Antediluvian Relics

d12
1. Golden bat ears: self-adhere to sides of head for sensory enhancement
2. Spool of smart wire: slithers off to fulfill verbal work orders
3. Headband of enslavement: available in many fashionable styles and colors
4. Dagger of slicing: cuts stone, steel, tin cans and tomatoes without ever losing its edge, ignores armor
5. Omniscient sphere: palm sized orb w/ ranging sensor array, answers yes/no questions, 75% accuracy for duration of charge
6. Depilatory ray gun: no save!
7. Ornately pronged helmet with huge crystalline third eye: enables two-way telepathy, long distance mental intrusions, command sub-intellectual creatures like most arthropods, insects, reptiles
8. Stun hammer: deafens and/or stuns those w/unprotected ears in 40' radius when struck
9. Automatic chow dispenser unit: self-sustaining bacterial colony continuously produces fully nutritive human food nuggets for one (1 in 6 chance of anaphylactic shock on first usage)
10. Industrial prosthetic harness: needles penetrate wearer's spine, twin mechanical arms respond to mental commands after short learning curve (1 in 6 chance of going berserk and attacking user)
11. Psychiatric gun: launches med-grenades that involuntarily pacify, stabilize, trigger tear-soaked breakthroughs, may induce psychosis in some subjects
12. Disintegrator/reintegrator cannon: huge wheeled device stores dematerialized creatures and objects for later deployment (or permanent deletion)

Dungeon Kickstarters

d12
1. Squad of freelance ogre mercenaries looking to go upscale: need custom armor and equipment of highest quality, gigs already lined up, a sure thing
2. Evil high priest seeks aid to establish unholy gambling operation: security paramount, offers up to 5% of net in perpetuity for major backers
3. Vampire archaeologist, having obtained and translated ancient bas relief map, needs to hire contractors and obtain large slave force to excavate buried vault laden with treasures, shares available
4. Hopeful entrepreneur and fully qualified troll chef have found perfect location on level four for monster saloon/eatery, under capitalized and looking for partners
5. Ambitious clan of kobolds looking to set up currency exchange/loan establishment: offer females and children as collateral for start-up loans
6. Sorcerer and master assassin associate need coin for spell research/components to make their magic-assisted murder scheme really pay off
7. Deep dwarf team has laid diplomatic groundwork for construction of dungeon water and sewer system, a sound long-term investment opportunity
8. Bribe money needed to gain access to contested area of ruined subterranean city: newly discovered sub-section expected to yield copious golden treasures
9. Cure for dungeon plague discovered by consortium of sorcerers eager to blackmail disparate factions, need funds to produce samples, delivery system
10. Dungeon escort service w/sterling reputation in temporary cash-flow situation: small amount to tide them over shall be repaid three-fold
11. Talented evil armorer looking to establish shop: offers gratis enchanted arms and armor to investors
12. Mad but brilliant wizard anxious to publish and distribute grimoire of astonishing new spells, but will not unless aesthetic requirements are met: gold inlays, exotic inks, intricately embossed man-leather covers, etc.

The Dragon's Formerly Secret Weakness

d12
1. Due to upper respiratory fungal infection breath weapon subject to 50% failure
2. Such a megalomaniacal ass all henchmen and servitors actively plotting coup d'etat
3. Heavy opiate habit after accidentally eating heavily-laden dealer: intense lassitude, skewed priorities
4. Inflamed intestinal blockage from hastily devoured iron-clad warrior: constitutionally compromised
5. Anger management issue: easily provoked into blind rage featuring total loss of reason
6. Quite insane, unpredictable but somewhat suggestible
7. Allergic to fresh cut grasses: exposure induces convulsive sneezes, reduces vision
8. Devoted to fine brandy by the cask, commisioned giant snifter, frequently loaded
9. Actually quite fond of humans: a scholarly authority on the subject eager to test pet theories, readily charmed
10. Severely infected fang: claw, claw, no bite
11. Arrow shaft barely protruding from difficult-to-reach spot on back: an inch away from spine
12. A terror back in the day, now frail with immeasurable age, flames diminished, passions forgotten, stiff w/arthritis, scales dropping off, a shadow of former self

What the Wizard Actually has Up his Sleeve

d12
1. Viper familiar coiled around wrist
2. The ol' endless stream of brightly-colored handkerchiefs for the amazement of the witless
3. Smoke bombs to obscure hasty retreats
4. Satchel of gold-painted lead coins for scattering on floors to give pause to impoverished attackers
5. Emergency scroll of invisibility (or whatever other spell of aid to personal safety might be available)
6. Breakable packet of irritating powder
7. Nothing but a tasteful dab of eau de cologne
8. In case of amnesia/brain erasure: trigger words cunningly worked in to seemingly decorative tattoo
9.  Extremely humble extra dagger in forearm sheath, sentimental relic of initial equipment purchase
10. Secret stash of healing potion for one
11. Live doves for wowing the easily astonished
12. Flask of hooch

Lesser Known Pocket Universes

d12
1. The Seventeen Swamps of Serenity: voted down repeatedly for incorporation into the Seven Heavens, afterlife reward zone for all good sentient amphibians, reptiles, jellies
2. The realm of chrome and steel: shiny, highly polished 1980's airbrush-world w/liquid steel flora and fauna
3. The Hell of Bitterest Regret: the whiniest, mopiest most depressing zone imaginable filled with totally self-absorbed spirits all trying to out-suffer each other
4. Sorcerer/scientist's control group universe: proving ground for new and improved technologies and magics, introduced populations of clones of various species, starting to develop independent cultures (driven by inter-species warfare)
5. Epidermia: rolling plains of flesh under blood-red skies, happy grazing grounds for all manner of intelligent mites, ticks, chiggers and other parasites
6. Sphere of lucid dreams: terrain, events and denizens shaped by whatever minds might enter
7. Halloween world: populated entirely by goblins, witches, villains, movie monsters and horror hosts, every house is haunted, every cauldron bubbles over with evil
8. Mischievia: a spiritual realm whose impish occupants speak nothing but jokes, plot nothing but pranks
9. The Cosmic Hive: an insect heaven of perpetual blissful buzzing
10. Sphere of internment: a truly maximum security facility housing troublemakers from a million universes, can be entered by powerful sorceries but no one has left yet
11. Domain of the First Cause: infinite thrumming being of white light in repose, due to singular nature will immediately annihilate the current reality to set off big bang if somehow awakened
12. The Dungeon-verse: near infinite network of doors, corridors, rooms, tricks, traps, monsters, and treasures without intelligible purpose, the sub-creation of a capricious god since assassinated by his peers

Magic Sword Awesomizer

d12
1. Blade vibrates like electric knife, negates armor bonus of opponent
2. So wickedly awesome to view when drawn (accompanied by extra-loud Hollywood TSHIIING!) weaker foes must check morale or reconsider engagement
3. Mighty chop can sunder any single object in twain (up to the size of a house or small bridge): success destroys the weapon
4. Emits gale-force winds against enemy missile fire once per day
5. Chaotic component of blade breaks bonds of iron molecules, speedily corroding arms and armor of enemies
6. Shrieks obscenities in ancient language, timed to disrupt concentration of attackers
7. Spell-cleaving: once per day may chop an active spell out of existence (examples: extinguishing a fireball in mid-flight, hacking off lightning bolt)
8. May be hurled once per day with deadly accuracy and significant damage bonus
9. Dazzlingly shiny and selectively reflective, opponents cannot look directly at wielder
10. Can be commanded to self-destruct, will begin counting backwards from 100, explodes with extremely destructive force upon reaching zero
11. Ghost blade made for trans-planar warfare, only gives mortals the chills, works beautifully against the incorporeal
12. Reality hack: arcane energies may be permanently spent for emergency hack through substance of material plane, allowing for escape/travel into the aether

Secreted on the Master Thief's Person

d12
1. Spool of stout wire in heel of boot
2. Razor blades stitched into lining of undergarment
3. Extensible poisoned needle in fingertip of glove
4. 500gp gem strapped to nether regions
5. False mustache/beard in seam of cloak
6. 'Twixt lip and gum: glass capsule that releases drug that simulates death for 3 minutes when crushed
7. Stiletto strapped to inner thigh
8. Lead sling bullets on inside of leather girdle, removable laces cunningly disguised precision sling
9. Pull ring on glove activates retractable garrote
10. In fitted leather case on small of back: variety of documents, credentials, symbols both holy and unholy for range of possible identities
11. Crystal that when crushed teleports one person to thief's awesome hideout in major city
12. Tiny phrase book in multiple languages with useful bits such as: "My guild will pay 1000gp ransom for my safe return."

The Vital Bits of Dungeon Level Four

d12
1. Vast self-luminous lake of clear green water in incredibly huge cavern, partially flooding numerous smaller caves: home to amphibious spiral shelled kraken and their albino merman allies
2. Party of subhumans led by necromancer's chief associate w/shipment of arms and secret communique for the merman theocrat
3. Giant jellyfish that hunt orca-style, beaching themselves to take terrestrial prey
4. Deep dwarfs nearing completion of centuries-long project to divert subterranean river, massive pumping station ready to go online, will instantly alter ecosystem, guarded by ogre and troll mercenaries
5. Half-flooded prehuman undercity, amphibious kraken oversee archaeological study by cult hierophants
6. Waterspouts that seem to target and relentlessly pursue individuals until giving a damn good thrashing or somehow dispersed
7. Mermen training in preparation for amphibious assault on deep dwarf river project
8. Slug folk traders await shipment of subtlest liquors brewed by the mermen, a chatty bunch
9. Domesticated lake monsters provide merman mass transit
10. Merman concierge station administers water breathing potions to underworld traders and dispenses valuable hints on merman etiquette
11. Many-spired city of the mermen and their terrible secret: as a result of curse females savage and terrifying flesh-eaters that must be kept imprisoned in sub-lake breeding dome
12. Wandering deity: towering ebon figure hand fishes with mystically baited line (catch and release), moving slowly about the lake and environs surrounded by fawning merman fanatics incessantly pleading for removal of curse

Memorable Features of Dungeon Level Three

d12
1. Grand promenade of the prehuman city: cave tenements, former domain of the subhumans, now housing for cult fanatics awaiting the arrival of their terrible deity
2. Ambient whirring from below as of a great engine pushed to its maximum exertion
3. Anti-subhuman traps around perimeter: tripwire activated catapults loaded w/nails and glass
4. Forum of the prehumans now used by cultists' for public execution of heretics, captured enemies (especially numerous: albino mermen)
5. Deep dwarfs under contract to excavate new vaulted chamber to house cult deity, will disallow any attempt to observe their work in progress
6. Scientific installation of the prehumans, refitted for sorcery by the cult high priests: perpetual contact with deity established via huge half-magic communication device
7. Howling chasm houses large hive of chaos flies, rapidly multiplying and growing more bold in their choice of prey
8. Witch subsect of cult finds current leadership sub par, schemes dubious: planning assassinations, looking to hire
9. Foulflow River enters several sections of level, currently alive with aggressive giant phagocytes, harvested as protein source by subhumans, cultists, and several species of subterranean monster
10. Natural caverns gradually descend to level four, former game preserve of the prehuman civilization, still haunted by myriad horrors from the unguessed past
11. Giant river monster like a fetal bird that projects beams of terror from its unopened eyes
12. Deep dwarfs carving out new underworld byway breach gas filled chamber, releasing from stasis horde of headless naked man-creatures with two-handed swords and little regard for their own safety

The Cool Parts of Dungeon Level Two

d12
1. Necromancer's HQ w/secret stair access to surface: uses subhumans as buffer against forces from below, serves as their occasional arcane savior
2. Seemingly bottomless and literally howling chasm separates factions, subhumans have built up shrine on their side, offer sacrifices to the presumed howling deity below, access to levels three and four, mountaineering required
3. Warlock and squad of bloodthirsty henchmen make full study of prehuman ruins, have amassed significant hoard of relics
4. Dripping wet and humid natural caverns descend gradually to the lake on level four, subhumans haul shipments of arms this way, simultaneously disposing of their dead (and the necromancer's failed experiments) to appease predatory cave monsters
5. Incredibly elaborate series of frescoes in vast hall depict in some detail the extra-terrestrial origin of humankind
6. Partially looted royal catacombs of the extinct prehumans, signs of necromantic tampering, access denied by massed skeleton warriors
7. Neutral slug folk protected by small private force of ogre mercenaries (disgruntled): losses incurred in trade war prevent the slug folk from making their payroll
8. Roving miasma of living gasses: stupefies upon inhalation, pursued by subhuman addicts
9. A giant snake with eight insect-like legs roams the corridors, exhaling choking black smoke
10. Herd of elusive dungeon deer on perpetual feeding migration through environs to scattered moss and lichen beds, led by intelligent stag
11. Defensible and out-of-the-way room: automatic party ejector, one-way elevator to surface
12. Gaming halls of slug folk: open to all and sundry, must buy at least 100gp worth of tokens at well-guarded gates

Highlights of Dungeon Level One

d12
1. Wicked master of mind control accumulates riches by sending his ensorceled hoard of berserkers on raids of nearby settlements, trade routes and wealthy dungeon neighbors
2. Chain gang of escapees from the Mad Jailer on level two, unwilling to explain the unoccupied set of bloodstained manacles
3. Dead end stair leading down, terminates in illusion-concealed pit filled with green slime
4. Berserker crew assigned to rid the level of giant spider infestation: employ predictably straight-forward approach, heavy casualties
5. Network of passageways and rooms impassably webbed: filled with loot-bearing victims and rather large black widows
6. Conspiracy of neophyte thieves practicing moving silently from shadow to shadow, picking no fights but on the watch for opportunities to improve back-stabbing skills
7. Subhumans driven toward the surface by forces below cling ferociously to their lightless culture and meager territory while simultaneously being exploited by said forces
8. Vast and ancient chamber originally accessible only from below: cruder more recent renovations broke through from level one, access to level two, haunted by spirits of extinct prehumans
9. No man's land between subhuman and berserker areas w/improvised barricades, shallow trenches, arrows shooting back and forth: littered with bodies, home to single opportunistic ghoul
10. Skeleton-manned arms production facility, overseen by subhuman thugs
11. Chamber of automatic will annihilation and secret control booth
12. Ogre formerly employed on level two walking out in disgust, muttering about back pay

Before First Level: Fighters

d12
1. Local militia offered little but the occasional drill, scampered off w/gear to go freelance
2. Born into war clan, scattered following rout against occupying forces, now incognito
3. Farmer turned to banditry at height of famine, found calling
4. Freed from domestic slavery in noble house after heroic acts in defense of city-state
5. Slipped mickey by army recruiters, survived campaign to wipe out otherwise irrepressible tribe for local lord
6. From tender age always erecting practice dummies and fashioning weapons from found materials
7. One of those jerks forever getting into fights for no reason, decided to make career of it
8. Stint as galley slave really built up the old arms, not to mention the total disregard for the sanctity of life
9. Brutality of early life in wilderness settlement mandated expertise in the hacking and slashing
10. Prodigy: slayin' came easy and early as bereaved parents of childhood acquaintances can attest
11. Deserted from imperial army after seeing too much: will never again fight for a cause, only money
12. Thrown out of family trade, barred from arcane academy, cast out of seminary, apprenticeship w/thieves' guild revoked, lute lessons went nowhere, disqualified from athletic training, humiliated after failed bid for local election, sacked from local guard, bought a sword

Other Travelers in the Wilderness Caravan

d12
1. Grim one-eyed aristocrat in cardinal-feather cape w/ enchanted long sword: answering emergency summons of former ally, a possibly insane sorcerer
2. Iron-clad cleric and retinue of acolytes embarking on important dungeon-bash for religious reasons
3. Marriage party of ravishing and technically still-eligible personage en route to politically expedient nuptials in neutral citadel
4. Brew-master, bodyguards, and several casks of experimental new beverage promising to revolutionize boozing forever: believes assassins hired by rival on his tail
5. Lipps the dungeon dog breeder and his kennel wagon
6. Exhausted, wounded and profoundly psychologically rattled surviving members of research team returning from archaeological expedition w/unanticipated results
7. Destitute zealots attempting to locate newly founded mystery cult headquarters in wilderness
8. Squad of plain-clothes assassins relieved after successful mission try to maintain cover while dying to spend some of their ill-gotten riches
9. Off-duty caravan security team of rangers awaiting new assignment
10. Formidable warrior-priestess of the woolly neanderthals on wisdom quest among the hairless ones
11. Extremely nervous courier trying to look inconspicuous: delivering shipment from high end jeweler, strapped under clothes  
12. Team of surveyors and engineers in the employ of would-be lord currently depopulating swath of wilderness

In the Blasted Lands of the Fallen Moon

d12
1. Anaerobicites: photon eating plankton of the moon
2. Ruined outpost of the observer aliens
3. Molten pool of space gold
4. Astral moon-folk, downcast and forlorn, gather the fossilized remains of their bodies
5. Demesne of the currently inert moon god
6. Crater-dwelling moon crabs: huge, well-armored, extremely hardy, notably sluggish in atmosphere
7. Sub-surface steam rooms of sea urchin-like star beings, highly intelligent, involuntarily murderous
8. The Dark Siders: agency responsible for the moon-fall, strike from hidden sphere astride land lobsters
9. Huge claw protruding from surface may reveal location of pre-moon-fall dragon's lair
10. Spontaneous emissions of moon radiation: promotes lunacy, triggers latent lycanthropy, increased risk of lethal moon fevers
11. Ruins of pyramids revealed as laboratories for the creation and transmission to earth of terror monsters
12. Small breeding population of Light Siders in stasis, protected by death-dealing automatons

Before First Level: Elves

d12
1. Prolonged dreamy-eyed adolescence thinking cosmic thoughts, laughing and singing in the enchanted forest, then came boredom followed by ennui
2. Spent a century or so afflicted by a hereditary curse, now temporarily held at bay by dark sorcery
3. Bitter struggle for survival in harried enclave in contested territory: gaunt, humorless, talks like Christian Bale as Batman
4. Morally outraged by elfin politics-as-usual, abandoned elf-life for self-imposed exile among the lesser folk
5. Literary study in the library citadel grew wearisome after a couple of hundred years
6. As close to suicide as an elf gets before epiphany: discovered inner avarice, suppressed blood lust
7. Left homeland in disgust after failing to gain admittance to exclusive social order, self-esteem buoyed by hanging out with human riff-raff
8. Adventuring career just the latest in series of light-hearted larks
9. Emotionally unstable (for an elf), more at ease among the easily rattled humans and halflings
10. Protracted secret indoctrination, now embarked upon clandestine mission for elf supremecists
11. Accrued massive gambling debts during extended period of heavy partying
12. Shamed and humiliated by ruinous love triangle, seething with pent-up rage, spoiling for displaced vengeance and thirsting for riches and a new life

Before First Level: Dwarves

d12
1. Served mandatory 20 yrs. repairing/refining subterranean vaults w/dwarvish conservation corps
2. Dropped out of jewelry-making school in white-hot rage after public rebuke of works
3. Has finally gathered enough gems to buy family heirloom war axe from father
4. Fascinated by study of humans and their folkways, considers them amusing weirdos, cannot wait to join forces
5. Threw off yoke of cultural dourness while exhausting entertainment value of wine and song, wasted too much time to get rich by the standard means
6. Painstakingly hand crafted own tomb in the Hall of Fathers, performed ritual auto-funeral, ready for adventure
7. Spent youth in traditional crafting of personal tool kit (including arms and armor) for lifetime use in all endeavors, now fully fledged adult and ready for action
8. Driven by adolescent gold-lust, committed the unforgivable offense of hoard-theft to outfit self for adventure: caught, beaten, shaved of beard, permanently exiled
9. Retired from several careers, now looking for thrills, resume includes: militia, stone cutting, masonry, metal fabrication, food and hospitality service,
10. First dwarf to attempt to popularize notion of collective bargaining for workers, barely escaped series of assassination attempts, has had it w/his kind
11. Impoverished petty noble w/dwarvish enemies galore, 17th in line for throne, didn't like chances in high society
12. Content to grow beard and hammer rocks until afflicted w/permanent viral infection, manifests as low grade fever and severe wanderlust

Hell's Lesser Inhabitants

d12
1. Anguish eaters amble clumsily about daddy longlegs-like
2. Imps of Frivolity screw around and crack wise about the terrible conditions
3. Evil bacteria fly around in thick swarms looking for fresh wounds
4. Collosal bloated couch riders of sloth: incapable of taking any action
5. Disturbingly beautiful flora of vanity blossom in between perpetual reapings
6. Stirges: it's their Heaven
7. Diabolical souls who never follow through on anything scheme pointlessly
8. Venial spirits in crow-shape fight eachother over shiny objects
9. No longer idle, hordes of disembodied hands do the devil's incomprehensible work
10. Satan's lap dogs: harvest bones at will, issue mocking laughter
11. Huge growths of vaguely human-shaped fungi wail piteously on horrific steaming turd plain
12. Beetles w/agonized human faces scuttle to and fro gnashing teeth and vomiting alot

Before First Level: Thieves

d12
1. Enthralled by the seedy underbelly of human life, enjoys vice of every kind, considers honest folk suckers
2. Kleptomaniac rich kid w/defiant streak a mile wide
3. Fell in with the wrong crowd, must steal to support habit
4. It started with stealing pies as child, rapidly became addicted to thrill, has since branched out
5. Trained by expert thief father: frequently chained to various objects and commanded to escape, sent to market w/long list and no cash, abandoned at bottom of sheer cliffs, etc.
6. Magpie-like affinity for shiny objects, obsession managed (poorly) by heavy drinking
7. Schooled in the evils of private property at heavily tattooed grandmother's knee
8. Found native culture stultifying and oppressive, turned to life of crime for kicks
9. Figured it was the only way a poor kid could retire before age thirty
10. Sincerely enjoys being sneaky
11. Comes from a long line of straight-up sociopaths
12. Mistakenly stolen by thieves as baby, reared by trio of doting yet dastardly "uncles"

Before First Level: The Cleric

d12
1. Indulged in habitual heresy and blasphemy until sudden divine visitation inspired terrified vows of fealty
2. Sold to local temple by destitute parents, granted entrance to order following lengthy period of servitude
3. Orphaned at tender age, sought shelter among esoteric brotherhood, fell under sway
4. Found (this particular) god at the bottom of continuously drained and replenished mug of grog
5. Harrowing psychedelic incident after consumption of moldy bread leads to cosmic revelation and subsequent total dedication to grooviest deity in pantheon
6. Healed by kindly cleric after near-fatal childhood injury
7. Took up with the holy ones to spite rationalist humanist parents
8. Sudden apoplexy while consulting temple scrolls, awoke to awed veneration of clergy: used by divinity to issue several important new revelations while comatose
9. Flirted with several deities and indulged in secular philosophy until sudden realization made lifelong service to Thor seem irrefutably imperative
10. You see, there was this vestal virgin...
11. Fate sealed at age 6 by ritual gift exchange on the high holy day: received toy mace and holy symbol, spent rest of holiday attempting to turn siblings and that was that
12. Above average wisdom score: in a world where the capricious influence of the gods is beyond debate or reasonable doubt, joining them is pure pragmatism

Before First Level: Magic Users

d12
1. Thrown out of several reputable academies, killed last headmaster to cross path and made off with spellbook
2. Woke up to find self fully vested member of arcane secret society after lengthy black lotus bender
3. Snuck into sorcerer's tower, captured and imprisoned in library until mastered first spell: took ten years
4. Well-connected parents employed graft and bribery to gain admission into exclusive training facility
5. Tormented in dreams from childhood by terrible outer being who trades nocturnal peace for pursuit of the mystic arts
6. Unquenchable lust for power from early age, long list of enemies to one day blast to smithereens
7. Turned wholeheartedly to sorcery after late-childhood revelation of secret lineage: witch-doctors, magi, necromancers, psychics, diabolists and even a vampire thrown in for good measure
8. Kidnapped and trained by hermit-mage after handily winning math competition at village fete
9. After witnessing injustices of the world, hates the gods and will devote researches to finding the magic bullet needed to dispense with them once and for all
10. Strong innate sense of the fullness of reality combined with major social inhibitions, threw self into studies and never came out
11. Vision following blow to head partially revealed cosmic mysteries, triggered lifelong pursuit of knowledge
12. Sole survivor of barbarian village destroyed by snake cult but far too congenitally feeble to even entertain revenge by the sword

Dead in a Ditch

d12
1. Merchant, dagger in chest through defiant note refusing ransom
2. Hairless naked body covered in fresh tattoos with no visible cause of death
3. Halfling, still warm, skull perfectly stripped of soft tissue
4. Two goblins, backs filled with goblin-size black arrows
5. Peasant couple with empty flask, both w/freshly stitched incisions just above the hairline
6. Once-mighty fighting man: stabbed, hacked, speared, seared by magical fire, shot with arrows and bashed with blunt instruments over and over until finally dead
7. Giant snake slit open from the inside, must've been something it ate
8. Nearly the entire roster of the Eleven Fingers crime syndicate
9. Completely intact troll, no sign of injury but to all appearances stone dead
10. Tear-streaked elf in funerary raiment: succumbed to overwhelming despair
11. Several notable aristocrats in line for the throne: Oh, look! Here comes the city guard!
12. The local bishop: No, wait, he's just wasted on brandy again

Re-animation Projects of the Chaotic Necromancer

d12
1. Zombie army of giant ants set to demolishing annoying/undesirable cities
2. Select occupants of the imperial catacombs beneath the city-state including famous conquerors, former heads of state, important philosophers (of evil)
3. Sorcerer/scientist assassinated just before completing work that reveals fraudulence of the gods
4. Fully operational skeleton town, just for model railroad-like kicks
5. Towering aggregate zombie, sent to destroy wilderness tower of notable wizard 
6. A pre-human god, secretly killed and interred by founding deities of current pantheon
7. Squad of legendary assassins, current aristocracy extremely nervous
8. Breeding population of antediluvian proto-human stock, superior in most regards w/ambition to match
9. Martyred religious figure: triggers massive cult revival
10. Captive think-tank of genius consultants from history, have already out-flanked the necromancer with plans of their own
11. Arcane architect, designer of otherwise impenetrable deep levels of mega-dungeon: prepping for incursion
12. Recently dispatched party of adventurers, don't remember the TPK that got them and (at least at first) look upon necromancer as kindly benefactor

Fighting-men: Why We Fight

d12
1. For honor and nation: personality nullified by grim nationalistic fervor, demands of rigorous ethical code and extreme stoicism
2. Gear fetish: because wicked swords and cruel axes are super bad ass
3. Thought it would help chances with the opposite sex: now haunted by shade of accidentally slain sweetheart
4. Given the choice, opted out of family pig shit hauling business
5. Religion requires tally of dead foes for preferred afterlife status
6. Comes from long line of proud occupants of early graves, now ready to seek own glorious end
7. Not much good at anything else, really
8. Highly competitive personality + thrill-seeking adrenalin addiction
9. Was the bloodthirstiest young aristocrat anybody had seen in some time
10. On account of the abundance of faces that are just begging for a damn good stabbing
11. Easy gold. Don't mind killin'.
12. Frequent exorcism of reptilian killer instincts in gore-soaked melee required for maintenance of otherwise considerable personal charm

Why is there an Underworld?

d12
1. Earth hollowed by extinct giant ants during paleogean Age of Giant Insects
2. Life began in crucible of chaos at center of the earth, only breaching the surface after millions of years in the dark oceans below
3. Groundwork laid by primeval visitation of planet-eating cosmic worms
4. Aboriginal population of mole-men warped into surface races by renegade god
5. Surface evacuated by ancient ones after their twisted sorcery caused the atmosphere to catch fire for 1000 years
6. Planet strip-mined by aliens, totally depleted of element vital to interstellar travel, abandoned
7. Because of a lie the elf fathers told the first dwarf
8. The evil gods imprisoned at the earth's core call out to be freed, their children delve ever downward
9. Fossilized circulatory system of the dead earth god, upon whose corpse we all feast
10. Down below where the goblins and kobolds dwell the god of retribution fuels his spirit-powered engines of anguish with wicked souls
11. Provision of First God War armistice created a permanent division between children of light and darkness, since nullified by renewed hostilities
12. Underground realms left over from first major revision of creation when mountains rained from the sky to forever bury failed experiments

Items of Moderate Interest in the Ogre-King's Hoard

d12
1. Accumulation of scalps: tacked to wooden pole in stand
2. Bronzed baby teeth of forgotten aristocrat and several shiny coat buttons in half-crushed box
3. Crude portrait of infamous ogre lord of the distant past on stretched skin of some kind and wrapped in furs
4. Small cubes of dehydrated hero blood in ceramic vessel marked with an X, prescribed by witch doctor for flagging virility
5. Braid from frost giant's beard taken in anger
6. Exquisitely rendered stone sculpture depicting seductive ogress in repose
7. Taxidermy collection of deceased pets: 2-headed hell hound, favorite slave ape, goblin body guard, all in ferocious poses
8. Rare yet essentially worthless collectible stone-carved miniature knights and castles, roughly handled, paint chipped, fair+ condition
9. Junior-sized training cudgel: blood-stained, dotted with skull fragments, cracked down the middle
10. One set of ogre-size formal wear: dress loin clout, fine fur shoulder wrap, huge leather boots, thick black girdle with shiny buckle
11. Cask of aged fungus liquor: subtle, loamy aroma, intriguing flavor profile, lethal to humans 
12. Sold to the king as The Coprolites of the Gods, probably just a box of roughly cylindrical rocks

Manifestations of the Sorcerer's Derangement

d12
1. Broad mugging and overacting of a silent movie villain plus ear-piercing shrieks and stream of consciousness rants at top of lungs, sweaty, bug-eyed
2. Overwhelming obsession with sub-atomic matters, scrawls equations everywhere, wears microscopic eyepiece 24/7
3. Hell-bent on mission to improve sensory awareness: currently preparing for self-surgical installation of giant multifaceted bug eyes
4. So steeped in the esoteric has lost ability to even comprehend mundane matters anymore, forgetting to eat/sleep/bathe
5. Manic pursuit of bigger and better explosions leaves hideout a smoking ruin, plans to soon blow up something really big, issues near continuous crazed laughter
6. Megalomaniacal devotion to remaking the world in his/her image starting with mountain-sized statues (scale models fill laboratory)
7. Unfortunate loss of basic bodily function control, walks around with big streaks on gown while dictating wild new theorems to amused homunculus scribes
8. Successful research expanded list of arcane power words considerably, now indiscriminately peppers his sentences with them, surviving staff walked out weeks ago
9. Intruding alien personality constantly interrupts normal speech w/scathing criticism, alternate opinions, mockery
10. Receiving direct transmissions from the future w/instructions on which current political figures must be assassinated, summoning beings from the dimension of hate to carry out hits
11. Involuntary high speed spewing forth of esoterica and erudition in a highly educational, well organized screed
12. Swallowed by black hole of paranoia, has killed retainers, is planning on launching preemptive strike on closest allies

Quick Cultural Quirks: Sophisticated Urbanites of Swords and Sorcery

d12
1. Considers self to be unflappable having seen it all in the big city
2. Applauds the feudal spirit: actually quite fond of the help
3. Sensation seeker by habit if not inclination, unapologetic epicurean tastes
4. Prejudices against the unwashed masses too numerous to list, total ignorance of agriculture and most means of production
5. Honors the gods as required by social mores but with little enthusiasm, heavy sprinkling of moral relativism
6. Settles matters of honor with dagger duels or other mostly ceremonial means: elaborate rules minimize lethality, its all about showing up (w/awesome entourage decked out to the nines)
7. Master of all manner of parlor amusements: games of skill/chance, song, verse
8. Weds traditionally w/ much pomp but generally for social engineering purposes, adultery discrete but frequent
9. Leisurely luncheon considered a vital restorative and will halt most activitities (including dungeon exploration) for mid-day repast
10. Prone to bitter complaints when exposed to the elements, doesn't know a tent from a hole in the ground
11. Strong percentage chance of successfully faking way through conversation on wide range of topics
12. Honors the hour at which it is customary for a gentleman/lady to partake of a stiff one

Quick Cultural Quirks: Deep Forest People

d12
1. The prairie is terrifying: deep-seated horizon-phobia
2. Likes to sleep in high places: will go to great lengths to improvise off-ground accommodations
3. Subject to psychosomatic infirmities when underground for extended periods
4. Will talk reassuringly to trees
5. Waste not, want not: sees the potential for future use in objects of little discernible value
6. Instinctive guerrilla fighter: seeks cover/concealment, shoots and retreats, etc.
7. Heavy animist thinking: constant awareness of the spirits that inhabit everything
8. Minimal oral communication, esp. on duty but plenty of eyebrow signalling (extremely garrulous when intoxicated)
9. No institution of marriage: all about the free love
10. Males: good hunters, frequently drunk, Females: can make anything out of deer guts and plant fibers, also frequently drunk
11. Treats everyone not formally initiated into tribe as children
12. Distrusts the capricious spirits of metals and must appease them often: will not carry anything bigger than a good spear point, prefers arms/armor of wood, leather, and sinew

Unforeseen Financial Setbacks in the City

d12
1. New "adventurer's rate" at shops, inns, taverns and tradesmen: +1d100% to typical prices
2. Due to recently closed economy, hard currency must be exchanged (a small surcharge applies) for paper voucher system
3. Dweomer tax on all unregistered magic items entering city
4. To cover rising repair/policing costs, revelers must apply for a carousing licence (non-refundable fee), summarily revocable by city guard
5. Must purchase and sport customary attire to do any kind of business or risk committing a grave discourtesy
6. Roving packs of street arcanists enjoy employing reverse alchemy on the purses of visitors
7. Markets use auction model, professional shills up the bids on foreign buyers
8. Must choose between conversion to local religion or pay a one-time opt out fee
9. Healing available at temples but on sliding scale for each according to their means
10. Impenetrable legal code plus bribe-happy constabulary = retaining legal aid all but imperative
11. Carrying weapons disallowed, secure storage available during stay (w/rental agreement)
12. Vast sorcerer-controlled swarms of rodents seek ill-guarded wealth in the wee hours

DM's Emergency Dodecahedron Outcomes Oracle

For use whenever the mad schemes of the players demand speedy resolution but lie beyond the scope of easily remembered/referenced rules....

d12
1. Abysmal and utter failure beyond all reasonable expectations
2. Unpredictably bad outcome (there will be blood)
3. What the players imagined to be the worst case scenario
4. Still pretty bad but losses acceptable (dead hirelings, wasted resources)
5. Certain failure but with minimal loss
6. Even Steven: no loss, no gain
7. Partial success, but at some cost
8. Successful but only just, or partially favorable outcome
9. Laws of physics/psychology bend in favor of the players
10. Only agencies beyond the player's ken can explain their total success
11. A stunning success beyond all reasonable hope
12. DM's instinct prevails as long as its amusing for all (win or lose)

Die modifiers:
+1 if plan seems sound or if obscured by cloud of cool-sounding BS
+2 if the gods might favor such a plan
+3 if the plan seems really amusing
-1 if the plan seems completely absurd
-2 if the plan inadvertently ruins something super cool
-3 if there never really was a chance for success anyway

Found Strapped to the Paladin's Warhorse

d12
1. Golf bag full of swords favored for various circumstances, numbered in red paint
2. Bundle of detoxifying herbs for cleansing tea-fast
3. The Bedroll of Righteousness: enchanted to halve rest requirement and double healing rate
4. Incredibly detailed personal journal of impure thoughts w/equally belabored screeds of repentance
5. Precisely enough gold to cover projected expenses of current crusade
6. Decomposing head of former villain for return to patron lord
7. Page-worn and tattered Manual of Personal Conduct volumes I-VI
8. Satchel of nuts, berries, the hardest conceivable tack, w/ skins of fresh rainwater
9. The Helm of Self-Justification: replaces pesky inner debate with bolstering certitude, increases morale of followers
10. Perfumed ribbon from headdress of evil queen/king
11. Unholy relic in lead box earmarked for speedy destruction
12. Library loan (with 7 days remaining): illuminated scroll containing abridgement of Ahknatar the Inscrutable's classic Lethal Pitfalls of Situational Ethics

Results of Successfully Listening at Door to Empty Room

d12
1. Peal of a distant church bell
2. Gnawing, crunching sounds from within the door itself
3. Gentle patter like soft rain
4. Barely audible voice whispers "Come in"
5. Sound of your mother's increasingly hysterical voice calling your name
6. Sort of think you heard something, but probably not
7. Noises from entirely different but nearby room vibrating through dungeon walls
8. Chirping of birds, rustling of dry leaves
9. Echo of the party's most recent conversation
10. Ringing of sword against sword in a pitched melee
11. Implausibly slow and deep drawing of breath, followed by equally outsize exhalation
12. All you hear is the blood pounding in your ears and you wonder if this dungeon is giving you a heart attack

PS: Post number 100!

What's on the Guard Monster's Mind

d12
1. Literally waiting on other side of door for interlopers to smite, total job satisfaction
2. Complete devotion to aims of master, dog-like obedience
3. Blinding urge for wanton destruction barely held in check by training
4. Searing hatred for all that lives spurred on by frequent torture at master's hands
5. Immeasurable hunger for flesh occludes all other concerns
6. Dedicated only to its own mission of annihilation
7. Pain from unhealed wound propels mad frenzy
8. Normal thoughts and behavior confused due to malnutrition
9. Addled by never-ending duty, looking to take it easy
10. Disgruntled with job, willing to bargain w/powerful opponents
11. Looking for bribes, doesn't want trouble, more than happy to betray anybody for profit
12. No longer cares one whit about it's duty, merely showing up until something better comes along

Dungeon Aesthetic

d12
1. Designed to accommodate alien/giant body plan
2. Meticulously-crafted, smooth stonework, unadorned,  impeccably clean
3. Vertical design around central crevasse w/shafts, landings, platforms for ancient public levitation system no longer in service
4. Architect: H. R. Giger on an acid-fueled bender with unlimited budget and massive slave labor force of highly skilled artisans
5. Dark whimsy: a Disneyland of fear and death
6. Slopped together w/minimal outlay and effort, functionality compromised, doors barely work
7. Natural beauty of cavern system preserved and subtly enhanced, chambers linked by faux-natural causeways
8. Mind-bending baroque design: countless sculptures, tapestries, bas reliefs, mosaics depict events of terror and bloodshed
9. Interconnected system of cones, spheres and cylinders, cold and clinical, origin unknown
10. Original masonry eroded and dotted with fossilized coral from long-ago period of flooding
11. Jarring tilts and trapezoidal chambers, angled ceilings and floors, a mad-house
12. Rough-hewn functionality dangerously askew after major earthquake, strong chances of collapse, inter-level breakthroughs.

Horrors of the Slough-pit

Yes, this is highly irregular, but today's table can be found embedded in the one-page-dungeon-type deal linked below. With the OPD contest underway, I thought I'd take a crack at the format (this is not an entry, just a tryout). I invite all to download and have a look. Perhaps I can entice you with the map....

Imprint One Page Wilderness
Released under the Creative Commons license used by the OPD contest.

Security Measures at the Sorcerer's Tower

d12
1. Selectively permeable mobile defensive wall of aero-plankton
2. Security chief: totally nude, deaf, blind and ancient master of unarmed combat enshrouded in magical darkness and silence
3. Underground brain controls extensible tentacle array, variously armed, network of tubes provides access to all points
4. Trained bull rhinos w/above average tactical cunning patrol grounds 24/7
5. Encircling garden of giant hypno-flowers tended by giant dragonflies
6. Hundreds of evil pixie knights astride vicious war-chihuahuas flinging bombs of bewilderment
7. Identity check point w/bio-engineered olfactory sensor creature checking aroma profiles
8. Perimeter wall of animate zombie flesh
9. Field of death spore fungi land mines
10. Moat of liquid nitrogen
11. Magnetic field projector capable of wrenching armor from the bodies of aggressors
12. Wall of lightning provided by captive wizard locked in time loop

Non-combatants of the Underworld

d12
1. The Deep Surveyors: subterranean cult on never-ending mission to accurately map entirety of underworld for an incomprehensible purpose
2. The philosophers of stone: serene and immovable
3. Mathematically inclined sessile mollusk men, the living calculators of the deeps, in constant consultation with sorcerers, engineers and contractors
4. Bioluminescent stench farmers: inscrutible artistes of odor
5. Mentally-deficient and extremely cowardly scavenger men who flee before any foe, regardless of perceived strength
6. Body builders of the deeps: so busy continuously flexing, lifting giant stones, bending steel, and admiring each other they remain oblivious to most everything
7. Fur devils: so cute and cuddly even hungry predators leave them alone, totally non-violent but entirely evil
8. Recorder beasts: masses of goggling eyeballs scuttling around on spider legs, do nothing but take in information, excrete crystalline matrices of encoded data, easily slain
9. Halfling-sized bug men: master builders of underground cities, will not fight, but hire excellent security forces
10. Gorgeous ones: demi-human race of uncanny dark beauty that primps and preens to the exclusion of all other activities
11. Giant floating angel fish of the gas-pocket caverns
12. Self-flagellating Death God worshippers locked in bitter struggle for enlightenment via protracted auto-annihilation

Symbiosis in the Dungeon

d12
1. Charlatan evil high priest delivers sacrifices of flock to hovering eye in exchange for timely use of ray powers
2. Ghouls hide in giant snake's belly until prey cornered, emerge suddenly and paralyze extra victim for snake
3. Giant beetles dispose of bodies for assassins' guild who lavish them with TLC
4. Subhumans employ giant ape for erecting monoliths in exchange for fresh maidens
5. Orcs gain near-invulnerability from aggressive and disfiguring body fungi infestation
6. Dragon sustains jellies with waste/leftovers in exchange for cash horde cleansing and protection
7. Pudding lives in gut of land kraken as digestive aid
8. Ogres feed flightless cave vultures, benefit from their heightened senses and squawks of alarm
9. Manticore serves as mount of devil for protection/choice victims
10. Sorcerer feeds sphinx magic for service as research aid
11. Hydra and chimera enjoy strange multi-headed kinship and mutual protection
12. Dungeon fairies lead bamboozled prey to giant spiders in exchange for bolts of spider silk building material

Disastrous/Abandoned Projects of the Gods

d12
1. Cosmic stairway: construction terminated somewhere in the ionosphere due to budgetary constraints, now used as draconic nesting site
2. Pyramid shaped world: proposed resting place for immortal souls until discovery that properties of attendant black star instantly rendered spirits irretrievably insane and evil
3. The Sky Forest: soil cloud too unstable, taken over by airborne fungi, now giant lumpy mass acrawl with terrifying symbiotes
4. Sapient dinosaurs: upon release into creation exposed themselves as potential threat to divine authority, extinction event carried out preemptively
5. Experimental two-element pocket universe: Teardrop World suspended in a sphere of air
6. The Cavern of Alternative Physical Laws
7. The Lost Republic of Sentient Vegetables: left to own devices by the gods due to lack of interest, now reduced to tiny deep jungle enclave, inadvertently passed on the gift/curse of intellect to several deep jungle herbivore species
8. United Pantheons grand meeting hall: desecrated and destroyed by members of intentionally excluded pantheon, now inhabited by their monstrous offspring
9. Multidimensional observatory: ruined and flooded during inter-pantheon cold war, recently raised in suspect seismic event
10. Maximum Security Penitentiary of the Gods
11. Orbiting Pleasure Dome: crashed to earth following particularly massive bacchanal
12. Trans-planar God-Ark: decommissioned and scuttled following the discovery of the more-nearly omniscient Trans-gods

Pain in the Ass Treasures

d12
1. Fully loaded treasure chest magnetically adhered to distant ceiling
2. Pot of gold magically suspended over yawning chasm
3. Platinum meteorite beckons from bottom of monster-infested subterranean lake
4. Famous magic spear sticking out of understandably irritated tyrannosaur
5. Bejewelled statue stored at bottom of deep spiked pit
6. Diamond-studded earring adorning ear of giant ape monarch
7. Fancy jewelled collar on attack-trained wyvern
8. Adamant statue brandishing powerful artifact in unshakable grip
9. Huge diamond on rocky outcropping in center of vast lava pool
10. Fire giant lord w/platinum dental grill
11. Tirelessly animate solid gold cheetah running loose
12. Jewels scattered over beach patrolled by amphibious orca

The Gastric Obstruction that Killed the Colossal Worm

d12
1. Several ingots of alien metal of unknown provenance
2. Compressed mass of an ocean-going vessel
3. Complete set of mining equipment for small work crew
4. Magical glaive embedded in duodenum
5. A jewel-studded throne
6. Heavily pitted and corroded enchanted shield
7. Weird fluke-like parasite (fluent in several languages) swollen to gross immensity
8. Half-digested but still actively aggressive demon
9. Anaphylactic shock induced by previously unknown dwarf allergy
10. A tangled pair of war-chariots laden with various implements of violence
11. A magically protected wardrobe filled with pointy hats and robes
12. Shouldn't have eaten the guy in the ornately spiked field plate

Vengeful Shades

d12
1. Warrior w/numerous arrows in back mutters about being elected point man
2. Disembodied head of court jester inaudibly gasps out lame one-liners
3. Ghoul-chewed cleric now bitter heretic after turn undead failure
4. Aristocratic form frothing from mouth clutches empty flask (definitely not the healing potion he ordered)
5. King brandishing cloven crown roars out curses against barbarian usurpers
6. Spectral wizard smouldering from fouled up fireball
7. Once beautiful green slime-covered maiden screams out her angst
8. Heroic warrior form speaks through slit in throat
9. Sorceress head on skeleton body rants about being left behind and eaten by rats
10. Perfectly flat ghost (crushed in dead fall trap) hates professional adventurers
11. Several pieces of thief float about recounting terminal "scouting ahead" mission
12. Posthumously unionized gaggle of ex-torchbearers seek former employers to file formal complaints

Ill-tidings from the Cleric's Patron Deity

d12
1. Disapproves of recent activities: tithe doubled until further notice
2. Enlightenment enhancement required: fasting, meditation, self flagellation recommended
3. Order to meditate on particularly mind-bending paradox, issue report on findings
4. Bad connection: 1d4 extra hours of meditation required to restore powers
5. Message delivered by proxy: deity not available at this time, restores low level spells only
6. Dogma redaction: error discovered, new dogma to follow
7. New covenant: sea change on divine level triggers total reexamination of cult requirements
8. Brace for hostile takeover attempt from unknown pantheon
9. Automatic writing assignment, addendum to scriptures required for new converts, deadline: tomorrow
10. Adjustment to proselytizing requirement: now thrice daily
11. New arch-enemy revealed, holy war immanent
12. Total loss of contact: god missing and feared destroyed

This Dungeon Has Weird Floors

d12
1. Translucent material with swirling phantasms beneath
2. Stretched reptile hide
3. Cushy fungi carpet
4. Covered in thick layer of a very fine white powder (instantly airborne)
5. Hot to the touch, protective footwear required
6. Slightly bouncy: enhances jumps once mastered
7. Complex mosaic filled w/ancient coded messages
8. Acid-polished to near-frictionless condition
9. Deep semi-circular groove worn down center
10. Undulates rhythmically
11. Cunning tile arrangement produces optical illusion of tilt
12. Randomly semi-permeable

Surprisingly Helpful Hirelings

d12
1. Darx the fletcher: constantly making new & improved arrows out of found materials
2. Munn the torchbearer/unemployed cartographer
3. Man-at-arms Zim: trained under famous chef (killed by Zim in an unfortunate incident), capable of making rations into a memorable dining experience
4. Wahu the wary: detects traps/secret doors with latent psychic powers
5. Keen-eyed Kruun: more likely than average to spot objects of value
6. Brill the bat-whisperer
7. Switt the suddenly self-sacrificing: will fling self between master and incoming dangers
8. Moogumbo the spear carrier: generous with hand-crafted juju bags of protection
9. Frix the fleet-footed: an exceptionally fast sprinter
10. Corgo the cognizant: able to remember important detail forgotten by adventurers
11. Cosmopolitan Cruin: knows one language unknown to adventurers
12. Man-at-arms Flang: never leaves home w/out at least three doses of his mother's mystical tonic of healing

Wilderness Bivouac: Report from First Watch

d12
1. Echoes of strange semi-musical pipings in the distance
2. Sudden gust of wind carried strong smell of smoke, diminished rapidly as wind changed again
3. Spectral figure appeared near perimeter, muttered unpleasantly to itself, vanished
4. All quiet until stroke of lightning momentarily revealed countless menacing silhouettes nearby
5. Huge luminous disc crossed sky, hovered briefly over encampment (hireling missing)
6. Ambient outdoor noises instantly silenced, as if the wilderness itself was listening for something, resumed after brief period of ineffable terror
7. At one point the night-baying of some predator specifically mentioned party member by name
8. Harassed by flying insects that produce a noise like mocking laughter
9. Thick fog rolled in obscuring everything, seemed to contain tortured faces, dissipated rapidly
10. Shooting stars fell in unprecedented numbers in the intended direction of the expedition
11. Procession of thousands of rats passed by harmlessly
12. The earth trembled slightly w/scraping sounds from deep below ground, now silent because its listening to us right now...

Yeah, But THIS Troll...

d12
1. Proselytizes for the troll god by offering sacramental samples of its flesh (see subtable below)
2. Has one head controlling three troll bodies (two of which are headless)
3. Speaks several languages, attempts to rationally demonstrate why adventurers should sell him one or more party members
4. Bleeds healing potion
5. Produces new heads/limbs when severed as per hydra
6. Continuously bellows out song of derangement
7. Multiplies via dismemberment
8. Has vestigial bat wings, shafts of crimson light radiating from eyes and exhales black smoke
9. Regenerates imperfectly: current form is semi-ambulatory mash-up of extra limbs, organs, heads, eyes, etc.
10. Is so rubbery it literally bounces everywhere like a rubber ball
11. Is ashamed of its own nakedness, would trade much to be outfitted as sophisticated urbanite
12. Just ate a 500 year old cask of spirits, suddenly plunged into deep introspection, searching for mirror to stare into awaiting epiphany of self-knowledge

Subtable: Effects of Consuming Sacramental Troll-flesh
d12
1-2 Grow unsightly troll nose (smell troll-prey up to 10 miles distant)
3-4 Develop trollish appetites
5-6 Hair changes into shock of spiny bristles
7-8 Skin becomes green rubber-hide
9-10 Congratulations! You now regenerate.
11-12 Transformation to troll form complete in 72 hours

More Wonders of the Underworld

d12
1. The Abyssal Caldera: sight of multiplanar collision and consequent reality breakdown
2. Great Migration of the Cave Worms: annual event marked by festivals and strange observances
3. Non-Euclidean complex of the multi-dimensional ones
4. Niagara-size waterfall that goes up
5. Cave-sepulchre of dead gods: super-powerful agents of divine decomposition pose chief threat 
6. Sculpted halls of the art-beetles (extinct): baroque alien aesthetic mildly mind-bending
7. Mountain of bones, personal collection of the death god
 8. The Grand Chasm: staggeringly vast, spanned only by the Gondola of Peril
9. Mecca of the giants: near-continual stream of giant pilgrims
10. Ruined war-demon factory and test arena: access forbidden by sentry-tribe of subhumans
11. Hanging garden of slimes, puddings, jellies and ooze
12. Life-size statue of incomprehensible god Thloo-huloo exposed by tidal cycle of the Lightless Sea

The Oracle has Bad News

d12
1. Despite your 10 ft. pole, you shall perish alone in a pit
2. In the blackest abyss you will understand that man cannot eat gold
3. Mark well your lover, who secretly hungers for the blood of the living
4. Your end comes slowly in the belly of a hungry god
5. Just after your greatest triumph you shall be blasted to tiny bits
6. A short scrawny man, naked but for loincloth and dagger, will totally hand you your ass
7. Those jewels are glass
8. An indescribable horror will be your only companion
9. You shall writhe in perpetual torment in a personal hell of your own choosing
10. You must kill your friends before something worse happens
11. Your own arms and armor shall betray you
12. The oracle has determined you are fated to trigger the apocalypse, pretends the future is too cloudy to read, notifies team of assassins as soon as you leave the premises

Obstacles and Hazards Indicated on the Treasure Map

d12
1. The Exploding Fen
2. Tombland: landscape dominated by towering cairns of an extinct sentient species
3. Ferociously defended grazing lands of the bison men
4. The Great Mother Pudding
5. Head-hunter infested banks of Shark River
6. Blighted plain: a blasted moonscape teeming with ghosts
7. Semi-impassable Razor Cliff and the Poison Jungle beyond
8. Fog bank of bewilderment
9. Barrier rift featuring vertical ecology (alpha predator: giant dragonflies)
10. Savages whose stock-in-trade is man-leather
11. Plateau of extreme elevation, passable by strapping oneself to specially adapted snow beasts
12. Steaming lava plain: mating grounds of the fire elementals

Recent Edicts from the Usurper King

d12
1. Harvest festival cancelled due to mandatory training for unexpected launch of industrial revolution
2. Based on horrifying reports, construction to begin on new giant anti-monster walls w/huge extensible spikes, press gangs dispatched to round up workers
3. Exorbitant new adventurer tax to be levied on ne'er-do-wells entering city gates
4. Sunday shall henceforth be known as Gambling Day, observances at all local temples
5. Thieves' Guild officially disbanded, mass executions scheduled
6. Merrymaking now enforced by law
7. Strange and terrible new patron deity named, non-affiliated temples to burn
8. Commemorative statues of U.K. to be erected throughout city, summary execution of all vandals
9. Now hiring: thugs and cutthroats sought for band of elite enforcers
10. Highly-trained security ogres assigned to every corner to ensure public safety
11. Switch to silver standard announced, gold must be turned in to nearest collection station
12. Miss Usurper pageant to be held, entrants chosen by public beauty inspectors, up to 100 winners will be selected for compulsory harem duty

Weird Underworld Locales

d12
1. The Invisible City
2. Fungus Island on the Sea of Protoplasm
3. The Halls of Tedium (devoid of both monsters and treasure)
4. Divine Singularity (The Swollen God has gone supernova and collapsed)
5. Worm land: ruled by the immortal Lord Fluke
6. Pocket solar system in 0-G spherical cavern
7. The University of Madness
8. Time-slip River: upstream = back in time and vice versa
9. Dissolute Sea: entropic demi-matter, adamant-hulled vessel required
10. Hidden Retreat of the Blind Cave Philosophers: perpetually debating the laws of chaos
11. Spirit cauldron: boiling over with spiritual remnants and fragmented files
12. Fertile chasm: seething chaos-fueled engine of creation continuously spews forth novel life forms

The Witch Doctor's Utility Belt

d12
1. Shrunken head array: selections span available sentient species, ensorcelled variously (see subtable below)
2. Obsidian mind-control belt buckle with pulsating gem
3. Juju-loaded sling stones, sling enchanted for accuracy
4. Carefully stored tissue specimens from various enemies
5. Bottled spirit of malice
6. Customizable effigies w/a variety of miniature torture devices
7. Tubes filled with various powdered stupefying agents: nasal delivery system
8. Petrified dragon dung: wards off many hostile spirits
9. Bag of divining bones: remains of tiny unknown hominids
10. Astonishing variety of hand-held rhythm instruments
11. Exploding smoke capsules: many colors/pyrotechnic effects
12. Secreted flask of sanity-restoring hard liquor

Subtable: shrunken head powers
d12
1-2  Emits deafening scream
3-4  Eyes snap open, blast out death rays
5-6  Hypno-gas cascades from mouth
7-8  Floats about psychically relaying sensory data
9-10  Serves as spiritual/transdimensional translator
11-12  Bites like hell

Down the World Dragon's Gullet

d12
1. Enzyme attack! Vessel hull breach in 2d12 minutes
2. Whirlpool: forcefully excretes anything caught within into random world
3. Aggressive phagocytes: attack as giant black puddings
4. Age-withered questing hero and party in iron clad vessel: lost to madness
5. Series of ducts lead to...(see subtable below)
6. Levitating parasitic worm-oracle dispensing trans-planar wisdom
7. Wizard and homonculi crew piloting experimental bathysphere
8. Hygiene cells studded with indigestible treasures
9. Cyst-shrine of the dragon cult
10. Corpse-strewn and blasted battlefield: site of ancient autoimmune malfunction
11. Ruined keep atop crystalline outcropping (devoured centuries ago)
12. Skeletons and other partially digested remains of gods, demi-gods, and heroes

Duct destination subtable
d12
1-2: Heart: violently propelled to next destination (roll again)
3-4: Spleen: exposure to fluids amplifies rage and hate
5-6: Phlegm pits: trapped forever
7-8: Lungs: filled with explosive gasses and gale force winds
9-11: Brain: induces apoplexy in World Dragon w/potentially catastrophic results
12: Colon (Hades-like zone of the mournful dead)

Underworld Transport and Hauling

d12
1. Colossal centipede: operated by sub-human* masters of arthropod husbandry, moves like clockwork between feeding stations (cargo only)
2. All-terrain beetles: up to 4 riders, operated by bio-joystick in thorax
3. Snail-driven sledges of the neutral slug-folk: cargo only, insured, reliable, extremely slow
4. The Lava Schooner
5. Paleogean network of suction tubes: 25% chance of disastrous malfunction/use
6. Flying polyp: enterprising sorcerer makes slave entity available for speedy deliveries (living cargo must submit to temporary encystment), fees exorbitant in the extreme
7. Sarcophagus-shaped transmat booths: relics of a lost civilization, touching glyphs on the inside dictates destination
8. Stone-wheeled land barge powered by pedalling galley apes
9. Ogre-driven rickshaws
10. Train of giant ants: queen deploys her forces in exchange for surface delicacies/magic
11. Underworld Excursion Vehicle (UEV): life's work of underworld-obsessed sorcerer/scientist, provides protection from attacks/elements, array of defensive weaponry (e. g. fireball turret), bio-engine fueled by concentrated food pellets
12.Were-ponies

*Subterranean human: the hairless, chalk-white skinned men native to the underworld

Gonzo Footwear

d12
1. Boots of automatic fleeing: sense precariousness of wearer's life energies, force involuntary retreat at need
2. Shock socks: walking for one hour in these outlandish woolen garments grants a single lethal static discharge
3. Sandals of recklessness: magically induces feelings of invulnerability
4. Slippers of panache: impeccable leather shoes instantly grant considerable charisma bonus
5. Mukluks of  Imperviousness: protective guardian spirits woven right in to elaborate design
6. Galarund's Galoshes: wearer able to safely walk on (w/out sinking) any type of mire, sludge, slough, mud, muck or morass
7. Crystal boots: besides looking awesome they repel spells of evil intent and enhance helpful magics
8. Radiant moccasins of non-conformity: provide magical light and bolster personal idiosyncrasies of wearer
9. Combat cleats: allows for attack bonus due to sure-footed stability and raking kick attacks
10. Hip-waders of protection: remain dry and comfortable even in a deluge of biblical proportion
11. Shoes of Hades: Bat-winged patent-leather loafers allow entrance into the realm of the dead
12. Laser-pumps

Near the Hovering Archipelago

d12
1. Cloud terraces of the Wind Sultans
2. Locust-like swarms of sky krill
3. Ram scoop-feeding aero-rays
4. Gas-bladder jellies w/ miles-long tentacles
5. Demi-material sky manse of the alien observers 
6. Web-parasailing giant spiders
7. League of sorcerer's dirigible laboratory
8. Way station for the Sun Chariot
9. Cloud-hive of the hornet-men
10. Domain of Miasmus the Mist Lord
11. Sky mine of the bat-winged dwarfs
12. Air elemental's bacchanal: where hurricanes are born

Weird Dragon Breath

1. Cascading waves of time: massively accelerated aging
2. Cone of serenity: save or achieve involuntary enlightenment
3. Blast of revulsion: subject unable to remain in the same physical space as dragon
4. Scintillant ray of hypnosis
5. Cloud of pathogens: 1d6 random diseases attack simultaneously
6. Miasma of resentment: dragon's assailants turn against one another
7. Beam of luck: positive or negative at will
8. Illusion breath: rolls over scene replacing reality with phantasmal nightmare visions, save for mere bewilderment
9. Spatter of digestive enzymes
10. Unstable gasses: torchbearers beware!
11. Cloud of misery: uncontrollable emotional meltdown, save for melancholia
12. Thunder storm breath: lightning, deafening peals, damaging winds propel massive hailstones

Quick Cultural Quirks: The Barbarian

d12
1. Cycle of moon dictates bathing schedule
2. Strong oral tradition = a monotonous chant for every occasion
3. Ritual smoking of the pipe before, during or after just about every activity (special equipment: pipe holster)
4. Belief that monies are essentially unsavory, must be spent as quickly as gained
5. Will only fight to the death, easily insulted to boot
6. Blood-bond ritual mandatory for all true comrades-at-arms
7. Minor self-mutilation as penance for surviving defeat
8. Once a blade is drawn, it is dishonored by returning to sheath unbloodied
9. Shades of fallen foes haunt the victor forever: attributes all misfortune to shade interference
10. Only a fortnightly naked moon dance lasting several hours can control bad juju build-up
11. Driven to continually challenge others to athletic competitions
12. Native tongue composed of animalistic hoots and hollers (battle-cry: chimp-like shrieking)

Additional Nuisances in the Frozen Wastes

d12
1. Militaristic society of ice fairies hatching scheme to purify region by magically depopulating it
2. Ancient army of a forgotten culture frozen in its tracks while on the march (trajectory points to ruined city)
3. Hunting grounds of the wooly tyrannosaur (prey:  the ferocious land walrus who in turn feed upon ice lemmings)
4. Elevated outpost of the imperial war-tobogganeers
5. Frost giants rounding up mammoth calves to train
6. Crevasse entrance to the Forbidden Pleasure Dome of the Snow Gods
7. Towering snow colony of the giant white magpies (collectors of bright and shiny objects)
8. Lost City of the Glacierites: blue-skinned denizens devolved remnant of an advanced pre-human civilization
9. Recently escaped fire giants flee pursuing Glacierites captors while slowly perishing of exposure
10. Ice labyrinth of the deranged cryomancer
11. Volcanic steam garden: populated by savage wooly neanderthals
12. Ghost pack of the Wolf King who once ruled these lands

Commonly Abused Underworld Intoxicants

d12
1. Dried bulb of the devil's lily: taken orally eliminates need to sleep for 2d4 days
2. Cerebrospinal fluid of the mind-bat: imparts random knowledge following short pleasurable coma
3. Black mold spores: snorted for hours-long laughing jags, long term users identifiable by tell-tale nasal staining
4. Extract of dragon bile: mildly impaired users able to go with out food for weeks
5. Skin secretions of the blind cave frog: diluted with brandy for an interesting buzz
6. Deep dwarf bracer: served sizzling hot, caustic black syrup heals wounds and renders the drinker even more dour and taciturn
7. Polychromatic fungi: mild hallucinogen, enables user to see in the dark
8. Hydra's tears: renders subject unconscious for 24 hours, during which they are treated to extremely enjoyable dreams
9. Gray cheese: overwhelms the pleasure centers for 10 minutes, then turns skin stone-gray and deadens emotions (cure: more gray cheese)
10. Extra virgin toadstool oil:  taken sublingually, increases sensory awareness
11. War juice: tincture of white ape adrenal fluids and alcohol, induces battle frenzy/heart attack
12. Liquor of fermented ogre saliva: full blown delirium

In the Sorcerer's Overnight Bag

d12
1. Vellum document w/official ransom information in several languages
2. Earthenware sphere containing weaponized virus powder in padded box
3. Ogre-musk eau de toilette: predatory monster repellent
4. Mini-scroll and crystal magnifying lens: select High Atlantean readings in microscopic print
5. Sealed glass jar: living tissue specimen in preservative ichor for cloning project
6. Travel-sized surgical kit
7. Pillbox with fast-acting suicide capsules
8. Small bag of bones: illusion conceals emergency gem cache
9. Disassembled death ray pistol: one shot remaining in battery
10. Silk bag w/ fake protection charms: distributes to "allies" for cheap laughs
11. Spare set of outlandish undergarments
12. Small skin-bound volume w/pen and ink: personal log of evil written in invented language

Dungeon Statuary (Inanimate)

d12
1. Smashed fragments of classical-type statues wired together into startling aggregation of body parts
2. Three-dimensional representation of multi-dimensional entity: staring at shadow causes debilitating sensory bewilderment
3. Megalodon-sized stone jaws of A'chth the All-consuming: heaped with freshly sacrificed comestibles
4. Huge ancient earthenware bowl of unknown provenance set on grand pedestal (recent work): filled with green flames that utterly destroy anything placed inside
5. Colossal fertility idols of the extinct giants
6. Totem pole-like column of unknown creatures topped with a human form: yields disturbing evolutionary facts
7. Incomprehensibly abstract design: magic-enhanced study reveals 3D map of dungeon
8. Ancient king in primitive garb: facial features dead ringer for one of the PCs
9. Bas relief hewn into dungeon wall portrays titanic god-monster emerging from underground and smashing surface civilizations Godzilla-like
10. Stone-carved coin of the realm on pedestal, 12 feet in diameter
11. Henge-sized stone slab inscribed with entire history of extinct people in tiny letters
12. Polished granite dodecahedron surrounded by tiny figures bent in supplication

Benevolent Parasites of the Underworld

d12
1. Cerebral worm: increases intellect, enhances cowardice
2. Detox Tick: palm-sized chigger secretes ichor that nullifies pathogens and poisons
3. Digester ooze: enters stomach, enables host to extract nutrients from most matter
4. Spine dweller: eel-like amphibian incises back, nestles along vertebrae, electrical discharge enhances host's agility
5. Blood swarm: tiny flying arthropods feed upon all gory remnants of melee, cleaning arms and armor
6. Interpreter mite: introduced into ear canal, instantly translates most languages
7. Giant heart fluke: burrows into chest, settles around the heart, produces surges of adrenalin to protect host
8. Pit fleas: saliva blocks pain receptors
9. Love Fungus: grows internally, releases pheromones to attract mates for host, increases personal charm
10. Alien virus: alters host's DNA to produce functional wings, increases caloric requirements ten fold
11. Lung spores: allows respiration in hostile atmospheres/underwater
12. Rockhide: bacterial infection causes skin to harden into armor plates

Even the Doors are Weird

d12
1. Made of semi-permeable tissue: only organic material may pass through
2. Enchanted talking door w/ service-oriented attitude, only knows about things a door would care about
3. Composed of a living aggregate of insects clinging to one another: strict entrance policy
4. Fashioned of cast iron and set in solid stone with 3 giant deadbolts on the outside
5. Randomly opens and closes w/ damaging force
6. Unauthorized tampering activates hysterical magic mouth alarm: "They're touching me! They're trying to open me!"
7. Door made entirely of doorknobs: must turn correct knobs in succession for entry
8. Carved in shape of ogre face with gaping maw: must be fed for entry
9. Coin slot above handle: 10 gold pieces to unlock (each way)
10. Surface of door has 5 hand-shaped indentations: opens when all are occupied simultaneously
11. Several life-like eyeballs set into door closely scrutinize those in proximity
12. Surface of door inscribed with huge letters reading "You are weak.": combined strength of 4 men required to turn huge knob

Psychoactive Gems

d12
1. Increases intellect but erodes judgement
2. Induces hypnotic state of suggestibility
3. Bestows the gift of intense paranoia
4. Nullifies emotions
5. Compels owner to seek deepest recesses of the earth
6. Instills unquenchable gem-fever
7. Fans the flames of hatred and bigotry
8. Heightens mood to euphoria and beyond
9. Suppressed urges spectacularly released
10. Eradicates all sense of purpose
11. Imparts (additional) delusions of grandeur
12. Focuses consciousness entirely upon inevitable doom

So you made your save vs. poison....

d12
1. Hands swell to gross immensity
2. Full body numbness: -2 to all physical tasks, bonus to hit points
3. Narcoleptic effect: 1 in 6 chance of involuntary napping/turn
4. Loss of mental acuity: disallows spell casting and other heavy-duty cognitive activities
5. Astonishing gastrointestinal distress: 1 in 6 chance of attack/turn
6. Overtaxed liver produces mind-bending abdominal pain
7. The shakes: -2 to everything requiring manual dexterity
8. Skin changes to random color and hurts like hell
9. Hallucino-vision: -2 to everything requiring visual accuracy, occasionally terrifying
10. Speech center compromised: drunken caveman talk
11. Copious drooling: suavity nullified
12. Brief coma followed by total emotional meltdown w/inconsolable weeping, irrational behavior, sudden freak-outs

Notes: effects last anywhere from 1d4 hours for relatively mild toxins to 1d4 weeks for extremely potent poisons or large doses

Strange Doings in the Rain Forest

d12
1. Luminous mosquito-like jungle spirits: suck the spells from magic-users
2. The understandably Lost City of Myopia
3. Silken meeting hall of the giant spider collective
4. Bio-sorceress' expedition to catalog extant species: mobile laboratory tests for arcane applications of discoveries
5. The Canopy Highway: thatched, lashed and magically preserved untold centuries ago by vanished race of arboreal engineers
6. Hidden library of the Ape Scholars
7. Heavily armed imperial expedition hunts bio-sorceress (who escaped from previously scheduled public execution): now lost, starving and perishing of disease
8. Psychic monkeys: torment sensitive minds with capricious thought intrusions
9. Extremely elusive clan of humans with prehensile feet and innate arcane abilities
10. Clear cut carrion field w/ herds of wingless giant flies: tended by giant spider proletariat
11. Pharmocopia: stone age enclave of folk w/ unsurpassed knowledge of plant chemistry, among their many achievements: functional immortality
12. Giant spider forces drilling: weaponized spider knights practice charges atop domesticated mantid mounts

Inside the Giant's Curio Cabinet

d12
1. Interesting selection of (dented) human-sized helmets arranged in order of perceived awesomeness
2. Bag filled with fist-sized pills: headache remedy crafted by ogre witchdoctor
3. Fancy spell book: sub-literate scrawlings throughout, he doodled all over the spell inscriptions
4. Tear-stained ancient ceramic urn containing ashes of giant ancestors
5. Necklace of giant baby teeth strung on cord (gift from mother)
6. Stolen sculpture collection: 100% naked ladies
7. Charmingly naive charcoal self-portraits on stretched skins: concealed within cave bear fur portfolio
8. Cork-stoppered bottle of giant's cologne: indescribably offensive
9. An enchanted buckler (appealingly shiny and reflective) on a crude display stand
10. Giant's emergency dental kit: over sized hammer and vicious-looking pliers rolled in skins
11. Shabbily folded stack of spare large sacks
12. Huge rough-hewn stone dice (dodecahedrons, as it happens)

More Weird Pools

d12
1. The sacred pool of the cave beetle god: surrounded by millions of the tiny zealots in droning prayer
2. The Black Soup of Life: coughs up random embryonic magical beasts
3. The cloning pool: any living thing touching the pool is perfectly cloned in 24 hours *
4. Purple baptismal pond of indelible staining
5. Pool of cold liquid gold: assumes normal state when exposed to sunlight
6. Booze pool: run-off from the deep dwarf distillery
7. Monster oasis: temporary detente between otherwise natural enemies, adventurers not included
8. Translucent predatory protoplasm doing best impression of a pool
9. The pool of growth: any being or object fully immersed permanently doubles in size
10. "Bottomless" pool: trans-dimensional portal
11. The waters of enlightenment: drinking imparts 1d6 minutes of god-like intelligence followed by recuperative coma lasting 1d6 hours
12. Hot Tub of the Gods

* Naturally, the clone will not stop until it has killed and replaced the original

Messages Intercepted from the Underworld Courier Service

d12
1. Note from kidnapper with instructions for delivery of ransom
2. Order for resupply of foodstuffs for underworld catering service
3. Receipt for powerful magical artifact signed by vampire curator of museum of antiquities
4. Plea for clemency to particularly vicious underworld bigwig
5. Advertising circular for Captain Ossbagh's Freelance Dungeon Muscle service
6. Demand for return of territories improperly seized by troll brotherhood
7. Totally defiant and obscenity-laced response to extortion attempt
8. Request to domestic service for new valet with apologies for former servant's ghastly fate
9. Tear-soaked missive from spurned lover of high-born giantess
10. Tally of losses incurred due to escaped horror and heated request for remuneration
11. Long letter from sorcerer to fellow black arts practitioner detailing necromantic experiments
12. Simple directions to the City of Uttermost Darkness with instructions for avoiding the mind-bending hazards en route

Puzzling Evidence in the Corridor

d12
1. Shallow hole in wall with debris and broken pick lying nearby
2. An unidentifiable green stain on the floor, smells a bit
3. A still-smoldering torch
4. Heaps of recently deceased rats: not a mark on them
5. Loose flagstones in floor leading nowhere
6. Large "X" carved in wall
7. A half-melted sword
8. Abandoned nests of dungeon swallow colony
9. Very large fragments of purple eggshell
10. Clean bones of small animals arranged into incomprehensible patterns on floor
11. Claw-rent and useless steel chest plate
12. A huge earthenware dish half filled with dirty water

Wandering Dungeon Friendlies

d12
1. Masterless dungeon hound: highly skilled, fond of dwarfs
2. Unguent salesman w/ hulking half-giant bodyguard
3. Extremely charismatic mercenary recruiter w/ sergeant and recent hires
4. Humorless missionaries from the Temple of Neutrality
5. Overfull ogre, picking adventurers from teeth, drunk on stolen wine and quite jolly
6. Escaped chain gang from subterranean dwarf work camp
7. Young nobles in tattered finery, recently vampirized and released to own devices
8. Contingent of arms dealers transporting stock of cheap weapons and reconditioned armor, eager to buy and sell
9. Fungus-man monks: unbelievably serene, supremely self-actualized, totally non-violent and practically unkillable
10. Insufferably pompous paladin and his equally zealous all-sidekick crew
11. A good-natured talking giant snake asking politely for sightings of nearby vermin
12. Dungeon pimp and his foxy stable

Dungeon Conspiracy Theories

d12
1. Dragons beholden to unknown being from another sphere: hoards just not the same anymore
2. So-called "adventurers" actually death squads of underworld junta
3. The coming apocalypse will destroy the surface world only sending underworld real estate through the roof
4. Strings pulled by cabal of mind-eaters who now know everything
5. The one true god lives at the center of the earth: the path to wisdom runs deep
6. Humans created in vats of ancient underworld sorcerer to usher in age of terror
7. Cube jelly: the secretly sentient masters of the dungeon
8. The surface world is actually hell: adventurers = demons
9. Our small gods war amongst themselves to win approval of the unknown gods above them: after that all bets are off
10. Undead eyes transmit information to secret overlords from an adjacent plane
11. The sky god judges the surface-worlders but cannot see underground
12. All the seemingly mindless monsters of the dungeon actually controlled by a subtle intelligence keen for amusement

Wandering Treasure

d12
1. Legendary ivory-tusked white under-mammoth
2. Sub-human priests transporting golden sacrifice to temple of the greed god
3. Ogre slaves using rope and greased logs to move stolen platinum pyramid topper to dragon's hoard
4. Beastman soldiery dragging (fully equipped) dead adventurers back to base
5. Heavily armed mercs escort underworld trader making bank deposit
6. Droppings indicate rock-eating worms recently passed through rich lode
7. Extra-deadly giant spider with gem eyes patrolling territory
8. Three tiny UFOs use tractor beams to carry off fully-loaded treasure chest
9. Ensorcelled plutocrats (with jewelry and fat purses) stagger drunkenly toward lair of remote mind-control expert
10. Ransom delivery agents shadowed by squad of assassins
11. Crazed sub-human found bejewelled wand, now afraid to return to lair
12. Badly damaged and resource-depleted adventurers hauling hard-won loot (and corpses of fallen cohorts)

The Dragon's Other Prisoners

d12
1. Three former chiefs-of-staff serving life sentences for insolence and poor service
2. The local lord: not previously known to be missing
3. Bound halfling suspended upside-down from ceiling
4. A lawful wizard encased in a life-sustaining plasm
5. Hog-tied hill giant chief in extra-large cell block
6. A still-smoldering fighting man in claw-rent armor
7. The ogre guard captain who got overly ambitious: still retains loyalty of the guard, fomenting insurrection
8. Malevolent mist-being in glass bio-dome: mutters about plans to depopulate the continent
9. The heir of the griffin king awaiting delivery of ransom
10. Sentient beetle-man from the distant past: claims to know a good deal about the future as well
11. A six-dimensional fungus hovering in containment dome
12. Ball-gagged bard weeping (silently) over the shattered remains of lute

Dwellers in the Lightless Pits

d12
1. Land-bats
2. Sonar men: unsightly echolocation sensilla replace eyes
3. Feelers: badger-like solitary hunters covered with thin extensible tentacles in place of fur
4. Giant naked mole-rats: aggressively territorial, commanded by psychic queen
5. Behemoth snail: broadcasts fear-inducing stimuli from radar dish-like protuberance on shell
6. Stinkmen: communicate via pheromones, perpetual state of warfare with the Sonar men
7. Terrestrial angler fish
8. The Light Eater: sentient demi-material shadow form, sustains self by consuming photons (or phantasy equivilent)
9. Bioluminescent flying prawns attracted to heat
10. Huge blobs of edible anaerobic bacteria
11. Barnacle fungi: spread themselves by adhering to passersby with strong bio-glue, accumulate rapidly
12. Oh hey, the floor is moving- no, wait, it's just one zillion bugs

Unpleasant Potion Side-effects

d12
1. Subject faints after use (1d6 minutes), unpredictable spells for remainder of day
2. Immobilizing gastro-intestinal distress after 3d6 minutes
3. Potion effect half-life: diminished effects linger following original duration
4. Potion "flashback": effects suddenly return for 1d6 minutes at random moment
5. Inverse effect follows original duration for equal period
6. Skin of imbiber flushes random colors for 1d6 hours
7. Hair grows uncontrollably for 1d6 days requiring constant maintenance
8. Teeth of subject rapidly decay: breath rendered intolerably foul, reversible only by magical dentistry
9. Instant addiction: subject goes to any length to procure lifetime supply of concoction or close facsimile
10. Abdominal bloating, discomfort and weight gain due to unknown effect on metabolism
11. Subject only able to emit frog-like croaks for 1d6 hours
12. Following effect duration, subject explodes into tiny fragments

Note: Use for potions of suspect manufacture or particularly ancient provenance

Domestics on Duty at the Sorcerer's Tower

d12
1. Trans-dimensional consultant: the ghost of extinct sentient beetle
2. All services performed by host of rejected golem-brides
3. The homonculibrarian
4. Sorcerer's re-animated parents see to daily care and feeding
5. On-staff sycophants rotate shifts to provide 24/7 ego bolstering
6. Pack of highly-trained hench-dogs: total obedience and unconditional love
7. Major Domo: Thoroughly pacified type Q demon in custom butler attire, uses clairvoyance to anticipate needs, teleports to expedite service
8. War Master: retired fighting man under heavy ensorcellment sees to training and deployment of sub-human forces, drunk 75% of waking hours
9. Chief of Treasury shackled to desk and awaiting execution should he not find some way to balance the books
10. Kitchen staff: mind of culinary genius transferred to extremely dexterous body of land kraken
11. Maintenance dept.: disgruntled crew of semi-competent ogres, recently unionized and eager to exercise collective bargaining
12. Scullery shoggoth

Wandering Underworld Deities

d12
1. Partial corporeal manifestation of Een the All-knowing: broadcasts blinding white light made of information, all present must save or pass out from involuntary download
2. Ytaan the god of discourse: a 12 ft. tall golden man in dapper toga spoiling for debate
3. Grushakh the invisible man-ape demigod: bad ass result of an unholy union between a mighty chief and Kruchtaki the simian goddess of stealth
4. The thousand-winged, innumerably taloned messenger god Urootha on a delivery
5. The Scrutinizing Gaze of Ga: a giant countenance takes shape on a wall, floor, ceiling, rock, etc. and stares intently at those nearby
6. Ssisashi, god of snakes: temporarily occupied with digesting C'chihi the rat god whose still-struggling outline protrudes from Ssisashi's inert coils
7. The Roach Queen: scouting for site of next Holy Infestation
8. Blishnu the Serene: on levitating tour of the underworld, fires bolts of enlightenment from his eye stalks
9. The Lords of the Worm Dance: wave and gyrate in ecstatic ritual, emit rhythmic cacophony that beckons all worms to join in, oblivious to everything but their strange musical pursuits
10. Kurgah the Underworld Excavator: blasts new passages and chambers into the living stone
11. Blaskatal the fire god: investigates the world in the form of charming beggar girl with flaming eyes, undecided on issue of triggering fiery apocalypse
12. Clakatan, Herald of the All-destroyer: a living thunderbolt bellowing out the good news of impending doom to all and sundry

Useless Hirelings

d12
1. Panic Attack Jack: tunic, sword, 2 in 6 chance of freak out in combat
2. Huroo the mentally deficient yet totally bold and confident torchbearer: loincloth, torches
3. Thuy the Crafty: threadbare toga, boasts of melee skills but requires armament(s), runs off immediately with whatever he is given
4. Typhoid Tujam: hospital gown, dagger, 1 in 6 chance of dying per turn
5. Cleem of the Pukarat people: two-handed sword, breechclout, a barbarian so ferociously savage and given to violence as to be a constant liability
6. Jurusan the Tremulous: leather cuirass, short sword, 3 in 6 chance of dropping his weapon each round in combat
7. Yukant the treasure-hauler: farm hand outfit, pitch fork, mule, provides continuous stream of arguments against everything he's asked to do and every possible course of action
8. Lin Fin the torchbearer/extremely patient doppelganger: wide-brimmed hat, tunic, poisoned dagger
9. Bad Shot Yot: Leather armor, short bow, full quiver, 2 in 6 chance of targeting party member in combat
10. Famished Frajor: sword, shield, leather, eats rations immediately, persistently asks everyone for theirs, wails piteously if denied
11. Brang the despondent barbarian: fur shorts, battle axe, clan wiped out before his eyes as a child, now seeks suicide-by-dungeon at the earliest opportunity
12. Chulanthes the turncoat guide: in cahoots with nearby dungeon personality to deliver party into ambush

Underworld Hunting and Foraging Success Table

d12
1. 2d6 delicious bats
2. 2d4 plump and juicy rats
3. Large sack full of giant insect larvae
4. Bushel of nutritious lichen
5. A dozen giant lizard eggs
6. Small sack full of edible lizards
7. 1d3 giant rock snails
8. 2d4 cave cephalopods
9. 2d20 giant spider hatchlings
10. Several days worth of life-sustaining pool algae
11. 1d6 blind cave fish
12. Several handfuls of glutinous fungi

Note: assumes presence of native guide or trained Underworld Ranger

Mountaintop Wonders and Perils

d12
1. Incomprehensible discourse of the mountain gods continuously echoes about: causes bewilderment, psychosis
2. Giantess colony: immortal daughters of forgotten gods, keeping alive ancient arts of monumental sculpture and man-hunting
3. Ancient temple to the space gods, constant stream of sorcerers make pilgrimage while attempting to assassinate one another
4. Surface team of deep dwarfs, tectonic engineering division: using explosives to sheer off vast chunks of mountain side
5. The Golf Course of the Gods
6. Yeti ascetics hovering about in lotus position
7. Wind Czars locked in eternal warfare with the Emirs of Stone
8. Sorcerer oversees undead minions construction of iron structure housing giant lenses: hopes to soon destroy moon for a purpose only he understands
9. Avalanche-surfing ice devils
10. Aurora Lethalis: sentient and indiscriminately malevolent
11. Hidden Dionysian society of mountain vintners and their brews: healing, enlightening and intoxicating
12. Prospectors from space have struck rich veins of desirable elements, preparing to signal mothership