads, beat prey to pulp then slurp it up with extensible hollow tongues
12. Cave juicers: shelled mollusks with high speed rotary jaws for liquidating even the toughest tissues, powerful lungs create inescapable vacuum effect up to 10 feet from mouth

Note: Predators indicated above should (somehow!) be adapted as necessary by the DM to suit the peculiarities of their prey (see Random Underworld Ecosystem Parts One and Two, posted below)

Really Very Bad Hirelings

For when the adventurers' fail to employ rigorous employee screening protocols. NPCs in the table appear as unremarkable hireling candidates at first glance.

d12
1. Sandrill the Secret Serial Killer: passes self off as unskilled labor, contrives moment of privacy with party member who fits his profile (see subtable below)
2. Hagbath the Hateful: seethes with self-destructive resentment against adventuring class citing past atrocities, bides time as torchbearer until the party is half way across a rope bridge or similarly compromised
3. Yong-Tsuth, vaguely creepy guy who never says anything until the first significant treasure is recovered, then slowly smiles, revealing rows of shark-like teeth 
4. Tyrion, assassin from the future, sent to rub out the mighty PC warrior (or wizard, thief, war-priest, etc.) fated to trigger the disastrous Next Age of Dinosaurs, death ray projector secreted in sarong
5. Thungo, barbarian with dungeon-triggered psychosis, seeks to re-enter underworld against shaman's advice to face his demons head on, barbarian style; once below: totally bonkers
6. Dox the Dreadful: hollowed-out brain case occupied by crew of tiny parasitic aliens/demons, skull springs open if in grave danger, occupants bail out and attempt to flee
7. Suukor the Clandestine Cannibal: provides perfectly adequate service, cannot resist urge to feast upon human flesh but at least tries to be discrete about it.
8. Unbalanced Aluk: afflicted with earworm-induced vertigo, seems able until first set of stairs, slope, cliff or gradient, then just keeps falling down in increasingly spectacular ways
9. Sheerfy, short term memory loss suffering bearer: dutifully hauls goods/treasure, inevitably leaves something juicy behind after every break, melee
10. Huranth, megalomaniacal man-at-arms: waits for the perfect moment to announce ambitions, attempts to take command of party through rather charismatic speechifying, points out blunders of PC leadership, lampoons PC foibles, issues general mockery (you've earned this one, DM)
11. Turncoat Trantur: will attempt to change sides when faced with any superior force, including those who would kill him without a thought
12. Uurorion, seemingly typical ex-soldier, actually physical manifestation of deity conducting personal audit of PC worshipper/clergy conduct, miraculously survives incidents that leave fellow hirelings lifeless husks, renders suitably harsh judgement at adventure's end

Sandrill the Secret Serial Killer's Victim Profile
d6
1. Savors the termination of those who represent the pure, strong and noble
2. Likes to take out the sketchy ones
3. Enthralled by retiring the greedy
4. Thrills to the death rattles of the holy
5. Thinks he gets to eat the escaping mana of the magical
6. Wants to expand his lucky hobbit's foot collection

NPC Features: Distinguishing Scars

d12
1. Several hundred deep puncture scars from unfortunate iron maiden encounter
2. Tentacle sucker marks on face and torso, wears hat made from kraken beak
3. Spear-hole in both sides of neck, likes to smoke pipe for gruesome effect
4. Thick ragged scar from top of head to left heel, doesn't want to talk about it
5. Giant "X" on abdomen where spleen was removed by evil physician for an unknown purpose
6. Healed dragon fang hole clean through skull, resultant brain damage rendered subject permanently cheerful and obedient
7. Jagged chew marks all over but ultimately rejected for consumption by finicky owlbear
8. Decorative splotches from run-in with fire pudding
9. Branded with insignia of notorious slaver, still on the wanted list
10. Hairless and shrivelled after exposure to caustic gas, cheery, smiles a lot despite hacking cough
11. Many, many septic rat bites still on the mend
12. Large percentage of skull replaced by thick bronze plate after incident with trebuchet, still owes dwarf healer a fortune

Half-Price Hirelings

For when every copper counts.

d12
1. Halifam the Half-hobbled: enchanted peg-leg allows one spectacular jump (as spell) per day, d6 roll required (1-5 leap succeeds, 6 peg-leg falls off)
2. "Left Eye" Lopux: half of face sheered off on last outing, constantly sips tincture of healing potion/grain alcohol
3. Sheefah of the obscuring robe: actually mid-level fighter in witness protection program, feigns incompetence unless and until her life is actually in danger, then looks out for numero uno, abandoning party ruthlessly
4. "That Impaled Fellow": prematurely applied healing potion left this humble soldier with completely healed wound around shamshir clean through abdomen
5. Sword Face: origin story as entry 4, but able to make additional attack per round w/longsword coming out of his face blade-first
6. Half-cocked Harry: absolutely trembling with pent-up martial enthusiasm, will charge headlong into first combat opportunity he sees
7. Flaegra, priestess from exotic realm: on pilgrimage of self-nullification, taking on menial/dangerous tasks such as hauling treasure, carrying torches, under oath to never use considerable powers
8. Odal the unwashed: a bog warrior who lavishes his skin with all manner of reeking morasses, mires, bog waters and sloughs
9. "Spiderbite" Sanzorr: neck and shoulder grossly swollen w/leaking welts, only one good arm, froths at the mouth a bit
10. Mighty Bleena: possibly the world's strongest woman, suffered series of concussions earlier in career (still refuses to wear helmet), becomes confused in battle, 50% likely to mistakenly hammer friendlies in melee
11. Adhokk the unbidden advisor: spews forth continuous stream of dungeoneering tips and pointers, quits in a huff if told to stifle himself
12. Ol' Dungeon Toes: afflicted with dungeon equivalent of trench foot, good for a couple of turns before he sits down immovably

Random Underworld Ecosystem Part Two

The Next Level: Herbivore Equivalents

1. Land mollusks:  herds of great-horned slugs,  flocks of aero-snails with fuselage-like shells, gas jet propulsion
2. Mice, moles, voles: from tiny to giant, cute, non-aggressive, scamper at impossible speeds and reproduce like nobody's business
3. Huge, revolting, acid-vomiting flightless house flies
4. Ambulating land plecostomus
5. Dungeon goats with mutations like iron teeth, ten stomachs, rhino-like armor
6. Giant grazing lizards: uninterested in melee combat, skittish, easily provoked into lethal stampede
7. Lower dungeon apes: stalactite dwelling sub-monkeys, shrieking, bug-eyed prosimians
8. Grazing ooze: nearly motionless when feeding, careless adventurers could blunder right into one
9. Dungeon fairies: build massive spiked hives, process food source into honey-like product
10. Schools of shrimp-like crustaceans swarming about the walls, floors and ceilings, rudimentary collective intelligence
11. Toddling, morbidly obese flightless bats with shrunken vestigial wings and defensive chaos-stench
12. Elusive herds of black and gray camouflaged miniature zebras, will kick like hell with razor-edged hoofs if cornered, wicked mohawk manes indicate position in hierarchy

note: results indicated above must somehow be rationalized with the results of a roll on Random Underworld Ecosystem Part One: Base of the Food Chain . Use your DM powers!

Random Underworld Ecosystem Part One

Base of the Food Chain
d12
1. Nutritious but extremely mutagenic Chaos juice bubbling up from source deep below
2. Murdered and stashed body of lesser god slowly decaying
3. Giant fungus that mimics fruit, attracts surface herbivores, bestows Underworld survival adaptations
4. Swarms of land krill continuously produced by spontaneous generation in central font
5. Gigantic, semi-sentient and very tasty anaerobic bacterial colonies flourishing around volcanic vents
6. Radiation from ancient meteorite promotes growth of mobile slime colonies
7. Magically reanimated spectral plants sustain undead herbivores
8. Waste from dragon's lair on mountainside above, deposited daily by slaves
9. Black micro-sun in central cavern nourishes jungle of black and purple ferns
10. Sentient radiant gas cloud playing god
11. Reality breach/wormhole in cave wall allows frequently delicious alien bioforms to spew forth
12. Giant stockpile of super-nutritive chow awaiting arrival of space-borne army of conquest but breached and exploited by cave scavengers

Less Lethal Forms of the Undead

d12
1. Spectral informant: semi-detached observers of mortal activity, take perverse pleasure in revealing embarrassing/illegal/top secret tidbits to interested parties
2. The Famished Dead: epicurean spirits perpetually hankering for fine dining, known to show up and ruin fancy meals
3. Zombie, indifferent: stagger to and fro aimlessly, remain utterly clueless even if attacked
4. Quasi-lich: animate remains of once-powerful sorcerer, arcane energies depleted utterly in defeat of death, fascinating conversationalists
5. Vampire, tiny: strength of 20 pixies, able to turn into a mosquito or a wee little puff of vapor, command mice, shrews, insects
6. Robber ghouls: dungeon muggers with no interest whatever in the flesh of the living, in it strictly for the money
7. Idiot spirits: created when certifiable fools perish in an especially stupid way, cannot figure out how to get to the afterlife without assistance
8. Invisible voyeur: detectable only by magic, they just like to watch
9. Ghosts of extinct animal types from the Cambrian explosion: bitter about status as evolutionary culs-de-sac, harmlessly vent their eternal anguish while appearing weird and scary
10. Undead Poet's Society: gather bi-weekly for interminable readings at scenic Underworld locations, its a wonder how modestly talented wordsmiths improve given a few hundred extra years of practice 
11. Ghost fungus: grows unceasingly on spirits of the living, causing random alignment confusion in the infected
12. Angry Skulls: when skeletons are left on duty well past their sell-by date they eventually lose their limbs to wear and tear, becoming mere floating skulls with bits of spinal column attached, still performing their assigned tasks, attacking adventurers with impotent phantom limbs

Requested by Andrew May

Missing Ingredient for the Emergency Antidote

d12
1. Ectoplasmic residue from a friendly ghost
2. Essence of solar flare
3. Cornea of a gorgon
4. One dozen pixie brains, whole
5. Flop sweat from the brow of currently reigning monarch
6. Werewolf vomit
7. Infected tooth of a giant
8. Pineal gland of a soothsayer whose uncanny prescience disallows surprise attack of any kind
9. Vial of tears from an innocent prior to execution
10. Two Cockatrice egg whites, beaten to stiff peaks
11. Willingly donated venom from the scorpion queen's stinger
12. First bud of spring from the uppermost branch of the colossal oak which also happens to house two competing clans of sentient giant wasps

Requested by John Harris

Even More Planes of Existence

1. Sub-atomica: subspatial zone where Quarkmen lasso wild string and wrangle them into new formations, a reality farm from which it is rumored all other planes originated

2. Energy Plane: crackling with galaxy-sized sparks and lightning bolts, this zone hums with raw power devoid of purpose, a cosmic battery inhabited by incorporeal entities, dispassionate minds and cosmic observers, secure in the knowledge they could unleash unimaginable destructive forces if ever subject to extra-planar menace of any kind

3. Animist World: a quite lively place wherein every single object, creature, plant, etc., including anything brought by visitors, is a living spirit, you will hear moans and complaints from your boots, your large sack and ten foot pole have some opinions they've been meaning to share, and so forth

4. Forbidden Plane: this unknown zone must contain some incredible secret, because divine or otherwise supremely powerful beings, entities that agree on little or nothing else, abide by the strictest code of silence regarding this place, swiftly suppressing any information that may fall into mortal hands by any means necessary

5. Platonic Realm of Form and Essence: here the ideal beholder uses perfectly realized eyebeams to destroy essential adventurers

6. Neutral Zone: in this little known cosmos beings from various other realities arrange to meet and come to terms, no violence can exist here and implements of war and destructive powers simply wink out of existence upon entry

7. Seat of Inter-planar Government: a reality composed entirely of majestic classical marble fora, abandoned but for the mournful spirits of cosmic legislators past.

8. Theokosmos: an extremely isolated universe occupied almost entirely by attention-starved gods, demigods, and heroes, depopulated of minions, worshippers and underlings by an impartial demiurge

9. Entropic Plane: the realm of true chaos, seething, frothing, mindless, but forever spewing forth novelty, not a place to actually enter, but rather an inexhaustible resource to tap for its wild potency

10. Pharmocopia: world of the drug takers, they have a pill, tablet, IV drip, suppository, syringe, eyedropper, etc. for absolutely everything, an endlessly bleak urban landscape, everything, including raw materials for their unmatched chemical production facilities, must be secured via interplanar trade, some say Mighty Zues himself cannot face the day without a mood-stabilizing Pharmocopian smoothie

11. Gonzopia: this lozenge-shaped continent floating in the aether hosts incongruous and incompatible beings from every corner of the multiverse, look, there's Darth Vader having a conversation with Ronald McDonald and Thor!

12. Funhouse Mirror Universe: Mr. Spock has a beard, paladins spear puppies for amusement, vampires devote themselves to the betterment of their fellow beings, angels will burn you to a cinder with blazing eyebeams just for looking in their direction, great white sharks breech the waters only to vomit cotton candy, etc

There are No Hobbits in this World

Exceedingly optional replacements for the small, nimble, elusive and pipeweed-toking wee folk.
All entries below assumed to be 3 1/2 feet tall or less.

d12
1. Living totem: animated by shaman for mission fulfilled ages ago, free will granted, now seek thrills, can combine into towering uber-creature with fellow living totems at need
2. Australopithecus: limited intellectually but extremely quick/agile, tireless, shaky morale due to stronger than human instinct for self-preservation, attack bonus with specially crafted throwing-bones
3. Half-fairy: occur when human and fairy or pixie somehow get it on, vestigial wings allow for enhanced jumps, proof against falling, inherent magical abilities (light, charm, spells of bamboozlement) increase with experience
4. Pumpkinhead Jacks: when Oliver Twist-like street urchins fall in the line of duty they sometimes return as child-size quasi-dead beings with jack-o-lantern heads and huge chips on their shoulders
5. The Devil's grandchildren: flaming skulls for heads but otherwise halfling-like wee demons unleashed for a long-forgotten purpose, now roam the earth looking for trouble
6. Anthropomorphic wolverine (cigar chomping optional)
7. Enlightened giant rats w/eerily human-like hands (Brown Jenkin style)
8. Semi-anthropomorphic bats, incapable of flight due to wings re-evolved into usable hands, but may glide like flying squirrel with connecting skin flaps, all ears and nose, excellent with missile weapons due to echolocation
9. Pocket mummies: mysterious undead remnants of a time-lost race of hobbit-ish creatures, now hoard magics to someday revive glorious Shires of antiquity
10. Bug-heads: diminutive chaos beings under an ancient curse, halfling-shaped but with random insect heads (d6: 1 praying mantis, 2 dragonfly nymph, 3 warrior termite, 4 stag beetle, 5 horsefly, 6 moth), reproduce at alarming rate, always slipping off to lay clutch of new eggs
11. Ever-so-slightly anthropomorphic giant pill bugs: simulate bipedal locomotion with two pairs of rear legs, excellent natural armor, prefer dignified fighting w/rapier & stiletto, can roll like the dickens
12. Marmoset men: surprisingly vicious in unarmed combat, strong magical aptitude, like fancy hats and scarves

Requested by Dungeon Smash

Weird Dungeon Fog

d12
1. Depilatory fog: released by a deranged sorcerer for an unknown purpose, roams corridors searching for the hirsute
2. Fog of Sticky Accretion: lengthy exposure reveals adhesive build up on surfaces, swords stick in their scabbards, the friendly shoulder-pat becomes a drawn out affair
3. Fog bank that is actually a swarm of microscopic winged crustaceans, able to strip corpses in seconds
4. Hygroscopic fog: sucks the moisture from living beings for dessication damage, lethal to slugmen
5. Fog Bank of the Impromptu Dance: compels those within to gyrate rhythmically for 1d6 minutes, if engaged in combat: dance fight!
6. Luxuriant Vapors of Cleanliness: often located in basins, tubs and sealed chambers, soothes, calms and renders impeccably spic and span
7. Black fog: a roving patch of total darkness (as spell, but can be dispersed by wind/other disturbances)
8. Swirling Banks of Obfuscation: arcane fog generally invoked to add another layer of security to hidden treasures and secrets, also employed to further conceal pits and other deathtraps
9. Vernal Mist of Enlightenment: dungeon secrets enter the brains of those exposed via osmosis
10. Fog of Amnesia: renders those within its influence utterly clueless until they escape, wizards lose random spells
11. Fog of Eros: arouses otherwise latent passions, especially efficacious on the most repressed personalities
12. Hot volcanic fog: looks normal, burns like hell

Note: Just knocking the rust of the ol' blog today, warming up recently disused d12 muscles. Next up: I begin working through requests.

Secret Party House of the Hill Giant Playboy

The hideous slugbear, a terror featured in Secret Party House of the Hill Giant Playboy

Stand by to download your copy of Secret Party House of the Hill Giant Playboy, your belated holiday gift from the management here at the Dungeon Dozen. It's a 20 (digest-size) page PDF adventure statted for Swords & Wizardry but of course compatable with any old school-type fantasy RPG. Please check it out!
CLICK HERE:
Party House of the Hill Giant Playboy PDF
New link to slightly edited version: art added, deleted, typos corrected, sentence fragments left well enough alone

Huge thanks to everyone who made suggestions for future d12 tables. The request line remains open so if you've got something you'd like to see tackled Dungeon Dozen style, don't hesitate to comment. Regular bloggery will resume shortly....

Blog-o-versary and other announcements

From Secret Party House of the Hill Giant Playboy, coming soon.

The Dungeon Dozen turned one year old this month. It's been a fun year and I'd like to express my gratitude to everyone who's taken the time to read, comment and/or help me promote this blog. To celebrate I'm taking a short break to recharge the ol' batteries and attend to some other pressing and not-so-pressing matters, including a short adventure I hope to post here on or around the 25th as a holiday gift to readers.
Also, THE REQUEST LINES ARE OPEN! If you have any ideas/wants/needs for a d12 table please suggest away in the comments and I'll do what I can to deliver once I get back on the stick.
Thanks again, everyone!

The Dragon: Entirely Reasonable Demands

d12
1. Must be honored with the celebration of elaborate festivals
2. To be depicted upon all regional coinage
3. New song to be composed (and performed) in honor fortnightly
4. Constant stream of tasty virgins
5. Staff of skilled attendants shall be provided for primping/preening
6. Full security force dispatched for (100% guaranteed) hoard protection during hunting trips and other sojourns
7. Monumental architecture/colossal statuary to be erected in image following demolition of offensive depictions of local heroes/deities
8. Crafting of enormous bedazzled crown, set with every conceivable gemstone in grotesque, ostentatious abundance
9. Human sacrifices to be made weekly to draconic deity
10. Nearby dungeon treasuries to be raided, contents delivered (intelligence provided)
11. Knighthood abolished
12. Destruction, subsequent ban of all anti-draconic weaponry

Note: see also The Dragon: Terroristic Threats

Featured on the Wilderness Map

d12
1. Colossal Spruce: towering evergreen, cult of druids worship gigantic pine cone growing several hundred feet up as nascent deity
2. Iron Mountain: massive meteorite, possible trigger of ancient apocalypse, sole source of heavy metals, riddled with mines, source of perpetual conflict between powers
3. Slag Lands: ever shifting islands on sea of lava, populated by warring sub-species of cinder-men, league of sorcerers maintains network of hovering laboratories
4. Ruins of the Formerly Levitating City: crash landed on Pleistocene Island
5. Homoncumulus clouds: zone covered by continuously renewing imp-shaped formations said to be the ghost-forms of dead devils
6. Megastorm Valley: vast swath of wind-ravaged ruin, path of constant Red Spot of Jupiter-type perma-storm
7. Artificial Ocean: greatest achievement of extinct merman civilization
8. Quakelands: zone beset by continuous seismic tumult, landscape reduced to jumble of friction-polished boulders
9. Pockmarked Plain: riddled by unpredictable colossal sinkholes leading to fiery center of the earth
10. Glass Dunes: site of ancient partial corporeal manifestation of the sun god, mandatory pilgrimage undertaken by sun-worshippers
11. Castle of Salt: cursed by easily offended gods, structure and everything within (including population, livestock) transmuted into statues of sodium
12. Great Barrier Wall

Weird Waters

d12
1. Lake of Infinite Depth: nexus point with water world in distant galaxy
2. Phlegmatic River: emerges from great cavern, flows to vast sinkhole, renders any who touch its waters indifferent
3. Levitating Sea: hovers at consistent 1000 feet, predatory giant jellyfish troll the land for prey
4. Spring of Infertility: waters much sought after by those conspiring to end bloodlines
5. Stagnant River: broad and deep, it just sits there growing ever stinkier
6. Straight of Standing Waves: ever-tempting as a shortcut, unbelievably treacherous, several maps available indicating meandering paths of relative survivability
7. The Silent Cataract: boat-rending rapids hiding around a bend like a booby-trap
8. The Devil's Stewpot: hot spring-fed pools teeming with unpleasant proto-life
9. Fen of Euphoria: waters impart perpetual state of dopey bliss, intestinal parasites
10. Reservoir of the Gods: fills vast caldera of extinct, Everest-size volcano
11. Carnivorous Marsh: teeming w/visible bacteria, act collectively to lunge at passersby
12. Pond of Chaos: home to the world's tiniest kraken and other wee horrors

The Dragon: Terroristic Threats

d12
1. Will hunt down and burn the families, friends and acquaintances of any who dare enter lair
2. Will release toxic bile into the water table, perverting it for all time
3. Will topple every tower in the kingdom starting with the tallest
4. Will enter a state of preternatural fecundity, spreading it's vile progeny like a plague upon the land
5. After establishing air supremacy, will burn only most favored crops
6. Will unceasingly bombard royal palaces with its foulest excrement
7. Will take a single virgin each night starting with the most ravishing
8. Will assume the form of a man, rise to the throne, resume dragon form, and set forth to establish empire of open evil
9. Will intercept each and every shipment of wine entering the realm
10. Will intimidate the various regional forces of evil into fealty and embark upon unprecedented campaign of terror and wanton destruction
11. Will self-detonate it's massive inner stores of fire, exploding with the force of a smaller atomic bomb, taking the adventures and everything in the dungeon with it in a final act of defiance
12. Will escape with its hoard to squander ancient treasures on games of chance and other trivial amusements

Recently Swallowed by the Mile-long Serpent

d12
1. The only cleric capable of restoring the monarch to mental and physical health
2. Several heads of state thought to be at secret meeting
3. Wagon full of wine barrels desperately needed for local festival
4. Demigod's arms and armor worn by (deceased) impostor
5. Total population of migratory herd beasts including the prophesied sacred calf
6. Band of heroes hidden inside a giant wooden mouse
7. Caravan transporting sacred relic for holy day festivities in capitol city
8. Stone sarcophagus containing mummy of ancient king that will plague the living with 1000 curses should the seal be broken
9. Crash-landed flying saucer containing envoys from advanced civilization w/dire warning re: imminent arrival of blind idiot space gods
10. Entire tower of an infamous sorcerer rumored to have made revolutionary breakthroughs in arcane arts and sciences
11. The royal librarian and a great swath of the royal collection including several invaluable/irreplaceable volumes
12. Pirate vessel and ship's compliment, just made port following extremely profitable reign of terror

Under the Evil Wizard's Hat

d12
1. Extra brains in tapering elongated skull cone
2. Small sack strapped to head containing emergency ransom in gems
3. Is that a turban? No, it's a hive of highly aggressive stun bees
4. Another face that laughs hideously when revealed
5. Waving tendrils fully capable of spell casting functions when hands indisposed
6. 2d12 bats
7. Self-destruct mechanism
8. Shiny shaved pate inscribed with tattoo containing elaborate funerary instructions
9. Imp familiar meditating in lotus position
10. Coiled spitting cobra, inert until hat lifted
11. Huge third eye that projects ray of insanity and sees into other dimensions
12. Awesome hairdo

Wandering Panhandlers

d12
1. Emaciated ogre, master of an unknown mystical discipline, levitates in lotus position over carpet with a few copper coins on it
2. Evil bard busker plays dirty song parodies lampooning surface world mores for spare change collected in ridiculous many-plumed hat
3. Abandoned dungeon pets (evil hounds w/spiked collars, sabre tooth monkeys in charming outfits, two-headed cats etc.), their moist, imploring eyes burn holes through the hearts of sympathetic characters
4. Ousted dungeon boss and surviving cronies wander miserably, pleading for aid and arms with which to exact revenge upon the new hierarchy
5. Humanoid victims of a weird dungeon plague look to any and all for assistance, even if it is only the release of oblivion
6. Surviving clergy from a sacked dungeon temple, their raiment torn, stripped of valuable icons, faces streaked with bitter tears, shamefully question their god's omnipotence while self-flagellating, ask only for hard tack
7. Clinically depressed leprechaun, naked but for once-glorious pantaloons, tells sad tale of ruination and would gladly accept anything that might add sparkle to his otherwise empty pot
8. Master thief and assassin who lost both hands in botched attempt at disabling green slime trap will hide in shadows for food
9. Fledgling adventurer, the sole survivor of a doomed expedition, is about to die of thirst
10. Impecunious man apes unable to obtain employment lie around in a stinky heap surrounded by empty bottles calling out to passersby for aid in keeping their bender going
11. Vampire initiate of ascetic cult asks for only a few drops of blood to sustain itself while closing in on full enlightenment
12. Vagabond kobolds camp in the middle of the corridor so you can't avoid their incessant pleas

In the Saloon

d12
1. Depraved cretins w/strong sense of entitlement (2d4)
2. Tavern sage holds down corner of bar: answers simple questions for a drink, buy a round for the house for more complex inquiries
3. Surly drunks embittered by years of being surly (2d4)
4. Some guy who's really loud and thinks he's hilarious
5. Raucous gaggle of pickpockets emboldened by drink
6. Black lotus addicts waiting around for their connection to show, rather edgy
7. The guy who has strident opinions on anything he happens to overhear, not a particularly deep thinker
8. Pack of ruthless, armed-to-the-teeth dwarfs celebrating successful delve
9. Inebriated laborers fomenting uprising, much speechifying and little regard for alternate opinions
10. Tattoo artist plying trade in well-lit corner: save vs. infectious diseases, heavily inked sycophants openly question the machismo of the un-inked
11. None of the regular patrons mess with the strangely lumpy hooded figure at the out-of-the-way table who orders and downs ale after ale, would rather feign a fainting spell than even acknowledge the existence of this perpetually thirsty entity
12. Off-duty assassins amusing themselves by subtly pitting various patrons against one another then sitting back to enjoy the ensuing mayhem

When You're Starving in the Dungeon

d12
1. Rumor has it amber dungeon mold is edible, delicious even
2. Moderately edible dungeon lichens, once washed, chopped, pulverized, sieved, fried
3. Leather armor (used), soaked in wine for a long time
4. Gathering an accumulation of semi-fresh dead bats will do for a while
5. Herds of extremely alert tiny deer are rumored to roam the deeps, some kind of blind and great patience required
6. Goblin cheese, a euphemism for some unmentionable aspect of their biology, edible but only just, reeks with an unparalleled potency, pretty good spread on black bread with lots of onion and mustard seed
7. Giant beetle grubs can be found underneath loose flagstones
8. Rats work, but often carry weird parasites, sometimes benevolent
9. Bocanite, a semi digestible element in many dungeon walls, visible only to some dwarfs
10. Notable delvers claim giant centipede legs are a delicacy fit for a king's banquet hall
11. The excrement of elusive dungeon ungulates (basically just processed moss and lichens) provides a good bit of fiber
12. Sometimes it comes down to whether you hired that extra torchbearer

Living MacGuffins Missing in the Dungeon

d12
1. Narcotics dealer hoping to corner market makes bold move to meet the subterranean source, addicts, particularly those of high station, frantic
2. Zealot priest of God of the Rosy Outlook and rather large re-consecration crew of lay members, indispensible VIPs among them, heading down to facilitate salvation of the denizens with much pomp
3. The whole village woke up one morning in a trance, disappeared into the depths of the earth
4. Faction of cultists in midst of bitter theological schism set fire to their temple in town and vanished below with their sacred treasures
5. Children of the noblesse, dressed in improvised dungeoneering get ups, carried away with make believe
6. The cat that ate the rat that ate the Queen's soul, last seen scampering toward dungeon entrance
7. Animate disembodied head of wizard containing unknown spells spirited off into the darkness by cavern apes
8. Royal architect w/full knowledge of secret castle defences disappeared into dungeon in the company of rabble of thieves and cutthroats
9. Child prophesied to be of the utmost future importance kidnapped by genteel demon with excellent penmanship
10. Dangerous, seditious holy man of newly popular mystery cult said to be baptizing converts in underground river
11. Betrothed of local monarch gone to join harem of amorous and exceedingly charismatic lich
12. Genius brewer, innovator of many new beers and ales, linchpin of local economy, abducted by deep dwarfs for compulsory servitude in their corporate beverage production industry

Sealed in the Antediluvian Vault

d12
1. Sets of fine clothing and other adornments that could only be worn by something shaped like a diplodocus
2. Crystalline Chestplate Unremovable: once donned insinuates itself into the host's tissues, tampering with systems to grant unlimited lifespan
3. Mantle of the Frog Priest: wearer instantly recognized by frogs and toads as supreme overlord, to be fawned over and obeyed to the very limits of their ability to comprehend
4. Fossilized mummy of unbelievably ancient monarch, psyche remains intact and eager for human contact, not at all unbalanced by zillions of years of entombment
5. Enchanted Stone Axe of Bisection: cleaves victim in twain on a critical hit, humans must use two-handed
6. Obsidian flask with arcane stopper: contains sample of primordial soup from the dawn of life, each droplet loaded with bio-materials capable of setting off new Cambrian-type explosion
7. Array of unknown musical instruments built for inhuman hands, each capable of producing different psychiatric effect when sounded
8. Preserved brains of antediluvian celebrities
9. Arrangement of stone stelae each inscribed with a primitive spell (Hold Smilodon, Create Jerky, Magic Bludgeon, Charm Mammoth, Survive Winter etc.)
10. Dessicated corpse of scientist/would-be treasure hunter from the far future, gamma gun still holds one charge, broken time-travel belt
11. Amulet of the Void: allows wearer to survive long sojourns though the cold vacuum of space (works equally well in crushing oceanic depths)
12. Shimmering translucent field holding dinosaur wizard in stasis

Freelance Dungeon Security

d12
1. Bored aristocrat, masked, eager to put to use life-long martial training while escaping arranged marriage, and loyal gang of expert big city cutthroats with names like Gutshank, Stompo and The Spleener
2. Ool-phla-ah the Slime Wizard and his Oozes for Every Occasion
3. Mr. and Mrs. Sphinx: professional treasure guards, impeccable attention to every detail, charmingly mated for (preternatural) life, annoying habit of destroying other dungeon monsters
4. Trantlebon the Necromancer provides precision infestations of warding ghosts
5. Dungeon fairies roam from hive to hive, monitoring dungeon events and calling forth mighty queen and attack drones from their encystment as needed
6. Tribe of impecunious man-apes aiming to improve the lot of their kind with a little hard currency, dubious morale in combat, but eager to please employers and unsurpassed in natural fawning sycophantry
7. Mind-eater and host of armed victims, essentially mindless but alert, fearless, ferocious thanks to surgical brain-dining
8. Koklar the jolly old demi-god, a relic of bygone days and long since believed destroyed, and host of loyal ninja-like warriors gifted with supernatural lifespans
9. Brotherhood of ogre monks: a real bargain as they refuse to draw pay and labor tirelessly, amassing number of kills required to advance in their order, once achieved they abandon their posts and return to temple
10. The world's stealthiest hill giant martial arts expert, a one-creature army
11. Exceedingly costly arcane system: floating eyeballs link to magic mouths and decorative enchanted sarcophagi that manufacture and store biomechanical wardens, released only at need
12. Ancient vampire with impressive resume and good number of half-vamp underlings give the appearance of competence while draining the wine cellar and embezzling as much as possible before moving on without giving notice

Yes, Even More Potions

d12
1. Potion of Mindless Frenzy: imparts the strength and ferocity of a raging giant while rendering subject intellectually negligible, unable to speak or make even the simplest judgement calls
2. Fizzy Drink of Ocular Autonomy: causes eyeballs to leave their moorings and levitate freely about at user's command so long as spiritual optic nerve remains intact
3. Nostrum of Speedy Recovery: accelerates natural healing tenfold for 1d12 days (caloric requirements, hair and nail growth similiarly affected)
4. Draught of the Giraffe: causes the neck of the imbiber to extend to 10 feet in length for 1d12 minutes
5. Tincture of Unendurable Hideousness: temporarily transmutes head into that of catoblepas
6. Elixir of Instant Elegance: creates the illusion of savior-faire in even the most vulgar individuals
7. Beverage of the Godlings: grants indomitable strength, genius intellect, divine speed, sage-like wisdom, superhuman robustness and preternatural personal allure for a period of 1d12 minutes
8. Potion of the Mighty Blow: swells fist of user Popeye-like for single crushing, knock-out punch
9. Potion of Extra Limbs: allows user to spontaneously generate up to two fully functional extra arms, legs, tentacles, claws, whatever
10. The Devil's Potation: compels good creatures to evil acts and evil creatures to top themselves
11. Potion of Spectral Foetor: user emits repulsive stench that causes flesh-eating undead to helplessly flee
12. The Desperate Measure: drinker able to act at thrice normal speed for one hour then dies

Flora in the Garden of Death

d12
1. Dead-eyed Susans: crack shots with corrosive pollen loads
2. Hangman's gardenias: giant flowers contract around victim's head to commence strangulation
3. Sarcophagus bulbs: hypnotic pollen compels victims to entomb themselves in hinged bulb as living fertilizer
4. Tulips of terror: impressionistic skulls and nightmare imagery adorn the petals, fragrance induces fear and panic
5. Stench pumpkins: cultivated for use as catapult ammunition by kobolds or other humanoids who live to irritate
6. Eye-seeking pansies: grow from eye sockets of heaped skulls, seeds swarm upon insect-like wings, lodge selves in eyes of victim, who is blinded but at least has a lovely arrangement sprouting from eye-holes
7. Dagger bush: leafless tangle of branches w/huge wicked curving thorns: suddenly spring to fully animate attack when approached
8. Dancing cacti: human-sized and engaged in perpetual choreography, will attempt to drag observers into the ritual
9. Tomb tree: menacing mass of roots at base of trunk parts to reveal natural shelves of corpses within, stored in perfect preservation for an unknown purpose
10. Mimic grass: collectively arranged blades to produce mirror image of observer, respond to command to recall images of past visitors
11. Buzz-saw sunflowers: launches spinning flowers w/razor sharp petals, aims to sever neck of victim (possible symbiotic relationship with 6, above)
12. Venus Soul Trap: fills minds of victims with soothing music and imagery while its tendrils snake up nostrils to remove soul from behind pineal gland

Unknown City-State: Requirements for Entry

d12
1. Aliens must register with constabulary, wear unattractive brightly colored ID badge at all times
2. Citizen must vouch for each entrant (fortunately, professional vouchers are always nearby)
3. Arms/armor must be checked/exchanged for city-legal weapons (rapier, dagger)
4. Extensive ritual ablutions, decontamination, delousing and body shaving
5. Small sacrifice (according to means) to patron deity and swearing of the Visitor's Oath
6. Small cash payment, coupon book for local shops issued w/tourist's map
7. Men lacking beards denied (false beards offered at numerous kiosks outside walls)
8. All potential visitors must enter protective custody for 12 hour mental health observation
9. Must consume (delicious) potion of docility
10. Extensive medical and arcane screening required due to recent prevalence of shape-shifters
11. Must perform eight hours of community service in return for free entry, according to skills
12. Only humans allowed entry, all others may remain in the stables

In the Dungeon Torture Chamber

d12
1. Chatty fire elemental in brazier loaded w/irons
2. Extensive library featuring tedious volume after volume (ex. full and complete history of the slug men, compiled minutes of the mercantile league's monthly meetings going back decades, genealogy of hyper-prolific halfling clan), podium, megaphone
3. Highly trained torture bard w/100% success rating, enchanted Lute of Excruciation
4. Heap of bodies w/hollowed skulls, brains kept alive in nutrient bath, housed w/in arcane agonizer units
5. Team of highly specialized dungeon fairies w/surgical approach to extracting secrets
6. Temporarily abandoned confessor strapped into torture apparatus, unbroken, much valuable information unrevealed
7. Half-dead giant in huge iron maiden, ready to strike bargain for release and will abide by any terms set
8. Face and lips stretching device for use upon the vain
9. Spiked pit/adjustable bungee cord arrangement
10. Separate holding chambers each w/gated partition, adjacent rooms filled to gills w/rats, scorpions, ravenous giant fleas or etc.
11. Walls adorned with stunning variety of hooks, barbed implements, tongs, pincers, vices, blades of every description, pokers, prodders, whips, bludgeons, an axe for any occasion, hammers, nails, etc. etc.
12. Torture chamber/gymnasium set-up wherein masked inquisitors use spare moments to keep their muscles rippling for maximum efficiency

In the Dungeon Larder

d12
1. Freshly harvested greens, seeds, roots, tubers, fruits, vegetables: 100% toxic to humans
2. Giant-size tins of potted humanoid meats (unlabeled), two-handed can opener
3. Food processing/juicing device operated by hand crank, collection of tumblers w/glass sipping straws, sieves, sinister-looking valves and rubber tubing, impeccably clean
4. Mothballed full service staff of automatons in formal dress
5. Variety of aquariums/terrariums teeming w/live edible creatures (large juicy insects, mollusks, small nearly featureless furry things, etc.) w/nearby barbecue pit and iron skewers standing by
6. Casks and kegs filled with ichors, blood, bile, and other assorted body fluids
7. Heads aging in closet
8. Rather sparse in the food department, booze selection fully stocked and tastefully chosen
9. Great loaves of dark brown bread cooling on rack, lots of small birds baked in
10. Disturbingly stinky wok, weird mutant fish from unknown depths on ice, not so fresh
11. Yesterday's paella getting ripe and crusty in unwashed vessel, empty liquor bottles scattered about
12. Mortar/pestle, tablet-making apparatus, many jars with powders of every hue, chunks of soft chalky stones, large sacks loaded with coin-sized pills

The Necromancer's Ultimate Ambition

d12
1. Reanimate sustainable population of prehistoric totalitarian state for use as pre-oppressed pawns in political struggle against new-fangled feudalism
2. Create new sentient ape species infused with soul-matter from departed geniuses for release into the wild
3. Harness soul-energies to power colossal mobile death-wave generator, perpetrate ultimate extortion on powers-that-be
4. Construct planes-faring vessel composed entirely of cadavers whose harnessed undead brains control ship's functions
5. Replicate afterlife conditions in hermetic under-zone for unspeakable experiments
6. Establish personal body-bank of spare parts harvested from the dead: alternate limbs, body plans designed for various usage
7. Cultivate undead plants that produce undead fruits and vegetables to sustain an orderly undead society
8. Bioengineer giant disembodied undead womb for revitalizing meditation/tissue restoration bath
9. Deploy multi-gigaton death ray bomb in order to give death the slip by killing everything at once, to be followed instantly by detonation of reanimation bomb
10. Complete assimilation of knowledge harvested from rejuvenated brains representing every known stage of human history, become world's preeminent smart guy
11. Purge the universe of twisted spirits through combination of liberal dispersal of psychotropic vapors and tedious but indispensable talking therapy
12. Dehydrated zombies in convenient capsule-form

Less Popular Undead

d12
1. Sword-haunting ghosts: follow around the blade that killed them from owner to owner, pooling talents to terrify and obstruct the actions of user at just the wrong moment
2. Disembodied brain, undead: uses mind control power to gain fresh host bodies for temporary habitation in hollowed-out skull
3. Reanimated muscle men: created using new process to fully revivify and sustain soft tissues, more deadly than skeletons, more efficient (and moderately more educable) than zombies
4. Ghoul, Bone-marrow feeding: sports smilodon-like hollow tusks for extracting favored comestible
5. Ghoul, Mummy-making: harvests the recently dead not for feasting, but for eternal preservation as part of growing mummy army, mustering in the forbidden lands for an unknown purpose
6. Ghost, Cambrian: spectral creatures of pre-ancient provenance and astonishing variety go about their incomprehensible business with no particular interest in the living
7. Snake Vampires: created by sorcerers to combat asp-infestation in ancient cities, subsequent return of blood-drained asps as vampires totally unanticipated, their bite turns humans into bone-marrow feeding ghouls
8. Shade, Ego-Devouring: target the party member most enamored of self
9. Ghost, pathological liar: spews rumors, hints, tips, dire warnings and prognostications, all of which are off-the-cuff fabrications
10. Cord slashers: spectral scalpel-wielding phantoms, take great delight in severing bond between physical body and soul, which they devour, often with no observable effect on victim
11. Ghost, Virus: infectious spiritual microorganism, soul-borne pathogen lethal to all but the most powerful undead
12. Ghoul, Brain-eating genius: assimilates all knowledge encoded in cortex of victim, often quite genteel, utterly reasonable, ambitions unfathomable

It Fell From the Heavens

d12
1. Winged giant, dead: scroll w/dire warning in 100 languages attached to harness on ankle
2. Encysted star god: sloughs off tons of dead outer tissues, gradually recovering from eons-long hibernation, preparing for close examination/evaluation of campaign world
3. Army of space wizards bent on conquest, their dodecahedron-shaped generation ship fatally damaged by collision w/fortuitous comet
4. Huge iron meteor, a crystal matrix encoded with supreme extra-cosmic knowledge at its core, psychics and sorcerers anticipate this event months prior
5. Impenetrable translucent sphere: teeming w/dark spiritual entities imprisoned for half an eternity by the Extinct Gods
6. Colossal apparatus, inoperative, of inscrutable purpose, composed of otherwise unavailable element w/potent trans-physical properties
7. First in a series of nightmare bombs launched through the void by extremely hostile inhabitants of recently discovered sphere
8. Skyscraper-size sword, the carelessly discarded sidearm of some outer god, cleaves through landmark of referee's choice
9. Plague of planetary parasites smash to earth and begin burrowing to the core to feast upon its immeasurable energies, causing tectonic shifts, earthquakes and impromptu volcanism
10. Seed of titanic planet-entangling creeper vine begins immediate skyward growth, seeking first any satellites, then reaching out to nearby worlds, providing a handy means of interplanetary travel even as it lays waste to the current campaign world
11. Chaos rains: condensed droplets stream downward as world passes through mutagenic space cloud, random species totally exterminated, others warped and bent beyond recognition
12. Coprolites of the Gods

Enchanted Dungeon Equipment

d12
1. Fifty foot rope, smart: obeys simple commands, slithers along with party like friendly snake
2. Backpack of effortlessness: renders items placed within weightless
3. Pitons of security: single blow drives them, giant strength required to remove
4. Flint and steel, eldritch sparking: throws mighty spark ten feet, capable of blinding/causing minor burns/igniting oil
5. Flask of oil, extradimensional: holds up to a gallon of fuel
6. Ten foot pole, extensible: up to twenty feet, also collapses to one foot rod at need
7. Caltrops, fecund: once placed, double in number every ten minutes for one hour
8. Wineskin of inexplicable upgrading: turns water into wine, wine into brandy, brandy into spirits
9. Torch of fiery vengeance:  hurls flame up to ten feet, expands/diminishes on command
10. Grappling hook, self-guided: can serve as improvised magic weapon in a pinch
11. Animate sponge of automatic personal hygiene: every armor-wearing character should have one, at least
12. Rations, Epicurean: utterly austere, rock hard tack imparts illusion of lavish, soul-restoring meal

Marks of Chaos 3: Ia!

d12
1. Body violently explodes and slowly reintegrates at random intervals
2. Extra-dimensional mouth contains d12 rather large tentacles
3. Changes form every d6 minutes (see subtable A)
4. Extra-sensory organs take up unused real estate on head: fleshy radar dishes, various antennae, less identifiable protuberances
5. Constantly fluctuating size/mass
6. New and different limbs growing in various stages of development
7. Thick viscous ichor perpetually streams from mouth, ears, nose, eyes
8. Deadly black radiations emanate from eyes
9. Speaks in several languages simultaneously on account of all the extra mouths
10. Body composed entirely of eyes of varied provenance
11. Huge horn-like growths adorn head (see subtable B)
12. Body composed of ever shifting multi-spectral light: hypnotic, may induce seizures

Subtable A: Changes in Form
d12
1-2 Giant brain w/spider legs
3-4 Levitating starfish w/single luminous eye
5-6 Housefly
7-8 Winged ape
9-10 Toga-clad youth of dazzling beauty, casting off golden light
11-12 Anthropomorphic red giant star

Subtable B: Head Adornments
1-2 Ram
3-4 Impala
5-6 Moose
7-8 Rhino
9-10 Stag beetle
11-12 Massive coral-like outcropping w/complete ecosystem

Marks of Chaos 2: Not So Subtle

d12
1. Tentacled lips
2. 1d10 extra digits per hand
3. Mustache of Chaos: several feet long on both sides, completely prehensile, form hand-shapes on ends
4. Blood bursts into flame upon contact with air
5. Poisonous body odor: quite lethal at point blank range
6. Absurdly over-developed musculature, exceedingly veiny and slick with perspiration
7. Body covered with innumerable sets of dragonfly wings: hovers at will
8. Three eyes, one each perceives past, present and future
9. Long-toed prehensile feet: custom footwear required
10. No neck: head levitates above body, capable of independent movement
11. Tapering cone of mist where legs should be
12. Half of body occupies alternate dimension at any given moment

Marks of Chaos 1: Subtle

d12
1. Eyes keep changing color
2. Needle-sharp body hair
3. Slightly peculiar body odor: not particularly offensive, just weird
4. Black blood
5. Exhales barely perceptible white smoke
6. Ice cold skin
7. Nails grow to sharp points if left untrimmed
8. Sheds tears of blood when so moved
9. Teeth made of flint: regular knapping required
10. Small additional mouth on end of tongue, capable of speech
11. Bat ears: hair-do can conceal, if desired
12. Dancing hair

Wandering Dungeon Jerks (Who Want to Join the Party)

d12
1. Potent magic user who treats everyone in possession of an even slightly less magnificent intellect with disdain and open contempt (favorite quip: "Idiots!")
2. Hyper-macho fighting man way over the acceptable hubris limit, absolutely cannot let stand any perceived slight, will undertake any challenge, preoccupied with mustachio-maintenance
3. Skillful, brazen thief practices pick-pocketry on party before disappearing into shadows only to keep reappearing, emits high pitched, tittering laughter
4. Big mouth warrior spews constant stream of braggadocio, reeks of cologne, wears sleeveless armor to show off rippling muscles (gymnasium rival of 2, above)
5. Treasure sack-laden servitor ape looking for work having just strangled former employer
6. Deposed monarch w/ever-shrinking cadre of loyalists looking to enhance war-chest, stickler for protocol, expects everyone to be constantly genuflecting, etc.
7. Former professional torturer turned dungeon raider, an able warrior who takes unseemly glee in carnage
8.  Kick ass princess with a sword, finally away from oppressive court life, won't listen to anyone about anything
9. Magnanimous Yotch, dungeon real estate agent, needs fresh bodyguards after professional mishap
10. Talking unicorn w/mood disorder on suicidal final war against evil
11. Paladin on perpetual crusade against even seemingly trivial transgressions (perfectly OK with murder hobo lifestyle, so long as the victims are demonstrably evil)
12. Bard

Triumphs of the Pre-human Civilization

d12
1. Monumental artworks: swirling sculpted mountains, rivers re-routed for aesthetic purposes, engineered zones of decorative volcanism, psychedelic auroras
2. Invention (and subsequent deep interment) of incredibly lethal array of super-weapons
3. Interconnected network of subterranean cities, still half-flooded with toxic mutagenic gases after weird seismic event of eons past
4. Space travel mastered and subsequently abandoned as really bad idea after gaining inkling of what's out there: space fleet scuttled in ocean depths, thrown surface-ward by tectonic shift
5. Anti-gods defenses: titanic gun barrels aimed at the heavens across the globe, massive operations centers for each hidden beneath the earth
6. 100% accurate map of the multiverse, writ large in a massive multi-spherical cavern
7. The Levitating Gardens of Shug-Leth
8. Towering beacon still actively calling down Blind Idiot Space Gods for an unknowable purpose
9. Bio-engineered panoply of hardy, useful plants, also bewildering variety of monsters & terrors
10. The Indestructible Subterranean Museum
11. After achieving total psycho-spiritual enlightenment, embarked upon epoch of constructing colossal space-wasting meditation halls honey-combing mountains, zen gardens taking up all the best real estate, scenic views monopolized by senseless acts of serenity
12. Giant weather control stations in all corners of the Earth continue to manipulate atmospheric conditions, presumably under automated control

Weird Monster Attack Forms

d12
1. Launches semi-detached stomach to envelop and digest prey
2. Uses body as projectile
3. Emits brain-melting waves
4. Exudes digestive enzymes in noxious gaseous cloud
5. Uses telepathic power in attempt to scare foes to death
6. Long-distance suction tentacles speedily pump fluids from target
7. Cakes enemies with blinding accumulation of powder expelled on jets of compressed air
8. Extrudes continuous brood of attack-babies
9. Releases giant, ambulatory phagocytes that retrieve nourishment for the main body
10. Heart-stopping voltage attack
11. Soul-destroying metaphysical ray
12. Caustic, adhesive vomit